daily briefing

Congress’ Summer Recess Fun Is Very Much Over!

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  • A special “Welcome Back” to America’s congress, Congress, who have just returned from the least fun recess ever. They will now be expected to figure out a health care plan for a citizenry who insist that eating each other’s limbs is an effective means by which to debate health care plans. [Washington Post]
  • People who know about such things disagree over whether sending more ground forces to Afghanistan will prevent future terrorist attacks or whether the key is doing a grassroots thing, whereby the Afghans learn to hate terrorism on their own. [New York Times]
  • Oh good: jobless Americans have taken to forming quasi ad-hoc local militia supplements to our country’s police forces. [Wall Street Journal]
  • Macaroni virtuosos Kraft Foods will purchase Cadbury, they of the Eggs, whether Cadbury likes it or not. [Reuters]
  • Joe Kennedy II will not be running for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, making the race a novel Kennedy-less one so far. [Los Angeles Times]
  • Three British men were convicted on charges of unsuccessful terrorism for their botched plan to blow up seven North America-bound planes. [AP]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Bruno

    How were 3 men going to get on 7 aircraft? There must be 4 more out there. SECURITY LEVEL RED!

    I can’t think of anything else we won’t be allowed to take on aircraft now. Or have to shove into ziplock bags. Maybe ban paper, that can start a fire, right?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Wake me up when padlock in sack beatings skyrocket. This neighborhood watch as described in the article seems to me more of a Festivus like airing of neighborly grievances.

    Shooting dogs cause they poop on someone’s lawn? I’ll admit that I’ve thought about it. The problem isn’t the dogs but rather their fucking idiot owners. Dogs gotta shit and don’t care about which lawn belongs to who.

    Easier to just take the poop in a plastic glove and smear it all over the house and car door handles. Uses less ammo, legal issues and is more “fun”.

  • ChernobylSoup v2

    Didn’t Paul write in Ephesians that it was a sin to embark on a hostile takeover of an Easter candy confectioner? I know it’s in there somewhere.

  • TGY

    making the race a novel Kennedy-less one

    Thank Plastic Jesus. I won’t be happy until at least one member of the Kennedy, Bush, and Clinton families are flipping burgers at Micky-Ds. Just say NO to political patrician families.

    My teeth revolt against Cadbury Eggs. AHH SWEET! It’s like sucking on a block of pure sucrose.

  • Bruno

    Dear Kraft, Please stop letting Hersey’s make nasty imitations of Cadbury and releasing it on the US market.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Does Krap, er, Kraft make real food anymore? Their cheez seems to be colored with stuff that’s orangier than orange. And I don’t even know if Miracle Whip is a food or something that should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

    I happen to like Cadbury chocolate and don’t want to see Cadbury change their Caramilk bars to Cheezwhiz Bars for the folks who don’t get enough cheez in their diet.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    I’ll try the new Mac-N-Cheese Easter eggs. But I won’t like them.

  • ChernobylSoup v2

    [re=404306]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: Now that was just a damn silly observation. Everyone know that Ephesians is the book that tells us how baby Jesus demanded unfettered capitalism forever and ever amen.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=404304]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Poop You Platters?

  • slappypaddy

    i just love the smell of goon squads in the morning. when they’re done restoring law and order to the benighted states a-murky, we could ship them out to the various -stans to teach hatred.

  • bureaucrap

    [re=404314]slappypaddy[/re]: This smells like the Freikorps from 10 miles away. Next stop: F*scism.

  • ProfessorJukes

    [re=404309]ManchuCandidate[/re]: [re=404307]TGY[/re]: [re=404308]Bruno[/re]:
    While Cadbury eggs ARE too Augustus-Gloopy and sweet (try Dove Truffle Eggs if you can find’em), Hershey makes a FINE FINE ‘merkin product. And Miracle Whip is the food of the gods. Or actually, of the ‘merkin Jeebus-God, you socialist grey poop-on mustard french-o-phile fruits.

  • ManchuCandidate

    “Get Together 2009 Hobo Apocalypse Version”

    Some may rage and some may rant
    It will surely pass
    When the dog that left steamers here
    returns for one last dump
    We are but a moment’s crazy rage
    shooting off its ass

    *Come on people now
    shoot up your neighbor
    everybody get together
    try to get one another right now

  • Nappied Hypotenuse

    Top brands at Cadbury, which had sales of 5.4 billion pounds ($8.8 billion) last year, include Bassett’s Liquorice Allsorts, Maynards Wine Gums and trademark chocolate bars

    Dear Britain,
    You might try making candy that sounds like candy.
    You’re welcome.

  • ManchuCandidate

    ‘Merikun Jeebus?


  • as.the.world.burns

    ‘HEY !!! You got your MSG in my High-Fructose Corn Syrup !’

    ‘YOU got your High-Fructose Corn Syrup in my MSG !!!

  • TGY

    [re=404323]Nappied Hypotenuse[/re]: Hey, what about Smarties and Yorkies??? But I suppose they would never hold a candle to Good ‘n Plenty.

  • Hello Sunshine

    The founding father of Cadbury’s (a Mr Cadbury, as it happens) wanted everyone who worked in his chocolate factories to be happy and healthy, so he built them a whole town to live in with nice gardens, green parks, and landscaped public squares. Practically Communism by today’s standards.

    Also, Creme Eggs = best chocolated product in the world EVER, so hands off, Merrykins.

  • Nappied Hypotenuse

    [re=404334]TGY[/re]: Well, sure. And it goes both ways–hard to justify eating something called Three Musketeers or a Zagnut. Still, it does seem like the Weasley twins have been running Cadbury…

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=404323]Nappied Hypotenuse[/re]: I love liquorice all sorts.

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=404356]Hello Sunshine[/re]: OMG, he was the Willie Wonka of his time.

  • schvitzatura

    It’s a case of olds and inveterate serial busybodies, with waaay too much time on their hands, morphing into a crack cadre of Barney Fife martinet douchenozzles. Seems like the towns and the banks like them for revenue generation, enforcing town parking codes like a Singaporean meter maids (or was it Yangon) or “protecting” declining hard assets, all in the name of preventing the “first broken window” China Syndrome from snowballing.

    So, either they’ll become the minor lapdog functionaries for the petit warlords in the New American Feudal System or social pariahs in their hometowns, whichever comes first.

    Death Panelization will prevent this whole scenario from happening in the first place, of course.

  • schvitzatura

    [re=404356]Hello Sunshine[/re]: Milton Hershey did the same for his Schokolade-arbeiters, up in Central PA.

    Kraft feels the need the be the cheesiest and feed our Augustus Gloop-ified children Creme Eggs, in the same meal. Expect to see Creme Eggs in those cracker/cheese/bread porta-lunches anytime now.

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    [re=404356]Hello Sunshine[/re]: regarding the creme eggs, WAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHATEVER SHALL WE DOOOOO???

    I hope Kraft has town hall meetings regarding this Cadbury takeover. I plan to show up with some very biting messages on my signs.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    To be fair, a finger is an extremity, but I don’t think it counts as a limb. A digit, mayhaps?

    When I was visiting England, I bought a Cadbury Egg to see if it was any better over there, the way basic chocolate bars are better and creamier. It turns out that the chocolate eggs suck regardless of what continent you are on.

  • Guppy06

    [re=404356]Hello Sunshine[/re]: George Pullman did the same thing, with fantastic results.

  • thefrontpage

    Wait–Joe Kennedy is not running to be the Chairman of Cadbury? Is that right? Why wouldn’t he want to run a British candy company? All British candy companies should be run by Irish Kennedys!!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=404304]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I used to have a guy drive up to my neighborhood, hop out of the car w/Fido for walkies; Fido’d crap on my lawn, they’d go off for more another 20 minutes or so for more walkies. Day after day, same routine.

    Dude should NOT have left his sunroof open, is all I’m saying.

  • Cicada

    [re=404403]gurukalehuru[/re]: I also love liquor over ice of all sorts. Hey-ooo!

  • populucious

    I can hardly wait for the Cadbury Cheesie-Mac Egg

  • Bruno

    The unempoyed are going into law enforcement. Isn’t that how lynchings/the KKK began?

  • glamourdammerung

    When they came for the freikorps, I was actually kind of down with it since they were fucktards.

  • hunter.blatherer

    I heard that there was some controversy. The superintendent of the Akron, OH school system gave a speech to congress members about the importance of being present for votes; only some blue dogs refused to show up for the speech.

    Wasn’t this the main news story today?