EMAIL OF THE DAY  12:25 am September 5, 2009

Joshua Goldberg Wants To Have His Say!

by Ken Layne

At least he's not secretly married to K-Lo!How do we know for sure that the secret third half of the Lucianne/Jonah Goldberg conspiracy is not actually K-Lo? Because Joshua actually wrote to Wonkette on Friday night, when we all know perfectly well that Fridays are Jonah and K-Lo’s “Moral Netflix & Fish Sticks Night.”

When we revealed the secret sibling’s plans to run for something or other in New York, maybe “ombudsman” or whatever, little did we know this announcement called for a serious policy approach, and not the usual Wonkette “eh what the hell is up with the dude’s picture?” kind of thing that passes for political commentary around here.

Joshua Goldberg, ex-fishmonger, would like to set the record straight:

Subject: You Story on ME, Joshua Goldberg
From: Joshua______@aol.com
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Fri, Sep 4, 2009 at 6:07 PM

Pardon me for not writing from my campaign e-mail account (ElectGoldberg@___.com). I am simply saving time.

I am writing you this note because your contributor, Mr. Newel, wrote that I have been ‘unemployed all of my 42 years’ (Jonah Goldberg’s Secret Brother Is Running For Office, In Liberal New York!). You guys REALLY should do a little more research before you “go to press.” You can see my resume here: http://goldbergforcouncil.com/Resume/. I have worked since I was 15 years old.

I know that I am just opening myself to more of your ridicule but that is how elections work. I just thought that a “wonk’s” blog would concentrate on policy rather than on someone’s appearance. If you want to write anything with some depth I would be happy to speak with one of your bloggers.

By the way, “power to the purple people!” I don’t know what was going on with the color balance with the camera but it bothers me more than it does your readers. It seems that it is the only thing they want to speak of. I have had much worse insults thrown at me so keep it coming if it makes you feel better.

Sincerely,

Joshua J. Goldberg
Managing Editor
Lucianne.Com News Forum, LLC
New York City, U.S.A.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 166 comments }

Kinkster September 5, 2009 at 12:36 am

Wow, you’d think a Goldberg would cut back on the kids. Those things can cost $400k to raise, you know!

Paul Tardy September 5, 2009 at 12:38 am

Too bad Goldberg had all those jobs, he is clearly unable to identify with the hoards of unemployed these days. If he only works crap jobs how can he afford to live on the upper west side?

responsible commenter September 5, 2009 at 12:41 am

Gotta love the guy for writing in, and he’s got a point, shouldn’t you wonk bloggers be concentrating on policy?

What to say about this resume? You can hear the tour operator in his delivery. I’ll leave the low-hanging fruit to the rest of you all.

MrsNateSilver September 5, 2009 at 12:42 am

Who, in their right mind, would bother writing this email? It’s not so much the purple picture that detracts from his appeal as a candidate for anything, but that he would write this, knowing full well it was a futile, if not detrimental, exercise. What are people thinking? Honestly.

RoscoePColtraine September 5, 2009 at 12:44 am

Joshua simply does not care for fish sticks. And we know what I meant by “fish sticks” don’t we?

El Pinche September 5, 2009 at 12:44 am

Hahaha! He sent you his resume. Did you tell him there are no openings for beady eyed purple dickbag eaters?

responsible commenter September 5, 2009 at 12:48 am

such as…

“Goldberg for Council Luanches Website: I have decided to luanch the website even though it is still being built. This page will have new announcements and news related to the campaign. In the coming days we will be adding a threads page where registered users of the site will be able to post comments and leave messages for me and one another. In the next couple of days I will be adding my ‘issues’ page.”

I like the quotes around “issues.” Be sure and register.

Uncle Glenny September 5, 2009 at 12:48 am

So I guess he isn’t going to use Wonkette’s reportage in his campaign materials, huh?

btw, has Wonkette ever been picked up by a Bangladeshi newspaper?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8237558.stm

p.s. Joshua,

at least this was just a web picture you can fix, not immortalized all screwed up on the front of the New York Times Magazine, like they once did to someone (Virginia governor a few years back?).

Dear Diorama September 5, 2009 at 12:52 am

The internet looks kind of weird in 1995.

fishskicanoe September 5, 2009 at 12:54 am

I think he’s just really hurt that Newell didn’t jump to his defense. I imagine he thought that all gingers (even purple ones) stuck together.

V572625694 September 5, 2009 at 12:54 am

He has no clue what actual employment is really like:

“1983-1986 Self Employed, Hudson Harbor Cruises

- Chartered family cabin-cruiser for parties, film crews, fishing and transport NYC area

- Solicited customers, marketed service.”

memzilla September 5, 2009 at 12:54 am

“I am writing you this note because your contributor, Mr. Newel…”

Mr. Goldburg, teh Wonkette does not hire newels, bannisters, staircases, treads, or risers.

Your resume indicates your putative experience for serving on the city council consists chiefly of: working for your own family, mongering fish, towing vehicles, and spieling for those annoying tour buses which illegally idle their engines and spew ungodly amounts of pollution into Manhattan’s limited air supply.

While the city council does itself spew ungodly amounts of pollution into the political atmosphere, we regret to inform you that is as far as we can stretch the analogy.

QUALIFICATION FAIL.

Try running for Taxi & Limosine Commissioner. Better yet, try taking a long run off a short pier.

Suds McKenzie September 5, 2009 at 12:55 am

Purple People\Lizard People 2010

.. and dude, whats up with that photo??

Franklin Pierce & Pierce September 5, 2009 at 1:00 am

Ah, yes:

1993-1994 Reporter, New York Post, Page Six

- Researched stories and interview subjects.
- Wrote items & lead articles.

The cornerstone of any career in journalism.

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2009 at 1:01 am

I would never assume that one is responsible for one’s parents’ behaviors or opinions. I had my own cross to bear in that respect, so I have empathy. But to anyone — related or not — who chooses to take a job with “Lucianne.Com News Forum, LLC,” I will show no mercy. Dude, your mommy/employer used to be an evil trollop. Now she is an old, evil trollop. That’s my policy analysis for the night.

El Pinche September 5, 2009 at 1:02 am

Yeah right, blame it on the color balance. What’s next? blaming the hue and saturation for your obvious and pathetic self esteem issues ?

El Pinche September 5, 2009 at 1:04 am

Sending his resume to Wonkette under Ken’s watch was indeed a FAIL.

accbll September 5, 2009 at 1:18 am

[re=403546]El Pinche[/re]: Newell definately needs to followup; he has a talent for eliciting the most exquisite wingnuts. delicious!

SayItWithWookies September 5, 2009 at 1:21 am

What a weird resume — it bounces all over the place from dockhand to editor to sightseeing guide. Has he been lost, or looking for a career, or not very good at anything, or what? And having gone back to watch his video, I’m amazed he spent five years as a tour guide. Holy crap, if I was on a bus where that guy had a microphone, I’d be hanging my head out the window to get away from hearing him talk.
It’s great that he’s running for NY City Council as a Republican though. Kinda strikes me as something a male Meghan McCain would do.

tbogg September 5, 2009 at 1:23 am

My god. His resume is full of fail. Fish monger. Associate news producer. Fish monger. Cabbie. Sight seeing guide. Works for mom.

Clearly he needs to focus.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 5, 2009 at 1:26 am

I don’t know what was going on with the color balance with the camera but it bothers me more than it does your readers.

Huh? Other way around, perhaps?

Goddamn, he’s like the Upper West Side version of “This and That With Rusty”.

BR September 5, 2009 at 1:33 am

Folks -

Obama’s speech to schools on Tuesday needs to go viral. (Digg, reddit, facebook, etc. can help with that.) Keep an eye out to popularize it on Tuesday. Naturally, kids are going to want to know what the president said if they were kept from watching.

kth September 5, 2009 at 1:41 am

Real Esau and Jacob story there (Joshua a redhead even), given that the only reason Jonah Goldberg is any less obscure than the ferryman is that Jonah got to listen to the Lewinsky tape when it dropped.

drrty martini September 5, 2009 at 1:56 am

He wrote for Page Six? One would think his prose would have the breathless punch and immediacy of our Riley on the Street.

hobospacejunkie September 5, 2009 at 1:57 am

[re=403560]BR[/re]: Yeah, whatever.

Did this Glodbrug clown get an 8th-grader to spice up his resume? It reads like it’s the 1st one he’s ever written and he’s afraid to take up too much space with descriptive words. Still better reading than that pile of feces shat out by Jonah the Turd, Liberal Fascism or How I Punctured My Brain by Forcing a Nail Up My Nose.

This guy makes Newel ashamed to be a ginger. Milquetoast would be too colorful a description for this serial unachiever. You’d think at some point a guy with actual balls would be too ashamed to sponge off Mommy Troll to put food on his family. Than again, I’ve been unemployed for 9 years so who am I to judge. Than again again, I’m not the steaming pile with a Barney the Dinosaur fetish running for public office. Check this ginger’s closet, there’s got to be an exposed himself to a minor conviction hidden in there somewhere.

drrty martini September 5, 2009 at 2:02 am

Oh, God. http://lucianne.com. Is. Awful.

the lady MS. Sheila Dixon September 5, 2009 at 2:10 am

What the hell!?!? Why would any one post such an unpleasant photo? He looks like he has progeria. eeewwww.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 5, 2009 at 2:23 am

[re=403572]the lady MS. Sheila Dixon[/re]: or a bad case of late ’70′s video effects.

facehead September 5, 2009 at 2:24 am

“color balance” … right … I’m sure that’s what all purple monsters say RIGHT BEFORE THEY SHRED YOUR BLOODY LIMBS WITH LAZER BEAMS AND RAZOR ANUS!!!!!!!!

Uncle Glenny September 5, 2009 at 2:35 am

[re=403569]drrty martini[/re]: Yuk indeed. Made me feel dirty even if it wasn’t all covered with colon cleanser ads.

Pilate September 5, 2009 at 2:46 am

Wonkette “goes to press”?

Don’t tell me you’re going Politico, Newel?

Smoke Filled Roommate September 5, 2009 at 2:54 am

[re=403569]drrty martini[/re]: The faq alone is comedy gold.
“We are a Salon. not a Saloon!”

Dear editors, please adopt this as your own.

Brendan M. September 5, 2009 at 3:04 am

Only Layne and Newell could (almost) make me sympathetic towards a goddamn Goldberg. Thank you for that.

El Pinche September 5, 2009 at 3:05 am

Well, it was a matter of time:

http://image.blingee.com/images17/content/output/000/000/000/5dd/510214190_1547691.gif

It has a motif that’s quite fitting.

gurukalehuru September 5, 2009 at 3:24 am

Would that be Mr. Jim Newel of Wonket?

WholeFoodsDude September 5, 2009 at 3:25 am

[re=403583]El Pinche[/re]: That’s hysterical, nice job

Scooter September 5, 2009 at 3:26 am

Nevermind the story. I’m still wrapping my brain around the news that Lucianne G. had more than one pregnancy. How is this possible?

Uncle Glenny September 5, 2009 at 3:33 am

[re=403582]Brendan M.[/re]: With that resume, it’s not clear he could even make Glenn Greenwald’s nepotistee list.

SayItWithWookies September 5, 2009 at 3:35 am

[re=403583]El Pinche[/re]: Heh — what is that, an outtake from Finding Zero? To give him some credit, though, he’s doing well for a Republican union member in NYC.

[re=403560]BR[/re]: Eh — it’s just going to be the usual first-day-of-school stuff — plural marriage, redistribution of wealth, stadium-capacity gay-marriage-and-euthanasia ceremonies — that sorta thing.

desertwind September 5, 2009 at 4:03 am

Oooo, if he’s now “Managing Editor. Lucianne.Com News Forum, LLC” I can’t imagine how impressive the rest of his resume is.

Suds McKenzie September 5, 2009 at 4:12 am

He looks like a dungaree wearer.

I Am Not Your Gary Busey September 5, 2009 at 4:26 am

Oh crap. A Goldberg who can write a whole sentence without referring to socialism, nazi-ism, or socialism? Well damn, all I can say is good luck in the elections Napoleon!

I Am Not Your Gary Busey September 5, 2009 at 4:27 am

Also, AOL.com, really? I thought fishmongers were cool enough to at least have a yahoo.com email.

I Am Not Your Gary Busey September 5, 2009 at 4:28 am

[re=403598]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: third “ism” should have been communism… Dang ole’ beer.

shortsshortsshorts September 5, 2009 at 4:32 am

WHY CANT WE PLAY WITH HIS HUGE, GLORIOUS, SMALL BALLS? We’ll leave it to the evil liberal media from Fox and Friends to esssplaaine. Bang up job. Fuckers.

Our only hope is Wonkette Editors shooting the fuckers down— with words. Not the majical Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Either way.

Lionel Hutz Esq. September 5, 2009 at 4:46 am

Now that all of Conservatism has been reduced to inbreed nepotism, can we hope that they go the same way as European royalty? Either become foolish, anachronistic laughing stocks or be deposed in bloody revolution?

snideinplainsight September 5, 2009 at 4:49 am

I wish I could be purple.

Guppy06 September 5, 2009 at 4:49 am

[re=403560]BR[/re]: Yeah, because it won’t be available on whitehouse.gov or anything.

The man’s the motherfuckin’ president, he doesn’t exactly need help to “get the message out,” he’s got a press secretary for that. What he needs is a message to begin with, a message at this point that probably includes the words “public,” “option” and “no.”

foog September 5, 2009 at 5:16 am

[re=403604]Guppy06[/re]: As in: “no fecking way am I going to let the wingnuts pressure me into dropping the public option”?

mollymcguire September 5, 2009 at 5:17 am

[re=403568]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Unfortunately (for him), he is not a “serial unachiever.” He has risen to his appropriate level.

[re=403587]Scooter[/re]: Think turkey baster.

[re=403603]snideinplainsight[/re]: “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family . . . “

skutre September 5, 2009 at 5:27 am

That Purple guy should start a gang, get busted, then play back-up for Elvis. That would be a cool resume’

gurukalehuru September 5, 2009 at 6:32 am

[re=403600]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: It worked O.K. with two socialisms.

gurukalehuru September 5, 2009 at 6:37 am

[re=403606]foog[/re]: Thank you for slapping the troll. Nicely done.

slavojzizek September 5, 2009 at 6:39 am

[re=403539]V572625694[/re]: He has no clue what actual employment is really like:

“1983-1986 Self Employed, Hudson Harbor Cruises

- Chartered family cabin-cruiser for parties, film crews, fishing and transport NYC area

- Solicited customers, marketed service.”

Aren’t those all a bunch of euphemisms for being a pimp??!

ManchuCandidate September 5, 2009 at 7:56 am

Josh looks like an extra from a George Romero movie.

Fucking Zombie.

Shanghaied September 5, 2009 at 8:01 am

Haha. AOL. Was he emailing you from 1992?

jasper f. krone September 5, 2009 at 8:15 am

Well, if we can’t make fun of his purpleness, can we at least make fun of his webpage formatting? It was one-and-a-half screens wide, with all the non-whitespace off the screen.

Or his use of the word “Liaised”?

dijetlo September 5, 2009 at 8:18 am

I think we need to take this guy seriously. He’s a Republican Fishmonger, from a family of Republican fear-mongers, who’s mother is a Republican whore-monger (see M. Lewisnki affair). His vast mongering skills are on display here, this concord grape masquerading as the demon zygote offspring of Lucia Goldberg has actually written to Newell basically mongering more punishment from our Wonkette.
The point is (wait a minute…did I have a point? Oh yeah…) we need to capture this freak of nature so that his pure mongering essence can be distilled like a fine Cabernet and used in the service of wholesome liberalism, as opposed to the vile undertakings of your garden variety Republican. What I’m saying here, people is he doesn’t need to be defeated, he needs to be harvested.
That, and somebody has to make sure Lucia Goldberg doesn’t reproduce again, I nominate BR, since he apparently has this viral thing down and that kind of knowledge could be key in accomplishing this hazardous mission (wear your helmet, you’re probably going to need some rope and a couple rolls of duct tape, PS. we’ll miss you).

Bruno September 5, 2009 at 8:23 am

So cute, acoording to Lucianne.Com, he thinks young black boys are allowed to vote.

Hopey dont play that game September 5, 2009 at 8:31 am

The Goldberg boys. Born with silver dicks in their mouths.

Bruno September 5, 2009 at 8:51 am

Well Joshua has the Wonkette news cycle down. We can comment on him all weekend long & possibly Labor day. Hurray!

liquiddaddy September 5, 2009 at 9:00 am

Mr. Goldberg:

Wonkette is a fountain of potential advice to further your career – good move on your part. I think you should add the following to your VC to help convey your political bona fides:

1968: mother fellated President Lydon Baines Johnson

1968 – 1972: mother fellated President Richard Milhouse Nixon

No thanks is necessary. It’s on the house.

WagTehGod September 5, 2009 at 9:03 am

If he’s sending his resume, methinks he’s either trying to be the next Wonkette intern or he’s trying to hit on our dear Riley.

Way Cool Larry September 5, 2009 at 9:05 am

wow, how much would it suck to be the older, even less accomplished, brother of Jonah Goldberg?

Way Cool Larry September 5, 2009 at 9:06 am

[re=403621]Bruno[/re]: LOL, I almost feel sorry for the guy

norbizness September 5, 2009 at 9:08 am

Shorter Grimace: “You’ve upset Mother very much!”

zhubajie September 5, 2009 at 9:11 am

Does he have any ugly tatoos? Any taste for sipping vodka out of some man’s anus? Maybe mercenary in Afghanistan can be his next job!

glamourdammerung September 5, 2009 at 9:19 am

I feel like I should say something positive.

Uhm, at least he is not his brother or his mother. Any one of us would be purple with that Tim McVeigh disaffected stare thing going on if we had to be around that those two.

TheJackSack September 5, 2009 at 9:33 am

I was 100% convinced you comic geniuses created this “Joshua Goldberg” character. And then I hit the google-machine and… wow, this dude is real. And he really is Jonah Goldberg’s brother! A fish monger! I want more of this story!!!

slappypaddy September 5, 2009 at 9:40 am

[re=403608]skutre[/re]: sweet. he’d be in the rhythm section. oompah-guy on the tuba. would he be the sweetest jailbird you ever did see? let’s rock!

slappypaddy September 5, 2009 at 9:47 am

here’s a lame and obvious joke (whaddya want, it’s sadderday morning): is j-go’s girlfriend (boyfriend?) a purple-people eater?

The Toot September 5, 2009 at 9:50 am

I will also say something positive. At least he did not claim to know anything about HTML. It hurt to read that resume site.

And Joshua, it’s not that you haven’t worked. It’s that you haven’t had a career, or, so it appears, a sense of purpose.

magic titty September 5, 2009 at 9:50 am

“You Story on ME, Joshua Goldberg”

He couldn’t do a quick grammar check on that bitch before he pressed ‘Send’? Jesus.
Personally I would never story on him, ever.

slappypaddy September 5, 2009 at 9:57 am

one more before i go do something even less productive. this may be a lion’s den, but j-go ain’t no daniel. if he can’t stand (and ignore — yay verily, even manfully ignore) a wonkette hazing, politics may not be the answer to what he should do with his meandering life. harbor cruises with mommy’s boat or editing mommy’s website would both be much wiser choices. in fact, why did his mommy even let him go out to play by himself? he’s clearly too young. look, he’s still in knee-pants. there are laws about this, you know.

sezme September 5, 2009 at 10:01 am

Joshua Goldberg/Prince 2012!

Mr Blifil September 5, 2009 at 10:05 am

Looking forward to when his family goes all out to ensure his glorious victory. Any word on this accomplished person’s spouse and requisite number of children?

Mr Blifil September 5, 2009 at 10:14 am

Worse epithets than “Autoerotic Asphyxiation Candidate?”

Katydid September 5, 2009 at 10:15 am

Damn Google Alerts. This is how they find us.

This will be the only time I give credit to Lucianne spawn. At least he sent an e-mail to Newel, and he didn’t have his mom twat his whine. Also, he didn’t call his resume a CV. That there’s restraint.

As to the resume, I’m stunned that this wingnut wannabe worked for the socialist fascist-promoting NBC News. At another job, he worked with Russian business news. Joshua Goldberg is a communist? I am shocked.

Also, Joshua, ’cause I know you’re reading this, how am I supposed to respect you as a wingnut, when your wingnut credentials are nearly non-existent, while your younger, doughhier, pantloadier brother, at least, managed to get off his no-talent ass years ago after begging mom to buy get him an undeserved job putatively working for the wingnut cause? You spent the past 5 years tour-guiding around NY, and when mom you decided you would run for office, you took a job managing mom’s blog, which was, amusingly, a step up from your old job. Did you drive the buses also? ‘Cause that would be cool.

But my real complaint, Joshua, is your stance (insert Larry Craig joke here) on compensation for the NYPD and the FDNY. I thought wingnuts were all like “9/11!!1!! USA” How do you justify complaining and wanting to slash benefits for the people who ran into the Twin Towers while they were burning?

President Beeblebrox September 5, 2009 at 10:21 am

[re=403536]Dear Diorama[/re]: Please keep in mind that this site is still “under contruction.”

Yeah. There’s something really weird about how he set up the tables in the HTML coding (DID HE HAND CODE IT? HENNGH?), because on Safari, there’s a ginormous margin on the left, like 3/4 of the screen, so that all of the text is scrunched up in the right.

I’m looking for the “Best Viewed With Netscape 2.0″ badge.

gjdodger September 5, 2009 at 10:24 am

I don’t believe he’s Lucianne’s. Let’s see the stain on her dress.

rocktonsammy September 5, 2009 at 10:31 am

I’m adding some of his work history to my resume’, potential employers never check.

widget09 September 5, 2009 at 10:51 am

Yeah, but I love him in the WWF. He looks soooooo much smaller in the picture though.

teebob2000 September 5, 2009 at 11:02 am

Purple twat.

El Pinche September 5, 2009 at 11:04 am

[re=403642]President Beeblebrox[/re]: What? You’d think with 1994-1996 : Geocities web page builder/Lawn Care Specialist he’d be an expert.

SomeNYGuy September 5, 2009 at 11:17 am

[re=403653]El Pinche[/re]: Geocities web page builder/Lawn Care Specialist

Shouldn’t this make him the king of Astroturf organizers?

Mr Blifil September 5, 2009 at 11:18 am

[re=403643]gjdodger[/re]: Judging by his color, it seems logical to assume the stains would be found on her underwear.

AnglRdr September 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=403569]drrty martini[/re]: Rules! They have rules for posting: http://lucianne.com/editors/
And they’re SERIOUS about them.

the problem child September 5, 2009 at 11:42 am

This resume is composed entirely of fail and fishguts. He should try his luck in Alaska.
And fishguts reminds me of fishnuts: http://www.berkeleybreathed.com/Images/fav_strip1_full.jpg

karen September 5, 2009 at 11:43 am

I see the GeoCities level of web page development is still in use on that site. Also, his attempt at a moustache is scary :(

SomeNYGuy September 5, 2009 at 11:47 am

Joshua Goldberg is something of a chameleon, in that his complexion assumes the color of whatever cereal he’s had for breakfast. On the morning that photo was taken, it happened to have been BooBerry.

He once ate a bowl of Lucky Charms and had to be hospitalized.

voyetra8 September 5, 2009 at 11:54 am

1991-1992 Associate Producer, National Broadcast Satellite Company
- Assisted in the production of Russian business news program for direct-satellite broadcasts.

UHHHH SOMEONE GET GLENN BECK ON THE HORN!

THE RED TIDE IS RISING!

RoscoePColtraine September 5, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Joshua’s resume reads like the satire here on Wonkette. If it was medical school he was applying for it would contain entries such as “Have read extensive newspaper articles on medical advances…Researched various remedies for sneezing/congestion at Walgreens…As a child gave physical exams to friends…”

Oldskool September 5, 2009 at 12:07 pm

“I know that I am just opening myself to more of your ridicule but that is how elections work.”

All campaigns begin with internet ridicule? I’m not opposed to the idea but I didn’t know it was on everyone’s to-do list when they run for office. In any event, glad we could help.

Wait a minute, this is all about free publicity, innit? Nicely done, sir.

imissopus September 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm

On looks alone he should get 100% of the ginger child molester vote.

Way Cool Larry September 5, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=403666]Oldskool[/re]: we’ll ridicule him to our hearts’ content and he gets all the publicity that comes from our ridicule. Sounds like a deal!

ifthethunderdontgetya" September 5, 2009 at 12:38 pm

No new posts this weekend?

I’ve got some more pics from New Mexico.

Including a hummer. Also!
~

Pizzuti September 5, 2009 at 12:40 pm

I love the whole “Seriously, stop making fun of me you don’t know the whole story even though I don’t care because I’m so above it” response to Online bickering.

He spends about a third of his email responding to jokes by explaining why the camera image was unflattering, then throws it all the way stating that a response to all the jokes wouldn’t be worth his time.

Simba B September 5, 2009 at 1:00 pm

Oh gawd. Check out the HTML source of his resume page:

<META NAME=”Generator” CONTENT=”Internet Assistant for Word Version 3.0″>

All I get in place of his resume on Firefox 3.5 is a little box with the code 0×3000 in it: http://img337.yfrog.com/img337/7662/screenshotgoldbergforco.png

LittlePig September 5, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Either old man Goldberg (I assume there is an old man Goldberg, but then again given the genetic oddities on display here Goldbergs may well indeed reproduce asexually by budding) did something to really, *REALLY* piss God off, or else God loves His Wonkett very, very much.

I have heard that some geographically cut off families in Kentucky had a blueish tinge from inbreeding, and they don’t call the British royalty “bluebloods” fer nuthin’. I got $20 says the guy’s a hemophiliac. No bets on homopederast – that’s a given.

“Oh he’s got friends in crawlspaces,
Got some arms and legs
and a few faces
stashed all around,
in different parts of town…”

AnnieGetYourFun September 5, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Dear Josh,

I’m actually not going to mock you, because I save my mockery for people who really bring the crazy. You, my dear, are not remotely crazy enough. You’re probably a decent guy who believes in politics that I disagree with, but just a few tips:

1. See a stylist. Appearances shouldn’t matter, but do. Lose the ‘stache. Get a decent haircut. Have a better video made.
2. Do your part to distance yourself from your mother if you want anyone to take you seriously.
3. It’s OK to have random jobs and no real career. Just make sure to pitch yourself as working class and not as some sort of businessman. If you can actually manage a campaign that identifies with the common person but still pitches a Republican agenda (it doesn’t make any sense, but just watch video of Joe the Plumber and do the opposite of whatever he does).
4. AOL? Hon, look into using the free email that comes with your domain registration. If you are lucky, by the time elections roll around, no one will remember this ugly episode.

And lastly, NEVER respond anything that Wonkette says or does. Ever. It can only end badly.

I will likely be beaten, possibly banned, for writing this (or possibly simply tagged as “patently unfunny”) but I sort of feel sorry for you. I fucking HATE feeling sorry for people, so pull it together, jackass.

house of the blue lights September 5, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=403539]V572625694[/re]: So, he was turning tricks?

RoscoePColtraine September 5, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=403675]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Annie, you might be doing Joshua a disservice with the advice “lose the ‘stache.” I figure if he keeps it long enough, it should be back in style eventually. Also, lots of men wear facial hair to cover their double (or triple) chin, ie Chuck Todd, so what if Joshua wears a moustache to cover a big ugly mole? Otherwise, I admire your helpful missive.

President Beeblebrox September 5, 2009 at 1:50 pm

[re=403673]Simba B[/re]: HAHAHAHAHAHA Internet Assistant for Word? You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

The fail is too amazingly epic for snark to be effective. Cruel mockery is the only solution.

TGY September 5, 2009 at 2:00 pm

Does this mean that Wonkette is now a Power That Must Be Appeased like Rush Limbaugh? Sweet.

responsible commenter September 5, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Looks like the resume has been taken down, maybe because it relied too heavily on the word “solicited.”

Wonder how long it will take to fix “luanch.”

And you guys are just mean about the html. I think there’s something charming about “under construction” in big capitals on the issues page. Can someone point Joshua to a cute animated gif of a steam shovel?

Norbert September 5, 2009 at 2:07 pm

I have to say that as a serially un/underemployed, bounce-all-over-the-place, sometime fishmonger, as well as total resume-FAILure-person, I feel quite a bit of empathy with this smurf-like gentleman, as the beautiful people of Wonkette pile on from their lofty perches.

So chin up, Joshua Goldberg, and know that in my book at least it is not for your azure hue the day you shot your video nor for what I’m sure is a perfectly good work history (I’m not nearly interested enough to read about it) that you are almost certainly a giant putz, but rather for the repugnant views I’m confident you share with your family (who really do seem like unrepentant assholes. sorry about that). I had a peek at lucianne.com just now and my worst fears have been confirmed. But thanks for standing for office, and thanks for writing in. p.s. I would like to have a more substantive and wonky discussion with you; would you consider sending some of your position papers to Wonkette? Take heed: there is every chance there will be more ridicule — but you seem brave.

WadISay September 5, 2009 at 2:18 pm

I would like to see his wife’s resume, to see if it shows “fish monger’s wife” for the relevant period.

SomeNYGuy September 5, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=403684]WadISay[/re]: Too late. She sleeps with the fishes.

Simba B September 5, 2009 at 2:47 pm

[re=403678]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Near as I can tell from the Googles (I’d never heard of it), it was an add on for Microsoft Word version six point fucking zero. I think I wrote some fourth grade papers on Word for Windows 6.0.

At best they’re running Office 95, which is kind of like pointing out the difference between the 1979 and 1980 model Chevette in your defense.

Simba B September 5, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Google cache, bitches. Save it while you can.

WadISay September 5, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=403681]responsible commenter[/re]: How about a “Men at Work” sign and a picture of the Village People?

El Pinche September 5, 2009 at 3:19 pm

[re=403655]SomeNYGuy[/re]: Hahaha..the jokes just make themselves up this bitch today! Thanks Josh!

Atheist Nun September 5, 2009 at 3:30 pm

OK, I’m late to the party here but… that guy is drinking, eating and bathing in Colloidal Silver, isn’t he?

And: Fishmonger? You don’t say!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=660KKk3mPiE

brown_recluse September 5, 2009 at 3:30 pm

“Purple people”? Really? Is Liz Cheney the last of the Republican Hellspawn Nepotism Gang who’s not afraid to call herself a Republican?

chascates September 5, 2009 at 3:35 pm

To his credit he is not as rotund as his brother; probably all the fish. Still has the small, beady eyes and downturned mouth however.

Simba B September 5, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=403694]chascates[/re]: So I guess somewhere in Jonah’s past is a resume item as a Baconator monger.

AnnieGetYourFun September 5, 2009 at 3:58 pm

[re=403677]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Fair enough. I was actually going to go into a bit of a tangent on that – it’s always possible that someone has a harelip scar or whatever that they want to hide. However, I know exactly two gingers who do facial hair well, one of whom is our Comics Curmudgeon, jfruh.

Joshua, if you feel the need to grow facial hair, do it well. Learn from others. That is all.

Long Form Def Certificate September 5, 2009 at 4:13 pm

I give him credit for staying the city. He could easily be the number three in the Militia of Montana, or number two with whatever will be the next Heaven’s Gate style cult to make the news. Sometimes, it’s a credit to be unambitious.

Or maybe he’s just a big Woody Allen fan & the world outside of NYC scares him.

Rajul September 5, 2009 at 5:10 pm

He looks like the love child of Violet Beauregarde and an Oompa Loompa. Which begs the question: can someone born in Loompaland be President?

Johnny Zhivago September 5, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Since when is “running errands for mom” considered to be a job?

facehead September 5, 2009 at 6:55 pm

[re=403675]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I see his complexion matches your gun …

COINCIDENCE??!?!?! I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!

Monsieur Grumpe September 5, 2009 at 7:48 pm

He’s got my vote even though I live in Minnesota.

slappypaddy September 5, 2009 at 8:26 pm

[re=403675]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: he’s got a lock on the sympathy vote, i see.

slappypaddy September 5, 2009 at 8:35 pm

[re=403683]Norbert[/re]: i’m ugly as sin, lowly poised not loftily perched, barely employed and likely to be a burden on society in my old age if the death panels don’t get me first, and i’m sure as i need be that j-go is a fine young man, but that’s the thing — that’s all i see is he’s probably a fine young man. enough of the kids in government, no matter their chronny age. you would figure we’ve had enough of children in government after smirky monkey and slick willie and all the ethical and intellectual carcasses all the cats dragged in during the sixteen years that preceded the obama administration. having one obvious adult in government makes me hungry for more (or maybe it’s just the dope that makes me hungry).

Servo September 5, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Filmed entirely in Tard-O-Vision.

MortSinclair September 5, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Asberger’s or Asshole. You decide.

lulzmonger September 5, 2009 at 9:56 pm

WTF?!? There’s ANOTHER one?

Is there anyone in that family that has the decency to just STFU & go away?

hobospacejunkie September 5, 2009 at 11:01 pm

I simply cannot trust a ginger who has taken money for mongering a fish. A horse perhaps. Maybe a dog. Where was the fishmonger’s wife during this shameful period in his life? Was there any adult supervision at all? I’m guessing the fishmongering was going on when mommy was occupied & preoccupied with somebody’s blue dress. Also while lavishing attention on the other son, the one she obviously loves far more than the ginger (who wouldn’t?) I don’t even know what a fishmonger does. I don’t want to know.

Uncle Glenny September 5, 2009 at 11:08 pm

I’m surprised no one mentioned something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9H_cI_WCnE

MzNicky September 5, 2009 at 11:11 pm

Well for cryin’ out loud. SOMEONE has to post this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKDtUzRIG6I

MzNicky September 5, 2009 at 11:16 pm

dang it. This is the one I wanted to post. Skip to about 2:19.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTpUVAcvWfU

S.Luggo September 5, 2009 at 11:45 pm

Lucianne.Com, it is a perfumery, non?

Scooter September 6, 2009 at 12:42 am

Ifthethunderdontgetya: Nice hummer shot! Appears to be an immature male Calliope BTW.

Uncle Glenny September 6, 2009 at 1:30 am

hahaha, pointed out elsewhere, but here’s how ObamaCare will pay for itself: buying life settlement securities, and invoking the death panels!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/06/business/06insurance.html

[re=403735]Scooter[/re]: There was a hummer shot?? All I saw was a bit of a leg.

Marlowe September 6, 2009 at 1:57 am

At his website, his pictures are dithered, as though he processed them in the 256 colors of Windows 3.11

Bearbloke September 6, 2009 at 2:36 am

[re=403560]BR[/re]: You mean you want to further Komrade Ayatollah N0bama’s Voodoo-powered IslamoKenyan Nazi scheme to turn America’s innocent White Christian children into Negro Constitutional Scholars??? YOU FIEND!!!!!11!!!~11!1

[re=403635]magic titty[/re]: Well, maybe if ‘story’ was Goldberg-family code for ‘defecate’… and I think it is…

[re=403602]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I vote for bloody revolution, myself…

[re=403730]MzNicky[/re]: Ah yes – the good Dr. Demento! Is that what he looked like a million years ago?

[re=403587]Scooter[/re]: Satan?

[re=403595]Suds McKenzie[/re]:
“He looks like a dungaree wearer.”

He looks like a dungaree wearer dung wallower.

/fixed

Bearbloke September 6, 2009 at 2:37 am

J September 6, 2009 at 2:44 am

It’s hard to believe one of Lucianne Goldberg’s kids would be so unattractive, what with her being quite the fine looking lady that she is. At least Joshua’s brother, Jonah, carries on the handsome Goldberg family trad..oh wait, never mind.

Scooter September 6, 2009 at 7:12 am

[re=403751]J[/re]: In a sense Jonah Goldberg is aptly named, having spent nine months in the belly of a whale. Looking through brother Joshua’s resume it’s hard to see any connection between his own life and that of his biblical namesake, though I suspect in high school he may have had a friend Aachen who liked to get stoned.

teebob2000 September 6, 2009 at 9:57 am

[re=403751]J[/re]: God in heaven!! I just did the google on her and she looks like a real-life and uglier Cruella DeVille!!

Simba B September 6, 2009 at 12:56 pm

[re=403817]teebob2000[/re]: She looks like Jonah in drag.

Cookie_Monster_Cupcake September 6, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Hey Goldburg, I figured someone with a website would want to focus on the fact that it doesn’t work in Chrome.

peeno nwar September 6, 2009 at 1:17 pm

All I can say is, Joshua had some awesome foresight and/or timing to pose with the space shuttle Challenger exploding in the background. But, from his apparent age in the photo, that must mean he is now 147 years old. Kudos to him for remaining active after all these years!

dr.giraud September 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=403569]drrty martini[/re]: from lucienne.com: “Score a big one for New Media as Marxist Czar ankles administration with Old Media timing.”

“ANKLES??” Rona Barrett called from 1972. She wants her lingo back.

DustBowlBlues September 6, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Why would anyone pay attention to wonkette? Because no one else is talking about him? He isn’t a serious candidate if he has that much time on his hands. Besides, he does look purple and that mustache hair combo he’s got going is creepy. Maybe John Boner’s tanning bed is empty. This clown could use some uv rays.

J September 6, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=403817]teebob2000[/re]:

Trust me, teebob, Google pix don’t do credit to this hag, you have to see her in action on TV with her whiskey-soaked raspy voice slithering from a throat you know has sucked off every right wing freak, from Barry Goldwater to Newt (literally true, she was involved in some Goldwater dirty tricks against LBJ – didn’t work quite so well in those days, this was before these freaks had Fox and hate-radio to play with). Truly a repulsive casing of a woman who has spawned 2 (are there more?) borderline retarded seeds who infect our lives now, cashing in on wing nut affirmative action – affirmative action they and their ilk decry if it’s Sonia Sotomeyer earning a scholarship to Princeton by virtue of her brains, instead of the Goldberg fuckfaces getting jobs solely by virtue of being the devil spawn of – and I don’t say this lightly – perhaps the butt-ugliest woman on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

102415 September 6, 2009 at 7:20 pm

Hahaha, my first tip ever to lite up dear old Wonkette. I was away for awhile down on hands and knees with pig sickness and of course got hauled up in front of the local Death Panel for a nasty hour or two but then I talked my way out of it as always and now I get to see the sweet comic stylings of you all here and then a little real food and a trip out to see Extract to celebrate.

grevillea September 6, 2009 at 7:40 pm

[re=403917]J[/re]: What the hell are you implying? That Josh ‘n Jonah grew from jizz-loogies LuLu coughed up? Sounds plausible.

DustBowlBlues September 6, 2009 at 8:07 pm

[re=403635]magic titty[/re]: His resume was so lame, it was invisible when I clicked on it.

DustBowlBlues September 6, 2009 at 8:12 pm

[re=403666]Oldskool[/re]: I love it when someone who attaches his name to a bunch of vicious slurs like one of the racitst/winger web sites complains that wonkette is too mean.

AnnieGetYourFun September 6, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=403713]slappypaddy[/re]: I don’t particularly want to vote for him, I just want to drag him to a halfway decent salon, hand them his mother’s credit card, and tell them to return him in a presentable condition. Pity is probably a better word for it.

factnorfiction September 7, 2009 at 12:39 am

He has been working since he was FIFTEEN, you guys. FIFTEEN. God.

Zorg September 7, 2009 at 1:27 am

Another filthy, power-hungry, syphilitic Jew, blinking in the daylight just like a little maggot who has been exposed by a surgeon’s lance in a pustule, as good old Adolf wrote in his wonderful book. When will this country be rid of these bowlegged parasites?

Atheist Nun September 7, 2009 at 2:35 am

[re=403751]J[/re]: [re=403817]teebob2000[/re]: [re=403917]J[/re]:

Lucianne Goldberg is so ugly…
………………………………………………………………………………….(How ugly is she?)

Lucianne Goldberg is so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
………………………………………………………………………………….(Laugh Track)

Lucianne Goldberg is so ugly that her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.
………………………………………………………………………………….(Laugh Track)

But, no, really… So few people want to look at her, that there aren’t even any videos of her on YouTube. All I could find was this Rube Goldberg machine video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RouXygRcRC4

It’s far more entertaining than she is, anyway.

An Outhouse September 7, 2009 at 9:51 am

His website returned “end htmlcode Xbuilder Runtime Error – Structure Error – HtmlCode -without- End HtmlCode or Bad Indentation ”

There are some people who should not be allowed around computers.

President Beeblebrox September 7, 2009 at 11:29 am

Wow, Josh’s campaign contributions are really flowing in. This may explain why he seems to be using Xoom.com circa 1997 to build his website.

http://tinyurl.com/mn3yz4

Where are teh munnies from Mom and Jonah?

problemwithcaring September 7, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=403657]AnglRdr[/re]: Rules for posting: “Drudge is hot. Drudge is fabulous, a friend and a fox but think ‘link’ to post on our site.”

Don’t derail this man’s campaign, Wonkette. Think long term. This guy is a tranny BSM prostitution sex scandal just waiting to happen.

Alaska Girl September 7, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Jeeze! Is cluelessness genetic in that family? Just what America doesn’t need, another whiner with no sense of humor.

Johnny Zhivago September 7, 2009 at 5:40 pm

That’s some website!

I’ve seen better ones for people running for Kabul city dog catcher.

Bet you a million $$$ those images are stolen from Flickr or some other site.

President Beeblebrox September 7, 2009 at 6:18 pm

[re=404059]problemwithcaring[/re]: Lucianne.com is SRS BSNS. The Bald Eagle with the US American Flag tattooed on the right side of its face will see to that.

Marlowe September 7, 2009 at 7:41 pm

[re=404035]President Beeblebrox[/re]:
Six out of 7 contributions. One is from 04/08/2009.
Maybe Joshua can’t decide if running as an European with their style of dating.

BMK September 8, 2009 at 1:09 am

[re=402927]yargisbargis[/re]: called it.

BMK September 8, 2009 at 1:26 am

[re=404210]BMK[/re]: Idiot. A day late and tag doesn’t work.
See previous thread.

graceless September 8, 2009 at 9:26 am

All together now, “one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater…”
sorry.

The Sea Farmer September 8, 2009 at 10:30 am

>>>Please keep in mind that this site is still “under contruction.”<<<

need trucks for building the tubes!

professionalcynic September 8, 2009 at 11:12 am

Judging by his resume, are you sure this guy is not running as a Libertarian?

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