FOX News tracked down Bill Rice, some guy who up until yesterday had ten fingers and now he does not, all thanks to the public option. As it turns out, we all dodged a bullet with this guy who could, if he so desired, easily, easily stand to gain from this whole ordeal a reality show, a 15,000 profile in Vanity Fair (as told to Willow Palin and William Langewiesche), and the VP slot on the 2012 GOP ticket. Plus, BONUS common decency cred for telling the FOX anchor that having your hand eaten doesn’t make you a hero, it makes you a highly medicated guy with nine fingers.

Anyway, Bill Rice is happy to answer your questions about his finger and the man who is currently digesting it! Let’s summarize these important points, together.

Q. Where is the cannibal? Is he at large?

A. He is at large and probably getting hungry again.

Q. Who started it?

A. The nine-fingered guy started punching the finger-eater because the latter called the former an “idiot,” an antiquated slur directed towards people with ten-fingers.

Q. Couldn’t the doctors just re-attach the pinky?

A. No. The bacteria from the finger-eater’s mouth had compromised the health of the digit.

Q. Bill Rice, man of nine-fingers, you will sue the flesh demon, yes? For such is the American way!

A. Nah.

Here is the 20 point essay question: It is entirely incidental, is it not, that the finger-biter and the former finger-haver happen to disagree on issues of health care policy? In no way is this a WIN for any side, because it is a BIG LOSE for all humans everywhere? Please use complete sentences and six of the seven vocabulary words from lesson four.

[Crooks and Liars]

Donate with CCDonate with CC


  1. This little piggy went to townhall.

    This little piggy wisely stayed at home.

    This little piggy had some healthcare

    This little piggy had none.

    This little piggy got bit off by a fucking psycho at a townhall so he cried wee wee wee all the way to the hospital where they charged Uncle Sam $7000.

  2. I keep feeling grossed out every time I imagine that the biter actually had to chomp down on that nasty thing (who knows where it had been!) and then have it in his mouth before spitting it on the ground.

    But also, how cool of a story is that? I hope he tells his grandkids someday. “Yeah, he got his pinky right between my back molars, so what could I do? I CHOMPED right THROUGH THE BONE (grandkids squeal in delight) and then all that blood filled my mouth, it tasted like pennies! So I SPAT it on the ground and just cold walked away. And that’s how we did it back in the day, kids.”

    His nickname should be Chompers.

  3. I love how Fox news puts it “A guy advocating for Obama’s health plan” bit your ‘freakin’ finger off…”
    Well, Obama is a half-muslin commie from Africa, and everyone knows they’re cannibals.

  4. Uh and hey, bonus? Maybe they’ll be a bit more hesitant to show their asses at town hall meetings?

    We can only hope that they have all learned the lesson of Nine Fingers.

  5. Lesson to Olds on Medicare. Quit going to healthcare reform rallies and protesting healthcare for the rest of us. Next time, it won’t be no stinkin’ pinky, assholio.

  6. Q: Sir, because Obama’s health care prevented you from getting your finger,
    how will you toss anyone’s salad now?
    A: I dont life is over..*Sniff*

  7. It was on his left hand which is The Devils Hand! so now he is now twenty percent less evil. This should help him gain entry into heaven which, at his age, could be any minute now.

  8. “I’m Gonna Find You….” Ca-Reepy!

    Also, if you hit a guy with your left fist, a pinky goes in his mouth and your punch closes the jaw with force, could you not punch your own finger off? Just sayin.

  9. Highlight of the interview:

    Cavuto: How are you doing right now? Are you in any pain?
    Guy-who-could-be-confused-for-murderer-of-Inigo-Montaya’s-father-but-in-the-opposite-way: No, I’m medicated right now. I can’t fucking feel my face.

  10. Let’s think this one over from the biter’s point of view.

    You have a political dispute with a guy. He doesn’t like what you believe, so he punches you. Hard. Twice. Should you be required to walk away meekly, face bruised or bleeding? Or should you man up, like John Wayne would have done, and cause the puncher some pain?

    In short, should you be a whimpy liberal and do nothing, or a courageous conservative and bite the finger?

  11. I’m pretty sure this guy said once in his life, “Man, I’d give my little finger to be famous for any reason whatsoever someday.”

    Someone dust off the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner for this jack sauce.

  12. So much for pussy liberals. Punch us in the face, we’ll bite your fucking finger off.

    From now on, I will wave my fingers in the air and bare my teeth at any wingnuts who get too close.

  13. [re=402698]JadedDIssonance[/re]: if you hit a guy with your left fist, a pinky goes in his mouth and your punch closes the jaw with force, could you not punch your own finger off?

    See? That’s just what Mike Tyson said that time Holyfield wouldn’t stop smacking him in the face with his ear!

  14. [re=402698]JadedDIssonance[/re]: could you not punch your own finger off?

    It’s better to leave those sorts of metaphysical questions to the experts, like Mark Trail.

  15. weirdest part is right at the end when Cavuto says “I’m goin’ find you…”

    and what? take a punch at him and get your finger bitten off?

    I’m going to miss the batshit crazy health care carnival of august ought nine… wait, no I’m not.

  16. The nine fingered guy is probably just thanking his lucky stars it didn’t happen in a mens-room stall and he had some other “fleshy appendage” in the biter’s mouth. After all, he’s still got nine of ten left, whereas it could have been “one and done.”

  17. Hi there fellow libtards. Here is my latest strategy, start asking all your conservative, bible thumper, old, fat , white friends and aquaintences questions about guns and ammo. It goes something like this ” I am concerned that all the hate rhetoric from (insert famous pundit here, Bachman , Beck , Cheney who ever )will send some psycho over the edge and assasinate the President. If that happens all the coloreds will riot and I will need some protection, so what is the best gun and ammo for that purpose? And how do I get a concealed carry permit? ”
    See, this will spread the message that libtards are to be feared because they might eat, shoot and leave. Like a Panda, sort of.

  18. This is how health care is going to be decided – Mr. Nine Finger here against Mr. Nine-and-a-half Finger (Rahm Emanuel).

    Handicapper’s tip: The half-finger (and the psychotic temperament) give Emanuel the edge.

  19. Is the biter’s name Smeagol/Gollum?

    “And then a minstrel of Gondor stepped forth and begged leave to sing… ‘Listen all ye, and I shall tell you the tale of Nine-Fingered Bill Rice and the Health Care Bill of Doom.”

  20. [re=402693]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: yeah, truly. ‘Tis no trivial thing to bite through bone! I still have trouble seeing this actually happening. Could it be a hoax?

  21. [re=402774]WhatTheHeck[/re]: This reminds me of my favorite scene in Harlem Nights:

    -Oh, so now you gonna shoot me in my pinky toe?

    -I am not playing with you, Vera. I will blow that gnarled, black, little dead crusty motherfucka the fuck off ya foot. You will be the 9-toe-havingness, limpingness bitch in Harlem if you don’t quit playing with me, now put the razor away.

  22. From Resivior Dogs (I’m paraphrasing)

    Mr. White: “If he won’t tell you what you want to know, cut of one of his fingers…the little one. And tell him his thumb is next. He’ll tell you if he wears ladies underwear.”

    Well? We’re waiting.

  23. Calling someone an idiot is not illegal and you can’t sue someone because their teeth cut your fist when you hit them in the mouth.
    Good Lord Cavuto is stupid.

  24. Medicare should start behaving like the fine, upstanding icons of the American Spirit (TM), the private insurance companies, and rather than pay for the hospital stay, find an excuse to drop coverage. Where’s his long-form birth certificate?

  25. If the MSM had better writers, it would go something like this:

    “You want a finger? I can get you a finger, believe me. There are ways, Olberman. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me.”

    And. Also.

    “Who’s the fucking nihilist here? What are you, a bunch of fucking crybabies?”

  26. The question that needs to be asked of this guy:

    You punched the guy in the face…You punched the guy in the face again—and he bit your finger off…If he hadn’t bitten your finger off, how many more times would you have punched him in the face?…If he answers: “Until he bit my finger off.”…Well then, what do we do then…

    A Pox on both their houses…

  27. You wanna know how you do it? Here’s how, they throw a punch, you bite off a finger, they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Thousand Oaks way…

  28. [re=403016]Sick Puppy[/re]: I like this…It’s the old Don Drysdale rule: “You hit one of my players, and I’ll hit two of yours…You hit another one, I’ll hit two more…

  29. this teabagger is going to have a problem remembering how to give all them libruls “the middle finger” now. Frankly I don’t think he will be able to figure it out.

  30. [re=402669]marioninnyc[/re]: I love how Neal seems so disappointed.
    “What?! You don’t want to eat this man’s children and wear their intestines like a feather boa as our Lord and Savior Jebus H. Kleist commands of all U.S.Americans!?”

    “Mmm. No, Neal.”

    “Well, then can I eat them for you?”

  31. This dumb fuck is lucky he got off with a tip of a finger missing. Some of us really do not take too kindly to random assholes hitting them and could do some real damage.

  32. Searching for the mad Health-biter? Just look for somebody who just caught arthritus on his lips.
    You’d have to be crazy running around biting every blue-hair that punches you.

    They carry diseases and bugs and fungus and everything else, yeeeech just the thought of it.

  33. “What did you do with your pinky?”

    “I left it at the hospital. I thought about bringing it home and stir-frying it with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.”


Comments are closed.

Previous articleYou Internet People Are *Torturing* Cindy McCain!
Next articleThe HuffPo Has A Scoop!