PRACTICAL GUIDES FOR LIVING  12:15 pm September 3, 2009

Presenting Michael Steele’s Dope Lessons Of Hip Hop!

by Juli Weiner

Michael Steele parodist Michael Steele stopped by Howard University the other day. Already, by now, you can see where this is going. Every single aspect of the event falls somewhere on the spectrum of “unmitigated disaster” to “accidentally segregating the audience.” Next time Steele reserves the first two rows of seating for a large group of white Young Republican VIPs in a room full of black students, he might just want to go ahead and not do that thing. This is one of Michael Steele’s many (3) invaluable Dope Lessons of Hip Hop! But what are some others?

3. Never Trust A Microphone That Isn’t Your Own

“The special guests sat on the stage as Steele waded into the audience. ‘I’ve got my own microphone,’ he said, brushing aside a stage microphone that had been emitting ugly waves of feedback.”

2. Names Aren’t Going To Drop Themselves, Yo!

“‘Our country can afford more than one Oprah Winfrey,’ said Steele. But the hip-hop kept coming back in. Steele had talked about uplift with young men, alongside ‘friend Russell Simmons,’ the CEO of Def Jam records. ‘Rev. Run was there.’”

and finally…

1. GOLDEN RULE: Mo’ Money

So Steele had three kids sit on the stage for purposes of having them field questions about their futures. These kids, just being kids and not knowing any better, answered Steele’s queries in earnest, unaware that Steele, in lieu of offering constructive advice, would respond simply by quoting the 1996 Notorious B.I.G. album, Life After Death.

“Three students, from Howard, George Washington and American Universities, sat onstage waiting for Steele. When he arrived, after a glowing introduction by the RNC’s Angela Sailor (‘shoes are not easy to walk in if you intend to be a trailblazer’), he conducted short interviews with them.

‘I hope to go to law school and study business law,’ said the George Washington student.

‘Mo’ money!’ said Steele.

‘Yes, sir!’ she said. The laughter didn’t go much further.”

No, it had turned into knowledge by that point.

WONKETTE OUT.

[Washington Independent]

 
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{ 90 comments }

doxastic September 3, 2009 at 12:19 pm

That boston terrier is regretting his decision to appear in Steele’s campaign commercial more and more every day.

Come here a minute September 3, 2009 at 12:21 pm

O beautiful for spacious skies
For ugly waves of feedback

magic titty September 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm

He got 99 Problems but being a fucking tool ain’t one.

GIJoeIce September 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm

He realized that Oprah Winfrey isn’t a government program, right?

Uncle Sam September 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm

MC Uncle Tom

Lorax September 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm

In a 69, Michael’s Steele’s nose’ll tickle your rear.

The Toot September 3, 2009 at 12:24 pm

(’shoes are not easy to walk in if you intend to be a trailblazer’)

This is true, especially when the shoes are big and red and rubber and floppy and go “honk honk!” when you walk in them.

SayItWithWookies September 3, 2009 at 12:24 pm

Steele’s Ben and Jerry flavor is Chunkle Tom.

Marmel September 3, 2009 at 12:26 pm

http://marmel.com/2009/09/hating-our-government-until-we-need-it/

As someone in the midst of the SoCal fires, here’s a question:

How do you hate all government until you need it, and then go back to hating it?

I wish Hypocrisy hurt physically instead of mentally… it’d probably happen less.

memzilla September 3, 2009 at 12:26 pm

“The [front row] chairs sat empty… then, all at once, a large group of young, white Republicans walked in. The complexion of the room changed immediately…”

Intern Riley is moonlighting for the Independent? WIN.

Michael Steele, CEO of Tone Def Recordz.

InsidiousTuna September 3, 2009 at 12:27 pm

[re=401794]SayItWithWookies[/re]: HA

Lascauxcaveman September 3, 2009 at 12:29 pm

He try this shit at Morehouse they’d a put a cap in his ass.

dennymcden September 3, 2009 at 12:29 pm

This is an alt-text competition, isn’t it?

How about: ‘The Whitest White who ever Whited.’

V572625694 September 3, 2009 at 12:30 pm

“I think a lot of people, they went to a stereotype. Black and white. And it’s interesting, the responses, because what I was saying–I wasn’t talking about Republicans all of a sudden walking around with, you know, all the bling-bling.” Steele pantomimed an imaginary chain on his neck, and danced a small step.

O! for a video of that small-step dance! Cuz you know how those people love to dance! The only problem was finding someone to accompany him on the banjo.

Doglessliberal September 3, 2009 at 12:31 pm

I guess to suffer humiliation one needs 1) pride, 2) self-awareness and 3) to be grounded in reality. So he’s OK on that.

magic titty September 3, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=401794]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Damn you.

Doglessliberal September 3, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=401803]V572625694[/re]: He is as much a master of eloquence as Sarah Palin. Palin/Steele 2012!

Terry September 3, 2009 at 12:35 pm

Uh, Mike, bussing the white folks in probably wasn’t a good idea. Most of the rest of us got past the “white folks in the front” thing back in the 60′s. They were probably scared s#$%less being anywhere near Georgia Avenue, too.

One more point. Giving a stay in school talk to students at Howard University, a prestigious minority serving institution….not a good idea. The students there know that an education is important.

It’s sort like if you spoken to a crowd of GOP base supporters and told them the the Red Chinese are just waiting to invade the US, probably from the former Panama Canal Zone. You don’t need to tell them that, they already know.

memzilla September 3, 2009 at 12:40 pm

[re=401794]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s the flavor with Oreo chunks and white chocolate, isn’t it?

ManchuCandidate September 3, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Yo GOP let’s kick it

Steel Steel baby (x2)
All right stop collaborate and listen
Steel is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a toilet daily and nightly
Will the stupid stop yo I don’t know
Turn off the lights and I’ll blow
To the extreme I mix up facts like a vandal
Stumble on stage and wax my ass like a candle
Dance go, paid off to make a stand
I’m killing your brain like a HMO can
Deadly when I act like a dope today
Anything done by us is just a felony
Love it or leave it you better act white
You’d think it be best if I don’t say
If there was a problem yo I’ll mess it
Watch me Uncle Tom just as my MC revolves it

Steel Steel baby (x4)

Snarkalicious September 3, 2009 at 12:41 pm

Ducats.

Godot September 3, 2009 at 12:46 pm

[re=401794]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I assume it includes white chocolate chunks?

Zadig September 3, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=401823]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Oh christ, even VANILLA ICE is less white than Michael Steele.

Gopherit September 3, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Steele needs more autotune.

JadedDIssonance September 3, 2009 at 12:52 pm

What about the part where he criticizes a cancer-orphan for her dislike of insurance companies?

What about the part where he blames town-hall eruptions on Liberals?

What about the part where he dunks his head in a bowl of milk and invites the first two rows to “take a bite”?

Extemporanus September 3, 2009 at 12:52 pm

That’s a pretty good list, Juli, but I think it’s short one:

Stone cold diss chicks whose mothers have died of cancer

23-year-old college grad/activist Amanda Duzak….stood up and interrupted Steele, arguing that “everyone in this country should have access to good health care” and cited the case of her own mother who died of cancer six months ago because she couldn’t afford her prescription chemotherapy medications. The audience applauded her.

Steele responded by chastising Duzak and accusing her of pulling antics to get on TV. “So people go out to town halls, they go to the community, and they’re like this. (SHAKES ARMS) It makes for great TV. You’ll probably make it tonight. Enjoy it.” The audience immediately went “Ohhh” and “Oooo.”

Extemporanus September 3, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[re=401782]doxastic[/re]: The quick brown fox fucked over the lazy eyed dog.

BerkeleyFarm September 3, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=401788]magic titty[/re]: I’m thinking more like “He’s got 99 problems, but a clue ain’t one.”

SayItWithWookies September 3, 2009 at 12:59 pm

[re=401821]memzilla[/re]: That actually sounds good, too.

american mutt September 3, 2009 at 1:04 pm

watching the video, i think steele was being reasonable. you may proceed at throwing tomatoes at me.

Norbert September 3, 2009 at 1:06 pm

young White Republican VIPs = hell on earth

Dave J. September 3, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=401841]Extemporanus[/re]: Steele was just pissed that he couldn’t do any good “yo momma” jokes to a girl who’s mother had, in fact, recently died.

donner_froh September 3, 2009 at 1:10 pm

[re=401823]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

To the extreme I mix up facts like a vandal
Stumble on stage and wax my ass like a candle

Ultra-perfecto. Might want to take out the “and” just replace it with a beat but that is a quibble.

Extemporanus September 3, 2009 at 1:10 pm

[re=401861]Dave J.[/re]: Yo mamma’s sooo dead…

WadISay September 3, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Some of the brothers should have gone up to the Young Republicans and asked if they could dance wif yo’ dates.

Paterlanger September 3, 2009 at 1:18 pm

What if Michael Steele is like Remington Steele? I mean, what if the Republicans were just going around all Stephanie Zimbalist like and telling people “yeah, the leader of our party is a very successful and not at all resentful totally post-racial non-muslim colored fellow but he’s too busy to meet with you right now” all the while knowing that this Michael Steele was just a myth created by Karl Rove to make the brown folks slightly less afraid of the GOP. Then one day Michael walks in, sits in the big chair and says “What’s on the agenda today, y’all” and like dares them to kick him out.

facehead September 3, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Word to yo alma mater!

dum librul September 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

[re=401868]Extemporanus[/re]:
Yo mamma’s so dead she voted for Richard J. Daley.
Yo mamma’s so dead she beat John Ashcroft for Missouri Senator.
Yo mamma’s so dead they injecting politics into it.

Steele/Biden 2012!

donner_froh September 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

[re=401861]Dave J.[/re]: Yo momma’s so dead that Natalie Halloway is looking for her

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm

I am convinced Michael Steele is just Alex Trebek in baldhead & blackface. Stay classy, you cagey canuck!

the deliverator September 3, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=401876]WadISay[/re]: thank you for the first laugh of the day.

Dr. Zoidberg September 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=401823]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Will you marry me? We can play that song at our wedding.

facehead September 3, 2009 at 1:30 pm

[re=401794]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Oh SNAP!

Tommmcatt September 3, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=401894]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]:

I was thinking Larry David, but I see what you mean.

TGY September 3, 2009 at 1:31 pm

Well, here’s a Steeleus interruptus video, anyway.

Winsome September 3, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=401884]donner_froh[/re]: Thats the best laugh on Wonkette in Months!!!

Advocatus_Diaboli September 3, 2009 at 1:38 pm

[re=401796]Marmel[/re]: hey blogwhore, we saw your linky thing in the last post. And the one before that. And the one before that. Guess what? We’re not clicky-clicky-ing, so give it a fucking rest.

kewlguy42069 September 3, 2009 at 1:42 pm

i refuse to believe that he is a real person

Scoops McGee September 3, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Gee whiz, everybody! That Michael Steele is one hep cat!

Sick Puppy September 3, 2009 at 1:47 pm

Michael Steele. Larry David. Ever see them at the same time? Just sayin’.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 3, 2009 at 1:48 pm

[re=401900]Tommmcatt[/re]: Except Larry David’s less socially retarded.

Tommmcatt September 3, 2009 at 1:49 pm

[re=401921]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]:

And a great deal less apt to put his foot in his mouth.

Oldskool September 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

If that RNC thing doesn’t work out (and I think we can make that call already) he can become one of those evangelists who hops around the stage jabbering like an idiot.

Jim89048 September 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

[re=401878]Paterlanger[/re]: Or the GOP slightly less afraid of the browns, either way.

Extemporanus September 3, 2009 at 1:53 pm

[re=401883]dum librul[/re]: [re=401884]donner_froh[/re]: Day-amn, yo!

I’m giving the first round to donner_froh, and then throwing down with:

Yo mamma’s so dead, I wouldn’t even fuck her with that blogwhore Marmel’s corpse queef-causing crooked little pinky dick.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 3, 2009 at 1:55 pm

[re=401923]Tommmcatt[/re]: We will both be fools when he is revealed to be a minstrelized Bob Saget.

problemwithcaring September 3, 2009 at 1:55 pm

[re=401856]american mutt[/re]: Yes, but I still think Mitt Romney’s “who let the Dogs out” jive would have gotten a better reception. And I don’t care if anyone agrees with me!!

StoneAge September 3, 2009 at 1:57 pm

[re=401884]donner_froh[/re]: That was fucking genius! If this doesn’t win the afternoon I will drink vodka off Michael Steele’s anus.

problemwithcaring September 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm

[re=401933]Extemporanus[/re]: Yo mama so dead, Keith Olbermann wrote a passive aggressive blog post about Ken Layne.

bitchincamaro September 3, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Steele’s continued shilling for the putrefying corpse of the RNC is the price I will gladly pay for knowing that corpse ain’t rising any time soon.

Yo.

yellowdogdem September 3, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=401823]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Awesome! Can we get Jim Carrey to perform it?

yellowdogdem September 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

[re=401894]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: Alex Trebrek is way classier and even has a worthwhile job.

AnnieGetYourFun September 3, 2009 at 2:22 pm

[re=401946]problemwithcaring[/re]: Yo momma so dead, she can’t think outside the box on healthcare no mo’… because she in a box, you dig? A big box, like… it’s a coffin, is what it is.

I am the whitest motherfucker in this room.

Extemporanus September 3, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=401946]problemwithcaring[/re]: Yo momma so dead, Robert Novak just outed her.

[re=401985]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Yo momma so dead, she thinks health care is something you have to urn.

DustBowlBlues September 3, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=401793]The Toot[/re]: “(’shoes are not easy to walk in if you intend to be a trailblazer’)”

I was thinking of those long shoes that turn up at the end and have a bell on the toe–you know, court jester attire. He needs a harlequin vest to go with them. Really–the perfect couture for this dickwad.

DustBowlBlues September 3, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Oh, snaps. Who’s going to post a video of the wheelchair-bound lady being heckled by teabaggers at a town hall? At least no one bit her ankles.

DustBowlBlues September 3, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=401796]Marmel[/re]: That’s easy. I was cleaning up our B&B because I have paying guests for the weekend (where one of the little rodeo bitch queens had stayed for free) and it took fucking forever because evidently hairspray with glitter in it is the new arena style–okay, I digress but the ragweed has me virtually on my deathbed and I need to complain to someone about spending an hour on one room and bath, cleaning up fucking glitter–and my husband is tired of listening to me and also sick with maybe Pig AIDS–nah, no fever) and that sappy “The Story” was on the NPR station so I listened to AM hate radio. I got to hear some douche called Kneal Borz, or something, that I’ve heard of from some librul teevee person trashing him.

Wait–there is a point to this:

The reason for these fires: Environmentalists care more about fish and kangaroos than they do people, so the liberals are responsible for the fires happening, so they have to putt out the fires, which means the government, just a bunch of commies trying to take our freedoms after they get these librul fires out.

Cleared that up ‘fer ya.’ You’re welcome.

AnnieGetYourFun September 3, 2009 at 3:01 pm

[re=402000]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh, you are GOOD. I kneel down in awe, rather like Bachmann.

Scottie September 3, 2009 at 3:06 pm

The cats don’t bug ‘im cause they know bettah!

He a mean motor scooter and a bad go gettah!

problemwithcaring September 3, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=401985]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: And you are Sojourner Truth compared to Steele.

Quasi September 3, 2009 at 3:17 pm

That Boston Terrier is imbued with the spirit of Ted Kennedy, and is about to tear a muzzle full of stupid out of Michael’s buns o’ Steele.

eclecticbrotha September 3, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=401807]magic titty[/re]: Michael “Mister Dobalina” Steele.

Trigvhe from Texas September 3, 2009 at 3:21 pm

“Hi, I’m Michael Steele, I live in a shoe! That’s my dog Tie, he lives there, too!”

eclecticbrotha September 3, 2009 at 3:24 pm

“I’ll tell you what was interesting about the response I got from the media,” Steele said. “I think a lot of people, they went to a stereotype. Black and white. And it’s interesting, the responses, because what I was saying–I wasn’t talking about Republicans all of a sudden walking around with, you know, all the bling-bling.” Steele pantomimed an imaginary chain on his neck, and danced a small step.

Damn, Mikey. Even Stepin Fatchit is givin’ you the side-eye now.

eclecticbrotha September 3, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Hmmmm, a lot of wingnut sock puppetry the article’s comments. IO guess now we know why those Young Republicans were in the first two rows…

showmeonthedoll September 3, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=401876]WadISay[/re]: Ha!
“If I was in your shoes I’d be–”
“–Leaving!”

WickedWitch September 3, 2009 at 3:55 pm

What a first-class motherfucking douchebag. Can’t he just go away already????

Capricatony September 3, 2009 at 4:02 pm

I think he’s the best chair the GOP has ever had. I think he should be appointed for life.

binarian September 3, 2009 at 4:09 pm

I lost interest when I read he filled up the first 3 rows with Young Republicans and VIPs. If I was a Howard University student my first question would have been “HEY!! What the FUCK did you bring your troop of NeoCon assholes here for?”

heroinmule September 3, 2009 at 4:48 pm

It must have exciting for Steele to meet black people.

imissopus September 3, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Mistah Steele sho do shuck an’ jive real good.

Hey, ya know something else that helps the debate? Honesty about the proposed changes, rather than scary bullshit like “death panels” and shrieking about government takeovers and such. What a jackass.

Yo mama so dead, she think health care’s somethin’ only rich people get!

flyingspaghettimonster September 3, 2009 at 5:47 pm

i mourn the death of alt-text :-(

DarkSynergy September 3, 2009 at 6:44 pm

What does that even fucking mean?

McDuff September 3, 2009 at 7:07 pm

Were the white kids in the “reserved” seats all wearing brown shirts? Enquiring minds want to know!

thebeatgoeson September 3, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Does that picture of Michael Steele remind anyone else of the SNL skit where Eddie Murphy put on “white-face” and went around as a white man?! I swear he looks like he was made up to look black…

geminisunmars September 3, 2009 at 9:26 pm

[re=402330]thebeatgoeson[/re]: I’ve thought that about him too. Kinda reminds me of Gene Wilder in quasi-black face in that movie with Richard Pryor. Speaking of R Pryor, wouldn’t you just love to have his take on – everything.

[re=401797]memzilla[/re]: Michael Steele, CEO of Tone Def Recordz – this was a treat to read.

slinkimalinki September 3, 2009 at 10:11 pm

[re=401868]Extemporanus[/re]: yo mamma’s so dead ted kennedy just drowned her in the styx.

BMK September 3, 2009 at 11:09 pm

[re=401801]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Or any other HBCU in the South.

LoweredPeninsula September 3, 2009 at 11:24 pm

My blackness haz much sad, today. No one, I mean no one, can fuck your over better/worse than your own. No one. I mean, there is nothing Soulja Boy could do that could set us back more than an educated man impersonating someone like Soulja Boy. When an old white guy tries something like this, say like Buzz Aldrin, damnit, he’s trying. And we appreciate the effort. Steele has no excuse.

mightysea September 4, 2009 at 2:51 am

[re=402114]Capricatony[/re]: I agree; he’s way funnier than Howard Dean or anything.

I especially like how anachronistic and farcical his blackiness is — I think he will next start going ‘hey-hey-hey’ and ‘dynomiiiiiiite!’

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