sports desk

Some Pro Sports Performer Wants To Be Ted Kennedy

Level 4 TrollThe race to fill Ted Kennedy’s ample seat in the Senate is heating up like a corpse in the summer tide! (Sorry, Denby.) Curt Schilling, world champion quarterback for Boston’s “Mighty Ducks,” loves George W. Bush and jacking off in bloodstained sock, so he is qualified to be the Republican candidate. Schilling, heir to his family’s spice fortune, joins a crowded Republican field that includes former Lieutenant Governor Kerry Healey and pretty much nobody else.

Schilling’s main credential? He’s pretty fat! Given time, he could become as fat as the late Ted Kennedy, although there’s absolutely zero chance of Schilling becoming smart.

On the Democrat side, another Kennedy and some other people might run, who knows, it’s a long ways until January, when Massachusetts will have a special election to fill the seat. Meanwhile, maybe, Gov. Deval Patrick may be allowed to appoint somebody, even though that’s illegal, at least until the Dem-run Massachusetts legislature changes the law so that a Democrat can symbolically sign Ted Kennedy’s name on the death panel legislation after Obama makes it law. It will be awesome to have no more poor old white people! [WCVB TV]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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72 comments

  1. wordsmoker

    “loves George W. Bush and jacking off in bloodstained sock, so he is qualified to be the Republican candidate.” is the best thing I’ve read all day, and I’ve been reading some pretty good stuff.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    A bloody sock does not a senator make, Curt Shill.

    GOP Checklist
    Name Recognition: Most obnoxious member of an obnoxious team
    Political Experience: Union Rep for the most hated union in all of sports
    Foreign Experience: Pitching in Toronto and Montreal
    Military Experience: Owner of the company that bought the rights to Avalon Hill’s wargame Squad Leader and Advanced Squad Leader
    Knowledge of Policy: ????
    Knowledge of Anything Outside Beseboll: ????
    Ability to speak about anything: YES
    Friends of Tinted Persuasion: Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz

    Conclusion:
    Qualified Candidate. Since we know that baseball players NEVER whore around, we expect no surprise skeletons in his closet.

  3. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    If he brings back the mullet and appoints all his ’93 Phillies teammates to his staff— even the crazy ones, ahem, Darren Daulton— I will move to Mass and vote for this train wreck. Dykstra, Kruk, Williams, Hollins, Incaviglia— the fattest, surliest assemblage of degenerate rednecks ever, err, assembled. Go phils!

  4. Suds McKenzie

    Maybe this happens to people when they hear the Star Spangled Banner so many times. and

    ITS BIG POPI TIME

  5. Extemporanus

    [re=401254]wordsmoker[/re]: My only question is whether the sock was bloody before or after he jacked-off into it.

  6. Extemporanus

    [re=401277]Extemporanus[/re]: What tha?!

    My brilliant description (really, it was seriously amazing) has been hijacked into an ad hoc caption contest.

    Oh well, fuck Curt.

  7. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    [re=401281]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Darren Daulton for Drug Czar. ‘Why?’ you ask? Well, don’t take it from me, take it from the Horse(tranquilizer)’s mouth:

    “If I told you all the drugs that I’ve taken, Mike, you would open that up as a can of worms (laughing). I don’t feel that you or anyone else needs to know anything that I’ve ever done to respect me. No disrespect, that’s just the way I am. I feel if I told you all the drugs I’ve ever taken that would reflect on someone else. I can assure you there’s probably no one in any sport that has taken more drugs than I have and I think people still respect me. It’s not what goes in, it’s what comes out.”

    ~YOUR FUTURE DRUG CZAR DARREN “I SNORTED GROUND SEAHORSE” DAULTON

  8. Extemporanus

    [re=401264]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Knowledge of Anything Outside Beseboll: ????

    He was born in Anchorage, Alaska. Outside.

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    Gaghhh! I hate this guy.

    Could the Red Sox nation out there in communist New England be actually stupid enough to vote for this Republican tool? I think it might be close…

  10. Custersdeadhorse

    As a native Jayhawker I know this about Boston Nation–they love their politicians and their sports, but they never mix them. The poors wants their free monies that the Kennedys have given them every year for about 100 years. Fenway brings them a World Series win about once in a hundred years. Now, Big Papi could maybe win and maybe even beat that young Joe KennedyII. Teddy would approve!

  11. daveinboca

    Love Curt and his bloody sock. Better than RFK’s beans-for-brains drunk kid Joe, although Joe is a thrill-a-minute in the sack, Andy Sullivan claims. As a Cape Codder who winters in hanging-chad land, bloody socks and well-dressed demonstrators go hand in hand. I’ll vote for Curt just to p-o the Evil Empire fans who buy and sell us all.

  12. BklynIlluminati

    Maple Cheddar Douche Bag

    /NoMaas’d

    This would be hilarious of epic proportions pink hat nation would probably vote this fat loud mouth in a landslide and watch as he turns the state into redneck nation

    GO YANKS

  13. hobospacejunkie

    I lived in the jock dorm in college at a big baseball school, and later tutored jocks there. Baseball players are hands down the dumbest humans on the planet. They stopped paying attention in 3rd grade cuz someone told them they could play pro baseball. Yeah some go to college but only cuz they weren’t drafted high enough out of high school. They vote Republican only because they want low taxes. They know nothing about politics. Stay far from this bloated asshole.

  14. germansteel

    The Jim Bunning/Alzheimer Victim seat is going to be open soon and Schilling is the perfect replacement.

  15. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    But is he senile? That seems to be the leading criteria for former baseball stars to become a Republican Senator . Molesting Collies seems to be the criteria for the rest.

    [re=401300]Extemporanus[/re]: So he must be a Russia Policy Expert?

  16. hiphophitler

    For two generations after the Civil War the Republicans got elected every two years by “waving the bloody shirt,” a euphemism for pointing out that they had won the war. Perhaps Curt could reinstitute this practice by waving the bloody, cum-stained sock.

  17. doxastic

    True story: I was in Cambridge during the Red Sox’s World Series victory parade in 2004, and the streets were packed with Sox-loving assholes watching the Duck boat full of baseball players go down the Charles. Schilling, in the waning days of the presidential campaign, had loudly endorsed Bush and apparently my “John Edwards is Hot” t-shirt (which is now in hilariously bad taste) was the equivalent of anti-Sox incitement. A pot-bellied, beer-breathed yankee dipshit suddenly yelled over at me “Curt Schilling supports the president, why don’t you?” “Because I make less money than Schilling,” I shouted back and stomped away.

  18. Country Club Jihadi

    He is a born-again Christian, born in Alaska, and all of his kids have names that start with “G”.

  19. MortSinclair

    Ugh. I didn’t know that asshole was still living here. Thought we’d booted him back to some southern backwater where he can simultaneously read his bible and “organize” his sock drawer 24/7. I can’t stand that guy.

  20. MGBYG

    Hey Marge…

    Teers some black man in our white house, the economy iz in ta tank, we are losing two wars at the same time overseas there, and the costs of my medication keeps go-en up…

    Hmmm..

    We are votin for the baseball player.

  21. Monk4135

    I am a HUGE Red Sox fan, call me a Masshole if you like, it’s a badge of honor.

    But Curt Schilling running for Kennedy’s seat?! You’ve got to be shitting me. The guy’s a huge douche, end of story.

  22. Long Form Def Certificate

    Not even SuperMike will support this toad.

    Don’t embarass yourself, then, Schill. Just, don’t. & being Senator won’t compensate for not being an Hall of Famer, either.

    Go back to Warcraft.

  23. whenPUMAsattack

    He does play World of Warcraft though. Not sure how that sits with the “I’m so Christian I got spun up about harry potter” crowd.

  24. InsidiousTuna

    [re=401372]whenPUMAsattack[/re]: I know people who won’t let their 20-year-old kids see or read Harry Potter.

  25. IceCreamEmpress

    Schilling is not popular here, despite athletic skill and involvement in charities.

    I bet Mittens is kicking himself for having sold the Massachusetts house he never really lived in that much. Apparently, he only owns property in CA and NH at the moment, so I don’t even know where his legal residence is. HA HA MITTENS

  26. DustBowlBlues

    [re=401264]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “hated union in all of sports”

    As a proud member of a proud labor family and baseball fan, I take issue with the above. The Player’s Union is no fucking union, just a cabal of sports agents. When they start representing the interest of the minor league players, who get fucked over routinely, they can start calling themselves a union.

  27. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    [re=401380]InsidiousTuna[/re]: What kind of 20-year-olds listen to anything their parents have to say? Oh right, homeschoolers.

  28. Jumping Jim

    [re=401296]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: Daulton will not take the job. He is a firm believer that the world will end in 2012.

  29. Jumping Jim

    Oh yes, and this is one of the best…snark…days…ever.

    Senator Curt Schilling

    Dick Chaney – anything about Dick is good

    Vodka shooters in Assholistan

    And best of all… South Carolina shows its ass again for the millionth time since Secession.

    You can not make this stuff up! What a great country!!!

  30. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    [re=401413]Jumping Jim[/re]: That’s precisely why he has nothing to lose by accepting. Then, if we make the leap, he can be drug czar of Alpha Centauri IX and get SPACE high!

  31. DemmeFatale

    Sorry to be OT folks, but I just got back from a healthcare townhall with my Rep. here in Libtard, Northern CA.
    It was terrible.

    *sob*

    Please hold me, Wonkette.

  32. Jumping Jim

    [re=401360]doxastic[/re]: True Story. Charles Barkley goes home to Leeds, Alabama after his 6th year of pro ball. It had been written at that time that someday Charles wanted to run as a Republican for the office of Governor of Alabama.

    Charles mother said to him, indignently, “Charles, how can you be a Republican? Only rich people are Republicans!”

    Charles replied to his mother, “Mama, I AM rich.”

    Also why, no matter what he does, I will always like Charles Barkley.

  33. Buzz Feedback

    Once and always the biggest blowhard in sports. And one more reason to hate the Red Sox/Massholes/etc.

  34. Lascauxcaveman

    Well, since we got a sports thread going here, this Seattle Sounders fan has got something to say for the benefit of any DC United fans out there tonight:

    WHO wins trophies?

    *ahem* US Open Final score Sounders 2, DCU 1

    [/soccer nerd]

  35. LoweredPeninsula

    Isn’t Schilling like the more awful human being to ever grace the sport of baseball? And, that’d be saying a lot amongst the likes of Conseco, Bonds, Sheffield, etc…

  36. SwanSwanH

    I like it. Dick Lugar in the Crash Davis role.

    Schilling: “Why’s he always calling me ‘Meat?’”

  37. 4tehlulz

    [re=401473]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: Have we already forgotten about Pete Rose? Curt’s a douche, and I want him to run just to see him get owned, but Pete’s a scumbag who probably help put Bart Giammatti into the ground.

    Also Ty Cobb.

  38. McDuff

    [re=401444]Jumping Jim[/re]: Chris Rock did this rif on the difference between being rich and being wealthy. Chris noted that Shaq was rich, but the guy who signed Shaq’s check was WEALTHY. Charles’ mom should have replied, “Son, only wealthy people are Republicans, and you’re not wealthy.”

  39. mookworthjwilson

    [re=401444]Jumping Jim[/re]: Luckily Chuck has rethought that whole Republican thing…he probably didn’t like the official uniform of the Alabama GOP, you know, the white sheet, the hood…

  40. nbawriter

    I have dealt with Mr. Schilling on a personal basis, and anyone here who thinks you can judge his level of douchebaggery from outside the clubhouse, well, let me tell you something … multiply it by his waist size to the infinity power.

  41. DemmeFatale

    [re=401471]Bearbloke[/re]: Actually, Palo Alto, believe it or not! Thank God for the cheerful and colorful Raging Grannies singing about how they love Medicare.
    You don’t want to see this. Imagine bitter, anti-govt, haters with anger management issues. Hopefully, their blind rage and compulsory misspellings (CHEETERS, really?) will keep most of us from ever taking them seriously.

  42. binarian

    [re=401553]nbawriter[/re]: A lot of the big time sports people are arrogant assholes. This goes back in time a ways, but Apparently Mickey Mantle was a real fuckhead to the wait staff at 500 Blake Street in New Haven (high end resteraunt in CT) the last time he was there that the kitchen staff spit on and wiped the floor with his nice Porterhouse steak before cooking it and sending it out to him. And we all know what happened to him…

  43. nbawriter

    [re=401616]binarian[/re]: Schilling is in another realm. The only guy who can compete with him in the flaming asshole department is Mike Timlin.

  44. Aquannissiwamissoo

    Curt Schilling wrecked the 2004 World Series victory by telling everyone in Mass. they had patriotic duty to vote for George Bush. He could have just kept his stupid fucking mouth shut and let people enjoy the first win since 1918. But no … must always channel maximum douche baggery.

    Mass. is a Dem state anyways and Schilling is to the right of Palin.

    Ballot fail.

  45. bebergebberson

    [re=401616]binarian[/re]: Yes today that is true, but in the 50′s and 60′s that was mostly true about Yankee fux like the Mick.

    As for Schilling, wasn’t he a Nazi general in dubya dubya too? or the actor who played Rommel in Teh Longest-Ass Ever Day? you know he was – look at that german beer gut …

  46. LoweredPeninsula

    [re=401507]4tehlulz[/re]: Pete Rose really was terrible, but not nearly as terrible as he was made out to be. Ty Cobb, though…well, you may have a point. Schilling is just awful, though, just awful.

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