Wonkette
When you, the constituent, called your local congressperson and were subsequently put on hold sometime in the last three weeks, did you notice anything… offensive? Something syncopated? Something Satan might have on his iPod, in case an attractive woman were to ever browse through said iPod? This is called “jazz” and henceforth it is banned—BANNED—from Congress, definitely for right now, when people are actually calling their representatives, and maybe even forever.
This whole to-do was an experiment gone very, very wrong—much like jazz itself, hm??:
The House switched its on-hold telephone music back to patriot tunes Tuesday after a three-week experiment with smooth jazz and elevator music was judged to be offensive.
Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.) was so outraged that his constituents were subjected to more anodyne jazz selections that he wrote a letter to the office that oversees the music selection asking for the situation to be reversed.
“Callers routinely express their delight in listening to a few notes of Americana while briefly waiting for their call to go through,” Upton wrote in a letter to Chief Administrative Officer (CAO) Dan Beard on Friday. “We should proudly embrace our nation’s patriotic songs, not callously shun them for elevator music.”
Anyway, this program was canceled, due to its inherently offensive nature. The only remaining options are “patriotic tunes” or silence. This way, callers who choose the latter can think long and hard about why they did not choose the former.
[The Hill]
I think I’d rather have silence. Or, perhaps some disembodied voice giving me periodic tips on how to pray to Nobama and Nancy Pelosi while I slit my grandmother’s wrists on a certified death panel.
I’m gonna call and express my opinion about how offensive the patriotic tunes are…I want my Charles Mingus…or the sounds of cunnilingus…one of the two…
My country really is insane.
Poor jazz. No one likes it anymore, even though it is a true American original.
The new album from Miles Davis: Kind of (red, white and) Blue
i liked the option where they just played “We’re An American Band” by Grand Funk over and over and over….
“Callers routinely express their delight in listening to a few notes of Americana while briefly waiting for their call to go through.”
Absolutely true. My favorite song to wait to is “Keep us Safe We Love our Troops God Bless the USA Freedom isn’t Free 9/11.” In fact, just repeating the song’s title just now has caused me to be elected to Congress.
I think the hold music should be all Copland, all the time. First, because I love his music, and second, because nothing says “America” like a gay Jew who was blacklisted.
Should’ve been Cannibal Corpse. If it’s going to offend someone, it might as well do so completely.
Beeee Bopper! Dig that crazy Bopper name! That’s real, George. Gimme some skin.
How far away are we from The Great Loyalty Oath Crusade?
Further proof that the US needs it’s own version of turbo folk. Kind of a mishmash of John Tesh and John Philip Sousa.
I’m So Bored with the U.S.A. by The Clash would be more fitting.
Seriously, you guys have to listen to crappy high school band music while on hold? I’d almost rather have crappy high school band jazz. They need to update to whatever crap the kids in high school are actually listening to, so that parents can hang up in outrage rather than bothering congresscritters over the minutia of health care policy.
Yes, cause listening to that neeegrow jazz give the cranks who call Congress persons the urge to smoke weed and Jitterbug (the dance, not the shitty phone for olds) till 4am. Jazz leads to reefer madness!!!
TGY: When you try to call Chuck Grassley’s office, you hear “I snuck a retard into the sperm bank” by Anal Cunt.
I saw this on Hannity last night. I just shook my head.
Other choices like The Sounds of War and The Sounds of 911 would also bring delight and comfort to a true patriot.
“Ohhh, I like this part! (lady screams and the sound of the second tower collapsing) …aaahhhh! as if it was yesterday!!”
Henceforth, death metal.
Senate offices have the option of offering classical music, because the Senate is classy like that. And Senators get to pick their own hold music instead of having it centrally coordinated like they do for those plebes in the House.
I’m routinely annoyed by the David Sanborne-esque crap that I hear when on hold, but can still maintain enough focus to talk about what I wanted to say when I finally reach an actual human being instead of whining about the music.
I’d like to expose anyone dopish enough to complain about the on-hold tunes to a few minutes of Metal Machine Music so they could be sterilized over the phone. Then bill them for a medical procedure.
Are Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong unpatriotic then? What about Louis Moreau Gottschalk, Charles Ives and Aaron Copland? John Philip Souza perhaps? Fucking Philistines.
JohnnyMeatworth:
A friend invited me to a local bar in Minneapolis to see Mark Farner perform without the other Grand Funk Railroad members. It turned out the “bar” did not serve alcohol and Mark had changed all the lyrics to include Jesus. This is how I came to envision hell.
Did “Jazz” Sink The Great Ship???
When will Glen Beck have a show dedicated to the Czar that took away American music and replace it with the black man’s music?
“Callers routinely express their delight in listening to a few notes of Americana”. Americana? Does this mean they’re going back to playing bands like Son Volt and Whiskey Town?
Well, jazz is kind of like Congress. It’s wildly improvisational, makes no sense and, at the end, somebody gives you money.
Muzak is muzlin.
SmutBoffin: damnit…you stole my idea…A.C….how bout Deicide…or for our southern republicans, how bout rahowa, prussian blue and skrewdriver???
Did you know that One Toke Over the Line, Sweet Jesus was once performed on the Lawrence Welk show? (likely findable on the youtube). Now that would be a bipartisan solution.
How about Frankenchrist by The Dead Kennedys? Especially, the final track, Stars and Stripes of Corruption.
I thought Jazz was american? Oh wait, “black american”. that’s completely different.
but seriously, smooth jazz fucking sucks. gimmie free jazz any day.
“Briefly” — in this sentence, this single word shows the power of language. In this case, the power to condense bucketfuls of bullshit into a single word.
Them good ’ol boys was drinking whiskey ’an rye…
… the day the music died.
Hey Fred Upton - your favorite band sux!
Monsieur Grumpe: so the fine ladies were not out to meet the boys in band???
Daym, you’ve got to have quite a hate on for the Black folks if even the sounds of smooth jazz are offensive to thine pale pink ears. What’s more American than jazz? Should we just have a loop of a mic hooked up to an apple pie? A white apple pie?
I lurve me some three little jazz-pigs.
If there’s an americanized version of Bonzo Dog Bands’ “My Pink Half of The Drainpipe” available
I’d never call to complain.
Unless it’s Ted Nugent playing the National Anthem with his codpiece on the frets and his huntin’ bow pullin’ the strings, it ain’t ‘merkin. Period.
SayItWithWookies: Maybe a little John Phillip Sousa keeps those old folks awake while they’re on hold.
A. That pig jazz combo pic is THE BALLS. Still my favorite cartoon ever, x/c for maybe that frog who wouldn’t sing on stage.
B. If the right wing is all frothed up about on-hold music and is somehow twisting history to argue that JAZZ is unAmerican, then…then…(holds head in hands).
Jesus, people. It’s JAZZ. You know, Jazz? The most American of all music? It’s not like we’re listening to Edith Piaf. Or, god forbid, Nickelback.
I’m not saying jazz is great or anything, but it’s sho-nuff ‘Merkun.
The hippest cats say they like John Coltrane, or just say Trane and those in the know, know you know. Know wad I’m sayin?
Congressmen lie all the time, and I get that, but when on the stump or in a debate. How can you actually pen “Callers routinely express their delight in listening to a few notes of Americana while briefly waiting for their call to go through” and not have your head blow up from that?
How does that conversation even go?
Male GOP intern banging boss (Intern 1): Congressman Upton’s office.
Closeted Crank (CC): Im so angry that the government is taking over Medicare, let me speak to your boss.
Intern 1: Hold please
CC: Wow this is good music.
Intern 2: Hi how can I help you sir?
CC: That’s good music son, now let me tell you about Communism.
I was an intern once, I know how it goes.
How about “Let the Eagle Soar” performed by Maynard Ferguson?
There is no way Tip O’Neil would have tolerated Upton’s bullshit. Upton would have been swiftly reminded that he’s in the minority and told to STFU, while having his office relocated to a basement broom closet.
Pelosi– get your fucking house in order and teach these minority pukes what’s what.
Kenny G is both muslin and a terrist.
Lascauxcaveman:
I know when I hear a Kenny G “song” I feel terrer.
considering our government’s current socialist direction shouldn’t it be like, billy bragg on repeat or some shit?
Next sign language will be banned: too much like jazz hands.
Spiro Agnew: How miserable and pathetic would their lives be if there was more than one person ever who said anything about the music listened to while on hold?
Well, smooth jazz is brutal.
As for actual jazz, well, I think I’m going to listen to some Mingus right now, so fuck you, Real America.
Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music
How about Zappa’s Heavenly Bank Account?
Fred Upton-
SW Michigan’s do-nothing, douche-bag. born-with-a-silver-spoon (freshly cleaned in one of his grandfather’s dishwashers) in-his-mouth Congressman.
Maybe Rep. Upton can figure out a way to send us some Freedom Fries through the tubez to munch on while we’re waiting.
Lorax: That pig jazz combo pic is THE BALLS. Still my favorite cartoon ever, x/c for maybe that frog who wouldn’t sing on stage.
Upton didn’t go to heaven,
Was the other place
How about playing that “Barack the Magic Negro” song? If it offends anyone, it’s because they can’t take a joke.
Ein Volk! Ein Reich! Ein Musik!
What could be more appropriate “hold on fer just a goddamn minute” music than the crossroads-given genius of Robert Johnson? For example.
Zorg: Irving Berlin Uber Alles?
REAL Jazz IS Americana.
“Smooth jazz” is bile soaked - watered down - formula concocted by record company weasels. Muzak with a beat.
Did they have to call it jazz?
“American Idiot” is pretty rousing.
Roger the Shrubber: Shemp Howard fans everywhere salute you.
The screen cap is from The Three Little Bops, of course.
I vote “White America” because Eminem is basically the American Dream.
How about Hedrix star spangled banner ,oh wait ,art by dead european black men is so passe.
Cool operator… (of the phone network).
The GOP really wanted only ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’ as hold music but they’ll settle for ‘God Bless America.’
They should have used some crazy-ass Eric Dolphy tune or something. REALLY freak some MFers out.
natteringnabomb: seattle’s in europe?
I take it smooth jazz is not the same as cool jazz. Much cool jazz heard is by transplanted east coast white boys like Lee Konitz and Stan Getz, in other words, communist sympathizers.
There must be room for compromise. How about John Phillip Sousa as interpreted by Maynard Ferguson?
Wait, so one of the the only uniquely American genres of music isn’t “Americana”? Fuck you, Fred Upton, and the and the illegal, leprosied Mexican poolboy you rode in on.
This is really kind of weird as Upton is supposed to be one of the more ‘moderate’ faces in the party (i.e. supports stem cell research, gun control, etc…). Here it turns out he’s a Yankee Doodle Republican. This guy is just two districts over from me and he’s known for being extremely level-headed (read: boring as opposed to a fire-breather) and amiable. If he got this mad, he must be getting old.
Well, you can’t expect much more from POLITICIANS, whose views on music trace back to that proud admission of tone-deafness by Ulysses S. Grant: “I only know two songs — one of them’s ‘Yankee Doodle’ and the other one isn’t.” As for that flahooley about “Callers routinely express their delight,” Americans are not, in general known for their taste or discernment in music. How else to explain the success of the musical version of “The Producers”? One might say of Americans, as Sir Thomas Beecham said of the English, that they “don’t like music, but they adore the noise it makes.” In sum, there’s something inherently suspicious to the Republican mind about anyone who’s grooving on anything other than “God Bless America.” I say it’s Irving Berlin, and I say the hell with it.
JooJoo Bee: Jawohl, JudeJude Biene!