The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes.

Poop, that is!

The independent Project on Goverment Oversight (POGO!) released a report yesterday detailing the curious behaviors of private security guards from the company [sigh] “ArmorGroup North America” tasked with protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, which is kind of an important building these days. POGO immediately sent this report to the State Department with a note saying, hey Hillary Clinton, just fyi, you should know that those people you’re paying $180 million to guard your most important building in America’s newest most important war zone are psychotic naked rapey retarded poop-eaters:

The report highlighted occasions when guards brought women believed to be prostitutes into Camp Sullivan and videotaped themselves drinking and partially undressed.


In one incident in May, the report says, more than a dozen guards took weapons, night vision goggles and other key equipment and engaged in an unauthorized “cowboy” mission in Kabul, leaving the embassy “largely night blind,” POGO wrote in the letter to Clinton. The guards dressed in Afghan tunics and scarves in violation of contract rules, and hid in abandoned buildings in a reconnaissance mission that was not part of their training or duties. Later, two heads of the guard force, Werner Ilic and Jimmy Lemon, issued a “letter of recognition” praising the men for “conspicuous intrepidity” with the State Department logo on the letterhead.


The report said supervisors held near-weekly parties in which they urinated on themselves and others, drank vodka poured off each other’s exposed buttocks, fondled and kissed one another and gallivanted around virtually nude. Photos and video of the escapades were released with the POGO investigation.

(Ha ha, the Washington Post writer used the word “gallivanted” in this context.)

Gawker has many more vulgar photos of these fat ugly retarded rapey naked gun-stealing vigilante poop-ivore zombie demon fucks whom your government pays $180 million to guard its embassy in Afghanistan, where the U.S. seeks to win the hearts and minds of a population by showing off inspirational examples of the sort of personal self-enlightenment that can only blossom in Western-style capitalist democracies, etc.

Report Details Misbehavior by Kabul Embassy Guards [WP]
Our Embassy in Afghanistan Is Guarded by Sexually Confused Frat Boys [Gawker]

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  1. In 2009 a crack (ass) security team was sent to Afghanistan by a bitter oldz lady to piss in each other anuses and other homoerotic activities. These photos and allegations promptly escaped from a maximum corporate bureaucratic lockdown to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still inexplicably kept on by the government, they still work as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you want to make it worse, maybe you can hire Whacka-nutt.

  2. I was so hoping when President Obama was elected that I would be getting more tail than fundamentalist pornographers and psychopathic gun-toting neanderthals. This is not the change I was hoping for.

  3. Wow — talk about a christian fundamentalist dilemma: On the one hand, they are the vanguard of our crusade to christianize the heathen godless muslins (allah doesn’t count); on the other hand, they regularly engage in (simulated?) gay sex.

  4. The more I think about it, isn’t this exactly what our greatest generation did across Europe pushing those Nazi bastards back to Berlin? USA! USA!

  5. [re=400838]the problem child[/re]: Looks like the antics of my first year in Uni – except we knew not to take any bloody pix of the scene…

    [re=400848]bureaucrap[/re]: Onward Christian soldiers?….

  6. Drinking vodka out of each others anuses? Who even thinks of shit like that? And why can’t I type “anuses” without giggling? Is it “ani” plural?

  7. OK, I can’t even top this Shaudenfreude from gay progressive blogger John Aravosis:

    I’ve seen the photos, and I’m going to take a contrary point of view on this. From what I’ve seen in the pictures at least, I’m not too upset. Providing security in Afghanistan, of all places, has got to be a nasty job, so I’m willing to cut some slack in how these guys get their jollies during their time off. The photos, in my view, prove absolutely nothing – they’re hardly Abu Ghraib. The other allegations alleged, perhaps. But we need to see the evidence – these photos, in my view, don’t constitute evidence of much other than some of the guys being damn hot.


  8. Is there anything more disappointing than when “women beloved to be prostitutes” turn out not to be prostitutes?

    Oh yeah, when “prostitutes believe to be women” turn out to be not so.

    Never mind!

  9. If this latest photo essay can’t convince any waffling Mujahideen that America has their
    backward country’s best interest at heart then they don’t deserve any Vodka Parties.

  10. Uhhhh…John Aravosis… you need to get out more. Most of these boys are pretty skanky. The boy getting “bottomed” in the top pic is the only one that is not totally repulsive.

  11. Gross! I wouldn’t drink vodka out of any of these guys’ anuses. Well … maybe the hot one on his hands and knees. But only if it was top-shelf vodka. I’m not cheap, for god’s sake.

  12. I really don’t understand the advantage of drinking shit-flavored vodka. Sure they weren’t just trying to clean their asses and didn’t have any soap and water?

  13. From POLITICO, we get this galivanting sentence:

    An e-mail from one of the guards described parties on days off, during which guards and their supervisors urinated on themselves and others and ate potato chips and drank vodka from the cracks of buttocks.

    Is “from the cracks of buttucks” the new “from the mouths of babes”?

  14. Okay, so now those wonderful Rethugs who gave you the nation-stalling brou-ha-ha (ha ha!) over Bill Clinton not having sex with that woman are going to sorta shrug over this and say, “boys will be boys” or DO boys, or whatever. What I wanna know is does Hillary have the balls to demand a probe…er…special investigation? I KNOW Obama does, but really, he’s got healthier things on his mind right now.

  15. You people are obviously not from South Carolina; otherwise you would have clearly recognized that these gentlemen are just playing a simple game of “Find the ‘Man of the Year’ Statue.”

  16. [re=400903]proudgrampa[/re]: Hey – you’re back! I thought Herr Comrade NObama’s Voodoo-powered IndoKenyan Death Panels had come for you.. how ever did you escape?

  17. So, ummm. WACKENHUT Services is the parent company of these contractors, so ..umm. just saying, lots of opportunity guys, with this piece of info…

  18. Yeah, I’m always shocked to find out that consenting adults are engaging in unusual sexual practices too. It’s not only immoral, it’s also illegal and should therefore be halted forthwith. Senator Coburn and Peggy Noonan will be issuing similar statements momentarily.

  19. I’m not offended, I’m from Baltimore.

    “Drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes.” Big friggin’ deal. You never been to a Baltimore weddin’?

  20. In order to help rebuild a Muslin country and win their hearts and minds, we send them…
    homosexuals and alcohol?
    What, couldn’t find a way to cram some pork in there, also?
    Wuddaisey?! Wuddaisey?!

  21. This from FOX:
    “Nearly two-thirds of the embassy guards are Gurkhas from Nepal and northern India who don’t speak adequate English”

    So it’s all OK! Just part of those Gurkhas customs, nothing to do with our boys…

  22. [re=400885]bureaucrap[/re]:

    Right? And I’m reserving judgment on the bitch boy, there. A nice ass goes a long way, but not if he has a face like Ernest Borgnine.

  23. On the bright side, they are doing this to themselves instead of some poor shlubby villager picked up on a terrorist sweep and held in captivity

  24. So henceforth we will call vodka sipped from a man-sluice a “Khyber Pass.”

    Running around with no pants on all day long dropping vodka-infused dirt nodules must be how they keep their lawn so green in that harsh desert climate.

  25. It was just training. Those guys were just teaching the new guys:
    “THis is my rifle! This is my gun. This one’s for fighting!!! This one’s for FUN!”

  26. [re=400963]yargisbargis[/re]: Unless they’ve relocated Nepal and Norther India to Appalachia, in which case whose residents don’t speak adequate English anyway.

  27. The Aristocrats!

    Seriously, I know they blacked out the eyes, but somebody, somewhere, has got to recognize those guys from numerous identifying features. If the journalists of America do their job, those boys are in fore some serious public humiliation.

  28. Are those inflatable kiddie pools in the background? And folding camp chairs? A hose going into the pool? Where’s the damn Slip-N-Slide for god’s sake? The sprinkler to frolic through? Perhaps a captive-insurgent-built treehouse? These dudes are having way too much fun in the sun. I don’t begrudge anyone a little time off, but who’s the idiot who brought the camera, son.

  29. [re=400932]Bearbloke[/re]: Well, it was a close call!

    Actually, I’ve been off-line for a while on a “search for meaning” (read: looking for a freaking job).

    But it’s nice to be seen. Thanks, Bearbloke.

  30. Hey, who is REALLY surprised. These guys are George W. Bush stamped and approved. The TANG skinny is that the former pres had a thing for salsa, pounded then squirted. And as far as the contractor employees, what better mix could anyone want for jobs that require lying and secrecy. If folks don’t get the tale from these pictures, there is absolutely no hope of recovery for our image. Americans, a bunch of gun tote’n, butt fucking, yellow shower, ass hole kissing jack-offs. I guess the tag line for the muman resource guy is, Like Caligula, The U.S. is looking for and will deploy a few cute guys, toot toot, here come da night train.

  31. Okay, new rule: If you do anything that would violate the moral turpitude clause of the Miss America Pageant you do not get to work for the U.S. government, you do not get guns and night-vision equipment, and you do not get hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayer money. You have to go back to your fucking trailer park and continue to get drunk and have sex with your relatives just like the failed beauty pageant contestants do.

  32. Photo caption error. “Myrtle Beach. South Carolina Young Republican Retreat.”

    These guys spend all their time in the Wackenhut. It’s like the Wackenhut on C Street.

  33. In Republican circles that’s called “the changing of the guard”.

    It’s preceded by an “N” gun salute, N being the number of Republican male staffers you can fit into a hot tub without their losing their grip on their Appletinis, so to speak.

    One more thing: the picture is why we need a decent vaccine for Hep-B.

  34. The lesson of Abu Ghraib was that the guards can’t abuse, frighten and humiliate the prisoners. Nobody ever said they couldn’t do all that stuff to themselves.

  35. Butt-f*cking, mission losing stupidity aside. Doesn’t the military brass and the administration realize that handing so much money and power to such craptastic organizations is exactly how domestic coups happen, at worst. Or a Mexican level of organized crime, at best, when these yahoos return home?

    Jesus Crisps on a pecker-shaped popsicle stick. We are soooo fuxt.

  36. I would dip my chip in that guy standing up at a moment’s notice, foreals. Good to see they’re bringing watersports, as well as democracy, to impoverished nations.

  37. [re=401041]user-of-owls[/re]:
    If Eric Holder directed an investigation of these manly practices, that would effect morale at Blackwater and our national security and would have to be deemed politically motivated.
    — Dick Cheney

  38. Holy shit. They sound like some pretty extreme evangelicals. Probably Promise Keepers too. That starchy report is cool enough, I wonder what was REALLY happening? Someone’s chance to be Joseph Conrad!

  39. [re=400987]Gopherit[/re]: I’ll second that. This screams frat jollies and long-term hazing. Blackwater employees were keeping child sex slaves in the Baltics. All girls. Presumably they could have had boys if they wanted ’em. No like anyone cared, clearly.

    Not teh ghey, just the scum of the earth.

  40. This from FOX:
    “Nearly two-thirds of the embassy guards are Gurkhas from Nepal and northern India who don’t speak adequate English”

    The boys enjoying the man sandiwch and ass-flavored Vodka are good ol’ muricans. The Gurkas are taking the pictures and wondering how much they will fetch on the open market.

  41. I see that this topic has really brought out all the refined and hilarious sensibilities of Wonketters, which I’m profoundly enjoying, but the weekly prize for “conspicuous intrepidity” goes to:[re=400854]Cape Clod[/re]:

    ( and [re=400876]Crank Tango[/re]: isn’t it a little too early in the Labor Day weekend to already be this hammered?”)

  42. What in the wild wild sports is goin’ on around around here?! Ya’ll are up here to get a little embassy guarded; I come up here and ya’ll are jumping around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

  43. [re=401039]S.Luggo[/re]: Actually, there is a widely available vaccine for Hepatitis B (I used to work for the company that developed it and got the series), but, yeah, I know what you mean.

  44. [re=400875]eclecticbrotha[/re]: I’m waiting to hear how Andrew Sullivan will weigh in on these shenanigans at Camp Sulliva-…


    Never mind.

  45. This looks to me like a demonstration of the GOP health reform plan in action. If the GOP health reform plan passes we will all have to eat poop. I could slit my wrists to avoid this.

  46. [re=400970]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Yeah. From this we have a clearer picture of what our shinny goodwill ambassadors have been doing to the schlubby Afghan goatherds they capture and “interrogated”.

  47. Call him Johnny. He has access to the intertubes. He sees pictures of mercenary parties. Now he knows that when he’s hired for Blackwater, he may be investigated by the Department of State for drinking and eating from others’ asses. Knowing how his extracurricular activities will be on the tubes, he may never apply for a job at Blackwater.

    Should we accept this behavior? Should we embrace it? Some will say it’s gay. Some will say it’s unhygenic. I don’t have any answers.

    The issue here is not the mercenary parties. The issue is the issue.

    Drinking vodka from your colleagues’ asses is disgusting. But so is Taliban bombing our embassy.

  48. So instead of trained, disciplined Marines we’re using frat guys who couldn’t get hired anywhere else to protect our embassy? I think there are some things the government can do better.

  49. Any bets on how the rightwingnuts will take these pictures as proof that Obama has turned our proud military men into a bunch of vodka tinged rim artists?

  50. Should have hired female security guards. Not much scandal involved in quilt offs or scrap booking. There is a possibility of females dancing semi clothed to Brittney Spears or Madonna though, but most would not find that objectionable…security guards gone wild…Burka strip tease?

  51. [re=401313]on2u[/re]: dancing semi clothed to Brittney Spears or Madonna…

    You never have actually seen a “Girls Gone Wild” video, have you?

  52. [re=401313]on2u[/re]: Wasn’t the first Abu-Ghraib guard to be tried a woman (Lindy Englund or something)? It’s not a gender problem. It’s a too-stupid-to-function problem.

  53. [re=401196]geminisunmars[/re]: Scrotch on the rocks. It’s what’s for breakfast.

    [re=401341]on2u[/re]: I, for one, really don’t care [i]what[/i] you’re talking about.

  54. Now they’re saying that these drunken orgies are a result of being “overworked.” Don’t laugh, drunken, homo-erotic orgies are quite common among the overworked. All those poor drones heading home on the subway every night actually do the same thing.

  55. The marketing opportunities are endless. Shot of Brown Goose, anyone? How about a “Tainted Love” or a “Skid Row Special”? Some Chateau Grundle ’69? No? A “Mideast Mudslide”, then.

  56. Let’s forget about vodka and buttholes for a moment. These individuals abandoned their fucking posts en masse in the middle of the night, raided the armory, got geared up cap-a-pie in $150,000 of hardware apiece, dressed up in local costume, wandered into the host city…

    …if you think for a moment they didn’t bag their limit and come back with empty magazines, I got a bridge to sell you…

    …then reversed the process, put the stolen gear back, returned to their positions and later on, told each other “cowboy” stories about it. Humorous ones. And nobody nailed them into a crate with a gas mask of O2 and knock-out gas strapped to their heads and “recalled them home for consultations,” like the Soviets used to do in similar circumstances.

    At what point in this lurching undead abortion do we start SHOOTING WAR CRIMINALS ON LIVE TELEVISION? Never. That’s clearly established. Okay, so anyway, these two guys are drinking vodka out of each other’s asses, and the first guy says…

  57. Kinda shoots the whole deniability thing. Think about it – “Did you commit (whatever egregious offense)?” “No.” “Oh, you didn’t do that, but you have no problem with drinking shots out of another man’s butthole? Ha!”

  58. [re=401306]rocktonsammy[/re]: That would be Larry Craig the Cable Guy, no?

    How does this get started? A bunch of bored men sitting around drinking and talking and someone says “Hey, I know! Let’s take vodka shots out of each others’ butt cracks!!” If so, why is it not more popular at frat parties?
    Or maybe it is.

  59. Butt cracks are notoriously poor receptacles for potable liquids. But right around the other side nature has equipped man with a fluid emitter of nearly perfect design.

  60. Long live the butthole quaffers! True Christian patriots! They uphold the kinkish ~s*E*x*Y*t*I*m*E~ in defiance of the Muslin, who will will not deepthroat the pork whilst doing drunken sexydance!

  61. [re=401454]Marlowe[/re]: “This nearly ruined dinner for me.”

    Yank butt-slurping made today’s morning papers down here, pushing fears of a tsunami from yesterday’s Java Quake off the front pages, which in turn pushed off reminiscences of the start of the 2nd All-Earth General War and the participation of the British Empire’s ‘provincial elements'(us ‘colonials’)in His Majesty’s Royal Navy (until recent years, the UK Royal Navy was a still big deal in these distant parts…)

    Those who weren’t disgusted by the Guards antics had a big laugh, and some in my office are still tittering about it, waiting for the next turd shoe to drop… of course I saw it here last night, so I merely enjoyed the gasps and chuckles of others… perhaps this is part of the reason we love the States, ‘tho some ’round here will never say that aloud…

  62. God, what’s with all of the douchebag tattoos? They look like the fucking plague. Man, these are the times I’m glad I’m not white. At least when my sorry-assed peer group are being douchebags, it’s in the act of doing something serious/meaningful.

    BTW, the funniest thing was Mother Jones blocking out a guy’s bicep in one of the pictures. Bwahaha!!!

  63. Foggot Americans:)
    Guess how many pro American Afghans will start hating America and her presence in Afghanistan and how much support and sympathy Taliban will gain? America itself is a stupid jiant who feeds Taliban propaganda machine.I think Americans are the most stupid and brainless people on the face of earth. The reason why America is America,is beacuse its run by brainy and intelligent Jews, if Jews weren’t there America would have collapsed like USSR.

  64. [re=401492]Mujahideen[/re]: A hit and a miss in the snark department, if that was intended as snark. I honestly can’t tell. You don’t strike me as an English-as-a-first-language individual…

  65. words cannot express…

    On the bright side though their families will be able to recognize their loved ones on the front page of the papers by their tatts. How proud the wives, parents and children will be!

  66. [re=401124]One Yield Regular[/re]: A bit of a mea culpa is in order because I used the word Schadenfreude improperly. It wasn’t Aravosis’ misfortune I was laughing at, it was his indifference to what was being discussed. I also misspelled the word, so I guess that makes me a Suredamnfraude. Also.

  67. [re=400970]Hooray For Anything[/re]: If this is what they do to themselves for fun, what they’re doing to the people of Afghanistan is hell on earth.
    Murka number one!

  68. Can’t believe you actually wrote this….

    who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market.

    This is not how people living with mental retardation act so you should use the word retarded here. Lowlife pigs might work, but not retarded.

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