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WAGG THE BOG

Henry Paulson Has A Protein Spill, And Say Goodbye To Snail Mail

Personality Parade!Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, the obvious exception being KENNY G’S “The Moment,” since that was the Mujahideen’s theme song. But if Nancy is so in love with the TALIBAN, why has she trimmed her beard? Curious gossip mongers want to know …

OVERRIPE GOSSIP FRUIT: In February 2008, Goldman Sachs Playmate of the Year HENRY PAULSON was chatting amiably with some sod from Vanity Fair, when, suddenly feeling the terrible consequences of an unregulated diet, he rushed to the bathroom and bailed out his lunch, again and again and again. And what about the American taxpayer, Mr. Paulson? When will you RALPH up something for them? …

THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE is going out of business! Take advantage of the huge discounts on stamps, bubble wrap, and PASSPORT PHOTOS! Everything must go! And yes, this means it could take up to five weeks to receive the generic VALIUM you mail-ordered from the PHILIPPINES. Just more proof the government can’t handle health care.

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com


2:41 PM on Wed September 2 2009
By Riley Waggaman
3275 Views

  1. Lascauxcaveman says at 2:46 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    All my generic V1@gra comes via camel train, direct from the Yucatan.

    So suck it, US Postal Service.

  2. Scruffy_The_Janitor says at 2:49 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    my pocket Constitution specifically says “Thou shall not play Kenny G…”

  3. dum librul says at 2:51 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Newell is going to yell at you for the overlap, Personality Parade.

  4. Come here a minute says at 2:55 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    It happens constantly — Wonkette is just humming along like a well oiled machine, when along comes the WHIPPERSNAPPER, young Riley, and next thing you know we’re in PINHEAD land.

  5. Can I really get generic valium from the phillipines?

  6. Carrie_Okie says at 2:59 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Pelosi “trimming her beard” is WonkSpeak for:
    A) Ewww Grosss!!!
    B) Coded speech for drowning Teddy in Chappaquidick (too soon?)
    3) Wait, she’s divorcing Paul and coming out?
    š) WTF? Something to do with Wackenhut, chips and vodkapoop dip.
    ╔) All of the above

  7. proudgrampa says at 3:00 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Ol’ Hank was finally gettin’ his evil spirits exorcised, I think.

    I still believe that all he did was protect his Goldman Sachs buddies… He’s a slimeball.

  8. slappypaddy says at 3:00 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    if i can’t hear the sweet lilting strains of a sousaphone playing “street hassle”, what’s the point in calling my congressman?

  9. Scruffy_The_Janitor:
    Thou shall not play Kenny G or Michael Bolton and thou shall not covet Fabio. Fixed.

  10. TheNavOne says at 3:06 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Apple Pie isn’t patriotic enough anymore. It’s AMERICAN PIE OR DEATH!

  11. Monsieur Grumpe says at 3:07 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Servo:
    At last, a religion that makes sense.

    I say we reinstate the draft, draft Kenny Gee, send him to Somalia with an unloaded BB gun and then end the draft.

  12. Since check kiting is the principal way I balance my monthly budget, I would really hate to lose the PO.

  13. Real easy way to save the USPS: let merchants charge more for credit card transactions to cover transaction fees. Suddenly, paying by mail will be cheaper than paying by internet!

  14. There just doesn’t seem to be a John Philip Sousa tune that is sedentary enough for Capital Hill.

  15. DangerousLiberal says at 3:46 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Shit,no Saturday mail? Then how will my teenage kids get whacking material, like the “foundations” sale ads from Macy’s? Or my SI Swimsuit Issue (that’s *mine* you damn kids).

  16. user-of-owls says at 3:47 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    TheNavOne: We don’t make apples anymore, they all come from China. Like our flags, fireworks and finances.

  17. I’d forgotten all about Kenny G until today. BASTARDS!!!

  18. gjdodger says at 3:57 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    You guys keep teasing me. First it was the Nancy Pelosi striptease video that really wasn’t, and now this merkin thing. Next you’ll be impersonating deposed Oil Ministers of Nigeria.

  19. TheNavOne says at 4:03 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    user-of-owls: I actually ate an apple from Mexico the other day. I wonder if an American picked it?

  20. drrty martini says at 4:04 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    I hope Air-Grams are safe! That’s how Grassley communicates to me (I’m 2 OLD 4 TWEETZ).

  21. I heard they were keeping package mail but rebranding it EssCargo.

  22. Humpback says at 4:10 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    I like to have my phone calls get put on hold, so I can record the music. I figure that’s not really copyright piracy. (Though I do admit it is a felony to wiretap the calls, oh well.)

  23. the problem child says at 5:48 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    Quasi: Win! (For the multilingual punniness of it.)

  24. privatejoker says at 9:26 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    wait! who’s going to handle my free shipping on amazon orders?!

  25. mylesfromnowhere says at 10:37 pm, September 2nd, 2009

    GET TEH GOVERNMENT OUT OF MY POST OFFICE!!!!

  26. LoweredPeninsula says at 3:36 am, September 3rd, 2009

    Wait, isn’t “Caliph of the House” redundant. Regardless, it sounds like a new show they’d put on the CW or the CBC.

  27. Average Citizen says at 6:37 am, September 3rd, 2009

    Nancy’s not in charge of anything. Six guys in the Senate are in charge.

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