EMAIL OF THE DAY  6:43 pm September 1, 2009

‘This might be a little esoteric for Wonkette – but I hope you’ll humor me for a minute.’

by Jim Newell

Most of the publicity pitches your Wonkette receives during the workday are for relatively innocuous, easygoing things. “Hey Wonkette me & my buddy Dave just made a hilarious video in our dorm room that your readers would love,” the average one reads. “We dress up in saran wrap & overalls and smash a model town of Sarah Palin Lego pieces with vibrators. Thank you for your consideration.” Today, however, we received a considerably more horrifying and evil pitch from the murky depths of the military-industrial complex. Does a global communications executive from GE seriously think that Wonkette will help his company gin up support for a multi-billion dollar defense contract to build F136 alternate engines for a new fleet of Lockheed Martin F-35 warplanes of death??

Defense reform & GE

from [REDACTED] (GE, Corporate)
to ken@wonkette.com,
tips@wonkette.com
date Tue, Sep 1, 2009 at 3:01 PM
subject Defense reform & GE

Ken:

My name is [REDACTED], and I work in communications here at GE. As Congress prepares to return to Washington, I wanted to highlight the big story that may not make the headlines thanks to the intense interest in healthcare reform: the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter. This might be a little esoteric for Wonkette – but I hope you’ll humor me for a minute.

We recently published our position in two recent articles from GE Reports . For 14 years Congress has supported the development of the GE-led “F136″ competitive engine because it was considered vitally important to the success of the Joint Strike Fighter and will help preserve competition on the largest weapons procurement program in history.

Last week Lt. General Michael A. Hough, USMC (Retired) – who was Director / Deputy Director of the Joint Strike Fighter Program from 1997-2001 – called for engine competition for the Joint Strike Fighter program. Lt. General Hough also chose to publically debunk the misconception/misstatement that there was ever a competition between Pratt & Whitney’s engine and the one being made by the GE-Rolls Royce team – and that P&W won. This has been a cornerstone of Pratt & Whitney’s (P&W) aggressive lobbying and advertising efforts.

P&W, the developer of the F135 engine, maintains that America does not need a competing Joint Strike Fighter engine… of course they would – they currently sit on a 30-year, $100 billion engine monopoly under a “cost-plus” contract. At this writing, the House Armed Services Committee has reported that the P&W F135 development since 2002 is already $1.9 billion beyond plan.

At this rate, it is projected to reach $12.7 billion in total contract overruns. This could take more than 100 aircraft out of the program. Meanwhile, the GE-led program has continued to stay on budget. We think that competition is not only good for the military and the Joint Strike Fighter engine program, but also for the American taxpayers. History proved with the F-16 and the USAF’s Alternate Fighter Engine program, competition improves engine reliability, cost, and maintainability. It also saves taxpayer dollars. More information on the case for competition is available at GE Aviation.

If you’re interested in the issue, I’d be happy to brief you on the Joint Strike Fighter and the F136 competitive engine, provide you with some additional information, and answer any questions you may have. Let me know if there is a date/time that works for you, and I’ll make myself available. If this doesn’t interest you, there is another story line that just might… http://tinyurl.com/knsu68

Best,
XXXX

GE Technology Infrastructure
[FANCY JOB TITLE], Global Communications

…Anyone else need a cold shower?

Here’s an even better idea than setting up a two-way corporate market for F-35 engines, and it too “saves taxpayer dollars”: don’t build any of this stupid shit! Instead of building 3,000 of these things — fancy airplanes, for fuck’s sake! — build zero, and save… $300 billion!

NO. WE NEED A COMPETITIVE MARKET SOLUTION TO THE WAR ENGINES. THAT IS FINAL.

 
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{ 132 comments }

chascates September 1, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Ken, hold out for a ride in one of them suckers!

Terry September 1, 2009 at 6:50 pm

May we please see the video with the saran wrap, overalls, Lego Sarah Palin, and the vibrators?

Jim Newell September 1, 2009 at 6:50 pm

[re=400196]Terry[/re]: Yes. You have to make it first!

Oldskool September 1, 2009 at 6:53 pm

You guys should at least finagle a plane ride out of it. Think, “What would Colbert do.”

Trot Nixon' September 1, 2009 at 6:53 pm

You clearly need to say yes, you would like to be briefed.

memzilla September 1, 2009 at 6:54 pm

Here’s some deep background on GE (a/k/a “The Meatball,” after its logo) and aircraft engines.

I recently scanned my original Birf Certificate into PDF, in case I should ever be accused of Kenyan-Hawaiian heritage. I noted that my Dad’s occupation was listed as “Engineer, Aircraft Nuclear Propulsion.” He worked for GE on the original B-1 Nuclear *Powered* Bomber, which General Curtis “Bomb ‘Em Back To The Stone Age” LeMay got $5 billion Eisenhower-era dollars to build.

It never made it past the prototype stage, thank G-d.

See, at the time, the thinking was that ICBMs weren’t reliable and IRBMs didn’t have the range ‘cuz they couldn’t be based close enough to the CCCP, so we needed a way to throw megatons at the Russkies that was reliable.

The idea was to have a fleet of atomic bombs constantly flying around so the Commies couldn’t catch us with a first strike and wipe out our airfields and bombers.

So a jet aircraft powered by a nuclear reactor — which, just like a submarine power plant, was used to boil water so, technically, it was a *steam* powered aircraft! — would be ideal. It could orbit for months at a time without needing to land for refueling every 20 hours. The only limitation would be how much food and water could be carried onboard for the crew.

So they had to spend what today would amount to, what, $80 billion? $100 billion? to find out that it wasn’t practical for the following reasons:

1. The amount of radiation shielding required for even *minimal* crew protection weighed too much to allow the aircraft carry any bombs or guns.

2. Even so, the risk of sterility to the crew from radiation was such that only unmarried crewmen could be considered to fly it.

3. Although, because of the extra weight, the bomber couldn’t carry any guns for self defense, that was deemed an acceptable risk. It would fly so high and so fast that it could only be intercepted from behind — and only a suicidal Soviet fighter pilot would try to intercept the bomber, since he would have to fly into a lethal cone of radiation to do it.

4. Because of the weight of the plane, there were only two runways in the world which were long enough to handle them: Vandenberg and Riota. All the Commies would have to do is crater the runways with conventional bombs and the bombers could neither land nor take off.

5. Ground support equipment — tools, tugs, trucks, hangars, concrete, ground crew — would become immediately radioactive as soon as the aircraft powered up.

6. A problem which was euphemistically called “roll-up.” This was the condition of having a bomber crash in a friendly area — typically meaning the airfield, but potentially anywhere in the USA — and having *extremely* radioactive debris flying around and contaminating the area for centuries.

Yup, $100 billion to find this out.

BTW, Dad went on to become Project Systems Support Manager, Missile and Space Re-Entry Vehicle Division for GE. His team built the C4 and D5 warheads, a/k/a MIRV and MARV. Remember the Peacemaker missile during Reagan’s term? That was a MARVed vehicle.

Thus endeth the historical provenance of The Meatball and The Engines.

kth September 1, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=400197]Jim Newell[/re]: yes, terry, BE the change you were waiting for.

shudder to think what other porn sites, etc., the world’s worst lobbyist cc’d that email to.

Snarkalicious September 1, 2009 at 6:58 pm

I believe that lasting national security will only be achieved through the re-appropriation of these funds into a radical new “Carrier Nutz” program. No nation on Earth will dare to stand against us if we can park a 30 ton pair of petroleum based testicles off of their shore. We must act now, or soon it is we who will be staring down the barrel of a huge, plastic sack.

Jim Newell September 1, 2009 at 6:58 pm

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: That is a truly fantastic comment.

slappypaddy September 1, 2009 at 6:59 pm

why do you hate murka? if we don’t bust our budget on all these planes, we won’t be able to lose the next war.

davesnothere September 1, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Probably a Regent University grad.

bathalax September 1, 2009 at 6:59 pm

does the F-35 have health insurance?

The Unfairman September 1, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Agh, Jim, that email is so loooooooooong! I got booooored! If I wanted to get bored at work, I would do work.

Can’t you dumb it down for us?

FunkyPalmettoBug September 1, 2009 at 7:01 pm

hahahaha classic comedy!

Jim Newell September 1, 2009 at 7:01 pm

[re=400210]The Unfairman[/re]: “This other company is getting most of the war money. Why can’t we get more of the war money? Can you even believe this? Help!”

mamandesfilles September 1, 2009 at 7:03 pm

You realize he got points with the brass for “Thinking outside of the box”. Unfortunately, he forgot that he works for GE so he should keep his six sigma’d butt in the box.

WadISay September 1, 2009 at 7:05 pm

He asked you to “humor” him, so at least he did some research before sending this missive. Send him something about trucknutz. On the other hand, maybe he thought humor = pleasure.

dijetlo September 1, 2009 at 7:06 pm

P&W, the developer of the F135 engine, maintains that America does not need a competing Joint Strike Fighter engine

Those socialist bastards.

of course they would – they currently sit on a 30-year, $100 billion engine monopoly under a “cost-plus” contract.

Oh! OOOOH!!!! The Man at Pratt and Whitney is holding you down! Oppression! I’m feeling you Mr GE corporate shill.

This could take more than 100 aircraft out of the program.
Wont someone think of the Pilots? Carrying those heavy bombs, all the way to Afghanistan, on their backs, ’cause the Pratt and Whitney corporate beast ate their shiny death machines! Oh the humanity….

If you’re interested in the issue, I’d be happy to brief you on the Joint Strike Fighter and the F136

Briefings? We don’t need no stinking briefings, we’re the unwashed masses, the unruly mob, this is the Anarchists society of the America Baby!
EAT THE RICH!!! BURN BABY BURN!!
EAT THE RICH!!! BURN BABY BURN!!
(that GE guy is probably as juicy as his PW competitors, where’s his office Jim?)
EAT THE RICH!!! BURN BABY BURN!!
EAT THE RICH!!! BURN BABY BURN!!

WhatTheHeck September 1, 2009 at 7:06 pm

Just because Ken is Chief of Staff of Wonkette, does not make him a Joint Chief of staff.

Or does it? Maybe Ken is… NO. Say it ain’t so.

god.was.stingy September 1, 2009 at 7:07 pm

Esoteric would not be my first word choice when writing to Wonkette about fucking jet engines. Instead: “This might be a little FUCKIN’ A AWESOME BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD FREE MARKETEERICA METALLICA RULZ for Wonkette, but…” So on and so forth.

ericstoltz September 1, 2009 at 7:07 pm

Dear XXX:

Thank you for this absolutely fascinating account of how GE is locked in an apocalyptically-proportioned pissing match with Pratt & Whitney to see who can be paid the most to kill the most people. I am confident GE will be able to slap P&W about the face with your superior member.

I am interested in learning more about your magic death machines. I wonder if you could arrange for a demonstration of its killing prowess by taking me a long on a strafing mission about the Southern States, specifically in places where health care town halls are scheduled. If you don’t feel that would be appropriate, I suppose you could just decimate any mid-size Mexican town. That would not be as interesting to me, but at least GE would not face the kind of public scandal it would get by randomly incinerating ignorant white Southerners.

Anyway, XXX, let me know. And thank you for helping us preserve freedom by killing random impoverished villagers around the world.

God Bless America.

DangerousLiberal September 1, 2009 at 7:08 pm

Dear G.E. Flack:

This might be a bit esoteric for you, but humor me for a second.

FUCK OFF

Your ob’t servant, &c….

P.S. How’s cleaning up all your PCB shit out of the Hudson working out for you?

The Unfairman September 1, 2009 at 7:08 pm

[re=400212]Jim Newell[/re]: Ah, now I get it! Thanks Jim!

What a loser.

dennymcden September 1, 2009 at 7:09 pm

This is Tina Fey playing a joke on you, Ken.

BlueStateLibtard September 1, 2009 at 7:09 pm

You’re nuts if you don’t go for the briefing–insist on dinner, Jim, it’ll be the best meal you ever had and lots of free booze. Imagine the questions you can ask on behalf of your Wonkette “subscribers.” Make him earn his keep while he goes over the whole thing several times while you slurp up the booze. Then at the end, ask him if the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter could be “hypothetically” used to take out a town, like, I don’t know, Wasilla, Alaska?

Neilist September 1, 2009 at 7:09 pm

The F-35: Another VTOL Wonder Weapon that has the glide angle of a large rock — or a AV-8 Harrier — when the Vertical Life engine quits.

[Note to careful readers: That's right: "when" the engine quits is the correct terminology, rather than "if."]

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: Hey, your daddy worked on the B-36 Peacemarker flying nuclear reactor? That is sooooo coool.

:::Sniff:::

I miss the Old Days. You know, when the military could get millions, if not billions, in funding for Completely Wack-A-Doodle Ideas that could easily kill tens of thousands — accidently.

The NERVA nuclear rocket engine. SAC’s “Airborne Alert Aircraft.” The Davy Crockett W-54 nuclear bazooka.

Ah, those were the days . . . .

InsidiousTuna September 1, 2009 at 7:13 pm

I thought the Alec Baldwin was the head of GE.

The Station Manager September 1, 2009 at 7:13 pm

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: Wow, I typically don’t read monstrosities as long as yours when they’re in the comments section, but I’m glad I read yours. That is awesome.

Min September 1, 2009 at 7:13 pm

Obviously, Mr. REDACTED never actually reads Wonkette, or he wouldn’t be barking so profoundly up the wrong tree.

Tommmcatt September 1, 2009 at 7:16 pm

[re=400203]kth[/re]:

This would explain the Asian guy spread-eagled on a jet engine in this month’s Freshmen, methinks.

Downtheroadapiece September 1, 2009 at 7:21 pm

OK, the mention I made earlier today about needing a cockmaster tag? Yeah, this is it right here.

chascates September 1, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Once the CIA puts them lasers up into space this guy’s out of a job.

Below the Beltway September 1, 2009 at 7:24 pm

[re=400227]InsidiousTuna[/re]: Alex Baldwin is high in the hierarchy of the Scheinhardt Wig Company. I do not know this GE of which you speak.

That aside, now we all need to keep track of what asshat “journalists” respond to this tripe by bobbing on the knob of this GE flack. I predict “insightful” copies of this e-mail as reframed as columns by David Brooks and/or Jokeline.

Sharkey September 1, 2009 at 7:27 pm

Dear XXX,

Eat a bag of reliable, cost-effective, maintainable, and competitive dicks.

Best,
The Sharkster

WadISay September 1, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Jim, please feel free to use the following.

Dear XXXX: You have certainly brought your concerns to the right place. Attached please find our standard rate advertising agreement. I think you will be more than pleased with your $20 million 2-week investment in advertising on our blog. We are prepared to displace ads for Campbell Brown and Choke for a slight additional premium. Yours in F-35 freedom of engine choice, Wonkette.

GreatOldOnesParty September 1, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Dude, this Redacted guy gets around.

He’s EVERYWHERE!

hiphophitler September 1, 2009 at 7:32 pm

Is Mr. REDACTED aware that the only thing in the briefing Wonkette would be vaguely interested in would be the effects of supersonic speeds on teh buttsecks?

AnnieGetYourFun September 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

Esoteric? Doesn’t he mean “poignant”?

geminisunmars September 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

This makes me wonder — if XXX thought Wonkette was an appropriate place to — gosh, can’t think of a word: proposition, solicit, humor, feel up, beg — where else did (s)he send this missive? And just what does (s)he want Wonkette to do about it? Get briefed? Publish the letter so we know how badly GE is being treated. Neo-marketing.

glamourdammerung September 1, 2009 at 7:35 pm

I would have tried to play hardball and demand an Olbermann apology, but that is just my mean-spirited nature.

Carrie_Okie September 1, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Dear Redacted.
You lost your lunchbox on K street.

Please contact me at http://bit.ly/7s48k. I have kept your bag of dicks in the fridge.

the problem child September 1, 2009 at 7:43 pm

I can’t believe I was the first here to actually, cut, paste the tinyurl, read the article and comment on it: DoDBuzz “‘Pratt Fall’ in Engine Wars”.

“The story, as laid out by Bloomberg’s redoubtable Pentagon reporter Tony Capaccio and colleague Rachel Layne, lays out in detail how a YouTube video arguing against the a second engine originally listed Pratt as the sponsor behind it. But wait! The advertising firm Sullivan Higdon & Sink and the company that produced the video for them now say they goofed and the real client is Citizens Against Government Waste, a nonprofit group.

In very careful language, the Bloomberg story says both Pratt and the nonprofit group “are separate customers and are billed as such,” according to Lathi de Silva, who bears the wonderful title of brand-recognition director at Sullivan Higdon. And a Pratt & Whitney spokesman says they didn’t pay for the video.”

It’s just more astroturfing, of course, but isn’t it hilarious that GE Communications staff is tipping you off about it?

GreatOldOnesParty September 1, 2009 at 7:50 pm

Oddly enough, 1101 views have seen this.

So, his marketing technique is very very sneaky….

AnnieGetYourFun September 1, 2009 at 7:51 pm

[re=400250]the problem child[/re]: Wait, you can’t believe you were the first here to put effort into explaining the deeper story behind this? You do know where you are, right?

hrhkingfriday September 1, 2009 at 7:55 pm

I saw an ad for this on the metro today, sponsored by Merkins Fer Less Gubmint or some such. Even the metro ad has a serious case of tl;dr

RoscoePColtraine September 1, 2009 at 8:05 pm

I can’t accuse you of failing to warn me that my eyes were about to glaze over, Jim. There it was, right in the title.

Is there any reason I need to care about this fighter engine bidness, and, if so, would one of you be kind enough to dumb it down for me?

GreatOldOnesParty September 1, 2009 at 8:06 pm

maybe you should write him back and suggest that GE corner the market on bringing back Zeppelins.

Canuck13652 September 1, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=400225]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: You could ask him if trucknutz can be installed on the back of on of the death machines.

WIDTAP September 1, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Ken, this is clearly a job for Riley. What good is having an intern if you cannot show your respect for a major industrial player by having the intern take the meeting?

Crow T. Robot September 1, 2009 at 8:19 pm

Dude, compared to the F-22, your plane looks like rowboat that’s been mounted with jet engines …& you wanna supply the jet engines?

Really?

the problem child September 1, 2009 at 8:21 pm

[re=400256]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: What? Huh? Where the hell…? Must have been drinking again. Could have burnt down the fucking house and all…

schvitzatura September 1, 2009 at 8:22 pm

I wonder if Newell’s Russian Bizarro World counterpart receives unsolicited email from the MarComm group of NPO Saturn, about how Klimov Company should eat a мешок малосольный крыса пенисы, over who should get to supply engines for their 4.75th generation of fighter aircraft?

My guess is no…

geminisunmars September 1, 2009 at 8:24 pm

[re=400261]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: The best summary I’ve ever read of anything, ever: [re=400212]Jim Newell[/re]: [re=400210]The Unfairman[/re]:

Johnny Zhivago September 1, 2009 at 8:28 pm

You know, even the defense people used to have some class when there were more than what – like 3 companies that built all of this shit.

I remember back in the 1980′s there was an ad in Aerospace Week and Defense Technology for the F15SE (Strike Eagle) the fighter bomber version of the F15. It was a gorgeously photographed spread with two images – an F15 going straight up and below it – one going straight down.

Below the copy was: “The McDonald Douglas F15 Strike Eagle: It goes up to shoot things down. It goes down to blow things up”.

That’s truth in advertising!

desertwind September 1, 2009 at 8:29 pm

I wonder how much “Lt. General Michael A. Hough, USMC (Retired)” is being paid by GE (or its subsidiary).

vkladchik September 1, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Epic pwnage. Never thought I’d see the day.

Kathryn. September 1, 2009 at 8:34 pm

For a minute, I was hoping so strongly that the link at the end would be something relevant to Wonkette’s interests. Like a photo of Palin sucking on some TruckNutz or a story about a Congressman sodomizing a goat.

RoscoePColtraine September 1, 2009 at 8:38 pm

[re=400273]geminisunmars[/re]: I fucking HATE when that happens. I swear to god that comment wasn’t there when I painstakingly read through the thread.

rag September 1, 2009 at 8:39 pm

[re=400226]Neilist[/re]: The Davy Crockett W-54 nuclear bazooka is my absolute fucking favorite cold war weapon. The only things better were Brilliant Pebbles (mutherfukkin’spacelazers) and the SS-18 Satan Missiles (which the Russians sport to this very day!). LET US BE CLEAR: they called this thing ‘The Davy Crockett.’

hrhkingfriday September 1, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=400278]Kathryn.[/re]: My money was on an Andre Bauer money shot (and you KNOW it would be with a big black dude)

Jim89048 September 1, 2009 at 8:49 pm

Airborne Death Panelz!!!1! What’s not to like about that?

Guppy06 September 1, 2009 at 8:54 pm

So does this mean that Wonkette will be morphing into “Aviation Leak & Assfucking Mythology?”

house of the blue lights September 1, 2009 at 8:54 pm

Jim you have to go to the briefing. I have insomnia and I can’t think of anything I would rather do at 4 a.m. than read an account of our Wonkette at a defense contrator briefing. My toes are actually curling here.

Pilate September 1, 2009 at 8:57 pm

Is it really “engine competition” so much as “it would be unfair to hand P&W billions for a project we will never use, without at least handing Boeing, Grumman, GE, etc billions for components of that project we will never use”?

Quasi September 1, 2009 at 8:59 pm

You don’t suppose that maybe a letter meant for [Redacted]‘s Sympathetic-Conservative-Chickenhawk-Assholes list was accidentally sent to his Pinko-Commie-Nazi-Liberal-Fucks-Who-Have-To-Be-Watched list, do you?

Way Cool Larry September 1, 2009 at 9:00 pm

Yay, American military capitalism! Competing for the most efficient way to kill foreigners for over one hundred years!

Guppy06 September 1, 2009 at 9:02 pm

GE already owns my member of Congress. GE already owns most peoples’ members of Congress. Why do they need Wonkette? Is there some internet survey somewhere that demonstrates that Wonkette is read by only the most important and influential Hill interns?

J05H September 1, 2009 at 9:02 pm

It’d be cheaper to just shoot everyone on the planet. At $0.11 per bullet it would only cost $770 million. Problem solved.

bureaucrap September 1, 2009 at 9:05 pm

[re=400255]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: At the risk of being permanently banned, I would note, Jim that did exactly what he/she wanted you to do — you gave GE a platform to make their statement. YOU SOLD US OUT!!!

That being said, if the engine comprised primarily a rubber band and a little plastic propeller, separated by a fuselage of balsa wood, I would have supported it in a minute.

Johnny Zhivago September 1, 2009 at 9:06 pm

[re=400281]rag[/re]: Even better, I think they called it “The Little Feller” during the testing and development phase.

doloras September 1, 2009 at 9:06 pm
hobospacejunkie September 1, 2009 at 9:10 pm

I get a huge, rock-solid hard on reading fighter engine porn (well, huge in relation to its flaccid size.) Please give Mr. Redacted my contact info so we can meet for dinner where I will jack it under the table, several times. I never thought my dream would come true. These 44 years have been totally worth it.

N.S.Sherlock September 1, 2009 at 9:19 pm

Wait I got this same email last week; it’s from Nigeria. His pitch comes when you reply.

problemwithcaring September 1, 2009 at 9:35 pm

I chose to believe that this is very early, extremely stealth , enviably brilliant “murketing” campaign for Iron Man 2 by the Disney/Marvel conglomerate in an elaborate attempt to drum up anti-corporate fervor and hatred of now-rival NBC.

I chose to believe that because the reality of that email makes me hate the world too much to live.

CaiteeCruelle September 1, 2009 at 9:38 pm

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: Thank you for the small paragraphs and numbered points. Lazy reader that I am these days, I still read the whole thing.

My dad was 37-year GE employee (I may be counting the Martin Marietta time and a tiny bit of the Lockheed Martin in that). He managed proposal-writing teams. Paid for my fancy private school and my college tuition. ALL HAIL THE COLD WAR. ALL HAIL THE MEATBALL.

shortsshortsshorts September 1, 2009 at 9:40 pm

[re=400303]N.S.Sherlock[/re]: Those fuckers have taken a hell of a lot more taxpayer money than Nigeria could ever think of. They are a living Hun, pillaging the villages, raping the women, drinking the wine, burning the houses, and then riding off into the sunset with a now claimed 14 year-old companion— nervously and contemptuously fondled by hordes of unshaven evil brutes. You know— like politics.

taylormattd September 1, 2009 at 9:45 pm

Needs the dildos.

DoctorCulturae September 1, 2009 at 9:46 pm

So to recap, the “we bring good things to life” slogan is ironic. Right.

mollymcguire September 1, 2009 at 9:49 pm

Why do we need a fighter to strike joints? According to every Cheech and Chong movie I’ve ever watched, all joints do is make one peaceful and hungry. I’ve also heard that they cure glaucoma. Do we really want to spend $300 Billion on a joint strike fighter?

Paul Tardy September 1, 2009 at 9:52 pm

I say make China an F-35 tier I nation. That will fix the trade deficit and now that Boeing is moving to China it is just a farce to think US will maintain air superiority especially with the Cambridge(MIT+Havahd) police treating scholars like high school kids out after dark with a case of beer. The Chinese will like the F-35. Really they will buy bunches of them.

Kingbee September 1, 2009 at 9:54 pm

Question #1: Is getting “briefed” similar to getting a wedgie?

#2: I’m sure this plane is twin-engined. Can they just put a P&W engine in one side and a GE engine in the other side, buy twice as many jets, and make everybody happy?

I Am Not Your Gary Busey September 1, 2009 at 9:54 pm

Well, this IS a warblog after all…

Mr Blifil September 1, 2009 at 9:59 pm

I am pissed that the tinyurl link did not take me to a femdom site, forcing millions of automatically opening pop-ups mysteriously designed to avoid my anti-pop-up technologeez. Or at the very least pictures of Trig.

El Pinche September 1, 2009 at 10:03 pm

-signed Nigerian Businessman
Prince Alyusi Islassi

Guppy06 September 1, 2009 at 10:07 pm

[re=400315]Paul Tardy[/re]: No, the trick is to find some pissant, third-world banana republic hellhole to sell the planes to, someone we’ll have to invade about 10-20 years afterwards.

The Middle East is all been-there-done-that, though. Need something new. Maybe Thailand, or go with an old classic like Chile.

badmuthagoose September 1, 2009 at 10:19 pm

Dear XXX,

Free market, bitches. Free market.

Signed,

Wonkette

Dreadful Gate September 1, 2009 at 10:29 pm

Congratulations, Jim, you just did Dick Gobbler’s job for him. Smart fellow. Everyone on Wonkette is now briefed on an arcane issue most people don’t give a rat’s ass for

GreatOldOnesParty September 1, 2009 at 10:32 pm

[re=400312]DoctorCulturae[/re]: The original proposed slogan was “We bring good things to life so we can kill them.”

AxmxZ September 1, 2009 at 10:50 pm

[re=400272]schvitzatura[/re]: I was going to hold out on commenting, but you forced my hand.

It’s мешок малосольных крысиных хуев. THE RAT DICKS MUST BE INFLECTED!!

Humpback September 1, 2009 at 10:53 pm

[re=400250]the problem child[/re]: Wait a minute. The story is broken by Rachel Layne, and then Mr. REDACTED comes sniffing around Ken Layne for press coverage. Who’s zoomin’ who? Is Rachel a sibling, Ken? A cousin? Did Mr. REDACTED just pull your lucky name out of a hat?

hockeymom September 1, 2009 at 10:54 pm

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: I love this. That is all.

Packherd September 1, 2009 at 11:14 pm

I was really hoping that tinyurl linked to porn.

Canuckledragger September 1, 2009 at 11:16 pm

When I was a kid I had a “weapon” called a “Johnny Seven One Man Army” that offered seven different ways to nerf/squirt/blow-up the neighborhood.

Give one of THOSE fuckers to EVERY Murkin.

Waaaaay cheaper. And about as effective…..

ZombieRichardFeynman September 1, 2009 at 11:17 pm

My wife’s dad was a project manager at Lockheed. During its heyday he was running target acquisition for Star Wars. He said giving briefings was a great dog and pony show. They had a video showing our spiffy missle defense knocking down all the incoming missles and another one in which our defenses are overwhelmed and we are all cooked. Which one they showed depended on which way the target audience needed to be nudged. BTW, he always thought the project never had a snowball’s chance in hell of ever working.

Bernie Madeoff September 1, 2009 at 11:52 pm
WadISay September 2, 2009 at 12:00 am

[re=400343]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: I used to work for an A&D (aerospace and defense) spinoff. The art of giving briefings is as important in that culture as is bringing down gazelles in hunter-gatherer societies.

imissopus September 2, 2009 at 12:06 am

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: I read stuff like that and start thinking “Dr. Strangelove” was a documentary.

I wish my dad had cool stories like that, though. Next time I see him I’m going to curse him out for being a CPA.

Custersdeadhorse September 2, 2009 at 12:07 am

Congratulations! Wonkette is now a part of the military-industrial complex. That makes you too big to fail, I think. As a warblog, perhaps Congress will fund Wonkette before it throws a dime at NPR. You could become a line item in the DOD Appropriations Bill–otherwise known as pork.

Thegreatbacon September 2, 2009 at 12:29 am

I don’t like his pitch. He didn’t mention 911 or terrorists even once. Improvement: 911 happened because GE Engines of Freedom were not in the sky, protecting hard-working Americans. Tell your congressman to fill our skies with GE Engines of Freedom before it is too late. The terrorists do not wait for proper procurement channels, and neither should we. Give your congressman a reach around if it helps. America needs you.

gurukalehuru September 2, 2009 at 12:51 am

I never realized it before, but OT must be short for esOTeric.

Jim89048 September 2, 2009 at 1:10 am

[re=400347]imissopus[/re]: Heh. Mine was a bartender, which come to think of it makes him far more worthy of hero worship in this place.

Neoyorquino September 2, 2009 at 1:35 am

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: In that same vein, let us not forget the “Flying Crowbar”: http://www.merkle.com/pluto/pluto.html

meyotch September 2, 2009 at 1:54 am

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: I think the remnants of the prototype of the engine (the reactor component) is sitting in the parking lot of EBR-1 on the DOE site in SE Idaho. So, next time you are craving a shake from Pickle’s Place in Arco (the first city in the US lit by ATOMIC power!), stop in and marvel.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

GreatOldOnesParty September 2, 2009 at 2:01 am

[re=400378]Neoyorquino[/re]: “SLAM! For when everything on Earth absolutely MUST die, yesterday. Fulfill all your apocalyptic fantasies. Buy now!”

zhubajie September 2, 2009 at 2:17 am

Doesn’t it read like a Nigerian investment opportunity? No request for $$$ yet, but maybe in the next message.

zhubajie September 2, 2009 at 2:32 am

[re=400225]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: No free hookers?

adds September 2, 2009 at 2:46 am

Ahem. Before you make fun of the young man, I would remind you that even my great nation of Australia has earmarked, fifteen, errr, sixteen, errr, seventeen billion dollars for about one hundred of the dinky little plane. Good value I say. Although I think I am the only person who has noticed that an F-35A hasn’t ectually been built to the point of flying as yet. Never mind. We trust you Yanks without reservations. Our northernmost neighbors are heavily armed with spears, and gad around in wooden boats. So it is a GOOD idea to purchase these things. Rolls Royce engine or not. And given they actually have a 500km range, they could ACTUALLY FLY from Sydney to Perth only stopping for fuel and a service eight or nine times! Imagine that! They could be in the real balls-to-the-wall COMBAT in less than two weeks! We could have had the M1 Abrams Tanks join them, but we can’t move the tanks at all. We don’t have any roads in the country that will take the weight of an Abrams, nor do we have a rail system that can carry one, nor do we have a plane that can pick one up. They all look good in Darwin however, ready to blow up those blokes in the wooden boats I expect. Still, our nations are great friends. Oh, thanks for the Sea-Sprites BTW. What a bargain! Almost a billion dollars each for eleven scrap American helicopters manufactured in 1964! And they NEVER managed to fly either!
The troop carrying ships you sold us were OK. Well, one of them nearly sank due to big rusty holes in it. We tied a lot of ropes around it and dragged it next to a jetty just to be safe. What can one expect for a mere billion bucks? The torpedoes you sold us for our submarines came painted a very nifty colour. Thanks. Unfortunately they were about a meter to long for the shooting hole thingy. Rather than offend you by sending them back, we made our submarines a little bit longer. Unfortunately this resulted in the nose falling off one of them. That was a bit naughty! All the sailors joked and laughed at this jape! We don’t seem to have any sailors who want to use our submarines anymore. That is strange.

Best regards from your pal in Australia, and remember, no matter what it is “We’ll buy whatever you tell us to buy. Junk or not!”.

Love,
Mark.

LoweredPeninsula September 2, 2009 at 4:22 am

Too esoteric for Wonkette?! WTF?! Our little Wonkie has esotericism dripping out the wazoo, you little GE fucker. So, why don’t you turn your narrow ass back around and fly back on the over-priced death machine you flew in on, k?

durn September 2, 2009 at 5:53 am

[re=400399]adds[/re]: Sorry, mate, that’s what you get for painting a ‘roo on the side of your navy and trying to play in the blue water with the Yinkes. Consider the cost of all this unnecessary shit insurance against us letting everything but The Rocks and the casinos be turned into mines with surf spots next to them by the Chinese.

Your neighbors are whoever rules the Pacific, since it ain’t you. Now go build some real roads.

adds September 2, 2009 at 6:44 am

durn: As I recall, an old deisel powered Oberon class sub ‘sank’ one of your carriers during a game, and I fondly remember working with Yink troops on war games over here during my quite unremarkable Army career. So, less of the ‘Guardians of the Free Wurld’ down here if you please. I here Pine Gap is where it is because you couldn’t find Darwin and wanted a rest.

We could probably build some decent roads if we did not keep spending so much money on used Yinky military crap. Infantry raincoats that glow in the dark was a hoot! And now we are earmarking billions for a bit-o-vapourware that will be junk if it ever does get built.

The Chinese are doing quite well taking over Australia merely by buying large bits of it. How was your stock market this morning BTW? My new Fender ‘Fat Strat’ has a made in China sticker on it, as do my exclusive NZ ‘Rodd & Gunn’ shirts for gentlemen. So we poor folk have to consider the pressures already placed on our small population without you lot bribing our slow-witted politicians into buying scrap metal. So stop it.

And you can have EDS and CSC back as well (as an aside).

Love & kisses,
Mark.

durn September 2, 2009 at 7:02 am

Your weapons will too, soon. Have that sticker. So what?

You beat our carriers in a game? Congratulations, if that tucks you in at night. We’d sell you the good shit if you had the money, it’s not a trust thing, you guys are super, Howard being just the latest to carry up the rear of one more stupid war for us. But really, we don’t have to bribe you lot to buy our scrap metal, you happily buy it in the pretense of defending from Indonesia, in full knowledge that it’s our kickback for actually stopping the horde.

Or not, if you prefer it with icing.

memzilla September 2, 2009 at 7:37 am

[re=400438]adds[/re]: ANZAC snarkitude win.

In the spirit of bi-hemispherical solidarity, and trying to atone for our US defense industry’s craptastic products, I urge all Wonketteers to drink as many Foster’s oilcans as possible. I personally can account for about $15K worth, but it takes a village, etc.

widget09 September 2, 2009 at 7:48 am

Yeah but, does the F-35A have homosexual (gay finder) radar (gaydar)?

adds September 2, 2009 at 8:08 am

durn: Thenng you. Not bad for a 60s vintage old german diesel sub. Lots of long faces in the mess as I remember. (I used to make the towed SONAR arrays)

“The good shit”? What would that be? The F-22? I hear that is going well for you blokes (and blokettes). The F-18? We already own a bunch of them. Years ago when we sorta did want to blow up Indonesia we purchased a load of F-111s from you. In retrospect the ‘pigs from space’ was not a bad purchase. Nearly sent this country bankrupt, and the debt got us involved in the Vietnam war, but what are mates for?

As far as “stopping the horde” goes, what exactly do you propose to do if China wants Taiwan back? Shout slogans? Re-run a lot of movies where the Yammericans ALWAYS win? Kit Arnie up with an M60 and send him down south? What will you do? Nothing I suspect is the correct answer.

Howard is old news, you should try and keep up with world events a little more. We have a brand new idiot running the country, yes folks, Dubja’s little Shirrif has retired. Our newest idiot even speaks Chinese. How about that?

Anyway Rotsa-Ruck next time China has a hissy fit and sells off some of it’s USSA dollars. This morning looked rather peaked hey? Whoops! (I don’t think you guys are supposed to know who (Hu) owns your economy, sorry about that)

Australia has quite a good relationship with Indonesia. We still have some squabbles over PNG. None of our skyscrapers have been knocked over yet.

Love & Kisses,
Mark.

adds September 2, 2009 at 8:19 am

memzilla: For the love of everything sacred, DO NOT drink Fosters beer. No-one in Australia does. It’s as bad as your stuff.

Coopers Pale or Sparkling Ale.
Jame’s Boag Premium.
Cascade Premium.
Little Creatures (if you can get it)

So in solidarity, the GOOD OIL ;-)

Love & Kisses,
Mark.

adds September 2, 2009 at 8:33 am

[re=400444]widget09[/re]: Interesting concept…. I would expect some major flight deviations (sic) over LA and Sydney if that were the case. Since an F-35A has never been built that can ectually fly, the gay-killing mode is rather in the realms of conjecture (sorry, that is rather a large word to force on my friends in the USSA.) “It be Sci-Fi, knows it? Man” (I hope that was better. Please excuse me, English is my first language.

My surfboard has a rock-finding device. I think the commies planted it (or perhaps the Muslims). It’s a plot to keep me sniffing fibreglass resin when otherwise I would be out saving the wurld for democracy (and some other stuff I deem important, like dry socks).

Love & Kisses,
Mark.

memzilla September 2, 2009 at 8:33 am

[re=400452]adds[/re]: So you’re saying that Fosters is like cheap French wine, in the sense that the two products are exported because no one in the home country will drink it and they can’t just pour it into the landfills?

Thanks for the tip and the recommendations.

In return, I submit for your consideration America’s finest contribution to the distilled arts: Bourbon. Maker’s Mark, specifically.

In the true spirit of Teh Wonkette, once again we see that alcohol defuses tension and yes, we can all just get along. It takes a drunken village, etc.

Fat Man September 2, 2009 at 8:45 am

Newell quits his NBC gig and suddenly he’s trashing GE. More than coincidence? You decide!

adds September 2, 2009 at 9:01 am

[re=400459]memzilla[/re]: A bit more complex than that. The FOSTER’s beer you drink out of Australia is not brewed in Australia. Besides the point, even the stuff brewed here is disgusting crap, and I am yet to meet a fellow Aussie who will buy it.

Thanks for the tip on whiskey. We tend to get pushed Jim Beam (cheapish), Jack Daniel’s (more expensive) and CC as the only Bourbon in the world. Marketing at play yet again.

TENSION!!! WHAT TENSION!!!

None were I live and surf. Google Coolum Beach QLD.

Small place, well known for nothing (and keeping it that way).

Love & Kisses,
Mark.

Lazy Media September 2, 2009 at 9:09 am

Uh, GE, the whole point of having Rolls Royce develop a backup engine was just in case the P&W one didn’t work, so that a bad motor wouldn’t delay building and deploying the F-35 (which will save money in the long run, because it’s relatively cheap for what it can do, and replaces several other planes that cost more to operate/maintain). But there weren’t any delays or development probs with the P&W motor, so you guys can fuck off and die.

MARCdMan September 2, 2009 at 9:33 am

If you guys don’t want to take a ride in the thing, I’ll happily do it for you.

widget09 September 2, 2009 at 10:10 am

[re=400458]adds[/re]: Good Answer

S.Luggo September 2, 2009 at 11:16 am

Will there be in-flight movies? (Hopes.)

Doglessliberal September 2, 2009 at 11:17 am

See, I worry that if Jim did go to a “briefing”, we’d never see nor hear from him again. He’d be a “volunteer” in some GE test of the limits of human tolerance for being dangled from a plane or something. And I somehow think Dick Cheney is involved in this, because he usually is.

S.Luggo September 2, 2009 at 11:19 am

Wonkette:
Whatever you do, don’t unsubscribe. This GE stuff is pure comedy gold.

Slow Fish September 2, 2009 at 11:34 am

[re=400245]geminisunmars[/re]: The View? Dancing with the Stars? True Blood?

BklynIlluminati September 2, 2009 at 1:50 pm

You’all think that it’s funny to cheese off the war monger/profiteer. Just wait until he goes over to Redstate or Drudge then what? When Wonkette goes into Warblog mode, they will have air superiority and we will have YAK 3′s from world war 2 that we got Yuri at half price from the russian army/navy surplus. then you fuckers will be sorry!

rsynnott September 2, 2009 at 9:39 pm

[re=400226]Neilist[/re]: A shame about NERVA really; it was only slightly absurdly dangerous.

On the even sillier nuclear vehicles front… it’s the subterrene! A device which digs holes by melting them, with a nuclear reactor! I think GE was also involved with the US version of this insanity, though it may have been General Atomic.

adds September 3, 2009 at 1:02 am

This could come in handy on those long, cold, camping trips..

http://englishrussia.com/?p=2355

adds September 3, 2009 at 2:08 am

widget09: Apparently the USSA is at the forefront of gay military technology. Your reference to a GADAR piqued my interest, and lo….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzhBbRGwSa4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8YTmtjyL70
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7n9qAEoxOPY&NR=1&feature=fvwp

You Americans are seriously weird.

Love & Kisses,
Mark.

Bruno September 6, 2009 at 9:35 am

[re=400202]memzilla[/re]: “2. Even so, the risk of sterility to the crew from radiation was such that only unmarried crewmen could be considered to fly it.”

I assume this was before Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Bruno September 6, 2009 at 9:39 am

[re=400276]desertwind[/re]: Yes, these retired generals get all the best jobs.

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