The secessionist losers in Texas held a major rally (like 2 people) in front of the state Capitol this past weekend, but whither be leader Rick Perry and his 70 pretend-secessionist allies from the state legislature? Apparently they were all busy doing… let’s see… anything else. But the Texas Observer was there to cover the madness and met some interesting “Real Americans,” who at one point very patriotically shouted, “we hate the United States.”

Our favorite is the second speaker — a Paultard lady — saying, “We are aware that stepping off into secession may in fact be a bloody war.” Yes, there will be much blood when a few F-18s utterly obliterate your new country’s infrastructure and murder most of its population before lunchtime.

[Texas Observer]

Donate with CCDonate with CC


  1. Rally round General John Bell Hood and the Texas Brigade, boys! We’ll drive these Wonkette Blue Bellies out of the Confederacy, or die in the attempt!

    For your wives! For your sweethearts! For the Birthers!

  2. Ah, my beloved home state. Little known fact, Texas’ sunsets are so beautiful because of the steam that emanates daily from the ears of thousands of smart people there who have to listen to these idiots on a regular basis.

  3. “will be much blood when a few F-18s utterly obliterate your new country’s infrastructure and murder most of its population before lunchtime.”

    Gee, Jim. You say that like it’s a BAD thing.

    This is Texas we’re talking about, remember? You know, the State whose residents prove that Oakies fuck Mexskins?

  4. You could easily let some of the steam out of blue shirt guy by telling him that Little Debbies brand snack cakes come from outside of Texas.

  5. Jim, please stop giving free press to this woman. If she sees this on the intertubez, she may become emboldened and then the F-18’s would also have to blow the fuck out of her three-legged Min Pin and Finger Hut statuette collection when she gets them involved in this grave threat to our national desire to give a shit.

  6. Please go! And by the way, we’re closing Fort Hood, Fort Bliss, two Naval Air Stations, the F-16 factory in Fort Worth. And the Trinity River will flood Dallas every spring because the Corps of Engineers won’t run the dams’n’shit at taxpayer expense for you anymore.

    And good luck with the border! Now you can kill all the Mexicans you want!

  7. May need a place to crash in, oh, let’s say Chicago, DC, or New York if shit goes down. Just saying. If secession happens, I’m only 2 hours from the Louisiana border and am getting the fuck out.

  8. “Yes, there will be much blood when a few F-18s utterly obliterate your new country’s infrastructure and murder most of its population before lunchtime.”

    Okay, NOW I know what I want for my birthday.

  9. Hey come on peoples. The most important question this time of the year in Tejas is, how will this affect the Cowboys, US America’s Tejas’ Team?

  10. Jesus Christo! Can we please please PLEASE retire that “tree of liberty needs to be watered with the blood of tax-payer funded abortions” trope? Can’t someone take out their Thomas Paine reader and come up with a new line?

  11. [re=399727]V572625694[/re]: and no Medicaid, Medicare, SSI, Transporation money, federal subsidies for oil and gas drilling, federal subsidies for crops and ranches, FEMA money for Galveston and the whole coast, etc etc. Let them leave, please. They can run their own country quite successfully, I am sure.

  12. Gazunta hey (Yiddish for “Go with God but GO!)

    This reminds me of the non-controversy every once in awhile in New York City, when Staten Island periodically threatens to secede, but never does. I once read something along the lines of(paraphrasing), “As Staten Island again threatens to secede, the other four boroughs are wondering what’s taking it so long.”

  13. [re=399727]V572625694[/re]:

    Oh, and we’re also cancelling all your social security benefits, medicare benefits, medicaid benefits, education subsidies, crop subsidies, highway and bridge subsidies, head start subsidies, energy subsidies, federal aviation subsidies, small business administration subsidies, bank bailout subsidies, FDIC subsidies, NASA subsidies, health care subsidies etc. Good luck Texas. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass as you leave.

  14. oh…and also…do they expect to be able to run this revolution sitting on their fat asses in the SHADE? I know it’s hot in Texas, but people c’mon, talkin’ bout a revolution here…going to have to sweat a bit…

  15. I will repeat this over and over again until these tardos understand:

    the second Texas secedes from the union, Travis County (AUSTIN) secedes from you. Have fun without IBM, UT, Dell, AMD, the Capitol, etc…

    The Socialist Republic of Austin would do quite well on its own, though.

  16. I did a cross-country drive this summer from Scottsdale to Philly and purposely took this route (Route 59?) that cut northeast in New Mexico and literally bumped against the Texas border before entering Oklahoma.

    I stepped out of my car at the point where it bumped against Texas and mooned that collection of cowboy hat-wearing assfucks (and the cattle who happened to be hanging out there) before moving on.

    True story. Good times.

  17. Our ancestors put the Indians on reservations. Our grandparents put Japanese-Americans in prison camps. I say we take up that great American tradition and build a fence around Loving County, Texas (pop. 70) and tell the Secessionists, “No Federal law or taxes, no Federal money or programs of any kind, and good luck with that whole ‘live free or die’ thing.”

  18. Bombing won’t be necessary. Simply import ever larger amounts of high fructose corn syrup and we’ll soon kill ourselves. Sugary snacks + red meat with every meal will doom us all.

  19. Later on, y’all! Why would we bother bombing them? Hell, can we offer them buyouts, like GM does when it needs to shitcan useless members of its workforce?

    Does this make Texas the Quebec of America?

  20. This will make a good reminder at election time of how bad an idea it is to elect people who hate their government. It should’ve occurred to us in 1980 but we’re suckers for tough guys. Make that tough-talking guys.

  21. The idea that anyone would fight to keep Texas in the Union is kind of funny. GET THE FUCK OUT1 MAKE AMERICA A SMARTER PLACE11 Texans always have such a high opinion of themselves. Fight. To. Keep. Texas. Insane! Go be a Third World country. If you don’t know you get $1.03 back from every $1 in federal taxes then leave.

  22. I have T-Shirt that says Don’t mess with Texas it is not nice to pick on retards. You know one bougus arrest in Texas and I carry a life long grudge. Go figure.

    If Texas left and took Oklahomo with them I would be ecstatic. I would miss Austin but the rest can go and take the Damn Cowboys with them.

  23. All right, all right. Not everyone in Texas is a lunatic.
    I’m with Don’t Mess w/ Pink (about comment number 20).

    As for Perry … you will recall that although Governor Goodhair was indeed elected, it was with only 39% of the vote. Meaning the majority of voters said “Thanks, but no thanks.” Of course, that was before he and Sarah P became BFF’s, which may just put him over the top this time. Sigh.

  24. [re=399722]Neilist[/re]: I’m trying to figure out what the hell “prov[ing] Oakies fuck Mexskins” is supposed to mean, but I’ve got nothing. Care to throw me a bone?

  25. [re=399745]Doglessliberal[/re]:

    Close all the bases around San Antonio and the rest of the state. NASA out of Houston, too.

    Oh, and apparently that Paul-tard lady is running for governor.

  26. That was cute as hell, guys. Everybody got a turn to speak, standing up there at that grown up lookin’ podium… they even had flags and signs to wave around…that was the best eight grade field day I’ve ever seen.

  27. [re=399775]blogslut[/re]: “SUCK SESSION IS THE ANSWER!”

    Every single person in that video is running for governor of Texas except for the pro-health care reform dude. He’s just running.

  28. [re=399762]McDuff[/re]:
    Loving County is down to just 70 people?
    I remember when it had only 210 people & was still the least populated county in the country.
    What’s the current population of Mentone, the county seat?

  29. NASA could be like Guantanamo. Not like THAT, but in the sense of “American soil in a hostile foreign land” or whatever. (I await factual corrections and better analogies.)

  30. [re=399816]Terry[/re]: If you see a Medina sticker on a car or truck, I guarantee you he or she has a giant flag pole in their front lawn. They probably have an American and Don’t Tread on Me flag which they put in half mast for stupid fucking reasons. Meet my neighbor, Mike. And guess what? He’s from Wisconsin! The same goes for his other Paultwat buddy who’s kids run around my front yard yelling “chink” and “nigger”. He’s from Michigan. I’m a big fan of shooting and hunting accidents at this point.

  31. [re=399749]ignatius_riley[/re]: If he hadn’t trilled the fuck out of that R, he would have sounded totally insane.

    For just a moment, that one lady was just a tad embarrassed to be standing next to him.

  32. Just do it already and secede, pussies.

    Seriously, we’ll definitely throw in Oklahoma, and hell, you can have Shreveport, Lousiana if you ACT NOW!

    Is there any way we can just vote them out? Like they do on Survivor?

  33. [re=399812]You Will Be Towed[/re]: And there were about 5,029 other candidates who kindly split the non-Perry vote among themselves, including Democrat/anti-campaigning activist/invisible hermit Chris Bell and, of course, good old Kinky Friedman.

    This time around, there’s me, already fantasizing about casting my first (and, with any luck, only) vote against Perry of the 2010 season in the Republican primary. Thank Christ for the semi-open primary.

  34. Hey now, there are more Texans on the Wonkett than there were at this “major rally.” That should be proof enough that we’re not all bad. Can’t the bloody decimation wait until we’ve developed stupid-seeking missiles?

  35. [re=399829]Unindicted Co-Conspirator[/re]: Got that number off Wikipedia, which noted it was from the 2000 Census, one of those socialist government make-work-by-counting-people programs, so take that number with a grain of salt or a Lone Star long neck (your choice).

  36. Meh. Any cause that draws a smaller crowd than your average middle-school soccer game is not one I’m going to waste a lot of time thinking about. These folks are about as representative of Texans as the naked cowboy in Times Square is representative of New Yorkers. Oh, shut up, New Yorkers, you are not that fucking cool.

  37. [re=399877]Baconbits[/re]: Awright, that makes him MORE representative of New Yorkers.

    Now for some REAL Fuck America action, y’all should attend/contribute to <a href=<this.

  38. [re=399738]Jim89048[/re]: “past, present and future”- I assume you’re talking about USS Cybortagus Gonzolas. My favorite S-Class destroyer BTW.

  39. During President Reagan’s S&L crisis, the Federal government spent a whole ton of money bailing our bad real estate deals in Texas.

    And this is the thanks we get?

    This time around, you jokers can spend your own money making it right!

    What’s that? You lost it all? And that’s why you’re now in trouble?

    Oh, Geez. That’s just a durn shame…

    You betcha!

  40. [re=399840]assistant/atlas[/re]: I LOVE that idea. They could have a bunch of states go through a series of challenges- like basic science, history, economics, or geography questions and maybe a few physical challenges too like any sort of physical activity and the winning state gets immunity and gets to vote off other states. Of course, some of those states might have an advantage if there were challenges involving how to fry pancakes, college football, or misquoting Jesus but I think it could still work.

  41. [re=399731]InsidiousTuna[/re]:

    On your first day, drive a bit further east than just the Tx-La border. Lake Charles is pretty craptastic if you are in I-10. Way up north on I-20, Shreveport worth driving fast through, as well.

  42. Screw the F-18’s. Deploy a couple of B-2 bombers and nuke everything south of …oh, let’s say San Antonio and DFW. Create a nice irradiated buffer zone, which will save money on the immigration security fence.

    Done and done.

    Also… Did some one in that crowd shout “Remember Waco?”

  43. I love living here because I fuck with people like these every single day. They’re almost too easy. Poor things. They’ll believe just about anything you tell them, as long as it involves Democrats being evil and coming after their guns and grandbabies and such (for the gay indoctrination).

  44. You know after listening to those speeches, I am getting the impression Dubya’s accent wasn’t legit. I am also saddened that no one said “If frogs had side pockets, they’d carry a gun” – Dan Rather being Texan.

  45. [re=399781]The Cold Sea[/re]: No, you misunderstand; the F-18s wouldn’t be bombing them because we’re trying to keep them, we’d be bombing them because they’d be a new Latin American country, and the Monroe Doctrine requires that we bomb the living fuck out of those Hispanophones.

  46. They don’t need to secede. All four dozen of those douchebags should stake out a corner of a WalMart parking lot and go ahead and start their country. I’ll park over yonder and not bother them any more.

  47. [re=399898]Terry[/re]: IMO, I-10 from the Texas line east is a smooth drive and downright scenic in places (St. John the Baptist and St. Charles comes to mind). It doesn’t really start to turn into a hellhole until you pass I-310 and start getting into Jeff Parish. Metairie to pretty much Slidell is just a big bunch of suck.

    And I’m talking about before Katrina.

  48. I feel I must apologize for these morons. It’s hard to pinpoint the exact time and place when these idiots lost their minds…I think it might have been the mid 90s. I can tell you that despite the coverage, these people are regards as bat shit crazy by the bulk of us (Texans).

    You folks can really help us out by supporting Kinky Friedman and other like minded people in the vein of Ann and Molly.

    Remember Waco? What the fuck? The only thing good to come out of Waco is Dr. Pepper.

  49. [re=399738]Jim89048[/re]: The WW1-era USS Texas (BB-35) will be refloated and rechristened the IRTN (Imperial Republic of Tejas Navy) Hofheinz…and immediately sent to the bottom of Galveston Bay by sorties out of NAS/JRB New Orleans.

  50. [re=399756]Baconcat[/re]: Obama will supplied the isolated Austin outpost, via a Berlin Airlift-style ops. Arugula supplies will not be disrupted due to air-superiority over “sesesh” rabble F4s, F104s…

  51. My husband suggested we broker a deal with Canada and send them to northern Sasketchewan. Then force Sarah Palin to be the president, and make sure she has no travel budget.

  52. [re=399840]assistant/atlas[/re]: I’m cool with giving them Texas with an option for Arkansas. I’d humbly ask that we keep Austin for the music scene and bbq. We could support it Berlin airlift style.

    If we go this route, I’d totally support an anti-immigrant fence, whatever the cost.

    Thanks in advance.

  53. [re=399813]Maxine of Arc[/re]: It’s a variation on the old carnad to the effect that “Oakies are proof that Texans fuck buffalos.”

    Or something.

    Gesh, don’t ask me. All I know is that the Irish are the only racially pure demographic on the planet.

    Because no one will fuck us. Not even ourselves.

    (“Fuck us” as opposed to “fuck us up,” of course. The latter happens with distressing frequency.)

  54. Right on! But, you know, you can’t just declare independence right off the bat, you gotta be strateegic about it. Maybe start small, gather all the true believers into a fortified compound, then start issuing your demands to the federal authorities.

  55. [re=399907]Guppy06[/re]: ACORN + millions of pissed off latino voters (Recuerda Sotomayor!) , we’ll make cabrito tacos out these teabaggers in 2010,2012. Take a look at that fat fuck, he’s a walking fiesta.

  56. I wish Molly Ivans was alive to see this.

    Please tell the good people of Austin they’re welcome in ,Madison.

    Willie Nelson can stay at my place… cough.

  57. [re=400033]grevillea[/re]: Towards the beginning of this video, you can hear someone in the crowd yell “Remember Waco!” The wacco’s in Waco – that one certainly worked out well, didn’t it? As I recall, their problem wasn’t not having enough guns and ammo…

  58. [re=399901]friendlyskies[/re]: suggested this to a commentor on video:

    @ razzguy:
    But then again…
    Think of all the money that WON’T be flowing into TX. And they’ll soon enough become our biggest trading partner if they don’t want to completely deplete all their natural resources within a single generation.

  59. People, People…

    Texas leaves, there is a civil war there over who is in charge, ZZ Top gets involved, everyone thinks they are Mullahs, and of course, they produce oil and natural gas so, naturally we have to send troops we get bogged down, all of a sudden it is Texasistan.
    Think before you wish for this.

  60. [re=400027]Neilist[/re]: I hate to break it to you, but the Irish are a lower form of primate between the orangutan and chimpanzee. It’s science.

  61. [re=400172]Lazy Media[/re]: No wonder Mr. Muggles won’t let me get past “first base.” And he kept telling me that he was saving himself for Micheal Jackson. Lying bitch.

  62. Let me get this straight – because a state is not in agreement with the present government and wants to secede (incidentally – I do not agree with that move) the prevailing solution on this thread is to nuke them – your own countrymen? Not hard to see who will be signing up voluntarily for the National Nark on Your Neighbor, Family and Friends Security Civillian Force. Listen to yourself – you think torturing terrorists is horrific, yet you want to bomb your own countrymen. Man that kool-aid is powerful stuff.

  63. [re=400233]on2u[/re]: hehe Yeah….but not for the one’s that would die immediately, rather for those who would live long enough to develop radiation sickness and die a long, agonizing death. You could be among them.

  64. In all the years of my life, I have encountered some moronic, shit for brains idiots, and in general some pretty stupid people. Is is a coincidence that just about all of the idiots have been from the south? I think not. For the last eight years, all I have heard was the right screaming at me, If you don’t like this country, then get the hell out.”

    Well guess what idiots. You lost. You lost. I know y’all have limited cognitive resources, but what it means is that it’s time for you to shut your fucking cake holes, and listen to the people who actually won the elections. Now you want to destroy our government! You don’t have to secede from our country, you need only leave. Yes, just leave. Now I’m trying to put this in terms even a Texan wingnut can understand. Pack up all of your belonging and move to whatever wingnut Shangri La that exists only in your schizophrenic version of government.

    I have to concur with an earlier poster that as you are leaving, do OUR country a huge favor. Please, each and every Texan wingnut take at least one Oklahoma wingnut with you.

    To the Texas and Oklahoma residents that are not suffering from racial schizophrenia, I would ask you ignore my comments. You are victims of these right wing whack jobs and are suffering along with the rest of us.

    Like the cartoon character declares, “What a bunch of maroons.”

    “IF YOU DON’T LIKE MY COUNTRY, THEN GET THE HELL OUT.” What! Are you still here?

  65. [re=400233]on2u[/re]: Thanks, first time caller! You’re not from around here, are ya pardner?

    Yes, the snark flows freely here. I don’t know that anyone wants to nuke Texas, really (I am sure those who disagree will weigh in now).

    However, a figurative fiscal nuking is just fine. This asshats want to leave the republic? Good. No more Texas presidents (Even LBJ turned out to be a mess). No more of the zillions of federal subsidies for all the shit we subsidize there.

    Oh, sure, they have the oil. Yup. So they nationalize the oil companies in Texas (so much for all that Liberty crap). The thing is, the US of America army would move in like greased lightening and seize all the oil fields, leaving the Tejas Rail-Road Commission with nothing left to do except issue a fatwa against standard gauge, or something equally effective.

    It’s not just these assclowns who piss of the rest of US of Americans–it’s the idea that they are more American than America, and that we should all bow down to their notion of liberty, hook line and sinker, which includes executing innocent people and dragging blacks behind trucks. “Oh, not all Texans are like that.” Which is true. But they constantly, as a polity, elevate to power people who aren’t fit to haul my garbage to high state and, God help me, national office. Bottom line: I don’t think Texas really should succeed. But would we miss them? Miss who?

  66. [re=400233]on2u[/re]: Hey, don’t look at me. I’m just your friendly Russian spy sent here to steal the blueprints to your Trucknutz! I don’t got no nukes in my pocket – I’m just that happy to see you!

  67. [re=399795]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: I resemble that remark.

    BONUS: He actually is from my home-state. Sure, Racine, Wisc., but we can’t all be great. & certainly, that humiliating origin — coupled, possibly, to going to Horlick High-School — fuelled his foray into gonzo. & glad we are for that.

  68. I say we use the same game plan from 1859-1860. We let the idiots get all riled up. Heck, we can even feed them a little false information, like Obama’s a secret muslim communist Hitler-lover who wants death panels to kill grandma or some other such silliness. And then we let them secede. And then we wait.

    And wait.

    And wait.

    And while we’re waiting we sign a mutual defense pact with Mexico.

    And finally, even after they’ve seceded. Even after they’ve created their own wacko (Waco?) utopia, they still won’t be happy. They’ve got to feel oppressed, and sooner or later they’ll make their mistake.

    They’ll attack a US military installation. We invade from the north, east and west. Mexico posts troops on the southern border. Two days later we sign an armistice making Austin an autonomous region and giving the rest of the state back to Mexico for 10 years of cheap oil.

    Adios Muchachos!

  69. [re=400233]on2u[/re]: It is they who hate America and don’t want to be Americans. They have shown disdain for our Constitution and only shown bad faith when people try bipartisanship. Fortunately for them, I am a pacifist and support Freedom for them to build a country that suits them. Let the right build their Galtian Theocracy in Texas. My solution is to just build a wall on the Texas-US border as I am concerned about the integrity of our borders. If you don’t want to be an American because Hopey is president, just go. If you want to “Go Galt” don’t let the door hit where the good lord split ya. Republicans and right wing nutters have done enough damage to America, they have simply wore out their welcome. Let them show us how they can survive on their own bootstraps without tax dollars from the liberal coasts. Let them see what it is like to have to pay a coyote to get them to the upper 48 for a job, once we sell Texas to Mexico. ICE raids for wingers!

  70. If Texas leaves, then New Mexico can get it’s water back. Also, we can build more dams for clean energy and to keep America’s water out of Texas. We don’t even need fighter planes. They can just choke on their desert dust and subsist on the memories or the days when they produced oil…

Comments are closed.

Previous articleLast Days of Eating and Drinking Bliss Before You Have to Do Real Stuff Again
Next articleEliot Spitzer Might Be Doing Things, Political Things, In The Future Sometime