plots against the innocent

A Children’s Treasury Of Endlessly Quotable Quotes From Blagojevich’s New Book

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His hair is innocent too!Book publishing and sociopathy collide in a BIG WAY this morning, as America is treated to its first glimpses of The Governor, the upcoming kunstlerroman from foul-mouthed ex-Monkee Rod Blagojevich. There is so much to love about this book already, and it is barely even ghostwritten: “Blagojevich writes that his guiding thought in selecting a new senator was, ‘How much do I love the people of Illinois?'” Ooh! Follow-up sub-question: Is it still accurate to call it a “tell-all” if it is all lies?

This book is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against Blagojevich. Here is some of what we have to look forward to:

  • “[US Attorney Patrick J.] Fitzgerald didn’t stop a crime spree. He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people.”
  • “I never intended to sell the Senate seat”
  • “I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”
  • “unethical”

Oh sorry. RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT: Yeah so what happens in the end—and the beginning and the middle—is that Blagojevich didn’t do anything wrong and is, quite frankly, a little upset that anyone would even think he would have. Rod Blagojevich will wait, probably in prison, for his apology from America.

[LA Times]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • George Will&#39

    Can he parachute me a copy of the book from there?

  • McDuff

    Illinois political corruption — like Louisiana political corruption but without the funny accents.

  • magic titty

    Shouldn’t this come out in a two-fer with Sarah Palin’s fictional autobiography, “Straight Outta Wasilla: I Went To Six Colleges, Which Is Probably Five More Than You!”??

  • charlesdegoal

    In prison, no one is ever guilty of what they’re doing time for. However, they like to brag about things they did and didn’t get caught doing. Any of that stuff in Blago’s opus?

  • gjdodger

    Can he parachute me a copy of the book from there?

    Don’t be silly. This thing is fucking golden, and he’s not going to give it away for fucking nothing.

  • Oldskool

    He should sell his hair on ebay or his new friends in prison will use it as a face-handle when they show him THEIR luv.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=399456]McDuff[/re]: Depends on how you define funny accents.

  • Custersdeadhorse

    Rumor has it that the opus will contain a Forward by Hugo Chavez.

  • yargisbargis

    [re=399467]gjdodger[/re]: Nice! I hope he also updates us on new clues as to the identity of Nicole’s murderer, who is still out there.

  • Terry

    “I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”

    This is why people in Louisiana are happy that Illinois exists.

  • TGY

    Oh, man, Blago was completely innocent! I would’ve never have guessed.

  • groove

    “I never intended to sell the senate seat…but one thing led to another.”

  • converse

    Political Grudge Match: Ill Annoyers vs. Lousy Annas

  • Capricatony

    I don’t see what the big deal is. Has being a felon suddenly become disqualifying for reality TV stars?

  • thefrontpage

    Then there’s this surprising revelation in the book, in Chapter 13, “Other Govs and Me:”

    One of my most enjoyable weekends as governor was that quiet weekend in Cape May a few summers ago, when me, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Lindsay Lohan, Eliot Spitzer, Don Sherwood and Larry Craig all spent five relaxing days together in a beautifully restored turn-of-the-century Cape Cod house actually in Cape Cod. We all got along so well together! Certain people took care of certain things, and everything ran so smoothly—Larry cleaned the bathrooms, and he seemed to have a lot of experience doing that!; Don took care of making breakfast and the afternoon Bloody Marys!; Lindsay Lohan took care of the afternoon cigarette, beer, vodka, bourbon, gin and whiskey runs; Ann and Michelle provied the nightly entertainment, singing and dancing and performing excerpts from T.S. Eliot works; and Eliot provided the late-night entertainment! I don’t know where Eliot got those dancers, but they were excellent! And I was in charge of collecting donations for everything–I’m pretty darn good at that, if I may say so myself! And you would not believe the nude Twister games that we had at that house!”

  • SayItWithWookies

    I’m so glad to hear his investigation of himself is over and that he finds he’s completely exonerated. Has the entire Illinois legislature resigned in disgrace yet?

  • Elm Hugger

    I predict that he will be found guilty, go to prison, find God (Everyone finds God in prison, guess that is where he lives)and write another book once he is back in society, again making me proud that I live in Illinois the finest state of the union.

  • bobarmour

    Rod B is like the energizer bunny – he keeps going and going. His antics are tough to keep up with. Be amazed at all his wackiness on the Rod Blagojevich Timeline –

  • Woodwards Friend

    I think Free Blago should be the new right-wing cause. Patrick Fitzgerald is socialist. If he wasn’t, why does he work for the government instead of a private law firm?

  • Anita Cocktail

    Is it one of those “Touch and Feel” books, like “Pat the Bunny”? Because it would be cool if his book featured touchable hair.

  • Not_So_Much

    He’s got this thing, and this thing is fucking golden.

    Not his book, obvsly…

  • sezme

    One additional quote: “Congratulations, SKS! A baby is a fucking valuable thing.”

  • zhubajie

    Thank you, Blago, for reminding that the Demons are as fucked-up as the Reptiles!

  • villageatrois

    Big disappointment: I thought when Rahm said, “he’s dead to me” that he would be dead to all of us.

    And bad news, SEIU: the union bought the entire first pressing, and you’ll be getting your copies at Thanksgiving in lieu of a turkey.