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His hair is innocent too!Book publishing and sociopathy collide in a BIG WAY this morning, as America is treated to its first glimpses of The Governor, the upcoming kunstlerroman from foul-mouthed ex-Monkee Rod Blagojevich. There is so much to love about this book already, and it is barely even ghostwritten: “Blagojevich writes that his guiding thought in selecting a new senator was, ‘How much do I love the people of Illinois?'” Ooh! Follow-up sub-question: Is it still accurate to call it a “tell-all” if it is all lies?

This book is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against Blagojevich. Here is some of what we have to look forward to:

  • “[US Attorney Patrick J.] Fitzgerald didn’t stop a crime spree. He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people.”
  • “I never intended to sell the Senate seat”
  • “I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”
  • “unethical”

Oh sorry. RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT: Yeah so what happens in the end—and the beginning and the middle—is that Blagojevich didn’t do anything wrong and is, quite frankly, a little upset that anyone would even think he would have. Rod Blagojevich will wait, probably in prison, for his apology from America.

[LA Times]

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24 COMMENTS

  1. Shouldn’t this come out in a two-fer with Sarah Palin’s fictional autobiography, “Straight Outta Wasilla: I Went To Six Colleges, Which Is Probably Five More Than You!”??

  2. In prison, no one is ever guilty of what they’re doing time for. However, they like to brag about things they did and didn’t get caught doing. Any of that stuff in Blago’s opus?

  3. Can he parachute me a copy of the book from there?

    Don’t be silly. This thing is fucking golden, and he’s not going to give it away for fucking nothing.

  4. “I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”

    This is why people in Louisiana are happy that Illinois exists.

  5. Then there’s this surprising revelation in the book, in Chapter 13, “Other Govs and Me:”

    One of my most enjoyable weekends as governor was that quiet weekend in Cape May a few summers ago, when me, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Lindsay Lohan, Eliot Spitzer, Don Sherwood and Larry Craig all spent five relaxing days together in a beautifully restored turn-of-the-century Cape Cod house actually in Cape Cod. We all got along so well together! Certain people took care of certain things, and everything ran so smoothly—Larry cleaned the bathrooms, and he seemed to have a lot of experience doing that!; Don took care of making breakfast and the afternoon Bloody Marys!; Lindsay Lohan took care of the afternoon cigarette, beer, vodka, bourbon, gin and whiskey runs; Ann and Michelle provied the nightly entertainment, singing and dancing and performing excerpts from T.S. Eliot works; and Eliot provided the late-night entertainment! I don’t know where Eliot got those dancers, but they were excellent! And I was in charge of collecting donations for everything–I’m pretty darn good at that, if I may say so myself! And you would not believe the nude Twister games that we had at that house!”

  6. I’m so glad to hear his investigation of himself is over and that he finds he’s completely exonerated. Has the entire Illinois legislature resigned in disgrace yet?

  7. I predict that he will be found guilty, go to prison, find God (Everyone finds God in prison, guess that is where he lives)and write another book once he is back in society, again making me proud that I live in Illinois the finest state of the union.

  8. I think Free Blago should be the new right-wing cause. Patrick Fitzgerald is socialist. If he wasn’t, why does he work for the government instead of a private law firm?

  9. Big disappointment: I thought when Rahm said, “he’s dead to me” that he would be dead to all of us.

    And bad news, SEIU: the union bought the entire first pressing, and you’ll be getting your copies at Thanksgiving in lieu of a turkey.

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