PLOTS AGAINST THE INNOCENT  9:54 am September 1, 2009

A Children’s Treasury Of Endlessly Quotable Quotes From Blagojevich’s New Book

by Juli Weiner

His hair is innocent too!Book publishing and sociopathy collide in a BIG WAY this morning, as America is treated to its first glimpses of The Governor, the upcoming kunstlerroman from foul-mouthed ex-Monkee Rod Blagojevich. There is so much to love about this book already, and it is barely even ghostwritten: “Blagojevich writes that his guiding thought in selecting a new senator was, ‘How much do I love the people of Illinois?’” Ooh! Follow-up sub-question: Is it still accurate to call it a “tell-all” if it is all lies?

This book is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against Blagojevich. Here is some of what we have to look forward to:

  • “[US Attorney Patrick J.] Fitzgerald didn’t stop a crime spree. He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people.”
  • “I never intended to sell the Senate seat”
  • “I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”
  • “unethical”

Oh sorry. RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT: Yeah so what happens in the end—and the beginning and the middle—is that Blagojevich didn’t do anything wrong and is, quite frankly, a little upset that anyone would even think he would have. Rod Blagojevich will wait, probably in prison, for his apology from America.

[LA Times]

 
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{ 24 comments }

George Will' September 1, 2009 at 10:03 am

Can he parachute me a copy of the book from there?

McDuff September 1, 2009 at 10:05 am

Illinois political corruption — like Louisiana political corruption but without the funny accents.

magic titty September 1, 2009 at 10:07 am

Shouldn’t this come out in a two-fer with Sarah Palin’s fictional autobiography, “Straight Outta Wasilla: I Went To Six Colleges, Which Is Probably Five More Than You!”??

charlesdegoal September 1, 2009 at 10:08 am

In prison, no one is ever guilty of what they’re doing time for. However, they like to brag about things they did and didn’t get caught doing. Any of that stuff in Blago’s opus?

gjdodger September 1, 2009 at 10:09 am

Can he parachute me a copy of the book from there?

Don’t be silly. This thing is fucking golden, and he’s not going to give it away for fucking nothing.

Oldskool September 1, 2009 at 10:11 am

He should sell his hair on ebay or his new friends in prison will use it as a face-handle when they show him THEIR luv.

hobospacejunkie September 1, 2009 at 10:13 am

[re=399456]McDuff[/re]: Depends on how you define funny accents.

Custersdeadhorse September 1, 2009 at 10:17 am

Rumor has it that the opus will contain a Forward by Hugo Chavez.

yargisbargis September 1, 2009 at 10:24 am

[re=399467]gjdodger[/re]: Nice! I hope he also updates us on new clues as to the identity of Nicole’s murderer, who is still out there.

Terry September 1, 2009 at 10:29 am

“I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”

This is why people in Louisiana are happy that Illinois exists.

TGY September 1, 2009 at 10:31 am

Oh, man, Blago was completely innocent! I would’ve never have guessed.

groove September 1, 2009 at 10:36 am

“I never intended to sell the senate seat…but one thing led to another.”

converse September 1, 2009 at 10:37 am

Political Grudge Match: Ill Annoyers vs. Lousy Annas

Capricatony September 1, 2009 at 10:54 am

I don’t see what the big deal is. Has being a felon suddenly become disqualifying for reality TV stars?

thefrontpage September 1, 2009 at 10:58 am

Then there’s this surprising revelation in the book, in Chapter 13, “Other Govs and Me:”

One of my most enjoyable weekends as governor was that quiet weekend in Cape May a few summers ago, when me, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Lindsay Lohan, Eliot Spitzer, Don Sherwood and Larry Craig all spent five relaxing days together in a beautifully restored turn-of-the-century Cape Cod house actually in Cape Cod. We all got along so well together! Certain people took care of certain things, and everything ran so smoothly—Larry cleaned the bathrooms, and he seemed to have a lot of experience doing that!; Don took care of making breakfast and the afternoon Bloody Marys!; Lindsay Lohan took care of the afternoon cigarette, beer, vodka, bourbon, gin and whiskey runs; Ann and Michelle provied the nightly entertainment, singing and dancing and performing excerpts from T.S. Eliot works; and Eliot provided the late-night entertainment! I don’t know where Eliot got those dancers, but they were excellent! And I was in charge of collecting donations for everything–I’m pretty darn good at that, if I may say so myself! And you would not believe the nude Twister games that we had at that house!”

SayItWithWookies September 1, 2009 at 11:07 am

I’m so glad to hear his investigation of himself is over and that he finds he’s completely exonerated. Has the entire Illinois legislature resigned in disgrace yet?

Elm Hugger September 1, 2009 at 11:16 am

I predict that he will be found guilty, go to prison, find God (Everyone finds God in prison, guess that is where he lives)and write another book once he is back in society, again making me proud that I live in Illinois the finest state of the union.

bobarmour September 1, 2009 at 11:42 am

Rod B is like the energizer bunny – he keeps going and going. His antics are tough to keep up with. Be amazed at all his wackiness on the Rod Blagojevich Timeline – http://timelines.com/topics/rod-blagojevich.

Woodwards Friend September 1, 2009 at 11:42 am

I think Free Blago should be the new right-wing cause. Patrick Fitzgerald is socialist. If he wasn’t, why does he work for the government instead of a private law firm?

Anita Cocktail September 1, 2009 at 12:17 pm

Is it one of those “Touch and Feel” books, like “Pat the Bunny”? Because it would be cool if his book featured touchable hair.

Not_So_Much September 1, 2009 at 12:52 pm

He’s got this thing, and this thing is fucking golden.

Not his book, obvsly…

sezme September 1, 2009 at 2:18 pm

One additional quote: “Congratulations, SKS! A baby is a fucking valuable thing.”

zhubajie September 1, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Thank you, Blago, for reminding that the Demons are as fucked-up as the Reptiles!

villageatrois September 2, 2009 at 6:30 am

Big disappointment: I thought when Rahm said, “he’s dead to me” that he would be dead to all of us.

And bad news, SEIU: the union bought the entire first pressing, and you’ll be getting your copies at Thanksgiving in lieu of a turkey.

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