RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  4:00 pm August 27, 2009

Jim Inhofe Didn’t Even Read ‘Harry Potter,’ But He Still Hates Mudbloods

by Riley Waggaman

  • Ken Layne reviews Infinite Jest, or some other book. [Las Vegas Weekly]
  • Honestly, there’s really no point in reading something you’ve already been paid to vote against. [Think Progess]
  • Convicts need their stimulus checks just as much as the next guy. How else can they afford to have The Club™ surgically installed in their pooper? [RedState]
  • Your children will be brainwashed with Mao’s Little Red Book, and then they will coerce you into participating in the Census. [Michelle Malkin]
  • The problem with investigating torture is that it might have a “chilling effect” on torture! [Matt Yglesias]
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Hola wonkerados.

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slappypaddy August 27, 2009 at 4:08 pm

there’s been a misunderstanding. it’s not mao’s little red book that’s going to be used, it’s the little red hen, which as everyone knows is an islamo-fascist-socialist screed published during the darkest days of the new deal.

teebob2000 August 27, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Ah, lovely Michelle. Opt out of the census. Keep spreading it and that way, ultra-conservatard districts will be gerrymandered out of existence because of incorrectly low census numbers.

Humpback August 27, 2009 at 4:16 pm

I don’t need to read your posts, Riley, to vote against them. (Well, not really vote against them. More like add the snarky comment you left out.)

V572625694 August 27, 2009 at 4:17 pm

What is this, the New York fucking Review of Books?

Come back, Ken! None of your true fans has a 900-word* attention span!

*Actually clipboarded the article into Word and counted. Ken’s a pro!

RoscoePColtraine August 27, 2009 at 4:20 pm

I got hung up in the first sentence at RedState. Something like “when you start handing out money, you must by necessity lose track of where it goes.” The point is made in such a way that there can be no possible way to dispute it. Lazy thinkers just take it at face value. *sigh*

GreatOldOnesParty August 27, 2009 at 4:28 pm

I remember him!
Lesbian schoolgirls and all.
I’ll be sure to send him an assload of Yuri manga, but he probably wouldn’t read it even if it does have pictures.

MOG August 27, 2009 at 4:29 pm

So, what, less than .00001% of the Fed’s money went awry? Not like when we had the no-bid Halliburton contracts and millions went where????? Oh, yeah to Cheney and friends.

Dean Booth August 27, 2009 at 4:33 pm

Wonketeers, will you vote for me in the New Yorker caption contest? Thanks.

Dean Booth, Votewhore

CorkPopper August 27, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Wait a minute, what kind of publication is this Las Vegas Weekly where you are allowed to criticize America’s addition to a “gambling lifestyle”? Won’t they be coming for you, Ken?

charlesdegoal August 27, 2009 at 4:42 pm

It’s chilling to the extend that people become apprehensive whenever others are apprehended.

mollymcguire August 27, 2009 at 4:45 pm

[re=396745]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “See, conservatives are in the habit of pointing out that when you start handing out money, you start losing track of where it goes (or at least, losing the ability to defend where it goes with a straight face).”

True. When the Dick/ Jr. administration was handing out money, it all of the government’s money went to Brown & Root. Thus the money went to conservatives, and it became their money. Therefore, they knew what to do with it, and the government did not have to keep track of it. See, it is simple.

MGBYG August 27, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Is suicide an Infinite Jest?

And is “chilling” one of the redacted forms of torture?

GreenHalo August 27, 2009 at 4:50 pm

A fellow I know used to sell real estate in Las Venturas, but was induced to load up the kin and move to Mogadishu a few years ago when he got a better job offer. The stories, the genuinely bizarre stories… like a cross between Canadian politics and the Bataan Death March, lightly dusted with many, many more Mormons than any reasonable person might expect, or even believe without direct and lengthy observation.

His verdict: New Orleans in the desert, times ten. Turn off the water and/or increase energy prices by about a third and the whole place will turn into a Mad Max DMZ in two years flat.

Actually, that’s his sober estimation. His verdict, or rather his judgement, is that anyone who won’t literally be hunted down and killed by mobsters for trying to leave, should leave — don’t pack, don’t forward the mail, just grab all human relatives and a change of clothes and leave town at once. But of course nobody will.

heroinmule August 27, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Riley, are you trying to get yourself a stalker? I cannot resist a man who reads DFW.

grevillea August 27, 2009 at 5:23 pm

You missed Michelle’s main conclusion! Everyone who fills out a census form has to teach a preschooler to masturbate, then report for a compulsory UN abortion. Why is the UN committing genocide against preborn wingnuts?

zhubajie August 27, 2009 at 5:45 pm

[re=396799]GreenHalo[/re]: That’s more or less how I feel about the whole US, which I am convinced is heading for civil war.

fatherfigure August 27, 2009 at 5:49 pm

Ken Layne reviews Infinite Jest–NOT NICE TO LIE.

Big Letdown, Big Depression.

chascates August 27, 2009 at 6:16 pm

What is so friggin’ scary about the Census? Do any of these nuts have an idea of what marketers and credit agencies know about them? Let alone Bush’s program of eavesdropping?

Native of SL UT August 27, 2009 at 6:23 pm

What is with these wingnuts and the census? Don’t they realize if they undercount the rightwingers, the Feds will take away their districts and give it to a bunch of socialist lefties?

DustBowlBlues August 27, 2009 at 6:31 pm

Well, isn’t this a win-win for me, and fuck you very much, Young Riley.

First, I think Ken has done a cliff notes version of the cliff notes version of Infinite Jest, so I don’t need to. No such luck.

Then, I read something from that absolutely vile moron, Jim Inhofe.

BTW- David Foster Wallace, did he really look as much like Christian Kane from Leverage as DFW did in his pictures?

AKAM80TheWolf August 27, 2009 at 9:19 pm

We need to know if he likes and participates in the human rite-of-passage known as Mudbutt.

SocialistMuslin August 28, 2009 at 12:22 am


Oh it’s not that bad. Just jack a car and drive for about 5 minutes and you’ll be running over prostitutes in San Fierro soon enough anyway. Sheesh!

GreenHalo August 28, 2009 at 12:40 am

[re=396866]zhubajie[/re]: America is surely fucked, but Mutual Assured Destruction was always a theory with nukes, unlike the thorough demonstrations it has undergone in economics. I’d rather be a prole in a bankrupt America under martial law than an ausländer English teacher in Asia, of all places, on the day a bankrupt America declares martial law.

Speaking of waking up one morning and finding out you’re expendable, I should be fair about the LV-NO comparison: a major port at the mouth of one of the world’s Really Big Rivers, which carries traffic damn near from the northern border to the sea and back, is a wee bit more important than a shiny plastic/neon vibrator in the Great American Desert. (L.A. pumping water to Vegas has always reminded me of Cuba sending military and economic aid to its African finger puppets.) And we’ve seen the near-total indifference America has shown to the demolition and poisoning of New Orleans. Harry Reid is not going to be able to whip Congress into emergency aid for a gambling den, to put it very mildly. …Assuming his worthless punk ass is still in Congress when the sand-and-temperature levee breaks, which is possible, and not in a good way.

GreenHalo August 28, 2009 at 12:58 am

[re=397028]SocialistMuslin[/re]: Real men have the San Andreas Tedium Remover running on the second monitor, and just teleport to wherever the fighting is least tedious. God, imagine trying to play Pac-Man if the yellow guy burst into flames and exploded every time he had to make a 90 degree turn while being chased. Blah.

bjkeefe August 28, 2009 at 2:30 am

(Special snark-free comment … can I get a shoutout from Denby?)

Good book review, Ken.

LoweredPeninsula August 28, 2009 at 5:34 am

[re=396799]GreenHalo[/re]: Bwahaha!

But, seriously, Vegas is a very strange city. The Mormon influence, which no one outside the Valley seems to know exists, is bizarre, and then you’ve got your usual libertarian rural dwellers on the edge of the city in their compounds, and the multi-nationally-ran Strip. It’s like Alice in Wonderland on crack cocaine.

facehead August 28, 2009 at 8:40 am

Did Mr. Layne lose his gig with AOL? Why does AOL hate America?

GreatOldOnesParty August 28, 2009 at 8:55 am

[re=396898]chascates[/re]: and it’s not like those credit agencies, like insurance companies, have any major impact on their lives or anything.

For as much as the wingtardz love the private sector they seem to be completely blind to its existence.

Accordion-o-rama August 28, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Talk about your reusable headline:

Jim Inhofe didn’t even read _____________ but still hates ________________

the prophet of Deseret August 28, 2009 at 1:38 pm

I can only hope that the inevitable, spectacular implosion of Las Vegas involves the missionaries with their little Mo bicycles battling Quebecois wheelchair assassins. This is the vision that Riley’s pointer has put into my head, anyway, and I am sticking with it.

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