Remaining Living Kennedys Just Suck

  America's royals are as lame as Britain's royals

Sorry but you are lameRemember when all the Kennedys were handsome and noble and square of jaw? They still have the jaw thing but everything else about them is crappy and disappointing. Join us as we walk through the Rogue’s Gallery of Remaining Kennedys and reflect on the Death of Camelot, etc.

New York Post DC bureau chief Charles Hurt observes that each living Kennedy sucks in his or her own unique way:

  • Caroline: A failure of a would-be politician whose overreliance on a certain verbal crutch completely ruined her hopes of ever becoming a senator, which should be about as easy for a Kennedy as passing 7th grade is for the rest of us.
  • Robert Jr.: Insane conspiracy theorist who writes nutty articles about Ohio and has a voice like a Hepburn.
  • Joe II: Who even knows who this guy is?
  • Patrick: An affable Ambien fiend whose leisure activities used to include driving his car into jersey barriers outside the Capitol.

Basically, there are no good Kennedys left except for this guy, Massachusetts State Senator Robert O’Leary, who isn’t even an official Kennedy, but COME ON.

KENNEDY CLAN IS DOWN TO ITS DREGS [New York Post]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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78 comments

  1. Humpback

    Joe II gives away heating oil he gets free from his friend Hugo Chavez. (BTW, Hugo also owns and maintains that big CITGO neon sign outside Fenway Park, where the BoSox play.)

    And thus all politics is local.

  2. tootsieroll

    Dude! JOE 4 OIL!!!1!11 Joe knew to get the fuck out of politics before he became a statistic, and does non-profit.

    WTF has Chuck Hurt ever done?

  3. V572625694

    What about Maria Schreiver-Schwarzenegger? She’s really nice looking, in a cadaverous sort of way. So there’s that.

  4. New Wave Phlebotomist

    …and has a voice like a Hepburn.

    It is well known to anyone who read the Wired Scott Adams piece that RFKJR suffers from Spasmodic Dysphonia. Were it merely an affectation, it would be cool. But this is WAY cooler.

  5. hobospacejunkie

    Robert Jr. Looks creepily like his father. He suffers from spasmodic dysphonia (used to be called spastic dysphonia,) like Diane Rehm. I had a girlfriend once with the same condition. Regardless, or perhaps due to, I can’t stand listening to either of them speak.

  6. nappyduggs

    Mayhap this has been pointed out, but Camelot experienced its sexiest losses early on. Joe Jr. had the kind of a face you just wanted to sit on, and Rosemary, well, you know. Trig.

    RIP, Teddy.

  7. mrwizzy

    Come on folks, Jammie Kennedy’s comic genius can’t be overlooked. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

  8. Neoyorquino

    Just wait another twenty or thirty years when we are down to the Kennedy cousins — Brittny Luanne, Floyd, and Melvin.

  9. pondscum

    Christopher Kennedy (son of RFK and looks like it) was just appointed to the University of Illinois Board of Trustees. So he should be going down in flames any moment now.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    [re=396174]magic titty[/re]: That’s the nice thing about America — when our dynasties get inbred, overprivileged or just plain lazy we can vote them out. In other countries they don’t know what to do with them so they enshrine the damn addled hemophiliacs.

  11. freakishlystrong

    I’m very sure the remaining Kennedy’s, though lame, probably are not digging being referred to as “dregs”.

  12. BigDupa

    Lincoln Kennedy was one tough MF’er for the Raiders. Anybody named after two Presidents has got the goods.

  13. germansteel

    More proof, if any was needed, to keep the estate (death) tax.

    Won’t hear any Republicans saying that, even though they are the first to ridicule the Kennedy clan Next Generation.

  14. New Wave Phlebotomist

    [re=396195]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Yeah, there’s that parcel of missing time between the onset of a comment and its publication. Virtual comment pairs are created and annihilated.

  15. ChernobylSoup v2

    Charles Hurt’s family, however, has taken the opposite trajectory. After realizing what a douche senior Charles is, all his children and nieces and nephews resolved to become decidedly non-douchey.

  16. Neilist

    The caption for that touching picture?

    “Psst! Psst! John-John: DON’T violate VFR flight rules! Regardless of how much your bitch model wife-to-be, and her equally spoiled sister, want to get to Martha’s Vineyard after shopping all day in NYC. Gravity DOESN’T care that you’re a Kennedy: Uncle Joe and Uncle Teddy already know.

    Oh, and ‘George’ is a stupid idea for a magazine.”

    (I hope that clears it up for you.)

  17. Neoyorquino

    By the way, who named the image file for Robert O’Leary’s picture? “Headshot?” Seriously?

  18. Nerdalicious

    I think we need to look to the youngins’ there are a lot of them. Also, I like Kathleen Kennedy Townsend. She wrote a book about how the rethugs are such hypocrites about religion & they could give a crap about the poor and voiceless. “Failing Americas Faithful” She is geunine. Not a phony, & is intelligent & humble. She actually reminds me of her father, Bobby. http://www.amazon.com/Failing-Americas-Faithful-Churches-Politics/dp/0446577154
    picture with Ted
    http://insidecatholic.com/Joomla/images/70/townsend.jpg
    There’s got to be some young one out of all the gazillion grandchildren & great grandchildren who will rise from this gene pool & match past greatness. Count on it. There will be a shocking great speech by one of them someday at the Dem Convention & then they’ll take off from there.
    PS: the hurricane is getting more organized and turning westward so I’m not sure about this funeral on saturday.

  19. nbawriter

    [re=396225]Hart88[/re]: I’m guessing it was death by getting hit in the face with a frying pan, which is basically what I and pretty much anyone who ever saw her on MTV wanted to do to her when her lips parted.

  20. Cape Clod

    Another good thing about O’Leary is that he lives in a hilariously named Cape Cod village called Cummaquid.

  21. V572625694

    [re=396226]Neilist[/re]: You’re vicious, but you’re good. However, “VFR flight rules” would mean “visual flight rules flight rules,” right?

    Acronym/initialism nerds rule!

  22. Guppy06

    [re=396231]Nerdalicious[/re]: “There’s got to be some young one out of all the gazillion grandchildren & great grandchildren who will rise from this gene pool & match past greatness.”

    Why?

  23. Guppy06

    For all men being originally equals, no one by birth could have a right to set up his own family in perpetual preference to all others for ever, and though himself might deserve some decent degree of honors of his contemporaries, yet his descendants might be far too unworthy to inherit them. One of the strongest natural proofs of the folly of hereditary right in kings, is, that nature disapproves it, otherwise she would not so frequently turn it into ridicule by giving mankind an ass for a lion.

  24. FlownOver

    [re=396225]Hart88[/re]:
    I thought she was Grace Slick’s kid. Which would be kinda Camelot on acid.

    …oh, THAT one! Sorrynevmind.

  25. hiphophitler

    Maria Shriver would last about a week in politics until she accidentally impaled someone on one of her razor-sharp cheekbones. Then we’d get two weeks of media retrospectives on “People Killed by the Kennedys.”

  26. WadISay

    O/T, but Angie Dickenson is quoted as saying, of JFK’s lovemaking, “It was the best 20 seconds of my life.”

  27. krooskie

    [re=396189]hobospacejunkie[/re]: why is it that they both have radio shows if they sound like this

  28. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=396304]hiphophitler[/re]: If you thought MSNBC would be back to any semblance of regular programming today, you’d better think again. They’re done for the week.

  29. house of the blue lights

    [re=396212]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Chicago can already barely handle the wonderfulness of having its very own Kennedy, and is now trying to send him to the Senate (via the UofI Board of Trustees, the only Statewide body more corrupt than our legislature). Make it stop, now, thank you. Someone else’s turn.

  30. Paul Tardy

    The Kennedyz should have married more Hispanics. It’s not like you can’t find a Hispanic Catholic.

  31. President Beeblebrox

    THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS, sez the lolcat.

    Yes, all the good Boston Irish Dem politicians are gone, so we have to look beyond the grave…

    “Honey Fitz”/Tip O’Neill ’24!

  32. thefrontpage

    There are plenty of Kennedys to go around! Don’t forget these other notable, prominent and charismatic Kennedys:

    –Jedidiah “Dirt” Jenkins McGibbons Kennedy, who runs the McGibbons Kennedy Drag Strip in McGibbons, Kentucky. First cousin of Patrick’s. Said to be major candidate for Kentucky Agriculture or Transportation Secretary.

    –Maurie Stewart Daniel “Moneybags” Goldsteinberg Kennedy, who is the current patriarch of the little-talked-about, but very prominent, Jewish branch of the Kennedy family. Maurie runs the Goldsteinberg Kennedy Savings and Loan and Hedge Fund in Brooklyn, New York. Said to be a future candidate for U.S. Treasury Secretary.

    –Antonio Carlo “Revolver” Barzini Kennedy, who runs Dock #42 in New York City, heads the Local Dockworkers Union No. 42 in New York City, and also runs the very lucrative Antonio’s Pizza and Subs chain in Hoboken. Said to be a future candidate for either the New York General Assembly, or the New Jersey General Assembly, as soon as certain residency issues are taken care of.

    –Pedro “Chico” Gonzalez Kennedy, the Associate Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Domestic Hispanic and Latino Affairs, Bureau of Hispanic and Latino Affairs, Domestic Minority Populations Bureau, Office of the Undersecretary for Domestic Minority Populations, U.S. Department of State, Washington, D.C. Said to be a future candidate for President of the United States of America.

  33. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    More importantly, there are no Kennedys left where you’d say “I’d hit it”. Atleast the Bushes have Pierce.

  34. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=396176]V572625694[/re]: What did Stewie call her? A lovely exoskeleton? Something like that.

  35. CorkPopper

    [re=396284]Guppy06[/re]: I applaud your handiness with the perfect quote, sir (or madam). I will heretofore steal it whenever the Kennedys are mentioned.

  36. Aurelio

    [re=396176]V572625694[/re]: Maria Schreiver-Schwarzenegger has joined the ranks of the formerly cute.

  37. imissopus

    If only Caroline had been whispering to her brother, “Don’t ever take flying lessons, don’t ever take flying lessons…”

    Reading Neilist’s posts is having an unfortunate effect on me.

  38. imissopus

    Ha! I wrote my last post without having actually read through the comments to see Neilist had already written it. Great minds! And by great I mean low rent.

  39. gatorphred

    Whatever happened to that wayward Kennedy: Jayne Kennedy.

    And Leon Isaac Kennedy.

    Bastards left out of the will, they were.

  40. assistant/atlas

    [re=396235]Cape Clod[/re]: This fellow is easily the best new Kennedy since that they adopted Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well done, sir.

    [re=396235]Cape Clod[/re]: Yeah, but in Mass, they probably just pronounce Cummaquid like Corduroy or something, right?

  41. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=396406]Paul Tardy[/re]: Irish and Messicun. Two flavors that taste great together.

  42. Neilist

    [re=396268]V572625694[/re]: I would respond, but I have to go get some cash from the ATM machine.

    If I can remember my PIN number, that is.

    (“Vicious”? Moi? Say, rather . . . “truthful.” Although, “vicious” will do in a pinch.)

  43. Neilist

    [re=396494]imissopus[/re]: I have the same problem with Neilist’s posts. My recommendation is not to read them. I never do. (And I’m so low rent, I’m subletting the 7th Circle of Hell.)

  44. geminisunmars

    [re=396752]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: OMG OMG OMG
    I’m having a dizzy spell. He looks so, well, so Bushistic. NOOOOOOOO!

  45. 1ofUS

    Wonky’s cleavage tends to favor the evil tit (CIA/911 coverup) over the tastier tit (obvious conspiracy in 911 coverup). Whyfore has Wonky forsaken the good tit, whose milk is more pure of truth and sucked at the bad tit so hard, me wonders?

  46. LoweredPeninsula

    Wouldn’t it be hellishly terrific (in the historical sense of the word terrific) if the Bush and Kennedy familes interbred to great a super-family?

  47. Jed

    Kathleen Kennedy Townsend once referred to Bowie State as Coppin State, and then managed to exclaim she never knew the difference between a football and a touchdown. yikes.

  48. Terry

    [re=397315]Jed[/re]:

    Kathleen Kennedy Townsend also ran such a piss poor campaign for Governor of the State of Maryland that we ended up electing Ehrlich with Michael Steele as Lt Governor. Ehrlich/Steele tried to sell of state parks to their cronies, let chicken factory farms on the Eastern Shore dump poo in the waterways with wild abandon, and generally screwed up the State for four years. Ehrlich and Steele are directly responsible for the mess they left, but Townsend certainly facilitated their reign of malfeasance and cronyism.

  49. RiccotaCheeseImperator

    @nbawriter: That Kennedy is now the morning newswench on 98.7 FM in LA. Kinda weird, ’cause the station has no morning deejay . . .

  50. villageatrois

    JFK, RFK, and MLK were killed, along with John Lennon. There are apparently no living Kennedys even worth shooting at. Squeaky Fromme and the Lockerbie Bomber have been released from prison.

    Maybe the CIA has just become (yawn)… lazy….

  51. Vajayjay

    [re=397315]Jed[/re]: She was also my high school graduation speaker, during which speech she managed to call my school — Bethesda Chevy Chase — Beverly Chevy Chase. She did the Montgomery County circuit that year (2000), since she was running for Governor, so I heard the same canned speech at friends’ graduations, as well — although she managed to at least get their schools’ names right.

Comments are closed.