Remaining Living Kennedys Just Suck

by Sara K. Smith

Sorry but you are lameRemember when all the Kennedys were handsome and noble and square of jaw? They still have the jaw thing but everything else about them is crappy and disappointing. Join us as we walk through the Rogue’s Gallery of Remaining Kennedys and reflect on the Death of Camelot, etc.

New York Post DC bureau chief Charles Hurt observes that each living Kennedy sucks in his or her own unique way:

  • Caroline: A failure of a would-be politician whose overreliance on a certain verbal crutch completely ruined her hopes of ever becoming a senator, which should be about as easy for a Kennedy as passing 7th grade is for the rest of us.
  • Robert Jr.: Insane conspiracy theorist who writes nutty articles about Ohio and has a voice like a Hepburn.
  • Joe II: Who even knows who this guy is?
  • Patrick: An affable Ambien fiend whose leisure activities used to include driving his car into jersey barriers outside the Capitol.

Basically, there are no good Kennedys left except for this guy, Massachusetts State Senator Robert O’Leary, who isn’t even an official Kennedy, but COME ON.


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Humpback August 27, 2009 at 11:12 am

Joe II gives away heating oil he gets free from his friend Hugo Chavez. (BTW, Hugo also owns and maintains that big CITGO neon sign outside Fenway Park, where the BoSox play.)

And thus all politics is local.

magic titty August 27, 2009 at 11:12 am

Was just in the UK. Britain’s royals are better – they have better things.

tootsieroll August 27, 2009 at 11:13 am

Dude! JOE 4 OIL!!!1!11 Joe knew to get the fuck out of politics before he became a statistic, and does non-profit.

WTF has Chuck Hurt ever done?

V572625694 August 27, 2009 at 11:15 am

What about Maria Schreiver-Schwarzenegger? She’s really nice looking, in a cadaverous sort of way. So there’s that.

Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin August 27, 2009 at 11:18 am

alt alt text: NOM NOM NOM

New Wave Phlebotomist August 27, 2009 at 11:18 am

…and has a voice like a Hepburn.

It is well known to anyone who read the Wired Scott Adams piece that RFKJR suffers from Spasmodic Dysphonia. Were it merely an affectation, it would be cool. But this is WAY cooler.

hobospacejunkie August 27, 2009 at 11:23 am

Robert Jr. Looks creepily like his father. He suffers from spasmodic dysphonia (used to be called spastic dysphonia,) like Diane Rehm. I had a girlfriend once with the same condition. Regardless, or perhaps due to, I can’t stand listening to either of them speak.

aurb07 August 27, 2009 at 11:23 am

Not to mention the legion of Kennedys secretly sired in every boathouse in the western world.

nappyduggs August 27, 2009 at 11:23 am

Mayhap this has been pointed out, but Camelot experienced its sexiest losses early on. Joe Jr. had the kind of a face you just wanted to sit on, and Rosemary, well, you know. Trig.

RIP, Teddy.

hobospacejunkie August 27, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=396182]New Wave Phlebotomist[/re]: Uh, jinx, sort of. Yay for speech disorder nerds!

mrwizzy August 27, 2009 at 11:24 am

Come on folks, Jammie Kennedy’s comic genius can’t be overlooked. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Mr Blifil August 27, 2009 at 11:26 am

RFK, Jr.s kids are pretty hot, actually. So there’s that.

Neoyorquino August 27, 2009 at 11:26 am

Just wait another twenty or thirty years when we are down to the Kennedy cousins — Brittny Luanne, Floyd, and Melvin.

pondscum August 27, 2009 at 11:26 am

Christopher Kennedy (son of RFK and looks like it) was just appointed to the University of Illinois Board of Trustees. So he should be going down in flames any moment now.

SayItWithWookies August 27, 2009 at 11:28 am

[re=396174]magic titty[/re]: That’s the nice thing about America — when our dynasties get inbred, overprivileged or just plain lazy we can vote them out. In other countries they don’t know what to do with them so they enshrine the damn addled hemophiliacs.

snideinplainsight August 27, 2009 at 11:29 am

Yeah but the Dead Kennedys RAWK!!2!!

snideinplainsight August 27, 2009 at 11:30 am

Plus, this article leaves on Marlon, Tito and Jermaine. What kind of reporting is that?

freakishlystrong August 27, 2009 at 11:31 am

I’m very sure the remaining Kennedy’s, though lame, probably are not digging being referred to as “dregs”.

Voyou Charmant August 27, 2009 at 11:31 am

How did both Wonkette and Gawker overlook Bobby’s son, Christopher Kennedy?

BigDupa August 27, 2009 at 11:31 am

Lincoln Kennedy was one tough MF’er for the Raiders. Anybody named after two Presidents has got the goods.

germansteel August 27, 2009 at 11:33 am

More proof, if any was needed, to keep the estate (death) tax.

Won’t hear any Republicans saying that, even though they are the first to ridicule the Kennedy clan Next Generation.

New Wave Phlebotomist August 27, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=396195]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Yeah, there’s that parcel of missing time between the onset of a comment and its publication. Virtual comment pairs are created and annihilated.

WickedWitch August 27, 2009 at 11:39 am

[re=396189]hobospacejunkie[/re]: But he has the BEST blue eyes evah! Brad Pitt can suck it.

ChernobylSoup v2 August 27, 2009 at 11:41 am

Charles Hurt’s family, however, has taken the opposite trajectory. After realizing what a douche senior Charles is, all his children and nieces and nephews resolved to become decidedly non-douchey.

Hart88 August 27, 2009 at 11:45 am

what about the failed MTV hostess? where the hell did she go?

Neilist August 27, 2009 at 11:47 am

The caption for that touching picture?

“Psst! Psst! John-John: DON’T violate VFR flight rules! Regardless of how much your bitch model wife-to-be, and her equally spoiled sister, want to get to Martha’s Vineyard after shopping all day in NYC. Gravity DOESN’T care that you’re a Kennedy: Uncle Joe and Uncle Teddy already know.

Oh, and ‘George’ is a stupid idea for a magazine.”

(I hope that clears it up for you.)

mollymcguire August 27, 2009 at 11:47 am

[re=396213]BigDupa[/re]: Or perhaps Jello Biafra, formerly of the Dead Kennedys.

Neoyorquino August 27, 2009 at 11:48 am

By the way, who named the image file for Robert O’Leary’s picture? “Headshot?” Seriously?

Nerdalicious August 27, 2009 at 11:49 am

I think we need to look to the youngins’ there are a lot of them. Also, I like Kathleen Kennedy Townsend. She wrote a book about how the rethugs are such hypocrites about religion & they could give a crap about the poor and voiceless. “Failing Americas Faithful” She is geunine. Not a phony, & is intelligent & humble. She actually reminds me of her father, Bobby.
picture with Ted
There’s got to be some young one out of all the gazillion grandchildren & great grandchildren who will rise from this gene pool & match past greatness. Count on it. There will be a shocking great speech by one of them someday at the Dem Convention & then they’ll take off from there.
PS: the hurricane is getting more organized and turning westward so I’m not sure about this funeral on saturday.

nbawriter August 27, 2009 at 11:51 am

[re=396225]Hart88[/re]: I’m guessing it was death by getting hit in the face with a frying pan, which is basically what I and pretty much anyone who ever saw her on MTV wanted to do to her when her lips parted.

Cape Clod August 27, 2009 at 11:52 am

Another good thing about O’Leary is that he lives in a hilariously named Cape Cod village called Cummaquid.

Katydid August 27, 2009 at 11:55 am

You gotta admit, giving free oil to the poorz is un-American. In Wingnut World.

V572625694 August 27, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=396226]Neilist[/re]: You’re vicious, but you’re good. However, “VFR flight rules” would mean “visual flight rules flight rules,” right?

Acronym/initialism nerds rule!

Holy Cow!! August 27, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Wow, that NY Post article is disgusting–even by their low standards.

Guppy06 August 27, 2009 at 12:08 pm

[re=396231]Nerdalicious[/re]: “There’s got to be some young one out of all the gazillion grandchildren & great grandchildren who will rise from this gene pool & match past greatness.”


Guppy06 August 27, 2009 at 12:13 pm

For all men being originally equals, no one by birth could have a right to set up his own family in perpetual preference to all others for ever, and though himself might deserve some decent degree of honors of his contemporaries, yet his descendants might be far too unworthy to inherit them. One of the strongest natural proofs of the folly of hereditary right in kings, is, that nature disapproves it, otherwise she would not so frequently turn it into ridicule by giving mankind an ass for a lion.

FlownOver August 27, 2009 at 12:14 pm

I thought she was Grace Slick’s kid. Which would be kinda Camelot on acid.

…oh, THAT one! Sorrynevmind.

widget09 August 27, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[re=396284]Guppy06[/re]: Amen.

hiphophitler August 27, 2009 at 12:35 pm

Maria Shriver would last about a week in politics until she accidentally impaled someone on one of her razor-sharp cheekbones. Then we’d get two weeks of media retrospectives on “People Killed by the Kennedys.”

BlueStateLibtard August 27, 2009 at 12:36 pm

The Irish know that the magic always skips a generation. Wait until the next one.

WadISay August 27, 2009 at 12:37 pm

O/T, but Angie Dickenson is quoted as saying, of JFK’s lovemaking, “It was the best 20 seconds of my life.”

krooskie August 27, 2009 at 12:39 pm

[re=396189]hobospacejunkie[/re]: why is it that they both have radio shows if they sound like this

RoscoePColtraine August 27, 2009 at 1:15 pm

[re=396304]hiphophitler[/re]: If you thought MSNBC would be back to any semblance of regular programming today, you’d better think again. They’re done for the week.

house of the blue lights August 27, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=396212]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Chicago can already barely handle the wonderfulness of having its very own Kennedy, and is now trying to send him to the Senate (via the UofI Board of Trustees, the only Statewide body more corrupt than our legislature). Make it stop, now, thank you. Someone else’s turn.

Paul Tardy August 27, 2009 at 1:29 pm

The Kennedyz should have married more Hispanics. It’s not like you can’t find a Hispanic Catholic.

DoctorCulturae August 27, 2009 at 1:36 pm

[re=396310]WadISay[/re]: Ms. Dickenson, pwned.

AxmxZ August 27, 2009 at 1:37 pm

Bertie Woosters, the lot of them.

President Beeblebrox August 27, 2009 at 1:37 pm


Yes, all the good Boston Irish Dem politicians are gone, so we have to look beyond the grave…

“Honey Fitz”/Tip O’Neill ’24!

TGY August 27, 2009 at 1:37 pm

The Aristocrats!

thefrontpage August 27, 2009 at 1:40 pm

There are plenty of Kennedys to go around! Don’t forget these other notable, prominent and charismatic Kennedys:

–Jedidiah “Dirt” Jenkins McGibbons Kennedy, who runs the McGibbons Kennedy Drag Strip in McGibbons, Kentucky. First cousin of Patrick’s. Said to be major candidate for Kentucky Agriculture or Transportation Secretary.

–Maurie Stewart Daniel “Moneybags” Goldsteinberg Kennedy, who is the current patriarch of the little-talked-about, but very prominent, Jewish branch of the Kennedy family. Maurie runs the Goldsteinberg Kennedy Savings and Loan and Hedge Fund in Brooklyn, New York. Said to be a future candidate for U.S. Treasury Secretary.

–Antonio Carlo “Revolver” Barzini Kennedy, who runs Dock #42 in New York City, heads the Local Dockworkers Union No. 42 in New York City, and also runs the very lucrative Antonio’s Pizza and Subs chain in Hoboken. Said to be a future candidate for either the New York General Assembly, or the New Jersey General Assembly, as soon as certain residency issues are taken care of.

–Pedro “Chico” Gonzalez Kennedy, the Associate Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Domestic Hispanic and Latino Affairs, Bureau of Hispanic and Latino Affairs, Domestic Minority Populations Bureau, Office of the Undersecretary for Domestic Minority Populations, U.S. Department of State, Washington, D.C. Said to be a future candidate for President of the United States of America.

Min August 27, 2009 at 1:43 pm

**shrug** The original Camelot crashed and burned, too.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello August 27, 2009 at 1:51 pm

More importantly, there are no Kennedys left where you’d say “I’d hit it”. Atleast the Bushes have Pierce.

rocktonsammy August 27, 2009 at 1:56 pm

I like that witty Kennedy chick on MTV.

RoscoePColtraine August 27, 2009 at 2:03 pm

[re=396443]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Is he Jeb’s latino son? If not, him too.

AnnieGetYourFun August 27, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=396176]V572625694[/re]: What did Stewie call her? A lovely exoskeleton? Something like that.

CorkPopper August 27, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=396284]Guppy06[/re]: I applaud your handiness with the perfect quote, sir (or madam). I will heretofore steal it whenever the Kennedys are mentioned.

Aurelio August 27, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=396176]V572625694[/re]: Maria Schreiver-Schwarzenegger has joined the ranks of the formerly cute.

imissopus August 27, 2009 at 2:16 pm

If only Caroline had been whispering to her brother, “Don’t ever take flying lessons, don’t ever take flying lessons…”

Reading Neilist’s posts is having an unfortunate effect on me.

imissopus August 27, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Ha! I wrote my last post without having actually read through the comments to see Neilist had already written it. Great minds! And by great I mean low rent.

gatorphred August 27, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Whatever happened to that wayward Kennedy: Jayne Kennedy.

And Leon Isaac Kennedy.

Bastards left out of the will, they were.

TGY August 27, 2009 at 2:21 pm

[re=396482]CorkPopper[/re]: It’s from Thomas Paine in Common Sense.

assistant/atlas August 27, 2009 at 2:22 pm

[re=396235]Cape Clod[/re]: This fellow is easily the best new Kennedy since that they adopted Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well done, sir.

[re=396235]Cape Clod[/re]: Yeah, but in Mass, they probably just pronounce Cummaquid like Corduroy or something, right?

RoscoePColtraine August 27, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=396406]Paul Tardy[/re]: Irish and Messicun. Two flavors that taste great together.

Neilist August 27, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=396268]V572625694[/re]: I would respond, but I have to go get some cash from the ATM machine.

If I can remember my PIN number, that is.

(“Vicious”? Moi? Say, rather . . . “truthful.” Although, “vicious” will do in a pinch.)

Neilist August 27, 2009 at 3:29 pm

[re=396494]imissopus[/re]: I have the same problem with Neilist’s posts. My recommendation is not to read them. I never do. (And I’m so low rent, I’m subletting the 7th Circle of Hell.)

lazylightning August 27, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Chris Kennedy (noD-IL)just waffled out of an IL Senate bid. Mebbe the fires are out.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello August 27, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=396455]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: no, this is Pierce:

But yes to Jebby, too, also. Kinda.

TGY August 27, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=396432]Min[/re]: ’twas a silly place, after all.

geminisunmars August 27, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=396752]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: OMG OMG OMG
I’m having a dizzy spell. He looks so, well, so Bushistic. NOOOOOOOO!

1ofUS August 27, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Wonky’s cleavage tends to favor the evil tit (CIA/911 coverup) over the tastier tit (obvious conspiracy in 911 coverup). Whyfore has Wonky forsaken the good tit, whose milk is more pure of truth and sucked at the bad tit so hard, me wonders?

AddHomonym August 28, 2009 at 1:46 am

[re=396925]1ofUS[/re]: Yes.

LoweredPeninsula August 28, 2009 at 6:10 am

Wouldn’t it be hellishly terrific (in the historical sense of the word terrific) if the Bush and Kennedy familes interbred to great a super-family?

Jed August 28, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Kathleen Kennedy Townsend once referred to Bowie State as Coppin State, and then managed to exclaim she never knew the difference between a football and a touchdown. yikes.

Terry August 28, 2009 at 3:11 pm


Kathleen Kennedy Townsend also ran such a piss poor campaign for Governor of the State of Maryland that we ended up electing Ehrlich with Michael Steele as Lt Governor. Ehrlich/Steele tried to sell of state parks to their cronies, let chicken factory farms on the Eastern Shore dump poo in the waterways with wild abandon, and generally screwed up the State for four years. Ehrlich and Steele are directly responsible for the mess they left, but Townsend certainly facilitated their reign of malfeasance and cronyism.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello August 28, 2009 at 4:14 pm

[re=396845]geminisunmars[/re]: I’d still it it.

RiccotaCheeseImperator August 28, 2009 at 9:43 pm

@nbawriter: That Kennedy is now the morning newswench on 98.7 FM in LA. Kinda weird, ’cause the station has no morning deejay . . .

villageatrois August 31, 2009 at 3:09 am

JFK, RFK, and MLK were killed, along with John Lennon. There are apparently no living Kennedys even worth shooting at. Squeaky Fromme and the Lockerbie Bomber have been released from prison.

Maybe the CIA has just become (yawn)… lazy….

Vajayjay August 31, 2009 at 1:54 pm

[re=397315]Jed[/re]: She was also my high school graduation speaker, during which speech she managed to call my school — Bethesda Chevy Chase — Beverly Chevy Chase. She did the Montgomery County circuit that year (2000), since she was running for Governor, so I heard the same canned speech at friends’ graduations, as well — although she managed to at least get their schools’ names right.

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