Wonkette
Oh wow, even ALIENS loathe socialist earthling emperor BARACK OBAMA! Justifiably furious about Obama’s tentative plans to euthanize extra terrestrial grannies, ZENSUNNI WANDERERS from the planet ARRAKIS sculpted “Say no to Obama” into a field of Texan weeds, with special FREMEN LASERS. Crop circles have become increasingly political over the years, a trend started by the KLINGONS when they carved “Bring back Arrested Development” into an Iowan corn field …
JOE SCARBOROUGH, famous amongst television pundits for selling his soul to CORPORATE COFFEE, is beginning to suffer the undesired side effects of his televised morning caffeine benders — erectile dysfunction, hair loss, and BRAIN CRABS. Although he hasn’t managed to “pitch his tent” in months, Joe has been able to fight his hair deficit with a little ROGAINE and strategic dollops of HAIR DYE …
BARACK OBAMA is still golfing his brains out on Martha’s Vineyard, which means all the local businesses are still jizzing cinnamon swirls. But Obama’s visit has made life exceptionally stressful for the Vineyard’s humble MARIJUANA FARMERS. Gossip connoisseurs report that a fleet of BLACK HAWKS patrolled the island in preparation of Barack’s arrival, which prompted narc-fearing herb growers to harvest their crop way too early …
JOHN McCAIN competed in a wet tee shirt competition, and yes, he was sporting some serious nipple. It was positively delectable.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
You’re a sick bastard, Waggaman, which is why you fit right in. I would’ve said John McCain exhibited a public drinking problem.
So it’s gonna be Martha’s Growhouse next year?
I don’t understand. I though the aliens supported President Obama.
“McCain spills water” will surely go down in the annals of video history, along with “cat farts on monkey,” “chimp smokes cigarette,” and every Bush speech.
Well done, Mr. Waggaman. A+ for “jizzing cinnamon swirls,” but serious points off for the image of a gynocomastic Walnuts (!) in a wet T. Makes me wanna blurk, even though that’s a made-up word with no meaning.
hobospacejunkie: Make that a gynecomastic Walnuts. Even though gynecomastic probably isn’t a real word, either.
Is it wrong that I look forward to WAGG THE BOGG segments?
He got 40 more years than Lori Klausutis did.
(Too soon?)
That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows Fremen use maula pistols, not lasers.
That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows that Fremen use maula pistols, not lasers.
hobospacejunkie: I think you’ve just defined the work ‘blurk’ and used its most concise scene in a coherent sentence…. time to visit the Urban Dictionary!
TGY: with that kind of spitting, he should have been in a blue dress.
hobospacejunkie: Macromastic, you probably mean.
John McCain — the wrong man to put in charge of a bottle of water, the wrong man to put in charge of our economic recovery.
Think about what could’ve been next time you say some dumbass shit about my president, Senator.
Bearbloke: “…concise sense…”
- sorry folks, I almost spilled a bit of my 100-proof nightcap whilst typing that…
Gopherit: I thought US Navy tradition was to swallow, like a man…
All this despite UNIVERSAL health care?
The first time I read it, I thought it said “Wee tit shirt competition.”
I am such a moran sometimes.
We’ll see what happens to Farmer Bates when Obama is determines who gets farm subsidies (aggy socialism) using google maps.
My Dune nerdness has been satisfied for the day. Thank you.
germansteel: Really — those moobs haven’t been wee in quite some time.
“…which means all the local businesses are still jizzing cinnamon swirls.”
This is just about the funniest god damn thing I’ve read all day. Holy shit, I can’t stop thinking about it.
Pierce Moffett: no, Paul got them lasguns (I am a complete dork)
wow- black helicopters and lots of federal law enforcement make paranoid pot growers more paranoid- who knew?
Sam Bates, of Lubbock, took out his aggression on his farm’s weeds, spelling out in the ground with his plow, “Say no to Obama.”
What kind of weeds were they? Sam Bates would not know what a marajuana plant looks like if it was growing in his ass.
Riley Waggaman wins the Dune Nerd of the Day award. Consider this having passed your gom jabbar.
Well, if you wanna split hairs, thanks to David Lynch, the Fremen did use “Weirding Modules” to convert sound into energy beams but just in the movie. Other than that it was Crysknives, Maula guns and stolen Sardaukar weaponry.
Oh my god, it’s a NERD LORE FIGHT
Post without rhythm and it wont attract the Denby.
Good thing then that you didn’t see the deleted sex scene where Paul Atreides dips his gom jabbar in some Shadout Mapes. The scariest part is that I have Shadout Mapes’ O-Face burned into my retina.
Suds McKenzie:
Oh so excellent!
You call yourself Dune fans? No mention of spice and the House of Bush, er, Harkonnen clan? Feh on all of you.
Please bring back Arrested Development. Come on! Do it for the guy wearing the $5000 suit. Also.
ManchuCandidate: Whatever, I totally brought up the gom jabbar. Just go ahead and photoshop a “SPICE MUST FLOW” caption on a blue-eyed Limbaugh and get it over with.
ManchuCandidate: I’ve made a huge tiny mistake.
Zadig:
Limbaugh? That anal cyst of his will fuck up foldspace transitions.
Need a conduit of pure evil. Cheney.
So is He the Kwisatz Haderach?
BRING BACK CRYSTAL PEPSI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Walnuts! was just demonstrating how to un-dehydrate babies.
Mock, but Barry ‘wills’ the Titleist into the hole.
— Ty Webb
“Just be the ball.”
Hasty Gravity Bong
This is a band formed by Hasty Pudding alumni, right? After they come of age.
ManchuCandidate: That’s fine, I was mostly going with Rush because of a known drug addiction.
He did the monster face! Funny, funny John McCain! Thank you, Riley, for giving us something to talk about besides Ted Kennedy (D-Dead)
The Zornaks, from the Planet Zornak, in the Zornak Solar System, have claimed responsibility for most of the crop circles on Earth. It’s a big practical joke–they do them, leave, and watch the responses, laughing in their Zornakian beers the whole time! It’s hilarious!
Oh, those guys who made the videos and wrote the stories showing how they did the crop circles, and claiming to be the ones who did most of the famous crop circles?
Zornakians, all of them. They’ve lived among us for years. Strangely, their DNA is very similar to Earth humans’ DNA.
This is all true. Ask Art Bell.
facehead: CRYSTAL PEPSI! YES! I LOVE YOU!
Washington Examiner and Politico-sourced snark? We plea to Wormy Leto Atreides II, to end this affront to Wonkette-ia!