Interesting Facts About Liberal Hero Ted Kennedy!

  bar trivia

Oh yeah he helped Obama get the nomination, too!To the nation’s shrinking pool of 80-year-old bitter white wingnuts, there is only one thing to know about liberal Taxachusetts leftist liberal Ted “Edward” Kennedy: Forty years ago, he showed the ultimate disrespect for Republican Political Traditions by getting in the car with an attractive girl …. And then he drove off a bridge and accidentally drowned the girl and spent several hours trying to sober up/get his story straight. But let there be no confusion. The only reason Wingnuts have ever been upset about Kennedy is a) He didn’t hate black people, like they do, and b) He perhaps had a secret sexy time with a girl. There are other facts about the “Actual lion loose in the Senate,” too!

  • Austrian dope-smoking superhero Arnold Schwarzenegger was Ted’s brother-in-law or cousin or something.
  • Ted was nearly killed in a plane crash in 1964! Nobody knows about this story. In fact, Kennedy-hating fucktard David Denby once wrote a whole anime-porn comic book about your Wonkette specifically because the very old idiot David Denby had no idea Ted Kennedy was nearly killed in a small plane crash in 1964. This was in the Los Angeles Times!
  • All the Kennedy kids are all rapey. Ted Kennedy got in trouble once, in 1980s, because of the Kennedy boys always being so rapey. Ted was not keeping an eye on them, because he was so drunk and fat. This is true!
  • So true, in fact, that Utah Republican Mormon Orrin Hatch — the scientific opposite of a Kennedy — helped Ted slow down on the boozing. They were great friends, in the Senate!
  • Orrin Hatch also posted a very nice eulogy for Ted, on the Senate’s website.
  • But it was the indignity of having some mean empty suit like Mitt Romney actually running a competitive race for Kennedy’s Senate seat that slapped Ted back into shape. He straightened up, married for good this time, and stomped Romney.
  • Among his many, many, many Senate legislative victories, Ted led the charge to overturn Reagan’s veto of the anti-apartheid sanctions. Yes, Republicans used to just flat out say “it’s cool if black people in Africa are prisoners of some weird white wingnuts.” (Now they say “socialism,” but it’s the same deal.)
  • Ted sunk Bork, too. But he couldn’t sink Clarence Thomas, because Thomas was confirmed during the worst of Ted’s boozing/skirt-chasing days, so he had to shut up and let Biden fuck up the confirmation hearings.
  • From a long, good piece about Ted Kennedy in The Nation: “Ted Kennedy has buried two assassinated brothers he loved, a brother-in-law (Steve Smith) who became like a brother to him, and three young nephews, including John Kennedy Jr., whom he eulogized as another Kennedy who did not live long enough “to comb gray hair.” While Kennedy was still a teenager, his older siblings, Joe and Kathleen, died.” Jesus.
  • Ted Kennedy gave the Obama girls a magic dog.

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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101 comments

  1. The-Gentle-Art

    It’s too bad that Kennedy couldn’t instill some morals in the so-called “moral majority” of America. What makes this video so bad, is that the world is watching these Americans display absolutely no compassion for their fellow humans.

    Must watch:

    http://progressnotcongress.org/?p=2689

  2. gurukalehuru

    O.K., some good stuff, some bad stuff.
    On the whole, though, I feel the Kennedys were to American politics what Michael Jackson was to popular music – overrated.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Ted-ted was human who, er, uh, grew up in privilege, er, thanks in large part for US America’s lust for Canada City whiskey and wasn’t a total shitsack about it unlike the Bushes. He pissed off a lot of wingnuts (not hard to do, but he was pretty consistent about it) and he loved wine, women, and song… Maybe not song, but definitely wine and women. Finally, anyone who stomps Mittens, Bork and beats Raygun at something isn’t so bad.

  4. wx insider

    I think Hopey took him out because he didn’t want
    to sign that stupid ass health care bill into law
    that will make America go broke.

    That’s my conspiracy theory and I’m sticking to it.

  5. mad mom

    Jonah Goldberg over at NRO is upset that liberals might invoke Teddy in an attempt to pass health care reform. Mentioning dead political heroes is such bad form. I’m not sure what his reasoning is, although if I had to guess I’d say it probably comes down to “Ronald Reagan would have wanted it that way.” In any case, he warns that right-wingers will stop saying nice things about Kennedy the very minute liberals start to mention him in any of their sordid political speeches, so nyah nyah…

  6. ella

    His weight went up and down more than Oprah’s. Between the two of them they probably lost, gained and lost a couple zillion pounds.

  7. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Well, according to Rush Limbaugh, because Ted Kennedy had great health care, what with being rich and white and a senator and all, we cannot have health care reform, since poor people would not have the same level of care, and we will simply have to kill all of them.

    That was within the first 10 minutes of his show. I thought it would take him at least 45 minutes to say something that stupid.

    Oh, and Kennedy, because he went after Bork and Thomas, was a racist and the source of all hate in the world.

    Come on, Wonkette, where are those facts in your list! Libtards!

  8. facehead

    [re=395378]Anita Cocktail[/re]: LOLOLOLOL. I almost choked on my pasta when I saw ur name.

    That ruled.

  9. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=395395]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: God. Damn. It. I had that exact thought earlier on this morning but didn’t get around to posting. Boo, and +1 to you.

  10. freakishlystrong

    1.) “Rapey” is my new favorite word. This will replace “guano faucet”.
    2.) For Bobama alone, Teddy deserves our Eagle tears.

  11. dijetlo

    …and yet Dick Cheny is still walking around plotting mayhem and talking smack (albeit with the heart of a Baboon pulsating in his upper thorax).
    I fear that back in the day, when old man Joe was running rum out of Bermuda, he made a deal with the devil to protect his thieving ass. If so, we can only hope this was the final payment.

  12. WestEdEd

    It’s up to all of us, just a little bit, to pick up whatever tiny piece of the Senator’s burden we can, and move it forward, however slowly, even if not far.

    We can’t hope to have another man like this to lead us, but if we can all use the light of his example to show us the way, we can follow in the path he showed.

    Don’t despair at the size of the task, because we all just have to do our small part.

    Remember, the only thing required for evil men to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

    So take five minutes.

    If your congressman is a wingnut, call him and complain.

    If your congressman is liberal, call and remind him you have his back.

    Drop off a case of canned goods at a homeless shelter.

    Cancel the premium channel and give that money to the Red Cross.

    Give blood.

    Just do it before the day is over.

  13. TheNavOne

    I’m sure Free Republic has some very moving, floral, passionate words to commemorate Sen. Kennedy’s passing. Let me just go check…

    Oh, right, Joseph Kennedy and THE JEWS. Classy.

    Anyway, good luck in the bar upstairs. Have a drink for me. Kind of a shame. Who’s going to teach the young senators that you can be a drunken lout but still actually get some work done, too.

  14. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=395386]gurukalehuru[/re]: Say what you will, but all four sons gave their lives in service of there country.

    Sarah Palin couldn’t make it through one term as governor, and Rush Limbaugh avoided service because he had a cyst on his ass.

  15. JeffGoldblum

    [re=395394]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: I think all of the years after 1990 were bad for Jello Biafra.

  16. AnnieGetYourFun

    My coworkers are loudly discussing, in their southern accents, the uselessness of Ted Kennedy. I don’t actually have any deep feelings on the matter, but I really hate the drawn-out Alabma drawl that my (Seattle-dwelling) coworkers insist on maintaining, and even strengnthening. When I move to New Zealand, I plan to have the local accent down pat within a week.

  17. snideinplainsight

    Anywhay, where did he get that extra “T”? Nowhere, in any of the commentary, or eulogenasia, has anyone explained that to me. Where did the T come from? Why wasn’t he Ed Kennedy? Ed Koch isn’t Ted Koch.

  18. Whiskeybaby

    It’s days like this you really don’t want to read anything published on the internet, for fear it might make you lose all will to live and instead want to follow old Ted to that whiskey bar/brothel in the sky.

  19. 4tehlulz

    From Hatch’s eulogy, I learned that Ted and Orrin both support volunteerism, which will of course lead to the rise of the NOBAMA Youth and Islamofascism.

  20. simetrias

    At least Teddy is final in universalhealthcare land. He was the living example of how a flawed (ok, deeply f**ed up) character can accomplish some of the greatest things in our nation’s history. Yay for the NEH, NEA, countless education programs, and so on.

  21. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    The question is, has Orin Hatch baptized Ted in death, like Obama’s parents were, so that he will get into real heaven?

    [re=395394]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Only Amazon’s sales ranks knows for sure. But I’m betting Jerry Brown’s death does more for him.

    [re=395406]dijetlo[/re]: Dick Cheney feeds. Dick Cheney is thriving.

  22. rev_matt_y

    [re=395394]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: It’s a wash for Jello. The faux DK have been touring for a few years now desecrating the memory of the band in spite of Jello’s best efforts.

  23. charlesdegoal

    Cool comment in the LATimes about Denby “being such a priss”.
    Which Ted K certainly wasn’t.

  24. hobospacejunkie

    I’d rather be a boozer than get help from that hateful troll Orrin Hatch. Those fuckin’ Mormons. You can bet Hatch extracted his price.

  25. Min

    [re=395411]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Hear, hear.

    Rest in peace, Senator. We will not see your like again.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    I was having dinner in Colonial Williamsburg (I was poor, but it was a friend’s birthday so we splurged) and a bunch of Secret Service guys walked in very conspicuously and checked the place out. A few minutes later, in walked Ted Kennedy and friends. The most astonishing thing about him was his massive head which, as big as it looks on television, is even more shocking in real life.
    He was also one of the sharpest minds in the Senate. I’m sure he’s said his share of dumb things, but I can’t remember seeing an interview of him where he was out of his depth. And anyone who thwarted Reagan on apartheid in South Africa was okay by me. Remember what the Republicans were saying about the ANC? They were communists and revolutionaries — therefore the entire black citizenry must be kept under Pik Botha’s jackboot. These are the bastards who are opposed to healthcare reform and examining what the CIA and DOJ were doing over the last eight years, by no coincidence.
    Now I’d better stop before I raise the Jolly Roger and and put matches in my hair.

  27. hockeymom

    Senator Byrd wrote a nice tribute to him, as well. Which reminds me…must keep Byrd healthy.

  28. WadISay

    [re=395405]freakishlystrong[/re]: I still like “stabby” to describe Scotland.

    [re=395391]mad mom[/re]: I sort of agree that urging people to have coversion experiences at the funerals of their political enemies doesn’t work terribly well, as a rhetorical tool. See Wellstone funeral.

  29. Paul Tardy

    “it’s cool if black people in Africa are prisoners of some weird white wingnuts.” Just like its kool for the afro-POTUS to keep wingnut wars going on till everyone except a wingnut is broke and on welfare.

  30. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=395405]freakishlystrong[/re]: Well, “rapey” is a word, and “guano faucet” is a phrase. So you can keep both as your favorite, technically.

    You know like how some states have a state bird and a state animal, and it’s not even cheating!

  31. user-of-owls

    [re=395426]Whiskeybaby[/re]: I am very loathe to do this, in the same way archaeologists don’t disclose the location of fragile sites for fear of grave robbers, but there is an utterly non-political site with a condolence book that has hundreds of kind, thoughtful and respectful messages at http://www.capecodonline.com/. Go to the Memorial Book link on the front page.

    It is a very touching and soul-soothing place, and may Gog strike me down if the grave desecrators find it because of me. Click and restore however temporarily a bit of your faith in humanity.

  32. Crank Tango

    Perhaps Jello will be making some royalties offa Rush?

    “gonna kill kill kill kill kill the poor….kill kill kill kill kill the poor…kill kill kill kill kill the poor …tonight!”

    there. I have it in my head, and now you have it in yours.

  33. Paul Tardy

    Oh BTW you forgot to mention that he was on the No Fly List(tm), breifly as he was a Senator, because anyone who voted against the Iraq jamboree must have been with THEM not U.S..

    No Fly List is a registered Trademark of the Department of Homeland Security.

  34. give us a bob

    [re=395394]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: I would imagine this subtracts a few cool points from Biafra’s dicks/ass/iconoclasm schtick, taking it back down the garden variety, adolescent angst where it began.

    Anyway, I do hope Teddy gets to lay in state amidst some massive pomp and ceremony. Reagan got an entire week of histrionics and fetishism; Kennedy deserves at least as much, although preferably more in the form of a booze-drenched, nationwide wake.

  35. freakishlystrong

    [re=395469]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I knew someone was going to get me on that, it’s hard to make sense sometimes, when you’re trying to not laugh quietly in your cube.

  36. Bearbloke

    [re=395416]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: A friend/Bear-buddy of mine, a surgeon from northern Florida, jokes that a Southern Accent cost the user 10 IQ-points per decade to maintain… so how old are your co-workers?

  37. Terry

    [re=395416]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]:
    “My coworkers are loudly discussing, in their southern accents, the uselessness of Ted Kennedy.”

    Wow, they’re still p.o.’ed over the Civil Rights Act and Voting Rights Act?

  38. Car Ramrod

    [re=395476]S.Luggo[/re]: It was Ted’s last gig as drummer for Spinal Tap that did him in.

  39. TGY

    [re=395426]Whiskeybaby[/re]: Yes. You must realize that people on teh Intarwebs are all idiots. Wait…DOH!

  40. Jumping Jim

    Most politicians never get to the second act if they screw up act one. Ted Kennedy probably had the best third act in US political history.

  41. Extemporanus

    [re=395469]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: [re=395405]freakishlystrong[/re]: Or just combine ‘em:

    rape faucet?
    guano rape?
    guapey?

  42. finallyhappy

    [re=395486]give us a bob[/re]: I would go to that- I haven’t done any of the lying in state in the Rotunda events here in Dc but I will go to his.

  43. Hooray For Anything

    [re=395486]give us a bob[/re]: Yeah, if the press and conservatives shoved Ronnie down our throats for a week, we should be able to shove Teddy down theirs.

  44. BlueStateLibtard

    “Married for good this time”–now that is a classic Wonkette line if I ever read one.

    Rest in peace, Ted, you were one of the few that cared for the poors and the downtrodden, and actually tried to do something for them.

  45. Failed 2 Menace

    Will not believe he is eligible to stop breathing unless I see the long form death certificate.

  46. x111e7thst

    [re=395394]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: America does not know who Jello B is. America is fat, stupid and annoying and likes it that way.

  47. Real Talk

    R.I.P. Teddy,

    I say the Dems grow a pair and then procede to shove said pair down the throats of the Senate Repubs. In memory of Ted of course.

  48. musial78

    Didn’t Ted Kennedy also stop Universal Health Coverage from happening in the 70′s under Nixon?

  49. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=395495]Bearbloke[/re]: Mid-thirties. I agree with the theory.

    [re=395498]Terry[/re]: Although I wouldn’t doubt for a second that my coworkers are a bit racist (they frequently begin a conversation with “Not that I have anything against black people, but…” (hint: NEVER begin a conversation this way – it merely proves that you do have something against black people. It is OK with me if you are racist as long as you own it, but do not quote Chris Rock’s awesome diatribes about racism if you are (1) white (2) racist (3) longing to be perceived as tolerant while simultaneously pointing out the strange behavior of black folks). I promise not to rant on this subjet again.).

    However, my guess is that most wingnuts dislike Kennedy for the same reason that they dislike George Soros: they can’t wrap their brains around rich people who are willing to be taxed at a higher rate than poor people so that poor people can have some public benefits. Sure, there are all kinds of other implications, but most people don’t follow Kennedy close enough to really know what he has fought for over the years. All they know is that he is (1) rich and (2) liberal and those two characteristics SHOULD, in their minds, be mutually exclusive. Ted Kennedy did not appear to be afraid of people taking his guns (don’t know if he had any) or his money.

    Hence, Ted Kennedy wants to buttrape conservative men.

  50. tootsieroll

    When I watched him eulogize John Jr. I wanted to cry. He was suddenly very human, not some public icon. I really do hate all the bitterness hurled at him, by people who seem to think their shit doesn’t stink or have never made mistakes in their lives.

  51. Hooray For Anything

    [re=395605]musial78[/re]: I think Kennedy stopped it when Carter was President because Carter wanted something somewhat like what Obama is doing now and Kennedy wanted Universal Health Care. One of the reasons he ran in 1980 against Carter (and one of the reasons the world gave us Reagan). Nixon proposed something a lot more liberal than Obama’s plan but it was killed by the Labor Unions because they knew Nixon was going down and could get a better deal with whatever Democrat would win the next election. And the moral of the story– Democrats are excellent at forming circular firing squads.

    Okay, here’s my Teddy story– remember reading that in the depths of Teddy’s alcoholism, he was caught having sex with a lobbyist at a fancy, schmancy restaurant. No, not really a positive story, but like his brothers, he did know how to party.

  52. nbawriter

    I like to think that the Mary Jo incident put him on God’s “one more dick move and you get brain cancer” list, and that when he went hypocrite on the wind farm off the coast from Martha’s Vineyard God said, “OK, Teddy … it’s time.”

    But, hey, that was a long time to go before stepping in your pile of God Canker. Did a lot of good things. A lot of respect for him. Now build that big fucking wind farm out there where he took his yacht, stat.

  53. Capitol Hillbilly

    [re=395608]Sussemilch[/re]: Good idea on the Ruseell bldg … a cool way to dis Jimmy Carter’s home state.

  54. Dr. Spaceman

    “Ted Kennedy has buried two assassinated brothers he loved, a brother-in-law (Steve Smith) who became like a brother to him, and three young nephews . . . While Kennedy was still a teenager, his older siblings, Joe and Kathleen, died.”

    Plus the plane crash, plus NassagassdkdWTF — yeah, bad motherfucker earned himself the drink. Fucking bluesmen hear that and think, “Damn, big boy had it rough.”

  55. doloras

    [re=395416]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I live in New Zealand. Why the hell would you want to move to the arse-end of the planet? Everyone who actually lives here is desperate to move somewhere where the things you do actually matter, like London, Berlin or New York.

  56. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=395840]doloras[/re]: Grass is greener syndrome. Trust me, there is nowhere in the world that you can move in which the things that you do actually matter. I’d rather live where there are fewer people, more beaches, adorable flightless birds, and a limited repetoire of potential vowel sounds (I like the way New Zealanders say the word “back” (“beck”).

  57. Jim89048

    [re=395810]twowheeljunkie[/re]: I feel your pain. :| Both for the freeway, and for being in Steamy Valley…

  58. windupbird

    [re=395976]chascates[/re]: I’ll go with door #3 – the Adams family. As in JA and JQA, not Morticia and Wednesday.

  59. chascates

    [re=396021]windupbird[/re]: When I posted that I thought of the Adams family but thought how wise Henry was to avoid it.

  60. cafreeman

    He went to the Senate the same year I was born. I saw him there from the balcony a couple of years ago, impressive even from a distance in that crowd. Thanks for your service, Ted.
    RIP

  61. RiccotaCheeseImperator

    @snideinplainsight: Ted got the nickname because he and/or at least one of his sibs (maybe Bobby?) could not pronounce “Ed” correctly . . .

  62. smellyal8r

    Err, it was the 90s when the boys got a little “rapey” and Uncle Ted had to bail out WK Smith (who was with his mother at today’s funeral). Ted Kennedy was a complicated guy, like all guys who have seen a lot of family members die before they are 40. He wasn’t all one thing or t’other. He was rich, but wasn’t defined by his wealth. He was lucky, but not defined by his luck. He was smart, but not defined by his brains. I think, at the end, he was defined by all of what he was (as are all of us). Unfortunately, we don’t concentrate on the whole person any more. It is one or two foibles that define a life. The NYT had a great piece about how the Senate is all crappy because no one carpools to the Senate together any more (or some such thing). It’s all partisanship and fear mongering. We are poorer for it and there’s really no solution in sight. So long Ted. We shall not see your kind again.

  63. MarieDevine

    By the way: Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” “First take the beam out of your own eye, then shall you see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” “If y;ou do not forgive the sins of others, your heavenly Father cannot forgive your sins.”

    Senator Edward Kennedy proved the failure of a health care reform he and others worked so hard for. Senator Kennedy’s money could not save him. No insurance or technology could save him. The whole health care system he fought for is wrong. Who pays for it is not the issue. He and others champion a health care reform that helps the medical field and investors most. They have not realized there is a final solution that could benefit all mankind, making it truly universal. Details at divine-way .com

    The goal and easy solution is to retire and make a garden paradise lifestyle where trees, plants and pets provide fresh food around us. It pulls us into the sunshine and gives us light exercise to keep us healthy. It is an easy, quick, fair and inexpensive solution to world problems we created. It is the only sustainable development. Any who fought for other ways were blinded by the deceitfulness of riches. Liberals reject God’s ways, so their solutions always cause more problems. Conservative are expected to stay closer to God’s secular wisdom and that solves world problems. The real problem is that Conservative Republicans have been acting like Liberal Democrats.

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