like gandhi or whatever

Bachmann Now Ordering People To Starve Themselves

FASHION: Wear camouflage during tele-town hallsBachmann. She got on some conference call last week with 350,000 people, to tell them Facts. Here’s the gist, of it, according to the Minnesota Independent: “In response to a caller from Minnesota who wanted to know if there was a plan afoot in Washington to require all medical doctors to perform abortions, Bachmann didn’t exactly shoot the suggestion down.” But here was her most urgent message for these people about health care reform: “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners. ‘Remember: faith without works is dead. So we’re asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act.’” We agree with Bachmann on this one: all of these folks *should* fast! Fast faster, people! Make it a goal to not eat or drink for TWO WEEKS. Big outer space man will be mad if you don’t do this! [Minnesota Independent]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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96 comments

  1. fishskicanoe

    You know, Michele Bachmann at first looks sort of appealing. And then you look at the eyes… those are the eyes of a lunatic, all starey and scary.

  2. Roger3815

    All shipments of food, water and medicine to Minnesota should be halted immediately so as to not anger the invisible sky god.

  3. hobospacejunkie

    Make it a month, closet Muslins, and call it Ramadan. I’m sure you’ll be welcomed into the fold with open arms.

  4. rmontcal

    Americans could definitely benfit from a little bit of fasting.

    Will they? Oh, excuse me, the pizza guy is at the door… my pizza came with something called a “chocolate lava crunch cake”!

  5. Hopey dont play that game

    The battle will be won on her knees… this is like tee-ball for Wonketeers.

  6. mardam422

    I don’t mind if they pray, fast, act slow, believe in mediums, whatever. As long as they make a decision based on reality and facts….oh, never mind.

    Oh, and I be standing nearby when MB gets on her knees? Now that’s some strange I can believe in.

  7. snideinplainsight

    The crazy shining out of her eyeballs is almost unbearable.

    Sic Semper Tyrannasaurus!

  8. jesusbutter

    Dear Jeesus,
    Any possibility you’ll be calling sweet Michelle Bachman home any time soon?
    xoxo
    jesusbutter

  9. krooskie

    Having trouble fasting? Here are some tips! When you feel thirsty, you could simply swallow your own saliva, or drink your own urine! Getting hungry? Chewing fingernails are a great way of stimulating your ancy mouth muscles, and they may seem small to begin with, but they eventually form a nice, filling pile in your stomach. Before you know it, you might be so successful at fasting and praying that you’ll be emaciated to the point that you can’t leave the house and vote for this horrible woman again.

  10. lawrenceofthedesert

    Finally, Bachmann’s true colors revealed: she wants Minnesotans to celebrate Ramadan. I can’t wait to get her Kwaanza card.

  11. mardam422

    Her eyes do have that spinny quality to them. I guess as long as they spin in the same direction we can relax.

  12. annievt

    Rest assured, Michelle, if I’m on my knees, I’ll be engaged in “works.” But in the spirit of 9/11, I’ll be volunteering my services.

  13. facehead

    Sounds kinda muslimy, fasting? Or maybe jewishy, idk. But christians don’t fast, they just keep eating until they explode like a suicide bomber (for jesus).

  14. stratonike

    Could it be this easy? They might just… starve themselves to death?

    Maybe it could be like that group in Life of Brian, at the end of the movie, that commits suicide in front of the crucifixions?

    “That’ll… show em!”

  15. god.was.stingy

    Faith without jerks is dead. Someone should get a flux capacitor and bring some conquistadors back to “convert” the sad sack of sharp teeth and angry villager dreams that is Michele Bachmann. Protestant mercenaries would probably do just as well.

  16. slappypaddy

    “two weeks”? hell, nothing less than forty days and nights will suffice. michele, you go first. we’ll catch up by and by.

  17. Monsieur Grumpe

    I’ve heard if you fast long enough you begin to hallucinate. This could explain much.

  18. bfstevie

    Maybe Mrs. B needs a pair of those Michael Steele Blingee sunglasses. Also, maybe we could get her jaw wired shut.

  19. The Station Manager

    I suspect that mayhap said fasting could drain the crazies of the energy they require for such things as waving around crazy signs, like idiots, all over the place. So, whatever, I’m all for it. Keep on crazin’, you crazy crazy you!

  20. Min

    “Truly I say to you, inasmuch as you have done it to one of the least of these my brothers, you have done it to me.”

    One of these days, Jesus is so going to kick her ass.

  21. Kingbee

    OK, I know for a fact that folks up in the Minnesota 6th District are not ALL crazy, but DAMN! She is a good mascot for the State of Minnesota, however — A LOON!

  22. dum librul

    Please tell me you ‘shopped this photo, Wonkett. How come her left eye has the crazy cartoon hypnosis swirls in them?

  23. widestanceromancer

    Fake panelling-colored bitch knocked up again? Look here, nutjob, your morning sickness is not our fault, so enough with the cult-y starving of the flocks, OK? Next time, close your damn legs and have a cheeseburger instead.

  24. Extemporanus

    Bachmann’s Ikea birch veneer Dëdden Pannall camouflage is a faux-socialistic stroke of anti-reform insurgent strategy genius. The Demoncraps will never see her coming!

  25. Dean Booth

    The plan:
    1) Get on your knees
    2) Don’t swallow
    3) God watches
    —————————-
    4) Profits, for insurance companies!

  26. jesusbutter

    WHY are wingnuts so sure jesus/god/magog is a republican who doesn’t want healthcare for anyone but the rich? That’s the part I just don’t get…my head hurts

  27. badmuthagoose

    Oh please. They nodded their heads, then gassed up the Suburban and hit the McDonald’s. It’s Tuesday, which means one dollar Big Mac or something.

    I know these people. They’re fat.

  28. ellie

    Why isn’t this good Christian woman home taking care of her kids? Or has she outsourced that activity to some third world worker AKA a latino nanny?

  29. My choice. My Wonkette.

    I think this is her problem: the bill includes mandates (admittedly not the best part of the bill) for people to purchase health insurance if they can afford it. Since many of the private insurance policies cover abortions, maybe somebody will have an abortion who wouldn’t have had it, because they’d be uninsured. Bachmann wants to pray that women remained uninsured so they can’t afford an abortion, and have their unwanted child probably without the benefit of proper prenatal care. Time to fast.

  30. x111e7thst

    [re=394567]Joshua Norton[/re]: “Faith without works is dead” is actually quite a contentious statement amongst the Talibangelicals and Christianists. The whole “works” vs “faith alone” dog and pony show is the modern equivalent of the iconodule/iconoclast nonsense in 8th century Constantinople. Maybe there will be rioting in the mega-churches when word of Ms. Bachman’s pronouncement gets around.

  31. Gopherit

    “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,”

    As a fellow wonketteer (coughJADEDcough) said when he read this, change that last a to and i and it sounds about right for Bachmann.

  32. x111e7thst

    [re=394632]stratonike[/re]: Or Roland the headless thompson gunner. Which would actually be kind of cool.

  33. Schmegeg

    “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners.

    Am I allowed to speculate that the editor left out a comma after “knees?”

  34. snideinplainsight

    Jesus and I got a pizza the other day. I told him we could get anything he wanted on it, I was buying (except no pineapple) and he says “the works”, just like that. Geez, now that I think about it, maybe he was trying to tell me something?

    Then he says “Errrrr, errrr errrrrrrh.” I ask him, “Jesus, are you ok?”

  35. Darkness

    I’d be totally for a bill that requires every person running for a federal seat to first fork over a birth certificate and blood sample and whatever the fuk-else as long as a psychological examination is also required. We’ll call it the Bachmann Bill.

    This woman shouldn’t be free to roam the streets let alone occupying a position of authority. WTF.

  36. Guppy06

    [re=394561]rmontcal[/re]: Maybe this is Bachmann’s back-handed plan to reduce healthcare costs in general and Medicare spending in particular, as we will no longer have have the gubmint pay for our diabeetus supplies.

  37. liquiddaddy

    It is amazing how much she looks like many of the bag ladies I encounter. It would be a quick trip for her as it is.

  38. Jukesgrrl

    I think she’s fasting until she hears Jeebus tell her she should run for President. I hope he also tells her those black circles under her eyes aren’t going to play well on TV. Who needs a death panel when the wingnuts are walking themselves right off the cliff?

  39. hockeymom

    You know, I think Jesus would totally fast…because it’s important that the poor and uninsured stay that way. Because Jesus valued insurance companies much more than the least among us. At least, that’s what I think the Bible said.

  40. Prommie

    She could still suck my cock, though, right? As long as she didn’t swallow? That would still be fasting, right?

  41. Prommie

    There was this part in Deliverance told Jon Voight to “pray for me.” That would be good, she could pray for me. Yes, Pray for me, oh yeah, pray good now.

  42. gurukalehuru

    You wingtards just go on and fast your bad selves. I’ll be in the kitchen, sacrificing a couple of chickens.

  43. give us a bob

    [re=394567]Joshua Norton[/re]: The alarming bit is that anyone in MN, in particular the 6th district, who does happen to suffer the misfortune of undernourishment/starvation/scurvy as a result of heeding Mrs. Looney Tunes up there, would never even think that they could then hold MB liable for their suffering.

    Usually, one would expect an elected official to experience some sort of censure if she tells her constituents to harm themselves (especially if some of the stoopider ones actually do it), but evidently not in the Fightin’ 6th.

  44. ella

    She’s still pissed off that Anna Wintour said people in Minnesota look like little houses. Neither one of them will be happy till Minnesotans look like pup tents.

  45. BlueStateLibtard

    Weird, fasting is done by Roman Catholics, Irish terrorists, and Muslims. I can’t see how it would go over big with her base.

  46. widget09

    Yeah, please don’t make mr. outer space man mad, we have seen what he’s capable of: giant tsunami’s, earthquakes, floods, hurricanes. I just wish he would come back and pick up his followers, so the rest of us can live in peace.

  47. skutre

    Re:Bachman’s eyes, that is the look of constant surprise after too many face lifts, not those brows don’t move much.

    If she were a speed freak like Palin she would be in eternal “Bachman, Turn Her Overdive”

    Yeah baby beat me with your Jesus and Liberty muffin.

  48. Robert Zimmerframe

    Praying and fasting don’t achieve squat. Self-immolation on the other hand, now there’s some effective direct action.

  49. finallyhappy

    [re=394862]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Don’t leave out my people- we have Yom Kippur coming up- that is a fast for more than a day(about 25 hours)- no water either!

  50. CthuNHu

    “…faith without works is dead.”

    Um, isn’t that what the Catholic [Satanic] Church [wretched hive of scum and villainy] believes? Has the Pope [anti-Christ] gotten to the last true Christian in Congress? Has she too been turned from the straight and narrow path of faith alone [the certainty that never lifting a finger to help anyone won't keep you out of heaven] and been perverted [shagged like a buttered weasel] by evil papists [a quartet of rugged Franciscan seminarians]?

  51. Jim89048

    [re=394862]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Mormons too, though it’s just one day a month usually–the same day they bring their checks to church. Makes sense, if you just gave your lunch money to them, that you don’t get to eat.

  52. Quasi

    The Fundamentalist Fast is somewhat like those old-time dance marathons.

    Fifty-five minutes of fasting, five minutes of stuffing your face, fifty-five minutes of fasting, five minutes stuffing . . . . . . . et cetera

  53. chascates

    That picture of the She-Wolf certainly has some Aryan overtones. And before we start talking about exactly who founded this nation and upon what principles we should look back at those we stole the place from. With the hard work of slaves and indentured servants. Back when Ms. Bachmann would not be permitted to vote.

  54. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Give the Wingnut her due. This is a far more efficient death panel than anything any liberal has ever come up with. No bureaucrats, just one loon doing it for free.

  55. bullship

    I tore open the seventh seal of the seventh book of Bachmann scripture and it sayeth.

    “Look in the thine eyes of the true woman high priestess and yea shall be delivered from the death throes of the evil democrat leader.” So of course I did.

    Bad new for Michelle Bachmann. They eye winked at me and said “You Betcha.”

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