The joys of motherhood.A certain Baby K. Smith is due into the world at any moment, like TODAY, and its mother will probably need to look after it for a while until it figures out how to work the safety on the shotgun and open its own beers. You will be left in the capable hands of your male editors, who will maybe force themselves to drag their asses out of bed at a vaguely human hour for the next few months.

Do you know what a blast it is to write for the Wonkette, and how deeply you, the reader, will be missed during these upcoming months of sleep deprivation and poop duty? A whole lot, is the answer. Wish us luck. We will see you in December.

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  1. Oh my goodness! Congratulations to a great editor from a fan you do not know but is happy all the same and wishes you the best. Sleep when the baby sleeps!

  2. Congratulations, Sara!

    The male editors of Wonkette have probably prepared you pretty well for what you’ll encounter when Baby K. Smith reaches two years old or so. The teen years, as well.

  3. Good luck, Sarah, I’ll miss you most of all. Sleep is overrated. For what it’s worth I have a new puppy, so I can sort of relate. Only instead of 3am feedings I have 3am poopings. But anyhoo….all the best. Hurry back.

  4. Oh shit. Of fuck. Honey, do you feel hot? Do you want a washcloth. Where are my GODDAMN KEYS??? Do you think I should ask a cop car if they will escort us to the hosp…FUCK SARAH IS THAT WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR? Why are you so freakishly calm, I haven’t even packed your mix CDs yet? Enya. Lots and lots of Enya. OH GROSS I THINK ITS ALREADY CROWNED where is the FUCKING DOULA???

  5. They mainly sleep during the first few months. After your body recovers from the act of producing an object-signficantly-out-of-proportion-from-whence-it-exits you should be able to offer some bloggings every four hours or so.

  6. Congrats SKS! Remember a baby swing is very useful and can be easily moved into the bathroom so you can take a shower even when baby is awake…and when they get older they can take a shower with you.

  7. Congrats. Is the sperm donor as fetching as you? Cuz if so, that will be one perfect child.

    Oh, and you gave yourself away as a first time momma by mentioning “months” of sleep deprevation. That’s cute. Try YEARS, darling.

    Best wishes in the history of wishes.

  8. Yay! Congrats, Sara — and I’m so glad you finally mentioned this, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to spill about your upcoming Smithling and haven’t. Anyway, best wishes and I hope you still surface from time to time, ’cause I’m going to go into SKS withdrawal if you don’t.

  9. Good luck!

    What I want to know is how did this not leak out? Particularly with all the leaking out you’ve been dealing with the last few months, plus immense amounts more (INCLUDING FROM NEW PLACES) in the coming months. More joys!

  10. Holy crap – and you’ve been blogging all this time??? Ken Layne is an evil, evil bastard.
    Anyway, Muchos Congratulations, SKS!

    So, next Wonkette editor to get pregnant will be…Riley??

  11. Just think how awesome Sarah K. Smith will be when she gets over the whole ‘pregnancy shrinks your brain’ syndrome.

    Come back when your brain is back to normal? Yes? All righty then. Best wishes to you and family….congratulations.

  12. Actually, with the right load and a steady hand, you can open beers with a shotgun.

    Difficult, true, but theoretically possible. You know, like a “Non-Libidiness Kennedy”? Or a “Kennedy Who Has Not Killed Someone Using A Motorized Vehicle”?

    But more to the point: GOOD LUCK, SARA!!!! (Blame the father for the contractions, even if the “father” is only a turkey baster.)

  13. Poop duty? This kid, without doing any work, is going to have someone change his or her diapers? THIS is socialism. It’s time people stop freeloading off the government’s (or in this case, the mother’s) teat. For shame Sara.

  14. To what address do we send Baby’z First TruckNutz (TM)? And are you going with the traditional blue/pink scheme or can we get some camo or USA flag Nutz for the little one?

  15. Some more big congrats and enjoy this time with the Smithlet. The real fun begins when they start to move and you can’t leave them on the bed all day.

  16. I haz a sad cuz U iz mah fayvrite heer.

    But it’s for a good cause – countering the overwhelming tide of idiocracy.

    May this child grow strong on your intellect, vocabulary, cultural references (hi and lo), and, most of all, your cleverness. Oh yeah, better throw some love in the mix. Love seems to be good for kids.

  17. Congratulations and good luck; do share a baby picture (onece it gets all darling, not when it’s all red and squishy and looks like a naked mole rat)

  18. Whew! Snuck that one in under the wire before all the mandatory abortions!

    SKS, I am very happy that someone of your intellect and wit has chosen to reproduce. Also.

  19. Mes felicitations, Madame. As for those late-rising male editors, shame on them indeed: it’s almost noon (or dix-huit heures, as they say here) and we haven’t hear a pip from them.

  20. Best wishes, new mom Sara. Here’s hoping your obstetrician has small, sure hands and that you and NewBaby K. Smith will be healthy and whole. As to happy, we Wonketteers have no doubts on that score.

  21. I’m sorry, I was so offended by Curved that I forgot to say congratulations, not only for the child, but also for the epidural. Cuz that’s the shit right there.

  22. This is excellent news for your readers. Nothing exercises the snark muscle like a newborn and sleep deprivation. The picture says it all!

    Good luck with s/he who must be obeyed!

  23. [re=397217]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I can’t BELIEVE you didn’t tell ME, at least. I was all just thinking, “Shit, now, Wookies clearly knew this if they were out drinking and Jim was pretty much hooked up to an IV drip of whiskey and Sara was being all prim with soda water – WHY COULDN’T HE SHARE THIS TIDBIT?!?! I can keep a secret!”

    Congrats, Sara. Good luck with all of the various duties, and remember that most infants, after the age of 3 months, can hold up to a good outdoor powerwashing. I will truly, truly miss your witty observations for the next… however long it will be.

    Also, I very much doubt that there will be any content on the web before 11AM Pacific Time. Can any of the exotically-named interns wake up before 3PM or anything?

  24. [re=397221]magic titty[/re]: Ditto. Well congrats Sara, I will miss your lessons of life…Hail from India…

    Just one question…where did you manage to get that appropriate “joys of motherhood” photo?

  25. Congrats! Kids are the best (on most days).

    Two bits of advice:

    1. Natural childbirth is overrated. As is your OB. Start kissing up to the nurses and anesthetist RIGHT NOW. They are your new best friends.

    2. If you have a baby boy, do NOT coo over him as you change his diaper. He will pee straight into your open, “ooh, isn’t he cute”, mouth.

  26. aw right! poppin out another libtard. way to go, sara!

    (if you haven’t done this baby thing before, be prepared to be exhausted beyond what you believed to be the limits of human endurance. if you have done it before, no sweat, right? nappie goes around the middle parts, binky goes in the pie-hole, and the little piggies go wee-wee-wee all the way home.)

  27. Congratulations and enjoy the new adventure with all the new equipment which you are about to discover. If it makes obnoxious noises and seems to entrance the child, is a baby toy, even if it was formerly a sex toy or meant for the dog.

  28. Babies are like little Dick Cheneys – wrinkled, snarling, non-ambulatory fiends. They scare the crap out of you and keep you up at night wondering what truly awful thing they are going to do next.

    Have fun!

  29. Oh, and good luck … I’m sure Wonkette has a super-awesome healthcare plan.

    Try to not get any afterbirth on the faux leather backseat of Layne’s Datsun.

  30. [re=397251]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Forgive me, dear — awful secret-keeper that I am, I didn’t want to put anyone else in the position of bearing such knowledge, as it was a veritable labor of Hercules for me to keep quiet about.

    Oh, and SKS, if you were going to name the child SayItWithWookies K. Smith in honor of my fierce and proven devotion, I would be honored. Of course your child might hate you forever, but at least you’d get that aspect of parenting out of the way early.

  31. I thought Obama was personally escorting all pregnant women to the abortion clinics? You must have sneaked under the radar while he was praying to Mecca or something. Anyway…congratulations!

  32. Congrats, Sara! And don’t worry — parenting is just like moderating Wonkette commenters, except you only have to handle one loud, immature, attention-seeking shit machine at a time.

  33. [re=397258]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Shut up. You said it once. No need to say it again.

    [re=397270]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I forgive you. And I think “Wookie” is actually kind of a cute nickname, but then, I am a hipster stuck in a nerd’s body.

  34. now, sara, i don’t know if anyone’s said this yet because i’m speeding through this because my boss wants me to do some work and bosses and babies share some characteristics regarding needing to be tended to, but along with congratulations and best wishes, if this is your first, remember this please — there will be times when your baby will make you mad. when this happens, put the baby down (safely) and walk away. compose yourself, then you’re back on duty. no sweat, right? and never hesitate to ask for help. you and your baby deserve all good things.

    may the good lord
    shine a light on you
    let every song you sing
    be your favorite tune

  35. As a parent of two under 5 (whimper) I wish you the best.

    There’s still time to beat the Duggar family quiver-full if you really apply yourself, and after the first 10 or so you can make the older ones take care of the younger ones while you Twitter or start up a meth lab or something.

  36. With the marvelous invention of the notebook computer, an editor doesn’t even have to get out of bed at all! Think of all the witty and insightful articles that can be composed from the bathroom!

  37. [re=397257]hockeymom[/re]: Can’t believe it took someone this long to make that comment. But, seriously, GET A GODDAMNED BIRTH CERTIFICATE faxed to your secret delivery center in Kenya. You’ve already planted the delivery notice in an American newspaper, right?

    Sara K., just rock the delivery and enjoy all of the happy moments with your wee newborn. I become a first-time daddy just over a year ago, and have loved every minute of it since. That even includes the 13 months that we used HIPPIE CLOTH DIAPERS for Studge, Jr., and I had to plop the poopies out before putting them in the hamper. LOVE IT!

  38. I assume Barry’s the father, in keeping with his plan to turn this country socialistmuslimkenyan by impregnating all the white womens. In which case: man, how was he? All we dreamed of? Oh, and congrats! Yes, do sleep when the baby sleeps and stay strong and we will miss you terribly but we will also stay strong. Because its much easier to stay strong when no one is screaming in our houses at night. Best of luck with all that!

  39. [re=397208]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Someone had to ask. But Sara, many congratulations and best wishes with the tadpole. You’ll be the fun mom, no question. If you’re taking name suggestions, how about the obvious (Ba-Rock)? Otherwise, Trog, Trick, Trap, Trot, Troop (for the), or a more feminine version, as needed.

  40. [re=397199]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Oh let me try!!!

    Boy: ReLOVEution (“Jonah”) Trucknutz, III
    Girl: Unicorn Hobobeans (“Meghan”) Diamond

    Srsly though: You made another person. That’s kind of crazy awesome/fucking amazing.

  41. Here is a tip: read some classics, not picture books, to the baby during those long, late nights. Huckleberry Finn or The Old Man and the Sea or Robinson Crusoe is a lot easier to read than a fiftieth iteration of the Very Hungry Caterpillar. It soothes the baby and keeps you sane.

  42. Congratulations Sara! Hopefully you will serve as an example to libruls everywhere and we’ll start outbreeding the righties for a change.

    On second thought, poop duty and sleep deprivation sounds like too much work to expect from the rest of my lazy welfare-receiving, pot-smoking brethren. Perhaps the Dems should hurry up and just legalize the Mexicans instead. They seem to like to procreate.

  43. Congrats Sara! Although I assume you are aware that under the impeding rules of the new socialist health care legislative doom; in order to receive funds for the birthing you need to turn over one old person abusing both Medicare and Social Security to the death panels as recompense for your insistence on adding to the population and overburdening the health system. Hope you’ve got that covered….

  44. AHA! That’s the reason why you’ve been so suspiciously nice when writing about Levi Johnson. Hearty congratulations, SKS, and good luck!

  45. Congrats, Sara. I will now redirect my “having sex with pregnant Wonkette editors” fantasy onto Newell, because I”m not a sexist pervert.

  46. Remember to get MANY copies of it’s birth certificate, and not the “short form”, but the fucking fictional “long form”, with raised stamps, for chrissake. Also, I hope the baby is born on U.S. owned territory, and both parents are already citizens, and what else, hmmmm, let me see. Get the placenta signed by the obstetrician, midwife, doula, etc. with indelible black marker, and freeze it, for future DNA matchup. And several copies of the birth announcement in the newspaper, if one still exists where you live. Otherwise, you can forget about all that “One day you can grow up to be President” stuff.
    Otherwise, good luck and congratulations!

  47. Well, that certainly explains the perky breasts.

    Make sure you get the birth announcement in the local newspapers! You’d be amazed how that can come in handy in another four decades or so…

    Best wishes to you and yours! Having children is the parallel universe of life. Those who don’t never really understand what they have missed!

    And tell the happy Father – next time: Tube sock.

  48. Well Congratulations! This is certainly a shock, because I thought the editors of the Wonkette were all a-sexual robots of some sort. ** confuzzled **

  49. So, you’re telling us that you can’t work from home ’cause of the kid? And pray tell, what are house servants for? Just mixing cocktails?

    PS: Send me the placenta.

  50. [re=397308]Meaux[/re]: I’m sure that Mdme. Smith is too much of a lady to “Barack” and tell, but I have it on good authority that Obama’s “Birth Panels” are absolutely fucking spectacular.

    Think of the orgy scene from Caligula, only with fewer goats and more Barry White.

  51. Oh yes, there will be poop. Unimaginable, lovecraftian , endless poop. It will be in places you never thought were in-poop-able.

    But you will love it. That is the paradox of parenthood., or so they tell me.

    Congratulations, though. The baby couldn’t ask for a wittier parent.

  52. Good luck, Sarah. Order the epidural STAT (like yesterday), yes it hurts more than anything you will ever experience, it’s completely your hubbie’s fault, and you CAN get pregnant while nursing. (We call those babies ‘Arkansas twins’.)

    Also, make sure you get a copy of your baby’s birth certificate (long form)–you can order it while you’re in the hospital. Good luck & oh, that breathing shit doesn’t work worth a damn — GET TEH DRUGS!

  53. SKS!
    There is nothing I can add that hasn’t already been posted and more elegantly than I for sure.

    This is wonderful news. I think your child will have a terrific Mom. And, oh my what amazing sentence structures when the little one begins talking.
    And sad too. I will miss your morning briefings and more. Although the male editors will capably handle the duty, there is nothing like the SKS sensibility. We will miss you!!

    Be well. ‘See’ you sooner.


  55. [re=397353]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: One more thing. Don’t let father in law & uncles near THAT end of you during the birthing. Makes for an uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner, esp. when the turkey with the trussed legs is brought out…

  56. Oh my gosh, I had no idea. Well, congratulations and happy delivery! This will be an interesting experience to see the effects of in utero exposure to snark. Monsieur Grumpe, begin boiling water at once!

  57. Well that explains the wild mood swings these past few months.

    Three months? Mine took seven to learn gun safety, but she comes from lesser stock.

    Best of luck.

  58. [re=397323]The Station Manager[/re]: To my mind, breeder applies to those who breed, whether straight or gay or something else. I think those who use the term (non-breeders, all) should get the same latitude.

  59. Fantastic! Congratulations. And for whatever it’s worth, I think Baby K. Smith is a terrific name – cute, wonketty and dashingly gangsterish all at the same time.

  60. Lucky duck! But does this mean you will have to get, you know, a proper job? If you do come back to Wonkette, I would tell junior about what you do as early as possible to avoid him/her finding out as a teenager or something which could be traumatic. Enjoy that baby!

  61. Well shucks, congratulations and such…In one model of the universe, the worthy departed spirit returns to inhabit a new body, fresh and strong, after having discarded the weary mortal flesh of the previous life.

    So say hi to Ted Kennedy when he’s delivered.

  62. [re=397256]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I vote for Tony the-Tiger!!! Smith (yes the exclamation points and hyphen are part of the proper name (have fun with the SAT with that name kid))

  63. [re=397353]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: That’s wonderful. Never heard Arkansas Twins before. Doubly funny because I’m in Arkansas and one of my (not usually dumb) friends just got knocked up while she was breastfeeding. Well hopefully not WHILE she was breastfeeding, but you get the point.

  64. Stats stats stats, who needs stats. Let’s just pay attention to hyperbole like the wingnuts do.

    “I don’t know anyone who is ACTUALLY supporting X, it must be a liberal media conspriacy.”


    “Everyone I know are havin’ kids, even transexual couples, must be a right wing conspriacy.”

  65. [re=397264]MARCdMan[/re]: [re=397311]S.Luggo[/re]: Congratulations that is truly great. However, I am not sure I would recommend posting pictures of one’s baby to Wonkette – social services might end up becoming involved.

    Also, if your looking for baby names, the Sarah Palin baby name generator gives you “Axe Diesel Palin” if you start with Baby K. Smith.

  66. [re=397175]Buzz Feedback[/re]: you can tell its not her first child because she said the true fact that baby will figure out the safety on the shotgun itself…accidents happens when over-cautious mom gets involved.

    thanks, SaraKSmith, for giving one a reason besides a beautifully glazed Christmas ham to anticipate December.

  67. Congratulations, Sara!

    According to Real Americans, because I am a woman who doesn’t want children AND who volunteers at Planned Parenthood, I’m supposed to hate babies. But I don’t! Especially ones like yours, who will never be close enough to me to spray me with pee, poop, barf or whatever other god-awful thing they emit.

    ENJOY! :) We’ll miss you!

  68. [re=397375]WadISay[/re]:
    I’ll bring the towels you bring the bagpipes.

    Sara, we do get to name the kid… right?

    For a boy how about Zippo, Manfred. or Michael Valentine?

    For a girl Squeaky, Empress of the Universe or Beatrice?

  69. I had no idea, Sara. Congrats, best wishes, and a repeat of everything good I’m sure everyone else has already said above. I will miss you more than you will miss me. I hope you still throw up a random post now and then, or at least jump into the comments here.

    Again, best.

  70. Heavens to Betsy, who knew?! Well, besides those in physical proximity to Mom K.

    No jokes, certainly no snark…just a super-sized e-hug of appreciation and every last best wish in the world.

  71. many congrats SKS! wishing you a peaceful and easy time of it, a beautiful baby and where possible, fast rest.

    who will be doing the exciting morning shift? b/c steve inskeep has been on a roll with republicans…

  72. Sara, congrats! It always makes me happy to see young, attractive, educated liberals reproducing. We need to balance out all the Palins of the world. WONKETTEERS, TO RUT! DO YOUR PART! Mozel Tov!

  73. Blessings upon you and the new wee one, SKS. You are my favorite and I shall certainly miss your wit in the next few months. Unsolicited Advice (a seasoned mother’s perogative and duty): trust your instincts, start paying attention to your local school board now, and don’t be hesitant to ask for help. Oh, and changing tables are a complete waste of money.

  74. Congratulations, Sara! We will miss you. But now I can look forward to Spawn K. Smith’s first blog post, assuming s/he inherits the funny gene. That’s an unexpected bonus.

    Is there a registry? Can we send you diapers or Truck Nutz or an Obama onesie something?

  75. Oh no oh no oh no, not the FUNNY one! I’ll have to find some way to live till December, I just won’t laugh as heartily. Maybe I won’t laugh at all. Oh, I’ll probably chuckle here and there, maybe tee-hee up my sleeve from time to time, but I suspect that pretty soon I’ll be lamenting, like that screechy guy from Led Hindenburg, “Does anybody remember LAUGHTER?” Well, congratulations and all, imminent baby will have the advantage of growing up in one of the funnier households in America. “Take my mom — please!”

  76. Congratulations! However, Baby K. will need more than a mere birth announcement in local paper to vet citizenship claim — inviting Glenn Beck and Lou Dobbs in as witnesses just might keep the birtherism to a minimum in 2044. As a bonus, you can curse at them all you want and then blame the pain, the drugs or both.

  77. Ooh, one more thing: Definitely print out this post for the baby book. Sure, the anal comments might scar your child for life, but it’s still better than naming the baby Trig.

  78. Congratulations! I will miss you in the morning. On the other hand, I can now sleep in, safe in the knowledge that I won’t miss the first several posts. No way Newell is getting up at 8am.

  79. SKS, while you are waiting to give birth, you might pass the time by filling out his/her applications to the best prep schools in town.

    [re=397414]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I like “Jesus” (pron. Hey-zeus)

  80. Best wishes for an easy labor, a healthy baby, and an excellent recovery.

    Does this mean Intern Juli has been sent into the Memory Hole? (That’d be sad, she fits right in.)

  81. Congrats, SKS, on the impending arrival of your Wonkette-ette!

    I had a baby once, (the product of a certain night spent cleaning out the sacramental wine cellar) but they took it away at the nunnery and gave it to a politician and his wife to use as a campaign prop.

  82. Congrats! I found beer in the hospital was a big help. Also when baby cries. Or if you’re out for a meal with baby. Really, anytime works – this is why my 4 year old asks me, ‘Mommy, is that hoppy or malty?’

  83. [re=397237]tootsieroll[/re]: Sadly, this unaborted Obamababy will now live in fear of the death panel its entire life. I hear the first one is in the delivery room–if you don’t weight enough the baby will be late-term aborted and sent to meet Allah.


  84. Congratulations! And if you have bought any yet you’ll need at least two Diaper Genies. Also a 1.75L of whatever you prefer for the day of the birth.

  85. I imagine half the noises Smith Jnr makes over the next six months or so will be more intelligent than Ken’s ponderings… Come back soon, SKS, you will be missed.

    PS: You’re not in Kenya right now or anything are you?

  86. Congrats on getting that TO DO list taken care of for today:

    1) Write witty blog.
    2) Pick up booze and bacon at Whole Foods.
    3) Give birth.

    You go girl.

  87. Wishing you luck!

    Lords knows, the gurgling, mewling, puking, and pooping from your wee little newborn will be less babyish than the shit from those Republican brats.

  88. Huzzah! Congratulations! Also, getting you back in December will be the bestest Chrismas present ever!

    [re=397353]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: My neighbour calls those “Irish twins”. And she should know, as she has several of them.

    [re=397352]Tommmcatt[/re]: “Unimaginable Lovecraftian endless poop” would be a fantastic band name. But what genre of music would the thusly named band play?

  89. Congratulations, SKS! The next dozen years will be some of the most fulfulling of your life, followed by anywhere from 5 to infinite years where you will be humbled into realizing that you really have no control and very little influence over the events of the scariest years of your life. Anyone who believes in the basic rationality or goodness of people has never had a teenager. Send ’em all to Donkey Island. And get off my lawn.

  90. Listening to Mother share stories about how s/he was joyously conceived on Obama’s election night could possibly turn this child into a staunch conservative. Beware the backlash.

  91. By this time, I hope baby K is already here. But I wanted to add my belated ‘congratulations,’ my redundant ‘Lord_I’m-gonna-miss-your-morning-wit,’ and my utterly assured, ‘You’re gonna be one GREAT MOM.’ One quick word of advice from a two-time dad: After the baby’s born, DON’T BLINK! I did and now mine are 21 and 23. Srsly, it happens REALLY fast. Enjoy every minute of it.

  92. Congratulations, Sara! This is wonderful news, although like everyone else here, I’ll miss reading the wonderful words that come out of your television-typewriter-thing. Stay healthy and happy and when the crying and pooping get you down, remember that babyhood is only a temporary phase. (But the Wonkett is forever so hurry on back!)

  93. So, is this a Beavis & Butt-head Do America scenario where Newell or Layne could be the baby-father?

    Or was Sanford in Argentina just a cover for being in another “A” place, Austin?

  94. Congratulations, Sara. Have you considered the classic baby names? Lemonjello and Chlamydia are pretty, and you could still keep Trucknutz for a middle name.

  95. A baby? Really?

    Well, I guess I am OK with it as long as a World Net Daily rep is there to properly document the birth.
    (if your baby-daddy is African, you may need more specialized documentation. Think Lou Dobbs…)

    Best of luck. Also.

  96. A hearty welcome to baby Charlie and many congratulations to you and your husband. Your “voice” will sorely be missed. Many smooches to the bebe!! Enjoy this beautiful time together. Cheers!!!

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