Huckabee To Save America From Impending Electricity-Nuke Attack

  upcoming conferences

This sounds about right, for conferences. While the Democrats are (at least pretending!) to address issues like health insurance/treatment costs, the Republicans aren’t QUEERS so here’s what they care about, this g’damn thing, fuckin’ space nukes ‘n’ robowar. [Washington Independent]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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106 comments


  1. Post author
    Jim Newell

    WHY ARE THERE TWATTER BUTTONS ON THE FRONT PAGE KEN?

    (I will just ask this here, instead of in an e-mail.)

  2. x111e7thst

    I believe that all I need do is add a colander to the tinfoil that I have already wrapped my head with, and I will be fine.

  3. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=393592]thehelveticascenario[/re]: HA. I was going to say that he’s been watching too many “catastrophic clusterfucks of the weeks” on Lifetime.

  4. CrunchyKnee

    Only our defense contract and private sector energy fat-cat betters can save us from the terrifying specter of muslin space grounding faults and what nots!

  5. PrairiePossum

    If the death panels don’t getcha, the fuckin’ space nukular robowar will.

    That oughta teach ya to vote for the muzlin socialist.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    Once a fatty? Yes.
    Got a degree in Religion? Yes.
    Nuclear weapons expert? No.
    Physics PhD? No.
    Served in any capacity on strategic weapons planning? No.
    Once slept at a Holiday Inn? Yes.

    Good enough!

  7. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    How could that man not be one of our nation’s greatest electro-nuclear scientists? His name is ROSCOE FUCKING BARTLETT.

  8. user-of-owls

    Ok, fine. No electricity, transportation, food, water, etc.

    But on the upside, think of what it would do to Dick Cheney’s robotic heart.

  9. NYNYNY

    It is a measure of our collective apathy that this article of dire import hath “0 Tweets”. Wait…maybe there are no tweets because the grid was destroyed.

  10. Better American Than You

    [re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: Oh, I think that TWEET thing is go appeal to the Charles Grassley demographic.

  11. shadowMark

    [re=393592]thehelveticascenario[/re]: Goldeneye had Famke Janssen and Izabella Scorupco. I had to watch it like three times before I noticed things like James Bond and EMP weapons…

  12. SmutBoffin

    EM pulse? That sounds like science talk, buster. Everyone knows that EM radiation is just the emanations of angels — how could that possibly be harmful? Also, the spontaneous release of massive quantities of energy during the fission/fusion of heavy/light nuclei via the weak/strong nuclear forces is just God’s gently chiding voice.

  13. pondscum

    [re=393603]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I thought maybe he had secretly gone back to school and received a degree in electrical engineering. I even read his bio on his really crappy web site just to make sure. But no, the EMP douches are having a pastor/governor speak at their conference. WTF?

  14. hobospacejunkie

    If an EMP cripples our electricity grid we’ll have much bigger problems to worry about. Like the thermonuclear device whose explosion over our home city caused the EMP. We will all pray for a quick death rather than working computers.

  15. the problem child

    EMP is the gods playing dice with the contents of my refrigerator. Which they already do, so why worry.

  16. donner_froh

    [re=393596]x111e7thst[/re]: I have tried the colander but a few invisible EMPs still sneak through. But if you wrap the colander in 20 guage copper wire it stops everything.

  17. Native of SL UT

    And worst of all, because we have no electricity, we will have to write all of our witty comments to Wonkette on the sidewalk with chalk.

  18. drrty martini

    Next week, no doubt, Newt and Huckabee will be discussing the impending Chinese Moon War.

  19. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    How will you prevent and prepare for this? God.

    [re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: Please, like Ken actually reads this site.

  20. Come here a minute

    [re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: U shd hv twatted it to Ken — comments are so five minutes ago.
    Five minutes ago from TwatBerry

  21. Zadig

    Somehow I have my doubts that anyone who has ever been inside the Capitol building could possibly be anything approaching an ‘expert’ on EMP and other assorted nuclear thingies. Let alone ‘foremost’.

  22. ManchuCandidate

    The only James Bond Theme written by Bono…

    See the dumbshits in the conference
    More than tardness in the crowd
    See him bellow and never a thought
    On the wind I feel his breath (Sizzler?)

    Huckabee, I found his weakness
    Huckabee, he’ll do what he needs to feed
    Huckabee, no time for reality
    But a check to him will bring him to his knees

    Youll never know how I watched you eat at Jimmy Deans as a child
    Youll never know how it feels to be the one who is left behind
    Youll never know the tons and the gallons of, the food, the food you’ve eaten
    But now your time has come and facts, facts are not on your side

    See him talk through smoke and mirrors
    Feel his gravity in the crowd (he’s got his gravity well!)
    Other tards they gather around him
    If I voted for him I wouldn’t let him out

  23. facehead

    [re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: TY for breaking the ice on that one. I thought there might be something wrong with my computer.

    If Twitter is paying you guyz for your twats, then: more power to ya/stick it to the man/free Mumia.

    But if not … plz consider a twatsectomy.

  24. Extemporanus

    “…no lights, phones, communication devices, transportation, water, food, or access to money…”

    So, according to the End Times-espousing, fried squirrel-popping, cruicifucking ex-governor Huckabubba, EMPs are a harbinger of the Rapture? He’s gotta be sooo psyched right now!

  25. user-of-owls

    So our distinguished panel of experts include:

    A man who believes that humans rode dinosaurs and who fries squirrels.

    A man who feels serial philandering is consistent with Christian theology.

    And two of the six “Congressional Co-Chairs” who presided over the coronation of Sun Myung Moon as the Messiah.

  26. the bf

    huckabee and gingrich are going to save us from the emp threat? How, by the power of prayer and hypocrisy? Hand me that colander and 20 gauge copper wire, I’m buildin’ me a faraday cage!

  27. ragepotato

    Sweet Jesus, can you imagine how many people will be walking around with their birth certificates in Glad bags at that thing?

  28. shadowMark

    [re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: Luckily I saved my grandfather’s steam-powered Twitter machine so I will not be completely cut off.

  29. V572625694

    First time we or the Israelis or whoever it was captured a Soviet jet fighter, the spy/engineers looked into the avionics and found…vacuum tubes. Much condescending laughter on the part of our guys, until someone pointed out that vacuum tubes are more resistant to EMP than microelectronics. Thus was born “HEMP shielding,” little copper gaskets around the doors of really, really, classified computer centers.

    That said, the person we should trust most to address this critical national security issue is a fat boy from Arkansas who plays bass because he can’t learn the chords to play a six-string geet-ar.

  30. shadowMark

    [re=393632]facehead[/re]: If Twitter is paying you guyz for your twats, then: more power to ya…But if not … plz consider a twatsectomy. — Second that motion.

  31. smitallica

    No phone, no lights, no motorcar? Not a SINGLE luxury?
    Like Robinson Crusoe, just blame the EMP.

  32. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=393611]Better American Than You[/re]: I think the twat icon has been added so we can find out who is a twatter around here so that they can be tracked down and placed in front of a death panel.

    [re=393618]Mista Eko[/re]: Not to mention our only option for bringing down the far Right Christian government after LA is turned into a prison.

    [re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: I’ve been doing that with every comment I post for the last few years? Were we not supposed to do that?

  33. facehead

    [re=393592]thehelveticascenario[/re]: My first thought was the Matrix; which reminds me …

    HOW WILL OSAMA BIN PRESIDENT PROTECT US FROM TEH REAL ARTIFIZIAL INTELLIGENCE THREAT RUN BY THE CIA AND MSNBC WHERE ARE MY GLOVES GOATBOY!!!!! THE PUBIC OPTION IS FOR ROBOT TO TAKE OVER!!!

  34. Hooray For Anything

    And here is your cast of “most knowledgeable minds in the world of EMP”:

    -Famed former fatty Jesus freak whose major claim to fame is managing to be a conservative who isn’t too dickish
    -Still fat serial adulterer blow hard whose major claim to fame is being a conservative who just might be the most dickish of them all
    -Still fat former congressman whose main claim to fame is leaving the house in disgrace for pursuing all sorts of crazy conspiracy theories and making shit up.
    -Some guy named Roscoe

    Where do I sign up?

  35. Elm Hugger

    John Travolta thought that an EMP was a beautiful thing in broken arrow and it didn’t harm the butterflies either so I ain’t going to worry about it. See? Watching all those movies finally paid some real dividends….

  36. SmutBoffin

    [re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: Oh. I assumed most comments written on the walls of restrooms were just that.

  37. AnnieGetYourFun

    Is it me (no), or are Huckabees eyes slowly moving farther and farther to the sides of his head (yes)?

  38. norbizness

    If Huckabee’s involved, I’m guessing the preventive measures will include sticking a turnip up one’s bunghole.

  39. El Pinche

    what the hell is this ? Huckabee talking about something remotely scientific (or at least science-fictiony). No pillars of fire? angelic abductions? great flood 2, or rapture evacuation lanes on federal highways? This is disgusting.

  40. Prommie

    Where is the yellowcake? Smallpox! Code Orange! They have the capacity to envision the preliminary stages of planning for the creation of potential WMD programs! Unga bunga bunga in the binga banga bunga.

  41. Come here a minute

    An Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) is caused by a nuclear weapon detonated
    above the atmosphere or by a natural great geomagnetic storm.

    A.K.A. The Rapture. I hope there will be a session on preparing your non-saved acquaintances for your sudden, unexplained disappearance. I see nothing at all in the conference schedule regarding those of us who will be left behind.

  42. Anonymous Office Zombie

    EMP, schmee-EMP. Why would our enemies even waste their time with this kind of COBRA bullshit when they know all they have to do is wait a couple decades until we’re all so dumb and broke that our infrastructure collapses of it’s own accord?

  43. El Pinche

    [re=393656]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: What the heck is that? Tea Baggers (Patriots) Gone Wild – the Movie?

  44. Ohio Wonkette Fan

    What a panel of psychos. What the crazy birther chick & the Ron Paul family weren’t available? Probably, out desperately seeking Sarah Palin.

  45. El Pinche

    [re=393665]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: No Foxnews! No Newsbusters and NYDN! No Wifeswap! No Twitter and Palins moranic Facebook posts!

  46. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Actually, an EMP would not harm the internet. As we all know, the internet is a series of tubes.

  47. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Next week at AEI: Rep. Tom DeLay discusses Cyberdyne Systems’ new Skynet network and the potential dangers it could pose to the future of humanity if it fell into the wrong hands.

  48. Birdcrash

    In a world without electricity, the price of whale oil will skyrocket–Huckabee family take note.

  49. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Are we sure this isn’t some sort of set up for a new Reality series? We see what happens when a lot of Conservative “Intellectuals” are thrown into a world without electricity, computers, interns or mistresses?

  50. Capitol Hillbilly

    [re=393670]El Pinche[/re]: Movie of Cormac McCarthy novel “The Road” – a real feel-good story.

  51. ManchuCandidate

    [re=393679]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:
    Yup. Truth is, the intertubes was designed to be a nuke proof distributed computer network to keep information flowing not become the world’s masterbatorium.

  52. mookworthjwilson

    [re=393612]shadowMark[/re]: And Famke killed people with her thighs…i think we need a conference to take a good hard (yes i said hard) look at the weapons of mass destruction that are Famke Janssen’s thighs…

  53. Guppy06

    [re=393604]grendel[/re]: Food and water will be fine, but the computer-controlled fuel-injected diesel engines that harvest and ship said food and pump said water are another matter.

    Though I do like the approach here:

    EMP PULSES ARE CAUSED BY NUKULAR MISSILES!!1!11!!one*
    *(and normal solar weather)

    But seriously, this isn’t like the dinosaur-killing comet in terms of regularity but more like, say, the possibility of a category 4 hurricane hitting New Orleans. The sun burps every few years in its regular cycle and so far the results have ranged from throwing circuit breakers to darkening Montreal for 9 hours. Just a little more oomph or in a slightly different direction and someplace that actually matters (i.e. not Canada) would be effected for days if not weeks, and this is probably something that will happen in the next 50 years or so, not the next 5000.

    It’s why the commie pinkos at the Socialized Weather Service monitor space weather.

    http://www.swpc.noaa.gov/

  54. snideinplainsight

    They said “yellowcake” and he thought they meant angel food! They said “launch” and he thought they said “Lunch”! It’s the Uncomprehensible Frying Oddball! He’s certifyably oddball!!

  55. Tybalt

    Sorry, but this scam conference will teach me how to prevent an electromagnetic pulse attack? And if your answer is “pray”, fatfuck, you better damn well pray that you can run fast.

  56. TGY

    I suppose that Hucks could shield us all if he fattens up enough. Yea, since I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Hucks, I will fear no fall-out.

  57. TGY

    [re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: Dude, Twitter is now the communication app of the elite. You didn’t get the memo?

  58. Gopherit

    Maybe the Rapture will cause an EMP? But if that’s true, why the fuck with Huck care? Jesus wants his fat ass back in heaven.

  59. groove

    And they said I was out of my mind for the petabytes of hard disk space I’ve got accumulating in my attic labeled “Internet Backup.”

    We’ll see who has the last laugh.

  60. El Pinche

    [re=393685]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Oh yes, Cormac McCarthy writes some tastey stuff. It looks good!

  61. Monsieur Grumpe

    Being an electrical engineer, I feel I must I must clear up some these “facts” about EMPs.
    First of all, simple aluminum foil, colanders or copper wire will not help. As matter of fact, a copper coil might very well create a very high voltage when exposed to a nuclear generated EMP that would fry your brain like stuck toaster bagel. I recommend covering your self with live cockroaches. Cockroaches can survive anything and make excellent magnetic shields if you feed them a diet high in iron. If you are one the unfortunates that doesn’t have access to a healthy supply of Mr. Grumpy’s Ferrite Roaches™ you can kiss your ass good bye. Ask for them at Radio Shack or as it now known as The Shack.

  62. glamourdammerung

    [re=393604]grendel[/re]: Actually, most water in cities is delivered through electric pumps, so eventually the pressure would drop and water pipes would not work if the stations were without electricity.

  63. lawrenceofthedesert

    C’mon, this is just a ploy for the Huckster to get out his bass and do some heavy, heavy feedback riffs. Who will be on the heavy metal vocals, Pat Boone or Paul Anka? No doubt a Nugent cameo, too. Weren’t they jamming when McCain’t tried to pimp his wife to the bikers?

  64. user-of-owls

    [re=393634]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=393646]Hooray For Anything[/re]: *whistles softly and glances upward suggestively*

  65. user-of-owls

    [re=393680]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Next week at AEI: Rep. Tom DeLay discusses Cyberdyne Systems’ new Skynet network …while doing the Rumba!

  66. snideinplainsight

    … eat their own freakin’ babies by the end of the first week. Seriously, the dead will pity the living. Yeah. That’s why I had those doors installed. You’ll be able to hear them pounding, basically. And the harpoons, just for fun.

    Oh, I’m sorry, is the ceremony about to start? They’re such a cute couple -

  67. imissopus

    Please. God would not let us good Muricans losing access to our precious TV and intraweb and whatnot. Which is why Reagan initiated building a missile defense shield made entirely of angels and prayer.

  68. Bruno

    I think I remember the EMP attack as some weapon you could build in a video game I used to play. I’ll bet Huckabee’s fat dressed alike kids play the same game. Next we’ll have to be worried about some gorilla throwing barrells at us

  69. whiskey tango foxtrot

    [re=393605]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Oh Bartlett.. the guy wants to be Ron Paul so badly it’s really quite sad. Roscoe “P. Coltrane” Bartlett is the most obvious example why Maryland, being juuust below the Mason-Dixon line, it too can have its share of red-state-neck hillbillies.

  70. Chickensmack

    [re=393633]Extemporanus[/re]: If they want to meet Jesus, why do they fret over it so goddamn much, and do everything they can to prevent it?

  71. Beef Supreme

    Also, are we doing everything we can to protect our military supercomputer, WOPR, from being hacked by a high school kid who then plays the game “Global Thermonuclear War” and it starts an actual nuclear war, with the Soviet Union?

  72. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=393653]ManchuCandidate[/re]: But see…there’s the beauty. We cork his ass* and mouth and soon the hot gasses will expand to a point there Huck will float like a balloon. We simply tow him to where we want and leave him there…he will self-detonate, or we can detonate him via cell phone (we can give him a dead cell to make him think he’s in control.

    *not by me, mind you.

  73. aleks

    This is going to fry every squirrel in the county all at once, and you know without a fridgerator they won’t keep more than but a week or two.

  74. Hooray For Anything

    [re=393809]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Gingrich SO wacks off to Tom Clancy novels. And probably puts on Reagan speeches on the stereo to help set the mood.

  75. Aloysius

    “Imagine a world with no lights, phones, communication devices, transportation, water, food, or access to money.”

    No phone? No lights? No motor cars? Not a single luxury? As long as I get dibs on Mary Ann, I’m cool.

  76. aleks

    [re=393814]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Perhaps rather to Dark Angel? No, that would be impossibly human.

  77. Robert Zimmerframe

    [re=393639]V572625694[/re]: vacuum tubes made those jets wail. the transistor planes they have these days just sound cold and harsh.

  78. Darkness

    [re=393672]Uncle Glenny[/re]: No, because that would mean they actually sold something.

    [re=393783]imissopus[/re]: Funny, but if you’d spelled it “looz” you’d have been good.

  79. Jukesgrrl

    [re=393707]Tybalt[/re]: Of course they’ll tell you to pray, but the “scientific” answer they’ll come up with is “Tupperware.” And when they’re all finished with their speeches, they’ll pass around order forms. I highly recommend the little flip-top toothbrush covers to keep the EMP out of your mouth.

    Also. Too. The fatter Huckabee gets, the more we’ll be seeing that photo. It’s his ultra-skinny picture.

  80. Captain Swing

    Nah, teh Huckabee is just kicking around his idea for a new Sci-Fi epic, staring himself as Leader of the Free World, with Chuck and The Nature Boy in spacesuits, kickin’ Chinese butt- I mean, it’s not like he seriously thinks he could ever stand for POTUS… er… Hang on a minute…

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