UPCOMING CONFERENCES  2:18 pm August 24, 2009

Huckabee To Save America From Impending Electricity-Nuke Attack

by Jim Newell

This sounds about right, for conferences. While the Democrats are (at least pretending!) to address issues like health insurance/treatment costs, the Republicans aren’t QUEERS so here’s what they care about, this g’damn thing, fuckin’ space nukes ‘n’ robowar. [Washington Independent]

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Hola wonkerados.

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thehelveticascenario August 24, 2009 at 2:21 pm

I have a feeling someone just watched an airing of Goldeneye on cable TV.

Jim Newell August 24, 2009 at 2:21 pm


(I will just ask this here, instead of in an e-mail.)

Servo August 24, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Ever hear of solar storms, Dipshit Magoo?

shadowMark August 24, 2009 at 2:23 pm
x111e7thst August 24, 2009 at 2:24 pm

I believe that all I need do is add a colander to the tinfoil that I have already wrapped my head with, and I will be fine.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 24, 2009 at 2:25 pm

[re=393592]thehelveticascenario[/re]: HA. I was going to say that he’s been watching too many “catastrophic clusterfucks of the weeks” on Lifetime.

CrunchyKnee August 24, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Only our defense contract and private sector energy fat-cat betters can save us from the terrifying specter of muslin space grounding faults and what nots!

PrairiePossum August 24, 2009 at 2:26 pm

If the death panels don’t getcha, the fuckin’ space nukular robowar will.

That oughta teach ya to vote for the muzlin socialist.

Number6 August 24, 2009 at 2:27 pm

But that’s how we’ll know that Jeebus is coming back.

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Once a fatty? Yes.
Got a degree in Religion? Yes.
Nuclear weapons expert? No.
Physics PhD? No.
Served in any capacity on strategic weapons planning? No.
Once slept at a Holiday Inn? Yes.

Good enough!

grendel August 24, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Oh noes! An EMP is going to evaporate all the food and water! Wait… what?

Botswana Meat Commission FC August 24, 2009 at 2:30 pm

How could that man not be one of our nation’s greatest electro-nuclear scientists? His name is ROSCOE FUCKING BARTLETT.

user-of-owls August 24, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Ok, fine. No electricity, transportation, food, water, etc.

But on the upside, think of what it would do to Dick Cheney’s robotic heart.

NYNYNY August 24, 2009 at 2:31 pm

It is a measure of our collective apathy that this article of dire import hath “0 Tweets”. Wait…maybe there are no tweets because the grid was destroyed.

El Pinche August 24, 2009 at 2:31 pm

damn, all the republicans have gone completely insane.

Better American Than You August 24, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: Oh, I think that TWEET thing is go appeal to the Charles Grassley demographic.

shadowMark August 24, 2009 at 2:33 pm

[re=393592]thehelveticascenario[/re]: Goldeneye had Famke Janssen and Izabella Scorupco. I had to watch it like three times before I noticed things like James Bond and EMP weapons…

SmutBoffin August 24, 2009 at 2:33 pm

EM pulse? That sounds like science talk, buster. Everyone knows that EM radiation is just the emanations of angels — how could that possibly be harmful? Also, the spontaneous release of massive quantities of energy during the fission/fusion of heavy/light nuclei via the weak/strong nuclear forces is just God’s gently chiding voice.

pondscum August 24, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=393603]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I thought maybe he had secretly gone back to school and received a degree in electrical engineering. I even read his bio on his really crappy web site just to make sure. But no, the EMP douches are having a pastor/governor speak at their conference. WTF?

hobospacejunkie August 24, 2009 at 2:34 pm

If an EMP cripples our electricity grid we’ll have much bigger problems to worry about. Like the thermonuclear device whose explosion over our home city caused the EMP. We will all pray for a quick death rather than working computers.

orange August 24, 2009 at 2:34 pm

hahaha. someone should nuke his buck-teef.

the problem child August 24, 2009 at 2:35 pm

EMP is the gods playing dice with the contents of my refrigerator. Which they already do, so why worry.

Mista Eko August 24, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Don’t knock the EMP. It’s our only defense against the Matrix robot menace.

donner_froh August 24, 2009 at 2:36 pm

[re=393596]x111e7thst[/re]: I have tried the colander but a few invisible EMPs still sneak through. But if you wrap the colander in 20 guage copper wire it stops everything.

Native of SL UT August 24, 2009 at 2:36 pm

And worst of all, because we have no electricity, we will have to write all of our witty comments to Wonkette on the sidewalk with chalk.

Gorillionaire August 24, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Huck should use that pic alongside all kinds of doom and gloom stuff. It’s hilarious.

drrty martini August 24, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Next week, no doubt, Newt and Huckabee will be discussing the impending Chinese Moon War.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 24, 2009 at 2:38 pm

How will you prevent and prepare for this? God.

[re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: Please, like Ken actually reads this site.

Come here a minute August 24, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: U shd hv twatted it to Ken — comments are so five minutes ago.
Five minutes ago from TwatBerry

Zadig August 24, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Somehow I have my doubts that anyone who has ever been inside the Capitol building could possibly be anything approaching an ‘expert’ on EMP and other assorted nuclear thingies. Let alone ‘foremost’.

Tommmcatt August 24, 2009 at 2:39 pm

The phrase “EM Pulse” gets me all wet, for some reason. Just sounds sexxxxxyyyyy….

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2009 at 2:39 pm

The only James Bond Theme written by Bono…

See the dumbshits in the conference
More than tardness in the crowd
See him bellow and never a thought
On the wind I feel his breath (Sizzler?)

Huckabee, I found his weakness
Huckabee, he’ll do what he needs to feed
Huckabee, no time for reality
But a check to him will bring him to his knees

Youll never know how I watched you eat at Jimmy Deans as a child
Youll never know how it feels to be the one who is left behind
Youll never know the tons and the gallons of, the food, the food you’ve eaten
But now your time has come and facts, facts are not on your side

See him talk through smoke and mirrors
Feel his gravity in the crowd (he’s got his gravity well!)
Other tards they gather around him
If I voted for him I wouldn’t let him out

the problem child August 24, 2009 at 2:40 pm

But what if it is the Eye of Sauron, but with electrics? http://tinyurl.com/lhhksc

facehead August 24, 2009 at 2:40 pm

[re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: TY for breaking the ice on that one. I thought there might be something wrong with my computer.

If Twitter is paying you guyz for your twats, then: more power to ya/stick it to the man/free Mumia.

But if not … plz consider a twatsectomy.

Extemporanus August 24, 2009 at 2:41 pm

“…no lights, phones, communication devices, transportation, water, food, or access to money…”

So, according to the End Times-espousing, fried squirrel-popping, cruicifucking ex-governor Huckabubba, EMPs are a harbinger of the Rapture? He’s gotta be sooo psyched right now!

user-of-owls August 24, 2009 at 2:41 pm

So our distinguished panel of experts include:

A man who believes that humans rode dinosaurs and who fries squirrels.

A man who feels serial philandering is consistent with Christian theology.

And two of the six “Congressional Co-Chairs” who presided over the coronation of Sun Myung Moon as the Messiah.

the bf August 24, 2009 at 2:43 pm

huckabee and gingrich are going to save us from the emp threat? How, by the power of prayer and hypocrisy? Hand me that colander and 20 gauge copper wire, I’m buildin’ me a faraday cage!

ragepotato August 24, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Sweet Jesus, can you imagine how many people will be walking around with their birth certificates in Glad bags at that thing?

shadowMark August 24, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: Luckily I saved my grandfather’s steam-powered Twitter machine so I will not be completely cut off.

V572625694 August 24, 2009 at 2:45 pm

First time we or the Israelis or whoever it was captured a Soviet jet fighter, the spy/engineers looked into the avionics and found…vacuum tubes. Much condescending laughter on the part of our guys, until someone pointed out that vacuum tubes are more resistant to EMP than microelectronics. Thus was born “HEMP shielding,” little copper gaskets around the doors of really, really, classified computer centers.

That said, the person we should trust most to address this critical national security issue is a fat boy from Arkansas who plays bass because he can’t learn the chords to play a six-string geet-ar.

shadowMark August 24, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=393632]facehead[/re]: If Twitter is paying you guyz for your twats, then: more power to ya…But if not … plz consider a twatsectomy. — Second that motion.

smitallica August 24, 2009 at 2:46 pm

No phone, no lights, no motorcar? Not a SINGLE luxury?
Like Robinson Crusoe, just blame the EMP.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 24, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=393611]Better American Than You[/re]: I think the twat icon has been added so we can find out who is a twatter around here so that they can be tracked down and placed in front of a death panel.

[re=393618]Mista Eko[/re]: Not to mention our only option for bringing down the far Right Christian government after LA is turned into a prison.

[re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: I’ve been doing that with every comment I post for the last few years? Were we not supposed to do that?

facehead August 24, 2009 at 2:48 pm

[re=393592]thehelveticascenario[/re]: My first thought was the Matrix; which reminds me …


Dashboard_Buddha August 24, 2009 at 2:49 pm

What if they detonate a Huckabee in low Earth orbit?

Hooray For Anything August 24, 2009 at 2:49 pm

And here is your cast of “most knowledgeable minds in the world of EMP”:

-Famed former fatty Jesus freak whose major claim to fame is managing to be a conservative who isn’t too dickish
-Still fat serial adulterer blow hard whose major claim to fame is being a conservative who just might be the most dickish of them all
-Still fat former congressman whose main claim to fame is leaving the house in disgrace for pursuing all sorts of crazy conspiracy theories and making shit up.
-Some guy named Roscoe

Where do I sign up?

Elm Hugger August 24, 2009 at 2:49 pm

John Travolta thought that an EMP was a beautiful thing in broken arrow and it didn’t harm the butterflies either so I ain’t going to worry about it. See? Watching all those movies finally paid some real dividends….

twowheeljunkie August 24, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: LOL. I nominate you for comment of the week.

SmutBoffin August 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

[re=393621]Native of SL UT[/re]: Oh. I assumed most comments written on the walls of restrooms were just that.

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2009 at 2:52 pm

No rocket powerful enough to get him into orbit.

AnnieGetYourFun August 24, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Is it me (no), or are Huckabees eyes slowly moving farther and farther to the sides of his head (yes)?

norbizness August 24, 2009 at 2:52 pm

If Huckabee’s involved, I’m guessing the preventive measures will include sticking a turnip up one’s bunghole.

Capitol Hillbilly August 24, 2009 at 2:53 pm

When this shit goes down, I want Huck at the helm:


El Pinche August 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm

what the hell is this ? Huckabee talking about something remotely scientific (or at least science-fictiony). No pillars of fire? angelic abductions? great flood 2, or rapture evacuation lanes on federal highways? This is disgusting.

Prommie August 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm

Where is the yellowcake? Smallpox! Code Orange! They have the capacity to envision the preliminary stages of planning for the creation of potential WMD programs! Unga bunga bunga in the binga banga bunga.

Come here a minute August 24, 2009 at 2:54 pm

An Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) is caused by a nuclear weapon detonated
above the atmosphere or by a natural great geomagnetic storm.

A.K.A. The Rapture. I hope there will be a session on preparing your non-saved acquaintances for your sudden, unexplained disappearance. I see nothing at all in the conference schedule regarding those of us who will be left behind.

Johnny Zhivago August 24, 2009 at 2:56 pm

The loss of American television, radio and the Internet is a bad thing?

Jim89048 August 24, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Without electricity we’ll have Huck Unplugged, and that sounds OK to me.

Anonymous Office Zombie August 24, 2009 at 2:57 pm

EMP, schmee-EMP. Why would our enemies even waste their time with this kind of COBRA bullshit when they know all they have to do is wait a couple decades until we’re all so dumb and broke that our infrastructure collapses of it’s own accord?

El Pinche August 24, 2009 at 3:00 pm

[re=393656]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: What the heck is that? Tea Baggers (Patriots) Gone Wild – the Movie?

Uncle Glenny August 24, 2009 at 3:01 pm

This is really just Amway expanding into tinfoil hats and copper shielding, right?

Ohio Wonkette Fan August 24, 2009 at 3:01 pm

What a panel of psychos. What the crazy birther chick & the Ron Paul family weren’t available? Probably, out desperately seeking Sarah Palin.

El Pinche August 24, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=393665]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: No Foxnews! No Newsbusters and NYDN! No Wifeswap! No Twitter and Palins moranic Facebook posts!

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 24, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Actually, an EMP would not harm the internet. As we all know, the internet is a series of tubes.

Manos: Hands of Fate August 24, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Next week at AEI: Rep. Tom DeLay discusses Cyberdyne Systems’ new Skynet network and the potential dangers it could pose to the future of humanity if it fell into the wrong hands.

Birdcrash August 24, 2009 at 3:03 pm

In a world without electricity, the price of whale oil will skyrocket–Huckabee family take note.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 24, 2009 at 3:05 pm

Are we sure this isn’t some sort of set up for a new Reality series? We see what happens when a lot of Conservative “Intellectuals” are thrown into a world without electricity, computers, interns or mistresses?

Capitol Hillbilly August 24, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=393670]El Pinche[/re]: Movie of Cormac McCarthy novel “The Road” – a real feel-good story.

Mothra Stewart August 24, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Somebody’s been reading Whitley Streiber’s “Warday”

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=393679]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:
Yup. Truth is, the intertubes was designed to be a nuke proof distributed computer network to keep information flowing not become the world’s masterbatorium.

mookworthjwilson August 24, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=393612]shadowMark[/re]: And Famke killed people with her thighs…i think we need a conference to take a good hard (yes i said hard) look at the weapons of mass destruction that are Famke Janssen’s thighs…

ManchuCandidate August 24, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Not just the Hucks, but the entire South.

Guppy06 August 24, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=393604]grendel[/re]: Food and water will be fine, but the computer-controlled fuel-injected diesel engines that harvest and ship said food and pump said water are another matter.

Though I do like the approach here:

*(and normal solar weather)

But seriously, this isn’t like the dinosaur-killing comet in terms of regularity but more like, say, the possibility of a category 4 hurricane hitting New Orleans. The sun burps every few years in its regular cycle and so far the results have ranged from throwing circuit breakers to darkening Montreal for 9 hours. Just a little more oomph or in a slightly different direction and someplace that actually matters (i.e. not Canada) would be effected for days if not weeks, and this is probably something that will happen in the next 50 years or so, not the next 5000.

It’s why the commie pinkos at the Socialized Weather Service monitor space weather.


snideinplainsight August 24, 2009 at 3:15 pm

They said “yellowcake” and he thought they meant angel food! They said “launch” and he thought they said “Lunch”! It’s the Uncomprehensible Frying Oddball! He’s certifyably oddball!!

Tybalt August 24, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Sorry, but this scam conference will teach me how to prevent an electromagnetic pulse attack? And if your answer is “pray”, fatfuck, you better damn well pray that you can run fast.

TGY August 24, 2009 at 3:21 pm

I suppose that Hucks could shield us all if he fattens up enough. Yea, since I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Hucks, I will fear no fall-out.

TGY August 24, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=393593]Jim Newell[/re]: Dude, Twitter is now the communication app of the elite. You didn’t get the memo?

Gopherit August 24, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Maybe the Rapture will cause an EMP? But if that’s true, why the fuck with Huck care? Jesus wants his fat ass back in heaven.

Suds McKenzie August 24, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=393645]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: it will rain chard squirrels.

groove August 24, 2009 at 3:27 pm

And they said I was out of my mind for the petabytes of hard disk space I’ve got accumulating in my attic labeled “Internet Backup.”

We’ll see who has the last laugh.

El Pinche August 24, 2009 at 3:30 pm

[re=393685]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Oh yes, Cormac McCarthy writes some tastey stuff. It looks good!

Jim89048 August 24, 2009 at 3:32 pm

[re=393698]Guppy06[/re]: With the resultant baby-birther boom v. 2.0 starting in 3,2,1…

Monsieur Grumpe August 24, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Being an electrical engineer, I feel I must I must clear up some these “facts” about EMPs.
First of all, simple aluminum foil, colanders or copper wire will not help. As matter of fact, a copper coil might very well create a very high voltage when exposed to a nuclear generated EMP that would fry your brain like stuck toaster bagel. I recommend covering your self with live cockroaches. Cockroaches can survive anything and make excellent magnetic shields if you feed them a diet high in iron. If you are one the unfortunates that doesn’t have access to a healthy supply of Mr. Grumpy’s Ferrite Roaches™ you can kiss your ass good bye. Ask for them at Radio Shack or as it now known as The Shack.

glamourdammerung August 24, 2009 at 3:34 pm

[re=393604]grendel[/re]: Actually, most water in cities is delivered through electric pumps, so eventually the pressure would drop and water pipes would not work if the stations were without electricity.

Flanders August 24, 2009 at 3:42 pm

We are all Twitter now.

lawrenceofthedesert August 24, 2009 at 3:46 pm

C’mon, this is just a ploy for the Huckster to get out his bass and do some heavy, heavy feedback riffs. Who will be on the heavy metal vocals, Pat Boone or Paul Anka? No doubt a Nugent cameo, too. Weren’t they jamming when McCain’t tried to pimp his wife to the bikers?

user-of-owls August 24, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=393634]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=393646]Hooray For Anything[/re]: *whistles softly and glances upward suggestively*

user-of-owls August 24, 2009 at 3:52 pm

[re=393680]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Next week at AEI: Rep. Tom DeLay discusses Cyberdyne Systems’ new Skynet network …while doing the Rumba!

snideinplainsight August 24, 2009 at 3:56 pm

… eat their own freakin’ babies by the end of the first week. Seriously, the dead will pity the living. Yeah. That’s why I had those doors installed. You’ll be able to hear them pounding, basically. And the harpoons, just for fun.

Oh, I’m sorry, is the ceremony about to start? They’re such a cute couple -

imissopus August 24, 2009 at 4:04 pm

Please. God would not let us good Muricans losing access to our precious TV and intraweb and whatnot. Which is why Reagan initiated building a missile defense shield made entirely of angels and prayer.

imissopus August 24, 2009 at 4:08 pm

[re=393779]imissopus[/re]: Oops, that’s “lose access.” Stupid brain.

Bruno August 24, 2009 at 4:12 pm

I think I remember the EMP attack as some weapon you could build in a video game I used to play. I’ll bet Huckabee’s fat dressed alike kids play the same game. Next we’ll have to be worried about some gorilla throwing barrells at us

whiskey tango foxtrot August 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm

[re=393605]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Oh Bartlett.. the guy wants to be Ron Paul so badly it’s really quite sad. Roscoe “P. Coltrane” Bartlett is the most obvious example why Maryland, being juuust below the Mason-Dixon line, it too can have its share of red-state-neck hillbillies.

Chickensmack August 24, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=393633]Extemporanus[/re]: If they want to meet Jesus, why do they fret over it so goddamn much, and do everything they can to prevent it?

Beef Supreme August 24, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Also, are we doing everything we can to protect our military supercomputer, WOPR, from being hacked by a high school kid who then plays the game “Global Thermonuclear War” and it starts an actual nuclear war, with the Soviet Union?

Dashboard_Buddha August 24, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=393653]ManchuCandidate[/re]: But see…there’s the beauty. We cork his ass* and mouth and soon the hot gasses will expand to a point there Huck will float like a balloon. We simply tow him to where we want and leave him there…he will self-detonate, or we can detonate him via cell phone (we can give him a dead cell to make him think he’s in control.

*not by me, mind you.

DangerousLiberal August 24, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Looks like someone’s been spankin’ it to Tom Clancy novels, again, also.

aleks August 24, 2009 at 4:42 pm

This is going to fry every squirrel in the county all at once, and you know without a fridgerator they won’t keep more than but a week or two.

Hooray For Anything August 24, 2009 at 4:44 pm

[re=393809]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Gingrich SO wacks off to Tom Clancy novels. And probably puts on Reagan speeches on the stereo to help set the mood.

Aloysius August 24, 2009 at 5:40 pm

“Imagine a world with no lights, phones, communication devices, transportation, water, food, or access to money.”

No phone? No lights? No motor cars? Not a single luxury? As long as I get dibs on Mary Ann, I’m cool.

aleks August 24, 2009 at 6:04 pm

[re=393814]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Perhaps rather to Dark Angel? No, that would be impossibly human.

Robert Zimmerframe August 24, 2009 at 10:32 pm

[re=393639]V572625694[/re]: vacuum tubes made those jets wail. the transistor planes they have these days just sound cold and harsh.

Darkness August 24, 2009 at 11:40 pm

[re=393672]Uncle Glenny[/re]: No, because that would mean they actually sold something.

[re=393783]imissopus[/re]: Funny, but if you’d spelled it “looz” you’d have been good.

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2009 at 12:22 am

[re=393707]Tybalt[/re]: Of course they’ll tell you to pray, but the “scientific” answer they’ll come up with is “Tupperware.” And when they’re all finished with their speeches, they’ll pass around order forms. I highly recommend the little flip-top toothbrush covers to keep the EMP out of your mouth.

Also. Too. The fatter Huckabee gets, the more we’ll be seeing that photo. It’s his ultra-skinny picture.

GreatOldOnesParty August 25, 2009 at 12:35 am

[re=393656]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Dude! It’s Mad Max!

Captain Swing August 25, 2009 at 8:14 am

Nah, teh Huckabee is just kicking around his idea for a new Sci-Fi epic, staring himself as Leader of the Free World, with Chuck and The Nature Boy in spacesuits, kickin’ Chinese butt- I mean, it’s not like he seriously thinks he could ever stand for POTUS… er… Hang on a minute…

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