rumors on the internets

Republicans Wait Patiently For That Special Someone

  • Their fingers are bedecked in all kinds of purity jewelry, for they have taken an oath of abstinence, a solemn promise to wait until Rush Limbaugh tells them it’s okay to say “yes” to something other than anal. But until then, the Republicans must fight the lustful Yes Demons in their heads. [Think Progress]
  • There is a malicious rumor that Big Government will get between seniors and their Medicare, like an enormous slimy corn intervening between their toes. A terrible lie, debunked by Michael Steele. [Matt Yglesias]
  • Did you know that a squadron of power drill-wielding CIA agents found a stack of graphic torture anime, in Al-Qaeda’s Torture House (not to be confused with Al-Qaeda’s famous Waffle House)? Well now you know. [Gateway Pundit]
  • From the Merriam-RedState Dictionary: hy·poc·ri·sy (n) – “Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe. An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.” The End. [RedState]
  • Barack Obama had a sexy “golf foursome” on Martha’s Vineyard. [The Caucus]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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49 comments

  1. Dean Booth

    Coming soon: Leon Panetta’s 3-D House of Torture [eerie music plays while a power drill repeatedly moves toward and then away from the camera]

  2. Kaylub

    That Red State thing is the worst laid out blog post in the history of the world. (And also kinda dumb; the Ten Commandments say adultery is pretty bad, don’t do that stuff yo).

  3. idiot son of an asshole

    Oh wow… that RedState post is hard to read in it tortured logic. Apparently, freepers think that the ethical and legal codes that business’s are managed by can be equated to the personal moral code of a religious (specifically, Christian) individual? Someone translate, please.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Gateway Pundit demands to know why only evil people are allowed to torture. Oblivious to the fact that the question sorta answers itself.

  5. slappypaddy

    [re=393944]Kaylub[/re]: “the Ten Commandments say adultery is pretty bad, don’t do that stuff”

    i think jesus was pretty down on it, too, if forgiving on occasion. not to cast the first stone here, but an outspoken christian who commits adultery is not a christian. it’s a matter of definitions, redstate dictionary be damned. i know wingnuts don’t get it, but words mean things. you can look it up.

  6. Serolf Divad

    Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe. An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.

    If there were a Conservative Manifesto, these would be the opening lines.

  7. masterdebater

    “From the Merriam-RedState Dictionary: hy·poc·ri·sy (n) – “Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe. An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.”’

    This explains sooo much. I was wondering why stuff like divorce and mensroom sex were OK if you are a conservatard. Ok. So, it’s like back when a Baptist Sunday School teacher was running against a divorced, failed B-movie actor, and the moral thing to do was vote for the wingtard with dementtia. See, I always wondered about that.

  8. Min

    An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.

    A solipsism only a Republican could espouse with a straight face.

  9. Johnny Zhivago

    Power drill and guns are a potent mixture that will work with any NRA member, as in “shut the fuck up, or I will drill a whole through your gun”.

  10. BlueStateLibtard

    So, if I tell everyone that I think murder is wrong, but I really don’t, I’m a hypocrite. But if I believe murder is wrong, and then break one of their necks over there at red state, it’s alright? OK, got it, thanx, bye.

  11. widget09

    The lustful sex demons are winning. Not to worry, when one falls off the monomagy wagon, Jesus will be there to forgive.

  12. user-of-owls

    [re=393954]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=393956]Min[/re]: Hence, logically speaking, an outspoken Christian who commits abortion is not a hypocrite.

  13. Eric Cheney

    That Gateway Pundit guy needs to be working at DOJ. He’s smart enough to know there’s no difference between the suspects and the convicted in the post 9/11 world of right wing lunatics.

  14. Zadig

    Not only is the Redstate view of hypocrisy pretty damn nebulous, their argument about Android is ridiculous. The only way to get applications on the iPhone is the App store. Android lets you install stuff that’s not in the store. So they don’t come right out in their storefront and advertise a competing service? Boo fucking hoo, learn to sudo apt get. The whole point of the apple/at&t debacle is that alternatives should be available, not that they should be handed to you on a silver fucking platter.

    There, nerd rage all done.

  15. Jim89048

    [re=393935]Joshua Norton[/re]: Brought to us by the same pricks that wanted to see Bill Clinton’s prick. They never forgave him for keeping it in his pants that time.

  16. x111e7thst

    [re=393955]masterdebater[/re]: So if you are a total tard (with no clue beyond Rush Limpy’s latest pronouncement) what you actually believe, then you can never be a hypocrite.

    On the other hand if you use a better definition of hypocrisy like ” Hypocrisy is the act of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have.” then being a tard and a hypocrite are not mutually exclusive.

  17. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Poor Riley, his young, still forming mind exposed to RedState, Freeper and other Conservative logic. It is a wonder that his brain does not explode. I assume that he must go home at the end of the day, down a fifth of bourbon, and beat his cat just so he can be somewhat functional.

  18. Katydid

    Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker, why can’t those redstate people think for themselves?????

    One of them actually tried to – very very gently – confront the asinine blogger’s crazyfuck description of hypocrisy, and the blogger comes back at him at all snotty and threatening. The person who confronted him immediately backs down, terrified of the guy’s disapproval. Then he asks to e-mail about it, asks if the blogger can find his e-mail address, and the fucking crazyfuck blogger posts this: “The features that make banning easy also make looking up addresses easy.”

    Is that a goddammed threat? Jesus, those redstate people are so afraid of offending the bloggers. And the commenter falls all over himself saying how he’s not really disagreeing, please don’t hate me, oh oh oh….

    WTF is so wrong with redstate people that they have this sick subserviance to any kind of authority figure, even if it’s someone with no real authority at all?

    Sorry, but this is all your fault, Wonkette. Stop making me click on redstate links. (Or don’t. Whatever you say, Wonkette. Don’t hate me. Don’t ban me. Don’t kill me. Love me, love me, Wonkette.)

    Jesus fuck.

  19. Robert Zimmerframe

    Surely we are now only one lunar cycle from “well, in this country there’s nothing wrong or illegal about being a hypocrite. Why do you hate America?”.

  20. AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=393990]Katydid[/re]:

    It’s because if one member of their caucus is ousted, they no longer have access to the communal cock bowl.

  21. Katydid

    [re=394001]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: well, why don’t we send a nice bag of lightly salted dicks their way?

    At least we know they won’t be hypocrites when they fight each other to get at ‘em.

  22. El Pinche

    [re=393990]Katydid[/re]: Hahaha, well, if you think of Conservatism as a mental disorder , then it’s not so frustrating.

  23. hobospacejunkie

    [re=393990]Katydid[/re]: Excellent rant. They are truly demented and will contort themselves into previously unimaginable positions to defend their indensibles. On the other end of the spectrum, we just say “oh, he got BJ in the Oval Office? Well, OK. That’s probably not a good idea but it doesn’t make him Satan.”

  24. Darkness

    “Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe.

    . . . as indicated by their actions?? Such as sleeping around while married may indicate that you don’t truly believe in not sleeping around while married even though you pontificate at length especially regards the president on exactly this topic.

    Or perhaps for Redstate, BELIEFS need not lead to matching ACTIONS. Which I would not be at all surprised to hear.

  25. Katydid

    [re=394009]El Pinche[/re]: I think of Christopher Buckley as a conservative. I rarely agree with him, and he can be a dick, but he doesn’t have to be, and at least he thinks for himself.

    Those redstate people are just insane cultists.

  26. S.Luggo

    And in the news:
    *********
    http://blogs.mcall.com/penn_ave/2009/08/specter-urges-hearing-on-the-death-book.html
    August 24, 2009
    — Specter urges hearing on “the [VA’s] death book”. —
    Ardent Specter (Republicrat-PA) now trying to beat Chuck Grassley to the sucker punch.
    ******
    WSJ Article.
    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204683204574358590107981718.html
    “The [VA’s] Death Book for Veterans
    Ex-soldiers don’t need to be told they’re a burden”

  27. hobospacejunkie

    OT: If lusting after the New Yorker‘s Jane Mayer (appearing on Countdown) is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

  28. SayItWithWookies

    [re=393978]deecaffeinated[/re]: You think they didn’t read the definitive ravings of the circumcision-obsessed, bullying, self-righteous homophobe Saul of Tarsus? Oh, I believe they have.

  29. chascates

    The GOP has dreams about getting rid of Medicare and Social Security.If Grandma can’t realize that she should face a death panel.

  30. Bearbloke

    [re=393935]Joshua Norton[/re]: None of the controversy about Obama’s Kenyan Kok-meat can be settled until Oily Titz DDS performs an oral examination…

  31. Katydid

    [re=394029]facehead[/re]: thank you! I laughed so at this that I lost my very foul mood. I’d better stop clicking on redstate links. Bad Wonkette!

  32. SayItWithWookies

    [re=394025]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Oh, I’m not going to hold him accountable for shit his followers did long after he was dead. Don’t want folks to think he missed out on the highlight of his cultural heritage.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    [re=393939]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: “Smith & Wesson or Black & Decker?”
    Actually they’re Skilsaw electric drills donated by Mrs. Mark Sanford after she was finished using them on her hubby.

  34. imissopus

    Did I read that thing on RedState correctly? A conservative is pissed because a business wants a monopoly on an area where it can make money? And bitching because Google is trying to avoid the FCC?

    What a world.

  35. norbizness

    I am now convinced that you constantly link/siphon traffic to Redstate only to piss me right the fuck off. You don’t want to hear my alternate theories.

  36. gurukalehuru

    Oh, that Shimkus video is gold, gold, I tells ya. Never in the history of all public speaking has a speaker been so embarrassingly out of synch with his audience.
    Hysterical don’t play in the Midwest. We pride ourselves on being boring.

Comments are closed.