RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  6:25 pm August 24, 2009

Republicans Wait Patiently For That Special Someone

by Riley Waggaman

  • Their fingers are bedecked in all kinds of purity jewelry, for they have taken an oath of abstinence, a solemn promise to wait until Rush Limbaugh tells them it’s okay to say “yes” to something other than anal. But until then, the Republicans must fight the lustful Yes Demons in their heads. [Think Progress]
  • There is a malicious rumor that Big Government will get between seniors and their Medicare, like an enormous slimy corn intervening between their toes. A terrible lie, debunked by Michael Steele. [Matt Yglesias]
  • Did you know that a squadron of power drill-wielding CIA agents found a stack of graphic torture anime, in Al-Qaeda’s Torture House (not to be confused with Al-Qaeda’s famous Waffle House)? Well now you know. [Gateway Pundit]
  • From the Merriam-RedState Dictionary: hy·poc·ri·sy (n) – “Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe. An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.” The End. [RedState]
  • Barack Obama had a sexy “golf foursome” on Martha’s Vineyard. [The Caucus]
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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liquiddaddy August 24, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Enough with the waffles already.

Joshua Norton August 24, 2009 at 6:32 pm

Wingnutters have “no” on their lips, but lust in their dirty little hearts. Now they want Barry to flash them his weiner.

Big difference between partys. No Dem would ever want to see a wingnut’s schlong.

Dean Booth August 24, 2009 at 6:35 pm

Coming soon: Leon Panetta’s 3-D House of Torture [eerie music plays while a power drill repeatedly moves toward and then away from the camera]

Smoke Filled Roommate August 24, 2009 at 6:37 pm

Smith & Wesson or Black & Decker?

Kaylub August 24, 2009 at 6:41 pm

That Red State thing is the worst laid out blog post in the history of the world. (And also kinda dumb; the Ten Commandments say adultery is pretty bad, don’t do that stuff yo).

idiot son of an asshole August 24, 2009 at 6:48 pm

Oh wow… that RedState post is hard to read in it tortured logic. Apparently, freepers think that the ethical and legal codes that business’s are managed by can be equated to the personal moral code of a religious (specifically, Christian) individual? Someone translate, please.

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Gateway Pundit demands to know why only evil people are allowed to torture. Oblivious to the fact that the question sorta answers itself.

slappypaddy August 24, 2009 at 6:52 pm

[re=393944]Kaylub[/re]: “the Ten Commandments say adultery is pretty bad, don’t do that stuff”

i think jesus was pretty down on it, too, if forgiving on occasion. not to cast the first stone here, but an outspoken christian who commits adultery is not a christian. it’s a matter of definitions, redstate dictionary be damned. i know wingnuts don’t get it, but words mean things. you can look it up.

Serolf Divad August 24, 2009 at 6:56 pm

Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe. An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.

If there were a Conservative Manifesto, these would be the opening lines.

masterdebater August 24, 2009 at 7:00 pm

“From the Merriam-RedState Dictionary: hy·poc·ri·sy (n) – “Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe. An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.”’

This explains sooo much. I was wondering why stuff like divorce and mensroom sex were OK if you are a conservatard. Ok. So, it’s like back when a Baptist Sunday School teacher was running against a divorced, failed B-movie actor, and the moral thing to do was vote for the wingtard with dementtia. See, I always wondered about that.

Min August 24, 2009 at 7:02 pm

An outspoken Christian who commits adultery is not a hypocrite.

A solipsism only a Republican could espouse with a straight face.

Johnny Zhivago August 24, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Power drill and guns are a potent mixture that will work with any NRA member, as in “shut the fuck up, or I will drill a whole through your gun”.

BlueStateLibtard August 24, 2009 at 7:10 pm

So, if I tell everyone that I think murder is wrong, but I really don’t, I’m a hypocrite. But if I believe murder is wrong, and then break one of their necks over there at red state, it’s alright? OK, got it, thanx, bye.

widget09 August 24, 2009 at 7:14 pm

The lustful sex demons are winning. Not to worry, when one falls off the monomagy wagon, Jesus will be there to forgive.

user-of-owls August 24, 2009 at 7:30 pm

[re=393954]Serolf Divad[/re]: [re=393956]Min[/re]: Hence, logically speaking, an outspoken Christian who commits abortion is not a hypocrite.

desertwind August 24, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I’ll take the sexy foursome.


UBS? UBS? UBS? Sounds familiar.


desertwind August 24, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Gah! Wah! CEP = CEO

Eric Cheney August 24, 2009 at 7:52 pm

That Gateway Pundit guy needs to be working at DOJ. He’s smart enough to know there’s no difference between the suspects and the convicted in the post 9/11 world of right wing lunatics.

deecaffeinated August 24, 2009 at 7:53 pm

lol RedState theology! Someone never read the book of Romans.

Zadig August 24, 2009 at 7:54 pm

Not only is the Redstate view of hypocrisy pretty damn nebulous, their argument about Android is ridiculous. The only way to get applications on the iPhone is the App store. Android lets you install stuff that’s not in the store. So they don’t come right out in their storefront and advertise a competing service? Boo fucking hoo, learn to sudo apt get. The whole point of the apple/at&t debacle is that alternatives should be available, not that they should be handed to you on a silver fucking platter.

There, nerd rage all done.

Jim89048 August 24, 2009 at 7:56 pm

[re=393935]Joshua Norton[/re]: Brought to us by the same pricks that wanted to see Bill Clinton’s prick. They never forgave him for keeping it in his pants that time.

x111e7thst August 24, 2009 at 7:58 pm

[re=393955]masterdebater[/re]: So if you are a total tard (with no clue beyond Rush Limpy’s latest pronouncement) what you actually believe, then you can never be a hypocrite.

On the other hand if you use a better definition of hypocrisy like ” Hypocrisy is the act of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have.” then being a tard and a hypocrite are not mutually exclusive.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 24, 2009 at 8:12 pm

Poor Riley, his young, still forming mind exposed to RedState, Freeper and other Conservative logic. It is a wonder that his brain does not explode. I assume that he must go home at the end of the day, down a fifth of bourbon, and beat his cat just so he can be somewhat functional.

Katydid August 24, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker, why can’t those redstate people think for themselves?????

One of them actually tried to – very very gently – confront the asinine blogger’s crazyfuck description of hypocrisy, and the blogger comes back at him at all snotty and threatening. The person who confronted him immediately backs down, terrified of the guy’s disapproval. Then he asks to e-mail about it, asks if the blogger can find his e-mail address, and the fucking crazyfuck blogger posts this: “The features that make banning easy also make looking up addresses easy.”

Is that a goddammed threat? Jesus, those redstate people are so afraid of offending the bloggers. And the commenter falls all over himself saying how he’s not really disagreeing, please don’t hate me, oh oh oh….

WTF is so wrong with redstate people that they have this sick subserviance to any kind of authority figure, even if it’s someone with no real authority at all?

Sorry, but this is all your fault, Wonkette. Stop making me click on redstate links. (Or don’t. Whatever you say, Wonkette. Don’t hate me. Don’t ban me. Don’t kill me. Love me, love me, Wonkette.)

Jesus fuck.

SmutBoffin August 24, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=393979]Zadig[/re]: A++++++++ dork rant. Would read again.

Country Club Jihadi August 24, 2009 at 8:41 pm


Robert Zimmerframe August 24, 2009 at 8:43 pm

Surely we are now only one lunar cycle from “well, in this country there’s nothing wrong or illegal about being a hypocrite. Why do you hate America?”.

AKAM80TheWolf August 24, 2009 at 8:49 pm


It’s because if one member of their caucus is ousted, they no longer have access to the communal cock bowl.

Katydid August 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

[re=394001]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: well, why don’t we send a nice bag of lightly salted dicks their way?

At least we know they won’t be hypocrites when they fight each other to get at ‘em.

El Pinche August 24, 2009 at 9:15 pm

[re=393990]Katydid[/re]: Hahaha, well, if you think of Conservatism as a mental disorder , then it’s not so frustrating.

hobospacejunkie August 24, 2009 at 9:30 pm

[re=393990]Katydid[/re]: Excellent rant. They are truly demented and will contort themselves into previously unimaginable positions to defend their indensibles. On the other end of the spectrum, we just say “oh, he got BJ in the Oval Office? Well, OK. That’s probably not a good idea but it doesn’t make him Satan.”

Darkness August 24, 2009 at 9:31 pm

“Hypocrisy is a willful professing of a belief, that one that does not truly believe.

. . . as indicated by their actions?? Such as sleeping around while married may indicate that you don’t truly believe in not sleeping around while married even though you pontificate at length especially regards the president on exactly this topic.

Or perhaps for Redstate, BELIEFS need not lead to matching ACTIONS. Which I would not be at all surprised to hear.

Katydid August 24, 2009 at 9:32 pm

[re=394009]El Pinche[/re]: I think of Christopher Buckley as a conservative. I rarely agree with him, and he can be a dick, but he doesn’t have to be, and at least he thinks for himself.

Those redstate people are just insane cultists.

S.Luggo August 24, 2009 at 9:36 pm

And in the news:
August 24, 2009
— Specter urges hearing on “the [VA’s] death book”. —
Ardent Specter (Republicrat-PA) now trying to beat Chuck Grassley to the sucker punch.
WSJ Article.
“The [VA’s] Death Book for Veterans
Ex-soldiers don’t need to be told they’re a burden”

S.Luggo August 24, 2009 at 9:40 pm

[re=393935]Joshua Norton[/re]: That’s why Lieberperson became an Independent.

hobospacejunkie August 24, 2009 at 9:52 pm

OT: If lusting after the New Yorker‘s Jane Mayer (appearing on Countdown) is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2009 at 9:54 pm

[re=393978]deecaffeinated[/re]: You think they didn’t read the definitive ravings of the circumcision-obsessed, bullying, self-righteous homophobe Saul of Tarsus? Oh, I believe they have.

hobospacejunkie August 24, 2009 at 10:09 pm

[re=394021]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Don’t forget mass murderer.

chascates August 24, 2009 at 10:16 pm

The GOP has dreams about getting rid of Medicare and Social Security.If Grandma can’t realize that she should face a death panel.

facehead August 24, 2009 at 10:48 pm

I’m kinda tired … is the red state thing a typo or did I eat the brown acid?

Bearbloke August 24, 2009 at 10:51 pm

[re=393935]Joshua Norton[/re]: None of the controversy about Obama’s Kenyan Kok-meat can be settled until Oily Titz DDS performs an oral examination…

Katydid August 24, 2009 at 11:18 pm

[re=394029]facehead[/re]: thank you! I laughed so at this that I lost my very foul mood. I’d better stop clicking on redstate links. Bad Wonkette!

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2009 at 11:29 pm

[re=394025]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Oh, I’m not going to hold him accountable for shit his followers did long after he was dead. Don’t want folks to think he missed out on the highlight of his cultural heritage.

Jukesgrrl August 25, 2009 at 12:52 am

[re=393939]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: “Smith & Wesson or Black & Decker?”
Actually they’re Skilsaw electric drills donated by Mrs. Mark Sanford after she was finished using them on her hubby.

imissopus August 25, 2009 at 1:04 am

Did I read that thing on RedState correctly? A conservative is pissed because a business wants a monopoly on an area where it can make money? And bitching because Google is trying to avoid the FCC?

What a world.

Can O Whoopass August 25, 2009 at 1:28 am

No Dem would ever want to see a Congressman Boner’s boner.

norbizness August 25, 2009 at 1:56 am

I am now convinced that you constantly link/siphon traffic to Redstate only to piss me right the fuck off. You don’t want to hear my alternate theories.

gurukalehuru August 25, 2009 at 3:13 am

Oh, that Shimkus video is gold, gold, I tells ya. Never in the history of all public speaking has a speaker been so embarrassingly out of synch with his audience.
Hysterical don’t play in the Midwest. We pride ourselves on being boring.

TGY August 25, 2009 at 8:09 am

[re=394067]norbizness[/re]: Yes. Pissing off people generates comments – now with more spittle.

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