Today marketh the third consecutive Fri-Day in which Peggington Noonington, chief columnateur of the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet, has graced her “Declarations” with commentary on the foremost political debate of our time: Health Care. Your Wonkette hath attempted to compose paeans to Her Majesty’s previous two edicts, but was unable to finisheth on both occasions due to Hyper-Tension. Dissecting Madame’s attitudes toward Reform becometh a terrifying Duty. But it must be completed, now, because of God. If this Weblog editor should pass during the composition of this response, stand righteous before the Death Panels, for he that hath seen the depths and spoken, “Nay.”


Peggy Noonan’s column this week, which is bullshit, sports the bad-faith title, “Pull the Plug on ObamaCare.” That’s right, she cannot be bothered to consider working out issues, hard as it may be, angry as it may get, long as it may take, to finally put in place some structure that won’t fully solve the country’s worst, most lingering and threatening problem, but will help it enormously. Because Peggy Noonan, like so many others, is fine with her health plan. And the popular acceptance of the cynical “What does this do for me, immediately?” method of making up one’s mind on this political issue is going to kill hundreds of thousands of people in the end, if people like Peggy Noonan continue to see this moral issue through the prism of their own selfishness, laziness, and stupidity.

Here’s another thing that didn’t work. (I write as if health-care reform or insurance reform or whatever it’s called this week is already a loss, a historic botch, because it is. Even if the White House wins, they lose, because the cost in terms of public trust and faith was too high.)

Every big idea that works is marked by simplicity, by clarity. You can understand it when you hear it, and you can explain it to people. Social Security: Retired workers receive a public pension to help them through old age. Medicare: People over 65 can receive taxpayer-funded health care. Welfare: If you have no money and cannot support yourself, we will help as you get back on your feet.

These things are clear. I understand them. You understand them. The president’s health-care plan is not clear, and I mean that not only in the sense of “he hasn’t told us his plan.” I mean it in terms of the voodoo phrases, this gobbledygook, this secret language of government that no one understands—”single payer,” “public option,” “insurance marketplace exchange.” No one understands what this stuff means, nobody normal.

How about this: Basic health coverage for all, and protection for the already sick. There is plenty to criticize in Obama’s meandering inability to emphasize these simple goals, but if those two simple objectives mean nothing to you, or bore you — you, the political columnist whose job is to understand these concepts — then you are a sociopath. You are apathetic to the unnecessary and costly deaths of your fellow citizens under the current system, which even the most basic reform plans under consideration would do much to alleviate. If you care about lower- and middle-class people dying under a poorly regulated for-profit health insurance system, you can spend the 15 seconds it takes to learn what “single payer,” “public option,” “insurance marketplace exchange” (doesn’t she just mean “insurance exchange?”) mean. These are important terms, and not difficult at all, but you dismiss them as “gobbledygook” that no one should bother to learn on one’s own, because the president should explain it to everyone personally, with small words, in a children’s book. We know that this is how you and your fellow advisers were forced to explain every policy issue to Ronald Reagan, but he’s dead now, so grow up. And stop writing poison.

Finally, anyone who tries to argue that Obama would find political reward by abandoning health care reform now and “regrouping” for another year or two is either wrong or lying — usually both! — and does not have the country’s best interest at heart.

Pull the Plug on ObamaCare [WSJ]

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  1. Lady Peggington Noonanhamshire has Health Care appropriate to her station in life: a bank of well-fed negresses exists for nothing more than replacement blood, organs, limbs (whitened appropriately, of course) and grafts for her Peggyship.

  2. Every big idea that works is marked by simplicity, by clarity.

    Right, Peggy. That’s what took astronauts to the moon, created the internet, and mapped the genome. Simplicity.

  3. These things are clear. I understand them.

    Uh, yeah. Social Security, Medicare, Welfare: what are three things Peggy Noonan’s various employers repeatedly try to destroy, with Peggy’s help?

  4. Oh, and every one of these selfish pieces of shit who opposes reform, just because everything is fine now so what are these whiners whining about, needs to go without insurance for a year. For a bonus, they could get a serious illness or need to go to the emergency room. And need daily medications. And they need to do this while earning minimum wage. Then, they can test out the Bankruptcy laws that they probably worked so hard to reform, so it is harder to declare. THEN they are allowed to say that Obama is trying to do too much, too fast. Fuckers.

  5. Our fort-nightly death match between Dame Noonington, Queen of the Barbiturates, and Our Mighty Editor Lord Newell, Eater of Worlds and Destroyer of Nations has come again. Huzzah, ye peoples of Wonkette. Make merry and rejoice. Also.

  6. I am always delighted by how right and clear you are, Jim Newell. You are not only funny, but reasonable, rational, and eloquent.


  7. Give her a break. It’s easy for YOU to understand how the whole thing works. But when you’ve just downed three vodka shots, five Martinis, and some Zoloft like she just has, of course it’s hard to understand.

  8. “I mean it in terms of the voodoo phrases, this gobbledygook, this secret language of government that no one understands—’single payer,’ ‘public option,’ ‘insurance marketplace exchange.’ No one understands what this stuff means, nobody normal.”

    Those are really fucking easy phrases to understand, and the only people who don’t understand them by now are the same single celled organisms who yell and scream two and three letter words at town halls to the people who are trying to help them the most.

    NooNannyC is taking politics down yet another notch. Before, we could have deep policy as long as our politicians could describe them in short sound bites. Now, we can’t have any policy changes that won’t ft in a typcl ChkGrssly twt.

  9. If I understand La Peggy correctly, her inability to understand things trumps everybody else’s need to live. This should be in the Urban Dictionary as a definition of narcissism, to class up that site with references to Greek mythology, if nothing else.

  10. [re=392814]Min[/re]: Don’t be a dick. All three of those things are dead simple.

    Apollo: Put people in can, light back end.

    Internet: Plug things in.

    Genome: Some DNA stuff (OK, that one’s fucking hard. (That’s what she said.))

    Simple. Simple simple simple. Vote Rod Farva 2012: because a nation of dumbasses doesn’t deserve somebody smart.

  11. How about this simple phrase for ‘public option’:

    You or your employer can buy cheaper, better health insurance from the government if they want, instead of from those rat-bastard insurance companies who make money denying coverage when you need it most.

    P.S. I happen to like my Blue Cross private plan. They haven’t been rat-bastards to me … yet.

  12. I don’t think Noonan is a sociopath, I think she’s a genuine solipsist. You can really tell this by listening to the way she answers questions on the Sunday shows. Of course she conflates the success health care reform with whether or not she can easily understand it, or whether she is personally unsatisfied with her coverage.

  13. When Peggy starts out by talking about “animal spirits” and ends by talking about a black man’s “gifts,” everything in-between was really about sex, right?

  14. ‘And when normal people don’t know what the words mean, they don’t say to themselves, “I may not understand, but my trusty government surely does, and will treat me and mine with respect.” They think, “I can’t get what these people are talking about. They must be trying to get one past me. So I’ll vote no.”‘

    They think, “Compulsory gay abortions, Viagra for child rapists, VOODOO CHICKEN NEGRO DEATH PANELS!!1!!!, Heil Hitler!, oogeda-boogeda!!! 1!!”

    Fixed it for ya, Pegs.

  15. I especially like her advice to President Obama: say you’re sorry for trying to reform healthcare, and then let the Republicans take over Congress. She waxes nostalgic for the synergy of the Clinton-Gingrich era, when what happened? Oh yeah — a cynical, lying scumbag tried to ram his Scroogean agenda through Congress, then threw a tizzy fit over not getting what he wanted and shut down the government for weeks. You could cut the bipartisanship with a knife.

  16. fucking thugtard. fucking ignorant thugtarded bitch. and she throws in the voodoo word. oh, clever, peggy, really keeping up with the issues.

    loser, pure and simple, when distilled to her essence. oh, let’s just give up, she says. this is too hard for really smart, pampered whining, selfish peggy to understand. millions of people should continue to suffer, thousands of businesses should continue to struggle, because peggy says, why, this is too hard for me to understand, so it can’t possibly make sense to anyone else.

    gag on it, peggy. then get out of the way.

  17. She is full of shit. All those things she termed “simple”….are not simple and a good portion of the population fought against them when they were created. (and, as Dave J. so correctly pointed out, programs that Peggy tried to destroy).

    Now, try to imagine a world without Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Welfare, the VA…the list goes on and on.

    14,000 people A FUCKING DAY lose their health insurance.
    60-percent of all bankruptcies are due to medical-related expense.
    Why in God’s name are people rising up to protect the rights of those who are trying to kill us? Seriously, the screamers at the Town Halls are losing it because they want to protect the insurance companies and HMOs? What the hell is wrong with them?

    I know I’m going to rot in hell for various transgressions. I also know that I will see Peggy Noonan and her ilk alongside of me. And that gives me an immense amount of pleasure.

  18. [re=392843]Car Ramrod[/re]: I heard Farva’s plan for a post racial America is to have everyone over to the White House for a liter of cola. Can you comment on that?

  19. I don’t think Noonan is a sociopath, I think she’s a genuine solipsist. You can really tell this by listening to the way she answers questions on the Sunday shows. Of course she equates the success health care reform with whether or not she can easily understand it, or whether she is personally unsatisfied with her coverage.

  20. [re=392855]jetjaguar[/re]: There are spurious rumors abound she is in fact paid in whiskey— as clearly that is her greatest inspiration.

  21. Peggy–Single payer=medicare for everyone. Now that I’ve made it really simple, will you support it? If not, we can go with the British plan–the government runs the hospitals, hires the doctors, etc. That’s even simpler.

  22. Is Santa Claus simple? Fuck no. Oh sure,to a small child it seems simple. Sit on an old creepy guys lap, get your picture taken, and voila your very own Guitar Hero game that dad and his buddies monopolize, so that he can better “teach” you how to use it.
    But in reality, there is a huge complex process involving unionized elfs, dockworkers in Tai Pei and Long Beach. Massively parrallel computers to track,compile and arrange deliveries. It makes poor old Santa’s head ache when he gets the bill every month from the application as a service vendor.
    So, Peggy, no, most good things are really not simple at all, just your understanding of them is limited by your lack of intellectual curiosity, which also there is one of the requirements to be a conservative.

  23. jeSUS Fucking H. KEEYRIST. Peggy,shit in a bucket and swing it ’round your head while twirling like a Dervish and singing “I feel pretty”.

    Torture, rather not think about it.

    Health care, too haarrrrrd.


    Oh, and about those “thousand points of light” fuck you to infinity.

  24. We’ll all make the trip to pee on your grave, Dear Peggington, when WSJ puts you out to pasture, your carefully planned retirement accounts all get gutted by some Goldmann-Sachs weasel, and you die a sad, quiet death somewhere (a dialysis treatment center at a burnt-out shopping center on the edge of Batavia NY, I’m praying) among the common people whose basic human health and dignity you so disdain.

  25. Goodness, all of this weighs so heavily upon Peggy’s brow! Why do you horrible creatures torment her so? Why burden her with such unpretty thoughts? Don’t you know that the complicated issues press upon her shoulders, upon her very soul? Some things, like how the poor will pay for hospitalization and how our soldiers have tortured muslins around the world, should remain a mystery. Mystery in life is beautiful. Like roses left unexpectedly on a doorstep, and men of vague European descent with lovely apartments in Vienna. Let the beauty of not caring for the wretched, the poor, the unemployed washed over you.

  26. [re=392863]Pithaughn[/re]: That is so true. It is honestly amazing to me how a lack of intellectual curiosity, as you so cleverly put it, is not only required but valued in vast swaths of America, including our government. What ever happened to voting for the best and brightest? I would like to think Obama is a sign of us again valuing actually knowing shit about shit, but I’m not that naive.

  27. Come now. How can we possibly expect lily-white Noony to understand the fresh negroid lingo that’s developed in the two decades since she entered her marble bubble? Don’t tell me you want her to leave the upper east side ON FRAGILE, PRADA-CLAD FOOT!

  28. Peggington Noonington, chief columnateur of the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet….. Uh, shouldn’t that be columnateuse? Or have you no savoir faire?

    Jim, this is the second serious post by you that I have duly noted. I don’t know what’s got into ya, but it looks kinda like outrage. I did not know you were capable of this emotion, which is, as we know, foreign to the genre of snark.

  29. Simple…this is why the Republican Party motto in 2012 has been revised from “fuck you and that other poor jerk” to just “fuck you”… Thx agin, Noonertime…

  30. And Lo, did Peggington Noonington stare deeply into the flickering image on her Talking Radio Machine, at this strange Negroid who spoke so contortedly about issues pertaining to Health and Finance. Sipping slowly on her room temperature single malt in the darkness, she contemplated. After several silent minutes, she took a long, deep drag off of her Virginia Slim, stubbed it out into her overflowing ashtray, and, in a raspy voice that betrays her years, uttered her conclusion:

    “I don’t get it.”

  31. [re=392863]Pithaughn[/re]: To be fair to Peggy, her neo-Edwardian worldview tells her that it’s unhealthful for ladies to overtax their brains with knowledge. That sort of thing leads to insanity and feminine hysteria. This is why she prefers not to lend any credence to the laws of aerodynamics but rather believe that any airplane she flies in is carried through the air by the loving hands of the LORD. The wings, engines, pilot, cabin pressure and navigational systems are all frippery — if the Brothers Montgolfier proved they were unnecessary, then surely our beloved Pan American or Allegheny could as well, had they a smidgen more faith.

  32. Gawd, the disingenuousness of this hag is galling, truly galling. If you think welfare is simple, then government health care shouldn’t trouble your diaphonous little brain much, either. You’ve already dubbed it Obamacare; that’s a nice, single word. Let’s keep it at that and never think on it again, OK? Leave the heavy lifting to the people WHO GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THIS COUNTRY.

  33. Most bizarre for me is the occurrence of “I understand Medicare” and “I don’t understand single-payer” within two consecutive paragraphs.

  34. Maybe if Dame Peggington ventured out of her tower and perchanced up on a Mexican, he could translate what these complexities of the negro president’s plans are.

    Jim, I love your outrage!

    Peggy, pull my finger!

  35. “We know that this is how you and your fellow advisers were forced to explain every policy issue to Ronald Reagan, but he’s dead now, so grow up.”
    Thank you Jim Newell. The vultures are circling & she’s one of them with their inane simpletoness. Because that’s all the dumb as rocks public can handle. Miss Thingington thinks she is all that, but she is no better than the lowbrow drunk hags with teabag signs slurring “hussein” ad nauseum into the you tubes. I bet Lyndon Larouche would do her.

  36. Jim, you fucking rule. Posts like this are why I metaphorically (oh, how I wish it were literally) bitch slap people who talk about Wonkette in sneery, holier-journalist-than-thou tones. Fuck those idiots.

  37. “Social Security: Retired workers receive a public pension to help them through old age. Medicare: People over 65 can receive taxpayer-funded health care…”

    I’m pretty sure she’s being retarded on purpose, in the service of her right-wing masters (the ghost of Ronald Reagan). Because seriously, how can you “understand” Medicare but not the public option? The public option is Medicare for people under 65.

    Here are some other ways I thought of, Peggy, see if you understand these:

    Public Option: Because HMOs ARE death panels.
    Public Option: It’s an OPTION fucktards, you don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.
    Public Option: Health care whose stated goal at least isn’t to get you to die as quickly as possible.


  38. “Social Security: Retired workers receive a public pension to help them through old age. Medicare: People over 65 can receive taxpayer-funded health care…”

    And Peggy would have opposed those when they were first proposed, so she needs to STFU

  39. Mustard plasters are a sovereign nostrum for congestion of the chest. For spondulics and spavins I recommend digestive biscuits and a tot of rum.

  40. Surely, forsooth, those peasants who are afflicted with a plague or pox only have to visit the local wise woman and exchange a brace of conies for a cure? If they’re short of conies, they should be encouraged to emigrate to Florida’s swamps where they will be able to breed their own leeches. That is simplicity – that and Peggy lighting a candle for them. The poor you will always have with you – smelly and spotty, leprous and coughing as the Good Lord intended. No lepers = no miracles.

  41. so tired of the people against the public option and the rest of this reform acting as though everyone thought Medicare was a good idea, always, forever, and it just danced through Congress, unlike this thing, because it was so OBVIOUS.


  42. Deareth Dame DePegeth: Why is it I must have “health” insurance for my car, but I cannot get it for my body? Because my car is more important than me? Ah, such sweet caring sighs from your tidily uncaring thought. Methinks it is time for your next dose of Mommy medicine to keep the thinking from getting too too difficult. Wouldn’t want to care for those poor slobberers now would we? Oh Butler, more cake please!

  43. [re=392918]Numbat Dundee[/re]:
    “The poor you will always have with you – smelly and spotty, leprous and coughing as the Good Lord intended.”

  44. The Peggerator was caught in an office giving Rupert a handy at last year’s Xmas party. You can take that fact and run with it confidently, as I am now declaring myself an official Anonymous Source Close To The Matter.

    Fuck fact checking! This is too good not to be true.

  45. [re=392864]Extemporanus[/re]: That was an interesting experiment in freeform HTML. Can’t say it really paid off, but the artistic aspirations are clear.

    As for Dame Noonington, may she spend her remaining nights on a writhing bed of roaches, with a sack of greasy stiff cocks for a pillow, poking her ever in the ears, while her days are filled with nary a drop of liquor save the oldest, most vinegary of wines.

  46. I didn’t read it because, basically, reading the weblogs of idiots just encourages them to intellectually defecate into our blessed and precious intertubes thingy and I think we can all agree Red Taint does quite enough of that without bolstering Ruperts “unique views” metric.
    The reason I feel a little tempted is I find it hard to believe she actually argues that “I’m too stupid to understand it so it must be bad1!!1!!”. As the western hemisphere is well aware, Peggy is a silly, vapid creature, more an intellectual circus freak at which to gape and giggle than a source of wisdom or direction. How in the world did her alcohol diminished intellect become the standard?
    The corollary night terror to that confusion is, at this moment, roughly 45% of the American population is digging at their rectums through their dockers and fruit-of-the-looms thinking 2 things.
    “Ahhhhhh!!! Now I’ve got to try remember not to pick my nose with this finger…”
    “She’s right!”

  47. Even if the White House wins, they lose, because the cost in terms of public trust and faith was too high.

    Sweetheart, if the White House wins even a marginal bill on this one you can kiss control of Congress for your side goodbye for quite a while, what with losing a 40-year battle against health-care reform and all. You think the Dems won’t ram this “death-panel-socialism-teabag-Obama-as-Hitler” bullshit down your throats next cycle if they win on this one? Think again.

    Nothing succeeds like success, Peggers.

  48. “Single payer” – yes, that is an extremely complicated phrase to understand, it’s high-tech goobly-de-gook! You’d need a physics degree to figure out that it means “payment comes from one source.”

  49. No one understands what this stuff means, nobody normal.

    Ohhhh, Peggylicious, just say it sugah: “My racist uncle in Buttfuck, Mississippi who’s Grand Dragon Emeritus of the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan won’t be able to figure it out because he thinks public education is a communist plot to make us think its OK to cornhole our twin brother.” Then, she wanted to add a part about her uncle promoting a constitutional amendment to make it legal to fuck your sister, but those pesky editors….

    By the way, Peggy Noonian Singh is so old she queefs dust…

  50. [re=392850]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Don’t forget too that the Clinton/Gingrich years also gave us that high-water mark of bipartisanship, the attempted impeachment of Clinton. This country would be so much better if we could have that kind of governmental team spirit again.

  51. “No one understands what this stuff means, nobody normal.”

    Ooooh, yeah, you’re right…of course by “normal” you mean the same folks who can easily comprehend ‘death panels’ ‘govmet takeover’ ‘they’re taking away you’re medicare’ ‘Obama is a Nazi/Socialist’. These are the same people who will loudly proclaim that they’ve read every fucking page of four different bills (all 3000-4000 pages of them).

  52. In Dame Pegotty’s Cotton Mather inspired hellscape of a society those claiming “ill humours” are to be tied up and tossed into a deep and murky pond with large rocks tied to their scabby limbs. Be they to float upon the water they are not ill and thus need not the insurances for the health. Yeh verily should they sink beneath the waves, they indeed must needs be sickly. Alas the dead hath no need for the insurances. So it is written. So it shall be.

  53. [re=392920]Lemming Caution[/re]: Why hell, it only took Medicare 18 freaking years, in large part because Wilbur Mills was catching constituent hell about white doctors being forced to treat old black folks.

    The more things change….

  54. Someone should email Peg her column from about 2005 when she was wringing her hands about Iraq blowing up and fretting that the Endtimes were nigh. She shat upon the powers-that-be in that column and loathed how they “got theirs” as they screwed everyone else. Sound familiar, PEG??!! HUH??!!

  55. Medicare is hard! Good thing it’s not like studying 275 free market plans offered by 75 free market insurance companies to understand which free market detailed provisions are best for your free market family.

  56. [re=392930]Tommmcatt[/re]: I think the unanimous walk away on the stim is where the Repubtards will get it broken off in their wrinkly elephant ass. IF the Market punches through 10K, unemployment is at 7.5-8, GDP growth is projected at 1.5-2%…then, THEN they’re totally screwed.

    Caveat: Unless collective dumb-assitute seizes the Dems and they allow the pimps and grifters to convince the big stupid that the stim actually slowed this process down.

    Either way, that message needs to get set out there now, otherwise next summer will be just as much fun as this one. In that case, I’m throwing the tele out the window and turning off my internets.

  57. [re=392912]assistant/atlas[/re]: What! Only one comment out of 100 or so raises the possibility that perhaps she is being an eensy weensy bit disingenuous when she says she can’t understand ‘public option’, etc. that it is the “secret language of government”. This is not a lack of intellectual curiosity, this is revolting and condescending pandering to the unfortunately genuine lack of curiosity among a large portion of the peasants. “This is not the health care you are looking for, move along, nothing to see here, it’s too hard, don’t worry your pretty little head” bullshit, about as real as W’s “brush clearing”.

    um, buttsecs?

  58. Wow – a sampling of Peggy-No sobers up the wonkopiner to deadly clarity-scarity!

    Looks like you squared that round peg with some sharp coroners.

  59. p.s. Dr Hibbert: Now Homer, we’re going to carry out a heart bypass. We’ll take a piece of vein from your leg and graft it onto the artery in your chest.
    Homer: Can you dumb it down a bit doc?
    Hibbert: It’s basically open heart surgery.
    Homer: Bit more?
    Hibbert: [slowly] I’m going to break open your chest and tinker with your ticker.
    Homer: C’mon doc, can’t you eggheads speak in english!

  60. Single payer plan: all people get Medicare, or VA style health care. Insurance CEOs get to sell apples on the street.

    But people, how do we know what Lady Margaret really believes? She wasn’t miked up.

  61. [re=392964]Norbert[/re]: For disclamation of reprehensible disingenuousness on the part of nauseating columnatrix P. Noonan, see [re=392897]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: , for which I remain eternally grateful. Noonan’s gonna get hers someday. Ugh.

  62. And stop writing poison.

    Yea, verily! For the cry wente unto the Heavens, “Lady Peggingtonne, retire they Quille postehaste or fucke thou Lady-Bits withe a Sceptere. Sidewayes.”

  63. “You are apathetic to the unnecessary and costly deaths of your fellow citizens” That pretty much sums up Reaganism, wouldn’t you say?

  64. [re=392964]Norbert[/re]: I wouldn’t doubt it, those comments she made about Palin when she thought her mike was off show she is a duplicitous, cynical witch. Remember all the groveling she had to do for that?

  65. WORD, Mr. Newell. WORD.

    Fuck you, Peggy Noonan. You shall be sentenced to humbly reaming out the inflamed hemorrhoids of those driven into bankruptcy (by vapid entitled bimbos like you), in a free clinic on the shores of the Anacostia for the rest of your life.

    And seriously, dropping the snark, I second Norbert. What makes Noonan–and the Heritage Foundation types, and all of these other rich fucks trying to torpedo this plan because it conflicts with their worship of the free market– what makes them so purely evil is that they DO understand the consequences of their actions. I don’t think that Peggy Noonan is actually stupid. She just doesn’t care that millions of people, in this rich country, have their lives ruined or ended because they cannot afford medical treatment. None of those commentators care. They have theirs. That’s how they can bleat on about the sacredness of “freedom of choice,” as if that means anything to people without money. It’s like Steve Earle says: “Four score and a hundred and fifty years ago/ our forefathers declared us equal, as long as we can pay.”

    Bring on the motherfucking Revolution, and we shall all feast on Noonan flank steaks. They’ll need a lot of A1 sauce.

  66. Alas Mistress Peggington Noonington thinketh back low those “twenty years ago” she doth counteth upon her slender claws when she was but wee wisp of a child, filled with the girlish pride of mere twoscore years. “We never talked about health care” she crieth out, much bepained by thoughts of the unseemly smeareth of her pappingtons, which arise like mists from her vale of mystery. She is overcome with vapors by the threat of hideous publics discoursing and optioning upon her nether regions which should be best left to the ministrations of the free market. O heavens! Let us never speak of this again!

    [re=392908]Country Club Jihadi[/re]:
    Since then ’tis centuries, and yet each
    Feels shorter than the day
    I first surmised a horses’ ass
    Would tell me what to say.

  67. [re=393027]kdaddy[/re]: I want NoonanCare. Bottles are already on the table when you wake up (is there a night maid?), ice cubes with valium centers in the freezer.

  68. I am thinking of the old Vincent Price / Roger Corman horror film, Poe’s “The Pit and the Pendulum.” [] I am thinking of Mme Noonington chained to the table. I am thinking of the sleek and shiny silvery blade whooshing, whooshing, whooshing over her abdomen, dropping ever so slowly, an inch at a time.

    Pegs: the hand that pulls the shut-off lever — or doesn’t — think of that as ObamaCare.

    Simple enough, you uncaring f***twat?

  69. Health insurance reform is like torture – the peons should not question the status quo and just walk on by…

    Hey Peggington, you know that annoying poem about how first they came for X, but you said nothing? You will be the first X they’ll come for. And there will be much rejoicing.

  70. “Every big idea that works is marked by simplicity, by clarity.”
    How true, my dearest Contessa de Nooningville, how true.

    For example:
    John Boehner: Tanning bed.
    Ronald Reagan: Mommy?
    The antebellum South: Buy more darkies.
    Hitler: Kill all the Jews.
    Pegster: Glug, glug, glug.

  71. Between this and Richard Cohen whining a couple of weeks ago about not winning the Pulitzers and George Will on almost any given day, I’m beginning to wonder if any political columnist anywhere in America has ever done an honest day’s work in their lives.

  72. Man I’d like to cut and paste this entire thread into Peg’s comments section over at the WSJ. The wingnuts’ heads would explode trying to counter the arguments and out-funny you guys. Bravo to you and to Newell for his commentary. I hope Barney Frank reads it at his next town hall.

  73. Ah, props for the Song of J. Alfred Newellfrock for speaking the speech sans snark, but who delivereth the outrage baldly as befits the fiery flame of his pink pate. You hath smote the hag with black, smoke-engraved pixels of internet ash. You createth a juicy gem of flog-worthy bloggery. Huzzah, and verily me sayst again, huzzah!

  74. A fairly recent trend never ceases to amaze me. That stupid people (call them teabaggers, Jay-Walkers, Glenn Beck’s Fan Club, whatever) are SO PROUD of their stupidity. That’s one bandwagon I never expected Dame Noonington to jump on. But, alas, there she goes.

  75. First few paragraphs: Everything is “hot”, “sticky” “messy” “confusing” and then “beautiful”. Then, she mentions Clinton. I’m just sayin’. I’m not convinced that Peggy isn’t a closeted drunken, pill-takin’ nympho…but then again, has she ever produced a denial? Is there a document that firmly and legally states that Peggington isn’t an alcoholic, pill-taking, sexually-addicted nutbag? Why isn’t she producing a legal document?

  76. Is she covered by WSJ? By a journalist union plan? By an individually-purchased self-employed person plan? By magic?

    What percentage of her income does she pay for this coverage?

    Has she ever been sick? Really, really sick? And had to use her plan?

    Stupid bitch.

  77. Peggy is just worried. If the poor get health care, they will want cake. And when they get cake, they’ll ask to be paid more for their jobs. And they will learn to read and realize what a fucking loser Lady Peggington Noonan is.

  78. [re=392869]mynameisdetroit[/re]: “Thank you, Jim. You ranted, so we didn’t have to!”

    You’re right, but the ones who did [re=392820]Doglessliberal[/re]:, [re=392833]dum librul[/re]:, [re=392854]hockeymom[/re]:, [re=392863]Pithaughn[/re]:, [re=393030]the prophet of Deseret[/re]:, among others, deserve a round of applause. [re=393076]imissopus[/re]: was correct to say this entire thread should be cut and pasted below the Noonster’s column over at WSJ.

  79. “They also probably wouldn’t mind seeing a wry, modest, very human and self-critical stance from a new president who doesn’t strut and doesn’t swagger but does have a level of 1950s cool, Old Vegas cool, of supreme and confident smoothness that one wouldn’t mind seeing ruffled a bit by that old ruffler, reality.”

    Appalling/Cool, indeed: she just always wanted a Rat Packer who’d slap her around a little for being too smart for her own good, and many Americans wouldn’t mind seeing that at all.

  80. [re=393109]blargh[/re]: Is Rat Noonan calling Barry Sammy Davis Jr. ? WTF!!?!1

    I saw a comment on a internal forum where i work with an exclamation “!!!1!” I sent this person an email with one word “trucknutz?” and he just replied to me ,”Yes. Also.” I have a Wonktard work buddy!

  81. Jim Newell–you are a god of prose. A hitman with a keyboard. Even though it must be like shooting tuna fish in a barrel after a while, you keep shreding this bitch with creative invective. Don’t know how you do it but I am glad you do. And that I am on your side.

  82. I wish I could be eloquently articulate, icily logical and yet completely enraged, all at the same time. That’s a gift you got there young Newell — apply to the Old Testament Graduate School of Prophecy, is my advice.

  83. I really don’t give a damn about Peggy Noonan, she bores me senseless, and as far as I am concerned it is way too much trouble to make fun of her. But if making fun of her drives Newell to write this sentence:

    …the popular acceptance of the cynical “What does this do for me, immediately?” method of making up one’s mind on this political issue is going to kill hundreds of thousands of people in the end, if people … continue to see this moral issue through the prism of their own selfishness, laziness, and stupidity.

    Then he shouldn’t stop until this country gets the message.

  84. Holy crap, until I read Noonan’s article, I think that I had never, in full sincerity (I’ve joked around before, but I mean it this time) wished intense suffering on another human being. Fuck Peggy Noonan. She deserves the very worst life can give her.

  85. One day Newell will ditch this satire stuff and write something serious, and he’ll be a good writer. I hear he’s just out of gramar school, tho, so he still has time.

  86. THOSE people will just have to WAIT until they can afford that operation, or treatment, or medication. Anything else will lead down the path to socialism, and that is just not what this country is about! Besides, I have enough money and insurance not to have to worry about it, so I don’t see the problem here.

  87. Great post, Mr. Newell.

    Really. I have no follow up snark. I just wish I was reading you in the WSJ, perhaps as a follow up editorial to Ms. Noonington…

  88. [re=393161]vkladchik[/re]: I hear he’s just out of gramar school, tho, so he still has time.

    Evidently, they didn’t teach grammar at your gramar school.

  89. Washington Monthly, in the context of a discussion about the general state of the Republican Party, has a link back to this Noonan piece from July, in which she said the nation needs “conservative leaders who know how to think” and the GOP “should get serious, as serious as the age, because that is what a grown-up, responsible party—a party that deserves to lead—would do.”

    Of course this month Pegs is reminding us that thinking is hard and the rolling up of shirtsleeves to tackle health care reform should be put off for a year or two while things cool down. Way to lead, Noonbeam. Way to lead.

  90. [re=393109]blargh[/re]: “…who doesn’t strut and doesn’t swagger but does have a level of 1950s cool, Old Vegas cool, of supreme and confident smoothness…” Yes, 21st Century U.S. Murricans love that stuff. That’s why you see so much of it on American Idol.

  91. It’s funny how she had no problem with how former president moron and dickhead cheney told us there was “no time to lose!” we had to invade Iraq or they’ll nuke us with their imaginary nuclear weapons! Same thing when dickwad paulson demanded the emptying of the U.S. Treasury to prop his crooked friend fiends on Wall Street.

    But health care reform…oh, don’t rush into it! Take your time! advises the wicked witch of the Wall Street Journal.

  92. [re=392868]engulfedinflames[/re]: Thousand points of light were her 15 minutes of…
    FLAME?! Ha! I kill me.

    In sociology there’s one basic rule for social issues: All problems have solutions, and all solutions have problems.
    Problem: People are getting sick/dying/going bankrupt because they can’t access/afford healthcare.
    Solution 1) Let the government fix the problem = Problem: higher taxes, lower profit margins for health insurance companies.
    Solution 2) Let the insurance companies fix the problem = Problem: they won’t.
    Solution 3) Don’t do anything and let it fix itself = Problem: see Solution 2.
    Problem: There is not enough buttsecks, trucknuttz in this post, also.
    Solution 1) There is now.

  93. After 30 nembutals & a case of chablis Peggy starts thinking about that jar of crushed ambien right next to box of bendy straws in the kitchen, and is all like “well fuck what if I have to switch doctors because of this ‘complicated socialized healthcare thingy’ and the next one doesn’t leave pads of blank scrips all over the place?” Voila, this article.

    “She turns the key to her Dungeon of Medicines, an isolated pod floating atop the highest vistas of Park Avenue.” Haha, I bet at least someone has sent that line her way by now.

  94. At first I thought that Newell had taken just the ripe, snark-worthy quotes from Countess Noonieville’s column to lampoon. With the [non-Medicare Part D covered] medicinal assistance of a few beers, I read the entire column and discovered that Newell had been far too kind.

    From Dame Pegatha of Oxy’s last two paragraphs:
    “While the country worries about the economy and two wars, the Democrats of Congress are preoccupied with the idea that this is their moment, now is their time, health care now …”
    “It’s not especially pleasurable to see history held hostage to ideological vanity …”

    So, universal health coverage is the Dems’ chance to impose their master plan for gay abortion Marxist-Islamo-Leninism.

    Bite me crank, Pegster.\

  95. [re=393104]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I know I’m late to this party but I have to say I couldn’t agree more. My outrage muscle is so sore I have to go lay down & put ice on it…..

  96. [re=393214]S.Luggo[/re]: “It’s not especially pleasurable to see history held hostage to ideological vanity …” But wasn’t this the same Lady Noonan who promoted such during her years whoring for Reagan and Bush? I suppose it was not “idealogical vanity” for President Dunderhead to deck himself out in a flight suit and alight on an aircraft carrier to declare “Mission Accomplished”? Remember that Lady Noonan? That was what…only 213 suicide bombings ago?

  97. I like to imagine that Peggy’s vagina is laden with teeth, thus she never gets laid because he cunt keeps biting people’s dicks off. And metal vibrators are cold and don’t feel good.

    As a result, she’s just a perpetual bitch who wants a good, proper snogging.

  98. [re=392928]dijetlo[/re]: ‘How in the world did her alcohol diminished intellect become the standard?’

    Seriously? I’d say it’s above standard. Horrifying though those implications are. You haven’t mingled much with the general populace lately, have you?

    It’s my own personal tragedy that I have to, every day.

  99. Yay! Peggington’s back!

    I love the idea that ‘single payer’ is a difficult word (or phrase) and must thus be ignored. Bankruptcy is a somewhat simpler word, so the poors can have that instead.

  100. Let us pray to thw patron saint of morons Ronald Reagan. Perhaps in Peggetha’s world there will become two distinct races of people, the Elites & the Morons, over time, the elites dwelled on the surface and the morons dwelleth underground. Being that the creators of this system have all died about 10,000 years ago, evolution decided that the elites were no longer deserving of treir status, and the new race, the morons were. Therefore the sub-human morons became the masters and fed on the elites.

  101. [re=393189]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: When I read that the Democrats are suffering from “ideological vanity,” the first thing I thought was, “What do you call St. Ronnie’s ‘It’s Morning in America’?” of which Dame Noonington was the architect, if I’m not mistaken.

  102. [re=393254]Jukesgrrl[/re]: She also coined “A Kinder, Gentler Nation” for H. Bush. Yes, a kinder gentler nation where middle-class and poor routinely get screwed by health insurance companies.

    BTW, she also said that Dubya looked “dreamy” in his flight suit.

  103. [re=393254]Jukesgrrl[/re]: They’re malarkey was more like ‘Mourning’ in Merica. Supposedly “Merica felt good about itself again” [dry heave]. One part of Merica did, the part that enjoys greed, selfishness, social myopia, corporate irresponsibility, supply-side economics now revealed as mere ‘gaming’ the system, and more homeless in the streets.

    Grand Dame Peggethy and her ilk continue to put a dress on a hyena and call it beautiful. It may be a pretty dress, but it’s still a hyena.

    Of course they set the stage for today’s freepers. Otherwise they’d distance themselves from the whacked crackers.

  104. [re=392854]hockeymom[/re]:

    Where Noonan is going is the bottom of Hell, where she will be buried under the ice, head down in the near orbit of satan’s asshole. Also known as teh Dick Cheney suite.

  105. She doesn’t “get it”? this from a COLUMNIST? I’ll tell you what i “get”. I had my bladder and prostate removed due to cancer in April. I am now “disabled”. When i FINALLY get my SSD payment i will then NOT have insurance. Are you with me Peg?
    HOW am i supposed to get cancer screenings and pay for meds, ostomy supplies, etc. let alone clean my fucking teeth or check my eyes?
    See, Peg, THIS is why healthcare is an “issue”.
    By the way, the SS phone person told me the same thing: your Medicaid (which no one takes btw) will be gone, and then you’ll be “making too much” to keep it, and no private insureer will take you. THIS IS WHAT A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE TOLD ME.
    So, Dame Upper East Side, FUCK YOU. You make me glad i had to leave Manhattan.

  106. [re=393538]tiger[/re]: But Joe Lieberman says you can wait until after the recession is over. What’s the rush?

    This country should be listening to people like you and not to the addle-brained rantings of deathers or the smug inanities of Dame Nooningtonshire. As for Lieberman: I say that he can do without his government health care until after the recession is over.

  107. Canadians are hoping to get their Doctors back from the US when Obamacare is passed – then we won’t have a Doctors shortage country wide anymore.

    it’s your online crystal ball, America! (taken from SDA)

    NPR, August 11th – Obama Says His Health Plan Won’t ‘Pull The Plug On Grandma’

    Vancouver Sun, August 14th – The Fraser Health Authority confirmed Thursday it intends to cut surgeries, seniors’ programs and services for the mentally ill to help deal with a budget shortfall of up to $160 million.

    Flashback! Soylent Green is Grandma…. “The Fraser Health Authority will pay $616,000 in carbon tax this year, rising to $821,000 next year, officials there said.”

  108. The President made a huge error when he assumed that pitching his ideas in terms appropriate for people of good will and reasonable intelligence was the way to go.

    Clearly, he should have done so in terms appropriate for ignorant fuckwits with IQ’s smaller than their glove size, like She Who Shall Remain Nameless…

  109. Simple ideas are the best. Like:

    “Al Qaeda is based somewhere in the Middle East. Saddam Hussein’s regime is located somewhere in the Middle East. They’re CONNECTED!” Simple.

  110. >>>>Captain Swing: The President made a huge error when he assumed that pitching his ideas in >>>>terms appropriate for people of good will and reasonable intelligence was the way to go.

    There is a quote from Adlai Stevenson’s second presidential campaign. A friendly reporter was trying to console Stevenson, who was obviously headed for his second defeat at the hands of Eisenhower. The reporter said that Stevenson was generally acknowledged as “the Thinking Man’s candidate.”

    “That’s not enough,” replied Stevenson, “I have to have a majority.”

  111. The President was arrogant enough to assume the American people would swallow the grandest scheme for healing the sick since the Baby Jesus walked the earth.

    I ain’t swallowin’ nuthin’ Obama gives me unless he adds a big swig of Laudanum and, sadly, they don’t make that any more. If they did, we’d all be less fussy.

    I pay for my own health care. I chose it, and I like it. I don’t want it messed with. By the time THE GREAT BARACK and his evil czars are finished with our health care system, we’ll all be looking to Bosnia or some awful African country for medical care.

    Don’t hate on my girl Peggy Noonan, Wonkette. She is a tremendous human being.

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