or you could eat that

KFC Covertly Jacking Up National Health Care Costs With Terrifying New Monstrosity

You won’t find a word about it on the KFC website, or in most regional advertisements, but out in the mysterious moon colony of Omaha, the televisions are advertising a new sandwich. This is the only footage known to man. Believe it: KFC is selling a sandwich in Omaha, and god knows where else, that serves as a bellwether for the current state and future hopes of America: Two patties of fried chicken as the “bread,” between which are various forms of cheese, two strips of bacon, and “Colonel’s Sauce” — likely a combination of butter, salt, and cum.

This is utterly transfixing, especially with the corporate secrecy. Fast-food companies are apparently selling INSANE specialties, under-the-counter, in specific “fat” regions of the country! Anyone from Alabama or Mississippi or wherever? Does your McDonald’s sell you like a NINE-patty deep-fried cheeseburger?

[Foodgeekery via Consumerist]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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118 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    If it isn’t dipped in pig-fat and crusted in the cells of recent liposuction patients it isn’t American. Therefore— fake.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    [re=392640]TJBeck[/re]: And then stuffed inside a flank steak. That was also battered and fried.

    At one of my favorite brunch places (where they serve pint mimosas), there’s a burger on the menu that consists of a 1 pound beef patty between two grilled cheese sandwiches. I have never seen this monster, but am kinda hoping someone orders one while I’m there.

  3. ForTheTurnstiles

    Omaha, if you please, pass me the pork roll egg and cheese, if you please, on a kaiser bun…

  4. NotAnEvilLobbyist

    Well, California isn’t exactly one of those fat middle portions of the country, but In N Out, the insanely popular, and quite delicious, hamburger place in the Southwest, has their whole “secret menu.” It is pure artery clogging goodness: http://www.in-n-out.com/secretmenu.asp

  5. slowuncle

    Did anyone notice that 5 of the last 7 US presidents come from Arkansas?
    That’s where all the chicken farms are.
    Now this new sandwich?
    Connect the dots.
    Follow the money.
    WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. msmoneypenny

    To paraphrase someone dear to us, is this what it all comes down to? A fried chicken cheese bacon sammich?

    Nobama is hording all the vegetables from his GARDEN OF YOUTH and making the rest of us eat this insidious heart attack sammich. He’s trying to kill us all! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU PRACTICE VOODOO IN THE WHITE HOUSE, obv. How many pagan chickens did the Muslin sacrifice to make it?

  7. Monsieur Grumpe

    And don’t forget to wash this gastronomic horror down with a tongue milkshake. Tongue, the shake that tastes you back.

  8. Yes You Can Own A Piece of History

    It’s healthy because it doesn’t have bread. Low carb all the way!

  9. McDuff

    Can someone check and see how many people on the KFC Board of Directors are also on the Pfizer Board?

  10. Prommie

    Is it really worse than that McDonalds breakfast sandwhich/artery-clogger, the eggs and bacon between two pancakes that have syrup in them, whats that called?

  11. finallyhappy

    I am going to get this into the franchises along Route 40 in MD and Delaware-I’ll put the animal-human hybridz in that area up against anything the midwest has. ROUTE 40 FAT PRIDE!

  12. New Wave Phlebotomist

    I interrupted “Wilco (the Album)” FOR THIS? I coulda just looked at the still (or read the Gentle Editor’s summary).

    But seriously: Mitchell’s Family Restaurant in Shamrock, TX serves a Chicken Fried Bacon dish. Not nearly as extravagant as the KFC offering, but delightful in its simplicity.

  13. Prommie

    [re=392684]prizepig[/re]: Traditionally, you stuff your second finest food with your finest food, actually. Flounder stuffed with crabmeat, for example.

    I have taken a soft shell crab, ripped open the body, and stuffed a jumbo lump crabcake inside, then sauteed the crab-stuffed softshell crab. I suppose it would be possible to do this, and then take the cooked jumbo-lump-stuffed softshell, and truss it between two thick boneless veal loin chops that have been lightly pounded, then dredge in flour, eggwash, and breadcrumbs, and then saute this, for a veal and crab stuffed stuffed stuffed surf and turf. I am thinking a dijon mustard-cream sauce, and sprinkle it all with sevruga caviar for the final garnish (I am frugal, and often choose the sevruga instead of the more flashy beluga).

  14. give us a bob

    All that sandwich lacks is a quick dip in the baconnaise vat, at which point it would achieve some sort of physiological critical mass, grow itself a circulatory system, then promptly clog that system and die (again).

    Then, you would grind whatever remains into pulp and feed it to the cows, chickens, and pigs responsible for the original ingredients, and voila, closed loop. No more humans needed for this amazingly grotesque foodstuff to perpetuate itself forever.

    It would be like plastic, except made of meat.

  15. edgydrifter

    This, from the same company that brought us the KFC “Famous Bowel.” Famous, I guess, because everyone has heard about it and can’t believe anyone would pay $2.99 for a bucket of fud that may or may not be partially pre-digested for your enjoyment. Way to raise the bar of horror, Colonel.

  16. LittlePig

    [re=392697]Prommie[/re]: McGriddles.

    For many years a joint here in Little Rock served two-pound Hamburgers (8 quarter-pound patties, a head of lettuce, several sliced tomatoes and mustard on a hubcab sized loaf). If you ate the whole thing + fries + Coke in a hour, you got your name on the wall.

    Place is out of business now. Too bad, I’d like to have a picture of my name up there (yes, really).

  17. sezme

    In Kentucky, they have the same sandwich, but instead of chicken, they use ivory-billed woodpecker. Or at least they used to.

  18. ManchuCandidate

    [re=392716]edgydrifter[/re]:
    You mean the “Diabeetus Bowl?”

    I don’t know what most US America would eat if “god” took their deep fryers and cheez.

  19. Katydid

    There’s a great restaurant in New Haven that serves fried cheesecake for dessert. They coat the cheesecake with batter and then deep-fry it.

    I wouldn’t eat it, but co-workers say it’s delicious.

  20. Atheist Nun

    [re=392701]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: Two pieces of bacon and two slices of cheese smothered with the Colonel’s Sauce with two fried chicken patties as buns.

    “…smothered with the Colonel’s Sauce…”
    Isn’t that one of the last scenes in “Boogie Nights”?

    Anyway, this reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a relative:

    “I’m going to try that new KFC grilled chick…”

    “They don’t have grills.”

    “What?”

    “KFC. They don’t have grills, so the chicken isn’t “grilled,” it’s just cooked chicken with grill marks painted-on with liquid smoke or something.”

    “Who cares, it’s still healthier!”

    me —> º_º

  21. slowuncle

    [re=392711]New Wave Phlebotomist[/re]: I’d be careful about casually mentioning that you were listening to Wilco—I’ve been informed by hip co-workers that Wilco is “dad-rock”
    That’s bad isn’t it?

  22. Chumley

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  23. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=392747]Humpback[/re]: You need something to hold onto. And those of us who are married to Scandinavian women might appreciate the flour-white buns from time to time…

  24. PrairiePossum

    I tried to calculate the weight watcher points using one of their fancy calculators. The machine simply replied “Don’t even think about it fat ass.”

  25. Nerdalicious

    Otherwise known as the voodoo hex on your heart samich. A “special” sandwich at those late night midnight with a full moon, death reform meetings for all those “cooperative” thugs: Chuck Assley, Mount Olympia Snowe & Pagan God Max Bacchus(God of wine, song, corruption & backstabbing). Drunk with extreme Red Bull = Heart Failure. (only 99 cents if you add extreme Red Bull (what a deal!)
    http://www.crystalinks.com/bacchus.html

  26. prizepig

    One quibble. Use back-fin crab meat in the crab cakes, not jumbo lump. Take the money you save and upgrade to Beluga. Sevruga is fine as an everyday caviar, but a dish this special calls for the larger, firmer Beluga.

    Besides, no one will notice the jumbo lump after it’s been cooked 3 times and doused in veal jus and cream sauce.

    Lobster stuffed with tacos would also be acceptable.

  27. Native of SL UT

    I attribute the KFC 4 piece chicken dinner to the widowmaker heart attack I had when I was 47. Camels also.

  28. Bebe Loves You

    Perhaps this is a form of medical experiment? If a bunch of subjects die in Omaha, they can change the formula before anyone notices.

  29. Crank Tango

    [re=392736]bored with gravity[/re]: “the powerful bread lobby keeps blocking my research” –Dr. Leo Spaceman

  30. McDuff

    [re=392740]Bearbloke[/re]: OMG! Frank Raines of housing crisis fame was, as of 2004, on both the Pfizer Board and the Pepisco Board (former owner of KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell)! That bastard made me both broke and fat!!!

  31. Prommie

    [re=392762]prizepig[/re]: Point well taken. From perusing the wonderful “thisiswhyyou’refat” blog, I now see that ideally, I would serve my veal and crab as a sandwhich, between two whole grilled cheese sandwhiches, but only after battering and deep-frying the sandwich. Then its good to go.

  32. El Pinche

    [re=392746]slowuncle[/re]: Tell those hipsters they can keep Katy Perry and Jonas Brothers….yeah, I’m a bitter old Gen X’er.

    But, that new Wilco album rocks. … same goes for the new Radiohead song “These Are My Twisted Words”.

  33. gurukalehuru

    Omaha could become the coolest place in the world (as opposed to approximately 864th)if they’d just change their name to “Obama.” Really, it wouldn’t cost them that much, either.

  34. Redpony

    um, this is the solution to both our health care cost crisis and the problem of having more republicans elected. eat this, and you die young (saving money). and obviously, only a republican voter would eat that.

    i am totally drooling for that thing though.

  35. stanpan

    I was peacefully sipping a sodey pop till I got to Newell’s description of “Colonel’s Sauce”. Not fun going through yer nose (the drink, that is).

  36. Roll Fish

    Weird! I just heard this talked about on The Best Show on WFMU, with Tom Scharpling. Patton Oswalt was in studio.

    It sounded horrendous and awful.

  37. DustBowlBlues

    [re=392657]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The exact opposite was a choice on the dessert menu in a very, very earnest Seattle restaurant in the late 70s (it was just off University Ave, near the 50th intersection) that offered this deelishus dish: Two scoops of Cassis Sorbet in a parfait glass filled with club soda.

    That’s not dessert. That’s for when you have the flu and can’t hold anything on your stomach.

    Having read the description the disgusting KFC quadruple bypass sandwich, I will now go put my fist in my mouth then clear my palette with above dessert.

    One of the rodeo concessions this year (my husband always thanks me for not picketing the rodeo since I consider it inhumane) was a “rocket”, or something. A plain hot dog, in a plain white bun, battered and deep fried. It’s going to be the new sensation at state fairs this year–you heard it here first. I assume it’s included with a side of ranch dressing for dipping sauce, since every goddam thing in the Heartland is served with ranch dressing.

  38. Mojopo

    I laughed so hard over this, and it has been an awful day. Thank you for the cum sauce, Wonkette. More than you can imagine…

  39. Bearbloke

    [re=392789]Redpony[/re]: I’ve just had a leftover battered sav as my early a.m. post-pub nosh, and I must say that I’d lurve one of these KFC McFupa-beasts right now, even ‘tho I might toss it back when my body sobers up and realises the crime I’ve committed against it…

  40. HomoSuperior

    THIS IS A NOOOOOBAMA MUSLIN NAZI PLOT TO KILL REEL ‘MURIKINS WHO EAT REEL ‘MURIKAN FOODZ AND CONSUME A REEL ‘MURIKAN HEALTHY 73,000 CALORIES A DAY! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

  41. wildturtlelove

    Omaha, home of CON-agra, catering by Death Panel. It might not be, er, “chicken”, kinda looks like mallet-pounded and batter-fried “Rocky Mountain Oysters” (FYI, not a seafood choice like surimi).

    Also, though, too, there was a commercial on here in Portland. The larger, higher, huge back-to-back double patty Burger King burger is next to a shorter McDonald’s double cheeseburger. The McDonald’s sez: “I was born with three buns”. The burger King sandwich sez: “Too Much Information”.

    Took me a few, but the double spit-take was worth it.

  42. DustBowlBlues

    HAVEN’T YOU LIBRULS READ THE NEWS? I MEAN, HEARD THE NEWZ! (Because our people don’t read) Nobama’s death panel health care is at 40% disapproval and the Repubtards are going to totally take the House in 2010 and the Senate and WH in 2012. Not only will there be no health reform or public option, but the Republithugs will rub it in by allowing all the Insurance companies to double premiums and copays and deductibles and drug companies will be given twice as long before their patents expire.

    In celebration, all the fast food places will deep fat fry patties of ranch dressing mixed with pork rinds to serve with one half pound of bacon and four slices of Velveeta between two deep fat fried pieces of Wonder Bread and the whole thing will be battered and deep fat fried and served with Miracle Whip and more ranch dressing on the side.

    For dessert, deep fat fried pies (a tasty treat, homeade) will be blended with extra fat soft ice cream covered in hot fudge sauce with twice the high fructose corn syrup and animal fat.

    Then only rich people will be healthy while fat tards writhe in agony, clutching their hearts, rolling around on the ground like cripples at a Tom Delay town hall, piled up outside emergency rooms that won’t take them unless they show an insurance card and make a down payment of 1k minimum.

    And that, my friends, is what happens when the Repubtards have spent 60 years getting elected in places like Oklahoma by promising to cut taxes and improve services and intentionally letting public education go down the shitter so twatards can’t read and fall prey to any bullshit they hear on their radios.

    Armageddon, battered, fried and served with ranch dressing.

    I have to go now, so I can rummage through the utility drawer and find the straight razor.

  43. zhubajie

    Me, I’m waiting for White Castle to offer sliders cooked on piles of garlic, unlike the classic piles of onions.

    Anyone tried the Scottish speciality, the deep fried Mars bar?

  44. liquiddaddy

    Hey, get me! I’m doing it home made, fap, fap, fap.

    This the best thing since chocolate covered bacon on a stick – the most popular fud item at this year’s Nebraska State Fair! Seriously.

  45. HomoSuperior

    [re=392870]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Win. You can never be too fat, poor, or dumb to be a Republican voter. But those deep fat fried pies do sound delicious.

  46. ivenson

    [re=392716]edgydrifter[/re]: Or, with apologies to Patton Oswalt, the sadness pile in a failure bowl.

  47. Fly Over Girl

    Oh, crap! I had no clue that was regional to Nebraska. Yes, they’ve been advertising that on the tee-vee for weeks. Quite disturbing.

    Fun Food Fact: UNL did invent the processed meat product known as the McRib for McDonald’s.

  48. Aurelio

    [re=392907]Fly Over Girl[/re]: They are test-marketing it on red-blooded fly-over Americans, whose sole function in life is to serve as marketing guinea pigs.

  49. user-of-owls

    [re=392697]Prommie[/re]: Is it really worse than that McDonalds breakfast sandwhich/artery-clogger, the eggs and bacon between two pancakes that have syrup in them, whats that called?

    The Death Panini

  50. Dontread

    Do they even have Kentucky Fried in my elite neighborhood? No! Oh well, foie gras again for me tonight. . . . .

  51. Bebe Loves You

    I don’t know. Two breasts pressed together and smothered on the inside with generous squirts of the colonel’s special sauce. It just sound yummy to me.

  52. Zorg

    And follow that up with a battered and deep-fried Twinky? Man, you’re talkin’ about some eatin,’ Boy Howdy!

  53. doxastic

    The tag line “unthink” is one of the most glorious moments of unintentional advertising honesty I’ve ever seen. And it’s definitely a thought that can never be unthought.

  54. Zorg

    [re=392712]Prommie[/re]: Girlfriend, you put a plate of that on top of your head and your tongue’s gonna slap your brains out tryin’ to git at it!

  55. Neoyorquino

    That’s why they don’t want us to “cram health care reform down their throats.” If we did, there would be no room to cram the Double Down Sandwich (even if it is generously lubricated with a hot, thick coating of the Colonel’s Sauce).

  56. DustBowlBlues

    [re=392738]Katydid[/re]: “They coat the cheesecake with batter and then deep-fry it.”

    In the olden days, we would have called that gilded the lily.

  57. Smoke Filled Roommate

    Obviously, it’s the KFC FatFucks® marketing division’s fat and fucked up version of protein style.

  58. finallyhappy

    [re=392907]Fly Over Girl[/re]: That’s it- no more grants from NIH to UNL for health food substitutes

  59. Way Cool Larry

    “KFC Covertly Jacking”

    Guess that’s how they made the Colonel’s special sauce…

  60. Fly Over Girl

    [re=392913]Aurelio[/re]: Thank god! Now I know how to increase Ds voter registration in this hideously red state. Pull Rs from voter file and send them a coupon for a free breaded double chicken sammich at KFC. And …….. just wait!

    [re=393145]finallyhappy[/re]: Does it make things better or worse to learn that Kool-Aid was invented in Nebraska? Although the original name of “Fruit Smack” has much better marketing possibilities.

  61. GreatOldOnesParty

    What a wonderful free-market solution to healtcare!
    Everyone kills themselves = no more sick people.

Comments are closed.