By the Comics Curmudgeon
It has come to our attention here at Cartoon Violence that many of you do not understand the difficult-to-understand details of the multiple mutually contradictory Obamacare plans currently weaving their way through the opaque, byzantine legislative process! This makes it more likely that you’ll fall for one of the terrible lies about health care reform that your aunt is sending you from her AOL address. In response, we have presented the only thing more convincing than an email that has been forwarded multiple times, with all the header information retained, and that’s a series of goofy cartoons! Once you read these and understand the truth, you are to call the CIA and have your aunt shipped to Bagram, at once.

Myth: Barack Obama will bring your beloved friends and family members back from the dead.

Truth: While no one can revive the truly deceased, the proposed health care reforms will contain provisions guarding against the tragedy of accidentally burying the extremely ill and slow-moving alive. All coroners will be required by law to loudly and clearly ask the suspected deceased, in both English and Spanish, whether or not they’re dead; additional benefits include cell phones installed in coffins so that those prematurely interred can call for help if needed, and repeated corpse defibrillations “just in case.”

Myth: Under Obamacare, seniors will be brought into secret underground chambers, where Death Panels will assess their fitness to survive as well as their potential social contributions, with those found wanting immediately being taken to an even more carefully hidden facility where they will be quietly euthanized.

Truth: The scenario outlined above is a ludicrous one because it offers very little return for the American taxpayer’s money. Instead, seniors will be dropped down steep mountainsides to their death at random, and their terrible agonies will be broadcast on television for our amusement.

Myth: Just as honest, God-fearing Americans are being denied their Constitutional rights to scream deranged obscenities at elected officials at town hall meetings, so too will future patients of socialized American medicine be forbidden to subject their doctors to rambling diatribes about their misguided political opinions while receiving health care services.

Truth: There is no cure for people’s tendency to take whatever they see or hear in their current environment and shoehorn it into some kind lunatic blather about whatever their latest wrong-headed political obsessions are. This is because human beings are essentially awful and irredeemable.

Myth: Young, hearty Americans will be forced to bring their elderly relatives to government-run liquidation centers, and will receive payment in return, under the new “Cash for Geezers” program.

Truth: There’s no way to make such a system work financially, as no method has been found to extract economic benefit of any kind from the withered, husk-like bodies of old people. But do not worry, faithful readers! Your government scientists are working hard on the case to surmount this difficulty!

Myth: In order to make medical records portable without unduly compromising patient privacy, all Americans will have the most important points of their medical histories tattooed directly onto their buttocks.

Truth: As Revelation 13:17-18 so succinctly puts it, “And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.” I don’t see any reference to ass cheeks there, blasphemer.

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  1. I was about to be amazed at the amount of bribe money that Big Pharma has dispensed to editorial cartoonists to spread these infamous pocket-lining falsehoods… but then I remembered how the newspaper industry is doing, and wasn’t amazeded anymore.

    BTW, is anyone tallying the count on anti-Obamacare vs. pro-Obamacare editorial cartoons? Any bets on the percentage? I’m guessing 80-anti:20-pro.

  2. I wonder if Chuck Assey gets all his gags from reading wingnut comments on Red State, or from Wonketeers’ sarcastic snarking on comments at Red State.

    Either way, by the time they see print they just seem dumb, trite and ridiculously outdated. I guess this is what you get when you try to make funnies for olds who get their news in dead-trees editions only.

  3. Ya know, I think ‘ol Glennster was on to something with the whole eugenics diatribe. Though he picked the wrong angle. You see this isn’t eugenics ala 1930-40’s Germany, this is eugenics ala Sparta. We’re just sending off the enfeebled and addled old ones, mentally deficient, and grossly disfigured to be dropped into the Apothetae.

    God, what I wouldn’t give to see Obama plant a kick into Mooselini’s breastplate, dumping her into the abyss. That would indeed be Sparta.

  4. [re=392423]memzilla[/re]: Don’t know if PHRMA would do that, but definitely the insurance industry. Big Pharma actually has made a deal with the administration that guarantees the government would have negotiating authority when buying medicine. Combine that with a mandate for universal insurance and they get 50 million new customers at existing insane prices.

    They are Obama’s biggest cheerleaders at this point.

    That last comic from Singapore actually made me lul a little.

  5. We could drop our seniors off a mountain…or…we could force them to compete on WipeOut! Obviously you’d probably need to have trained dogs chase them to keep them moving but just imagine the first time “the motivator” smacks some shriveled old dude like Tiger smackin’ a golf ball and the guy completely flies over the “big balls”. That’s not socialism, that’s good TV.

  6. The fact that we are even discussing “Death Panels” in any fucking format, just highlights how far down the rabbit hole we’ve gone. It insults our intelligence. By “our” I mean il Wonkeratti.

  7. The only reason Chuck Asay thinks there’s really a Cash for Geezers program is because his friends and relatives routinely try to sell him to strangers.

  8. Does that dirty jap Lianhe Zaobao think our prezit likes to buttsecks fat white men?? WTF?? Eat shit and die, Charlie!

    Lissen, I didn’t vote for the niggra, and I don’ think he’s even a ‘Merican, but I, uh…

    Sorry, lost where I was going with that.

  9. Asay is off of his last paper and retired (whew!), but syndicated; he has been a fascist bootlicker and not funny for three decades. He was just a small town Western crackpot, then the world moved West, the Reagan Indigestion occurred and he got cachet — plus newsrooms were taken over by the lowest pond scum forms of skinhead yuppies, who made Boomers look like Buddhas.

    This weekly feature is an ongoing tribute to the total decline of the political cartoon, and our snarky blog comments have tried to make up for a similar lack of good satirical newspaper columns. The yuppie editors decided that they couldn’t allow anyone to attract the “following” (read “salary”) of a Royko or Breslin, so they made half the staff columnists (I think the Chicago Sun-Times must have 80 columns) so that people would tire of columns. This kind of editorial lack of thinking spelled the death knell of papers as much as the technological revolution, which should be an advertising bonanza for papers (unlimited virtual space in which to sell ads) rather than an obstacle. The real obstacle in newspaper journalism is between editors’ and publishers’ ears.

  10. The problem with tattooing health records, in bar codes, on people’s butts is that as they age it will become a bunch of meaningless parenthesis.

  11. “There’s no way to make such a system work financially, as no method has been found to extract economic benefit of any kind from the withered, husk-like bodies of old people.”

    What about Soylent Green?

  12. I seriously have no idea what the second one is trying to say.

    Also, why the hell are conservatives so fucking fixated on assfucking? –I mean, I know why, but why are they so “out and proud” about it?

  13. “Once you read these and understand the truth, you are to call the CIA and have your aunt shipped to Bagram, at once.”

    okay, done, she’s on her way. the truth shall set her free,

  14. Chuck Ass, eh.

    Also, apparently, the Singaporeans think Americans are a bunch of lard-asses. It’s nice to know somebody truly understands us.

  15. Why is Obama trying to save the body in the casket? I thought he trying to put them in, not get them out. Obama just needs to abide to the decisions made by his death panels.

  16. [re=392460]Maxine of Arc[/re]: The second one is clear to me. Fat fucks who rely on their old mothers for support deserve to die at her hand.

  17. Singapore Obama has some serious pucker-up lips. Can’t blame him for wanting to protect such a large investment in botox from flabby honkey ass.

  18. [re=392447]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Wow, from a cogent indictment of conservative asshat cartoonist Asay, to a general condemnation of the newpaper industry as a whole. Nicely done, my hat is off to you, sir.

  19. [re=392415]bumfug[/re]: Based on the moronic criticisms of the health care proposals, it is clear that eugenics has [i]not [/i] been practiced in the Heartland. However, maybe euthanasia is in order.

  20. For the past 3 weeks Obama’s health care plan has dominated the media and I am sick of it. Can we please go back to 24 hour coverage of Michael Jackson. Or, maybe Sarah Palin will say something stupid and we can hear about that. Also.

  21. I am bitterly disappointed that the Cash for Geezers program is not coming together. Evidently we will have to turn to the private sector for a truly efficient way to extract cash from our nation’s vast geriatric resource–
    We have something the elderly want: replacement parts! It should be a rather straight forward matter to auction off these redundant kidneys, corneas and lungs online, but for the REAL high-ticket items (hearts,livers,pancreas etc) we’ll have to set up a legal/technical mechanism (death panels?) which will kick-off the online auction when we are unable to give consent. It is disheartening (oops unintended pun sweartogod) to think that we will not be able to enjoy the financial profits of all of these commodities- some transactions will see our loved ones cashing the check–but the important thing, now that we’ve seen (at the townhalls) just how selfish these old fucks are, is that we will be extracting top dollar from them for the goodies. I’m not DONATING squat.

  22. “Myth: Under Obamacare, seniors will be brought into secret underground chambers, where Death Panels will assess their fitness to survive…”

    I thought elections had consequences. Damn it! I’m never voting for another communist, unless old folks start getting the axe!

  23. The Singapore cartoon is actually both creative and effective as a political cartoon!

    But… Singapore?

    Is the populace and political media of Singapore just kinda like sitting around discussing the internals of the U.S. health care debate? I mean I could totally get them doing a “hey, America’s doing a health care bill!” comic but this is a fairly specific and wonky criticism of the democratic plan which seems to assume a relatively close familiarity with american health care on the part of the reader.

    The citizens of Singapore are doing a better job of educating themselves about the American health care debate than we are! :(

  24. [re=392611]mcc[/re]: Seeings how rising health care costs have jack-shit to do with being a result of Obama’s health care plan…not so much.

  25. There’s no way to make such a system work financially, as no method has been found to extract economic benefit of any kind from the withered, husk-like bodies of old people. But do not worry, faithful readers! Your government scientists are working hard on the case to surmount this difficulty!

    So that’s what Project Soylent Green is all about!

  26. Under ObamaCare, we will be allowed to send our aged relatives to Bagram Prison. (Pack your bags, gramps and granny.) According to the RNC, this is called ‘health care rationing’, unless they are Muslim. Then it’s ‘deserved punishment’.
    I say, bullshit to that, RNC. Under our new Socialist government, all oldsters will be treated the same. Particularly the Southern Baptists. It’s in the 14th Amendment.

    A bit arcane.

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