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Here is what we know about John Ensign: he was schtupping his buddy’s wife for six months or so until they got caught, at which point Ensign begged his old parents to give his buddy $96,000 in hush money (that worked out in the end!), which they did, spread across eight $12,000 checks to various family members so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. He shouldn’t be forced to resign. It’s better this way, to see him roaming around the desert, giving interviews, meekly trying to hedge his failures, shaming himself, and coming across like a dingbat fraud, which he is: “Ensign told The Associated Press that he didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and that he hasn’t ‘done anything legally wrong.'” Indeed, this would make a fine re-election campaign slogan. [AP, Las Vegas Gleaner]

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66 COMMENTS

  1. No, Jim, not so it would not have to be declared as taxable income, gifts are never taxable income, its so the gifts would not be subject to the gift tax, a very different tax.

  2. By Las Vegas standards, Ensign is a pretty upright citizen. I mean, he did come up with the money to compensate the cuckold. Would Jim Gibbons do that?

  3. Read the Gleaner’s link to an infinitely better slogan minted by Mssr. Gov. Gibbons:

    I’m not going to fuck you, I’m going to rape you.

    A more succinct description of the GOP agenda will ne’er be had.

  4. I think the whole running screaming to mommy and daddy to bail his sorry peen out of trouble kinda negates most of Slick Willie’s issues.

  5. I would rather be known as someone who lied under oath about a personal affair irrelevent to the proceedings than as someone whose olds had to pony up hush money, after election to the U.S. Senate.

    In sum, in terms of manhood, Bill >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> John Ensign.

  6. It’s not the sex that’s so appalling, although the hypocrisy of that, Mr. Promise Keeper, is simply stunning. It’s the running to Mommy and Daddy, expecting them to fix everything for you, that really galls.

    Just how small is your penis, sir?

  7. Those Xians sure have some complicated rules on who is OK fucking whom. Clearly, I need to get an annotated copy of their commandments to understand the box scores.

  8. “I’m Jim Ensign and I don’t resign for shit.”

    This message was paid for by the ‘People of God Who Seriously Doubt That Jim Ensign Could Even Fit That Ball Gag In His Mouth So What Is With All These Rumors Foundation’.

  9. [re=391614]user-of-owls[/re]: I agree that Gov. Gibbons’ comment is a “succinct description of the GOP agenda.” Very attention-getting and it still doesn’t have any numbers in it.

    Plus, he has his sex in parking garages, saving money on hotel rooms. Double points for fiscal conservatism!

  10. [re=391649]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]:
    Dammit! Use your imagination to place functioning strikethrough tags on either side of “Commit Adultery.”

  11. You certainly are no Bill Clinton. The Big Dog didn’t have to raid his campaign office to get tail. He had it lined up for miles. Plus, he had a quiet dignity and class that you lack. He also had better taste in ties.

  12. [re=391665]Gopherit[/re]: It does hurt, a little, to know that Bill Clinton got that laid. I mean, seriously. Is it a foot long or something? Now after listening to his wife speak, I know why he did it… but really: what was his je ne sais quois?

  13. “I did not commit real adultery, I simply mis-f*cked my friend’s b*tch” (forgive me for re-doing the same comment I used for Sanford)

  14. …he is RIGHT they are totally different! Clinton is the type of guy to go to a strip club pennyless and come out with a hot piece of ass. Ensign is the type to fall in love with a stripper and spend his kids college funds getting her boobs done!

  15. Ensign didn’t lie under oath because there isn’t an independent counsel going through the entirety of his adult life with a pair of tongs and a blacklight, nor a frivolous lawsuit sponsored by Ensign’s political opponents, nor the former colluding with the latter in violation of professional ethics.

    But that’s nothing that Obama can’t fix.

  16. Isn’t it about time that he hold a Town Hall meeting and blame Obama for setting him up and for killing white people while putting a Mexican hoochee-koochee pole dancer on the Supreme Court?

  17. Much like the Salem witch trials, I think we need a verifying test here. We can “throw” Ensign into North Korea. If he makes it out, well, yes, he is in fact Bill Clinton. If not, then he was right.

  18. So, this means he is demanding that Sen. Vitter steps down immediately?

    Ensign: “Ensign in ’12: It was my parents that committed tax-fraud, not me!”

  19. [re=391758]Todd Mecklem[/re]: “Didn’t work out too well for the last guy who said [‘I am not a crook.’]” Yeah, but Tricky Dick got to have all the fun of prolonging an illegal war and causing a Constitutional crisis before he got his comeuppance. What’s Ensign done except cheat on his wife, ruin his best friend, use campaign contributions in a shady manner, jeopardize his parents’ tax status, draw attention to his shy friends at C Street, and ignore his constituents while they go broke? Small potatoes. But I have to admit, like the werewolf, his hair is perfect.

  20. No cancelled checks have been produced to prove his parents paid off the cuckold and family. Plus he claimed extortion yet never notified the police, and then (supposedly) had his parents pay the extortion money. This is one big fucking piece of shit of a man.

  21. How old do you have to be before your parents stop paying for your mistakes?

    This HUGE douche couldn’t begin to carry Bubba’s jockstrap.

  22. Actually I think the son of the mistress should be the new wingnut hero, letting a senator fuck your mom for career advancement, that would make Ayn Rand proud.

  23. Mommy! Daddy! Please come bail me out of trouble again.
    Help MR. Wizzard, Help. I don’t want to be a piece of shit senator anymore.

    Twism, Twasm, Twuzim, Twome, Darlene Ensign, lose his bone.

    It’s tainted. (if you know what we mean.)

  24. To quote the old country song:

    If Jesus came to your house, to spend an hour or two…

    John Ensign would probably offer him and beer and some bimbo he just “finished on”

  25. Ensign unveils reelection campaign ads:

    1. What do women actually want? Guys, I mean, like, ya know, really? You boink the mistress, go home, fall asleep on the couch, let the kids out into the yard, lock the door, and tuck the pets into bed. Problem? Only for Marxist.
    2. She seduced me with the pay raise I gave her.

  26. I love how lesser men drag Clinton through the mud for eternally whenthey fuck up.

    No, sir; you are not Bill Clinton, nor will you ever be, you two-bit, assistant-fucking, penny-ante, momma’s boy. Suck a salted sack of Downtown Vegas street-dicks, dick. You wouldn’t even get Slick Willy’s sloppy, third-string pussy.

    Yeah, did I mention Ensign is pitiful?

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