Here is what we know about John Ensign: he was schtupping his buddy’s wife for six months or so until they got caught, at which point Ensign begged his old parents to give his buddy $96,000 in hush money (that worked out in the end!), which they did, spread across eight $12,000 checks to various family members so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. He shouldn’t be forced to resign. It’s better this way, to see him roaming around the desert, giving interviews, meekly trying to hedge his failures, shaming himself, and coming across like a dingbat fraud, which he is: “Ensign told The Associated Press that he didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and that he hasn’t ‘done anything legally wrong.'” Indeed, this would make a fine re-election campaign slogan. [AP, Las Vegas Gleaner]

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  • Failed 2 Menace

    That photo is one coat of green paint from Herman Munster tribute territory.

  • Prommie

    No, Jim, not so it would not have to be declared as taxable income, gifts are never taxable income, its so the gifts would not be subject to the gift tax, a very different tax.

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    To his credit, Cindy Hampton is not a Jew. So, technically, he is correct.

  • V572625694

    Ensign/Snowbilly 2012: “Not enough evidence to indict!”

  • Zorg

    By Las Vegas standards, Ensign is a pretty upright citizen. I mean, he did come up with the money to compensate the cuckold. Would Jim Gibbons do that?

  • Extemporanus

    John Ensign: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Darlene Ensign.”

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    Ensign: “Boning Your Wife the Legal Way Since 2007”

  • user-of-owls

    Read the Gleaner’s link to an infinitely better slogan minted by Mssr. Gov. Gibbons:

    I’m not going to fuck you, I’m going to rape you.

    A more succinct description of the GOP agenda will ne’er be had.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I think the whole running screaming to mommy and daddy to bail his sorry peen out of trouble kinda negates most of Slick Willie’s issues.

  • Fox n Fiends

    its the Ensign of the Apocalypse

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Ensign, Bachmann, Snowbilly, Vitter, Steele must all stick around–they are proof that God loves Wonkette.

  • DangerousLiberal

    No, he hasn’t lied under oath–yet.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Well, $96,000 can buy you a whole lot of truth, so yea.

  • snoidoid
  • 4tehlulz

    I would rather be known as someone who lied under oath about a personal affair irrelevent to the proceedings than as someone whose olds had to pony up hush money, after election to the U.S. Senate.

    In sum, in terms of manhood, Bill >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> John Ensign.

  • Chickensmack

    [re=391619]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Don’t forget Kristen, the humiliated one from Town Hall!

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=391615]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “It takes a village to fuck your wife.”

  • Min

    It’s not the sex that’s so appalling, although the hypocrisy of that, Mr. Promise Keeper, is simply stunning. It’s the running to Mommy and Daddy, expecting them to fix everything for you, that really galls.

    Just how small is your penis, sir?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Brilliant, I’m laughing as I type this.

  • Chickensmack

    [re=391635]SayItWithWookies[/re]: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    And I know what to call this guy now. “John Enquivocasign.”

  • tthyme

    Those Xians sure have some complicated rules on who is OK fucking whom. Clearly, I need to get an annotated copy of their commandments to understand the box scores.

  • KilgoreTrout_XL

    “I’m Jim Ensign and I don’t resign for shit.”

    This message was paid for by the ‘People of God Who Seriously Doubt That Jim Ensign Could Even Fit That Ball Gag In His Mouth So What Is With All These Rumors Foundation’.

  • orange

    What a reject of a human.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Lie Under Oath Like Clinton Did and Say That He Hasn’t ‘Done Anything Legally Wrong’

  • Country Club Jihadi

    He’s like the love child of Televangelist Robert Tilton and Joe Isuzu.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=391614]user-of-owls[/re]: I agree that Gov. Gibbons’ comment is a “succinct description of the GOP agenda.” Very attention-getting and it still doesn’t have any numbers in it.

    Plus, he has his sex in parking garages, saving money on hotel rooms. Double points for fiscal conservatism!

  • sludjbunni

    [re=391620]DangerousLiberal[/re]: No, he hasn’t been caught lying under oath–yet. Fixed.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=391649]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]:
    Dammit! Use your imagination to place functioning strikethrough tags on either side of “Commit Adultery.”

  • Gopherit

    You certainly are no Bill Clinton. The Big Dog didn’t have to raid his campaign office to get tail. He had it lined up for miles. Plus, he had a quiet dignity and class that you lack. He also had better taste in ties.

  • El Pinche

    God does his hair.

  • freakishlystrong

    I thought the link said “Las Vegas Weener” yep.

  • frailamerica

    What about God’s laws!?

  • Chickensmack

    [re=391665]Gopherit[/re]: It does hurt, a little, to know that Bill Clinton got that laid. I mean, seriously. Is it a foot long or something? Now after listening to his wife speak, I know why he did it… but really: what was his je ne sais quois?

  • arewethereyet

    it’s always about “legal” never about ethics with these assholes.

  • widestanceromancer

    “I did not commit real adultery, I simply mis-f*cked my friend’s b*tch” (forgive me for re-doing the same comment I used for Sanford)

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …he is RIGHT they are totally different! Clinton is the type of guy to go to a strip club pennyless and come out with a hot piece of ass. Ensign is the type to fall in love with a stripper and spend his kids college funds getting her boobs done!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Not like Clinton? Does that mean he finishes in her hair and not on her dress?

  • shadowMark

    [re=391621]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: $96,000 for six months of fucking? Does that come to something like $534 per fuck?

  • KilgoreTrout_XL

    [re=391703]shadowMark[/re]: I doubt he can eat that many oysters.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=391624]snoidoid[/re]: I was thinking Bostwick in Spin City

  • JSDC007

    He clearly isn’t Bill Clinton.

    Virginia Kelly would never have given Monica Lewinsky $96,000.

  • kth

    Ensign didn’t lie under oath because there isn’t an independent counsel going through the entirety of his adult life with a pair of tongs and a blacklight, nor a frivolous lawsuit sponsored by Ensign’s political opponents, nor the former colluding with the latter in violation of professional ethics.

    But that’s nothing that Obama can’t fix.

  • TeddyS

    Isn’t it about time that he hold a Town Hall meeting and blame Obama for setting him up and for killing white people while putting a Mexican hoochee-koochee pole dancer on the Supreme Court?

  • La Cieca

    “Adultery: It’s Not Technically a Felony”

  • frailamerica

    [re=391703]shadowMark[/re]: And that’s only if they “did it” once a day.

  • Terry

    [re=391600]Failed 2 Menace[/re]:

    How is this?

  • Terry
  • Todd Mecklem

    Ensign is pretty much saying “I am not a crook.”

    Didn’t work out too well for the last guy who said it.

  • Cherry Garcia

    Much like the Salem witch trials, I think we need a verifying test here. We can “throw” Ensign into North Korea. If he makes it out, well, yes, he is in fact Bill Clinton. If not, then he was right.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    So, this means he is demanding that Sen. Vitter steps down immediately?

    Ensign: “Ensign in ’12: It was my parents that committed tax-fraud, not me!”

  • honkyman

    Gonna schtup that gwine
    gonna schtup that gwine

    –Lenny Bruce

    many moons ago

  • chascates

    In the same way that Newt Gingrich received a blow job and could say he didn’t have sex.

  • Sussemilch

    [re=391600]Failed 2 Menace[/re]: He looks like a humorless Barry Bostwick.

  • Prommie

    [re=391733]La Cieca[/re]: I like that, what you did there.

  • Carl Spakler

    Shit, this ruins my plans to appoint myself independent prosecutor and blow $150mil in gov’t colored money investigating him.

  • HomoSuperior

    I’d hate-hit it.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=391758]Todd Mecklem[/re]: “Didn’t work out too well for the last guy who said [‘I am not a crook.’]” Yeah, but Tricky Dick got to have all the fun of prolonging an illegal war and causing a Constitutional crisis before he got his comeuppance. What’s Ensign done except cheat on his wife, ruin his best friend, use campaign contributions in a shady manner, jeopardize his parents’ tax status, draw attention to his shy friends at C Street, and ignore his constituents while they go broke? Small potatoes. But I have to admit, like the werewolf, his hair is perfect.

  • hobospacejunkie

    No cancelled checks have been produced to prove his parents paid off the cuckold and family. Plus he claimed extortion yet never notified the police, and then (supposedly) had his parents pay the extortion money. This is one big fucking piece of shit of a man.

  • rocktonsammy

    How old do you have to be before your parents stop paying for your mistakes?

    This HUGE douche couldn’t begin to carry Bubba’s jockstrap.

  • EdFlinstone

    Actually I think the son of the mistress should be the new wingnut hero, letting a senator fuck your mom for career advancement, that would make Ayn Rand proud.

  • bullship

    Mommy! Daddy! Please come bail me out of trouble again.
    Help MR. Wizzard, Help. I don’t want to be a piece of shit senator anymore.

    Twism, Twasm, Twuzim, Twome, Darlene Ensign, lose his bone.

    It’s tainted. (if you know what we mean.)

  • desertwind

    Just imagine what the rejected photos looked like. Eek!

  • smellyal8r

    To quote the old country song:

    If Jesus came to your house, to spend an hour or two…

    John Ensign would probably offer him and beer and some bimbo he just “finished on”

  • S.Luggo

    Ensign unveils reelection campaign ads:

    1. What do women actually want? Guys, I mean, like, ya know, really? You boink the mistress, go home, fall asleep on the couch, let the kids out into the yard, lock the door, and tuck the pets into bed. Problem? Only for Marxist.
    2. She seduced me with the pay raise I gave her.

  • LoweredPeninsula

    I love how lesser men drag Clinton through the mud for eternally whenthey fuck up.

    No, sir; you are not Bill Clinton, nor will you ever be, you two-bit, assistant-fucking, penny-ante, momma’s boy. Suck a salted sack of Downtown Vegas street-dicks, dick. You wouldn’t even get Slick Willy’s sloppy, third-string pussy.

    Yeah, did I mention Ensign is pitiful?

  • Marlowe

    The difference:
    Ensign came in her.
    Clinton came on her.

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