EMAIL OF THE DAY  11:37 am August 20, 2009

‘After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this?’

by Jim Newell

Yesterday your Wonkette took its turn to write about the “hot new Internet article,” this thing from Townhall, about how Michelle Obama’s mother Marian Robinson has been practicing Satanic witchcraft — or “witchcraft mumbo-jumbo,” as Barack Obama calls it — inside the White House. The author of this important piece of investigative blog journalism, however, was not pleased with your editor’s dissection of the article. She has sent us an e-mail with complaints and makes a number of provocative political arguments.

from Kristen Atkinson <[REDACTED]>
to ken@wonkette.com
cc jim@wonkette.com
date Thu, Aug 20, 2009 at 3:26 AM
subject my story

Dear Wonkette editors,

I posted a very serious article recently in Townhall.com about witchcraft in the White House, and later realized that your website had made a farce out of it. I saw that your staff and readers made a lot of extremely cruel comments about me and my story. Why are you people so rude? Does anybody take anything seriously anymore?

Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate? Do you actually believe it is appropriate for a man who was raised a Muslim to pretend he is a Christian and go to a church for 20 years with an anti-American preacher? Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president? Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo? Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?

After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this? How incredibly tragic. You folks don’t really seem to understand the extreme peril that our nation confronts. Stop making fun of me. Take off your blinders! Wake up!

Respectfully, Kristen

We hear that Obama is black, too!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 373 comments }

CrunchyKnee August 20, 2009 at 11:40 am

Oh mercy, that is fucking funny. Kristen, would you like to meet for a drink sometime? I think I love you.

Gorillionaire August 20, 2009 at 11:40 am

Dear Kristen,

Thorazine. Look into it.

Yours Respectfully,
Gorillionaire

GDuvall August 20, 2009 at 11:41 am

Sorry, Kristen. We’re all going to have to become Muslim Black Christian Voodoo Satanist Communists, and the sooner we accept that, the less violence there will be. The war is over, and the bums won.

Larry McAwful August 20, 2009 at 11:42 am

God sent George W. Bush to rescue us from 9/11? Uh-oh. When Bush meets his maker, God’s gonna be maaaaaad…

StephanieInDC August 20, 2009 at 11:42 am

holy shit that CAN’T be real. …right?

OH, also on classy Townhall today, Ann Coulter sez health care reform is SEKRIT PLOT to make REAL MURICANS pay for the liberals’ sex change operations.

seriously.

tiger August 20, 2009 at 11:42 am

Please tell me that was a joke.

tehbenton August 20, 2009 at 11:43 am

Marry me. I’m gay, but marry me.

But I’ll want to see your birth certificate first; you know, to make sure you’re actually an Earthling and not… something else. Because I gots my doubts, tits.

m_supercomputer August 20, 2009 at 11:43 am

It’s the “respectfully” that really makes it art.

Kaylub August 20, 2009 at 11:43 am

That response wasn’t REAL was it?

captqitn August 20, 2009 at 11:43 am

Oh yay! My dining room table finally arrived! Phew, just in time for dinner party tonight.

Kinbote August 20, 2009 at 11:43 am

He is the Prince of this World, Kristen. Follow us.

Tybalt August 20, 2009 at 11:43 am

Kristen Atkinson,

I can’t stop making fun of you, because Marian Robinson has put me under one of her Satanicized goat-blood spells and I am a helpless zombie in her cause. I wish you would stop thinking of yourself and realize how serious this is.

Yours in Satan’s loving caress,

Tybalt

SlouchingTowardsWasilla August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

“Brainwashed by communists” is a new one for me. I already knew he hated America though what with all that talk of improving the health care system.

Respectfully, Slouch

norbizness August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

Oh boy, an interview!

Why are you people so rude? Fuck off.

Does anybody take anything seriously anymore? Shut the fuck up.

Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate? Apparently yes.

Do you actually believe it is appropriate for a man who was raised a Muslim to pretend he is a Christian and go to a church for 20 years with an anti-American preacher? Hell yes, how else could we cement our alliance with dhimmifascists?

Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president? It would depend on the communists.

Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo? As long as it isn’t Wall of Voodoo.

Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House? We might turn into a bunch of incoherent, fat assholes who scream nonsensical bullshit at public forums? WHOOPS

facehead August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

She had me at “Respectfully.”

J.D. August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

Do you really, truly, seriously think it is hip to be square?

tiger August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

How do freaks like this have jobs all over America?Oh yeah. Thorazine, lithium, seroquel, booze and a good “born again” experience. Damn, i did the wrong thing: i went to university.

hobospacejunkie August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

Hey Kristen — on what planet do you spend most of your time? Your anus? Because that’s the only place you could’ve found this clownish attempt to smear the president’s family. Go eat a bag of lightly-salted poison rat dicks, troll. You are obviously insane, intellectually deficient and a crank. Seek medical assistance immediately.

Dreamer August 20, 2009 at 11:44 am

To paraphrase Barney Frank, on what planet does this lunatic spends most of her time?

el_chupacabra August 20, 2009 at 11:45 am

Is it possible this “Kristen” has “punk’d” the “interblogs”?

If so i wish to “first” her.

The King of Spoons August 20, 2009 at 11:45 am

Kristen, I believe you forgot something. Here at Wonkette we all know that Obama is a Secret Commie-NAZI-GRANDMAKILLER-muslim-kenyan-onesian, and not merely a Secret Commie-muslim-kenyan-onesian.

Oldskool August 20, 2009 at 11:45 am

Obviously a gag letter. No one that stupid could spell. Or use a computer.

I-man August 20, 2009 at 11:45 am

My Jaw is literally on the floor. How can a human hold such wildly and self-evidently contradictory views and not be tore asunder by the sheer illogical nature of it all. My head hurts.

takes12no1 August 20, 2009 at 11:45 am

Dear Ms. Atkinson: I just have one question for you. On what fucking planet do you spend most of your time?

facehead August 20, 2009 at 11:46 am
GayInMaine August 20, 2009 at 11:46 am

This makes me feel tingly all over.

missannethrope August 20, 2009 at 11:46 am

Do you really, seriously, truly believe it is appropriate and OK to be an insane nutjob?

Meaux August 20, 2009 at 11:46 am

I submit that Kristen, like our idol Sarah Palin, just quit her current career (as a writer of specious TownHall articles), as clearly others are making her job impossible with their mockery and farcicalness and use of facts. Intolerable!

facehead August 20, 2009 at 11:47 am

When did she escape from IKEA?

Larry McAwful August 20, 2009 at 11:47 am

I disagree with Kristen’s conclusion. I think it would be more cruel if you [i]didn’t[/i] let batshit crazy people know just how crazy they are. They could hurt themselves, or others.

house of the blue lights August 20, 2009 at 11:48 am

Um….

Come here a minute August 20, 2009 at 11:48 am

Dear Kristen,

To stop “making fun” would be a violation of all we hold dear. This is America!

Respectlessly,
Come here a minute

Better American Than You August 20, 2009 at 11:48 am

Now stop making fun of Kristen. She, like Andrea Yates and Disney child stars, cannot help it.

house of the blue lights August 20, 2009 at 11:48 am

um…

takes12no1 August 20, 2009 at 11:48 am

[re=391320]hobospacejunkie[/re]: [re=391321]Dreamer[/re]: damn this internety thing is slow.

hobospacejunkie August 20, 2009 at 11:49 am

[re=391316]norbizness[/re]: I’m on a Mexican, woh-oh, radio…

El Pinche August 20, 2009 at 11:49 am

“Take off your blinders! Wake up!” ….or in other words “WAKE UP SHEEPLE!”

SHOORRTTTSSS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!!???

teebob2000 August 20, 2009 at 11:49 am

Wow…

Just…

Wow…

you cannot be serious August 20, 2009 at 11:49 am

Dear Kristen, You sure ask a lot of questions. Let me answer them.

Because of me. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Love, Satan

ForTheTurnstiles August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

If your God gave us GWB, he must fucking hate America.

edgydrifter August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

Dumhore says what?

stink, but August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

Any respectable journalist worth her salt would know that Associated Press style dictates that ‘Web site’ is two words, the former word being capitalized. I think Kristen’s credentials may be forged.

Poopley J. Crandleberry August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

Holy fuck, 3:26AM?? I suppose after a hand full on Xanny’s and a bottle of red wine she managed the nerve to press “send”.

Uncertainty Vice-Principal August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

Dear Mr _______ of Nigeria,

Your contact information was referred to me by one of my trusted contacts, whose name I am not at liberty to compromize. I would like to approach you reguarding the transfer of TEN MILLION (10000000) U.S. Birthers into your country. These people were left over from a past regime, whose leader was unable to cash them before leaving office, and they remain roaming free in our country without the basic cognitive skills necessary to fend for themselves….

thehelveticascenario August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

The best thing is we know she’s gonna read the comments.

Meaux August 20, 2009 at 11:50 am

[re=391316]norbizness[/re]: What what what? No Wall of Voodoo? After they gave us the Best Christmas Song EVER? “Shouldn’t Have Given Him a Gun for Christmas” makes my season, every year. Deal with it, Norbizness.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend August 20, 2009 at 11:51 am

“She has sent us an e-mail with complaints and makes a number of provocative political arguments.”

Jim: Since when is “provocative” a synonym for “retarded”? Inquiring minds demand an answer!

the problem child August 20, 2009 at 11:51 am

Dear Kristen,

Aren’t you worried about the carpets in the Oval Office being stained by satanic goat blood? I mean,really, really worried? Shouldn’t you be? Get your priorities straight, you fuckwit!

See you in hell or whatever,

tpc

Advocatus_Diaboli August 20, 2009 at 11:51 am

I call bullshit unless “Kristen” attacks teh Wonkett that finds everything funny on her TH blog.

Hopey dont play that game August 20, 2009 at 11:52 am

Bat-shit crazy, thin-skinned, can’t sleep (email send at 3:26 am). I might have a new crush…

finness August 20, 2009 at 11:52 am

Soon we will all be buried in an avalance of dining room tables! Run for your lives!

teebob2000 August 20, 2009 at 11:52 am

Oh, OK, I get it now!!! Newell, you guys got us all AGAIN!! “Kristen”… Right! Nobody could seriously be THAT huge of a fucking twat for real.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

hobospacejunkie August 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

[re=391340]takes12no1[/re]: We are obviously connected telepathically. Wanna cyber?

[re=391334]Larry McAwful[/re]: Try carets instead of brackets.

Egregious August 20, 2009 at 11:54 am

[re=391312]captqitn[/re]: Win!

flyingspaghettimonster August 20, 2009 at 11:55 am

“Stop making fun of me”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

wow.

Larry McAwful August 20, 2009 at 11:55 am

I’m not really worried about the witchcraft in the White House, but that could be because my mom used to buy me Wendy, Hot Stuff and Casper comic books when I was a kid, which no doubt ingrained me with a love of witchcraft and Islam and a hatred for America and Jesus. If she’d only bought me more Richie Rich comics, I might be a decent capitalist and the owner of a robot maid today. You must be careful when raising your children.

I did a tarot reading last night and got a full house. What does that mean?

Respectfully,
Larry.

P.S.: Happy Ramadan, everyone!

Doglessliberal August 20, 2009 at 11:55 am

[re=391307]StephanieInDC[/re]: which is interesting, as Ann Coulter REALLY looks to me like a tranny. So I guess it is OK as long as you self-finance the operation, like he/she did?

El Pinche August 20, 2009 at 11:55 am

If this is real (I’m have operatives and agents working the scene as we speak to confirm this), then this only means one thing.

warblog.

shadowMark August 20, 2009 at 11:55 am

We are going to be the laughing stock of Twitter and Facebook.

El Pinche August 20, 2009 at 11:56 am

[re=391364]El Pinche[/re]: “I have operatives..” , that is. ahem.

Native of SL UT August 20, 2009 at 11:56 am

Dear Ken and Jim,
Please hire Kristen for Wonkette. Her talent for comedy is wasted at Townhall.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 20, 2009 at 11:57 am

“Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?”

Holy shit that’s brilliant.

/Please/ hire this crazy fucking bitch.

She’s a gas.

teebob2000 August 20, 2009 at 11:57 am

[re=391325]The King of Spoons[/re]: …AND, we don’t care. ‘Cause we hate America. In fact, we view those as pluses.

lemprika August 20, 2009 at 11:58 am

Clearly this woman grew up in Miami like I did at a time when our local news reported daily about house raids where chickens and other animals were being sacrificed in “Santaria” rituals. Not a nice thing for the children to think about.

suchsweetthunder August 20, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=391310]m_supercomputer[/re]: Kirsten had me at hello. I love how she didn’t capitalize “editors” in the greeting. Now, usually you capitalize every noun in a letter’s salutation. Perhaps this is some form of respect: At Wonkette “Editors” isn’t just a title, it’s a way of life.

You might contend that “Editors” is just a fancy-smancy title; you could claim that what really happens here is writing. Au contraire mon frere . . . you’d be wrong. They edit. They are editors. Viva la resistance.

Redhead August 20, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Why, you’re right Kristen, how could we NOT take a blog entry (not an article, a blog entry) on town hall (which is known for being such an accurate, unbiased news source) that is written without a single source (other than, of course, that one anonymous one who herself “thinks” the facts and doesn’t actually know them) and written but such an obviously factual, unbiased, clear-headed blogger seriously?

Ooops, we must have been dipping into G Dubya’s coke stash a little too much. Everyone knows he likes to cut it with some funny stuff…

flyingspaghettimonster August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Hey! Want a laugh? Click on her “Biography” link.

the deliverator August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

She could have gotten rid of the second paragraph and replaced it with one line: “Do you realize the President’s black?!”

Larry McAwful August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=391359]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I keep forgetting that.

Dr. Zoidberg August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Dear Kristen…

I am intrigued by your views and would like to receive your newsletter. Will it be printed in crayon on toilet paper, or feces on moist towelettes?

OT: “moist towelettes’ would make a great band name

hobospacejunkie August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=391362]Larry McAwful[/re]: Nah, I read Richie Rich & Scrooge McDuck and I’m a work-shirking wannabe commie. Ain’t worked in 9 years, since I was 34.

Buzz Feedback August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

Next week Kristen and her AR-15 are scheduled to appear at the opening of a Chuck E. Cheese in the Del Amo Fashion Center.

Tybalt August 20, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=391369]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: If we allow enough Satanic forces to gather over the White House, we can summon the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to destroy Washington D.C. forever. I SEE A GREAT NEED.

mephistopheles jefferson August 20, 2009 at 12:02 pm

What I think is funny is that after God sent us GWB, He decided to alternate with Satan for at least the next four years. I for one would be a little pissed at God for continuing to fuck with me. Eternity must be as boring as shit.

Dr. Zoidberg August 20, 2009 at 12:02 pm

[re=391362]Larry McAwful[/re]: Double down and try for the six of cups?

martinette August 20, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Kristen! Why do you share Townhall space with Michele Bachmann (http://michelebachmann.townhall.com/blog)??? Doncha know she thinks Catlicks are the Annychrist? And everyone knows Nobama is the Annychrist!

Doglessliberal August 20, 2009 at 12:03 pm

[re=391369]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: ok, so alleged voudoun practice = not ok and Satanic. Hiring private contractors as assassins, ignoring the Cobstitution, and starting a war for no apparent reason= OK and Godly. I will try to keep this straight.

(as a side note, I do love thst belief in a supernatirual being who controls you life is fine when it is a Christian God. Try to sneak some furriner God in there and it is evil).

rmontcal August 20, 2009 at 12:03 pm

“Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate?”

A good point… For while I really and truly think it is OK, I do not really, truly AND seriously think it is OK.

Oldskool August 20, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Aha. Her letter
is not in
three-word columns
like her blog.
Totally bogus. Who
types like this
anyhow? Crazy people,
that’s who.

Paul Tardy August 20, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up cry nor prayer for them, neither make intercession to me; for I will not hear thee. – Jeremiah hates America (and Israel)

Face it Wonk offs Jeremiah is the most anti American book of the bible, and it is appalling that for 20 years Muslim Obama listened to that reincarnated refried mojo man spewing that stuff. Now the LaHaye novels, that’s American religion. New and improved just like we Americans like it.

imissopus August 20, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Dear Kristen,

Oh no you di-int!

(Snaps fingers three times while drawing vaguely z-shaped character in air.)

Love,

imissopus

Chickensmack August 20, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Kristen,

Before you get all bent over our Muslin President and his “wallawalla bing-bang” mom-in-law, you might want to reconsider the “Dubya-as-sent-by-God” opinion. On the extreme spiritual left, we consider his form of religiosity to be apostate.

Please refrain from unfairly invoking the name of God. He really, really looks down on it. You might notice that as an entire Commandment, if you weren’t so angry that the granite edifice was removed from the courthouse.

You crazy bitch.
Chicken

Clancy_Pants August 20, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Kristen. Pull my finger

eleventybillionblogs August 20, 2009 at 12:06 pm

“Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president?”

Yeah! Do you really want one of those fancy-schmancy, highfalutin, uppity Negroes with their book learnin’ running the country?

Give us back our legacy’d in Harvard grad/draft dodger with the made-up vocabulary! He lubbed him some Jeebus.

imissopus August 20, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Seriously, she really sent you this with the sentence “Stop making fun of me”? Are we sure shorts isn’t behind this?

sludjbunni August 20, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Nadine lives.

Better American Than You August 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm

I miss Nancy Reagan. Now there was weird-ass New Age magic and astrology you could believe in!

JooJoo Bee August 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Wow. Does she really think it’s okay for a professed JEW to pass himself off as the Son of God, and a Christian, to boot? Pfft. Makes you wonder what else she would buy.

Larry McAwful August 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm

[re=391379]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Actually, Uncle Scrooge was one of my favorites as a kid, and I’m a work-shirking commie now, too. You’re better at it than I am, since I’m 39 and I’m still working. As it happens, I’m giving notice today, and will no longer be working after September 4. I’ve apparently got a lot of work-shirking to do to catch up with you.

I also have a lot of witchcraft to do. First thing I do after I quit this job is find out where you can get eye of newt. And a flying broomstick.

Maybe Donald Duck is the one who rubbed off on me? I don’t know. I often wear pants in public, so maybe not.

hobospacejunkie August 20, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=391389]Paul Tardy[/re]: Yeah, but American Jeremiads FTW!

Monsieur Grumpe August 20, 2009 at 12:09 pm

She seems nice in a Belle Gunness kind of way.

PrairiePossum August 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

If God sent us George W., I am happy to take my chances with Satan.

Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin August 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Be careful Wonketeers, remember the last time we fell in love with a Kirsten she turned into Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

JooJoo Bee August 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

And furthermore: No Muslin Black Christian Voodoo Satanist Communism, NO PEACE!

This Cat August 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm

How did she leave out the death panels? I don’t think she was really trying.

Uncertainty Vice-Principal August 20, 2009 at 12:11 pm

[re=391390]imissopus[/re]:

No no, the sign of Magog is made with FOUR snaps, and it’s more of a W sort of thing.

You just called up Zorro.

I mean, what kind of Satanic cult worships Zorro??

Lil' Kim Jong-Il August 20, 2009 at 12:11 pm

“Hey Wonkett, seems everything is funny to you.” — @Kristen_McAtkinsoncain

speedo August 20, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Don’t think it’s real. No one can be that stupid….can they?

Texan Bulldoggette August 20, 2009 at 12:12 pm

“Stop making fun of me.” Ha ha–it’s like she is 7 years old & all the kids are laughing at her because she’s wearing corduroy pants instead of the new hip skinny jeans!! Woo hoo–good stuff.

El Pinche August 20, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=391329]facehead[/re]: This is why the dems whole approach on trying to sell this crap to 39% of fully retarded people is not going to work. Fuck bipartisanship , fuck Grassly and Palin, fuck this new “immoral obligation” bullshit, just shove it down and get it done.

southpaw August 20, 2009 at 12:13 pm

I think the letter is a very serious, thoughtful argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care. Also.

Dr. Zoidberg August 20, 2009 at 12:13 pm

[re=391407]Uncertainty Vice-Principal[/re]: A really nifty one?

hobospacejunkie August 20, 2009 at 12:13 pm

[re=391400]Larry McAwful[/re]: Let me have the pleasure of congratulating you on giving notice and joining the work shirkers. The world needs more of you.

teebob2000 August 20, 2009 at 12:13 pm

>>Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president?

Kristen, sweetie – I think what you’re looking for here is:

Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists to hate America since he was a child, up through university, to be our president?

And the answer is “yes.”

You’re welcome. -Ed.

Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin August 20, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=391404]Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin[/re]: Or a Kristen, even.

Does the fact that this one sacrificed her dignity for less than $4000 per hour give her fewer whore diamonds, or cheaper whore diamonds (whore zirconia, perhaps)?

prizepig August 20, 2009 at 12:14 pm

My prediction:
Next, she’ll threaten to sue Wonkette over the mean things you terrible people are saying. After being told that’s entirely impossible she’ll attempt to organize a boycott of Wonkette’s advertisers. The boycott will peter out after about 30 minutes, when one of the four boycotters decides that she absolutely must know the simple household ingredient that will whiten your teeth (hint: toothpaste). Feeling powerless and embarrassed, Kristen will apologize to the editors, who will again mock her mercilessly.

The whole thing ends up where it began. Kristen, feeling aggrieved, munching handfuls of pharmaceuticals into the wee hours of the morning.

Make a note of it.

DemmeFatale August 20, 2009 at 12:14 pm

Dear Kristen,

It sucks that the truth has a left-wing bias, doesn’t it, honey?

Love,
Demme

Downtheroadapiece August 20, 2009 at 12:14 pm

Since Beck’s on vacation, the crazy has to come out on teh innergores to keep the balance in the force. Good work Kristen!

american mutt August 20, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=391386]Doglessliberal[/re]: wow, someone who spells “vodoun” correctly (excluding your typo)…

now i’m suspicious of you. you’re one of them aren’t you!?

dum librul August 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

When did our Wonkett go from snark to standard? I can’t tell the difference anymore between snarkastic mockery and this nutbag’s letter or the other crazy “arguments” out there. Is there one? Are there any conservatives in this country or do we only have liberals and liberals pretending to be insane conservatives?

I has a discomfort.

Texan Bulldoggette August 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

[re=391400]Larry McAwful[/re]: “First thing I do after I quit this job is find out where you can get eye of newt.”

Go rip it out of Mr. Gingrich, it’s not like an eye patch is gonna hurt or help his looks any. And if he resists, I’m sure you can find one on Ebay or craigslist.

JooJoo Bee August 20, 2009 at 12:15 pm

[re=391347]stink, but[/re]: Exactly. I argue this fine point of domineditrixy with my clients all the time. I say she needs to produce her *original* AP cred.

Anonymous Office Zombie August 20, 2009 at 12:16 pm

I’m still deciding whether her assumed role as the voice of the responsible adult/citizen is more funny than terrifying or more terrifying than funny.

S.Luggo August 20, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Michelle Malkin has found her rival.

(No, Krissy, that wasn’t a compliment. But please send sexy picture, anyway.)

Sussemilch August 20, 2009 at 12:18 pm

How do you go to church for 20 years and “pretend” to be a Christian?

More importantly, how does that make you any different than the Republican Christians who go to church all their lives and then fuck their neighbors, snort coke, embezzle billions, crash the economy, and lynch minorities?

Yeah, fuck you.

NYNYNY August 20, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Dear Wonkette,

After five years and many laughs (yes, there have been many good times) I have finally come to the conclusion that you have crossed the line with this article which does not take into consideration the seriousness of this issue. I feel I have become disenchanted with your parochial type of humor. I will no longer be subscribing to your blog or receiving email updates.

Thanks For the Good Times,

Barnstable Foxwinter

lolwtfbbq August 20, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Why did you redact her email when it’s right there on her blog? kristenatkinson@illinois.usa.com

Gopherit August 20, 2009 at 12:19 pm

Kristen,

Fuck you.

Respectfully,

Gopher

rev_matt_y August 20, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[re=391372]suchsweetthunder[/re]: I’m a butler, sir. I butle.

southpaw August 20, 2009 at 12:19 pm

“Kristen, sweetie – I think what you’re looking for here is:

Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists to hate America since he was a child, up through university, to be our president?”

If we’re going down this road, I’d suggest:

Do you really want someone who has been brainwashed by communists to hate America, from childhood through university, to be our president?

And, of course, we do. It’s the organizing principle of the Democratic party.

bumfug August 20, 2009 at 12:19 pm

The White House isn’t the only thing “abuzz” around this waterhead – please get me some of whatever she’s smoking.

Doglessliberal August 20, 2009 at 12:20 pm

[re=391420]american mutt[/re]: well, clearly I am. And a Luo, Kenyan-born, Nazi, Commie, too!

But the typos in the rest of my posting are pretty amazing. I got interrupted before sending and forgot to read my posting. I am a shitty typist. Man.

Gopherit August 20, 2009 at 12:20 pm

And, respectfully, Kristen….given your politics, shouldn’t you be making a sandwich or having a baby?

Respectfully,

Gopher.

Cape Clod August 20, 2009 at 12:21 pm

What? Nothing about death boards in her letter? She must be slipping.

Larry McAwful August 20, 2009 at 12:21 pm

[re=391414]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Thank you. I’m actually giving notice in a little bit. Right now I’m stuck on a boring teleconference, and I’m shirking that right now. Once this is over, I’m having lunch, then giving notice. Then I’ll work some more and go home and drink scotch!

Of course, once I’m a full-time grad student, there won’t be any more scotch, due to my lack of an income. So I will need money. I’m looking into alchemy, to turn lead into gold, or witchcraft. I just saw the new Harry Potter movie and I really connected with it, so that’s cool.

Birdcrash August 20, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Movement conservatism’s most lasting achievement is the mainstreaming of the insane.

chitrade August 20, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I’m surprised she didn’t mention the Well Known Fact that he is Hitler, also.

glamourdammerung August 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Kristen,
Do I have a problem with a bunch of made up smears? Nope.

You seem to have an issue with the truth or with reality. If it is the latter, you need to see a mental health professional. If it is the former, eat a bag of dicks.

facehead August 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Hmmm…

Maybe instead of trying to fight all these crazy rumors, maybe we should just start ADDING to them. Like infiltrating websites and posting slightly plausible but crazy bullshit, just make the bullshit so thick that even the crazies won’t be able to swim in it. I’m convinced that’s what KristenKristenKristen (wink wink) is doing here.

Is this feasible?

Maybe I’ll start a freeper account right now.

JooJoo Bee August 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=391398]Better American Than You[/re]: Their New Age is better than our New Age. That’s the real message of White Magic — don’t let those wimpy books at Borders fool you.

V572625694 August 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm
eclecticbrotha August 20, 2009 at 12:24 pm

I posted a very serious article recently in Townhall.com…

As soon as I read that opening line I knew it was all aboard the lulz train. Kristen, you have restored my faith in Poe’s Law. Bravo, coquette.

Love, B. L. Zebub

mrwizzy August 20, 2009 at 12:24 pm

[re=391348]Poopley J. Crandleberry[/re]: Awesome!

Scruffy_The_Janitor August 20, 2009 at 12:24 pm

There is at least one sane person reading that blog::

Ray writes:
This is just plain dumb and… …stupid. You have got to be the most ignorant knot on these boards or you’re a sorry excuse for a “plant”.

For my part I think you’re both. This is your first and I’m betting only post on TH and you’re going to make it about Mother-In-Law bringing witchcraft to the White Houise.

You’re a fraud.

Tybalt August 20, 2009 at 12:24 pm

[re=391422]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: The only eye of Newt I am interested in is his brown-eye. I bet he squeals like a stuck pig.

S.Luggo August 20, 2009 at 12:25 pm

[re=391397]sludjbunni[/re]: And uses better grammar. It’s amazing what ObamaCare can do.

shortsshortsshorts August 20, 2009 at 12:25 pm

KRISTIN YOU HAVE MUCH INSIGHT INTO THE WORKINGS OF THE PRESIDENCY DO NOT EAT A BAG OF DICKS, BUT RATHER A TRUCKLOAD OF THEM, IN ALL CAPS.

Jim89048 August 20, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Oh my Gog, I just spewed goatse blood all over my keyboard.

Terry August 20, 2009 at 12:26 pm

“Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo?”

No, actually, that was Sarah Palin and it was a church in Wasilla.

Captain McAwesome August 20, 2009 at 12:28 pm

HO… LY… …SHIT

“Stop making fun of me.”

NO. you make it way too easy.

eclecticbrotha August 20, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Kristen, Gog and MaGog called. They confess to everything. Well done.

Uncertainty Vice-Principal August 20, 2009 at 12:29 pm

[re=391431]southpaw[/re]: Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists to hate America since he was a child, up through university, to be our president?”

If we’re going down this road, I’d suggest:

Oh no, I think “up through university” is an important element, it’s where I feel like I am every time I read these kinds of letters. Specifically in “in my mouth a little” College.

american mutt August 20, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Gopherit August 20, 2009 at 12:29 pm

[re=391440]facehead[/re]: There we go. Embrace the crazy. it’s what we do best.

Oh, shorts…..

JooJoo Bee August 20, 2009 at 12:30 pm

[re=391427]NYNYNY[/re]: You forgot “Flounce *SLAM*”

widget09 August 20, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Wake up white people! Kristen obviously has a severe case on mental illness. How could Barrack be upset if he is “pretending” to be a christian? As far as I am concerned all religions are BS. Kristen is a classic “grundle-taint”.

Cicada August 20, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Kristen,
You know how we always joke about being fascist-communiss-muslin-America hating libruls? You’re the reason why!
The sad part is that no amount of parody can possibly reach the ridiculously high standard you’ve set. You’re so ridiculous that even the most extreme nutso blather cannot hope to top you. I mean, fricking witchcraft? You just had to go and raise the bar, didn’t you.

I hate you for killing comedy,
Cicada

Middy da Poo August 20, 2009 at 12:34 pm

I fell that by redacting Kristin’s email address you have robbed me of my dog-given right to contact her directly and let her know that I, too, am concerned about this black person who is in the Whitehouse.

=:-O

tootsieroll August 20, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Kristen,

Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK to go through live so really, truly, seriously deluded as to actually believe this true?

Do you really, truly, seriously understand that this whole “Manchurian Candidate” bullshit is so far-out-there-ludicrous, that rational, intelligent people have no choice to scratch their heads, and think, this many people can’t be that paranoid, stupid, and insane, so it must be they just can’t stand that we elected this black man with the funny name President?

Do you know the world is round?

Do you know, many of us born in the 1960′s grew up able to attend universities, and travel the world, and open our eyes to how ‘MERIKA is the goddamn center of the fucking universe?

Fuck you Kristen, for contributing to, and perpetuating this disgusting campaign to discredit our POTUS. YOU, my friend, and your dimwits at Townhall, Red State, and Freeperville, are the actually the enemy of the state. Suck on that.

Regards,
tootsie

earnestcivilservant August 20, 2009 at 12:35 pm

Kristen, Kristen, Kristen…

I think we need a picture to fully evaluate the insanity of her questions. If she’s hot, maybe she’s not soooo crazy.

No, forget it. She is insane wacko batshit crazy. OMG

JooJoo Bee August 20, 2009 at 12:35 pm

[re=391455]american mutt[/re]: Eggplant mojo? Cool. I can do this.

June Cleaver 2.0 August 20, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Ha ha that letter cracked me up more than the Santorum pic. Her last two questions in the first paragraph sounds like me a week before the Christmas vacation with 8th graders, so I sympathize with her utter helplessness in the face of the 8th grade spirit.

PerhapsSo August 20, 2009 at 12:37 pm

Oh, she’s so earnest. Isn’t that cute?

chingram August 20, 2009 at 12:37 pm

this is awesome. reminds me of home!

american mutt August 20, 2009 at 12:38 pm

[re=391463]JooJoo Bee[/re]: I think is scared the school nearby.

Liz Becton August 20, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Kristin, how ’bout in honor of the American Soldier, ya quit makin’ things up?

RoscoePColtraine August 20, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Come on Kristen, the man lets his mother-in-law live with him. That’s four, not three, females ganging up on his ass all the time. Can we just give the guy a break? I understand nothing is working for you, muslim, socialist, communist, secret homosexual, secret illegal alien; what’s left to throw? Satanic rituals. We should have known this would be next. He’s our duly elected president, having gone through a rigorous campaign, and chosen by the majority of the voters. Get used to sucking it, you lost, we won.

By the way, fuck you.

JSDC007 August 20, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Sarah, I mean Kristen, you forgot about cannibals in the West Wing, the Hindu Elephant God (Ganesh) in the East Wing, and Buddhists making sweet, sexy love on the front lawn of the White House. You’re slipping.

tootsieroll August 20, 2009 at 12:42 pm

[re=391461]tootsieroll[/re]: FACK. Forgot the *not* (the goddamn center).

*facepalm*

Joey Ratz August 20, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=391459]Cicada[/re]: Aw, c’mon – dontcha realise that the only way someone can be a Muslin, a Commie and a Fascist at once is through the use of witchcraft? Clearly, Kristen has stumbled upon a true fact.

eclecticbrotha August 20, 2009 at 12:45 pm

Kristen, a little Advice from Kirk Lazarus might go a long way to salvaging your career, sugar:

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ‘Rain Man,’ look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho’. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, ‘Forrest Gump.’ Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded. Peter Sellers, “Being There.” Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam.” Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed…

Just tryin’ to help.

BitchyMel August 20, 2009 at 12:45 pm

[re=391307]StephanieInDC[/re]: Well, Ann Coulter would know what those cost.

Guppy06 August 20, 2009 at 12:46 pm

Dork powers!

Jezzmund August 20, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Wonkette is cruel to Kristen, even though she never said a bad word about anyone. You bastards.

horned_viper August 20, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Who is she and why does she have a job? She is a pathological liar and writes at a middling middle school level. Where would this set of qualities be in-demand?

orange August 20, 2009 at 12:49 pm

When God gave us GWB, was she drunk, high or both?

ella August 20, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Please tell me the redacted part of her email addy includes 666.

The Church of Realism August 20, 2009 at 12:50 pm

My name is Kristin; I have an anus
I don’t love Satan; He’s insanus
You hurt my feelings; Why am I crazy?
Oh wow these Lortab; They make me hazy.

greywindz August 20, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Unbelievable!!! I wanna marry this female…immediately…and save this planet from voodoo children…

Barrelhse August 20, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Kristen, honey, keep talking- I’m about to come.

heroinmule August 20, 2009 at 12:53 pm

I don’t want to be white anymore. It’s kind of upsetting that she is vaguely aware of grammar. It gives her e-mail fart more legitimacy. I just wanted to check — can anyone give me an explanation of the birthers that doesn’t involve being a huge stinking racist?

jimson August 20, 2009 at 12:55 pm

“Respectfully, Kristen”

. . . “respectfully”?

seriously??

Gopherit August 20, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[re=391459]Cicada[/re]: Cicada, you must EMBRACE the crazy. Kristen could become another star in wonkette’s crazy midnight sky.

horned_viper August 20, 2009 at 12:56 pm

I found it very difficult to re-read the incoherent letter, so here it is in its contextual entirety:

Dear Wonkette,

Why don’t you like me? My feelings are hurt.
Obama is a jerk, how dare he be black?
Wah!

Respectfully,
Kristin

NixonNow August 20, 2009 at 12:56 pm

Alex Jones needs a hamburger.

ManchuCandidate August 20, 2009 at 12:58 pm

deer Kristy,

U Stupit. Ur post dont kneed help fur us to mock.

Keep ritin and stay klassy, botard.

MC

BitchyMel August 20, 2009 at 12:59 pm

bwaahahahaha, her bio says “Obamas’(as in plural) tricks must be exposed.” She’s a treasure.

NopantsMcGee August 20, 2009 at 1:00 pm

Wow, Kristy. You sure make the Mormans look stupid.

annievt August 20, 2009 at 1:00 pm

She reads Wonkette! Yay!

bhosp August 20, 2009 at 1:01 pm

Is it worth asking what kind of lame God, if you accept the premise of the article, could get beat by one First Mother-in-law doing African Hoodoo in the White House?

Is this one of those “creating a rock so heavy that He Himself can’t lift it” situations?

Or, to put it another way, “What does God need with a starship?”

hagajim August 20, 2009 at 1:01 pm

I can’t believe you all are making fun of this Einstein….hell she’s just tryin to save the world from the witchy Muslin

azw88 August 20, 2009 at 1:02 pm

[re=391311]Kaylub[/re]: It had to be. No one is clever enough to make up something that BATSHIT CRAZY!

BlueStateLibtard August 20, 2009 at 1:03 pm

“After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911.”

Kristy, why don’t you tell this to my DEAD cousin who was slaughtered on 9/11 in Manhattan by Islamic terrorists? I’m sure he would think it very funny to know that George W. “rescued” him.

dougbob August 20, 2009 at 1:04 pm

this is the best ever post on Wonkette. you guys & gals can just take the rest of the month off. do an rss feed from her column into a template that allows us to comment. we’ll keep the fires burning!

4tehlulz August 20, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Dear Kristen:

Kill yourself. It’s your only path to salvation.

Respectfully, 4tehlulz

teebob2000 August 20, 2009 at 1:06 pm

Hey, everyone — if you want to go here for a kick of reality, too… Comments closed, FUCK!!

http://lhla.org/breaking_news/?p=2671

Note the bible verse at the top of the page. Sue Brinkmann’s Christian, so she’s good people.

Note also the name of the website: Women of Grace. But if you can’t really read (or do like me and simply ignore) the very stylized W and G, you get the true picture of what’s going on here.

RoscoePColtraine August 20, 2009 at 1:08 pm

After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this?

Kristen, if we take your premise at face value, we are faced with a couple of choices:

God sent GWB to lead us for eight years, therefore God has sent us BHO.

God sent GWB to lead us for eight years, but God has gone on break and couldn’t give a fuck about what’s going on now.

I’m going with option (C): You, Kristen, are full of shit.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello August 20, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Dear Kristin,

We would gladly take a voodoo practicing, goats blood-drinking, sage bong-toking first family over the Space Jeebus-worshiping magic pajama ninja (read: Mittens) and the wizard carpenter-fellating snowbilly that you will start touting in 2011.

Yours in Black Jesus,

Rev. PL

sludjbunni August 20, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=391471]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “what’s left to throw?” Barbecues kittens in the Rose Garden. Served in puppy sauce.

Cicada August 20, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=391513]Gopherit[/re]: Another star in Wonkette’s crazy midnight sky? I guess Kristen, Michele Bachmann, and Orly Taitz form the “Batshit Belt” constellation. Glenn Beck and Coulter and Hannity form “Wingnutus Major”.
And Rush is Uranus, of course.

norbizness August 20, 2009 at 1:13 pm

Apparently Dubya’s first mission in rescuing us from the horrors of 9/11 was to ignore all warnings indicating that the horrors of 9/11 were about to happen.

finallyhappy August 20, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Ok-I have been around a lot longer than many of you(even if we added some of you together-I’m older) This is a joke- it has to be. It is just too many of the stupid right wing nonsense things plus the witchcraft crap put together to be real. She punked(is that the current term?) Townhall and is keeping it up by addressing Wonkette.

slowuncle August 20, 2009 at 1:17 pm

[re=391513]Gopherit[/re]: I agree, this sweet young (?) thing should be welcomed as our special new friend- we need to try & embrace her and her, um, carefully thought-out world view. I’ve done this before – it’s fun! Have you ever listened to a Syd Barrett record? No, I mean the ones he made AFTER being fired from Pink Floyd for taking too much LSD. Requires a little conceptual adjusting and a REAL open mind but it can be rewarding. ———–although a part of me suspects that “Kristin” is really Stephen Colbert’s girlfriend, if you get my drift…

Zorg August 20, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Oh, Kristen, why are you still withholding the information you possess about how the President wears a grass skirt in the Oval Office and participates in cannibal feasts at Camp David? Now, that would really get people’s attention!

finallyhappy August 20, 2009 at 1:20 pm

[re=391526]bhosp[/re]: I will ask Spock and Kirk when I meet them – about the starship- I mean

The Cold Sea August 20, 2009 at 1:22 pm

[re=391307]StephanieInDC[/re]: She’s just mad because he had to pay for his own operations. Ann was really Dan a few years ago.

OfTheTheatricalPersuasian August 20, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Do you really believe the bullshit that Glen Beck is raping your ears with?

SayItWithWookies August 20, 2009 at 1:24 pm

That letter is a thing of beauty. I hope you folks are having it illuminated by a Capucin monk on parchment and hanging it in a place of honor in the Wonkette Hall of Fame. Over the toilet would be nice.

AxmxZ August 20, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Kristen, for one, needs to learn to welcome her new Reptiloid overlords.

ericstoltz August 20, 2009 at 1:26 pm

“I posted a very serious article recently in Townhall.com”

Right there you knew what was coming. “I wrote responsibly and objectively about the very real dangers of witches flying about Washington, multi-generational conspiracies to anoint Rosemary’s Baby as resident and how every morning we should be grateful that the sun is able to emerge from the Atlantic Ocean without its fire being put out. And you have the NERVE to mock me when I am being totally serious!”

Oh, and then we are the bad people because we did not listen respectfully to such crap. Welcome to Murica.

Neilist August 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm

Today, we all are Kristen Atkinson.

(Seriously, though, Jim & Ken: You gave yourself away with the first sentence: “I posted a very serious article recently in Townhall.com about witchcraft in the White House . . . .”

Nice try, though.)

dijetlo August 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm

[re=391392]Chickensmack[/re]: The hardest part about being a Liberal Christian are the Conservative Christians.

The Cold Sea August 20, 2009 at 1:28 pm

Dear Kristen:

All those chickens getting delivered to the White House are for dinner not voodoo. You know, black people *love* fried chicken.

Come here a minute August 20, 2009 at 1:28 pm

Who knew that Paul Simon would anticipate Santeria in the White House?

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
Wo wo wo
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes
It’s a little secret just the Robinsons’ affair
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the kids

Links August 20, 2009 at 1:28 pm

After 8 years of God’s Preznint, I say now it’s Satan’s turn. It’s only fair.

davesnothere August 20, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=391307]StephanieInDC[/re]: Unlike Ann, who poneyed up and spent her own dime.

ekaptian August 20, 2009 at 1:32 pm

“Take off your blinders! Wake up!”

So…she objects to the fact that we’re sleeping with blinders on? DAMMIT, I’ve had about enough of conservatives judging what consenting adults do in the bedroom.

So the argument runs thusly: Obama is a Muslim communist voodoo priest, who was raised to hate America but is possessed of such steely self-discipline that he PRETENDED to be a Christian for twenty years and convinced more than 50% of the American people of his deep and abiding love for this country. Well, when you put it that way: Hell yeah, now I’m twice as glad he’s the president. He’s the ultimate BAMF!

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 20, 2009 at 1:33 pm

Hey Kristen! *waves*

BOOGABOOGABOOGA. Now, that’s settled. Please make your way to the medicine cabinet, find the bottle of percoset, and partake liberally.

Respectfully,
queeraselvis v 2.0

engulfedinflames August 20, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Dear Kristin, I am serious as Stalin and old enough to have friends and family members whose lives were destroyed by McCarthyism. You really truly seriously don’t know what you’re talking about. The nonsense that you spout is demonstrably false, absurd on its face, simple minded and dangerous. If the president, elected with both a popular and electoral majority, was in any way illegimate would we be hearing your voice? Please take your fear and a blanket into the nearest closet drop to you knees and beg your god to forgive you because I won’t.

Neilist August 20, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Just to be helpful (for once):

Notes of appreciation may be emailed to Ms. Atkinson via the address listed on her Townhall.com website:

kristenatkinson@illinois.usa.com

No, no, don’t thank me. Just knowing that I’ve contributed, in some small way, to this post/thread is thanks enough.

NJB August 20, 2009 at 1:37 pm

Dear Kristen,

Oh dear – were we rude to you? I’ll try better this time.

You’ve never written anything serious in your worthless, whorish life.

We mocked you because you write like an earnest, not terribly bright, home-schooled 12 year old from a double-wide in Alabama. Oh, and because you’re a vacuous, superstitious fucking dumbbell.

Eat shit and die, and I mean that in all sincerity,

NJB

Min August 20, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Oh, come on. That has to be satire. Nobody can drink that much birther Kool-aid and still use proper grammar, can she?

Wings August 20, 2009 at 1:38 pm

I may be just this side of crazy half the time but this woman is LONG GONE BatSHIT loopy! GW a saviour? Christ on a bicycle! Save me from her insanity!

SuperKitty August 20, 2009 at 1:41 pm

“Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo?”

Voodoo or doodoo? Because I hear Bo shits all over the place.

taylormattd August 20, 2009 at 1:42 pm

[re=391322]el_chupacabra[/re]: If so i wish to “fist” her.

Fixed.

liquiddaddy August 20, 2009 at 1:43 pm

[re=391434]Gopherit[/re]: I was thinking the same thing. I imagine she has a boneless rag doll cat that she’s named Mr. Wiskers whom she is constantly photographing in cute poses, (which she then incessantly e-mails to “friends”). She loves Baby Jesus more than grown-up Jesus. Quotes Chicken Soup for the Soul. Wears Walmart fashion. Cooks bland stove-top dinners. Drives an old mini-van. Has a weight problem. Has given up on sex. In short, this is Katherine Jean Lopez.

Longform August 20, 2009 at 1:44 pm

“Up through university”? Not “up through college”? Wonket’s been punked by a brit.

Godless Liberal August 20, 2009 at 1:44 pm

I like how “Wake up!” has become a universal secret code for “I’m fuckin’ nuts!”

checkeredkabul August 20, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I just heard this from inside of my own head and so it must be true: The Nazis were all about the Aryan superiority, and Aryans were originally from the Mideast, which means Muslim, and the Nazis were also National Socialists, which means Communists, so Nazi is the transitional stage between Muslim and Communist, and so Barack Obama is really an Aryan, which means he’s a Black Nazi Communist Muslim. Can I take Kristen home now?

badmuthagoose August 20, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Hmm. She’s crazy, but I’ll prove her wrong about taking things seriously:

Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate?

No. Which is why it’s great that we don’t have that president.

Do you actually believe it is appropriate for a man who was raised a Muslim to pretend he is a Christian and go to a church for 20 years with an anti-American preacher?

Lots of people pretend to be Christian. However, Obama was never a Muslim and I doubt he’s a pretender, like most of my neighbors. The rest of that question is too bollocky to even answer.

Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president?

Oh gosh, no. I think it’s good to have a president who cares about this country and is people, which is why I’m happy Obama is in and Bush is out!

Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo?

Well, seeing as voodoo isn’t real, I’m really not too worried about any defilement.

Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?

I’m not entirely convinced about Satan, either. I’m honestly more worried about our economy than what Obama’s mother in law is doing with cards or ghosties or something.

The Cold Sea August 20, 2009 at 1:46 pm

[re=391574]Neilist[/re]: I believe someone discovered yesterday that address is teh fake or not working. Wonkette has the real email address and NEEDS TO GIVE IT UP!1! Jim, give us her email address….please.

badmuthagoose August 20, 2009 at 1:50 pm

Oh and I think Satan’s forces gathering over the White House would look something like this:

http://s3files.core77.com/blog/images/Independence%20Day.jpg

Poopley J. Crandleberry August 20, 2009 at 1:52 pm

You know, I do appreciate how she try’s to talk a little sense into us. Ya know? I mean she does have a point..

jimson August 20, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Just answer her questions bluntly:

“Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate?”

A: of course not. I also don’t believe Obama IS using a forged Birth Certificate. He was born in Hawaii– get used to it.

“Do you actually believe it is appropriate for a man who was raised a Muslim to pretend he is a Christian and go to a church for 20 years with an anti-American preacher?”

A: I don’t believe he WAS indeed raised a Muslim, his mother was not Muslim, and Rev. Wright is just as “un-American” as a multitude of white preachers on the airwaves who talk about the USA being punished for our apparent sins.

“Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president? ”

A: of course not, but that does not accurately describe Obama in the slightest.

“Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo?”

A: You mean as opposed to Nancy Reagan consulting astrologers in the White House? Freedom of religion means she can practice any religion she wants, including “voodoo.”

“Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?”

A: ahhhh, I see the problem here– you are a religious fanatic who sees the Devil lurking in every corner. Seriously– how do you know that Satan isn’t actually working his evil through the GOP, influencing them to destroy America– it would be the perfect cover: wrap yourself in the flag and morals, meanwhile making yourself rich at the expense of poor Americans, start wars whenever you can, and threaten other nations with war at the drop of a hat. That sure doesn’t sound like Jesus, who was not a rich man, and who helped the poor and cured the sick.

June Cleaver 2.0 August 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm

[re=391530]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Especially with that hilarious letter Bush received in August.

AxmxZ August 20, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Guys, don’t mock her – she’s totally serial!!

chascates August 20, 2009 at 2:01 pm

I’m about to post a very serious story about being abducted by aliens and no one better make fun of it. Our nation is in peril of being invaded and I’m the only one that seems to take it seriously.

AxmxZ August 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

[re=391593]Longform[/re]: Not out of the realm of possibility. Someone should Twitter Stephen Fry and ask if his long capable fingers have been in this pie.

LysergicAsset August 20, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=391350]thehelveticascenario[/re]: And I think this may be the best comment thread in recorded history (although now I need to go back and read the original one).

ScubaDew August 20, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Obama hate Americans so much, he wants to give them all health care!

STOP IT BARRY! WHAT DID WE EVER DO TO YOU?!

Woodwards Friend August 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Dear Kirsten,

Eat a dick.

Thanks.

AxmxZ August 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=391639]chascates[/re]: Plz to be including dimensions and vibration frequencies of anal probes thx!

WendyK August 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Do you guys have a mailing address? I’d like to lend her my vibrator.

Lochinvar August 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Kristen eh? starts with a “K” like Karl, I think I smell something, “Kristen” may be Karl Rove’s, or Karl Marx’s, gay female parallel personality. Or maybe that’s just the Voo Doo talking.

Bush was right, Gog and MaGog have taken over, and it’s up to the “Kristen’s” of the world to smite them mightily, with word and deed. At taxpayer expense, the more innocent people slaughtered, the better, because let’s face it, the Republican Party is the party of death. as long as it’s someone else’s death, not their own.

as.the.world.burns August 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

kristin:
it’s over, you lost.
move to alaska, secede, then set up your little cuntry however you like.
make sarah palin your queen. (or beck, or rush, or whomever. i don’t care.)
then, leave us the fuck alone.
respectfully, a.t.w.b.

SlouchingTowardsWasilla August 20, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Ahh, only the best and brightest at Townhall.

Would someone please post or link to a photograph. I feel an urgent need to connect a face to the crazy.

Better American Than You August 20, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Honk if You Love Satin

Werefrog August 20, 2009 at 2:34 pm

According to Wikipedia, townhall.com is owned by Salem Communications. Fitting.

TheUptightMidwesterner August 20, 2009 at 2:34 pm

If GW was sent by God, then that confirms the belief that our God is an angry and vengeful, and probably drunk. Also.

Katydid August 20, 2009 at 2:42 pm

I particularly like the way she wrote the e-mail to Ken, even though Jim posted the original story. Did she think she was going to get Jim in trouble? Typical of conservatve authoritarians, who just love a rigid hierarchy, never stopping to consider that the only thing rigid at Wonkette is….never mind.

She reminds me of all the shitbag dicks at work who, when they need something from you, always send an e-mail to your boss, instead of just walking over to your desk and asking you for whatever it is they need. Why is it these people always turn out to be Republicans?

sezme August 20, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Re: Your second paragraph

Yes; Yes; Yes; Sure, why not?; and I literally have no fucking idea, but I’d like to find out.

Fox n Fiends August 20, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=391701]TheUptightMidwesterner[/re]: Totally. If that fuckwad Bush is the best that God can do then fuck him/her/it.

Rodney Badger August 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm

It seems like Wonkette won another blog war. The original voodoo story is gone now.

Also, what God-Fearing Christina is up at 3:26 a.m.?

nestor August 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm

I’m glad W saved of from the horrors of 911. I always felt that emergency police and fire response in a timely manner was a communist plot. Just like fluoridation.

the problem child August 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm

[re=391494]horned_viper[/re]: “Who is she and why does she have a job? She is a pathological liar and writes at a middling middle school level. Where would this set of qualities be in-demand?” Governor of Facebookland?

as.the.world.burns August 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm

[re=391666]Lochinvar[/re]: Kristen eh? starts with a “K” like Karl, I think I smell something, “Kristen” may be Karl Rove’s, or Karl Marx’s, gay female parallel personality.

i think you’re right. her parents should have spelled it with the word CHRIST.

holier-than-thou wingnut FAIL.

finallyhappy August 20, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Her blog is gone from townhall

genevish August 20, 2009 at 3:00 pm

“Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.”

ellie August 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm

This is the best letter ever!

desertwind August 20, 2009 at 3:01 pm

She’s a performance artist, right?

She and Orly Taitz and Glenn Beck and?

All to be revealed in the next Sacha Baron Cohen epic, “America: Let it all hang out”

flyingspaghettimonster August 20, 2009 at 3:02 pm

THE WONKETTE WINS AGAIN!!!

rmjag August 20, 2009 at 3:02 pm

in the year 2000 , God sent bush to save us from 9/11 , which happenened in 2001 . says it all …

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 3:05 pm

[re=391389]Paul Tardy[/re]: The Left Behind series is the most best-selling fan-fiction EVAR!
However, I do have to say that they jumped the shark with the whole “Second Coming” thing and that their Jesus Christ is the greatest Mary Sue in literary history.

Rodney Badger August 20, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=391736]finallyhappy[/re]: [re=391720]Rodney Badger[/re]:

It’s back now. But less fancy.

lazynamepicker August 20, 2009 at 3:10 pm

My favorite line: “Does anybody take anything seriously anymore?” Yes, Kristen, I take everything you just said very seriously. But first, let me finish getting Elvis his drink…

Pat Pending August 20, 2009 at 3:11 pm

I only sacrifice chickens while coding and debugging. I had no idea it might threaten national security.

roundawaygirl August 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Dear Kristen,

BOOOGALIE BOOOGALIE BOO! (me casting my black people muslim playing christian spell!)

And thank you for pointing out the Mr. Obama is black (we know you can’t trust any of THOSE people).

accbll August 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Wonkette brings another right-wing branch to its knees. kudos!

Crazybroad August 20, 2009 at 3:14 pm

This post has made me realize that I am just not snarky enough to post on Wonkette anymore. Back to secretly lurking and laughing my ass off. I want to marry just about every single one of you. That is all.

rmjag August 20, 2009 at 3:17 pm

[re=391741]rmjag[/re]: meant 2 say that 9/11 happened ANYWAY , in 2001 , after god sent bush in 2000 , to stop the happening of it , and that’s gotta be a big fail . bush is a big loser , even w. god on his side , and all gods money etc . still a failure . kristen must be hurting over that one ….

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=391755]rmjag[/re]: Obama could just be their god’s way of saying “Whoa. Sorry. My bad.”

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Kristen, let’s look. I’m going to take your letter seriously, and assume it’s not a complete hoax (which I’m still suspecting.)

> Why are you people so rude?

Because you are either an idiot or a liar. Idiots need a wakeup call, and sometimes rudeness helps a person wake up. Liars need to be called out on their lies, and with lies as pernicious, blatant, and damaging as yours, we’re beyond the point of being Nice to you.

> Does anybody take anything seriously anymore?

Yes. I take efforts to lie about and smear the family of a sitting legally elected popular President *very* seriously. You are spreading lies, Miss SuperChristian. Doesn’t the Bible say something about “bearing false witness”? You are breaking your own commandments. The Bible, Kristen — it’s not just for waving or pounding anymore.

> Do you really, truly, seriously think it is OK for a president to use a forged birth certificate?

Just because you and your Fellow Wingnuts *want* to believe the President’s birth certificate is forged does *not* make it so. According to the State of Hawaii, the birth certificate is valid. I’m sure you can find other treasonous liars like yourself to make stuff up about this, but it’s still Bearing False Witness.

> Do you actually believe it is appropriate for a man who was raised a Muslim

His mother was, briefly, married to a Muslim man when Barack was, oh, what? 8 or 10 years old? This does *not* make him a Muslim, or even someone who was “raised a Muslim.” If your Mom had briefly married a Jew or a Rastafarian during your childhood, would that make you a Jew or a Rastafarian? Would you say you were “raised a Jew” or “raised a Rastafarian”? Stop listening to, and spreading, heinous lies.

> to pretend he is a Christian and go to a church for 20 years

So … those 2 years when he was a child make it a lead pipe cinch that he’s actually a Muslim, but 20 years in the pews of a Christian church, as an adult, don’t count, somehow? Hearing a few stories from the Koran in his childhood establishes his lifetime religious commitment, but a 20-year church commitment does not? Does that sound logical to you, Kristen, or does it sound like you’re jumping through hoops, twisting facts, because you either *want* to believe something really stupid or you’re committed to spreading a series of lies?

> with an anti-American preacher?

Even those who love America think it sometimes has stuff to answer for. Would you call the prophets Isaiah and Jeremiah anti-Israel because they sometimes (often!) railed against Israel’s faults? Would you call *GOD* anti-Israel because he sometimes railed against Israel’s faults and wanted Israel to be *cleansed* of those faults? In other contexts you would know that what you are saying is stupid, but when it’s an attempt to smear Obama, you either turn your brain off, or you resort to deliberate lies.

> Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university,
to hate America to be our president?

This is another lie, more Bearing False Witness. He doesn’t hate America. He has a different vision of it than you and your idiot Townhall friends. I love America, and I think he will be better for America than any of the liars *you* support.

> Do you think that it is fine if a family member of the president defiles the White House with voodoo?

The White House has been “defiled” by many many things. How about Nancy Reagan’s astrology, for example? But the thing that has *most* “defiled the White House” is sanctimonious narrowminded Whited Sepulchre phony Christianity of the sort practiced by folks like you. If you read the actual words of Jesus in the Book of Matthew you will find that Jesus’ rage was *not* against Satanists or Pagans, but against people who abused the word of God to grab earthly power and money, and to pervert justice and truth, while ignoring the cries of the needy and sick.

> Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?

As far as I’m concerned, your sort of lying counterfeit Christianity is *far* more Satanic than some old woman doing some silly ritual. Since Reagan, your kind of loudmouthed powergrabbing moneygrubbing Christianity has brought far more judgment on this nation than anything any honest pagans or homosexuals could possibly do.

> After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people

You mean “lie to the American people”? Remember the nonexistent WMDs? Remember how he and Cheney scared the American public into abdicating their civil rights against unreasonable searches?

> and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists,

He rescued us from *nothing*. He got 4000 young American servicemen and servicewomen, and probably 100,000 innocent Iraqi citizens, needlessly killed. 9/11 happened on *his* watch, not Clinton’s, not Obama’s. The Clinton administration tried to warn the Bush administration about Bin Laden and Al Qaeda and a plot to fly planes into buildings, but the warnings were ignored.

If anything, the policies of the Bush administration have *increased* the number of terrorists who hate America.

And don’t use the word “Fascist” for anyone else. You don’t know what it means. *YOU* and your other Townhall Pod People are closer to Fascists than any of the people at whom you fling the word, Miss Liar.

> it now boils down to this? How incredibly tragic.

Yes. How tragic when little Christian girls live in some bubble, some echo chamber, filled only with voices that confirm their own prejudices and repeat lies over and over and over until the mentally and intellectually susceptible believe them.

> You folks don’t really seem to understand the extreme peril that our nation confronts.

Oh, I *do* understand the extreme peril confronting our nation. It is engineered by people who think like *you*. Call other people “Fascists” all you want, but … you and your buddies are the true Fascists, the true Hitlerjugend. I love this country. You love self-serving lies told by a corporate-controlled echo chamber that seeks only to hold on to power and money.

> Stop making fun of me.

Gee, Little Miss Journalist. If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you don’t want people making fun of you, why don’t you stop publishing laughable lies under the guise of Journalism? Why don’t you talk to, and even occasionally listen respectfully to, people who don’t share your particular set of batshit crazy delusions?

> Take off your blinders! Wake up!

Back at you. At this point, you are a servant of the Whore of Babylon, that unholy cooperation between Big Money and Big Power and Big Religion. It is *you* who needs to hear the wakeup call. It is *you* who are infected by the Spirit of Deceit foretold by John the Revelator. Time to read Rev 18, especially Rev 18:4:
“Come out of her … that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues.”

You “Neoconservatives”, you phony Christians, are the people who have ruined America, who have exposed her to God’s judgment, with your love of making and spreading lies. Obama’s pastor was speaking as a prophet. America is judged, not for her tolerance of alternate lifestyles or paganism, but for the greed and dishonesty and short-sightedness and power-hunger of you vile creatures who pose as Christians.

Don’t think because you use sweet language and don’t curse or joke that God can’t tell that you are a liar.

God is not mocked.
You mock your God and shame your country with every lie you spread about a basically good but imperfect and ambitious man whom your countrymen and countrywomen legally elected to lead us out of the crime spree perpetrated on us by Reagan and both Bushes.

I would say “respectfully”, but I don’t really mean it.
Neither did you when you said it.
Chalk up another lie for Kristen.

Monsieur Grumpe August 20, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Quitter.

accbll August 20, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Man, Wonkette commenters went off like rabid hyenas on this one. Instant classic!

momus August 20, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Michele is that you?

When I first saw this I thought “Email from the editors,” but I guessed that this would be too much work for them, but then I clicked on “Flag as offensive” and knew it was too much work.

My only question for Michele is: “Is Santeria a Sunni or Shia practice?”

Roll Fish August 20, 2009 at 3:34 pm

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE

Roll Fish August 20, 2009 at 3:35 pm

ugh ew ugh mods please ban iolanthe

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: “Since Reagan, your kind of loudmouthed powergrabbing moneygrubbing Christianity has brought far more judgment on this nation than anything any honest pagans or homosexuals could possibly do.”

Reminds me of what was said to Joe McCarthy after he fell from grace (paraphrased): “Sir, you could not have done more damage to our country had you been born in Moscow.”

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=391777]Roll Fish[/re]: Why? I’m speaking to the girl in a language she’ll understand. I spent years learning it; maybe I went through all that time and all those weird experiences so I could deliver that message.

I’ll be funny again in a few hours.

But it torques me when the greedy small-minded phonies who have *actually* ruined America point their fingers at everyone else.

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=391783]iolanthe[/re]: Bonus points for actually KNOWING what fascism is btw. I might actually support and open and blatantly honest fascist regime rather than buy into the lies of our corporate overlords and their purchased representatives.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=391782]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: True fact. Thanks for “getting” me, and not letting an aversion to Scripture gag you to the point of requesting my ban. Yeah, that post was too earnest, but if “Kristen” is real, so is she. Snark will only seem Demonic to her. I’ve known thousands like her.

HomoSuperior August 20, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: All kinds of WIN!

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=391763]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: That’s my theory.

Odd how any President the Neocons like (e.g. who will continue the status quo and make sure they continue to gouge the rest of us) was “sent by God” (even if he took office through obvious cheating and manipulation, even if he lies to Congress and the people), and any President they *don’t* like was “sent by Satan”.

Liars.
Cheaters.
Pompous asses.
And … *MASSIVE* Drama Queens!

Maybe stuff just *happens* sometimes, eh? Maybe every traffic ticket, Presidential election, lost pair of glasses, etc. is *not* specially orchestrated by the King of the Universe, just to further bolster the power and influence of his Fave Conservatives.

SayItWithWookies August 20, 2009 at 4:05 pm
as.the.world.burns August 20, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: that was brilliant.
no ban for iolanthe ! there were 250 snarky one-liner comments before you (all awesome, btw) so no one needs to complain about a well thought-out reply. you kick ass.

Trace August 20, 2009 at 4:08 pm

Man, I spent most of my childhood as a fundamentalist Christian and I can’t even remember what it was like to actually believe there were “satanic forces” gathering all over the place. It must’ve been pretty weird, since I blocked most of it out.

I do recall that we weren’t allowed to rent certain movies (The Exorcist, Requiem for a Dream) because it would “allow Satan a foothold in our house.” Satan’s always looking for footholds. Dude is coocoo for fuckin’ footholds, man.

And I guess he’s like a vampire, where you have to invite him in, via VHS tape.

Man, I don’t miss VHS. Terrible format.

slappypaddy August 20, 2009 at 4:08 pm

fuck, i missed the party, i was at the dentist.

hey, kristen, wanna see my dents?

respectfilly,
yadda yadda yadda

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=391798]iolanthe[/re]: Crap! Um … I mean, “respectfully” … that should have been i.e (that is).

Not e.g. (example given).

I’ve rapped peoples’ knuckles for far less.
Mea maxima culpa.

Roll Fish August 20, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=391783]iolanthe[/re]: I didn’t even bother reading it, to be honest. I was just a little disgusted that you took so much time to write such an enormous response to that she-troll

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 4:15 pm

[re=391813]Trace[/re]: “actually believe there were “satanic forces” gathering all over the place.”

In some circles that’s known as the First Ammendment. In others, it’s known as schizophrenia.

Kudos on overcoming it!

Red5 August 20, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Dear Kristen,
Suck it.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 4:30 pm

[re=391813]Trace[/re]: Oh, Trace! I feel your pain. After my born-again experience, I landed in a really weird church and subjected my household, including two young sons, to that crap.

(Also non-snarky and long. I *will* settle down soon, I promise. Just don’t read on if you’re squicked by my style or strong feelings on this matter, ‘K?)

After seven years in that place, after I had become an elder and had been told that I had the gift of Discernment of Spirits, I contracted some horrible pneumonia-like illness that lingered for months and months. I nearly died. Everyone in the church attributed it to some horrible demon possession, so they came into my house to check out, “vet”, and censor all my things.

We had “blood of Jesus” written in red ink on all our doorjambs at the pastor’s suggestion. I had to have my red stove exorcised because one of the deacons in my church thought he saw a Satanic face in the burner handles (I am serious!). I had to throw away my candles, most of my library, most of my art prints, most of my record collection (including a great deal of instrumental Classical), because of those “footholds of Satan” you mention.

The church believed that my cat brought Demons home with her. They told me to have her killed, etc. etc. It was never ending, a damned (I mean “respectful”) orgy of constant fear. My breathing got worse and worse. The more these people prayed over me, the more “Spiritual Warfare” in which they indulged, the sicker I got.

Until one morning I awoke at about 3AM and, half-dreaming, heard a dream voice say, “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind.” That’s Scripture.

Then the dream voice said “Come out of her!”, just as I recently quoted to Kristen.

So I took my family and left that church and immediately began to heal. For awhile, I attended some other less-extreme churches; now my church is the desert or the mountains or the beach and camping and gardening and eating and cooking and caring for the plants, animals, and people in my life.

Oddly, I still love Scripture. As much of it, or more of it, weighs in *against* that crap as supports it.

The Kristens of this world are in bondage to an evil counterfeit church that has made an idol of American Nationalism and Exceptionalism and Greed, and worships *THAT*. It has nothing whatsoever to do with anything Jesus ever was reported to have said. It is a fully human creation, existing only to scare the weak-minded into compliance to anything a recognized Leader says.

Real freedom is wonderful.
Those guys don’t actually offer it, and every time they use the word “Freedom”, it’s a blasphemy against the actual concept.

Fuck those Fearwhores sideways.
With all due respect.

And maybe I *do* have Discernment of Spirits, only now I call it my Bullshit Alarm. These poor pawns of the right wing need to get a Bullshit Alarm, too.

(Now I really *will* try to Keep It Snarky: “Everything I do gon’ be Snarky … from now on!” ;->)

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 4:32 pm

[re=391817]Roll Fish[/re]: If she’s sincere, well … she doesn’t know many people, or go many places, where she hears anything but an echo of her own fear-ridden thoughts. About time she heard some other perspectives.

bureaucrap August 20, 2009 at 4:35 pm

This Month, the Satanic Forces will be meeting at the Muskegom, WI, “Fox and Hounds” (Rt. 27 at Menominee Blvd., just past the Friendly’s) at 12 noon for its monthly Luncheon, Judas Beezlebub, CPA, will be talking to us about “Retirement Savings for the Apocalypse: Three things You Need to Know”. We will also be talking about our Fall Black Tie Social, and our trip to DC to meet other Satanic Forces locals and hover over the White House, scheduled for September. The entree will be Chicken Marsala — a Vegetarian entree will also be available. Please RSVP No later than August 27th.

problemwithcaring August 20, 2009 at 4:36 pm

So was Mary Todd Lincoln a secret communist Muslin?

This is the greatest piece of performance art to ever hit the internet.

meg9 August 20, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Oh, Kristen. Where would we even begin to respond to this? Bush was sent to us by god to protect us from the horrors of 9/11—–which happened (wait for it) while he was president. Sigh.

as.the.world.burns August 20, 2009 at 4:38 pm

[re=391841]iolanthe[/re]: you don’t need to apologize for anything. your point-by-point rebuttal was so well-stated and so, so true. i’m copying your original post and sending it in an email to my friends and fam…..it needs to be repeated.
awesomeness.

slappypaddy August 20, 2009 at 4:45 pm

[re=391841]iolanthe[/re]: “The church believed that my cat brought Demons home with her.”

ain’t that the shit, iolanthe? all my cats do that. then they play with ‘em in my closet and leave pieces of ‘em in my shoes, or they leave scattered and always cold and squishy pieces of ‘em on the bathroom floor so when i get up in the morning and it’s dark and i’m taking that first really needed piss, well…

so what i’m saying is, kristen, can your god send me a preznint who will protect me from these cats? cuzz i’m at a loss. i’ve read all the bible backwards and forwards six hundred and sixty-six times (if you read it backwards, you can hear saint peter saying, “turn me on, dead man”) and i can’t find the magic prayer formula that will protect me from the extreme peril i confront daily from these islamo-fascist cats.

kristen, are you paying attention? open up your very serious christian heart, sister, and save me from the satanic forces gathering over my house (which is not white, but rather sort of a brownish thing, but still…).

aleks August 20, 2009 at 4:46 pm

The thought patterns fit, but the writing itself is suspiciously unincompetent for a Town Haller.

aaawyeah August 20, 2009 at 4:48 pm

w.o.w. mocking this monumentally insane person is too easy. her complete earnestness as she simultaneously spouts the most effing ridiculous fecal matter is almost endearing. i mean seriously this has to be a joke, right? seriously?!

Godot August 20, 2009 at 4:51 pm

[re=391841]iolanthe[/re]: “I had become an elder and had been told that I had the gift of Discernment of Spirits”.

Discernment of Spirits is pretty cool, but when I got to level 13 I went with Prismatic Burst instead.

Dreadful Gate August 20, 2009 at 4:52 pm

OK, Kristen, open up. Now just let me rest my balls on your chin for a minute…

Anarchitect August 20, 2009 at 4:56 pm

[re=391841]iolanthe[/re]: /end snark> That’s a beautiful story, brilliant rebuttal, and that you have been rescued from the clutches of the Satan fearmongers makes it all the more poignant.

<snark

The Townhall.com editors should take note, or they too will be the laughingstock of Twitter. Be forewarned!

If GW Bush was sent by God, then we need more communist satanist muslins to repair the damage quick!

Anita Cocktail August 20, 2009 at 4:57 pm

[re=391307]StephanieInDC[/re]: oh sure, now that she’s had hers, she doesn’t want the poorz to have them.

teebob2000 August 20, 2009 at 4:59 pm

[re=391841]iolanthe: now I call it my Bullshit Alarm[/re]

For the win!

Tengrain August 20, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Kristin -

If God sent us Chimpy, his only begotten chimp, to lead us from the wilderness for 8 fucking years, then I think we are home free at last! We’ve been punished already! Yay!

Regards,

Tengrain

Ducksworthy August 20, 2009 at 5:07 pm

[re=391440]facehead[/re]: Shhh! Don’t give her away.

house of the blue lights August 20, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=391369]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: It’ll be okay as long as you don’t cross the beams.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=391867]Godot[/re]: FTW! I wish *I* had Prismatic Burst! Maybe if I’d stayed in longer …

osama bin drinkin August 20, 2009 at 5:22 pm

If it is definitively established that this isn’t a hoax, I seriously think we in the mean Truck Nutz community should consider going on one of those 4-chan /b/ lulz-style internet crowdstompings. Just hound ‘kristin’ for a few months in the web. She’s already established that, unlike most of the nuts we goof with, she is willing to write back and get herself more enmeshed in the tar baby of sarcasm. Who’s with me? WARBLOG!

jammer5 August 20, 2009 at 5:23 pm

So, this is actually a comedy site? I’m seriously impressed. What next? You gonna claim the White House has death panels? Oh, wait! You already think that. And here you think man didn’t evolve from monkeys. Mirror, babe, mirror.

Bronkers August 20, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: Ma’am, yours is a wonderful analysis and dissection of Kristen’s lamentable screed, and your arguments are thoughtful and grounded in history and literature. As [re=391850]as.the.world.burns[/re] said, your post bears repeating. You’ve done a truly fine, fine job. I’m an atheist, but that does not mean that The Scriptures are not a valuable source of philosophy, history, and guidance. Glad you found yourself a better path after your serious health trials.

Snark is fun, and we enjoy the wit here. But we also need the wisdom, and you hit this one out of the park.

Well done. Thank you most sincerely.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=391860]aleks[/re]: I’d thought that, too. Too coherent, spelled too well. But there are a lot of little Monica Goodlings out there.

And, twist on the twist, if anyone on *our* side had written this, they’d have felt honor-bound to insert some howler misspellings; a little “rederick” something about things being “in sink”, maybe a reference to Hitler’s propaganda minister Joseph Gerbils. Something like that. We couldn’t resist it.

So, although it’s about a 50/50 chance, I’m thinking this is a real earnest little RW lassie who went to a much-better-than-average Christian school, or was schooled by parents who, though insane, were masters of spelling and grammar.

janejax August 20, 2009 at 5:29 pm

BUWAHAHAHA!!!!!! Best letter to the editor EVER!

NJB August 20, 2009 at 5:32 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: Damn, I need a cigarette.

Slow Fish August 20, 2009 at 5:45 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: This is wonderful. I might have to send this to my mother-in-law, who might be Kristen.

taylormattd August 20, 2009 at 5:49 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: Too long. Exhausting.

Jim89048 August 20, 2009 at 5:50 pm

[re=391947]iolanthe[/re]: MY winger church was better than yours, in that it only allowed the (obviously) superior men to ascend to elder status.

ZombieRichardFeynman August 20, 2009 at 5:53 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: I am in awe; both of your excellent posts and that you were able to extricate yourself from that swamp.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 5:56 pm

[re=391859]slappypaddy[/re]:

I *really* hate it when the demons aren’t quite dead, and escape. Then they sit up on the curtain rods for days until eventually they succumb to thirst and fatigue.

Sad and, as you point out, so very messy.

Brendan M. August 20, 2009 at 5:58 pm

She is the greatest snarker ever. Glenn Beck is a distant second.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 6:07 pm

[re=391976]Jim89048[/re]: We were co-pastored by a Pastor and a Pastorina, who also taught marital counseling classes that said oral sex was A-OK, and women were allowed to lead … within reason, as long as they were under the Holy Covering of a male partner or mentor (check out Bill Gothard seminars for more on Discipleship & Covering)

And we sang and danced and played electric guitars and drums during worship, ’cause we were recreating the Tabernacle of David. So in a few senses, we were Mad Liberal.

But not when it came to Things Satanic. Oh no.

BTW, this church was doctrinally very very closely related to Sarah Palin’s; both offshoots of Assemblies of God, the only slightly more mainstream denomination with which we had friendly ties. (As shorthand, I often tell people we were the same denomination as Sarah’s church. Close enough. She’d be familiar with our customs, and we with hers.)

We’d magnanimously forgive Sarah’s Church and the AoG for not realizing that *WE* were the True Body of Christ (all 300 of us), not Them. We also had foreign exorcists come in to play the accordion and perform exorcisms and drop various aggrandizing prophecies about God’s Big Plans for folks from time to time. Great fun! There’s no Performance Art like a good exorcism or prophecy, I tell you what.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=391974]taylormattd[/re]: Too bad about your attention span, buddy. How do you manage with books?

LysergicAsset August 20, 2009 at 6:14 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: Your original exegesis/response to Kirsten is a thing of great beauty. Absolutely outstanding – this response deserves its own post!

Mangodash August 20, 2009 at 6:18 pm

You don’t like him? Too bad. He’s already the president.

Mr. Spanky August 20, 2009 at 6:28 pm

This is too easy – snarking Kirsten is like shooting fish in a barrel.

I work with a whole office full of people that think W was an agent of Jesus and Hopey is the pure embodiment of the devil.

Is there not a more sophisticated right-wing lunatic challenging us godless liberals in your “Shit For Brains” in box?

I want a challenge!

ZombieRichardFeynman August 20, 2009 at 6:30 pm

[re=391604]The Cold Sea[/re]: Her address worked for me yesterday. I got a reply “Gosh, why are you so hateful?” When I sent her this:
“Great, keep pushing this one. Makes all you wingnuts look even wingnuttier, if that’s possible. Y’all have overplayed your hand with all the “healthcare reform is a Nazi plot” etc. And when one of your overcompensating gun-totin’ schmucks kills somebody at a town hall rally did you ever stop to consider that the rest of America might not think that’s a really patriotic act?”
I still think its very likely she’s punking us.

biggiantannoyingthing August 20, 2009 at 6:32 pm

[re=391841]iolanthe[/re]:

Wow. It’s incredible to get an “insider’s view” of this crazy. Good for you for escaping that!

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 6:36 pm

[re=392004]Mr. Spanky[/re]: I suppose I can understand it re W, what with his charmingly stupid open expression, but I can’t figure out how these folks can look at the faces and expressions of Dick Cheney, Liz Cheney, Karl Rove, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Sarah Palin, Dick Armey, Tom DeLay, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill Kristol, etc. etc., and think, “Behold these sweet spirits of righteousness! Surely these are the servants of the Living God!”

Barrelhse August 20, 2009 at 6:47 pm

[re=391579]NJB[/re]: NJB- I like it! It has a certain..je ne sais quoi…

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 6:47 pm

[re=391988]iolanthe[/re]: This is why I’m superstitious. I “believe” spirits (ie. delusions/ hallucinations or any natural phenomena not-otherwise-specified) are nothing more than franchises of the overall God meme. I mean, how else do you explain the “divine” voices these pastors hear as ALL being the same god?

That’s why I don’t buy into any of it.

Believe me, I had to lose religion to gain peace of mind, too.

wallythepug August 20, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Let’s see, Michelle Obama’s mother was a stay-at-home mom who was strict with her children (1 hour of television daily) and both of her children went to Ivy League colleges and successful careers? Of COURSE she practices voodoo…all the PTA moms are doing it.

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 6:49 pm

[re=392010]iolanthe[/re]: Totally. Not to get all quoty, but that reminds me of the whole “by their fruits shall you know them” schtick; and trust me, there are some pretty fruity characters in that lineup.

Neoyorquino August 20, 2009 at 6:50 pm

[re=391764]iolanthe[/re]: Thaaaaaannnnnnnnnnkkkkkk you. You took my rage and frustration, set aside the snark, and point-by-point you schooled Miss Thing. And with scripture references. Bravo.

Neoyorquino August 20, 2009 at 7:04 pm

BTW, I checked the Townhall link, and the article is no longer there.

cashaholic August 20, 2009 at 7:08 pm

What’s really disturbing is that so many of us answered every one of her rhetorical questions in the affirmative.

SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild August 20, 2009 at 7:15 pm

Hold the fucking phone! GWB was sent by God to “lead us out of the horrors of 9/11″? Um, didn’t he get elected BEFORE 9/11?? How much did Kristen know and when did she know it??!?

I demand that Janet Napolitano detain Kristen, Bush, and this “God” person immediately as terror suspects.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 7:15 pm

[re=392033]cashaholic[/re]: And she will report back that we are serious, and *do* hate America. These folks are sarcasm-impaired in the extreme.

When it’s more of a “hate the sin, love the sinner” thing.

SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild August 20, 2009 at 7:25 pm

[re=392030]Neoyorquino[/re]: It’s still there. You just have to scroll waaaaay down. Like most RW websites, it’s very poorly designed and not user friendly.

GreatOldOnesParty August 20, 2009 at 7:26 pm

[re=392038]iolanthe[/re]: An elucidation on the forms of sarcasm (SARC) from Tom Wolfe’s “I Am Charlotte Simmons” (note, SARC scale goes up to IV):

“That’s not Sarc Three, Bev, that’s only Sarc Two. I mean, it’s almost as obvious as Sarc One… Sarc One is when I look at you, and I say, ‘Ohmy-god, a cerise shirt. Cerise is such an in color this year.’ That’s just ordinary intentionally obvious sarcasm. Okay? … in Sarc Two you say the same thing, only in a sympathetic voice that sounds totally sincere. ‘Oh, wow, Bev, I love that color. Cerise. That’s like so-o-o-o cool.’”

SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild August 20, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Never mind, it’s not there anymore.

nappyduggs August 20, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Dear Kristen:
I can smell your cunt. And you are a tard.

Heart you!
Hannibal Lecter

kersy August 20, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Total flame bait. Good work, Kristin! You were a tad too obvious in your trolling, but it was great nonetheless. I applaud you.

doxastic August 20, 2009 at 7:54 pm

If this false thing were true, wouldn’t that be terrible? –is an awesome argument form. “Why do you think it’s OK to fuck goats? Can you really stand idly by while we become a nation of goat fuckers?”

zhubajie August 20, 2009 at 7:56 pm

“Don’t you know what fate could befall our nation as a result of allowing Satanic forces to gather over the White House?”

Yes, we just had 8 years of Satanism, and it’s given us 2 lost wars and economic collapse. Civil war next, I suspect.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie August 20, 2009 at 8:03 pm

“After 8 years of a president sent by God to lead the American people and rescue us from the horrors of 911 and Islamo-fascists, it now boils down to this?”

Which god? Loki?

doxastic August 20, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=391436]Larry McAwful[/re]: Stay in academe! Even when you’re a member of the professoriate, you can shirk the fuck out of work.

doxastic August 20, 2009 at 8:11 pm

Do you really want a president who was brainwashed by communists since he was a child, up through university, to hate America to be our president?

Would that he were, my love.

Richard Gozinya August 20, 2009 at 8:13 pm

Yes, but how does Kristen feel about surprise buttsecks?

Aurelio August 20, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Kristen, you gotta get your mind right. Take some LSD and eat some watermelon and you, too, will love Barack Obama.

Marlowe August 20, 2009 at 8:33 pm

[re=391531]dougbob[/re]: You’ve got it right Doug.

As for “Michelle Obama’s mother Marian Robinson has been practicing Satanic witchcraft — or “witchcraft mumbo-jumbo,” as Barack Obama calls it — ”

is it true that conservatives now refer to Air Force One as the mumbo-jumbo?

Keram2 August 20, 2009 at 8:37 pm

Oh please oh please oh please un-redact that e-mail address. It’s time to WARBLOG!

Marlowe August 20, 2009 at 8:43 pm

And now I’ve tried revisiting the link to Kristen, my love, but it is dead.
Don’t tell me she went before the death boards, and like the Star Trek episode, was aged to her death.

LindsayBluth August 20, 2009 at 8:45 pm

This Kristen person has completed the difficult achievement of crossing over the line from misinformed, ignorant hate monger to endearingly adorable, brain-injured pet clown. I can’t help but feel warm affection watching her flail and drool and wet herself!

S.Luggo August 20, 2009 at 8:47 pm

[re=392069]Richard Gozinya[/re]: Might be okay so long as the video was shot using tasteful lighting and a limited first release.

Venue: The Crystal Cathedral, by invitation only. Rush has reserved the first three rows.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 8:48 pm

[re=392067]doxastic[/re]: Doesn’t this piss you off, the way this careful crowd-pleasin’ pussy of a Centrist is regularly characterized by his political foes as some kind of Screaming Marxist?

I mean, I *like* the guy, but … he isn’t nearly Lefty enough to undo somewhere between 8 and 30 years of damage at the hands of Republicans.

ivenson August 20, 2009 at 8:49 pm

[re=391341]hobospacejunkie[/re]: wish I was in Tijuana…eating barbecued iguana…..

ivenson August 20, 2009 at 8:58 pm

[re=391574]Neilist[/re: Well done, good sir. Neilist for mayor, says I.

SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild August 20, 2009 at 9:11 pm

[re=392088]iolanthe[/re]: Overton’s Window. The farther right the Dems go, the farther right the right is.

Brendan M. August 20, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=392063]zhubajie[/re]: I despise the whole “win” thing, but I do really like that zinger.

MayorMcCheese August 20, 2009 at 9:19 pm

why the hell do any of us get out of bed in the morning? obviously there’s no hope for the future. with people like kristen out there in america, i don’t know what the point is anymore. i felt like we did some good back last november, but now i think we just made the forces of stupidity stronger. i am defeated.

doloras August 20, 2009 at 9:23 pm

[re=392088]iolanthe[/re]: And if he [b]was[/b] lefty enough, you’d have a military coup on your hands rather than town halls of screaming loonies.

ThatMellowFellowO August 20, 2009 at 9:33 pm

I gotta in on this…it’s just too good. May Gd and the who forgive me…

Meet the new Taitz, same as the old Taitz…;)

Decker August 20, 2009 at 9:35 pm

Did the godless astrology in Reagan’s White House not upset Kristen? Maybe she was just too scandalized by Ronnie’s scat play to notice.

iolanthe August 20, 2009 at 10:08 pm

[re=392105]doloras[/re]: I’m worried we’re going to get a military coup anyway. Young people who join the military (a) often aren’t given to, or encouraged to exercise, critical thinking, and (b) live in a worse information vacuum than even Redstaters or Townhallers.

BMK August 20, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Somebody forgot to veneer this dining table.

brianbull1 August 20, 2009 at 10:54 pm

Um ,so let me get this straight ,Obama ia a Communist Muslim Facist?
Wow! dictionary.com Here Kristen ,this is your friend ,start by looking up the word contradiction.

d4g33z August 21, 2009 at 3:27 am

And thus, the post-modern era has ‘shot its bolt.’

Seriously.

Boojum August 21, 2009 at 5:36 am

[re=391815]iolanthe[/re]: i.e = id est. e.g. = ex generis. Just sayin’.

My fav is the baby seal bashing and ridiculing. I like me some baby seal bashing. Stupid baby seals.

oceanclub August 21, 2009 at 5:55 am

Wait, Bush is _Jeebus_? This has huge theological implications. Either he is Jesus returned to fulfil Christianity scripture, or he is in fact the _first_ Messiah, thereby fulfilling Jewish scripture! My mind is reeling. Or maybe that’s just the glue I’m sniffing.

aleks August 21, 2009 at 6:12 am

[re=391947]iolanthe[/re]: I will hold friends with you, lady.

anothercountryheardfrom August 21, 2009 at 7:07 am

I love this woman and think you should invite her to be a special contributor to Wonkette (“special” as in Olympics). Kristen for editor!

NJB August 21, 2009 at 8:08 am

[re=392013]Barrelhse[/re]: I tried to inject a little “joi de vivre’ in there too while I was at it.

iolanthe August 21, 2009 at 8:20 am

[re=392126]iolanthe[/re]: As for “military coup”, friends in the service (yeah, I still know young people … music biz thang …) tell me that Fox News is left on in all kinds of rec rooms, gyms, game rooms, lounges, etc. all the time. It is, for a lot of these impressionable young folks, the only source of “news from home” they get.

Hell, I’ve been trying to get them to turn it off at *my* gym. I go there to relax, and have to face a phalanx of TVs turned to Fox every time I use the treadmills or bikes. Not good for my blood pressure.

iolanthe August 21, 2009 at 8:22 am

Sigh.

The crap that’s going on in the US right now is so weird that if you encountered it in a Philip K. Dick novel you’d think, “Naw. Too far-fetched. That’d never happen.” Has there ever been a more sinister Orwellian catchphrase than “Fair and Balanced”, for what Fox does?

Manos: Hands of Fate August 21, 2009 at 8:32 am

Yes, yes and for a final time YES!!!

GreatOldOnesParty August 21, 2009 at 1:21 pm

[re=392208]iolanthe[/re]: The scary thing is that I distinctly remember that same slogan as being the tagline of a state-run newspaper. Unfortunately I forgot what it was.

TJBeck August 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm

For posterity (thanks Google cache!)

Witchcraft in the White House
Posted by Kristen Atkinson on Saturday, August 15, 2009 4:11:43 PM

The Obama White House is abuzz with talk of witchcraft by first grandmother, 72-year-old Marian Robinson, who lives in the White House residence. A close friend of Michelle Obama says the president is furious at his mother-in-law after learning that she was practicing Santeria, an African spirit cult, in the White House.

“The president is quite upset about this on two different levels. First, he is a committed Christian, no matter what his critics say about Reverend Wright. He is adamant that Sasha and Malia be raised with Christian influences. He does not want them to be involved with African voodoo. And secondly, he is worried about the political fallout if his enemies get wind of this. Rev. Wright was bad enough, but this would be political suicide,” a close friend of Michelle’s confided.

Religion took center stage during the campaign last year when videos showed the Rev. Jeremiah Wright shouting “God damn America.” Obama was forced to distance himself from the since-retired pastor at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago, where he worshiped for 20 years. Many people were shocked by the videos and questioned Obama’s fitness to be president. Since taking office, Obama has avoided worshiping in public and now prefers the chapel at the presidential retreat at Camp David.

This is how it happened. Marian Robinson became increasingly frustrated as her husband, Fraser Robinson, was hobbled by multiple sclerosis in the late 1980s. The family pastor prayed with her and counseled her, but “she turned to Santeria in a desperate hope,” Michelle’s friend said. “Michelle put her foot down when she heard that her mother took her dad to ceremonies where they did spells and trances, and sacrificed animals, chickens and goats I think. But Marian was desperate and kept going anyway, even when her husband was to sick to go with her. I don’t think the president knew anything about this earlier because it was before they met. Michelle and Craig (her brother) wanted to close the book on this and never talked about it again after their father died in 1991.”

The first grandma appears to be worried about her health now, even though doctors pronounce her in good shape. “Marian invited an old friend from Chicago to visit her at the White House, and she performed a Santeria ceremony in the residence. When Michelle saw this woman, a voodoo priestess she recognized her from when her father was sick, she had a fit. When she told the president about it, he blew up and said, ‘No voodoo in the White House. Absolutely. I don’t care what you call it.’ As far as I know, it only happened once,” the friend said.

The president was “totally in favor” when his mother-in-law moved into the White House as a live-in babysitter for 11-year-old Malia and 8-year-old Sasha. Obama reportedly told Michelle that her mother will have to go back to Chicago if she does not “stop this witchcraft mumbo-jumbo immediately” and ordered the Secret Service to not allow Marian’s friend to return to the White House.

Atheist Nun August 21, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Dearest Kristen Atkinson;

Please review the comments above at your leisure. This is what happens when you step to Wonkette, you fascist, attention whore bitch.

Thanks,
Atheist Nun

P.S. There is no god. (Just thought you should know.)

Marlowe August 21, 2009 at 9:35 pm

[re=392714]Atheist Nun[/re]:
I emailed Kristen your comment and here is her response:

Uhhhh, what’s your point?

—– Original Message —–
From: “Phillip Marlowe”
To: kristenatkinson@illinois.usa.com
Subject: TownHall
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 2009 17:04:31 -0700 (PDT)

I liked this response to your complaint about Wonkette:

godforbidowright August 22, 2009 at 8:31 am

Is this person for real? If so, then any good doctor would reccomend the following steps:

- lay off the 40 cans of dr pepper a day
- stop eating those 3-month-old chips & dips you found at the back of the refrigerator.
- don’t talk to the aligators in your bath tub (they whisper bad thoughts to you)

p.s. those Sasha and Malia beanie baby ‘things’ don’t count as voodoo dolls – they are wayyyy freakier than that!

kudzu August 23, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Oh, Kristen, honey… Seriously? What the fuck are you smoking? Can I have some? That shit must be good.

Dailyfare August 24, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Are there any Islamic-Communist countries? How would THAT work?

It’s a puzzle.

Yep. I think thorazine is DEFINITELY in order.

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