RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  11:50 am August 21, 2009

William Wallace (Mel Gibson) Will Eat Your Intestines, For Daring To Criticize Scotland

by Riley Waggaman

  • Whether he was clearing brush at his ranch or choking on a pretzel, George Bush was known to sport his silkiest ascot, his most posh plaid cummerbund. Say what you will, but the man was a snappy dresser. And Barack Obama? He prefers “Islamo-fascist business casual.” [Think Progress]
  • This is a story about compassion, a story about reaching out, and helping a stranger in need. This is a story about a Californian squirrel, who received the best neurosurgery Californian IOUs could buy. [True/Slant: Matthew Fleischer]
  • David Sedaris recalls all the delicious opiate cocktails he was given, for free (!), when he lived in Paris. [AMERICAblog]
  • Mr. President: Coddling NASCAR drivers won’t change the fact that you are Adolf Hitler. [The Caucus]
  • Your average Scotsman clocks in at about 6’9, weighs 350 pounds, has a beard on every part of his body, carries a fucking dagger in his sock — a “dirk” — and basically doesn’t take shit, from anybody. After all, Scotland’s national sport is “Who can throw this log the farthest?” (In the winter it’s “Who can push this rock real good, with a broom?”) But the real magic of Scotland is that it’s also a sensitive, tender country. And the Weekly Standard just can’t handle that. [Weekly Standard]
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widget09 August 21, 2009 at 11:53 am

Lighten up there mad max. How can you not criticize men who wear dresses (kilts).

Jim89048 August 21, 2009 at 11:58 am

Hopey’s just trying to get that black dude admitted to the NASCAR hall of fame.

Norbert August 21, 2009 at 11:59 am

If only Obama had said he wanted to extend Medicare to pets, he’d have a bill he could sign by now.

rachelv August 21, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Try pushing the rock “with a broom” and see how long you last in curling.

finallyhappy August 21, 2009 at 12:01 pm

I’d let a sick squirrel die- plus maybe it had rabies- and I am a vegetarian. There are always stories in the paper about stupid people who pick up a “tired” or “acting strange” bat/baby racoon/squirrel. It always has rabies and the idiot and sometimes their pathetic family members have to get rabies shots(lucky for them it is no longer the many shots in the stomach -although maybe that pain would get rid of the stupidness)

Humpback August 21, 2009 at 12:06 pm

‘Taint a log the Scots toss, wee Riley. The caber is the size of a telephone pole. Now stand back lest you get hurt.

Rodney Badger August 21, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Scottish people have short arms, eat only fried food and confuse American persons with Irish persons. This is why Health Care Reform is failing.

mephistopheles jefferson August 21, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Get tae fuck, Weekly Standard. Ah’ve had enoof a’ yer whingin’, an’ couldn’t give an Owsley wot yer shite rag has tae say.


Lascauxcaveman August 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Scotland has always been a land of poets.

Really fukkin’ badass, kick ya in th’ balls poets.

[re=392404]rachelv[/re]: Exactly. I’m hoping young Riley was just being funny there.

SayItWithWookies August 21, 2009 at 12:21 pm

And when Migrahi was released, he wasn’t wearing a tie either.

WadISay August 21, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Obama was going to sponsor a NASCAR car during the campaign, but decided to sponsor a ballet troupe instead.

Holding Out for a Hero August 21, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Hmmm…..Scotland invented golf, Barry Sorento Hitler Obama plays golf. A connection, I think so!

HEY KRISTEN – I’ve got your next story here. I think you need to put those crack reporting skills to use.

Tommmcatt August 21, 2009 at 12:44 pm

Anyone who thinks that Scotsmen are tough guys has never sat with a drunken Scot while he wept over the wee dug he ha’ as a bairn.

Don’t get me wrong, if you piss them off they’ll beat you until you die, but it will haunt them, afterward, until they do. God love them, they may be maniacs, but they are good-hearted, sensitive maniacs for all that.

Sussemilch August 21, 2009 at 12:45 pm

My son is named William Wallace. He’s also 6’2″ 240 and 12 years old. True story. I’m thinkin’ if the cabre toss goes olympic in 2018 he’s got a good shot.

Bronkers August 21, 2009 at 12:55 pm

I like the Scots a LOT, but the “compassionate release” of Abdel Basset al-Megrahi, the only convicted Lockerbie terrorist, angers me greatly. The British toadying to Libya is appalling. No snark here; I knew really wonderful, good people who died on PanAm 103 on December 21, 1988. Godalmighty what a sad, sad Christmas holiday season that was….

That was a horrifying terrorist attack, and this release was an indefensible act that insults the families and memories of the victims as well as the United States; 189 of the 270 victims were Americans.

Crow T. Robot August 21, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Just to say: the Santaland Diaries are Double Plus Good. & you may quote me.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 21, 2009 at 1:07 pm

I can’t say that I particularly care for Scotland’s decision to release this man either.

Tommmcatt August 21, 2009 at 1:08 pm


I get what you are saying, but the only way to defeat terrorism is ultimately to show the world that our way of living is better than theirs. As awful as it feels, this includes being compassionate when the recipient of that compassion had no regard for the lives or feelings of others. The measure of a society is in how we treat those over which we have power, and greatness comes finally in kindness.

This guy doesn’t deserve kindness, or to die in dignity, but it is very important in the final analysis that we allow him both.

Sorry for the lack of snark, y’all.

teebob2000 August 21, 2009 at 1:09 pm

AHHHHHH!!!! My eyes!!! I caught the gayz from that website!!! Why don’t you warn a person there’s man-cuddling ahead, huh??

Fuck, now I need a perky and redolent (yet evasive!) chablis to calm me down. Who’s got the poppers?

teebob2000 August 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=392459]Bronkers[/re]: Buzzkill

New Wave Phlebotomist August 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm

[re=392464]Crow T. Robot[/re]: “Dinah the Christmas Whore” from Holidays on Ice was the first thing of his I read, and I was HOOOKED!

KilgoreTrout_XL August 21, 2009 at 1:15 pm

[re=392465]KilgoreTrout_XL[/re]: i.e. It’s _fucking_ retarded. There’s not much Edmond Dantès-style gray area here.

No, I say FUCK this guy. Let the motherfucker die in a fucking cage.

CorkPopper August 21, 2009 at 1:15 pm

If those people in LA really wanted to reach out, in compassion, to that squirrel, they’d have done it forcefully with the back of a shovel and put the poor thing out of its misery.

DangerousLiberal August 21, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=392459]Bronkers[/re]: No shit. The Scots have me at Cheney-esque, code Red pissed off right now. I am not kidding that the United States should start cracking down on Scotland–direct flights from the U.S. to Glasgow? No more, ye Scots Assholes.

KilgoreTrout_XL August 21, 2009 at 1:22 pm


That all being said I am imminently sensitive to the rubric of sovereignty and am pleased that the president’s saber-rattling wasn’t nearly as cavalier and annoying as a previous administration’s probably would have been.

But come on. I’m a liberal, but fuck-all I AM NOT too much into being nice to mass-fucking-murderers.

Native of SL UT August 21, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Instead of saving that squirrel, they should have called Mike Huckabee and seen if he had a good recipe for it.

dave666 August 21, 2009 at 1:30 pm

I’ll be pissed off if he doesn’t really die soon, but contrary to reports this “compassionate release” or an equivalent is done quite regulaly in the US too. Often with terminal cancer patients or ones with the last stages of AIDS. More to save money or hassle on treatment than real compassion

Neilist August 21, 2009 at 1:31 pm

That Scotland thing reminds me of the standup bit by Rhod Gilbert, the Welsh comedian (now, THERE’s a self-cancelling concept) about the terrorists who tried to blow up Glasgow International Airport (another self-cancelling concept there as well, come to think of it).

One of the perps jumps out of his car bomb, on fire, and starts running through the airport in flames. A bystander is about to help him, when one of the Scottish cops on duty utters the deadless line: “Nay, let the Fooker BURN!”

Then another one of the locals Rugby tackles the human torch, knocking him ass over tea kettle.

Tough people, the Scots. But hard to chose between them and the Ghurkas in terms of covering your flank in a fight. In this instance, I think they made a mistake, but its their mistake to make.

Bronkers August 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm

[re=392483]DangerousLiberal[/re]: I just can’t be snarky about this. A man I knew as a kid from high school back in the 1960s, from one of the most prominent (and philanthropic) families in the town, and a truly nice kid back then and an admirable adult – murdered. One of the finest attorneys from a law department in which I’d worked, ethical, moral, good family man, lots of charitable works, admired sincerely by all – murdered. Read this list of people traveling for the Christmas holidays, and it is for them and to their still grieving and freshly outraged families that I offer my support.

To mass murderers: no compassion from me. And they’re celebrating in Libya….

snideinplainsight August 21, 2009 at 1:47 pm

we hae three sizes – wee, na so wee, and FREAKIN HUGE!!!

PeteJayhawk v2.0 August 21, 2009 at 1:52 pm

I don’t like the fact he was released either…but what the fuck exactly does Rachel Abrams suggest we do about it? Bomb Edinburgh?

the problem child August 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm

It may feel rotten now that Megrahi is being released. It may have felt like a relief when he was convicted. But the fairness of that conviction has long be questioned in Scotland. Evidence being withheld on “security grounds” sound familiar? If he was guilty, he certainly was no ringleader in the plot. If he was, he’s dying anyway.

Paul Tardy August 21, 2009 at 2:05 pm

POTUS is honoring NASCAR drivers? For what they don’t work for the goverment.

Sick Puppy August 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm

[re=392494]Neilist[/re]: Like, OMG, I agree with Neilist. I need alcohol.

Terry August 21, 2009 at 2:37 pm


Ain’t that the truth. They switch from maudlin crying to gleeful brain bashing in milliseconds. Easily diverted from either activity, though, by the offer of drink or fried food.

Neilist August 21, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=392530]Sick Puppy[/re]: Pup, lie down for a minute. It will pass.

(“Let the fooker BURN!” Those Whacky Scots!)

masterdebater August 21, 2009 at 3:01 pm

“Whether he was clearing brush at his ranch or choking on a pretzel, George Bush was known to sport his silkiest ascot, his most posh plaid cummerbund.”

Oh, yes, that cowboy shit is TRE CHIC! Well, you know, provided your intire life has been spent in some crappy Texas backwater. Texas… I’m surprised Barry hasn’t given it back to Mexico yet.

slowuncle August 21, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Wait– Scotsmen keep a dork in their sock?

groove August 21, 2009 at 3:21 pm

William Wallace would be ashamed, present-day Scotland. Do you think he got his ass drawn and quartered for you guys to become a bunch of pussies? How far, far, you have fallen.

LittlePig August 21, 2009 at 3:34 pm

[re=392404]rachelv[/re]: [re=392431]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Lighten up, Francii.

doloras August 21, 2009 at 5:35 pm

The late British socialist journalist Paul Foot made a good case that al-Megrahi was framed, and that the real perpertrators at Lockerbie were Iranian or Lebanese, but US/UK just wanted to nail Qaddafi for something at the time. Something to think about for the moral outrage brigade here:

Lazy Media August 21, 2009 at 9:25 pm

Actually, the wee dagger in the sock is a skien bubh. A dirk is a bloody great, sword-sized knife that hangs off the belt, often with a wee knife and fork set in the sheath. Of course, when a Scotsman wants an actual sword, he reaches for a claymore, which is about six feet long.

plowman August 22, 2009 at 8:33 am

[re=392406]finallyhappy[/re]: Rabies is quite rare in rodents but pretty common among the homeless.

Paul Tardy August 22, 2009 at 11:55 am

The Guardian is trash talking American health care again, I say we vote the Brit-tards off Afghanistan:

Dying for affordable healthcare — the uninsured speak

Reads like the god’dam book a Job.

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