Wonkette
Yes she is! Read it on the Internet, we did! Apparently Marian Robinson, Michelle Obama’s mother, performs Satanic “Afro-Hispanic” witchcraft rituals, in the White House. Barack Obama is piping mad, because how would this affect his IMAGE? Poorly! This story and all of its quotes are true. Jane Mayer of the New Yorker is one helluva reporter and would never make up something this incendiary. Oh… what is that, Intern Riley?… It’s from Townhall, not Jane Mayer of the New Yorker?… THEN IT’S EVEN TRUER.
The Obama White House is abuzz with talk of witchcraft by first grandmother, 72-year-old Marian Robinson, who lives in the White House residence. A close friend of Michelle Obama says the president is furious at his mother-in-law after learning that she was practicing Santeria, an African spirit cult, in the White House.
[...]
This is how it happened. Marian Robinson became increasingly frustrated as her husband, Fraser Robinson, was hobbled by multiple sclerosis in the late 1980s. The family pastor prayed with her and counseled her, but “she turned to Santeria in a desperate hope,” Michelle’s friend said. “Michelle put her foot down when she heard that her mother took her dad to ceremonies where they did spells and trances, and sacrificed animals, chickens and goats I think. But Marian was desperate and kept going anyway, even when her husband was to sick to go with her. I don’t think the president knew anything about this earlier because it was before they met. Michelle and Craig (her brother) wanted to close the book on this and never talked about it again after their father died in 1991.”
Oh, those black people!
This is exactly how Barack Obama talks when he’s angry, too — with turns of phrase like “witchcraft mumbo-jumbo.”
The president was “totally in favor” when his mother-in-law moved into the White House as a live-in babysitter for 11-year-old Malia and 8-year-old Sasha. Obama reportedly told Michelle that her mother will have to go back to Chicago if she does not “stop this witchcraft mumbo-jumbo immediately” and ordered the Secret Service to not allow Marian’s friend to return to the White House.
Jane Mayer of the New Yorker has been scooped!
Witchcraft in the White House [Townhall]
Who said journalism was dead? Columbia, start engraving the medals now.
There is no worse evil in the world than the horrific act of sacrificing goats I think.
“… her husband was to sick to go with her.”
Can a brotha get a [sic] up in here?
Just trying to set up a false equivalency for the real Palin witchdoctor.
they do it too ad nauseum.
What friend of Marian ?? Some major “fact” dropped here, either in the Townhall version or (say it isn’t so) the Wonkette editing…
My fav comment: VooDoo??
Who do voodoo in the black house,is Obama an Ozombie?he has a lot of followers who are Ozombies.
Santeria will be the public healthcare option. Gives that “a chicken in every pot” a whole new meaning, don’t it!
And for those things not covered by Santeria, there is always Part D, aka Voodoo.
The story’s truthiness is part of its juiciness - Let the Geezer sacrifices begin!!
Let’s say this is true, just for shits and giggles. My great aunt goes to est seminars (or Landmark or whatever they are called now) does that mean I’m an idiot just because my elderly relative is an idiot? These right-tards are getting really desperate if their best anti-Obama myth is that he doesn’t care for crazy.
The comments certainly are fun. Scripture is already being quoted.
Look, Harry Potter is a cool series and all, but some of the fans just go way overboard with this whole wizard stuff. Just wait til the First Mother-In-Law becomes a Twilight-head.
So, AfroHispanoMuslicSocioBlackChristianSatanists?
We’re gonna need more alphabets on the Internets if they keep expanding the damn thing.
Next we’ll hear they’re dyslexic and have been worshiping Santa by mistake.
Obama first became aware of his mother-in-laws witchcraft shenanigans when she kept bringing home-made fried chicken EVERY DAY.
“Gee, mah, where do you manage to get a steady supply of dead chickens?”
“Oh, that’s just this thing. What are the Braves now? 0-7?”
She should sacrifice some chickenhawks.
Sarah Palin’s African minister needs to be called in to exorcise the White House.
And then the Secret Service agent who escorted Marian’s friend out of the white house fell to the floor holding his stomach and yelling “Colebras…colebras!!!” and the next day Hillary had a pimple that exploded, releasing hundreds of little spiders. So then Josiah Bartlett came back to the White House to set everything arights. The end.
ceremonies where they did spells and trances, and sacrificed animals, chickens and goats
Dick Cheney is NOT going to be happy that Gramma Robinson stole directly from his playbook.
A spokesman for Sublime reiterated that “[Mrs. Robinson] don’t practice santeria”
From their comments:
Sandra Wise writes:
This is a #1 Blog?
Give me a break! No wonder the left things we’re crazy at TH.
Any sources for this story????
Hehe
Perhaps she could try the potion from ‘Macbeth’, involving eye of Newt!
I have sacrificed many a chicken on the altar of southern cooking.
From the comments
Jeff writes:
This looks like a pattern
First this guy is a Muslim, then he goes to a church with an American-hating pastor, now this. What’s next? This reminds me of a blog called “Stand With Stanley” I read recently “Obama and Allies Moving Against Religion.” Remember how he said in Egypt that we are no longer a Christian nation? Pretty soon, I am afraid he will outlaw Christianity. What is wrong with him?
YES JEFF!! I TOO REMEMBER ALL THESE FUCKING STUPID THINGS!! I TOO SEE A PATTERN!! OF YOU BEING A FUCKING DIPSHIT!! HA HA HAH!!
Did she pour chicken blood all over Michelle, like Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart? Because I would be totally in favor of that.
Any story that begins with “This is how it happened” is obviously credible.
azw88: Win
Her mom believes in animal sacrifice, secretive rituals and demon powers? Psh, that’s nothing. My mom believes in an all-seeing zombie Jew born from a virgin with magic powers.
Why do the Wonkette editors hate our brains?
Hey Kristen Atkinson! yeah, you, kristenatkinson@illinois.usa.com!
I have some questions regarding your news story.
“You remind me of the babe
What babe?
The babe with the power
What power?
Power of voodoo
Who do?
You do
Do what?
Remind me of the babe”
It’s Dat Ol’ Black Magic Again.
mattbolt: Atkinson, no doubt, deliberated the [sic] for hours. Having already picked up on enough of the Ebonics to recognize that some black lady was already being quoted verbatim, would her readers accuse her of classism? Though it would protect her journalistic integrity to acknowledge the error, surely it would be too much. Had not the black people already suffered enough?
Imagine my surprise to find that clicking the ‘Flag as offensive link’ returns a 404. And that the author’s email is invalid. Oh and there’s this.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/2318100/posts?page=91
Whut a surprise.
Notice that the distinguished journalist Jim understandably mistook for Jane Mayer is actually Kristen Atkinson, whose bio on the site reads, in toto: “The Obamas’ tricks must be exposed.”
Jeebus I couldn’t agree more, and this is a healthy first step. Her email address is kristenatkinson@illinois.usa.com, but when you go to that domain, there ain’t no domain there. Good thing Kristin’s protected herself from the fake Jews who will now go after her!
It all adds up: Michelle always gets mad at Marian for putting some wacky curse on her skinny big-eared husband, wiggles cute nose to set things right.
Love you too, Townhall. Now, have Mrs. Robinson conjure you up a spell to send you back to Hell, Townhall.
From the comments:
“I do not believe Obama is Christian. Not for a minute. He believes far too in sink with the Nation of Islam and their beliefs.”
So that’s it?! Obama’s in the sink for the Nation of Islam.
What a bunch of fucking unlliterates we am.
Uncertainty Vice-Principal: Don’t forget gay, nazi, and Hawaiian. And whatever else the nuts are scared of this week.
GreatOldOnesParty: Great minds. I had that same thing running through my head, only with “man” instead of “babe” (from “The Bachelor and the Bobby Soxer”).
Ramadan starts on Friday and they can get Granny back on track.
“I don’t practice santeria
I don’t have a crystal ball
But I will find a bipartisan solution to health care
and scare whitey, y’all”
–Sublime/Barack Obama
GreatOldOnesParty: For my will is as strong as yours, my kingdom as great… Damn. I can never remember that line.
If the Gang of Six all gets bit by snakes in the next few hours, I am converting to Santeria.
Don’t worry guys, pretty soon the wingnuts will run out of pages in their Obama Conspiracy Madlib and America will return to reasoned discourse.
GreatOldOnesParty: Best part about that commenter is that her website generates Google ads to “meet black singles”.
How about a death panel/Salem witch trial hybrid?
We round-up all the oldz and take ‘em to the Potomac river, tie rocks around their ankles and throw them in. If they drown and die, we know they were worthy of health care. If they float to the surface, we execute ‘em.
More TH comment fun-ness!
“I (Messiah) know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews (Christians), AND ARE NOT, they are the synagogue (church) of satan.” Ibid, The Revelation of Jesus Christ, chap.2, vrs.9.
Even as an a superstitious atheist I have to say…
WTF Bible is this Christard reading?
GreatOldOnesParty: He believes far too in sink with the Nation of Islam and their beliefs.”
Now he’s a sink worshiper? Does Joe know about this plumbing fixation?
Reading that site is scary, good god.
“First they came for my cerebral cortex, and I said nothing…..”
“Will my Santeria witch-doctor visits be covered by the new nationalized health care plan?”
It’s a good thing we don’t have any crazy-ass religious nonsense like that out here in Republicanland. Because I was talking to the LORD yesterday and He seemed mighty displeased with the lack of sense of some people. Now pass me that box of rattlesnakes…
You can’t stop Magog with Santeria!
Gog, maybe.
once i a made a circle of flower petals around an angry, bible-thumping, christian screeching through a megaphone. as he watched me, he shut up and started mumbling a prayer to himself.
azw88: Santeria and Voodoo are essentially the same thing. Witchcraft these adys usually refers to the European nature spirity stuff. These folks need to go back to heathen identification class.
GreatOldOnesParty: It’s the one that also has the Gospel of Rush, the Book of Beck, and Acts of the Assholes. Seriously, people, it’s Revelations, or Revelation of St. John. Get with your Jeebus program.
mattbolt: Mine too! And they drink his blood and eat his flesh as an act of communion.
I thought a santeria was a buffet-style restaurant where everyone is dressed up in red suits.
american mutt: I Likes!!!
GreatOldOnesParty: Are you sure they weren’t reading from the Revelation of Joe the Plumber? Since, y’know, he’s been to Israel and shit.
Come here a minute: Oh, I dunno. If they’re raising their own vegetables, probably they should be slaughtering their own chickens and goats, too.
There’s no lack of voodooists in DC, anyway.
Noodle Salad: Strange that a fundamentalist didn’t even know the name of the book he was quoting.
That’s a whole new level of bizarre.
azw88: If Pentecostal faith-healing (as well as voodoo, santeria, etc.) were part of the health care plan, all the TV evangelists would jump on board the wagon and the thing would pass. Obama could threaten the Reps with spells.
Santeria is Caribbean. I realize to that these wingnuts there’s no difference between the various different brownish people around the world, but that’s pretty basic stuff to get wrong.
This morning on the bus, I was thinking of paying someone to “curse” and “bless” two separate ipods so I could sell them each on ebay.
You laugh, but in a week to 10 days 45% of Americans will believe the “Mother in Law in Chief is a Voodoo Priestess” meme to be true: and 55% of Republicans, and 75% of Republican southerners. Just wait.
Pshh! She was probably just playing that one album from Sublime really loud.
The White House should be a Christian-only home. No way should they ever let religious fanatics who claim to eat the flesh and drink the blood of…
oh, wait a minute.
Better rethink that.
Martin Sheen was in an absolute stinker called The Believers that was about Santeria. He also played a president. He’s a Democrat. Also. I see the connection now.
GreatOldOnesParty: I like to refer to them as the illiterati.
You know, guys, I don’t live in DC, yet I know voodoo practitioners who live there. Probably you can find voodoo, santeria, etc., in the Yellow Pages.
Rodney Badger: hahahah. thats a joke right? the crazy is ingrained. it is a feature not a bug.
What’s next? Yoga? Informal Fridays? French cooking? Things have certainly gone to hell in handbasket.
“Now go do that voodoo that you do so well!”
0:54
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoM-ZC7uNnc
Anyway, First Amendment to the United States Constitution. Freedom of religion, TownhallTards.
Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
I might not like Marian Robinson killing live chickens in the name of some crackpot religion, but I’ll defend to her death her right to kill live chickens in the name of some crackpot religion. The same goes for Mitt Romney’s Alien Space Jesus, and the bedside shrine Rush Limbaugh has erected in honor of his pharmacist.
This is actually my favorite comment there:
Jeff writes:
This looks like a pattern
First this guy is a Muslim, then he goes to a church with an American-hating pastor, now this. What’s next? This reminds me of a blog called “Stand With Stanley” I read recently “Obama and Allies Moving Against Religion.” Remember how he said in Egypt that we are no longer a Christian nation? Pretty soon, I am afraid he will outlaw Christianity. What is wrong with him?
Yes, FIRST he’s a Muslin, and you can tell this because he went to that Christian church EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY and never once walked out! Then, he’s an extremist Christian who wants to outlaw religion. Or guns. Or something. Can’t he keep it straight??
What makes it art is the part where they blame Obama for their own incoherence.
FlipOffResearch: Illiterati. ha ha ha I’m definitely stealing that.
“black witch”? how insulting. she da voduo queen, thank you very much.
V572625694: yo, not to bring things down with geekiness, but you *can* have a valid email address at an (apparently) invalid domain. In her case, mail sent to illinois.usa.com would be handled and delivered by outblaze.com.
Long story short, mail to that address should get to her, appearances to the contrary.
I love the “I think” after chickens and goats. She could have followed that up with “I haven’t done any actual research here and I have no reliable sources, but I once heard a story when I was in grammar school that those black people did that sort of thing.”
And this proves it’s even truer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZARWvlz_yKI
Code Pink are witches too! And that’s only in Part 1.
Santeria is big in Cuba. Rekindling my hopes that Obama is a stealth Fidel.
Is there anything insane that these motherfuckers won’t believe?
Once the chain drops off the Zuni festish doll, we are all fucked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLFqtrm2R1s
GreatOldOnesParty: Oh, that silly commenter got it from Madonna’s “Justify My Love (Beast Within Mix)”. Are there any conservatives who aren’t closet cases?
NJB: Yes, the illiterati is a subset of the unintelligentsia. But don’t worry they are all omnimpotent.
Dave J.: I was hoping someone had already done this so I wouldn’t have to.
okay, this does it. this does it. all the good christians in this land — and to be a christian is automatically good, it’s like the veterans’ bonus in civil service exams — all the good christians, they need to stay awake.
are you listening to me? hey! good christians! you! yeah, you! i’m talking to you, now listen up. you need to stay awake now, as long as you possibly can. if you’re with other christians, you can set up a rotating sentry system where you sleep in shifts, but whatever you do, don’t dare fall asleep alone! the boogey-man is out there, right outside your bedroom window. he has evil magical satanic powers you can barely comprehend, he’s sacrificing chickens and sticking long dull used hypodermic needles into dolls that look like you, and you, and you, too, over there trying to hide. i see you. and if i can see you, he can see you. don’t go to sleep! not ever again! he’ll get you!
LOOK OUT HERE HE COMES!
Balls!: Dude I knew swore up and down that the Voodoo gods were evil, as proved by the state of Haiti, but the Santeria spirits were the good guys, as proved by the fact that life in Cuba is pretty cruisy, what with the rum and cigars and withstanding 50 years of blockade and all. He also swore that Fidel Castro is an initiated priest.
Lets see:
He’s a Chicago-style, half-breed, Muslin, Kenyan born, Nazi-lovin’, witch-doctoring, Christian-pastoring, white-hatin’ socialist.
They must have forgotten cannibal somewhere in that mix.
And who thought that white folk weren’t racist?
Let’s not overreact. Mrs. Robinson could wipe out the deficit singlehandedly if she just volunteered to sell government-approved curses on enemies for $10,000 a pop. Imagine a letter from the White House “Dear ___, At your request we have put a curse on _____. If he/she does not turn into a gerbil in two weeks, as requested, please do not hesitate to contact us again.”
As for me, I’d like to request that a horrible curse be put on Rush Limbaugh (not fat or stupid because they’ve obviously been done already). His curse should be a high squeaky voice, like Minnie Mouse.
Since it was my idea, I get my curse fulfilled for free.
Come here a minute: What if you barbecue them afterward? Or make a nice curry? MMMmmm, goat curry.
Mama Mia
Santeria
Dining room table
from IKEA
Really, if an old woman wants to practice a little voodoo now and again, who are we to object?
Voodoo lady
Shakin’ that stick
Driving me crazy
Voodoo lady
That song makes me laugh. Also.
Maybe I can write to Mrs. Robinson, and ask if she’ll give Clarence Thomas a painful, fatal heart attack. (If anybody’s practicing witchcraft, it’s me.)
The right is going to make up so many stupid lies, that when Obama does do something stupid, no one is going to believe it.
So she likes Santana … that doesn’t make her a black, magic woman.
Chango VERY, VERY ANGRY with this news coming out!!! Very bad ju-ju! Gonna be plenty big wahalla for Obama! Time to raise the sacrificial ante from goats to humans, such as Limbaugh, Kristol and Cheney! Then Chango make hurricane go away, Ted Kennedy get well, Wonkette meet plenty swell fella!
“And secondly, he is worried about the political fallout if his enemies get wind of this.[...]” a close friend of Michelle’s confided.”
heehee.
Balls!: Not to the practitioner or the uninformed. The ultra Christians will claim they are both based on satanism and thus the same, sort of like Protestant and Catholic religions are the same, and that is why they have been trying to kill each other in N. Ireland for more than a century.
Santeria is not Voodoo. They both derive from African religions, but they’re not the same. And their belief systems, while I don’t buy them, make more sense than believing that a rabbi whose mother never had sex rose from the dead after three days and then ascended into orbit.
At least she’s not into astrology.
New game! Townhall or Weekly World News?
GreatOldOnesParty:
Jesus, we are the lamest humans in the world, as we know exactly where that snippet of verse came from. What’s more, I bet you love it as much as I do….
doxastic: World Weekly- of course! Batboy is going to replace Grandma as the babysitter.
Santarian, Christian, Muslim, what mother-in-law isn’t a witch from hell?
Zorg: You mean sacrificial pigs. And include Glenn Beck among them please.
from the comments:
“The Third Commandment warns us: “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, the Lord will not hold him guiltless who taketh His Name in vain.”
Anyone giving the Oath of Office raises his hand to call God to Witness the Oath. Only someone who is born again possesses Authority to call God as Witness to their Oath. (Ye MUST be born again.)
What evidence may be presented to demonstrate that Obama is born again?”
So is he anti-American or the anti-christ? I can’t keep up anymore.
I’d also love to know which version of the bible he’s quoting. There must be a new, even wingnuttier version out since I quit the bible studies and church camps my parents pushed in my youth. (Though I must say, I do miss all the free booze and pot at those retreats.)
Redhead: Only born-again Christians can be POTUS, then? Man, whoever mentioned before about them going after the Catholics as well as the Joos and the Muslins was right.
I like drinking sateria with tapas. I find that red wine works better than white, and sin gas por favor!
Todd Mecklem: Vodou is about the human condition. That and chicken parts. I love chicken.
Wait till they find out about her homeopathic arthritis drops…
I think I’ll donate a bunch of those Blair Witch stick-figures for the White House Christmas tree.
Much ado about a chicken bone cross — it takes the curse off her bat and brings her hits.
Tommmcatt: That I do, but not as much as The Dark Crystal.
Redhead: Probably a fan-fic version.
Once those old black ladies get into yoga down at the Y anything can happen!
And it will.
BURN HER!
Perhaps the greatest image alt text ever.
chascates: watch it
Pick a non-WASP background for the family and stick to it. Consistency, people!
Gee, something like this has never happened before! Can you imagine the First Lady planning the POTUS schedule based on consultations with, say an astrologer? Oh wait, sorry Nancy Reagan, you beat Michelle to it by over 20 years huh?
I’ve always believed in Santeria ever since I played for the Cleveland Indians in the late 80s and this teammate of mine set up an altar in his locker and allowed him to hit better. Oh, and Jesus Christ can hit a curveball.
imissopus: Tell me, what do you do with witches? What do you burn apart from witches? (more witches! wood!) so why do witches burn? (cause they’re made of wood.) So how do we tell if she is made of wood? (build a bridge out of her!) does wood sink in water? (no it floats!) what also floats in water? (a duck!) so logically, if she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood! and therefore a witch!
See, it’s logical. And she turned me into a newt too, even if I did get better. also.
Only born-again Christians can be POTUS, then?
What does that even leave us with? Harding, Carter, and George W. Bush–not the three most effective presidents ever.
BlueStateLibtard: Thy will be done!
Doodoo that Voodoo that you do so well. Yes, doodoo that voodoo.
Wow…no one took this id already???
But enough of me…THEM PEOPLE ARE THE CRAZIE!!!!!
It’s all part of a vast right wing conspiracy to break his cool. First, knowing he was practically raised by his grandmother, they go with the health plan is going to put grannie to death. He laughs it off. Now, your mother-in-law is a witch. They just think if they keep shouting things about his mom figures, he’ll explode.
Lightnin’ Slim : “That little hoodoo girl, people she done hoodooed the hoodoo man.”
So okay I follows the link and it’s this bloggy thing that has links for Hugh Hewitt (NOT DEAD, so disappointed, saw the head line “Hewitt Dies” on the AP wire and got excited for a minute, oh well) and Michael Medved (the REAL golden turkey!) and is hawking some Michelle Malkin book, fer Chrissakes, and I figures, “Oh this is going to be rich,” and so I zooms over to the comments — and you know what? Even the freakin WINGNUTS aren’t buying it! Oh sure there are some a-holes on there, making ooga-booga jokes or quoting scripture (but sadly not the LOLcats version of the Bible); but it seems it’s running 3-to-1 in favor of calling it hooey. The nutters are scared that this will make them look silly! Like they’ve looked like a bunch of concerned sobersides up to now, ya think? So very soon, Limbaugh will call this a left wing plant designed to make the right look crazy, though not before he’s spent a few days making ooga-booga jokes and vooomped a few dozen sacrificial chickens into his insatiable maw.
ellie: Ween FTW
unicow: Win
S.Luggo: Concrete shoes! Cyanide! TNT!
The Malkin book. So I walk into Borders - and I see the damn Malkin book right in front. So I take the first copy and turn it over so it covers the title. It is true her horrible photo is on the back but at leas the Bs on the front wasn’t showing. I thought about just putting another book in front of it. Maybe next time.
Unshockingly, the major demographic on Freeper is male childless olds with no college education who browse from home. http://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/freerepublic.com
The scenario running through the minds of all townhallers/freepers/redstaters at this moment…
(Prez Nigga speaks, grabbing Witch Marian by her cornrows and, lifting her off the ground, holds her out at arms length while she comically runs in place in mid-air and vainly swings her arms at Prez; in his other hand he holds a book aloft.)
Prez Nigga: I say, I say, lissen here now, Gran’mammy Mar’yun!! You cain’ be conjurin’ nooooo spooks in dis here whi’house while I be’s pres’dent o’ da UUUUUUnited States’es!!! No, suh!!! I won’t have me no religiosity dat don’ adhere strictly-like to da teachifyin’ in dis here Ko-ron!!!
Witch Marian: (hissing madly) Take yo’ hands offa me, you filthy unbeleeevin’ muslin, a’fore I sacrifices me a democrat member o’ congrisssss and turns yo sorry black ass back into a lazy, no-count cuh-munitee organ-i-sizer where you come from!!
(applause)
Next time I go back to Puerto Rico, I’m going to the Santeria shop and buying a CASE of Go Away Evil Spray (which looks suspiciously like Aquanet with a new label) to spray all over Town Hall.
mattbolt: Love it.
Oh, oooooohh ooooo-eee-ooooooh! On the tropical island of DC, they do a little santeria hula dance, and the Kenyan voodoo swamis make dead chicken origamis and sing booga booga mau mau and they don’t wear any pants.
Everybody sing!
The stupidity hurts. Where do these stupid people come from?
teebob2000: The best part of that scenario is imagining Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity in black-face, with the latter in drag, performing it.
OMFG, the First Lady made your link disappear!
Seriously, they removed the page.
Does the color really matter?… http://bit.ly/reason_for_silver refer=mosaic