Wonkette
Creepy Italian sausage SILVIO “JUST CALL ME PAPI” BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won’t the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi’s privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter’s birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi’s chances of scoring with his daughter’s extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! …
KEN SALAZAR has always been a devoted conservationist. As a young boy, he kept all of his scabs and TOENAIL CLIPPINGS in a box by his bed. Now a grown man — and also Secretary of the Interior — Ken hopes to preserve so much more. From the private beaches of Malibu, to the frozen Lochs of Maine … The gentle caribou of Alaska …. TRIG PALIN … The sewer monsters of Raleigh, North Carolina … Yes, Ken Salazar will protect America’s majestic wildlife, its tremendous natural wonders …
SENATOR MIKE ENZI (R-WY), who plays bass for the Troggs cover band GANG OF SIX, has some serious health issues. Specifically, his gastrointestinal tract is totally wrecked. That’s why he has asked the SENATE FINANCE COMMITTEE to cut health care reform into tiny, itsy bitsy pieces, so he can digest it all without exploding …
Are you a war veteran (First Gulf War does not count)? Do you suffer from POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER or a similarly debilitating psychological condition? You may qualify for a FREE PUPPY. Outrageous but true: REP. ED WHITFIELD (R-KY) wants to nationalize puppy-giving — the first chapter of Mein Kampf, verbatim! How are privately owned puppy dispensaries going to compete with a GOVERNMENT PUPPY BUREAUCRACY? We say no. No thank you, sir.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com.
Throbbing poop-esque creature?
Rush is in the sewers again.
‘Shameless’ Silvio Berlusconi buys 18-year-old model a gold necklace for her birthday and calls himself ‘her little daddy teacher’ — One time a young woman offerred to have sex with me if I bought her a Tissot watch. I declined, but I didn’t know I could have then called myself her little daddy teacher. Damn.
Does the puppy program include puppy death panels? Keyboard cat approves.
yeah, but these are USEFUL puppies.
Rinse that sewer monster off and you can sell it in chunks in a tropical fish store.
Maybe skip the puppies and have Ken Salazar just distribute wildlife to the twitchy veterans. The care and feeding of sewer monsters should be just the thing to soothe the nerves.
I come for the sewer monsters, but I stay for the puppies. Stay classy, Waggaman!
I want to trust the internets so badly… I desperately want to know that the metermaid footage was real…
My dining room table knows more about puppy distribution policy than Waggaman.
Ha ha, the Eye-talians love to laugh at us gringoes because we got all worked up about Bill’s Oval-Office blowjobs. “You Americani are so unsopheesticated,” they said.
You should see the papers in bella Italia now: Silvio’s on the cover of every one, every day, and not because of what he does as preznident.
“Riley Waggaman” is a good writer
I was okay with the puppy giveaway thing until I read that Whitfield owns a Jack Russel. Do PTSD sufferers really need a frantically yippy, hyperactive glorified beagle underfoot? Next he’ll be advocating Pomeranians for people with brain damage. That sort of sly mockery doesn’t need to be part of our national legislation.
Are we talking about puppy puppies or is “puppy” in this case just a euphemism for flatulent, toothless, bacon-and-macaroni fed mutts confiscated by the feds when B. Hussein’s Death Panels pull the plug on thousands of grannies?
Thank you Riley. My lunch was twice as tasty the second time.
If you ever graced a loo after Enzi, it’s obvious that guy’s body is hating itself for indulging in a life of food sin. Probably due to the fact that he hasn’t gotten his country of origin labeling implemented and has been unknowingly eating hot dogs from Mexico.
Mmmmmm. Daddy teacher like.
That sewer monster’s wriggling and throbbing is still 10x more interesting to watch than Glenn Beck’s.
As much as I want to click on the vid of the sewer worm globby massy thing, I just… can’t… do it.
Mind you, Marti Gibson of the Raleigh NC Public Utilities, you WIN THE DAY for going all “hell to the NO this is some private shit in private lines and ain’t Raleigh’s problem.” I salute you!
oh dear god, now we have sewer worm monsters?
With all the recent absurdity in North Carolina (between the “No pubic option” gal, the 5% who think Hawaii isn’t part of the US and the 40some% who think Obama wasn’t born in the US, and now this sewer monster thing), I feel inclined to point out that not ALL of us here in North Carolina have our heads up our redneck, backwards butts.
The state supreme court just ruled, in a custody dispute between a state senator and her former girlfriend, that two parents were better than one and the fact that the senator was gay didn’t mean jack squat. (http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20090818/ARTICLES/908189980/1177?Title=N-C-court-preserves-Sen-Julia-Boseman-s-adoption-that-former-partner-tried-to-void). Can we at least, just once, be recognized for doing SOMETHING right? (It doesn’t happen all that often!)
MARCdMan: Unless it’s the baby-headed poop monster himself who has retreated into the sewers.
Oh what a brilliant idea only a real mouthbreather could dream up! Give people suffering from extreme stress a small helpless animal that requires extra patience, care and consideration! Why the hell do the oldsters need taxpayer-funded health care? Let’s just give them each a hamster, that’ll cure them!
Very nice with the Eye-tali there Riley. Being Wonkett we all know that Vaffunculo! means Buttsecks! Kewl.
Puppies for vets? That’s the kindest, gentlest, least divisive proposal that I’ve heard a Republican make since, well, since forever.
Rep. Whitfield declares himself to be an independent in 4,3,2,1…
I thought Berlusconi owned the Italian media.
Redhead: Today we are all lesbians with child custody issues. But I’ll believe not all North Carolinians have their heads up their backwards butts as soon as your new Senator remembers that she’s not Liddy Dole. We progressives who sent her money even though we set foot in NC about once in a lifetime didn’t do it so we could watch her not bring herself to vote for the public option. I’d be mighty pleased, as y’all say, if you would grab that thing out of the sewer and tell Sen. Hagan she’ll be dining on it if she doesn’t get in the Barneyfrankmobile YESTERDAY.
Thankfully socialist puppies cannot reproduce.
These puppies are to be rescued from the pounds and raised by actual prisoners, when their shift at the license plate factory is over. I don’t want my tax dollars going to prisons!
I thought the phrase “Ay, papi!” was only heard in Brazilian tranny videos.
Guess I’m getting closeted in my old age. I need to get out more.
And why, Representative Whitfield, are you saddling the taxpayers with the cost of dogs? Adolf did that in Germany with his Volkshund progam and you know what happened next, sir? The debacle of the 1936 Olympics!
Jukesgrrl: Got on it, sent Hagan a hello and told her one “on the dole” was enough for us Yankee tarheels.
I think Riley, as a public service, should end all future posts with “Don’t forget to spay or neuter your Italian Prime Ministers!”
“How are privately owned puppy dispensaries going to compete with a GOVERNMENT PUPPY BUREAUCRACY? We say no. No thank you, sir.”
Bravo, young Waggamon, bravo.
Re puppies for PTS guys: if they’re homeless and hungry, they can EAT the puppies!