KILL THE INTERNET  9:39 am August 18, 2009

Exciting New Glenn Beck Petition Will Heal America

by Ken Layne

Good thing we're all unemployed now ... plenty of time for online tomfoolery!
Okay, there goes the morning productivity! There’s a new SAVE GLENN BECK petition with, apparently, the same 2,200 Fox News viewers who figured out how to post something from the ‘puter. Go spread the true message of Democracy/Horror, and laugh at the (currently) visible signatures/messages, until this one gets eated, too. [New dumb Glenn Beck poll]

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Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


ManchuCandidate August 18, 2009 at 9:42 am

Damn. I’ll have to wait till I hit the Indian Buffet so I can make, um, special poopy in a diaper and send it to Glenn/Glenda Bekc.

contentsunderpressure August 18, 2009 at 9:44 am

How do these folks afford ‘puters and access to the inertubz?

Buzz Feedback August 18, 2009 at 9:44 am

This is what the intertubez was created for. Also.

drewonline August 18, 2009 at 9:48 am

none of these peple can spel

hobospacejunkie August 18, 2009 at 9:48 am

Good gravy you’re up early, Ken. You must really love us! (And hate bad witch Glenda.) Or else you have small children.

dum librul August 18, 2009 at 9:54 am

A giant, baby-headed poop monster. That is like lighting David Vitter’s bat-signal.

hockeymom August 18, 2009 at 9:54 am

OK…which one of you children was responsible for this:

“I will personally only purchase food and items from companies such as TruckNutz that emphasize real american vuales”


Roger the Shrubber August 18, 2009 at 9:54 am

There is a negro in the white house.

For Glenn Beck, the negro is easy to see.

Others don’t see it at all.

Some people say the negro is tame. Glenn says it’s vicious and dangerous.

Since no one can really be sure who’s right, isn’t it smart to let Glenn do your thinking for you?

If there is a negro?

rocktonsammy August 18, 2009 at 9:56 am

Why does Jeff Beck hate the internetz?

MGBYG August 18, 2009 at 9:56 am

Is this the same as the one shorts dumped on here late last night that Ken is taking credit for? Just askin’, geez.

jetjaguar August 18, 2009 at 10:01 am

Awww, how come my comment didn’t show up? I bet it filtered out the word “gay,” those commies. I wanted to spread the meme that a LOT of gay men watch Glen. Fiddlesticks.

BlueStateLibtard August 18, 2009 at 10:04 am

WARNING: Do not read these comments while eating or drinking. Or if you’re supposed to be working.

prizepig August 18, 2009 at 10:05 am

free speach is of great concern to those people.

Roll Fish August 18, 2009 at 10:05 am

What’s up with this donation thing?

freakishlystrong August 18, 2009 at 10:08 am

[re=389027]jetjaguar[/re]: Aww crap, then mine won’t make it either….

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us August 18, 2009 at 10:09 am


Terry August 18, 2009 at 10:13 am

Why are these guys so consistently in love with their cap lock key?

Poopley J. Crandleberry August 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

Start name dropping wonkette. I’d love for these folks to join our homely forum!

DemmeFatale August 18, 2009 at 10:16 am

Hmmm…giant, baby-headed poop monster.

Diadhuit August 18, 2009 at 10:20 am

Jumping Jehosaphet!

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us August 18, 2009 at 10:22 am

I did not write this!! Someone’s using my moniker!!

Blagojevichs hair is ma murkin: Eat TruckNutz and now with carcuntz(tm)(R) too for teh ladies in ther trailerz

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us August 18, 2009 at 10:23 am

[re=389039]CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us[/re]: I can haz royalteez?

I Am Not Your Gary Busey August 18, 2009 at 10:23 am

Dear Glann BEck Leader,
I get teers in my eyes when I think of how porly those corperations are treating you!!! I want to holler at the teev everytime I see one of those murderous traiterous corperations commercials on another station. I gets so that I feel a need to go to there offices and talks to them LOUD about freedoms liek SPEECH an d the berring of ARMS. I think that lousy Gecko has a office here. Your’s devotidly.

N. Gary Bussy

seriesoftubescleaner August 18, 2009 at 10:23 am

It took a wrong turn there somewhere around signature #2385

I Am Not Your Gary Busey August 18, 2009 at 10:27 am

What What What!? They’re not posting the full glorious text of my message of support! DON’T TREAD ON ME MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!

freakishlystrong August 18, 2009 at 10:28 am

Alright, who’s Suk Mehtaint?! I’m lookin’ at you Hobo.

misanthrope August 18, 2009 at 10:29 am

@cuntz: was me. where would you put the carcuntz?

Servo August 18, 2009 at 10:30 am

Which of you is Heinrich Himmelhofferburger?

Come here a minute August 18, 2009 at 10:31 am

Here is an early signer (the first with comments) that GETS it:

6 J.J. Holloway To any sponsers that pull the plug; good riddance to bad rubbage. The time is coming when these sponsers will regret leaving. J.J.

I heartily concur — there is nothing worse than bad rubbage.

Cubilist August 18, 2009 at 10:31 am

The Nine Principles (of the make everyone an Idiot Project)

1. Glenn Beck is good.
2. I believe in Glenn Beck and He is the Center of my Life.
3. I must always try to be a more like Glenn Beck than I was yesterday.
4. Glenn Beck is sacred. Glenn Beck is my ultimate authority, not the authoritarian, fascist, socialist, nazi muslin government.
5. If you break the law Glenn Beck will make you pay. Justice is blind and Glenn Beck is NOT.
6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of Glenn Beck. When is he going to return my calls.
7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who Glenn Beck tells me to. The authoritarian, socialist, fascist, nazi muslin Government cannot force me to be charitable with my truck nutz; only Glenn Beck can.
8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion, unless Glenn Beck’s authority is in question.
9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, I answer to Glenn Beck.

Clamps August 18, 2009 at 10:31 am

Actual Signature (#341) from before the Wonkette Invasion:


Tell us, indeed. I blame Van Jones.

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us August 18, 2009 at 10:32 am

[re=389047]misanthrope[/re]: over the gas tank

kth August 18, 2009 at 10:32 am

[re=389043]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: Moonbats need to quit hitting refresh after they post! Then again, go ahead, whatever makes the petition look dumber is fine.

dum librul August 18, 2009 at 10:32 am

[re=389049]Come here a minute[/re]: Don’t even get me started on bad rubbage and the discomfort it can leave you with.

DoctorCulturae August 18, 2009 at 10:33 am

Comehereaminute: I hate when the airlines lose my rubbage.

phineas_bounderby August 18, 2009 at 10:33 am

[re=389048]Servo[/re]: That would be me.

DarkSynergy August 18, 2009 at 10:34 am

2540 LOLbots All your petition are belong to us = WIN

kth August 18, 2009 at 10:34 am

The first one I posted, “my name” appeared, but the message didn’t go through. The second time, I left the box ticked to send their spam to the fake email address I gave them, then clicked through the Paypal links, and only canceled at the very end. Mission Accomplished!

Hed007 August 18, 2009 at 10:35 am

[re=389046]freakishlystrong[/re]: I was the Suk Mehtaint. First time poster. Longtime Douche.

Country Club Jihadi August 18, 2009 at 10:36 am

Rielle Murkin needs Glenn Beck applied directly to the forehead and will not come out of her Slanket until being a true Patriot is so easy even a caveman can do it.

yargisbargis August 18, 2009 at 10:36 am

Reed A. Coule
Glenn, I want to support you in so many ways, but my arm muscles are too weak.

the deliverator August 18, 2009 at 10:40 am

That was a fabulous laugh in the morning. I wish I had half the wit of you guys.

Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! August 18, 2009 at 10:40 am

Glenn Beck has killed at least two underage male thai prostitutes in his life

^ I chose that as my sig because it is a true fact, as related by Barry Soetero in Kenya to Powerline.

irisheyesagain August 18, 2009 at 10:41 am

Hey- it only printed my name too!

Hmmm. Take down a petition for ‘tards or spend time with my kids…. Back to the petition I go!!

MFAWG August 18, 2009 at 10:45 am

2750 FOX NEWS Beck+Limbaugh = Hot Man Booobz Action


norbizness August 18, 2009 at 10:49 am

Any jokes yet about forwarding their IP addresses to the re-education camp administrators? Sign in “Special Agent Mullah Omar”

Barrelhse August 18, 2009 at 10:50 am

[re=389052]Clamps[/re]: This is the type of customer that has the sponsors quaking in their boots. Obviously, this person is of the precise demographic at whom these companies direct their advertising dollars. You know, educated with some disposable income.

hobospacejunkie August 18, 2009 at 10:51 am

[re=389046]freakishlystrong[/re]: No, I can only take credit for the multiple George Carlins, Terrence & Philipses and Eric Cartmans. But thanks for thinking of me!

TheNavOne August 18, 2009 at 10:52 am

Glenn Beck does not care about black people.

The Cold Sea August 18, 2009 at 11:02 am

Comment number 2925 is FUCKING GOLD!

p.s. It’s not mine

StephanieInDC August 18, 2009 at 11:03 am

once this one dies, scurry on over to touch glenn’s “support wall”:

shortsshortsshorts August 18, 2009 at 11:04 am

[re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: We took care of that one, Stephanie. A few of us were all that was necessary.

mookworthjwilson August 18, 2009 at 11:06 am

I personally was inspired by the person who mispelled Glen “Gein”…

marley August 18, 2009 at 11:07 am

I can’t wait until these people take their next trip to wal-mart and realize that everything they buy is made by proctor and gamble.

I Am Not Your Gary Busey August 18, 2009 at 11:08 am

2819 Why wont the stupid libtards get their own PETITIONS?! Or are they too stupids? (BURN!)

That’s gotta be one of ours, right?

The Cold Sea August 18, 2009 at 11:10 am

[re=389123]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: It’s hard to tell. I need more forensic evidence.

snideinplainsight August 18, 2009 at 11:13 am

Oh, come on people, what are we all here, like, 8-year olds? You think all this stuff is funny?

What? Oh. Never mind. Carry on then -

Hawaiiexpat August 18, 2009 at 11:15 am

I have the most posts on that site where the comment has been scrubbed by the filter. iPetitions FTL.

rachelv August 18, 2009 at 11:18 am

[re=389028]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: I read your comment too late.

My favorite are the people who laugh at the lefties for posting, because merely by adding to the number of posts they are saving Glennie and hurting the mean sponsors.

irisheyesagain August 18, 2009 at 11:20 am

[re=389123]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: That was one of mine. Your welcome.

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 11:21 am

[re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: They like to shut it down at night because the poor slob manually editing it can’t keep up with the purging. It’s been getting a steady drubbing.

rachelv August 18, 2009 at 11:22 am

oh, and did anyone notice the Progressive car insurance ads on the petition site?

I Am Not Your Gary Busey August 18, 2009 at 11:23 am

[re=389137]irisheyesagain[/re]: You sir are a hero!

Buzz Feedback August 18, 2009 at 11:26 am

[re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: “Puff Nutz” says thx for the tip.

shypixel2 August 18, 2009 at 11:26 am

Apparently, Sarah Palin has nothing better to do than sign that petition eleventy billion times, also. August 18, 2009 at 11:27 am

[re=389060]kth[/re]: are you saying that you got around paying to post ? ’cause if that’s the case, count me in on the fun….

irisheyesagain August 18, 2009 at 11:34 am

[re=389144]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: Aw, shucks. Everything I know about warblogging I learned from Shorts and Gopherit.

I Am Not Your Gary Busey August 18, 2009 at 11:37 am

What I want to know is: if these people aren’t going to shop at Walmart anymore then where the hell are they gonna get their bulk pop-tarts and stretchy pants?

Barrett808 August 18, 2009 at 11:43 am

I’m sitting in a jury pool right now, with free public wifi. This Glenn Beck action will round out the day perfectly.

Barrett808 August 18, 2009 at 11:46 am
Gopherit August 18, 2009 at 11:49 am

[re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: [re=389112]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Don’t go there. /b/ is liberally spreading their most offensive filth all over the place.

SemiCharmedQuark August 18, 2009 at 11:50 am

LOL @ hedonism Bot

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=389173]Gopherit[/re]: /b/ got in on it? Oh that is lovely. I was wondering where all the gore came from.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 18, 2009 at 12:01 pm

HOORAY! Ima Beck Buttboy, Tara Newhole, and A.S. Splay have all registered their support.

Hawaiiexpat August 18, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Okay, whichever one of you did this:

From: Patriot McPoopypants

Post: The time has come to water the tree of Glen Beck with my pee.

Please step forward to take a bow. Well done.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 18, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Wait. My comment about Glenn being a [crude description of genitalia] and his knuckledragging followers being nothing more than [puerile and offensive sexual practice involving poop and maple syrup] didn’t get displayed on iPetition. Boo and FAIL.

snowbunny August 18, 2009 at 12:10 pm

too insane not to be real, found this gem:

TO PATTY DUMPLING, if that is your REAL NAME THEre are 30 Milion ILLEGALS in the country. THEY ARE gong to trea t them first. can it be? YES OPEN YOUR EYES, that is what US CORPS, Wants! fix there workers first, so we make sure they make money. the new AMericun way? I has colon cancer 1997, but i HAD a doctor to treat me. Where will they all go? – BILL UPTON

Limeylizzie August 18, 2009 at 12:12 pm

I am just so proud that Anne Nuss made it.

Gopherit August 18, 2009 at 12:17 pm

okay, it looks like is SFW again.

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[re=389222]Gopherit[/re]: Not for long……

The Decider August 18, 2009 at 12:21 pm

“Alfred E. Neumann More like Glenn Blechhhhhhh!”

LOL, I just told my boss not to expect much out of me today.

snideinplainsight August 18, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Eds: Let us now praise Richard Cohen – his column in the Post today, comparing Palin to McCarthy, is freakish in its lucidity and cogency. It’s like he ran out of meds or something.

S.Luggo August 18, 2009 at 12:22 pm

[re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: A libtard posted something very, very naughty there:
Since removed. Those people are just no damn fun.

mookworthjwilson August 18, 2009 at 12:33 pm

[re=389168]Barrett808[/re]: Been there done that, with John Wayne Gacy defending Ed Gein, aka the real life inspiration for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s Leatherface…

Barrett808 August 18, 2009 at 12:40 pm

[re=389222]Gopherit[/re]: I see all the serial killers are still representing at http://www.defendglenn/support_wall.php.

Fly Over Girl August 18, 2009 at 12:42 pm

How odd that they’re scrubbing some comments and not others.

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 12:42 pm

[re=389284]Barrett808[/re]: heh. The site lackey locked it down for lunch.

Gopherit August 18, 2009 at 12:42 pm

[re=389236]S.Luggo[/re]: The guy has left the HTML open in the comments. What a moron. He is hard core, too. He deletes every post one by one. HARD. CORE.

Gopherit August 18, 2009 at 12:44 pm


Gopherit August 18, 2009 at 12:48 pm

[re=389294]Downtheroadapiece[/re]: can you imagine his job?

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 12:50 pm

[re=389308]Gopherit[/re]: Job? Surely you jest.

teebob2000 August 18, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Good times!

Cicada August 18, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Well, they are now selectively blocking the comments on the petition, but the names are still there. Time for “D.E. Snutz” to make himself heard.

eclecticbrotha August 18, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Dammit. I sign in as “Hussein in da membrane” but my comments aren’t showing up.

I am glad we have real patriots like Glen Beck fighting against socialism, interracial sex, cable TV, the right for celebutard startlets to go commando, poor people, brown people, intelligent thought and rational discourse? Keep fighting for us real Americans, Glen: the white ones who don’t understand the issues because we flunked out in the 3rd grade.

DP August 18, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Mr. Beck is a Patriot and never was a racist. He believes in preserving the America we ALL grew up with more than preserving his own success. He is an example for all of us and has taught me to open my mouth for the things I believe in, even if it might be harmful to me or my life–Lisa Kulp

best comment ever

Egregious August 18, 2009 at 1:27 pm

I must take a moment to salute “Count Chocula” for this fine comment:

“Glenn Beck gave me super AIDS even though I asked for regular AIDS.”

eclecticbrotha August 18, 2009 at 1:28 pm

How are you guys getting your comments posted? Are you resorting to faking out the paypal donation page?

masterdebater August 18, 2009 at 1:33 pm

Odd. Mai Qoc’s name made it, but not the comments. Someone is trying to silence Mai Qoc.

Sick Puppy August 18, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Support Wall is down for service improvements

Anticipated return time: 08.18.09 1:15 PM EST

You can still email us at
We will post comments to the wall
Thank you!

eclecticbrotha August 18, 2009 at 1:40 pm

from suckabagofblackdicks:

Glenn Beck is a wonderful human being who wants to save White America from the horrible black menace who lurks in the White (Man’s) House. We must rise up against racist Gekkos and socialist yellow dots who smile at us sinisterly while they hypnotize us with promises of falling prices. We must drive a stake through Wal-Mart’s heart and restore this country as the racist haven we’ve known and loved all our lives.

rachelv August 18, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Would someone cleverer than I please create a new petition demanding that the ipetitions site be shut down for being sponsored by Progressive insurance? Then post a link to that petition on the Support Glenn petition?

lulzmonger August 18, 2009 at 2:09 pm

I sense a great disturbance in the Lulz.

Holy flaming bag of shit – talk about a free-fire-zone … the comments on that petition make 4Chan look like a Christian Fellowship forum. Needs more Lemonparty & Goatse.


Hawaiiexpat August 18, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=389426]Sick Puppy[/re]:

It’s 2:21 p.m. EDT and they’re still not back.

My typing fingers are getting itchy.

Kathryn. August 18, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=389175]SemiCharmedQuark[/re]: You’re welcome. Easily my favorite Futurama character.

eclecticbrotha August 18, 2009 at 2:42 pm

From John Boehner:

Just like Glenn Beck, I love the smell of jism in the morning. Preferably dripping from the ceiling after my fapomatic overheats and explodes all over me and best friend Sean Hannity. Then, we like to cuddle in the sticky puddle. Join us, Glenn, its awesome!!!


ante meridiem August 18, 2009 at 3:05 pm

It involves putting GLENN BECK in a jar of formaldehyde, right?

DustBowlBlues August 18, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Game’s up, people. Beck is a dead man and, sadly, the wonkeratti had nothing to do with it. Unless Keith O is just making up shit that he knows will make me happy, Walmart has pulled its ads from this douche bag’s show. Once he’s lost the toothless hillbillies riding scooters because they’re too fat to walk, his base is gone.

Does this asswipe have a radio show? Radio–the medium too tough to die.

aflurry August 18, 2009 at 3:25 pm

I love all the declarations that they will be boycotting all the advertisers’ products. Right. For like 5 minutes. Also, how’s that diet working out for ya?

Angry Brit August 18, 2009 at 3:59 pm

It seems the leader of the Nazi British National Party, Nick Griffin, has left the message: “Glen Beck is a man after my own heart!”.

Possibly a little subtle? But hey! Mr Griffin will undoubtedly enjoy all the e-mails from ipetition.

Oh no! Someone has obviously decided that comment has some dirty hidden meaning and deleted it!

Perhaps it means something else in the US? ;-)

mookworthjwilson August 18, 2009 at 4:10 pm

the person sending the mouth breathers to redtube is genius…

Tundra Grifter August 18, 2009 at 4:11 pm

[re=389060]kth[/re]: You can use a fake email address? Oh shit…

mookworthjwilson August 18, 2009 at 4:16 pm

i don’t know what it is about, but i think this should be the next ipetition that gets the glen beck treatment…

mookworthjwilson August 18, 2009 at 4:17 pm

the person sending the mouth breathers to redtube is genius…

The Sea Farmer August 18, 2009 at 4:30 pm


that was me

i enjoyed getting people riled up

i pretty much typed that blind

President Beeblebrox August 18, 2009 at 5:23 pm

Hell, this is more fun than the Oily Taintz petition a couple of months ago.

I has a sad, tho, because someone baleeted the excerpt from the Koran, in Arabic, that I posted.

mikeyboypdx August 18, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Tundra Grifter August 18, 2009 at 7:39 pm

[re=389864]mikeyboypdx[/re]: “Mens Wearhouse” mis-spelt, of course…

This is more fun that choking chickens.

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 7:55 pm

[re=389864]mikeyboypdx[/re]: What a bunch of spoil sports. They’ve already made it private. Very, very brave patriots indeed.

Downtheroadapiece August 18, 2009 at 7:57 pm
AutomaticPilot August 18, 2009 at 9:17 pm

So far, this is my favorite post:

international.harvester August 18, 2009 at 10:48 pm

My god. Even brand new immigrants are chiming in:

I come from Iran last Thursday on back of oil ship. Obama say he get me job as death panel worker? WHERE IS JOB? NO JOB!!!

-Ima Doosh

bend August 19, 2009 at 12:40 am

5676 Thomas Tytai Agreed! AGReED! Any (ANY!) of these SOCIUALISTS pretending (LIKE LIARS!) to be good dcenet Americasn businesses WILL GO BROKE. WE KNOW YOU NOW! WE SEE YOU NOW!!!!! We KNOW you from SIGHT!!!! Bewarned that this is the gratest cuntry in America and up with COMMUNISTS we shall not put!

Tundra Grifter August 20, 2009 at 11:27 am

Thank you, Wonkette! That was a blast!

My two favorites are Rufus Leaking’s “Save Glenn Beck! Save White KKKulture!” and Anita Handjob’s “They can have my Truck Nutz when they pry them from my cold dead fingers.”

Why yes, I did write both of those. Why do you ask?

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