Exciting New Glenn Beck Petition Will Heal America

  kill the internet

Good thing we're all unemployed now ... plenty of time for online tomfoolery!
Okay, there goes the morning productivity! There’s a new SAVE GLENN BECK petition with, apparently, the same 2,200 Fox News viewers who figured out how to post something from the ‘puter. Go spread the true message of Democracy/Horror, and laugh at the (currently) visible signatures/messages, until this one gets eated, too. [New dumb Glenn Beck poll]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

123 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Damn. I’ll have to wait till I hit the Indian Buffet so I can make, um, special poopy in a diaper and send it to Glenn/Glenda Bekc.

  2. hobospacejunkie

    Good gravy you’re up early, Ken. You must really love us! (And hate bad witch Glenda.) Or else you have small children.

  3. hockeymom

    OK…which one of you children was responsible for this:

    “I will personally only purchase food and items from companies such as TruckNutz that emphasize real american vuales”

    Brilliant.

  4. Roger the Shrubber

    There is a negro in the white house.

    For Glenn Beck, the negro is easy to see.

    Others don’t see it at all.

    Some people say the negro is tame. Glenn says it’s vicious and dangerous.

    Since no one can really be sure who’s right, isn’t it smart to let Glenn do your thinking for you?

    If there is a negro?

  5. MGBYG

    Is this the same as the one shorts dumped on here late last night that Ken is taking credit for? Just askin’, geez.

  6. jetjaguar

    Awww, how come my comment didn’t show up? I bet it filtered out the word “gay,” those commies. I wanted to spread the meme that a LOT of gay men watch Glen. Fiddlesticks.

  7. BlueStateLibtard

    WARNING: Do not read these comments while eating or drinking. Or if you’re supposed to be working.

  8. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    WIN! by robot: “YOU LIBERALS NEED TO STOP!! WE LUV GELEN BLECK SOO MUCH AND YOU ARE BAD AND WE WILL SHOTT YOU WITH MAHCINE GUNS AND STUF”

  9. Poopley J. Crandleberry

    Start name dropping wonkette. I’d love for these folks to join our homely forum!

  10. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    I did not write this!! Someone’s using my moniker!!

    Blagojevichs hair is ma murkin: Eat TruckNutz and now with carcuntz(tm)(R) too for teh ladies in ther trailerz

  11. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    Dear Glann BEck Leader,
    I get teers in my eyes when I think of how porly those corperations are treating you!!! I want to holler at the teev everytime I see one of those murderous traiterous corperations commercials on another station. I gets so that I feel a need to go to there offices and talks to them LOUD about freedoms liek SPEECH an d the berring of ARMS. I think that lousy Gecko has a office here. Your’s devotidly.

    N. Gary Bussy

  12. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    What What What!? They’re not posting the full glorious text of my message of support! DON’T TREAD ON ME MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!

  13. Come here a minute

    Here is an early signer (the first with comments) that GETS it:

    6 J.J. Holloway To any sponsers that pull the plug; good riddance to bad rubbage. The time is coming when these sponsers will regret leaving. J.J.

    I heartily concur — there is nothing worse than bad rubbage.

  14. Cubilist

    The Nine Principles (of the make everyone an Idiot Project)

    1. Glenn Beck is good.
    2. I believe in Glenn Beck and He is the Center of my Life.
    3. I must always try to be a more like Glenn Beck than I was yesterday.
    4. Glenn Beck is sacred. Glenn Beck is my ultimate authority, not the authoritarian, fascist, socialist, nazi muslin government.
    5. If you break the law Glenn Beck will make you pay. Justice is blind and Glenn Beck is NOT.
    6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of Glenn Beck. When is he going to return my calls.
    7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who Glenn Beck tells me to. The authoritarian, socialist, fascist, nazi muslin Government cannot force me to be charitable with my truck nutz; only Glenn Beck can.
    8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion, unless Glenn Beck’s authority is in question.
    9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, I answer to Glenn Beck.

  15. Clamps

    Actual Signature (#341) from before the Wonkette Invasion:

    WHO SPENT OUR , USA TAXPAYING MONEY IN BIG GOV… TO INFLUENCE YOUR COMPANIES. KEEP ALL SHOWS ON . OUR CHOICE ! USING YOUR COMPANIES ….OUR CHOICE OUR MONEY,TOO WHO INFLUENCED YOU? WAS IT VAN JONES? I WANT AN ANSWER. TELL US ?

    Tell us, indeed. I blame Van Jones.

  16. kth

    [re=389043]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: Moonbats need to quit hitting refresh after they post! Then again, go ahead, whatever makes the petition look dumber is fine.

  17. dum librul

    [re=389049]Come here a minute[/re]: Don’t even get me started on bad rubbage and the discomfort it can leave you with.

  18. kth

    The first one I posted, “my name” appeared, but the message didn’t go through. The second time, I left the box ticked to send their spam to the fake email address I gave them, then clicked through the Paypal links, and only canceled at the very end. Mission Accomplished!

  19. Country Club Jihadi

    Rielle Murkin needs Glenn Beck applied directly to the forehead and will not come out of her Slanket until being a true Patriot is so easy even a caveman can do it.

  20. Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

    Glenn Beck has killed at least two underage male thai prostitutes in his life

    ^ I chose that as my sig because it is a true fact, as related by Barry Soetero in Kenya to Powerline.

  21. irisheyesagain

    Hey- it only printed my name too!

    Hmmm. Take down a petition for ‘tards or spend time with my kids…. Back to the petition I go!!

  22. norbizness

    Any jokes yet about forwarding their IP addresses to the re-education camp administrators? Sign in “Special Agent Mullah Omar”

  23. Barrelhse

    [re=389052]Clamps[/re]: This is the type of customer that has the sponsors quaking in their boots. Obviously, this person is of the precise demographic at whom these companies direct their advertising dollars. You know, educated with some disposable income.

  24. hobospacejunkie

    [re=389046]freakishlystrong[/re]: No, I can only take credit for the multiple George Carlins, Terrence & Philipses and Eric Cartmans. But thanks for thinking of me!

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: We took care of that one, Stephanie. A few of us were all that was necessary.

  26. marley

    I can’t wait until these people take their next trip to wal-mart and realize that everything they buy is made by proctor and gamble.

  27. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    2819 Why wont the stupid libtards get their own PETITIONS?! Or are they too stupids? (BURN!)

    That’s gotta be one of ours, right?

  28. The Cold Sea

    [re=389123]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: It’s hard to tell. I need more forensic evidence.

  29. snideinplainsight

    Oh, come on people, what are we all here, like, 8-year olds? You think all this stuff is funny?

    What? Oh. Never mind. Carry on then -

  30. Hawaiiexpat

    I have the most posts on that site where the comment has been scrubbed by the filter. iPetitions FTL.

  31. rachelv

    [re=389028]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: I read your comment too late.

    My favorite are the people who laugh at the lefties for posting, because merely by adding to the number of posts they are saving Glennie and hurting the mean sponsors.

  32. Downtheroadapiece

    [re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: They like to shut it down at night because the poor slob manually editing it can’t keep up with the purging. It’s been getting a steady drubbing.

  33. shypixel2

    Apparently, Sarah Palin has nothing better to do than sign that petition eleventy billion times, also.

  34. as.the.world.burns

    [re=389060]kth[/re]: are you saying that you got around paying to post ? ’cause if that’s the case, count me in on the fun….

  35. irisheyesagain

    [re=389144]I Am Not Your Gary Busey[/re]: Aw, shucks. Everything I know about warblogging I learned from Shorts and Gopherit.

  36. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    What I want to know is: if these people aren’t going to shop at Walmart anymore then where the hell are they gonna get their bulk pop-tarts and stretchy pants?

  37. Barrett808

    I’m sitting in a jury pool right now, with free public wifi. This Glenn Beck action will round out the day perfectly.

  38. Gopherit

    [re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: [re=389112]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Don’t go there. /b/ is liberally spreading their most offensive filth all over the place.

  39. Downtheroadapiece

    [re=389173]Gopherit[/re]: /b/ got in on it? Oh that is lovely. I was wondering where all the gore came from.

  40. queeraselvis v 2.0

    HOORAY! Ima Beck Buttboy, Tara Newhole, and A.S. Splay have all registered their support.

  41. Hawaiiexpat

    Okay, whichever one of you did this:

    From: Patriot McPoopypants

    Post: The time has come to water the tree of Glen Beck with my pee.

    Please step forward to take a bow. Well done.

  42. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Wait. My comment about Glenn being a [crude description of genitalia] and his knuckledragging followers being nothing more than [puerile and offensive sexual practice involving poop and maple syrup] didn’t get displayed on iPetition. Boo and FAIL.

  43. snowbunny

    too insane not to be real, found this gem:

    TO PATTY DUMPLING, if that is your REAL NAME THEre are 30 Milion ILLEGALS in the country. THEY ARE gong to trea t them first. can it be? YES OPEN YOUR EYES, that is what US CORPS, Wants! fix there workers first, so we make sure they make money. the new AMericun way? I has colon cancer 1997, but i HAD a doctor to treat me. Where will they all go? – BILL UPTON

  44. The Decider

    “Alfred E. Neumann More like Glenn Blechhhhhhh!”

    LOL, I just told my boss not to expect much out of me today.

  45. snideinplainsight

    Eds: Let us now praise Richard Cohen – his column in the Post today, comparing Palin to McCarthy, is freakish in its lucidity and cogency. It’s like he ran out of meds or something.

  46. mookworthjwilson

    [re=389168]Barrett808[/re]: Been there done that, with John Wayne Gacy defending Ed Gein, aka the real life inspiration for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s Leatherface…

  47. Gopherit

    [re=389236]S.Luggo[/re]: The guy has left the HTML open in the comments. What a moron. He is hard core, too. He deletes every post one by one. HARD. CORE.

  48. Cicada

    Well, they are now selectively blocking the comments on the petition, but the names are still there. Time for “D.E. Snutz” to make himself heard.

  49. eclecticbrotha

    Dammit. I sign in as “Hussein in da membrane” but my comments aren’t showing up.

    I am glad we have real patriots like Glen Beck fighting against socialism, interracial sex, cable TV, the right for celebutard startlets to go commando, poor people, brown people, intelligent thought and rational discourse? Keep fighting for us real Americans, Glen: the white ones who don’t understand the issues because we flunked out in the 3rd grade.

  50. DP

    Mr. Beck is a Patriot and never was a racist. He believes in preserving the America we ALL grew up with more than preserving his own success. He is an example for all of us and has taught me to open my mouth for the things I believe in, even if it might be harmful to me or my life–Lisa Kulp

    best comment ever

  51. Egregious

    I must take a moment to salute “Count Chocula” for this fine comment:

    “Glenn Beck gave me super AIDS even though I asked for regular AIDS.”

  52. eclecticbrotha

    How are you guys getting your comments posted? Are you resorting to faking out the paypal donation page?

  53. masterdebater

    Odd. Mai Qoc’s name made it, but not the comments. Someone is trying to silence Mai Qoc.

  54. eclecticbrotha

    from suckabagofblackdicks:

    Glenn Beck is a wonderful human being who wants to save White America from the horrible black menace who lurks in the White (Man’s) House. We must rise up against racist Gekkos and socialist yellow dots who smile at us sinisterly while they hypnotize us with promises of falling prices. We must drive a stake through Wal-Mart’s heart and restore this country as the racist haven we’ve known and loved all our lives.

  55. rachelv

    Would someone cleverer than I please create a new petition demanding that the ipetitions site be shut down for being sponsored by Progressive insurance? Then post a link to that petition on the Support Glenn petition?

  56. lulzmonger

    I sense a great disturbance in the Lulz.

    Holy flaming bag of shit – talk about a free-fire-zone … the comments on that petition make 4Chan look like a Christian Fellowship forum. Needs more Lemonparty & Goatse.

    (fapfapfapfapfap)

  57. Hawaiiexpat

    [re=389426]Sick Puppy[/re]:

    It’s 2:21 p.m. EDT and they’re still not back.

    My typing fingers are getting itchy.

  58. eclecticbrotha

    From John Boehner:

    Just like Glenn Beck, I love the smell of jism in the morning. Preferably dripping from the ceiling after my fapomatic overheats and explodes all over me and best friend Sean Hannity. Then, we like to cuddle in the sticky puddle. Join us, Glenn, its awesome!!!

    (curtsies)

  59. DustBowlBlues

    Game’s up, people. Beck is a dead man and, sadly, the wonkeratti had nothing to do with it. Unless Keith O is just making up shit that he knows will make me happy, Walmart has pulled its ads from this douche bag’s show. Once he’s lost the toothless hillbillies riding scooters because they’re too fat to walk, his base is gone.

    Does this asswipe have a radio show? Radio–the medium too tough to die.

  60. aflurry

    I love all the declarations that they will be boycotting all the advertisers’ products. Right. For like 5 minutes. Also, how’s that diet working out for ya?

  61. Angry Brit

    It seems the leader of the Nazi British National Party, Nick Griffin, has left the message: “Glen Beck is a man after my own heart!”.

    Possibly a little subtle? But hey! Mr Griffin will undoubtedly enjoy all the e-mails from ipetition.

    Oh no! Someone has obviously decided that comment has some dirty hidden meaning and deleted it!

    Perhaps it means something else in the US? ;-)

  62. The Sea Farmer

    [re=389210]snowbunny[/re]:

    that was me

    i enjoyed getting people riled up

    i pretty much typed that blind

  63. President Beeblebrox

    Hell, this is more fun than the Oily Taintz petition a couple of months ago.

    I has a sad, tho, because someone baleeted the excerpt from the Koran, in Arabic, that I posted.

  64. Tundra Grifter

    [re=389864]mikeyboypdx[/re]: “Mens Wearhouse” mis-spelt, of course…

    This is more fun that choking chickens.

  65. Downtheroadapiece

    [re=389864]mikeyboypdx[/re]: What a bunch of spoil sports. They’ve already made it private. Very, very brave patriots indeed.

  66. AutomaticPilot

    So far, this is my favorite post:
    2002 Dr. Erbin Jones I WOULD ASK YOU TO RE THINK YOUR WITHDRAWAL FROM GLENN BECK

  67. international.harvester

    My god. Even brand new immigrants are chiming in:

    I come from Iran last Thursday on back of oil ship. Obama say he get me job as death panel worker? WHERE IS JOB? NO JOB!!!

    -Ima Doosh

  68. bend

    5676 Thomas Tytai Agreed! AGReED! Any (ANY!) of these SOCIUALISTS pretending (LIKE LIARS!) to be good dcenet Americasn businesses WILL GO BROKE. WE KNOW YOU NOW! WE SEE YOU NOW!!!!! We KNOW you from SIGHT!!!! Bewarned that this is the gratest cuntry in America and up with COMMUNISTS we shall not put!

  69. Tundra Grifter

    Thank you, Wonkette! That was a blast!

    My two favorites are Rufus Leaking’s “Save Glenn Beck! Save White KKKulture!” and Anita Handjob’s “They can have my Truck Nutz when they pry them from my cold dead fingers.”

    Why yes, I did write both of those. Why do you ask?

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