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Good thing we're all unemployed now ... plenty of time for online tomfoolery!
Okay, there goes the morning productivity! There’s a new SAVE GLENN BECK petition with, apparently, the same 2,200 Fox News viewers who figured out how to post something from the ‘puter. Go spread the true message of Democracy/Horror, and laugh at the (currently) visible signatures/messages, until this one gets eated, too. [New dumb Glenn Beck poll]

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123 COMMENTS

  1. OK…which one of you children was responsible for this:

    “I will personally only purchase food and items from companies such as TruckNutz that emphasize real american vuales”

    Brilliant.

  2. There is a negro in the white house.

    For Glenn Beck, the negro is easy to see.

    Others don’t see it at all.

    Some people say the negro is tame. Glenn says it’s vicious and dangerous.

    Since no one can really be sure who’s right, isn’t it smart to let Glenn do your thinking for you?

    If there is a negro?

  3. Awww, how come my comment didn’t show up? I bet it filtered out the word “gay,” those commies. I wanted to spread the meme that a LOT of gay men watch Glen. Fiddlesticks.

  4. WIN! by robot: “YOU LIBERALS NEED TO STOP!! WE LUV GELEN BLECK SOO MUCH AND YOU ARE BAD AND WE WILL SHOTT YOU WITH MAHCINE GUNS AND STUF”

  5. I did not write this!! Someone’s using my moniker!!

    Blagojevichs hair is ma murkin: Eat TruckNutz and now with carcuntz(tm)(R) too for teh ladies in ther trailerz

  6. Dear Glann BEck Leader,
    I get teers in my eyes when I think of how porly those corperations are treating you!!! I want to holler at the teev everytime I see one of those murderous traiterous corperations commercials on another station. I gets so that I feel a need to go to there offices and talks to them LOUD about freedoms liek SPEECH an d the berring of ARMS. I think that lousy Gecko has a office here. Your’s devotidly.

    N. Gary Bussy

  7. Here is an early signer (the first with comments) that GETS it:

    6 J.J. Holloway To any sponsers that pull the plug; good riddance to bad rubbage. The time is coming when these sponsers will regret leaving. J.J.

    I heartily concur — there is nothing worse than bad rubbage.

  8. The Nine Principles (of the make everyone an Idiot Project)

    1. Glenn Beck is good.
    2. I believe in Glenn Beck and He is the Center of my Life.
    3. I must always try to be a more like Glenn Beck than I was yesterday.
    4. Glenn Beck is sacred. Glenn Beck is my ultimate authority, not the authoritarian, fascist, socialist, nazi muslin government.
    5. If you break the law Glenn Beck will make you pay. Justice is blind and Glenn Beck is NOT.
    6. I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of Glenn Beck. When is he going to return my calls.
    7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who Glenn Beck tells me to. The authoritarian, socialist, fascist, nazi muslin Government cannot force me to be charitable with my truck nutz; only Glenn Beck can.
    8. It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion, unless Glenn Beck’s authority is in question.
    9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, I answer to Glenn Beck.

  9. Actual Signature (#341) from before the Wonkette Invasion:

    WHO SPENT OUR , USA TAXPAYING MONEY IN BIG GOV… TO INFLUENCE YOUR COMPANIES. KEEP ALL SHOWS ON . OUR CHOICE ! USING YOUR COMPANIES ….OUR CHOICE OUR MONEY,TOO WHO INFLUENCED YOU? WAS IT VAN JONES? I WANT AN ANSWER. TELL US ?

    Tell us, indeed. I blame Van Jones.

  10. [re=389043]seriesoftubescleaner[/re]: Moonbats need to quit hitting refresh after they post! Then again, go ahead, whatever makes the petition look dumber is fine.

  11. The first one I posted, “my name” appeared, but the message didn’t go through. The second time, I left the box ticked to send their spam to the fake email address I gave them, then clicked through the Paypal links, and only canceled at the very end. Mission Accomplished!

  12. Rielle Murkin needs Glenn Beck applied directly to the forehead and will not come out of her Slanket until being a true Patriot is so easy even a caveman can do it.

  13. Glenn Beck has killed at least two underage male thai prostitutes in his life

    ^ I chose that as my sig because it is a true fact, as related by Barry Soetero in Kenya to Powerline.

  14. [re=389052]Clamps[/re]: This is the type of customer that has the sponsors quaking in their boots. Obviously, this person is of the precise demographic at whom these companies direct their advertising dollars. You know, educated with some disposable income.

  15. [re=389046]freakishlystrong[/re]: No, I can only take credit for the multiple George Carlins, Terrence & Philipses and Eric Cartmans. But thanks for thinking of me!

  16. 2819 Why wont the stupid libtards get their own PETITIONS?! Or are they too stupids? (BURN!)

    That’s gotta be one of ours, right?

  17. [re=389028]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: I read your comment too late.

    My favorite are the people who laugh at the lefties for posting, because merely by adding to the number of posts they are saving Glennie and hurting the mean sponsors.

  18. [re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: They like to shut it down at night because the poor slob manually editing it can’t keep up with the purging. It’s been getting a steady drubbing.

  19. What I want to know is: if these people aren’t going to shop at Walmart anymore then where the hell are they gonna get their bulk pop-tarts and stretchy pants?

  20. [re=389110]StephanieInDC[/re]: [re=389112]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Don’t go there. /b/ is liberally spreading their most offensive filth all over the place.

  21. Okay, whichever one of you did this:

    From: Patriot McPoopypants

    Post: The time has come to water the tree of Glen Beck with my pee.

    Please step forward to take a bow. Well done.

  22. Wait. My comment about Glenn being a [crude description of genitalia] and his knuckledragging followers being nothing more than [puerile and offensive sexual practice involving poop and maple syrup] didn’t get displayed on iPetition. Boo and FAIL.

  23. too insane not to be real, found this gem:

    TO PATTY DUMPLING, if that is your REAL NAME THEre are 30 Milion ILLEGALS in the country. THEY ARE gong to trea t them first. can it be? YES OPEN YOUR EYES, that is what US CORPS, Wants! fix there workers first, so we make sure they make money. the new AMericun way? I has colon cancer 1997, but i HAD a doctor to treat me. Where will they all go? – BILL UPTON

  24. Eds: Let us now praise Richard Cohen – his column in the Post today, comparing Palin to McCarthy, is freakish in its lucidity and cogency. It’s like he ran out of meds or something.

  25. [re=389168]Barrett808[/re]: Been there done that, with John Wayne Gacy defending Ed Gein, aka the real life inspiration for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s Leatherface…

  26. [re=389236]S.Luggo[/re]: The guy has left the HTML open in the comments. What a moron. He is hard core, too. He deletes every post one by one. HARD. CORE.

  27. Well, they are now selectively blocking the comments on the petition, but the names are still there. Time for “D.E. Snutz” to make himself heard.

  28. Dammit. I sign in as “Hussein in da membrane” but my comments aren’t showing up.

    I am glad we have real patriots like Glen Beck fighting against socialism, interracial sex, cable TV, the right for celebutard startlets to go commando, poor people, brown people, intelligent thought and rational discourse? Keep fighting for us real Americans, Glen: the white ones who don’t understand the issues because we flunked out in the 3rd grade.

  29. Mr. Beck is a Patriot and never was a racist. He believes in preserving the America we ALL grew up with more than preserving his own success. He is an example for all of us and has taught me to open my mouth for the things I believe in, even if it might be harmful to me or my life–Lisa Kulp

    best comment ever

  30. I must take a moment to salute “Count Chocula” for this fine comment:

    “Glenn Beck gave me super AIDS even though I asked for regular AIDS.”

  31. from suckabagofblackdicks:

    Glenn Beck is a wonderful human being who wants to save White America from the horrible black menace who lurks in the White (Man’s) House. We must rise up against racist Gekkos and socialist yellow dots who smile at us sinisterly while they hypnotize us with promises of falling prices. We must drive a stake through Wal-Mart’s heart and restore this country as the racist haven we’ve known and loved all our lives.

  32. Would someone cleverer than I please create a new petition demanding that the ipetitions site be shut down for being sponsored by Progressive insurance? Then post a link to that petition on the Support Glenn petition?

  33. I sense a great disturbance in the Lulz.

    Holy flaming bag of shit – talk about a free-fire-zone … the comments on that petition make 4Chan look like a Christian Fellowship forum. Needs more Lemonparty & Goatse.

    (fapfapfapfapfap)

  34. From John Boehner:

    Just like Glenn Beck, I love the smell of jism in the morning. Preferably dripping from the ceiling after my fapomatic overheats and explodes all over me and best friend Sean Hannity. Then, we like to cuddle in the sticky puddle. Join us, Glenn, its awesome!!!

    (curtsies)

  35. Game’s up, people. Beck is a dead man and, sadly, the wonkeratti had nothing to do with it. Unless Keith O is just making up shit that he knows will make me happy, Walmart has pulled its ads from this douche bag’s show. Once he’s lost the toothless hillbillies riding scooters because they’re too fat to walk, his base is gone.

    Does this asswipe have a radio show? Radio–the medium too tough to die.

  36. I love all the declarations that they will be boycotting all the advertisers’ products. Right. For like 5 minutes. Also, how’s that diet working out for ya?

  37. It seems the leader of the Nazi British National Party, Nick Griffin, has left the message: “Glen Beck is a man after my own heart!”.

    Possibly a little subtle? But hey! Mr Griffin will undoubtedly enjoy all the e-mails from ipetition.

    Oh no! Someone has obviously decided that comment has some dirty hidden meaning and deleted it!

    Perhaps it means something else in the US? ;-)

  38. Hell, this is more fun than the Oily Taintz petition a couple of months ago.

    I has a sad, tho, because someone baleeted the excerpt from the Koran, in Arabic, that I posted.

  39. My god. Even brand new immigrants are chiming in:

    I come from Iran last Thursday on back of oil ship. Obama say he get me job as death panel worker? WHERE IS JOB? NO JOB!!!

    -Ima Doosh

  40. 5676 Thomas Tytai Agreed! AGReED! Any (ANY!) of these SOCIUALISTS pretending (LIKE LIARS!) to be good dcenet Americasn businesses WILL GO BROKE. WE KNOW YOU NOW! WE SEE YOU NOW!!!!! We KNOW you from SIGHT!!!! Bewarned that this is the gratest cuntry in America and up with COMMUNISTS we shall not put!

  41. Thank you, Wonkette! That was a blast!

    My two favorites are Rufus Leaking’s “Save Glenn Beck! Save White KKKulture!” and Anita Handjob’s “They can have my Truck Nutz when they pry them from my cold dead fingers.”

    Why yes, I did write both of those. Why do you ask?

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