oh boy

Joe The Plumber Was So Violent At Some Conference!

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

This guy. Here he is at the 2009 “RightOnline” conference, which took place in Hell over the past weekend. In Joe’s speech, he said that his “size twelves” ensure the edumacation of his children. He stomps on his kids when they get bad grades! He also told an AlterNet reporter that back in the day, when he would run across the likes of Nancy Pelosi, “Those kind of people I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin’ tar out of ’em.” What an unlikely success story! And this concludes your update on Joe the Plumber. [YouTube, Think Progress, AlterNet]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • slappypaddy

    plumbing the depths with joe. interesting fantasies from the reamer of shit-filled pipes.

  • Scrodd

    Aren’t we into minute 30 of his 15 minutes? I wish this overrated toilet unclogger would drown in a sewer main.

  • Fox n Fiends

    remember when this piece of shit was the benchmark for crazy wingnut? ah the good ol daze

  • DoctorCulturae

    Ah yes, “values” are taught only at home – with size twelves. Schools exist for young ‘uns to achieve “grades.” Now we know why little Johnny needs medication, is against the pubic option, and is afraid of scholiasm.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Considering that intellimigance is generally passed through DNA, those poor kids must be pulped or Joe’s got pretty low standards.

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    This is a suprise to me. I would have thought Joe leaned more toward the Socratic method.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I long for the good “ol” days when plumbers kept quiet while jumping over toadstools, also too.

  • rocktonsammy


  • facehead

    Bachmann’s future secretary of education.

  • Uncertainty Vice-Principal

    He didn’t even finish his first term as a plumber, did he?

  • orange

    But where is his AR-15?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Ah yes — Michael Vick does it to dogs and the populace rises up in outrage. Joe the Plumber does it to kids and the populace rises up and gives him an ovation.

  • JSDC007

    Guess he took the likes of Michelle Bachman behind the shed and made mad sexy love to her there.

    Then he beat the shit out of her.

  • digibal235

    Who knew? After spending five-and-a-half years in a Vietcong prison, history will still remember Walnuts for the two fuckups he unleashed on the American people.

  • Nerdalicious

    IQ = Size 12
    Pray for those kids seriously.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    What’s wrong with a guy trying to ensure his rugrats rise to the same lofty level of success as their old man?

  • Joshua Norton

    What’s even funnier is that Pelosi could stomp the crap out of Joke the Plumber. I don’t think she’s afraid to kick ass and take names.

  • The Cold Sea

    I’d take Pelosi in a fight over him any day. She’d make him tap out like a little bitch.

  • snideinplainsight

    If JTP were a British citizen, their country’s Hell-hole health care system would have declared him brain dead long ago.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Nothing fosters a love for edumakashun like getting your old man’s size 12s up your ass. Reading is FUN!!!!

  • Min

    He makes Larry the Cable Guy sound like Noel Coward.

  • jagorev

    Oh. That guy. He’s still alive?

  • Links

    Oh, the Republican dream cabinet is forming:

    Palin: Preznint, reading every paper and leading real America.

    Bachmann: VP, also preznint of crazy

    JTP: secretary of education and defense, which will be combined under his rule.

    The new wingnut who cried at Specter’s town hall and didn’t know how much she made: Secretary of Treasury

    Limbaugh: Head of FDA -better access to drugs

    Glenn Beck: secretary of state, explaining to every foreign dignitary why everything they think they know about their country is wrong, and why they are, in fact, Nazis.

    Dobbs: Head of INS keeping them brown people out.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Spare the lead pipe, spoil the child.

  • Gopherit

    Yay for child abuse! It made joe the worst fake plumber/porn star he is today.

  • ph7

    How can I join this lecture circuit?

  • Nerdalicious

    [re=388650]Joshua Norton[/re]:
    “What’s even funnier is that Pelosi could stomp the crap out of Joke the Plumber.”
    I know she is the only one with a spine in DC right now. She was refusing to back down on health reform before the recess. And they all left her in the dust. Now look what’s happening. They should have never broke for recess and let this happen. THEY LEFT HER IN THE DUST READ IT & WEEP!

  • zenferret

    Its a good thing for the GOP that they are making every effort to prevent the Democrats depicting them as violent sociopaths. Otherwise they might lose even more support.

  • Red5

    Do his kids go to a govment school? How socialist of him to send his kids to a govment run school.

  • american mutt

    He beats women? Charming.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Poor Joe, still doing the whole Sisyphean rolling-the-boulder-of-relevance up the mountain of people-who-don’t-give-a-shit-and-wish-you-would-go-away-and-STFU.

  • shadowMark

    [re=388646]digibal235[/re]: Cindy and Meghan?

  • TheGryphon

    [re=388677]american mutt[/re]: nah, kids, not women…women hit back.

  • P Drizzle

    Alternet sends an operative (read: unpaid intern) on a road trip just to confirm the painfully obvious re: this moran. Journalistic integrity FTW!

  • El Pinche

    Please Allah, brain aneurysm. I prefer slow and painful, but quick would work. Just shut him up forever.

  • slowuncle

    [re=388625]Fox n Fiends[/re]: Ah yes I remember a few short months ago when this stuttering Adonis, this nattering Norquist-channeler, appeared to be at the leading edge of the wingnut envelope…who knew we’d lurch this far (to the dummied-down right)in so short a space…

  • Snarkalicious

    I’d hit it.

  • skutre



    you mean something fucked THAT?
    I wonder if it has sobered up yet?

  • germansteel

    You’d swear these fukwads from hell have a bet on who can say the stupidest thing of the news cycle, every day of the week.

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    I wish GG Allin was still alive to stab this scumfuc in the eye with a dirty needle full of SuperAIDS.

  • DollarStorePregnancyTest

    Wait, did I miss something or did Joe the Plumber really just threaten to beat the shit out of Pelosi on live teevee?

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    I wear size 12 shoes and all that means is that it’s hard to find all models in my size.

  • Godot

    Given “Joe” the “Plumber”‘s track record with these claims, how long until we find out that this kid isn’t a straight-A student, isn’t captain of the football team, and isn’t even his son?

  • HedonismBot

    What a sad sack of crap. The GOP is a sad sack of crap for idolizing human anuses like Joe the Plumber. Tell me again how these people won the health care fight?

  • rsynnott

    The punishment?

    He shall be exiled to ENGLAND, where he will only have size 11s (due to the wacky world of international clothes sizing), and will thus be unable to use them as a rhetorical device (11 is not a good number).

    Also, he will be unable to plumb, for he knows not of millimetres!

    And then, of course, he will be killed by an NHS death panel.

  • Bruno

    I still don’t believe that he has children and is a breeder.

  • Katydid

    Now that whole “suffer the little children” thing makes sense.

    The NYT ran an article last week about states that still allow school officials to beat students. And, oh, btw, studies show that disabled kids are hit at a far higher rate. For Jeebus.

    Between 2006-2007, 200,000+ kids were beaten in 20 very Republican states. The Times neglected to break down the injuries by shoe sizes up students’ asses.

  • Native of SL UT

    Beaating women and children used to be unacceptable behavior. Now it is called the Bush Doctrine and is heralded as strength. I can see why these guys are still in charge of everything.

  • Brendan M.

    Barack Obama said practically the same thing to the NAACP a few weeks ago, when he endorsed “whooping” children. Are Wonkette and its libtard readers more upset about “Joe” saying this because in his case he means it? Hypocrites.

  • Native of SL UT

    Beating women and children used to be unacceptable behavior. Now it is called the Bush Doctrine and is heralded as strength. I can see why these guys are still in charge of everything.

  • One Yield Regular

    Thanks, Jim. We’ll look forward to your next Joe the Plumber update this time next year.

  • Don Juanquete

    Silly Joe. Shoes are for throwing at Bushes, not for stomping on babies.

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Some people say that “Brendan M.” is Joe the Plumber’s gay porn fluffer. I’m just saying…

  • Ms. Bananahammock

    “Huhuhuh, jokes about beating chicks, that’s cool, huhuhuh. Joking about kicking my kids cause they’re stupid, huhuhuh. Long live the almighty bunghole.”

    Sorry. But he’s such an assfaced moron!

    Can you believe that people pay this guy to entertanus?

  • kth

    Given his own obvious educational level, his dad must have been a “spare the Red Wings, spoil the aspiring fake plumber” kind of guy.

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    His pappy never woulda boughten no communiss “Red” Wings. He preferred the clear-cut landscape imagery of Timberlands.

  • hobospacejunkie

    His kid is an A student at a public school? Color me impressed. And what kind of parent lets their kid play organized maiming, otherwise known as football? Hardly the choice of a caring, much less intelligent, parent. However, from personal experience I can say that, in person, Joe is polite. And he doesn’t smell bad. So there’s that.

  • Tommmcatt

    Yeah, I’ve got a size twelve something-or-other for JTP right here. Though if he got anywhere near it it would immediately become about a size 3.

    Still, it’s the thought that counts.

  • OReillysVibrator

    What he means is his size 12’s do the parenting job because when his son asks him what 5×3 is he takes his shoes off to count.

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    I wanna take JTP 2 Pubic School.

  • chascates

    Is there a couple of size fourteens that can take JTP behind the woodshed and stop a mudhole in his guts for being behind on his taxes and not being licensed as a plumber?

  • Barrelhse

    I imagine Joe got his insights on education from his Dad. Joe had so many size 12’s in his ass that the shit STILL comes out of his mouth.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Well, based on Joe’s track record, what can we determine to be true in Joe’s (not his real name) life?

    1. He has never been behind, or near, a woodshed.
    2. He wears a size 10 shoe.
    3. He has no actual children of his own.

  • Marlowe

    “Those kind of people I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin’ tar out of ‘em.””

    I wish someone would beat the livin’ tar out of him!
    You betcha!

  • Scandalabra

    If I had to choose being the handler for JTP of Levi Johnston, I would go with Levi. No gay rags are clamoring for nude pics of JTP, and after Levi’s 15 minutes are up, his handlers will probably still be receiving percentage from his declining b/j fees at the truck stop in Wasilla. Hey dudes, U too can suck the peter that knocked up Willow or whatever the fuck she’s called.

  • Ms. Bananahammock

    [re=388738]chascates[/re]: My brother is a size 15, he’s also 6’7″, but he’s a wingnut so that won’t work. He believes in dictatorships over democracies. Sigh.

  • Athar

    Hey! His shoe size is exactly the same as his grade level in reading and history.

  • Athar

    [re=388778]Athar[/re]: . . . exactly the same as twice his grade level in reading and history.

  • Noonan

    We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American wayyyyy!

    PS: Pittsburgh is not Hell.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Dear Joe the (not) Plumber,
    Please keep talking and please keep distracting the idiots who would hear you speak. As long as they’re paying attention to you, they can’t do real harm.

    thank you,


  • desertwind

    Oh, thank God!

    Something I can laff at.

  • kipperthegod

    Is it just me, or is perhaps Joe a conservative comedian’s Borat? Perhaps it is too much to hope for, but much of the 2008 Republican campaign for the WH would make worlds more sense if it was revealed to be in large part performance art riffing on what was the worst eight years of “government” in the nation’s history. I have to go now, it’s time for my pills.

  • slowuncle

    [re=388790]kipperthegod[/re]: Oh crap, I just thought of something: what if The Plummer and Snowbilly Grifter Queen are just really elaborate Borat-like hoaxes and we’ve been, like, TOTALLY punkd . A whole year of mocking the clueless GOP bovines only to find we’re the ones who’ve been royally had: best psyche-out of all time!! Tina Fey, return your Emmy you are not worthy; you’ve been had just like the rest of us.

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=388661]Min[/re]: Perhaps the demise of skinny cigarettes in holders ruined Western Civilization.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=388689]Snarkalicious[/re]: with a lead pipe.

  • schvitzatura

    Hello, Lucas County Children Services? Yes, please dispatch an investigator to 355 Shrewbury Street in Holland. There is a man trying to stuff a largish, shit-covered size 12 Red Wing Model 2412 up a adolescent male child’s posterior.

    Yes’m…Yes’m, he’s a bald, media-starved douchetard…please set tasers to full voltage and max allowable amperage.

  • Can O Whoopass

    JOE, “THE OBYN wants your love”.

  • schvitzatura

    [re=388702]Katydid[/re]: It took electing a sane and humane governor (read “Democrat”) in Ohio to get the ban on corporal punishment in school in place.

    Samuel Joseph Thunderdumpunblocker will have to git on down to Ole Miss, where they beat retards (9.2%) and demi-retard children (7.5%) of twatpeens with impunity, if he still wants to practice his Size 12 workboot-meets-son child-rearing practices to the fullest, with edjumakashions support.

  • kudzu

    He’s still around? Shit! His damn 15 minutes seem to take forever.

  • glamourdammerung

    If only Not Joe the Non-Plumber had been as aggressive in paying his child support.

  • Scrodd

    This is Joe The Plumber signaling to us that he’s got a scatological fetish. Scat or fisting?

  • MzNicky

    Is there a fucking reason in hell we have to ever ever EVER hear anything else about this expired 15 minutes? Any? Ever?

  • Robert Zimmerframe

    AbstinenceOnly Ed: his resemblance to GG is frightening.

  • zhubajie

    [re=388701]Bruno[/re]: People like this breed early and often, unfortunately.

  • zhubajie

    [re=388827]schvitzatura[/re]: Does Miss still not require kids to go to school?

  • zhubajie

    I would not be surprised if Joe genuinely did abuse his children. I doubt he has the courage to actually fight an adult.

  • LoweredPeninsula

    Let’s get something straight. (Sam) Joe was just about as tall as McCain, even in his big workboots. Despite whatever his press office put out, McCain is lucky if he’s even 5’8″, anymore. Thus, something tells me that (Sam) Joe wasn’t the one dishing out punishment as a young adult unless he was picking on people even smaller than him, let alone taking people behind any kind of enclosure and beating the sentient dinosaur goo out of them.

    I know people like (Sam) Joe. I live in the state just north of his. These kind of folks are the most emotionally immature as you’ll find anywhere outside of the worst in the South. You never want to answer their crazy with equal parts crazy (if you’re even capable of that), but you do want to answer them decisively and with gusto. (Sam) Joe was a dick, is a dick, and will always be a dick.

  • house of the blue lights

    How’s that plumbing business goin’, Joe?

  • PlanetWingnuta

    AINT HE PAID OFF THAT DAMN TAX LIEN YET??? I’M TIRED OF HIM …unless his butt’s gonna be on a sling in a gay porn movie in a gang bang situation!

    I want it called LAYIN’ PIPE!

  • jetjaguar

    Sometimes, you just have to beat your children if their not smart enough. No biggie.

  • DP

    I wear size ten…so my kids aren’t as smart as Joe’s kids.