This guy. Here he is at the 2009 “RightOnline” conference, which took place in Hell over the past weekend. In Joe’s speech, he said that his “size twelves” ensure the edumacation of his children. He stomps on his kids when they get bad grades! He also told an AlterNet reporter that back in the day, when he would run across the likes of Nancy Pelosi, “Those kind of people I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin’ tar out of ’em.” What an unlikely success story! And this concludes your update on Joe the Plumber. [YouTube, Think Progress, AlterNet]

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  1. Ah yes, “values” are taught only at home – with size twelves. Schools exist for young ‘uns to achieve “grades.” Now we know why little Johnny needs medication, is against the pubic option, and is afraid of scholiasm.

  2. Considering that intellimigance is generally passed through DNA, those poor kids must be pulped or Joe’s got pretty low standards.

  3. Ah yes — Michael Vick does it to dogs and the populace rises up in outrage. Joe the Plumber does it to kids and the populace rises up and gives him an ovation.

  4. Who knew? After spending five-and-a-half years in a Vietcong prison, history will still remember Walnuts for the two fuckups he unleashed on the American people.

  5. What’s even funnier is that Pelosi could stomp the crap out of Joke the Plumber. I don’t think she’s afraid to kick ass and take names.

  6. Oh, the Republican dream cabinet is forming:

    Palin: Preznint, reading every paper and leading real America.

    Bachmann: VP, also preznint of crazy

    JTP: secretary of education and defense, which will be combined under his rule.

    The new wingnut who cried at Specter’s town hall and didn’t know how much she made: Secretary of Treasury

    Limbaugh: Head of FDA -better access to drugs

    Glenn Beck: secretary of state, explaining to every foreign dignitary why everything they think they know about their country is wrong, and why they are, in fact, Nazis.

    Dobbs: Head of INS keeping them brown people out.

  7. [re=388650]Joshua Norton[/re]:
    “What’s even funnier is that Pelosi could stomp the crap out of Joke the Plumber.”
    I know she is the only one with a spine in DC right now. She was refusing to back down on health reform before the recess. And they all left her in the dust. Now look what’s happening. They should have never broke for recess and let this happen. THEY LEFT HER IN THE DUST READ IT & WEEP!

  8. Its a good thing for the GOP that they are making every effort to prevent the Democrats depicting them as violent sociopaths. Otherwise they might lose even more support.

  9. Poor Joe, still doing the whole Sisyphean rolling-the-boulder-of-relevance up the mountain of people-who-don’t-give-a-shit-and-wish-you-would-go-away-and-STFU.

  10. Alternet sends an operative (read: unpaid intern) on a road trip just to confirm the painfully obvious re: this moran. Journalistic integrity FTW!

  11. [re=388625]Fox n Fiends[/re]: Ah yes I remember a few short months ago when this stuttering Adonis, this nattering Norquist-channeler, appeared to be at the leading edge of the wingnut envelope…who knew we’d lurch this far (to the dummied-down right)in so short a space…

  12. Given “Joe” the “Plumber”‘s track record with these claims, how long until we find out that this kid isn’t a straight-A student, isn’t captain of the football team, and isn’t even his son?

  13. What a sad sack of crap. The GOP is a sad sack of crap for idolizing human anuses like Joe the Plumber. Tell me again how these people won the health care fight?

  14. The punishment?

    He shall be exiled to ENGLAND, where he will only have size 11s (due to the wacky world of international clothes sizing), and will thus be unable to use them as a rhetorical device (11 is not a good number).

    Also, he will be unable to plumb, for he knows not of millimetres!

    And then, of course, he will be killed by an NHS death panel.

  15. Now that whole “suffer the little children” thing makes sense.

    The NYT ran an article last week about states that still allow school officials to beat students. And, oh, btw, studies show that disabled kids are hit at a far higher rate. For Jeebus.

    Between 2006-2007, 200,000+ kids were beaten in 20 very Republican states. The Times neglected to break down the injuries by shoe sizes up students’ asses.

  16. Beaating women and children used to be unacceptable behavior. Now it is called the Bush Doctrine and is heralded as strength. I can see why these guys are still in charge of everything.

  17. Barack Obama said practically the same thing to the NAACP a few weeks ago, when he endorsed “whooping” children. Are Wonkette and its libtard readers more upset about “Joe” saying this because in his case he means it? Hypocrites.

  18. Beating women and children used to be unacceptable behavior. Now it is called the Bush Doctrine and is heralded as strength. I can see why these guys are still in charge of everything.

  19. “Huhuhuh, jokes about beating chicks, that’s cool, huhuhuh. Joking about kicking my kids cause they’re stupid, huhuhuh. Long live the almighty bunghole.”

    Sorry. But he’s such an assfaced moron!

    Can you believe that people pay this guy to entertanus?

  20. His kid is an A student at a public school? Color me impressed. And what kind of parent lets their kid play organized maiming, otherwise known as football? Hardly the choice of a caring, much less intelligent, parent. However, from personal experience I can say that, in person, Joe is polite. And he doesn’t smell bad. So there’s that.

  21. Yeah, I’ve got a size twelve something-or-other for JTP right here. Though if he got anywhere near it it would immediately become about a size 3.

    Still, it’s the thought that counts.

  22. Is there a couple of size fourteens that can take JTP behind the woodshed and stop a mudhole in his guts for being behind on his taxes and not being licensed as a plumber?

  23. I imagine Joe got his insights on education from his Dad. Joe had so many size 12’s in his ass that the shit STILL comes out of his mouth.

  24. Well, based on Joe’s track record, what can we determine to be true in Joe’s (not his real name) life?

    1. He has never been behind, or near, a woodshed.
    2. He wears a size 10 shoe.
    3. He has no actual children of his own.

  25. “Those kind of people I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin’ tar out of ‘em.””

    I wish someone would beat the livin’ tar out of him!
    You betcha!

  26. If I had to choose being the handler for JTP of Levi Johnston, I would go with Levi. No gay rags are clamoring for nude pics of JTP, and after Levi’s 15 minutes are up, his handlers will probably still be receiving percentage from his declining b/j fees at the truck stop in Wasilla. Hey dudes, U too can suck the peter that knocked up Willow or whatever the fuck she’s called.

  27. [re=388738]chascates[/re]: My brother is a size 15, he’s also 6’7″, but he’s a wingnut so that won’t work. He believes in dictatorships over democracies. Sigh.

  28. Dear Joe the (not) Plumber,
    Please keep talking and please keep distracting the idiots who would hear you speak. As long as they’re paying attention to you, they can’t do real harm.

    thank you,


  29. Is it just me, or is perhaps Joe a conservative comedian’s Borat? Perhaps it is too much to hope for, but much of the 2008 Republican campaign for the WH would make worlds more sense if it was revealed to be in large part performance art riffing on what was the worst eight years of “government” in the nation’s history. I have to go now, it’s time for my pills.

  30. [re=388790]kipperthegod[/re]: Oh crap, I just thought of something: what if The Plummer and Snowbilly Grifter Queen are just really elaborate Borat-like hoaxes and we’ve been, like, TOTALLY punkd . A whole year of mocking the clueless GOP bovines only to find we’re the ones who’ve been royally had: best psyche-out of all time!! Tina Fey, return your Emmy you are not worthy; you’ve been had just like the rest of us.

  31. Hello, Lucas County Children Services? Yes, please dispatch an investigator to 355 Shrewbury Street in Holland. There is a man trying to stuff a largish, shit-covered size 12 Red Wing Model 2412 up a adolescent male child’s posterior.

    Yes’m…Yes’m, he’s a bald, media-starved douchetard…please set tasers to full voltage and max allowable amperage.

  32. [re=388702]Katydid[/re]: It took electing a sane and humane governor (read “Democrat”) in Ohio to get the ban on corporal punishment in school in place.

    Samuel Joseph Thunderdumpunblocker will have to git on down to Ole Miss, where they beat retards (9.2%) and demi-retard children (7.5%) of twatpeens with impunity, if he still wants to practice his Size 12 workboot-meets-son child-rearing practices to the fullest, with edjumakashions support.

  33. Let’s get something straight. (Sam) Joe was just about as tall as McCain, even in his big workboots. Despite whatever his press office put out, McCain is lucky if he’s even 5’8″, anymore. Thus, something tells me that (Sam) Joe wasn’t the one dishing out punishment as a young adult unless he was picking on people even smaller than him, let alone taking people behind any kind of enclosure and beating the sentient dinosaur goo out of them.

    I know people like (Sam) Joe. I live in the state just north of his. These kind of folks are the most emotionally immature as you’ll find anywhere outside of the worst in the South. You never want to answer their crazy with equal parts crazy (if you’re even capable of that), but you do want to answer them decisively and with gusto. (Sam) Joe was a dick, is a dick, and will always be a dick.

  34. AINT HE PAID OFF THAT DAMN TAX LIEN YET??? I’M TIRED OF HIM …unless his butt’s gonna be on a sling in a gay porn movie in a gang bang situation!

    I want it called LAYIN’ PIPE!

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