Michele Bachmann Will Be President BUT ONLY If God Orders Her To

  but god is a socialist

The Dementor's KissImportant World Net Daily provocateur Drew Zahn has written the puff piece from Hell about psychotic Minnesota Monster Michele Bachmann, and you must read it, to be informed about politics. The fappery begins like so: “She began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks, but today she has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill.” You had us at “Christian mom,” Zahn! But anyway, when will she be president?

Hurry up, God!

Finally, WND asked Bachmann if she could see a day when the candidate who began her political career in jeans and a holey sweatshirt would one day run for the presidency.

“If I felt that’s what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it,” she answered. “When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I’ve said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That’s really my standard.

“If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve,” she concluded, “but if I am not called, I wouldn’t do it.”

This is just how George W. Bush became president, right? “God” (his dad’s friends in the oil business) asked him to do it? Well. Let’s see if God can keep His mouth shut this time around. Not everyone can tell when you’re joking, God!

Bold, conservative Bachmann hints at ‘Mrs. President’ future [WND]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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125 comments

  1. norbizness

    I will happily airlift her district and deposit it in the South Pacific and let her be President of that, so long as they abide by nonproliferation treaties.

  2. SmutBoffin

    Great Reagan’s ghost, there is a soulless, undead horror on the front page of Wonkette! DON’T LOOK OR IT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL AND EAT YOUR CHILDREN*

    *And you thought she had all those kids just for the benefits…

  3. masterdebater

    “She began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks, but today she has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill.”

    I think she stole that from Sarah Palin. Also.

  4. Woodwards Friend

    Dear Michele,

    I told you to take up running and have sexual congress with your husband. You know, so you’d be more toned and attractive to the man who you swore (on My alter) that you’d submit too. I do not want you running for president. Retire from politics and give Mr. Bachmann more head.

    God

  5. Mahousu

    I can totally see God doing this. Because God loves America, and you always hurt the one you love.

  6. taylormattd

    Jesus, she must smoke 2 and a half packs of Capris a day with those caverns around her mouth. Or is that an anus?

  7. Country Club Jihadi

    Are You There God? It’s Me, Targaret.
    No worries. God said she’ll be Prez when Imams fly out of His ass.

  8. magic titty

    Christ she’s ugly. And as in every picture, she looks like she’s trying to get her husband to cum.

  9. uncletravelingmatt

    I hate it when god calls on me to do things. The messages are always so damned long, what with the wherefores and thous and whatnot.

  10. as.the.world.burns

    as monstrous as that picture is, and as much as i am terrified beyond belief at the soullessness in those eyes, you MUST keep using it, so that no one can say ‘i’d hit it.’

  11. scubaix

    I have never wanted to set myself on fire…until now.

    “She began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks”

    Backpacks? How much to haz a gallon of gasoline and 1 packet of matches please?

  12. Gopherit

    When the guy at the bus stop tells me Jesus is talking to him, I assume he’s off his meds. Why the fuck can these republican politicians say this shit and not be put under a 72 Hour psych hold?

  13. Terry

    “Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks”

    Honestly, these kids must be attending MUCH more interesting schools than I did.

  14. Johnny Zhivago

    “This is just how George W. Bush became president, right? “God” (his dad’s friends in the oil business) asked him to do it? Well. Let’s see if God can keep His mouth shut this time around. Not everyone can tell when you’re joking, God!”

    Funniest line ever!

  15. Rodney Badger

    [re=388257]assistant/atlas[/re]: Michelle Bachman, Sarah Palin and Katherine Harris will all run together to be co-presidentesses.

  16. iolanthe

    [re=388260]taylormattd[/re]: The British call that a “cat’s bum”.

    BTW, if you would know what Botox looks like, it looks like that picture: smooth smooth forehead, everything else basically crumbling.

    I’m older than she is. That’s happening to *my* face, too. But one of the reasons I’ve elected not to have any “work” done is that all you end up with, even with *great* work, are areas of smoothness that just, IMO, make the naturally softening/wrinkling areas nearby look worse/weirder.

    I met a 70-something studio head’s wife a few years ago who had this adorable tight little Doll Face sitting in the middle of what looked like a bowl of punched-down wrinkled bread dough.

    I’d so much rather just be wrinkly all over.

  17. Mahousu

    That is quite a skin tone Michele has going on there. Reminds me of rich Corinthian leather. I suppose that means she’ll be coming out on top in the Eugenics Wars, at least at the Minnesota League level.

  18. deutsch

    As an avowed agnostic, I “pray” every day that this hateful lunatic will stop disgracing my state and realize she is not hearing the voice of God, but a radio she left on an AM talk station, playing very softly. I also thank Theoretical God that I live in Keith Ellison’s district, so my rep is known for something other than batshit insanity.

  19. glamourdammerung

    Well, since the Christian Bible is pretty explicit about how women should not be in any position of authority above men, we all know her god’s “answer”.

  20. MarieDeGournay

    “She began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks”

    What kind of tight-ass, overly offended, moron get’s ‘concerned’ about gradeschool newspapers? What? Was there editor de Sade? Ugh. I hate her.

  21. Aloysius

    “If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve,” she concluded, “but if I am not called, I wouldn’t do it.”

    If she switches realms, does that mean she has to switch guilds, too?

  22. american mutt

    [re=388291]glamourdammerung[/re]: I like how some modern, christian, women have to play a game of cognitive dissonance to ignore the fact that god thinks they’re inferior.

  23. The Station Manager

    Well, God does have a sense of humor. It’s a pretty dark sense of humor, and, on top of that, he totally fucking hates everybody, ever. So it makes sense that this insane, raving sack of beerfarts will be totally running our planet into the ground in four (4) years.

    That said, with humans buying products like this we deserve whatever we get. “[H]alf of the population is dumber than average… Included in that are people who may have been flummoxed by existing towel technology.” –Bob Garfield

  24. montresor

    I just read the whole World Net Thingie article. I never expected to do anything like that, but thar she blows. Anyway, wow. I can see how people might believe this stuff, if they’re dumb enough, it’s so slickly presented. Never mind that it’s completely wacked out and wrong. If it appears in “print,” there’s someone who believes it has to be true. Like this one kid in my elentary school class who got a word wrong on a spelling test and insisted it was right because he saw it spelled that way in the newspaper. Dumb all over!

  25. Spiderfrommars

    I’m waiting for the mammo-a-mammo mudwrestling match to decide which comely conservative has God’s endorsement. (My money’s on Sarahbarracuda.) Best if it can be staged in the manner and on the set of a Vulcan fight to the death. Our combatants are costumed like Kirk’s hottest alien love interests, of course.

  26. iolanthe

    [re=388280]Min[/re]: Nice. I can think of so many other Bible verses I would like Bachmann and Palin to remember. Here are a couple more:

    - Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor (that includes bullshit about Death Panels, girls)

    - Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind (stir up the ‘tards, and eventually they’ll turn on *you*. The history of Christianity is rife with stories of Christian persecuting and killing other Christians.)

    And all of Matthew 25:31-46, about all the people who think they’re such hot shit on-fire believers, whom God rejects for their cruelty, pride, and obliviousness to others’ suffering.

  27. bumfug

    She must be wearing blue contacts – you can’t be that full of shit without having brown eyes.

  28. Gorillionaire

    When I worked at the emergency room, I regularly spoke to a young man who got frequent orders from God. Among these God orders were to tape a dollar bill to his forehead, to start WWIII and to “invent” punk rock. Honestly, he wasn’t that much different than Michelle. WHY ISN’T THIS WOMAN COMMITTED SOMEWHERE

  29. One Yield Regular

    I think “God” needs to start calling Congressperson Bachmann’s office to offer some advice about the realm to which she should aspire.

  30. S.Luggo

    “To Bachmann, light bulbs, the census and the dollar standard are issues simply because liberty is at stake.”
    Definitely light bulbs.

  31. AnnieGetYourFun

    I will vote for her if she continues her career wearing sweatshirts with holes in them. Strategically-placed holes.

  32. populucious

    Every time God gets a little too wasted and starts making prank phone calls, we end up with one of these loonies in office. Seriously God, unplug the phone before you toke…that’s all we’re asking.

  33. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    So, God has been telling her to act batshit crazy for the last decade?

    [re=388246]danceswithcougars[/re]: Don’t bother, they’re here.

  34. V572625694

    [re=388340]S.Luggo[/re]: That kind of exquisite crazee deserves to be brought here, despite the stench:

    Reply to Born.Again.American:
    I say, sorry, not this run Mam! The list of women serving a political post today is already to long! Yes, I agree some have done well and have had a positive impact. However; most have led us into emotional despair, not what is right, but how does it make me, or you feel. The demasculization of the United States and its MEN has to begin to stop. This country, if it survives the usurper into 2012 will need a strong male leader that the world can begin to respect and to fear again. Not since Ronald Regan have we had a leader such as that. In this time, we do not need Nancy’s, or Michele’s or Sarah’s for that matter. WE THE PEOPLE need the Mikes, the Newt’s, the Mit’s and the Ron’s to take back our country! Peace through strength, trust but verify! That must be the next stance of the next real President. Those words would carry no weight being spoken in a skirt. The world has now been forced to look at us as a sham and a mockery whose leader has gone soft, who apologizes all over the world, bows to tyrants, and wants to negotiate with terrorist. We have a secratery of state who only gets fired up when someone mistakenly says she maybe outsteped by her husband! The people need the return of Ba!!S to the nation, maybe not popular I know, but the truth hurts sometimes. Semper Fi or we loose the nation.

  35. Monsieur Grumpe

    Does anyone know if Palin and Bachmann have ever spoken to each other? The conversation between the two would be so incredibly mind numbingly vacant that those who dare to listen would have their brains reduce to pudding.

  36. finallyhappy

    [re=388293]MarieDeGournay[/re]: we have them right here in liberal Montgomery County, MD. Everything the red states have- we have- just in smaller numbers and no Republican elected officials to support them(but they bring in outsiders-FOTF and Liberty Counsel)

  37. CorkPopper

    [re=388278]Terry[/re]: Seriously, WTF? The only “character” related papers that come home in my kids’ backpacks have to do with being kind, respecting differences and not bullying. Now that I think of it, though, Michelle’s right…those messages are totally non-Biblical. I mean, those Israelites totally kicked non-Israelite ass, they didn’t get all tolerant and inclusive about it. That Jesus stuff about loving your enemies? Yeah, never mind.

  38. c-sick

    Just a regular concerned mom in jeans and a holey sweatshirt…who just happened to get her law degree from Oral Roberts University and an LLM in tax law from William and Mary. Just like all of our moms.

  39. You Will Be Towed

    “… but today she has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill.”

    Yes, if by that you mean the leading batshit-crazy whacked-out wingnut. She wouldn’t know a principle if it bit her in her surgically enhanced ass.

  40. slowuncle

    [re=388286]iolanthe[/re]: Cat’s Bum!! My god there’s been a gaping hole (no pun intended) in my vocabulary until now–Thank you so much for putting a name to this phenom which is becoming ubiquitous among these rightwing former-MILFs. By the time Palin gets her shot at Reagan’s sacred throne she’ll be sporting a world-class cat’s bum: mark my words!

  41. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=388352]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: It’d be like that Pacino vs. DeNiro scene from Heat, but minus the coolness factor.

  42. idiot son of an asshole

    [re=388346]rev_matt_y[/re]: I’d hit it too, also. Although i’d prefer to use two 2x4s nailed together, sort of like a, i dunno, a cross?

  43. The Station Manager

    [re=388350]V572625694[/re]: Great googley moogley, such open and blatant sexism sure is refreshing! I’m sure he is a very very nice man, and that he doesn’t beat the fuck out of his wife every night for not being pregnant enough.

  44. Bearbloke

    [re=388385]The Station Manager[/re]:

    “I’m sure he is a very very nice man, and that he doesn’t beat the fuck out of his wife hand every night for not being pregnant alluring enough to his penis.”

    /fxd

  45. vladster

    The neck is a giveaway every time. I’d say by those rings she’s a hundred and five. Vain bitch.

  46. Cape Clod

    What if God calls you to run for President and you fail because a majority of the people think you are a bat shit crazy idiot? I hear he does this thing called ‘smiting’ to people who piss him off. I don’t know what that involves but it sounds like he gets very Viking on you ass.

  47. RobPetrified

    Bachmann/ Palin for president in 2011!!!!
    Ted Nugent for whatever Karl Rove was elected to do, and Dr. Phil for sewergen general!
    THAT’LL be America the way America likes it, by God.
    The majority will finally rool.

  48. One Yield Regular

    “When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I’ve said yes to it.”

    So if the Lord tells you to fly an airplane into a building, you’ll do it, right?

  49. ella

    “She began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks, but today she has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill.”

    The but should be and.

  50. JooJoo Bee

    [re=388280]Min[/re]: I had little business cards printed up with three quotations from the Sermon on the Mount. I place them discreetly on the tables of people in public places (restaurants, cafes, etc.) who make a big show out of saying grace, yakking about how saved they are, and other annoying Christian stuff. The first of the three quotations is “Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father which is in heaven.” That usually shuts ‘em up right there. The *I’m* “saved” — from having to crank my iPod up to Hearing Loss to drown out all that ree lidgin.

  51. AnnieGetYourFun

    Besides, everyone knows that God would tweet, or at least SMS, such a request. Who has time to make actual voicecalls anymore?

  52. kdaddy

    When she runs for President, she’ll call forth the Zombie Undead, who will rise from their
    crypts in the millions and cast their soulless chads for the new Queen of the Underworld. This
    I believe.

  53. Tundra Grifter

    Actually, it was a Christmas-themed “holly” sweatshirt, with little red fuzzy berries…with lots of sequins and glitter and gold stuff…

  54. JooJoo Bee

    Hey. I registered over there and spoke truth to idiocy a bit. Wonder if they’ll let it through. Ain’t holdin’ my breath. In case you were wondering, the “poll” is so far going 70% in favor of Bachmann being more kick-ass hot than can be discussed in polite society. There are only a few “dear jeebus, run for your life, and fast” votes. Hmm. We raised a million bucks for Ed Twinkletoes practically overnight. This poll thang should be a cinch for a late Monday afternoon, right? Ooh. I said “cinch.”

  55. LittlePig

    concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks

    “What? They said Jesus DIDN’T ride a dinosaur?! And the Earth is BILLIONS of years old?!”

  56. chascates

    George Bush said God told him to invade Iraq. Please wait until God sends you something in writing.

  57. phildeaux

    Next thing you know she’ll be forming the Michele Bachmann Presidential Exploratory Committee for the 2010 election.

  58. as.the.world.burns

    [re=388346]rev_matt_y[/re]: [re=388377]idiot son of an asshole[/re]: these are acceptable alternatives. please continue…

  59. Justin Time

    Bet she uses songs from Bachmann-Turn-Her-Over-And-Drive for her presidential campaign theme music. Butt I could be wrong in the end.

  60. the problem child

    [re=388606]rocktonsammy[/re]: Based on the ‘stache she’s sporting, I’d guess “Daddy” likes furries.

  61. Advocatus_Diaboli

    It’s a good thing someone who believes in creationism is fighting for the right of local schools to pollute students’ minds.

  62. SendLawyersGunsAndMoney

    A one-year old crack-baby would make more sense and be a better congresswoman…and president. Someone smack her upside that snarky face with a 2×4, and I’ll urge Obama to push for a Kennedy Center tribute.

  63. Joey Ratz

    [re=388350]V572625694[/re]: Damn, that’s some high-grade assholery. However, the first thing I noticed was the eye-bleedingly awful grammar; something traumatic has clearly happened to that part of his brain where his Apostrophe Inhibitor is located.

  64. catdance

    [re=388250]Formerly Preferred[/re]: Nah, she isn’t a Mormon. They’re the only ones with holy shirts.

  65. MilwaukeeKent

    Holey sweatshirt, Batshit Crazy! You’re hearing voices!

    Real world to Bachmann: “You can talk to yourself, you can answer yourself, but when you start taking conference calls…”

    Double down GOP, her and Sarah, dream ticket…

  66. LoweredPeninsula

    “Realm”? Are you fucking kidding me? Why doesn’t she just ask us to call her ‘Fuhrer Bachmann’ and call it a day, already? Shiiiit.

  67. iolanthe

    [re=388350]V572625694[/re]: Isn’t it interesting how the exquisitely sexist American crazy sounds *just like* a Muslim Extremist crazy! I can’t figure out why these two groups of people hate each other. They have so very very much in common, except they pronounce their Big Mean Asshole God’s name differently.

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