STIFF COMPETITION FOR CINEMAX  10:47 am August 17, 2009

Tom DeLay To Perform Sexy Dance Moves On Teevee

by Sara K. Smith

What is wrong with this man?When you stop to think about it, the only thing preventing Tom DeLay from replacing Karen Finley as the world’s greatest performance artist is the fact that he has never publicly shot yams out of his ass. But now he’s doing the next best thing, which is participating in the hit weight-loss/salsa competition for pudgy Republicans, Dancing with the Stars.

That is not even a joke. Tom DeLay will appear on the next season of DWTS, the same show that briefly made Tucker Carlson famous.

Meanwhile, Rod Blagojevich can’t even appear on that dumb Costa Rica show where they eat snakes for breakfast. This just goes to show you how much the world hates Democrats.

Anyway, catch the dancing fever! The next season premieres Monday, September 21st at 8pm Eastern.

Tom DeLay Joins ‘Dancing With The Stars’ [NPR]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Pithaughn August 17, 2009 at 10:52 am

This is … I think that …
Tom Delay is doing what? Am I awake?

memzilla August 17, 2009 at 10:52 am

Not surprising that Tom goes from one side of the Fox Network to the other.

Roger the Shrubber August 17, 2009 at 10:53 am

Shouldn’t Republicans be on Mincing with the Stars? Or maybe Stancing with the Stars?

elburrito August 17, 2009 at 10:54 am

You know, I always got the sense that deLay was a … dancer.

The Church of Realism August 17, 2009 at 10:56 am

How can he dance without tripping over his white sheet?

Birdcrash August 17, 2009 at 10:56 am

Is this the “community service” portion of his sentence? Why isn’t this toxic shitbag in prison?

RoscoePColtraine August 17, 2009 at 10:56 am

Is Tom Delay really only 5’2″? It’d be funny if they could pair him up with Mrs. Obama. He could wear buckles on his dancing shoes. He’d look like a wee person from Irish lore.

qwerty42 August 17, 2009 at 10:58 am

Delay back on the teevee … history repeats itself, first as tragedy then as farce.

TGY August 17, 2009 at 10:58 am

Tom Delay is a dancer in the same sense that Rush Limbaugh is a benign father figure.

The Church of Realism August 17, 2009 at 10:59 am

But seriously, I never watched this hot abortion of a show, but I will now. I’ll be be tuning in to see the “Velvet Hamo” tear a hammy, rupture an Achilles or stroke out. And when he does, I’ll be there to laugh and laugh and laugh until I soil myself properly.

Cape Clod August 17, 2009 at 11:00 am

If I even catch a second of that, I’m going to run a telephone pole through my TV screen.

Larry Fine August 17, 2009 at 11:01 am

dancin is for sissies.

Cape Clod August 17, 2009 at 11:01 am

[re=387968]Roger the Shrubber[/re]:’Stancing with the Stars?’ Excellent.

geminisunmars August 17, 2009 at 11:04 am

I only just learned this word yesterday, and never thought I’d be using it myself, but the occasion seems to call for it: I think Delay will be “felching” with the stars. Eww. Now I need to go and wash my hands and brain.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend August 17, 2009 at 11:05 am

[re=387967]memzilla[/re]: Dancing with the Stars is on ABC. I don’t watch it, I SWEAR, but I know it’s on ABC.

I don’t know about you guys, but I hope he wins. I’m not going to watch, so let me know how it turns out.

jetjaguar August 17, 2009 at 11:08 am

There is no soul behind those dark eyes.

The Church of Realism August 17, 2009 at 11:09 am

[re=387974]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Your welcome…

WadISay August 17, 2009 at 11:09 am

Delay should be made to “dance with the one that brung him”: a 380 pound, 5’7″ white male redneck, wearing a Charleton Heston is my President t-shirt and packin’ heat.

loudmouthredhead August 17, 2009 at 11:09 am

After being used as a prison bitch, will he be the lead, or the follow?
Remember, Tom, “Ginger Rogers… etc etc…backwards and in high heels”

DoctorCulturae August 17, 2009 at 11:09 am

At signs of even the suggestion of a pelvic thrust thousands will hurl like a bulimic after a meal at Applebee’s.

Blender August 17, 2009 at 11:10 am

[re=387974]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: No shit, 5’2″ with his hair. No wonder he’s such a prick.

norbizness August 17, 2009 at 11:10 am

I was hoping he would be on a very special, unfilmed, unaired version of “Help! I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!” set to occur in the icy depths of space with no fucking helmet.

loudmouthredhead August 17, 2009 at 11:11 am

[re=387980]TGY[/re]: Nono, Rush is a benign cyst, not father figure.

nbawriter August 17, 2009 at 11:11 am

Can’t he Dance With SARS instead?

Come here a minute August 17, 2009 at 11:13 am

With luck he’ll do a “Marie Osmond” and pass out due to the strenuous nature of the dancing, smash his head, and set his family up for life with a victory in their massive wrongful death lawsuit against the network, uninhibited by Republican “tort reform” that would save the American way of life but is prevented by the evil Demrats!

Texan Bulldoggette August 17, 2009 at 11:14 am

But, but but… Tom is from SugarLand, TX & everyone there knows good Christians don’t dance because it’s like having teh sex standing up. And, egad, all those scantily clad women he will have to dance with–does this mean we get to stone him when he returns?

freakishlystrong August 17, 2009 at 11:14 am

Gerrymandering with the stars…evil fuck, that’s his MUG shot.

loudmouthredhead August 17, 2009 at 11:14 am

Wouldn’t he be more entertaining on something more punitive…like “Solitary”?

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 17, 2009 at 11:15 am

Do the audience members get to fling rotten vegetables and poo? Because that would make the Karen Finley/Tom DeLay connection complete.

S.Luggo August 17, 2009 at 11:15 am

Delay’s partner will be a 10 foot cobra. The cobra is not happy.

horned_viper August 17, 2009 at 11:15 am

Couldn’t they have asked Mark Sanford? All that hot Argentinian action probably means he already has a leg up for tango week.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 17, 2009 at 11:16 am

[re=387972]The Church of Realism[/re]: Excellent.

RoscoePColtraine August 17, 2009 at 11:17 am

[re=387997]Blender[/re]: They must have made him take his mug shot in sock feet. That’s why he’s always appeared so tall before.

V572625694 August 17, 2009 at 11:19 am

Maybe they can fake it the way they faked Richard Gere “tap-dancing” in “Chicago.”

But wouldn’t it be awesome and unspeakably weird if DeLay turned out to be a Fred-Astaire-level ballroom dancer, full of grace and poise? It’s his last chance to prove he’s not an unspeakable piece of shit who gleefully helped ruin this country.

Carrie_Okie August 17, 2009 at 11:19 am

This is lame unless there are land mines. Are there land mines? No? Lame. Also.

AnnieGetYourFun August 17, 2009 at 11:21 am

Well, to be fair, Michael Vick was too busy, so they had to take second best.

Rodney Badger August 17, 2009 at 11:22 am

[re=388006]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: He should be extremely popular with the studio audience. It is filmed within walking distance of West Hollywood, so all of Tom’s biggest fans can pop on over and show their support!

trickyrick August 17, 2009 at 11:23 am

[re=387972]The Church of Realism[/re]: so true.

He wears pesticides as an after shave lotion, so good for the skin and he can get it wholesale too.
[re=388013]V572625694[/re]: impossible.

Norbert August 17, 2009 at 11:24 am

doubters and naysayers! maybe he’s gonna show the world and funk out like Napoleon Dynamite and the whole gym is going to burst into wild applause. they do hold this show in a gym, right? then maybe he’ll do a Fatboy Slim video.

loudmouthredhead August 17, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=388014]Carrie_Okie[/re]: I was going to suggest shooting at his feet to raise his motivation level, but then you might hit his partner. What if we pair him with our favorite former-governor of AK?

El Pinche August 17, 2009 at 11:25 am

I hope he breaks a hip.

El Pinche August 17, 2009 at 11:26 am

Delay is 5’2″ ??? that motherfucker is a gnome!

kth August 17, 2009 at 11:26 am

He’s in for a surprise when he learns that line-dancing isn’t a part of the competition.

finallyhappy August 17, 2009 at 11:30 am

I have not watched it and will not watch it. Delay reminds me of the Ommpa Loompas- but from the original with Gene Wilder.

magic titty August 17, 2009 at 11:30 am

Shouldn’t he be on Three-Fifths Compromising with the Stars?

The Church of Realism August 17, 2009 at 11:30 am

[re=388024]El Pinche[/re]: and I’m doing the things a 5″2 man can do…

FMA August 17, 2009 at 11:32 am

Goddamnit, did that asshole at the Dunkin’ Donuts slip mescaline into my coffee again this morning?

Gopherit August 17, 2009 at 11:32 am

Why the fuck did I get up this morning? If this is the way the week is going to start, I’m going to hole up with some bottled water, plastic sheeting and duct tape.

memzilla August 17, 2009 at 11:33 am

[re=387989]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: I stand corrected: shows you how much prime time tee vee I watch.

I think I can claim claim partial credit, though, since Fox pioneered the genre. Along with viperous reporting and opinionating which masquerades as news.

Anonymous Office Zombie August 17, 2009 at 11:35 am

O… M…. G…

Merry Fitzmas to me.

hockeymom August 17, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=388013]V572625694[/re]: if he’s a Fred Astaire level dancer, I will eat my hat. My only question is, will he reach Kenny Mayne levels of awfulness. Because THAT would be awesome. (not that I’ve ever watched the show. A friend told me about it).

ForTheTurnstiles August 17, 2009 at 11:40 am

Karen Finley is fucking hot in a Toni Packer kind of way. And now when I think of Karen Finley I think of Tom Delay?

This is going to take several thousand dollars of psychotherapy to work out of my libido. Thanks Sara!

Native of SL UT August 17, 2009 at 11:42 am

[re=388025]kth[/re]: He probably thinks he will get lap dances. In a hot tub.
Seriously, any form of entertainment that includes demonstrating what a loser Delay is is OK in my book.

Min August 17, 2009 at 11:46 am

The Baptist section of the Republican base isn’t going to approve of this.

CorkPopper August 17, 2009 at 11:50 am

[re=387997]Blender[/re]: Holy shit, you’re right! Explains a lot. From now on, every time he acts like an asshole I will picture him swinging at Obama while Obama smiles down at him and stiff-arms his forehead. It’ll make me feel better.

ExecutorElassus August 17, 2009 at 11:51 am

I imagine him going through his whole run on the show (which won’t be the whole season, because he will be removed for the proceeding) making loud and inappropriate comments in a vain effort to conceal the fact that he’s really a pus-filled sack of infected pus.

The image that comes to mind is a gynecologist who’s been written up too many times to work anywhere but the ghetto health clinic, trying to break the tension by cracking wise with his patients. Being 5’2″ with hair just reinforces it for me.

I hope DeLay gets syphilis and dies, also.

Jim89048 August 17, 2009 at 11:53 am

With mirrors in his penny loafers, all the easier to facilitate his new youtube upskirts page.

thetalltexan August 17, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Tom Delay “has never shot yams out of his ass”…that you know of!

Country Club Jihadi August 17, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Klansing with the Tards.

imissopus August 17, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Shoot, I was hoping his next TV show would be Lockup.

geminisunmars August 17, 2009 at 12:10 pm

[re=388075]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: good play

Holding Out for a Hero August 17, 2009 at 12:21 pm

I honestly don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this news.

eleventybillionblogs August 17, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Hey…finally a vote he can’t gerrymander.

assistant/atlas August 17, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=388047]Min[/re]: Ummm….who do you think watches Dancing with the Stars? It ain’t Hollywood elites…

Not_So_Much August 17, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Key word here is “publicly”.

Links August 17, 2009 at 12:37 pm

I would prefer to see Dick Cheney on this show. He would probably end up eating his dance partner and shooting the jury, while forbidding the audience to cheer for other contestants and outing their secrets, if they refuse. He would then take over the show and declare war on American Idol.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 17, 2009 at 12:45 pm

[re=388067]thetalltexan[/re]: Okay, fess up. YOU KNOW SOMETHING. Pics or didn’t happen, dammit!

WhatTheHeck August 17, 2009 at 12:45 pm

I know a lot of fancy dancers
People who can glide you on the floor
They move so smooth but have no answers…
Cat Stevens

gjdodger August 17, 2009 at 12:51 pm

I expect him to do the Hokey Pokey, because he’s the former, and he’s going to the latter.

RoscoePColtraine August 17, 2009 at 1:09 pm

[re=388124]Links[/re]: Or die of a thunderclap heart attack in the first minute of his routine, which would make for better TV.

alzronnie August 17, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Tom won’t need a dance partner, let him do his moves with a bag of dicks, sort of like Astaire with that coat rack.

Norbert August 17, 2009 at 1:26 pm

hold me closer, tiny dancer

Accordion-o-rama August 17, 2009 at 1:31 pm

I hope he’s paired with Rachel Maddow (5′ 11″).

lawrenceofthedesert August 17, 2009 at 1:35 pm

It’s about time that DWTS got around to the Hokey Pokey. DeLay is perfect for the job — hokey as hell and belongs in the pokey. I think of him as Little Napolean with a Load in His Pants.

snideinplainsight August 17, 2009 at 1:38 pm

I reject the notion that Tom Delay is anything like a star. Unless perhaps you mean something like ‘neutron star or black hole from which no rationality or truth ever escapes.’ That would be to long for a tv show title, I guess.

SayItWithWookies August 17, 2009 at 1:42 pm

He’s not big enough for Dancing with the Stars. Then again, neither are most of the stars that show gets. Why isn’t he on Mamboing with Monsters or, since he’s from Texas, Two-Stepping with Twatwaffles?

masterdebater August 17, 2009 at 1:45 pm

Won’t work Tom. We’re still going to see you as a douche bag wingtard! This may be the worst attempt at reputation rehab I have ever seen.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 17, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Just when I thought I couldn’t have any less respect for Tom Delay, he finds a way of proving me wrong.

Accordion-o-rama August 17, 2009 at 2:42 pm

I’d love for some Photoshop genius to replace the ’5′ in that picture with a ’3′.

chascates August 17, 2009 at 4:20 pm

While wearing an Italian suit and smoking a Cohiba Esplendido no doubt. Kathryn Jean Lopez should be his partner.

Anarchitect August 17, 2009 at 5:00 pm

I’m so impressed that you know who Karen Finley is. I had no idea that Wonkette was so arty.

I saw her stick yams up her ass in the 80′s… Tom Delay would have to do something really awesome to top that for the title of “World’s Greatest Performance Artist”.

zhubajie August 17, 2009 at 6:42 pm

Isn’t DeLay some kind of Protestant Fundamentalist? What’s he doing dancing?

chascates August 17, 2009 at 6:48 pm

[re=388726]zhubajie[/re]: Correct. He’s a dancing Baptist. Or, a ‘hundred-mile Baptist.’ Meaning he acts like a Baptist only when he’s within 100 miles of his home. His religion permits lying, stealing, and treason.

LoweredPeninsula August 18, 2009 at 6:53 am

I think the tic-marks on booking measures go up by two inches. DeLay has been reported to be 5’6″, without lifts and hair, but he very well could be the 5’4″ he’s show in that photo.

Anyway, DeLay’s a Baptist. How in the hell is he going to justify dancing to his God-fearing friends? Baptists aren’t even allowed to thrust during sex, let alone cutting a mean tango.

I don’t see how he has the balls to show himself in public. This man is even worse than Cheney, and even more vain than I thought he thinks anyone wants to see his little ass on national television. Seriously, how could anyone watch him try to entertain after he ruined so many people’s lives and is unremorseful about it? Perhaps, his dancing partner should be Satan. It’s only fitting.

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