stiff competition for cinemax

Tom DeLay To Perform Sexy Dance Moves On Teevee

What is wrong with this man?When you stop to think about it, the only thing preventing Tom DeLay from replacing Karen Finley as the world’s greatest performance artist is the fact that he has never publicly shot yams out of his ass. But now he’s doing the next best thing, which is participating in the hit weight-loss/salsa competition for pudgy Republicans, Dancing with the Stars.

That is not even a joke. Tom DeLay will appear on the next season of DWTS, the same show that briefly made Tucker Carlson famous.

Meanwhile, Rod Blagojevich can’t even appear on that dumb Costa Rica show where they eat snakes for breakfast. This just goes to show you how much the world hates Democrats.

Anyway, catch the dancing fever! The next season premieres Monday, September 21st at 8pm Eastern.

Related video

Tom DeLay Joins ‘Dancing With The Stars’ [NPR]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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84 comments

  1. Roger the Shrubber

    Shouldn’t Republicans be on Mincing with the Stars? Or maybe Stancing with the Stars?

  2. Birdcrash

    Is this the “community service” portion of his sentence? Why isn’t this toxic shitbag in prison?

  3. RoscoePColtraine

    Is Tom Delay really only 5’2″? It’d be funny if they could pair him up with Mrs. Obama. He could wear buckles on his dancing shoes. He’d look like a wee person from Irish lore.

  4. The Church of Realism

    But seriously, I never watched this hot abortion of a show, but I will now. I’ll be be tuning in to see the “Velvet Hamo” tear a hammy, rupture an Achilles or stroke out. And when he does, I’ll be there to laugh and laugh and laugh until I soil myself properly.

  5. geminisunmars

    I only just learned this word yesterday, and never thought I’d be using it myself, but the occasion seems to call for it: I think Delay will be “felching” with the stars. Eww. Now I need to go and wash my hands and brain.

  6. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    [re=387967]memzilla[/re]: Dancing with the Stars is on ABC. I don’t watch it, I SWEAR, but I know it’s on ABC.

    I don’t know about you guys, but I hope he wins. I’m not going to watch, so let me know how it turns out.

  7. WadISay

    Delay should be made to “dance with the one that brung him”: a 380 pound, 5’7″ white male redneck, wearing a Charleton Heston is my President t-shirt and packin’ heat.

  8. loudmouthredhead

    After being used as a prison bitch, will he be the lead, or the follow?
    Remember, Tom, “Ginger Rogers… etc etc…backwards and in high heels”

  9. DoctorCulturae

    At signs of even the suggestion of a pelvic thrust thousands will hurl like a bulimic after a meal at Applebee’s.

  10. norbizness

    I was hoping he would be on a very special, unfilmed, unaired version of “Help! I’m a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!” set to occur in the icy depths of space with no fucking helmet.

  11. Come here a minute

    With luck he’ll do a “Marie Osmond” and pass out due to the strenuous nature of the dancing, smash his head, and set his family up for life with a victory in their massive wrongful death lawsuit against the network, uninhibited by Republican “tort reform” that would save the American way of life but is prevented by the evil Demrats!

  12. Texan Bulldoggette

    But, but but… Tom is from SugarLand, TX & everyone there knows good Christians don’t dance because it’s like having teh sex standing up. And, egad, all those scantily clad women he will have to dance with–does this mean we get to stone him when he returns?

  13. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Do the audience members get to fling rotten vegetables and poo? Because that would make the Karen Finley/Tom DeLay connection complete.

  14. horned_viper

    Couldn’t they have asked Mark Sanford? All that hot Argentinian action probably means he already has a leg up for tango week.

  15. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=387997]Blender[/re]: They must have made him take his mug shot in sock feet. That’s why he’s always appeared so tall before.

  16. V572625694

    Maybe they can fake it the way they faked Richard Gere “tap-dancing” in “Chicago.”

    But wouldn’t it be awesome and unspeakably weird if DeLay turned out to be a Fred-Astaire-level ballroom dancer, full of grace and poise? It’s his last chance to prove he’s not an unspeakable piece of shit who gleefully helped ruin this country.

  17. Rodney Badger

    [re=388006]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: He should be extremely popular with the studio audience. It is filmed within walking distance of West Hollywood, so all of Tom’s biggest fans can pop on over and show their support!

  18. trickyrick

    [re=387972]The Church of Realism[/re]: so true.

    He wears pesticides as an after shave lotion, so good for the skin and he can get it wholesale too.
    [re=388013]V572625694[/re]: impossible.

  19. Norbert

    doubters and naysayers! maybe he’s gonna show the world and funk out like Napoleon Dynamite and the whole gym is going to burst into wild applause. they do hold this show in a gym, right? then maybe he’ll do a Fatboy Slim video.

  20. loudmouthredhead

    [re=388014]Carrie_Okie[/re]: I was going to suggest shooting at his feet to raise his motivation level, but then you might hit his partner. What if we pair him with our favorite former-governor of AK?

  21. finallyhappy

    I have not watched it and will not watch it. Delay reminds me of the Ommpa Loompas- but from the original with Gene Wilder.

  22. Gopherit

    Why the fuck did I get up this morning? If this is the way the week is going to start, I’m going to hole up with some bottled water, plastic sheeting and duct tape.

  23. memzilla

    [re=387989]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: I stand corrected: shows you how much prime time tee vee I watch.

    I think I can claim claim partial credit, though, since Fox pioneered the genre. Along with viperous reporting and opinionating which masquerades as news.

  24. hockeymom

    [re=388013]V572625694[/re]: if he’s a Fred Astaire level dancer, I will eat my hat. My only question is, will he reach Kenny Mayne levels of awfulness. Because THAT would be awesome. (not that I’ve ever watched the show. A friend told me about it).

  25. ForTheTurnstiles

    Karen Finley is fucking hot in a Toni Packer kind of way. And now when I think of Karen Finley I think of Tom Delay?

    This is going to take several thousand dollars of psychotherapy to work out of my libido. Thanks Sara!

  26. Native of SL UT

    [re=388025]kth[/re]: He probably thinks he will get lap dances. In a hot tub.
    Seriously, any form of entertainment that includes demonstrating what a loser Delay is is OK in my book.

  27. CorkPopper

    [re=387997]Blender[/re]: Holy shit, you’re right! Explains a lot. From now on, every time he acts like an asshole I will picture him swinging at Obama while Obama smiles down at him and stiff-arms his forehead. It’ll make me feel better.

  28. ExecutorElassus

    I imagine him going through his whole run on the show (which won’t be the whole season, because he will be removed for the proceeding) making loud and inappropriate comments in a vain effort to conceal the fact that he’s really a pus-filled sack of infected pus.

    The image that comes to mind is a gynecologist who’s been written up too many times to work anywhere but the ghetto health clinic, trying to break the tension by cracking wise with his patients. Being 5’2″ with hair just reinforces it for me.

    I hope DeLay gets syphilis and dies, also.

  29. assistant/atlas

    [re=388047]Min[/re]: Ummm….who do you think watches Dancing with the Stars? It ain’t Hollywood elites…

  30. Links

    I would prefer to see Dick Cheney on this show. He would probably end up eating his dance partner and shooting the jury, while forbidding the audience to cheer for other contestants and outing their secrets, if they refuse. He would then take over the show and declare war on American Idol.

  31. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=388067]thetalltexan[/re]: Okay, fess up. YOU KNOW SOMETHING. Pics or didn’t happen, dammit!

  32. WhatTheHeck

    I know a lot of fancy dancers
    People who can glide you on the floor
    They move so smooth but have no answers…
    Cat Stevens

  33. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=388124]Links[/re]: Or die of a thunderclap heart attack in the first minute of his routine, which would make for better TV.

  34. alzronnie

    Tom won’t need a dance partner, let him do his moves with a bag of dicks, sort of like Astaire with that coat rack.

  35. lawrenceofthedesert

    It’s about time that DWTS got around to the Hokey Pokey. DeLay is perfect for the job — hokey as hell and belongs in the pokey. I think of him as Little Napolean with a Load in His Pants.

  36. snideinplainsight

    I reject the notion that Tom Delay is anything like a star. Unless perhaps you mean something like ‘neutron star or black hole from which no rationality or truth ever escapes.’ That would be to long for a tv show title, I guess.

  37. SayItWithWookies

    He’s not big enough for Dancing with the Stars. Then again, neither are most of the stars that show gets. Why isn’t he on Mamboing with Monsters or, since he’s from Texas, Two-Stepping with Twatwaffles?

  38. masterdebater

    Won’t work Tom. We’re still going to see you as a douche bag wingtard! This may be the worst attempt at reputation rehab I have ever seen.

  39. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Just when I thought I couldn’t have any less respect for Tom Delay, he finds a way of proving me wrong.

  40. Accordion-o-rama

    I’d love for some Photoshop genius to replace the ’5′ in that picture with a ’3′.

  41. chascates

    While wearing an Italian suit and smoking a Cohiba Esplendido no doubt. Kathryn Jean Lopez should be his partner.

  42. Anarchitect

    I’m so impressed that you know who Karen Finley is. I had no idea that Wonkette was so arty.

    I saw her stick yams up her ass in the 80′s… Tom Delay would have to do something really awesome to top that for the title of “World’s Greatest Performance Artist”.

  43. chascates

    [re=388726]zhubajie[/re]: Correct. He’s a dancing Baptist. Or, a ‘hundred-mile Baptist.’ Meaning he acts like a Baptist only when he’s within 100 miles of his home. His religion permits lying, stealing, and treason.

  44. LoweredPeninsula

    I think the tic-marks on booking measures go up by two inches. DeLay has been reported to be 5’6″, without lifts and hair, but he very well could be the 5’4″ he’s show in that photo.

    Anyway, DeLay’s a Baptist. How in the hell is he going to justify dancing to his God-fearing friends? Baptists aren’t even allowed to thrust during sex, let alone cutting a mean tango.

    I don’t see how he has the balls to show himself in public. This man is even worse than Cheney, and even more vain than I thought he thinks anyone wants to see his little ass on national television. Seriously, how could anyone watch him try to entertain after he ruined so many people’s lives and is unremorseful about it? Perhaps, his dancing partner should be Satan. It’s only fitting.

Comments are closed.