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'Hey this old man is facing Mecca!'Shocking news from the Terrorism Security Agency: All airplane terrorists would not have even existed if ONLY the TSA had crucial information from you, the person booking a flight on the Internet. What is that you say, potential terrorist? You already provide your name and your credit card and then your government-issued photo ID at the airport, to 30 or 40 different TSA employees? THAT IS NOT ENOUGH WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MUSLIM?

As of Saturday, you may (or may not, who knows!) have to provide your gender (gay) and age (uhh) when buying your little online plane tickets so you can go to New Jersey or whatever, for a funeral. Hooray!

In this way, says the TSA, the TSA will never again let terrorists get on all the planes and kill everybody, like they did that one time, before the TSA existed. Oh yeah and if you aren’t asked for your gender and age when doing the online checkout thing, don’t worry … or do worry, it is not at all clear, but the main thing is to live your life like a nervous fucking dog owned by a family of adult retarded people just yelling nonsense at all hours, and if you don’t do the “right thing” (which changes by the second) they kick the shit out of you and throw you outside, because what are you going to do about it? You’re a dog, and your owners — your GODS, really — are fat retards who can kill you at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all, the end.

New airline passenger rules to start Saturday [CNN]

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65 COMMENTS

  1. In mathematics, string metrics (also known as similarity metrics) are a class of textual based metrics resulting in a similarity or dissimilarity (distance) score between two text strings for approximate matching or comparison and in fuzzy string searching. For example the strings “Sam” and “Samuel” can be considered (although not the same) to a degree similar. A string metric provides a floating point number indicating an algorithm-specific indication of similarity. (Wikipedia natch)
    Mongke Elkan is one of these similarity metrics.

    The TSA almost certainly uses these similarity metric thingys to look up people in its Database.

    Here is a funny thing: The Mongke Elkan Distance Score for “STATION 6” and “RETRO06” is 1. In other words they are identical.
    No strip and bend over for your cavity search you Muzlin Terrist.

  2. I’m confused. Do we like the TSA world or don’t we? Security at my local airport pre-911 was run by Wackenhut which I think was also a travel agency so the symmetry was beautiful. The employees all looked more like theater ushers than security personnel and seemed to have an average age of retirement-plus-five. I recall that while my luggage was being x-rayed Gert and Mabel were usually busy discussing their worthless son-in-laws, slutty nieces or ungrateful grand-kids or maybe whether they should get their hair done even bluer next time. If the point is that a clever and determined terrorist will always find a way to defeat your security measures and so it’s pointless to be fearfully escalating those measures all the time I’m with you. But I can’t muster much nostalgia for the pre-TSA days.

  3. I have had to work with Homeland Security- it is disorganized and frequently misinformed- at least the office I work with- and this is an office that is supposed to have more smarts than TSA. I like the TSA screeners who look really hard at my photo and then back at me(it is a recent photo so that is not the reason)- as if they are really working.

  4. It’s getting better, flew ONE WAY the other weekend and was only cavity searched once, that’s better than it has been. And grandpa in the picture just might be dreaded terrorist, stop questioning authority already, we’re safe now that Obama is here!

  5. [re=385070]Uncle Glenny[/re]: As if flying weren’t already enough fun. Or any activity that requires my ID to be shown. If someone says something, I’ll just say, “hey, you asked for my gender, not my sex.” And then I will make a huge scene and be interviewed by David Shuster where I will call him a brown shirt in a spittle spewing snit of rage.

  6. [re=385074]Paterlanger[/re]: Really, it’s the same people. Their son-in-laws and ungrateful grandkids are still worthless and their nieces work the local airport Marriott bar for tricks. Mabel when with a deeper blue rinse, but Gert has pink hair now. But now, they have uniforms, guns and POWER! Stupid is as stupid does.

  7. [re=385088]adirtyrabbit[/re]: [re=385087]dum librul[/re]: Yeah; I was thinking more of just yet another place for trouble to happen.

    My own problem (I haven’t flown in over a decade) is that I can do a fair imitation of a homeless person (50s, long hair, unkempt beard) if I don’t dress up. In fact, having been on disability for 6 years, I have absolutely no decent clothes that fit. (And the way I *feel* sometimes adds to this.) I also am living cash-only now. I can just imagine how I’d go over if I had to suddenly take a flight somewhere (no doubt one-way) on short notice. Like… my increasingly frail father is hospitalized or worse.

  8. Well, since I’m 16, that’s how my life is with everything, all the time, every second. That little part at the end is EXACTLY how I feel.

  9. [re=385093]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: My preferred way. Should I be capable I can get up and walk around, there’s more than just pretzels, the toilet flushes, and there are no crying babies.

  10. [re=385099]Uncle Glenny[/re]: I walked past a man protesting in front of the White House yesterday who fit your description. His sign said something about “Agent Obama” destroying the dollar and then included a random, gratuitous mention of “Mohammed Atta” at the end, because muslin. I really wanted to ask this guy if he was out there back when the USD was worth less than the CAD, but even more than that I wanted never to be within odor sniffing distance of this individual. The latter impulse naturally won out.

  11. [re=385105]miquonranger03[/re]: It is awesome that there is a 16-year old on Wonkette. miquonranger03 for president (2032).

  12. They haven’t gone to those lengths at the website where I buy my plane tickets (yet).

    If they do, for “Sex”, I might put “Yes, please”.

    …or not. Come to think of it, I’ve never been to an airport where the security people display even a hint of a sense of humour – and they have places they can take you, and a good supply of rubber gloves.

  13. [re=385105]miquonranger03[/re]: Oh, you are making me break out in memory hives here.

    It gets better. There is college, which is fun. Then you turn thirty and suddenly all those things your parents didn’t want you doing you don’t feel are worth the trouble anyway. Then you go to burning man once and life is good again. Then you go home and realize all those boring books they made you read in school are really interesting. Then you think maybe you need a thicker drink mix book, and life is good again.

  14. [re=385091]disgustedcitizen[/re]: You’re right, of course. I can imagine the corporate wide memo that went out on 9/12. “We will no longer be contracting with various local airport authorities to provide concourse screening. So all screeners are terminated immediately. We have, however, just won a contract through our parent company Haliburton to provide training to prospective employees of the newly formed Federal TSA. Please present your pink-slips as a coupon for entry into Wackenhut’s 30 minute small-arms/rectal-probing seminars, coming to an airport Ramada near you.”

  15. [re=385131]Captain Swing[/re]: I think that is the very concern. If the airline/whackatravelmole site is too slow changing, better rent a car and buy some no-doze, you’re not gonna fly.

  16. It’s the idiot ratchet — dumb rules are proposed and sometime enacted by dumb people, but those rules can absolutely never be repealed, lest their repealer be accused of being soft on crime/terrorists/the poors, or whatever. It makes dumb people feel safer when other dumb people are doing dumb things that are so annoying that they absolutely must be useful.

    p.s. That’s the first time I’ve ever used the word “lest.” I hope it got it right.

  17. [re=385092]Potater[/re]: not true- 2 months before 9-11 mrs gleep and I joined the mile high club between Dulles and Denver- Flying was definitely fun then- now not so much-

  18. Oh, fantastic. I have a cousin who’s a TSA screener, and he’s full of stories about how awesome it is that he gets to use his petty powers to harass and threaten people (most memorably, an old lady who “tried to cause trouble”), apparently entirely unaware of everyone else’s disgust. Douchebags who take out their own insecurities on a captive audience seem to be the rule, here.

  19. I hope the TSA is prepared to set up a new SINGLES dating site for all the people whose relationships go sour when their significant others find out their real ages.

  20. [re=385079]finallyhappy[/re]: Yes!!! The Serious Beetle-Browed Scrutiny of the photo! It just gives me little safetygasms every time I see it.

    Check it:

    The last time the husband and I flew out of the US, we were required, as everyone is, to present our ID, passport, ticket, and boarding pass to at least 5 TSA people, all of whom gave us the “I Am A Hardworking Government Employee, Keeping You Safe, Which is Why I’m Glowering At You And At Your Photo” look.

    Seriously. 5 different TSA checkpoints we went through with those documents.

    Right before we stepped on the plane, I happened to glance down at my ticket and boarding pass, only to realize that we had been carrying each other’s tickets and passes (and our own IDs) the entire time.

    True fact.

    No matchy. No matchy at all.

    We each have fine old extremely gender-specific first and middle names, the kind you find in the Bible or in large traditional Catholic families. We also don’t have the same last name, because I never took his last name. (When coupled with my first name, it causes an unfortunate and retarded-sounded alliteration of the sort beloved by witty 5th graders.)

  21. [re=385188]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: You did use “lest” right, unlike my hip young Calvary Chapel pastor many years ago, who used it correctly, but pronounced it “least”, e.g. “He will bear thee up least thou dash thy foot upon a stone.”

    It rhymes with “pest”, of course.

    Totally off-topic:

    If only that had been the *only* stupid thing I ever heard that guy say. The Winner: A young man in that church, a fine high school athlete and boyfriend of the music minister’s daughter, had a lucrative after-school job that apparently involved beating the shit out of people who had not paid their drug debts. Unfortunately, this involved beating a local tweaker couple to death with a baseball bat, and then beating their three-year-old son, who had awakened during the fracas, also to death, as the kid knew the bat-wielding star athlete and churchboy. Pastor Gary’s comment on this incident? “We don’t really know what happened here. I ask you to approach this incident with an attitude of love and compassion. Families in *this church* are *hurting*! Who are we to judge? Who among us is without sin? Who here has never done anything wrong?”

    Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I have ice cream for breakfast. Sometimes I cuss at people over the Internet. Every five years or so, I lie. In my past, I’ve even strayed from my marital vows. Sure. But I really *have* managed to avoid beating a three-year-old to death with a baseball bat, and I’m a *Mommy*, so God knows, I’ve been tempted!

  22. [re=385271]iolanthe[/re]: Holy shit. That’s horrible.

    And I’ve never been tempted to beat a three-year-old to death with a baseball bat. Throw one out the window, yes. Tie one up and stuff a sock in his/her mouth, yes. But never beat one to death.

  23. That guy is not up with the times. If he didn’t have those suspenders & the prison-blue shirt, his pants would be half way to his knees, exposing his boxer breifs. He would look like a gangsta, but I think all of his oldz friends would make fun of him and banish him from bridge games.

  24. [re=385297]CorkPopper[/re]: Well, you know, the baseball-bat-wielding 17-year-old drug mobster *was* Already Saved! Seriously, the reaction of “leadership” at that church was, “Why are you all making a big deal of this? So, Chris made a mistake!”

    Horrifying. That happened shortly before I blew out of Bornagainism for good. Another straw for the camel’s back; another nail for the coffin; another disturbing insight into the “thought” processes of those who think they have a Get Out of Hell Free Card, just because they mumbled some stupid prayer of submission during a meeting once.

    And CorkPopper, you are a better parent than I. While you’re beating them, they just make *more* noise, so your strategies are clearly superior.

  25. “live your life like a nervous fucking dog owned by a family of adult retarded people just yelling nonsense at all hours”

    Are you referring to the Romneys or the Huckabees?

  26. ” U.S. airlines on Saturday will begin asking travelers to provide their birth date and sex for the first time under a new aviation security requirement, federal officials said Wednesday.”

    Well, I draw the line at providing the airlines with sex…even it it IS their first time.

  27. ERRATA: in my horrendously off-topic “churchgoing thug bludgeons 3-year-old; pastor tells us to be cool with it” story, I said it happened at Calvary Chapel. I’d forgotten that, by that time, the church was actually a Vineyard Christian Fellowship.

    Don’t want the wrong set of lawyers suing me for telling this story!

    This all happened in San Diego in the early/mid-80s.

  28. [re=385198]Gleep![/re]: Heh. Two days before 9/11, I got caught at a checkpoint with a steak knife in my carry on. Nasty looking thing, seven inch, serrated blade. (I had mistakenly left it in there from a previous trip when I had checked the bag.)

    The screener very politely asked me if I would like to have it sent down to the Alaska Air baggage processing place, so they could put it in my checked bag for me. They were going to do this for me, because they were airport employees and wanted to be nice to their customers.

  29. You’re a dog, and your owners — your GODS, really — are fat retards who can kill you at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all, the end.

    Just remember not to take the treats from Obama and you should be okay. Good dog!

  30. I haven’t flown since 2004, from NY, and it was SO insanely lax, but when we got to Japan, honey those kids were ON you. A non-english speaking customs dude was holding my large Metamucil container in the air, screaming “what is? what is”. I just said “Uh…vitamins.” Then he let me pass, and everyone there knew i was regular.
    I’m flying to London in September. I can’t wait to see what happens. I have a stoma (after cancer) and we’re permitted BY LAW to carry SCISSORS on the plane. I am going to have SO much fun. Oh yeah, and i’m skinny, bald, six feet, and a big homo. This alone will be as good as the week in London….

  31. Went through the TSA Nazi screening at Dallas a couple years back, and everything was cool I was walking away and one of the TSA gestapo stormtroopers yelled at me if the jacket they were holding was mine. I turned back to say no it was not, and this other TSA gestapo agent pulls their gun and tells me to stop or else. I am looking down a barrel of a gun! I’m yelling this TSA dude wants me, and your sticking a gun in my face?? These dudes are psycho! A matter of time, gramps here is going to get “his”. I’m surprised they don’t have the wheel chair in pieces, just in-case it is a terrorist transformer!

  32. American has a great new on-airplane internet service which lets me read Wonkette the whole flight. My sniggering also makes people think I am insane and move away from me protecting me from their pig aids

  33. [re=385443]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Some guy at Ronald Regan airport in Orange County (of course) was ready to crucify me because he thought I MIGHT have safety pins. But you with your 9″ hunting knife, no problem.

  34. If only there were some kind of numbering system that applied to the overwhelming majority of citizen travelers. Call it, I don’t know, something friendly, a “Social number”, hey its for homeland security, we’ll call it a “social security number”.

    Oh, but wait, that would require we could actually get a database up that accurately verifies an submitted name, age and SSN combinnation. Yeah, that’s far beyond the reach of today’s technology…for the federal government.

    Which is a shame. With that, 90%+ of passengers could sail through with little trouble, and security could focus on the other 10%. Not having (or not providing) an SSN is a pretty easy way to profile your problem children, and it doesn’t discriminate based on race, religion, or any other basis really other than being a US citizen who has ever held a job or had a bank account – a reasonable measure basis for a basic security profile.

  35. Shit, I was still trying to get the hang of rub-my-tummy/pat-my-head, say the alphabet backwards and jump in a circle on one foot while singing all 12 verses of the Star Spangled Banner.

    Now this!?!?

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