Wonkette
Mensa spokesman STEPHEN HAWKING, who would have been murdered with Zyklon B if he lived in the UK, was spotted lunching in DC with a group of EIGHT OTHER PEOPLE — one of whom was sporting an “American flag tank top.” Was Stephen enjoying a leisurely snack with the children of CAMP HAWKING, where campers hike, sing songs, finger paint, and theorize about quantum gravity and black holes? Or has Mr. Hawking befriended THE PRODIGY, who made the American flag tank top/shirt famous forever? …
The CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY and CONGRESS have always had a strained relationship, especially after they fought bitterly in court for custody of TERRI SCHIAVO. (Why did the CIA want to train Terri as an elite ninja assassin? That was just irresponsible.) But that’s all in the past, because Spymaster LEON PANETTA wants to turn a new (redacted) page …
Since counseling was not working, the estranged couple ingested several tablets of ECSTASY, and after fifteen minutes or so, everything became soft and sexy and really really great. Leon and Congress felt a spectacular, magical connection to one another — it was like, they should just hot glue their bodies together, and never ever let go. Then Leon apologized for that time the CIA shot JOHN KENNEDY in the head, and Congress said it was sorry for threatening to investigate ABU GHRAIB. Then they put on the THEME FROM SHAFT and got busy. Later that evening, BARNEY FRANK basically dry humped Leon to death, and Leon just stood there and took it like a man, because what else could he do? …
REP. ILEANA ROS-LEHTINEN (R-FLA) recently visited an Israeli police station in Sderot, where she perused a collection of pebbles, stones and Qassam rockets that Palestinians have thrown at the small town over the years. Ros-Lehtinen then took a tour of the local ISRAELI WHITE PHOSPHOROUS FACTORY. “So it goes.”
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
“So it goes.”
Or, “Po-tweet”?
I thought Stephen Hawking lived in England and therefore, was dead.
I *knew* Stephen Hawking was really an American! No Brit would hang out with someone wearing an American flag shirt.
I’m also pretty sure he’s faking needing that wheelchair, just so he doesn’t have to constantly sign autographs for physics geeks.
Tell Stephen Hawking to leave baby Trig ALONE!!!
When the tupelo
Goes poop-a-lo
I’ll come back to youp-a-lo
Stephen Hawking is super wealthy and lives in England and yet he still receives health care, so their socialism is not doing its job. Depose Chamberlain, the appeaser bastard!
if stephen hawking actually is alive, I want to see an un-signed long-form raised-seal copy of his death certificate, otherwise i am calling shenanigans on this one.
WOW! Thanks for steering me to my newest favorite group, The Prodigy.
My daughter will die of embarrassment.
Kingbee: Does she live in the UK? Cos if so, the NHS might kill her first…
Camp Hawking? Isn’t that where they have the daily re-creation of the Big Bang?
Stephen Hawking is hawt. I want him to violate me with his little control straw. Mrwar!
I apologize for my language. When I said “violate”, I meant “butt-fuck”. Sorry.
“Po-Tweet” — nice. Altho he’s probably shitting himself in his grave and rolling over in the shit.
What? No polymorphously perverse finger-banging between Leon, Barney, and the rest of Congress? FAIL, Riley.
queeraselvis v 2.0: The Aristocrats!
I have no idea what half of this was about but I loved it. Thanks Riley!
Sounds just like the Flintstones.
I bet Hawking raped Trig with his computer speakers.
Indeed, ’so it goes.’ Keep up the good work.