• May 26, 2012
CHARACTER TURNS

August 7, 2009

Meanwhile, In The Latest Issue Of Parade Magazine…

by Jim Newell  

“Want me to hug some Mexican kids and write inspirational shit about Obama’s childhood? You know my price.” [Mediaite]

{ 60 comments }

4tehlulz August 7, 2009 at 2:31 pm

“Always keep a hard copy of your original certificate, just in case.”

Mahousu August 7, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Oh, sure, we know his price. I’ll bet those poor kids didn’t, though.

4tehlulz August 7, 2009 at 2:33 pm

“No, not just your birth certificate, all certificates, because you never know when some teabagging dochebag on TV will challenge your credentials.”

Godot August 7, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Watch out, Barry! He acts like your friend now, but when you least expect it he’ll hit you from behind with a steel chair! That’s how these things always turn out!

Clamps August 7, 2009 at 2:36 pm

“Parade magazine? You read PARADE magazine?”

AKAM80TheWolf August 7, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Hey Why’d you delete that last posting. I was going to comment on how genius the alt-text of ‘class=”center”‘ but the link went all 404 on me.

LemonPie August 7, 2009 at 2:36 pm

That picture is too creepy…thanks for the nightmares

slappypaddy August 7, 2009 at 2:37 pm

can he teach mine to stand up straight and get his ass back in school? cuzz i’ve about given up.

Vewol Mevemont August 7, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Replace the “kn” in the photo caption with a “c,” and then this makes sense. A lot of sense.

Cape Clod August 7, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Did they find the four homeliest kids available so as to make Bill look relatively handsome by comparison?

Godless Liberal August 7, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Good Christ, normally I use Parade to wipe my ass with, but I’m not sure my this week’s copy will be worthy of my dingleberries.

drrty martini August 7, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Is Bill fucking with me? Stop fucking with me Bill! At least the cropped the loofah out of that picture.

El Pinche August 7, 2009 at 2:41 pm

WHY IS OREILLY POSING WITH ACORN!!? WHAT HAVE YOU LIEBURALS DONE WITH OUR BILLO!?

freakishlystrong August 7, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Shit, he’s a Bold, Fresh Piece of something. That goes without saying….

SayItWithWookies August 7, 2009 at 2:41 pm

This is what they call on the internets a Denial of Credibility attack. Probably from Iran or North Korea.

SmutBoffin August 7, 2009 at 2:41 pm

When I think “advice on child development”, I think O’Reilly. No wait, I mean “nasty fucking neck-fat”, not “child development advice”.

le petit mort August 7, 2009 at 2:42 pm

“Always keep a loofah handy.”

Advocatus_Diaboli August 7, 2009 at 2:42 pm

So now ORLY’s in the tank? Great. Don’t we get to vote on who can get in the tank?

orange August 7, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Why does he have an erection?

pat robertsons personal trainer August 7, 2009 at 2:43 pm

so O’Reilly asked Limbugh for his travel agent’s number and how to get in touch with some young strange? the first lesson, kids, this is a loofah. quit crying!!! we’ll do it live!!!

My choice. My Wonkette. August 7, 2009 at 2:43 pm

“The beauty of America is that you can go anywhere with hard work and a little bullshit. Want to have the number one show on cable news? Want to found a business but don’t have a penny to your name? Want to be president but you’re not a citizen? Well, how bad do you want it?”

Atheist Nun August 7, 2009 at 2:45 pm

“Don’t actually tell people to kill gynecologists, just dehumanize them, call them murderers, and subtly infer that they should be shot. That way, you can always deny your involvement later, when they are shot by one of your lunatic fans who can read between the lines. Oh, and be sure to learn the difference between a falafel and a loofa.”

american mutt August 7, 2009 at 2:46 pm

If anybody knows the youth and knows Obama it’s Bill Orly.

hockeymom August 7, 2009 at 2:49 pm

“Mommy, please don’t make me sit next to that scary man. He smells old and yucky.”

Min August 7, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Uh-oh. I can’t see Bill’s hands.

4tehlulz August 7, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=381043]Atheist Nun[/re]: Yeah, “Lesson Four: Incitement” was a little unusual for an column aimed at kids.

TGY August 7, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Suffer little children…

gurukalehuru August 7, 2009 at 3:00 pm

WTF??

OnTheLoose August 7, 2009 at 3:01 pm

They must have given him so much hummus

Hooray For Anything August 7, 2009 at 3:04 pm

I think we’re missing the point, here. The point is that we are now living in a world in which Bill O is now considered to be the sane conservative voice out there.

PlanetWingnuta August 7, 2009 at 3:09 pm

was o’reily having his “friend” in him while he was taking this picture?

sorry for the visual. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztttttttttttttttttttttttttttt!

takes12no1 August 7, 2009 at 3:10 pm

oh yes. This…this…guy has written books on advice for kids. My kids’ nice old but ignorant “grandparents” gave my kids a copy of one, I promptly threw it in the trash.

PlanetWingnuta August 7, 2009 at 3:10 pm

and hey that lil girl on the left has her arm on his leg…oh noez…someone call Chris Hansen!

GreatOldOnesParty August 7, 2009 at 3:14 pm

[re=381080]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Mother of god… I don’t even know what that means, but it aint nothin good.

Cape Clod August 7, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=381080]Hooray For Anything[/re]: OK. We’re in Bizarro World now.

BlueStateLibtard August 7, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Since when do hard knocks early in life help kids? Maybe if you mean it helps them become bitter, cynical, and anti-social, yeah it helps them.

jetjaguar August 7, 2009 at 3:27 pm

That photo could only be more creepy, more contrasting, if it was Cheney in the center.

queeraselvis v 2.0 August 7, 2009 at 3:28 pm

[re=381034]orange[/re]: You bastard.

PoliticalGraffiti August 7, 2009 at 3:29 pm

the irony is that lesson 2 is respect

rocktonsammy August 7, 2009 at 3:48 pm

King Douche Bags own kids won’t pose with him.

geminisunmars August 7, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=381080]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Good Lord. You’re right. I’m feeling vertiginous.

Rusty Shackleford August 7, 2009 at 3:56 pm

See, that right there is why I don’t bother reading the Sunday paper anymore.

geminisunmars August 7, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=381090]takes12no1[/re]: I took my granddaughter to a bookstore and told her she could get several books, anything she wanted. She picked out his book (her parents are nice, but idiot adherents of Fox – don’t just blame us olds) and I let out an involuntary gasp of disgust and dismay. What a dilemma. Let her make her own choices or censor her ass. Being the librul wuss that I am, I let her get it, thumbed through the book later and found it as reprehensible as I thought it would be. BTW granddaughter is sweet teenager who is bright, and I’m hoping that she’ll be able to rebel against her wingnut folks when she gets away from them. In the meantime my husband and I are trying to model sanity for her.

Snarkalicious August 7, 2009 at 4:00 pm

[re=381020]drrty martini[/re]: Can’t see his hands, but you can follow the angle of his arms. Cropped? No. Harvested? Perhaps.

coastingdownhill August 7, 2009 at 4:12 pm

And BillyBob sayeth thusly: That man had no fatherly guidance, is of mixed race, and had no family connections to guide him into the world of national politics. That adds up to one simple truth that every American child should be told: “If Barack Obama can become the President of the United States, then whatever dream you may have can happen in your life.”

Or the simple truth that maybe all that right wing “family values” blahblah is vapor.

The Station Manager August 7, 2009 at 4:22 pm

Okay, so Billy is now writing for a Gay Pride magazine? What is the meaning of all of this madness?

Snidely August 7, 2009 at 4:37 pm

The girl on the left IS named Loufa.

Mr Blifil August 7, 2009 at 4:39 pm

That’s nothing compared to what O’Reilly can teach Obama’s daughters.

Paul Tardy August 7, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Wow hard knocks early in life prepare a child for both defeat and victory. I guess POTUS really is helping those Paki-Afghani-Pashtun-whatever kids. Which one do you suppose he is preparing them for defeat or victory?

hobospacejunkie August 7, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Who knew Parade, of all publications, was capable of an Onion-like spoof?

As soon as that photo shoot’s over he goona fuck them little kee-ids.

thebeatgoeson August 7, 2009 at 5:42 pm

[re=381013]LemonPie[/re]: My first feeling upon seeing that photo, also. I need some steel wool to scrub my mind’s eye.

populucious August 7, 2009 at 6:10 pm

After the picture was taken, he stole all the kids’ bus money and told ‘em to walk their asses home: “It’s hard knocks kids…it’s good for ya…you’ll thank me later you pussies.”

showmeonthedoll August 7, 2009 at 7:55 pm

Please tell me that image is photoshoppped.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 7, 2009 at 8:42 pm

“Never take falafel into the bathroom, it just makes a mess.”

PineyWoodster August 7, 2009 at 11:21 pm

It’s like a Norman Rockwell painting … in that alternate universe where Spock has a beard …

nader paul kucinich gravel August 8, 2009 at 12:43 am

Pure Unadulterated PSYOP
Fade away all ye Propaganda Rags
Fox AIPAC Neocon O’Reilly can not be rehabilitated

Left and rights of passage, black and whites of youth.
Who can face the knowledge that the truth is not the truth?
Obsolete absolute.

Anthrax Intimidation.
JFK RFK MLK Malcolm.
Israel-first dual-nationals.
InfoWars on a PrisonPlanet?
A very RawStory on PressTV.
Whistle-Blower leaks multiply.
Beware the divide and conquer.
Both parties are corrupt to the core.
Honesty compassion conscience guts.
Speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil?
Elite Ruling Class Greed or “public servants”?
Independents agree on more than we disagree.
AIPAC 9/11 Bankers Extortion Blackmail Bribery.
Wall Street Bailout Bill: Bush McCain Obama et al.
Poodles, Puppets, Sham debates, & Scam elections.
Has the Government & Propaganda Media lied to you?
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Chronic lying as career path, intellectual prostitution for paycheck.
DNC & RNC have both sold out the country in order to enrich themselves.
Future of a Nation that can not trust the Government & Propaganda Media?

Realignment of American Politics:
Anderson Baldwin Carter Choate Clemente Gonzalez Gravel Kaptur Kucinich McKinney Nader Paul Perot Sheehan Ventura

OReillysVibrator August 8, 2009 at 2:49 am

[re=381174]geminisunmars[/re]: Fear not – in high school, I watched Fox, and even bought The O’Reilly Factor. It was mostly about not trusting Hillary Clinton and Jesse Jackson, and now, I’m ultra-far-left, hate O’Reilly to the extent I named my handle after his penchant for sodomy, and twice a week mail a letter to Mr. Jackson offering to blow him! (I think the teenage years watching Fox warped me a bit).

lulzmonger August 8, 2009 at 11:14 pm

Wow, I’m actually tearing up a little over here … this is truly heart-warming.

The article? Ahh, who gives a shit. No, I’m glowing like Baghdad at the start of Shock & Awe(TM) from imagining all the no-holds-barred TOUGH LOVE that Bill-O will now be subjected to by his Freeper/Birther/Bircher buddies, once they catch wind of his now-obvious man-whoring “bipartisan” tendencies.

I sure hope your loofah’s infused with some weapons-grade anti-inflammatories, Bill-O. Your Wingnut Credit Score just went to UNDER -9000!!!!!

Mr. Spanky August 9, 2009 at 1:25 pm

I saw this in my local fish wrapper (The Orlando Sentinel) and thought it was some kind of hoax to gin up the Sentinel’s rapidly-falling circulation.

Bill-O just gift-wrapped Olbermann a week’s worth of material!

Foolitics August 9, 2009 at 6:31 pm

Michelle Malkin – Stupid, Racist or Both
http://msmpost.com/news/127/ARTICLE/1351/2009-08-08.html

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