Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
People, have you seen the famous terrible violent movie this summer, where the Batman is yelling angrily at the robots who became sentient and killed us all? And then also the other similarly terrible movies about the robots that are also cars, and also self-aware? Well, what if something like that were to happen, except instead of awesome robot cars, they were POLITICAL CARTOONS? Obviously, it would be significantly less terrifying and box-office-tastic, and it would look a little something like THIS.
These two doomed clowns, like the existential protagonists of snooty intellectual plays, are aware of their own nature as part of a narrative concept. That’s right: they know they’re in a political cartoon! Frankly, if I knew I were in a political cartoon, I’d weep in terror, because I’d know that I’d soon be in line to be molested by an elephant or donkey furry, depending on the artist’s inclinations. But unlike Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who raged against their own fictional status, these guys seem to be all into it. “Haw, haw, look, I’m the Republican because I’m interpreting this broken down car (which is itself a symbol standing in for the abstract concept that is a government program) as the Health Care, and I’m wearing a hat! And you’re the Demmycrat because you think it involves evil lobbyists. Hot damn, being a character in a political cartoon is awesome!” Laugh it up, guy, right up until the layers of symbols upon symbols become completely impenetrable, and then your newspaper goes bankrupt, and you vanish into the narrative ether.
Having learned how popular alliterative government programs that give out money to take away terrible garbage are among drawings of political archetypes, President Obama is looking into other programs that might raise hopes while getting rid of crap. Here he considers paying people to take away their crumbling shanties and, uh, nuclear warheads? Sure, that makes sense. Anyway, Obama is being guided through his decision-making process by his sinister svengali and Chief of Staff, Heat Miser, who has lost some weight and stopped dyeing his hair in the years since his appearance in the beloved Rankin-Bass Year Without a Santa Claus special. He’s still no doubt plotting evil of some sort, so don’t be too seduced by his cheerful posters, Mr. President!
Now, before any of you start scrutinizing that caricature of Heat Miser Rahm for anti-Semitic elements, let me remind you what an actual anti-Semitic cartoon looks like. In this charming entry from the Arab News in London, the heroic FBI is wrassling a sinister Jew octopus! Or, maybe the Zionist-controlled FBI is expressing its Hebrophilism by dry humping the Haredi cephalopod’s tentacle. Who can say? Anyway, you can tell the sinister Semite is evil here because it’s wearing a robber’s mask, like the Hamburglar. Oh, and also because it’s a giant fucking octopus.
In the U.S. we would never dehumanize someone in this way, unless we elected them! Here we can see that a rogue Congressman has been captured and is being ridden around like a horsey. You perverts probably think that this is some kind of sick S&M thing, but I think the poor man is simply being used as transportation — a cheaper version of a Segway, if you will. The cheeky individual riding the poor legislator even refers to him as a “beast”! They can speak English, you know. Insults like this will just make them angrier, and they’ll take it out on the rest of us by making everything fun illegal and taking away our health care. Don’t be mad at me, Mr. Congressman! I never wanted to ride you like a horsey or call you a beast!
Man, remember the good old days, the mid-’90s? Bill Clinton still does! Back then, with Clinton in the White House and Gingrich running the Congress, political discourse was calm and rational, and we all discussed the issues sensibly, on their merits! Also, Clinton was getting blown by interns, constantly. It seems that, in pulling off his daring rescue of those two nice journalist ladies in North Korea, Bill’s gone mad with power and has flashed back to his days as president, with all the fellatio. Sorry, Li’l Kim, but when Bill Clinton leans back in his chair like that, there’s really only one way to get rid of him!
Meanwhile, Al Gore is dressing up in a clown outfit and Harry Reid (?) is dressing up in a dog fursuit and they’re teaming up to fight crime leap out and make scary noises at random people. But who am I to judge? Whatever floats your boat, kids! Don’t let nothin’ stop ya!
The fourth wall dissolves. Soon Superman will use his x-ray vision to check out your junk while you read.
Chuck Asay (last comic) is an Asshat-ay. Also.
Al Gore & Harry reid ar furries….who would have thunk it?
Nuclear warheads offer a sound return on investments once they are used.
Climate Change Deniers? Oh, please, that is SO six months ago. Where’s the cartoon of the black cop menacing a little old white lady at a town hall meeting about healthcare? Get current, man.
Wow, I am way out of touch on anti-Semitic symbolism. When I saw the pigtails, I immediately assumed it was supposed to be a cute schoolgirl octopus bandit, which the FBI guy was trying to “arrest” as part of some weird role-playing sex game.
I might need to cut down my Internet dosage levels a little.
Leopolt: You’re so right about “Chuck” Ass-hay. He perfectly expresses the crazed right-wing Government-is-evil-except-for-military-pork zeitgeist of his hometown, Colorado Springs, and its unbelievably terrible newspaper, the Galoot-Pornograph.
Leopolt: Soon Superman will use his x-ray vision to check out your junk while you read.
Done and done.
I like the mean Jew octopus, but I’m not sure why…the phallic element, maybe?
“Oh, and also it’s a giant fucking octopus with a head shaped like a penis.” There.
Actually, I thought there were a couple of gems in this week’s crop. The Bill Clinton in Korea thing may well be how it went down. And some sort of cash incentive for businesses to renovate slum areas might not be a bad idea at all.
The first one, though, was borderline retarded.
Oh, and Mel Martinez is resigning to spend more time with his family. BS. (stands for something other than bullshit)
I’m more worried about the children’s dolls which are robots.
Think Chucky. And think about locking the knife drawer.
The rising sea level will float all boats.
I like how cartoonist Chuck Asay is never funny, ever. I want a job where i’m never doing my job, ever.
I’d weep in terror, because I’d know that I’d soon be in line to be molested by an elephant or donkey furry - Oh no. Sometimes when I know I’m dreaming and falling I tell myself to just enjoy the sensation of falling because it’s a dream and nothing bad can happen. Now, damn it, I’m going to spend the day wondering if I were aware I was in a cartoon about to get skritched or yiffed or whatever would I tell myself to just enjoy it because it’s a cartoon and nothing bad can happen?
Since Chuck Asay has been around since I was a wee mite living in CS CO, they’re either A. recycling old cartoons (let’s be honest, the guy just serves up endless variations on about five topics, ad nauseum; it would be a cinch to pull something he wrote 12 years ago, tweak the names and run it as a new comment) or B. he made a pact with the devil to live forever. Personally, I think the devil sets his bar a bit higher than Asay, so I’m going with choice A.
Mahousu: WIN.
WHAT IS THAT on top of the car in the first cartoon? It looks like a furious sea worm. Why does it jiggle so?
gurukalehuru: The first one, though, was borderline retarded.
That’s what passes for pithy editorial comment here in Arkansas.
That’s not an antisemitic cartoon; it’s just concept art for tentacle hentai.
I salute Chuck Assey for recognizing our stolid, brave, resolute, unflappable
holocaustclimate-change deniers. (Also, dim, ignorant and easily misled.)Dammit, Josh, I was formulating a Heat Miser joke, then I read yours. We’re completing each other’s thoughts now. I guess this means we’re married, married long enough for the sex to be infrequent and stale.
That’s right, I’m having an affair.
If anyone is aware of their status as fictional characters, it’s Lucky ansd Pozzo in the fourth cartoon…
Nikolai Vsevolodovich Stavrogin: Well, shall we go? Yes, let’s go.
Wait, there isn’t actually a new Batman movie is there?
You know, ever since he got his Bar Mitzvah money, Cthulu hasn’t been coming out to Temple any more? I told him, don’t give me that “when the stars are right” drek, I said “you drag your tentacled, incromprehensible, cyclopian monstrous form out of a nightmare realm to Bthe synagogue this Saturday, or so help me I don’t know what I’ll do.” But you know, what can I do, he’s just like his father?