Wonkette
Professor of Hispanic Studies NEWT GINGRICH — known in academia for his celebrated dissertation on RACIALISM — has taken on new intellectual pursuits, namely: comparing stuff, like JIMMY CARTER and BARACK OBAMA. “There are certain parallels that are kind of eerie,” says Professor Gingrich. “For example, Jimmy Carter enjoys half and half in his coffee, but Barack Obama is half and half! Jimmy Carter only served one term. And maybe Barack Obama will only serve one term, if I keep comparing him to Jimmy Carter” …
Socialist fledgling UNITED STATES OF AMERICA has been feeling pretty glum lately. And dumb. And fat and lonely and racist and who knew it was so easy to overdose on Demerol? Nobody knew. Well! Turn that frown upside down, because BOOKMAKER.COM is offering 2:1 odds that SARAH PALIN will divorce her lousy husband, TODD — see? Sarah Palin is a secret husband secessionist! Wagering on human relationships, over the INTERNETS? We’re back, baby! …
Yesterday was BARACK OBAMA’S birthday! Did you take advantage of the numerous President’s Day cash-for-clunkers blowout sales? Deals deals deals. But guess who also claims to be born on August 4? Crazy old lady columnist HELEN THOMAS, that’s who! The ancient Hearst fossil, who lives deep within the LA BREA TAR PITS, spent her 89th birthday with Barack Obama, and a platter of gourmet cupcakes. Yes, poor Barack spent his birthday feeding cupcakes to Helen Thomas, with a spoon. He tried to chat amiably with her, but the President does not speak SANSKRIT. Only Muslim.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
Woo-hoo, ExGILF will soon be available!
according to Alex Jones and his racial analysis of President NOBAMA, we do not have a black president, or half black. He’s actually 4% black and 900% Arab. Newt is just too new world order to get this.
Oh and Alex said if Obama is black, then Alex is native american. I love all these nuts. I love them so much. I love the Internet whereby I can hear Texas nuts on free streams in surround sound.
Countdown to the appearance of Helen Thomas’ Kenyan birth certificate: 3.. 2.. 1..
Helen is old and cranky I love her.
Palin WILL get her own FOX reality show.
So it is written, so shall it be.
So if Obama’s the current Carter, who’s the next Reagan? It seems that’s a role Gingrich is pondering. “It is something that I will look closely at in January 2011,” he said.
And the American people will look at you, you fat philandering hypocritcal lying douche bag, and say, “No, thank you! We tried your policies, and your wonderful Contract with America, and it ran the country into the dumper. But we appreciate your offer. Please come back when you have something to offer besides a shriveled panniculus.”
He only speaks Muslin.
The cupcakes for Ancient Helen is payback for not ever calling on her during pressers.
V572625694:
President Newt?
Nope. Don’t care for it.
Newt thinks he’s Ronald Reagan in his analogy — when in reality, he’s a slightly more secular Lamar Alexander.
Monsieur Grumpe:
Don’t worry. It’ll be a cold day in hell that they even run that gasbag. Too much personal baggage.
I ain’t dating Palin no matter what. Beyotch gets pregnant if you just look at her.
2:1 Odds, offered by Bookmaker.com, that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, will divorce in 2009.
If they really believed all their family values rhetoric they would just stay married and fuck other people. Right, Governor Sanford, Senator Ensign, Senator Vitter and Governor Spitzer?
Yikes, she’s old enough to be my Granamaymay.
Gourmet cupcakes and brown mustard. Why can’t Mr. Fancy Pants eat costco cupcakes like a real American? Shouty Hillbillies want to know.
Helen Thomas is half-living proof that in America, one can resemble Bea Arthur’s overly-made-up vagina and still score front row seats at the White House. Brassy broads with brains, for the win!
SayItWithWookies: Newt Gingrich isn’t even the next Newt Gingrich at this point.
CNN kyra phillips questioned if thomas would report without bias after gobbling Obama’s cupcake.
Isn’t she the chick who left her microphone on during the Bush state of the union and took a peepee during it?
GreatOldOnesParty: I think Octomom has got that genre’ sewn up…V572625694: “shriveled panniculus.” is today’s “guano faucet”…
SayItWithWookies: I propose a solution for this Republican politician cheating problem. Howzabout the RNC start a good ole swingers convention for all these horny conservatives to fuck each other and keep it quiet? And they can eat fried chicken and smoke afterwards so they can be a little bit you know, black-ish, and Michael Steele will celebrate his influence.
SayItWithWookies: What about Wide Stance? Is the deal nullified if the extramarital relations are of the ‘mo variety?
Celebrity divorces are too predictable; rumor, Nat Enq, denials, door-slamming, lawyers, kids on the weekends.
It is well known that Obama has a secretary named Carter, while Carter had a secretary named Obama.
Plus both loved them some chocolate love, in their hearts.
By the way, Riley, I’ve been meaning to ask, is that your photo, or a photo of a young Joe Gideon?
josereyes.theroof: Oops — my apologies for forgetting tired old hypocritical Republican queens.
Another strange coincidence is that both Carter and Obama are alive. I’m sure one of Newt’s fans will fix that though.
V572625694: No, Reagan and Newt made strong by asserting American power! You know, by withdrawing the Marines from Lebanon after the barracks bombing instead of bombing the shit out of ‘em, by sending weapons, cakes and Bibles to our arch-enemies in Iran, and by allowing the U.S. to become even more dependent on Arab oil. USA! USA! USA!
McDuff: that was supposed to be “No, Reagan and Newt made AMERICA strong by ….”
The funniest thing to happen in years is Bill Clinton picking up two chicks on an Asian sex tour and we have nowhere to make jokes. Whatsupwiththat.
Pirate King of the Jews: Ohh, you’ve got it wrong. Real U.S. Murricans don’t shop at Costco, that’s the Democratic superstore. Flag-pin-wearers shop at Sam’s Club. The Waltons need the money.
SayItWithWookies: It’s not a divorce when Sarah does it, it is saving the marriage by ending it…
AIPAC Neocon Gingrich v Peacemaker Carter
Props to Helen
She knows the score ~
Alex Trebeks Girl: I think Helen peed during the state of the union,too. On the rotunda carpet. And I think she might have been peeing while Barry fed her cupcakes smeared with liverwurst.
I hope she is here in another 90 years.
“ExGILF will soon be available!”
dude, she’s like, 89.
All black Americans are half-and-half. Black America is the real melting pot.
Zhu Bajie
V572625694: Gingrich is dumb enough to have sex with a reporter from notorious British tabloid the Sun.
Zhu Bajie
Alex Trebeks Girl: Isn’t that what the C Street Church and Frat House is about?
Zhu
facehead: Newt has fans?
Shu
Oldskool: Well, I hope they did get a chance to show their gratitude, but we’ll never know for sure. Bill seems to prefer blondes.
Zhi
Newt Gingrich is like a talking head, only much lower down.
And now I want Oreos.
Zubajie, multi-quote, dude. Multi-quote.