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WAGG THE BOG

Professor Newt Pontificates, And Obama Feeds Helen Thomas Cyanide Cupcakes

Personality Parade!Professor of Hispanic Studies NEWT GINGRICH — known in academia for his celebrated dissertation on RACIALISM — has taken on new intellectual pursuits, namely: comparing stuff, like JIMMY CARTER and BARACK OBAMA. “There are certain parallels that are kind of eerie,” says Professor Gingrich. “For example, Jimmy Carter enjoys half and half in his coffee, but Barack Obama is half and half! Jimmy Carter only served one term. And maybe Barack Obama will only serve one term, if I keep comparing him to Jimmy Carter” …

Socialist fledgling UNITED STATES OF AMERICA has been feeling pretty glum lately. And dumb. And fat and lonely and racist and who knew it was so easy to overdose on Demerol? Nobody knew. Well! Turn that frown upside down, because BOOKMAKER.COM is offering 2:1 odds that SARAH PALIN will divorce her lousy husband, TODD — see? Sarah Palin is a secret husband secessionist! Wagering on human relationships, over the INTERNETS? We’re back, baby! …

Yesterday was BARACK OBAMA’S birthday! Did you take advantage of the numerous President’s Day cash-for-clunkers blowout sales? Deals deals deals. But guess who also claims to be born on August 4? Crazy old lady columnist HELEN THOMAS, that’s who! The ancient Hearst fossil, who lives deep within the LA BREA TAR PITS, spent her 89th birthday with Barack Obama, and a platter of gourmet cupcakes. Yes, poor Barack spent his birthday feeding cupcakes to Helen Thomas, with a spoon. He tried to chat amiably with her, but the President does not speak SANSKRIT. Only Muslim.

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com


2:37 PM on Wed August 5 2009
By Riley Waggaman
3187 Views

  1. OzoneTom says at 2:41 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Woo-hoo, ExGILF will soon be available!

  2. Alex Trebeks Girl says at 2:42 pm, August 5th, 2009

    according to Alex Jones and his racial analysis of President NOBAMA, we do not have a black president, or half black. He’s actually 4% black and 900% Arab. Newt is just too new world order to get this.

    Oh and Alex said if Obama is black, then Alex is native american. I love all these nuts. I love them so much. I love the Internet whereby I can hear Texas nuts on free streams in surround sound.

  3. Accordion-o-rama says at 2:42 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Countdown to the appearance of Helen Thomas’ Kenyan birth certificate: 3.. 2.. 1..

  4. engulfedinflames says at 2:44 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Helen is old and cranky I love her.

  5. GreatOldOnesParty says at 2:45 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Palin WILL get her own FOX reality show.
    So it is written, so shall it be.

  6. V572625694 says at 2:48 pm, August 5th, 2009

    So if Obama’s the current Carter, who’s the next Reagan? It seems that’s a role Gingrich is pondering. “It is something that I will look closely at in January 2011,” he said.

    And the American people will look at you, you fat philandering hypocritcal lying douche bag, and say, “No, thank you! We tried your policies, and your wonderful Contract with America, and it ran the country into the dumper. But we appreciate your offer. Please come back when you have something to offer besides a shriveled panniculus.”

  7. Speed Ball says at 2:48 pm, August 5th, 2009

    He only speaks Muslin.

  8. chascates says at 2:50 pm, August 5th, 2009

    The cupcakes for Ancient Helen is payback for not ever calling on her during pressers.

  9. Monsieur Grumpe says at 2:51 pm, August 5th, 2009

    V572625694:
    President Newt?
    Nope. Don’t care for it.

  10. SayItWithWookies says at 2:54 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Newt thinks he’s Ronald Reagan in his analogy — when in reality, he’s a slightly more secular Lamar Alexander.

  11. Tommmcatt says at 2:55 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Monsieur Grumpe:

    Don’t worry. It’ll be a cold day in hell that they even run that gasbag. Too much personal baggage.

  12. hiphophitler says at 2:57 pm, August 5th, 2009

    I ain’t dating Palin no matter what. Beyotch gets pregnant if you just look at her.

  13. SayItWithWookies says at 2:59 pm, August 5th, 2009

    2:1 Odds, offered by Bookmaker.com, that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, will divorce in 2009.

    If they really believed all their family values rhetoric they would just stay married and fuck other people. Right, Governor Sanford, Senator Ensign, Senator Vitter and Governor Spitzer?

  14. Diskoh says at 2:59 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Yikes, she’s old enough to be my Granamaymay.

  15. Pirate King of the Jews says at 3:00 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Gourmet cupcakes and brown mustard. Why can’t Mr. Fancy Pants eat costco cupcakes like a real American? Shouty Hillbillies want to know.

  16. Extemporanus says at 3:02 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Helen Thomas is half-living proof that in America, one can resemble Bea Arthur’s overly-made-up vagina and still score front row seats at the White House. Brassy broads with brains, for the win!

  17. Manos: Hands of Fate says at 3:08 pm, August 5th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: Newt Gingrich isn’t even the next Newt Gingrich at this point.

  18. Alex Trebeks Girl says at 3:09 pm, August 5th, 2009

    CNN kyra phillips questioned if thomas would report without bias after gobbling Obama’s cupcake.

    Isn’t she the chick who left her microphone on during the Bush state of the union and took a peepee during it?

  19. freakishlystrong says at 3:10 pm, August 5th, 2009

    GreatOldOnesParty: I think Octomom has got that genre’ sewn up…V572625694: “shriveled panniculus.” is today’s “guano faucet”…

  20. Alex Trebeks Girl says at 3:10 pm, August 5th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: I propose a solution for this Republican politician cheating problem. Howzabout the RNC start a good ole swingers convention for all these horny conservatives to fuck each other and keep it quiet? And they can eat fried chicken and smoke afterwards so they can be a little bit you know, black-ish, and Michael Steele will celebrate his influence.

  21. josereyes.theroof says at 3:14 pm, August 5th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: What about Wide Stance? Is the deal nullified if the extramarital relations are of the ‘mo variety?

  22. Oldskool says at 3:22 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Celebrity divorces are too predictable; rumor, Nat Enq, denials, door-slamming, lawyers, kids on the weekends.

  23. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 3:22 pm, August 5th, 2009

    It is well known that Obama has a secretary named Carter, while Carter had a secretary named Obama.

    Plus both loved them some chocolate love, in their hearts.

  24. Lionel Hutz Esq. says at 3:23 pm, August 5th, 2009

    By the way, Riley, I’ve been meaning to ask, is that your photo, or a photo of a young Joe Gideon?

  25. SayItWithWookies says at 3:43 pm, August 5th, 2009

    josereyes.theroof: Oops — my apologies for forgetting tired old hypocritical Republican queens.

  26. facehead says at 3:51 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Another strange coincidence is that both Carter and Obama are alive. I’m sure one of Newt’s fans will fix that though.

  27. McDuff says at 4:08 pm, August 5th, 2009

    V572625694: No, Reagan and Newt made strong by asserting American power! You know, by withdrawing the Marines from Lebanon after the barracks bombing instead of bombing the shit out of ‘em, by sending weapons, cakes and Bibles to our arch-enemies in Iran, and by allowing the U.S. to become even more dependent on Arab oil. USA! USA! USA!

  28. McDuff says at 4:30 pm, August 5th, 2009

    McDuff: that was supposed to be “No, Reagan and Newt made AMERICA strong by ….”

  29. Oldskool says at 4:33 pm, August 5th, 2009

    The funniest thing to happen in years is Bill Clinton picking up two chicks on an Asian sex tour and we have nowhere to make jokes. Whatsupwiththat.

  30. Jukesgrrl says at 4:36 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Pirate King of the Jews: Ohh, you’ve got it wrong. Real U.S. Murricans don’t shop at Costco, that’s the Democratic superstore. Flag-pin-wearers shop at Sam’s Club. The Waltons need the money.

  31. SayItWithWookies: It’s not a divorce when Sarah does it, it is saving the marriage by ending it…

  32. nader paul kucinich gravel says at 6:48 pm, August 5th, 2009

    AIPAC Neocon Gingrich v Peacemaker Carter

    Props to Helen
    She knows the score ~

  33. liquiddaddy says at 9:21 pm, August 5th, 2009

    Alex Trebeks Girl: I think Helen peed during the state of the union,too. On the rotunda carpet. And I think she might have been peeing while Barry fed her cupcakes smeared with liverwurst.

    I hope she is here in another 90 years.

  34. Robert Zimmerframe says at 10:20 pm, August 5th, 2009

    “ExGILF will soon be available!”

    dude, she’s like, 89.

  35. zhubajie says at 1:26 am, August 6th, 2009

    All black Americans are half-and-half. Black America is the real melting pot.

    Zhu Bajie

  36. zhubajie says at 1:27 am, August 6th, 2009

    V572625694: Gingrich is dumb enough to have sex with a reporter from notorious British tabloid the Sun.

    Zhu Bajie

  37. zhubajie says at 1:29 am, August 6th, 2009

    Alex Trebeks Girl: Isn’t that what the C Street Church and Frat House is about?

    Zhu

  38. zhubajie says at 2:19 am, August 6th, 2009

    facehead: Newt has fans?

    Shu

  39. zhubajie says at 2:23 am, August 6th, 2009

    Oldskool: Well, I hope they did get a chance to show their gratitude, but we’ll never know for sure. Bill seems to prefer blondes.

    Zhi

  40. Newt Gingrich is like a talking head, only much lower down.

    And now I want Oreos.

  41. LoweredPeninsula says at 5:44 am, August 6th, 2009

    Zubajie, multi-quote, dude. Multi-quote.

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