DAILY BRIEFING  8:30 am August 5, 2009

Al Gore Saved Those Ladies (By Asking Bill Clinton)

by Sara K. Smith

  • Why did Bill Clinton travel to North Korea to get those two journalists freed? Because his old flame Al Gore asked him to. [AP]
  • Thanks to the “cash for clunkers” program, car dealers have something new to complain about: a lack of inventory. [USA Today]
  • Suck it, Amazon! Sony has a $199 e-book reader. [Reuters]
  • Speaking of sucking it, Republican senators have tendered this polite request to Hispanic voters regarding the historic nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. [Washington Post]
  • California prisons must cut their inmate populations by, uh, ONE QUARTER, so that the remaining three quarters won’t die due to overcrowding. [New York Times]
  • Hello there, Russian submarines! What are you doing there off our Eastern coast? [Reuters]
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4tehlulz August 5, 2009 at 8:44 am

Obviously, they’re here for the remake of _The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!_ starring John Bolton, Orly Taitz, and Keanu Reeves.

Naked Bunny with a Whip August 5, 2009 at 8:46 am

Bill did what Al asked (because Al still has those pictures), but he flew over on a coal-powered jet in protest.

widget09 August 5, 2009 at 8:48 am

We will not vote for that spic judge until we see Barrack NObama’s birf certificate.

Mahousu August 5, 2009 at 8:49 am

[re=378538]4tehlulz[/re]: No, they’re hoping the cash-for-clunkers program will be extended to them. They’d like to trade theirs in for a few Virginia class models.

Monsieur Grumpe August 5, 2009 at 8:55 am

Y’all brown people are welcome to our Big Tent™ and all; just make sure you use the back flap. Thank ya kindly.

Dreckster August 5, 2009 at 8:59 am

Hmm. I wonder how the ladies expressed their gratitude to Willie on that loooong flight home.
Albeit well-deserved.

PoliticalGraffiti August 5, 2009 at 9:04 am

“as a proud latina, i solemnly vow to follow the honorable precedence established by barack obama, hillary clinton, condoleeza rice, alberto gonzalez, and a long list of others who have repeatedly demonstrated that a more multi-cultured, gender balanced, diverse government can just just as efficient, ruthless, and cruel in its quest for global domination as any government solely composed of rich white men” – sotomayor

Terry August 5, 2009 at 9:07 am

Dubya, Rove, and the neo-cons are gnashing their teeth this morning. Despite Clinton’s flaws and the massive campaign that was run against him, old Bill still rocks.

hobospacejunkie August 5, 2009 at 9:08 am

[re=378538]4tehlulz[/re]: That sounds more like a remake of Bad News Bears II.

Cape Clod August 5, 2009 at 9:12 am

[re=378538]4tehlulz[/re]: No, one of the subs is trying to defect and the other is trying to blow them up. I understand the defecting captain has an inexplicable Scottish accent.

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2009 at 9:19 am

Hunt For Red October II: The Next Generation

“We will pass through the American patrols, past their sonar nets, and lay off their largest city, and listen to their Jonas Brothers… while we conduct missile drills, relive the good old days of being a Potemkin village superpower and as I speak in a Russo/Scots accent.”

norbizness August 5, 2009 at 9:21 am


slavojzizek August 5, 2009 at 9:23 am

I welcome our new Russian overlords. Good vodka, beautiful wimmin… Plus there government seems to know how to get things done these days.

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2009 at 9:24 am

Al Gore: Hi Bill. How ya doing?
Bill Clinton: Fine, Al. Hils been outta my hair. Yeehaw!
Al Gore: This isn’t a social call. I need a favor from you. BTW, is this a secure line?
Bill Clinton: Jeezus! Every time I get out, they pull me back in! Yes, damnit this is a goddamned secure line. I’m really too old for this shit, Al.
Al Gore: Don’t worry Bill. You won’t have to kill anyone this time.
Bill Clinton: Good. So what’s the job?
Al Gore: I need you to help two ladies…
Bill Clinton: Done.
Al Gore: You don’t even know what the job is or where it is!!
Bill Clinton: Don’t care. I heard two ladies and you can send me to North Korea for all I care, Al.
Al Gore: *Chuckles*

DoctorCulturae August 5, 2009 at 9:33 am

My fantasy is the two journalists go in for a check-up in LA and have no health insurance to cover them. President Hopey holds a press conference with Bill quietly by his side. Then Hopemeister says “The continuing poor state of health care will not stand.”

WadISay August 5, 2009 at 9:46 am

[re=378543]Dreckster[/re]: There was a lot of talk about “de-briefing” Clinton when he got back.

Katydid August 5, 2009 at 9:52 am

Isn’t it obvious? When Sarah Palin decides to rear her head, where does she go? Russia. Where she fancy pageant-walked to, secretly, in the ’80s, and met Soviet-era spy Oily Taint, and made plans for the eventual overthrow of one Barack Hussein Obama, knowing, as did Obama’s ancestors, that he would one day be illegimately elected preznit. Now all the elements are in place, and the loons are coming home to roost, off our Eastern shores.

Oily and Sarah are at this moment on one of those subs, secretly meeting with Putin’s head, also, plotting their next moves to take over and install the legitimate gubbmint, because, as Oily puts it, the Constitution decrees that the Supreme Court should order a stay, jail Obama, put Biden in charge for 2-3 months, until they can organize a special election and legally elect a new preznit. (I’m not making up that last part, that was in one of Oily’s many “legal” pleadings.)

Terry August 5, 2009 at 9:57 am


Can’t de-brief him. He’s a boxer guy, when he’s not going commando.

BadKitty August 5, 2009 at 10:08 am

RE: Russian subs. Sorry. My bad! I threatened to send one Ms. Orly Taitz back to Russia. It seems they don’t want her either.

Dreamer August 5, 2009 at 10:12 am

President Clinton was so classy in the press conference, I think everyone who was angry with him about the election thing will fall in love with him now. The world does not hate democrats, I mean if they invade countries like Clinton did, they are not dicks about it. They don’t seem like they relish the whole killing thing. Try sending GHWB and his idiot son anywhere and see what happens.

Terry August 5, 2009 at 10:19 am


If Dubya over, Lil Kim would be aiming at Tokyo about now.

jesusbutter August 5, 2009 at 10:20 am

Oh SKS, you are the only reason I get up in the morning.

TGY August 5, 2009 at 10:32 am

Ok, can we discourage people from sneaking into North Korea and/or Iran, now? It’s retarded. Also, can we squash the media frenzy around their return in advance? Except for the nude spreads forthcoming in Playboy, of course.

Carrie_Okie August 5, 2009 at 10:34 am

I think it is important to keep the whole Korean situation in the proper context.

Cape Clod August 5, 2009 at 10:35 am

[re=378549]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Alec Baldwin plays Jack Ryan again only this time with his screwball sidekick, Sarah Palin, played by Tina Fey.

kth August 5, 2009 at 10:36 am

Republicans to Hispanic voters: chinga tu madre!

MARCdMan August 5, 2009 at 10:38 am

[re=378538]4tehlulz[/re]: They are here to poke their tv antennas up close enough to get the news about Paula Abdul leaving idol in HD.

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2009 at 10:42 am

Isn’t that pretty much the GOP response to all voters who aren’t rich?

[re=378610]Cape Clod[/re]:
1st Officer Kenneth the Intern?

TGY August 5, 2009 at 10:43 am

[re=378615]MARCdMan[/re]: Perhaps they just nipped over the Great Pond to borrow a cup of economy.

Cicada August 5, 2009 at 10:48 am

The hilarious part about Sotomayor is that she’s so damn middle of the road. The only thing the Republicans could get worked up over was her “reverse racism”. So they opposed the first Latina nominee on the most racially divisive topic possible. They should have just picked her apart for some minor ideological difference, then opposed her on that.

I guess I should be happy that the GOP are such blatant douchebags, but this is just pathetic.

graceless August 5, 2009 at 10:56 am

North Korea’s foreign ministry recently called Secretary of State Hillary Clinton a “primary school girl” vulgar and unintelligent. She was out of her depth.

So they were rewarded with Bill Clinton’s presence. These girls happened to work for Al Gore. Does nobody else see a conspiracy? This whole thing was a staged situation, for the betterment of the actors, Clinton, Gore and Kim. It cost the US.

BTW, are there no other Americans in somebody else’s prison right now?

graceless August 5, 2009 at 11:01 am

[re=378607]Carrie_Okie[/re]: No wonder the North Koreans think of Hillary Clinton as an unintelligent vulgar primary school girl. Good for us, for rewarding that name calling by a former president’s visit.

Conspiracy anyone?

Cicada August 5, 2009 at 11:07 am

[re=378628]graceless[/re]: Oh, for fucks sake. Really? This is what you’re going with? REALLY?
A good thing happened. It was accomplished by people you don’t like ideologically. Get over it.

Or better yet, go find a way to get on national Teevee so you can spew your sad little rabbit turds of wisdom while they replay the footage of Ling and Lee tearfully reuniting with their families. Do it for your country, man!

kth August 5, 2009 at 11:15 am

[re=378640]graceless[/re]: no, but thanks for asking.

DemmeFatale August 5, 2009 at 11:23 am

[re=378640]graceless[/re]: Bite me.

zenferret August 5, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=378640]graceless[/re]: No conspiracy. You douche.

It was pretty much a perfect ending to the story.

No official ogvernment involvement.
Embarrassing to Republicans that people they hate (CLinton, Gore and Obame) won.
Bill Clinton is back in the spotlight in a very big positive way.
Obama gets a problem solved and looks good.
Gore gets a problem solved and looks good.
Bill Clinton had a long flight with two hot grateful chicks.

Jim89048 August 5, 2009 at 11:25 am

[re=378552]slavojzizek[/re]: beautiful wimmin…
SRSLY? Two words: Oily Taint. Ewww…

Snarkalicious August 5, 2009 at 11:39 am

Strangely enough, all of these issues can be best interfaced with variously sized bags of reefer.

DoctorCulturae August 5, 2009 at 12:27 pm

[re=378640]graceless[/re]: If you think diplomacy is a conspiracy then yes, conspiracy. I know this must be difficult to imagine since there has been almost no diplomacy for 10 years. But yes, people talking and sensitively communicating through back channels to bring out change that helps both parties. Ye gods, conspiracy!

Holding Out for a Hero August 5, 2009 at 12:32 pm

[re=378628]graceless[/re]: Appropriate user name I must say.

trickyrick August 5, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=378628]graceless[/re]: Bill went over to tell Kim “Heard you wuz talkin ’bout my wife.”. so Bill was the only one who could threaten the little cult leader. No one lost anything, buddy. You want to say that to the families of these young reporters, hhheenngghh?

It was a win/win.
Bill gets to talk some smack and Al gets his employees back to work.
Everyone else knows li’l Kim is still teh suck.

oh, and graceless, eat a bag of dicks.

Norbert August 5, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Obviously action man Vladimir Putin strayed slightly off course:


liquiddaddy August 5, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Why can’t the trolls ever say anything that is actually funny in a deliberate way? Not like John Boulton’s mustache-funny or George Bush’s taunts of condemned prisoners, but an ironic or humorous combination of words designed to make humans laugh?

Lazy Media August 5, 2009 at 10:19 pm

Al Gore, the ultimate wing man, is STILL setting Bill up with fine pussy.

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