Wonkette
BAM! Sucker, now resign, or be impeached, because you are a bird now. “WHAT BIRDS LIVE TO BE 48?” doubters like Dave Weigel will ask, and all we have to say is, do you have anything that looks *more* legitimate, excluding that “short-form abortion car registration & title” or whatever it was that Robert Gibbs sent the Daily Kos’ Kos last year? Exactly. Congratulations to human Mike P. who sent in the document for our Wonkette Contest. Mike wins a Wonkette T-Shirt! E-mail us, Mike, so we can clothe you! As for you other *losers,* sorry. Let’s show some other finalist submissions (demi-losers) below.
Oh well look at this, “Mark” sends us a picture of a giraffe. WE GET IT, GIRAFFES ARE FROM AFRICA, LIKE THE BLACKS. “Mark” is a racist!
“MjP” knows who fabricated all of Orly Taintz’s terrible fake Obama birth certificates: that guy from teevee, the hippie painter, who is probably dead! (?)
“Ray S.” sends us a creepy porn letter that Bill Clinton sent him. Get over it Bill! Do your own dirty laundry!
Ha ha ha, of course. Did you know that “Dollar Bill” Jefferson’s trial just finished its fourth day of jury deliberations? “Teresa M.”’s revelation here could complicate things.
Veteran commenter-chieftain “SayItWithWookies” is worried about dipping into cliche here, and thus wants to whine to everyone about all the detail he put in: “I’d just like to point out the flowers that spell out Birfers, and the visages of Rev. Lou Dobbs, Rush Limbaugh, Ayn Rand, Michele Bachmann, the All-Seeing Eye from the United States Seal and Priss the replicant from Blade Runner. Oh, and a KKK hood that I almost forgot was there.” Whatever, but fyi: we need to use the term “replicants” much more if we want to remain a proper nerd site.
“r-deen” gives us the top “Sure, why not, here’s one of those cat things” entry of the contest.
“Mo Miller, Mo Problems” goes with fancy bookish Science here, and is thus banned from all further Wonkette contests.
Thanks to everyone else who participated in this contest of vague guidelines! Happy birthday to Barack Obama! Your editors have sent the White House its annual gift of Myrrh.
Bird is the Word. Pappa-oo-mow-mow.
Orly Tights says that the MSM is wrong about Kenya. It became a planet in 1963! Lazy media as per usual under the umbrella of brownshirt and Stalin.
Bob Ross has indeed gone on the little trees in the sky. And good job, Say It WIth Wookies! I’d like that on a T-shirt.
There’s no raised seal on that bird certificate.
Just sayin’.
Well, the 45 minutes I wasted doing an entry is 45 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
Veteran common-tater SayItWithWookies could always blame it all on ShortsShortsShorts like everyone else if anything went wrong.
~
I dont see a signature by the attending veternarian.
I submitted a blank sheet of paper. All that work. Pearls before swine.
Wookies…I don’t see Bull Connor’s picture anywhere…wtf?
teebob2000: I know. My shitty drunken entry last night, typed up in Word, then converted to pdf, then outputted to jpeg, then uploaded to tinypic, then emailed as link . . . Then I looked at it this morning and went, “that’s kinda crap”. And so did Wonkette, evidently.
Alan Keyes is going to jizz in his pants.
Wait, there’s a Wonkette t-shirt? How many Ameros does it cost?
what a lucky president we have, born, hatched, and adopted in lands both near and far. the rest of us just get one go at it, squeezed out like a huge carbuncle or sliced out like a malignant tumor.
It is my fondest wish that all
of the Birfers suffer a Mass
Spontaneous-Cranial-Combustion
Moment, on the live tee-vee,
preferably.
They all look so real, you’ve really got me confused now.
Hey where’s a good place on the net I can read all the hilarious demented ravings of the birfers and maybe play with them a bit? I’m bored and they entertain me a lot. Thanks!
Congrats to Mike P. The also-rans weren’t too bad either.
Found on this on a link from someone, somewhere:
http://osmoothie.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/25hlhmp.jpg
badmuthagoose: http://www.godlikeproductions.com
badmuthagoose: Go “friend” Orly on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=548555974&ref=mf. Her “wall” is a treasure trove of demented raving lunatics.
badmuthagoose: http://obamabirthers.com/
Not sure if he moderates comments or not.
And here’s a happy little birth certificate …
I’m sure Annie Leibovitz had a part in the birth certificate. She really needs the cash.
magic titty: Oh, there are plenty of other people I could’ve added, if only I wanted to call in sick today and spend all day working on the damn thing. I’m just proud to be part of the bunch of people who didn’t win.
Oh, and Bob Ross is indeed dead, though I don’t think Barack Obama had anything to do with it. Probably the Clintons, though.
chascates: I see that and all I can think of is Chief Editor Korir.
Double Scorpion: — Wait, there’s a Wonkette t-shirt? —
Yupper. It’s Newell’s silk chemise stolen from his dry cleaner.
mmmmmm, tater tots.
LEAVE BOB ROSS ALONE!
Wonkette t-shirt? Is it a fancy printed thing? Or is it just an undershirt Newell woke up in and scrawled “Wonkett” on with magic marker before stuffing it in an envelope to mail?
I don’t know which I’d treasure more.
Anyway, well done winner and featured not-winners!
They’re all good, but that one with “Magic of Oil Painting” guy Bob Ross is just brilliant.
Thanks guys! I’ve been messing with the obamabirthers guy off and on today and it’s been fun. He doesn’t seem to moderate much, all my comments are still there.
I’m afeared to friend that kook on FB! I have all my real info there. Hmmm. Fake Facebook account, there’s the ticket. Gotta see this.
Hey, I’m an also-ran! Yay! Teresa = Terry
I’m very proud right now!
Mike P. needs to put that on a T-shirt. Good efforts by the “demi-losers”(?).
Jukesgrrl:
Obama:
http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u69/jesper13/ORLYowl.jpg
Emanuel:
http://mashable.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/ya_rly.jpg
That giraffe birth certificate is so cute! I’ll bet our Barry was every bit as cute and cuddly to his mom. I hope you had a great day, Mr. Prez.
I’m guessing that the RNC buys tinfoil in bulk.
I’ve gathered that the latest thing is to DEFINE NATURAL BORN CITIZEN! I think some of them must have figured out that the birth certificate thing is going to go nowhere, so now there’s this new kookadoo thing to focus on. DEFINE NBC!
There’s a guy on Oily Taint’s FB page who seems even crazier than the rest, if that’s possible.
Demi-losers, take heart! The rumored wonkette t-shirt is actually just a “500 days of summer” promo t-shirt.
Spillin’ a 40 for Mike P. Wookies cheated and took photos of town hall meetings with astroturfers and jazzed ‘em up so that he could cheat his way to infamy. Spillin’ more 40 for y’alls, nonetheless!
There are plenty of faces on Sgt. Peppers that are disturbing, nice!
Hey, can’t we losers who didn’t even submit a fuckin birftificate get a t-shirt? For cash moneys, to support the Wonkette a tiny bit? I’m a dainty XXXL, if you’ve got one. My panni and fannie both need covering. I can pay you next week.
“Will Hawaii destroy Obama’s birth certificate?’
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=105365
Birth certificate? What fooking birth certificate? We The Pod People don’t need no stinkin’ birf certifications. Earth girls are easy, too.
badmuthagoose:
Beware of getting what you wish for: http://twitter.com/CrystalChalice
They’re planning a torch light parade to grave of Strom Thurman. He’s dead, right?
Congrats to Mike P… Although I think if the “birthers” would watch even a single episode of Bob Ross, his soothing mellowness might calm them down enough to think rationally for a few moments. That man was like a Human Quaalude.
wheelie: My 5-minute Blingee didn’t make the cut either, that’s what we get for being lazy drunken sods:
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/96443259-BIRTHERS-ARE-FREAKING-CRAZY
Waaaah, I can’t see Bill’s pr0n letter or the Mo Science entry!
Wow, Wookies. Golf clap for Wookies.
(Also, I thought Sayitwithwookies was a she, not he? Hope I haven’t been flirting too much.)
SayItWithWookies: What? No Terri Schivo? lol
Col Kernel: Nice save. Now, get a job.
Your editors have sent the White House its annual gift of Myrrh.
I think the eds meant myrrth.
Forget the Wonkette t-shirt. I’d like a Wonkette pink hoodie or Member’s Only jacket. For reals.
And Wookies shoulda won.
Lascauxcaveman: No — not a girl, just a bitch. And you’ve been flirting? Damn, I’m oblivous.
Atheist Nun: Oh, damn. I’ve also gotta add the Man in the Iron Mask, Chicken Little, that blonde “I am not a bimbo” chick from SNL, the Statue of Liberty, and — well I’m starting to see why I don’t get out very often.
If being captured by space aliens and brought into their ship and then being anally probed by nukuler lazerbeam dildos counts as birf, then the Followers of Oily Taint need to call SETI and Fox Moldier.
Then there is the (Evil) Bert Sir Titty-cut:
http://web.archive.org/web/20010624114213/plaza.v-wave.com/bert/exclu016.htm
jasper f. krone: House of Mirth?
Atheist Nun:
My eyes, my eyes.
You get my vote. Just stop, just stop this epileptic seizure which your Blingee has cau…
****
The above dramatization was sponsored by the National Recovery Administration. (Oh, just look it up.)
So, what is the Birthers’ ultimate goal? Because if it’s revolution, the birth certificate seems like a small thing to do it over. If it’s to impeach Obama, that’d mean Joe Biden would be president. Maybe they just like Amtrak a lot.
Or maybe they just haven’t figured out that McCain and Palin don’t automatically go into power when the president is impeached. Perhaps if we tell them, they’ll shut up.
For those of you who like your humour in legalese, here’s the compliant againts Mz Oily Titz to the State bar of California…
http://www.scribd.com/doc/15546236/Taitz-State-Bar-Complaint
biggiantannoyingthing: Here’s some extra-crazee for your bemusment:
http://naturalborncitizen.wordpress.com/2009/08/04/the-dangerous-precedent-set-by-obama-being-president/#comments
http://www.ocweekly.com/2009-06-18/news/orly-taitz/1
And more:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/04/obamas-birthday-cards-fro_n_250848.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/04/chuck-norris-on-birthers_n_250891.html
@Jim Newell: It’s spelled “Pris.”
This kind of sloppy scifi spelling would never have occurred on /.
And finally, the words of the evil Aussie who’s behind the Obama-nation - acting on Her Majesty’s orders (because LaRouche was right!!!1!)
http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2008/s2646009.htm
jasper f. krone: “I’d like a Wonkette pink hoodie”
You’ll have wrench that from Reilly’s cold, dead hands.
jasper f. krone: That’s very kind of you to say so — though if we knew in advance what pleased our Wonkette Overlords (peace be upon them) it wouldn’t be much of a contest.
Oh, and it’s myrrh. myrrth is what you have when you find out you’re not going to get beaten and scourged to a bloody pulp by Mel Gibson and then nailed to a stick.
Bearbloke:
“An unsuspecting Adelaide public servant has found himself swept up in a conspiracy to oust the 44th President of the United States from office.”
“Unsuspecting”, sure. Of course. Ahem, … natch. The MSM continues to cover-up that Obama was raised by islamo-wallabies. Tie me kangaroo down.
I will pay handsomely for a Wonkette t-shirt.
That is all.
I knew it!!!!
At least he wasn’t hatched like Dick Cheney from a maggot larva in a hot pile of Beast (666) scat.
Don Juanquete: The Black House of Mirth.
SayItWithWookies: How dare you patronize (I mean, mouth-rape) our Wonkette Overlords like that!
“And besides,” as the great Bongwater once said, “it’s easier to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior when he looks like Willem Dafoe.”
S.Luggo: Jeebus Cripes, we need some real news to get the media to focus on something other than birfer lunacy. Since no one seems to want to talk about important shit like health care, maybe those two Russian nuclear subs that have been lurking off the East Coast will do something interesting and fun to get some attention, like invading America. WOLVERINES!
President Beeblebrox: Ruski subs no doubt summonned at the command of First Comrade Ayatollah NObama to ‘persude’ certain Gawdly-inspired East Coast Republicans to drop their oppossition to the impending judcial coup of Mexicanarchist Maria Sotomayorski…
IT’S IN REVELATIONS, PEEPLE!!!11!!1!
Oily Tits! Oily Tits! Oily Tits!
This is the most fun I’ve had in hours.
I’m stoned.
Bearbloke: The complaint is pretty comprehensive and details the weird shit she’s done, like ex parte contacts with judges and recruiting plaintiffs at the “Knob Creek Machine Gun Shoot” in West Point, Kentucky (!).
But since California will apparently admit anyone with two brain cells and a heartbeat to the practice of law, I’m not real optimistic anything will come of it, even if Oily is probably committing sedition.
Congratulations to all on simply entering. Your enterprising energy is an inspiration to us all. But you’re also making the rest of us look bad by trying so hard, assholes.
BREAKING NEWS
It seems some God-fearing American chose to exercise his 2nd-Amendment Rights at a fitness spa in Pittsburgh, PA:
http://kdka.com/local/LA.fitness.shooting.2.1114954.html
Any thoughts about which Faux-News host was his Personal Favorite? Beck? Hannity? O’Rilly?
Bearbloke: None. Just another guy pissed that his ex-girlfriend dared have a life without him. I don’t know what the other 5 people did to “deserve” his wrath.
Bearbloke: He apparently shot up a Latin dance class. Damn illegals, always pushing the whites’ country-line dance classes off the LA Fitness schedule!
God damn birders, what will it take to convince them Obama is not a bird?!??!?
Oh God!!! OPTICS!! Where’s the FOCAL POIINT!? REFRACTION COEFFICIENTS!! IM HAVING A PHYSICS FLASH BLACK / SEIZXUREE!! I WANT DEATH !!!!
Bearbloke: Thanks to LIEbural gun control laws !!1!
This would have happened if all those dancers were armed with Ak-47s strapped to their leotards or Derringers .410s hidden up there hoohaws.
Thank you, contestants! I’ve been laughing and crying at the same time for 20 minutes now. But mostly laughing, for once.
I would LOVE for Robert Gibbs to hold up that genuine Bird Certificate at tomorrow’s press conference.
Orly TaitZ has gone “rogatory” with Alan Keyes!!1! Check it out:
http://www.orlytaitzesq.com/blog1
Mini Mini Mini
rambone: Hey, that was a direct quote from me, so if you have a problem with it — I’ll meet you by the monkey bars during recess and we can hash it out. Like sci-fi should even have spelling nazis. pfff.
Noboma is a Lectroid from Planet 10 via the 8th Dimension!
El Pinche:
Isn’t it odd how all these folks who need to have semi-automatic weapons to protect themselves, use them most often on their spouses and children? Oh, and strangers who just happen to be in the line of fire.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/ba/Adventures_of_buckaroo_banzai.jpg
you lovit! lovit!
Like the Special Olympics, everyone on Wonkette is a winner. And retarded.
President Beeblebrox: They passed through the American patrols, past our sonar nets, and lay off our largest city, and listen to Lady Gaga/Katy Perry/Jordin Sparks … while they conduct super snarky missile drills.
Ballast control, open outer doors, diving command, engage caterpillar and secure main engines…
let’s have some fun, this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick, also
dogscantlookup: I thought it was District 9…
Nobama is really Bajoran!
Oh, wait, that’s DS9….
Alex Trebeks Girl: And the cool thing about godlike productions is that along with the demented ravings of assorted moronic teabaggers and idiotic birthers one also gets to enjoy those of UFO nuts and cretins who think “There is a structure found in the bible by counting out letters in series. joining these letters in consecutive order spells out words.” It is a veritable feast of insanity served up with a froth of sullen resentment.
¡Felicidades! a todos concursantes.
I saw the way he caught that fly, bwak …. wonder if they newspapered the entire White House?
rambone: umm, it’s spelled syfy. soory to be a prik.
President Beeblebrox: Maybe they’re here to escort Orly home.
Everything really is funny to us on Wonkett…
Atheist Nun: Needs more sparkle.
x111e7thst: god like productions also had a user who was arrested for saying that he would kill obama. i think he was also a raving anti-semite and made a bunch of threats. It’s so typical, but it’s sad when you see this case in Pittsburg. These people are real, unlike the lunacy they believe in.
They constantly look for videos of Barack and Michelle Obama without middle fingers so they can call him the anti-christ. Seriously America? in 2009?
I love it when birthers say that O’Reilly is a prick and a pussy at the same time. I love when they say the same about Glenn Beck. Hahahahaha. Go birthers. Orly Taitz needs to have a radio show ASAP I guess.
bagosaltedratdiks: No, they’ll be around the rest of your life like the Truthers or the Kennedy Assassination Kooks.
Zhu
Joshua Norton: MIT published some research on tinfoil hats a few years ago; they don’t work! Probably you need to ground them.
Zhu Bajie
Oily tits, oily taints; I’m not seeing a downside here.
Norbert: No photos of Ana Marie Cox in it, wet? Or Ms. Cutler, “Washingtonienne”?
Zhu Bajie
Alex Trebeks Girl: The antichrist haz no middul fingerz?
x111e7thst: Jeebus has already told us that NoBama in the antichrist
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=105527
Alex Trebeks Girl: Hold the phone!!! The Anti-Christ has no middle fingers? So, flipping the bird shows that one is NOT the Anti-Christ? I am going to have a lot of fun on my
drive home, whilst passing several churches.
hockeymom: number one “successful” use of firearms is for suicide. 16k a year.
Alex Trebeks Girl: Dear god. Are those people serious?
Alex Trebeks Girl: “I read quite a bit until I couldn’t stomache it any more.
But I truly can’t tell if it’s a joke or not, at least with the threads I read.
They are just OUT there…….
People can’t really be that stupid.
Can they?”
That would be a quote talking about Obama supporters… from the forum where a man who just traveled back in time from 2156 debates the exact date of the end of the world and the date when we will make contact with UFOs with people who jump between different dimensions and describe the atmosphere as “sticky” when having a bad day. Oh the irony…
Redhead: Honey it’s real. And if you don’t believe me, remember the news about that kid in Penn who shot up the cops then himself. Now this latest nut George Sodini. These guys post ravings on the Internet and fear women and hate everyone. There was a post there recently about how democrats think that it’s ok to hate white males and that is ALL political correctness means. No amount of education or discussion works with these people. They view themselves as characters and heroes.
Here’s that gym killer’s diary. He mentions Obama and the Obama economy. I’m sure Rush Limbaugh will blame Obama for this, just like he blamed him for the Governor of South Carolina having an affair and leaving the country.
http://georgesodini.com/20090804.htm
jodyleek: x111e7thst: according to the comments posted by these birthers Skollarzz, yes. “The Beast” has no middle finger because he’s gotta make the horn sign with his hands like he’s rocking out to ACDC i guess. I see it in youtube videos all the time with the videos of Rahm Emmanuel talking about the financial crisis.
Alex Trebeks Girl: Just… really? Really? People are REALLY that stupid and delusional? I mean it’s one thing when this is all just a front for “I’m racist and don’t want a darky/muslin in the WHITEhouse but don’t want to admit that,” but this is a whole new level of zany.
Why aren’t they institutionalized, and can we require a certificate of sanity for all voters?
T-Shirt sales- what a revenue source! There are at least 4 of us who would buy them. Will Riley deliver it to my office?
Seriously, I would buy a t-shirt unless it was just a Hanes Beefy Tee covered Jim’s vomited gin and anger. In that case I would just steal it and possibly marry it.
“Veteran common-tater SayItWithWookies could always blame it all on ShortsShortsShorts like everyone else if anything went wrong.”
Where IS shortsx3 anyway?? He never plays with us no more, now he’s got his own fancy-stupid blog all the time….
***POUT***
Atheist Nun: Is that Ruth Gordon from Rosemary’s Baby?