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Orly Taintz Acts Funny On Teevee, And A Wonkette Contest!

Heroic provider of truths Orly Taitz went on television’s MSNBC channel this afternoon to discuss her latest proof that Obama is black. Heavens to Betsy! This is too classic. It must be performance art — Arianna Huffington applying a heavy spray-tan and a Marilyn Monroe wig, channeling her days as a Republican congressman’s wife. “LEE-sten to me! LEE-sten LEE-sten, Tahm-ron!” Ha ha! NOW THE IMPORTANT PART: Time for a photo contest!

First, check out this inspirational tips submission from operative “pepsicoke555,” who writes, “i just want to be respected by someone for something.”

So: can you, dear reader, PRODUCE A REAL IMAGE of Barack Obama’s REAL birth certificate? Be creative with those guidelines, and submit your CERTIFIED DOC-U-MINTS to tips@wonkette.com, subject line “ACTUAL LEGAL PROOF THAT SARA K. SMITH IS BLACK,” by 1:00 p.m. Tuesday. We will apply a Weigel-esque discriminating eye to decide “which ones are real.”

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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189 comments

  1. DollarStorePregnancyTest

    I turned it off when the holocaust references started.

    Did they pick this woman to represent their cause? Or did she volunteer?

  2. Gopherit

    She reminds me of Lady Gaga 20 years from now. I fucking love it when someone goes unhinged on national news. It smells like victory.

  3. widget09

    Waiting, to smash in their windows & kick in their doors
    Waiting, to follow the worms
    CuCuCachew, She is out of the ballpark Batshit Crazy
    Here story is orally tainted.

  4. ScubaDew

    I don’t know about the rest of you, but I just wish the birthers would at least settle on one theory. Some say that he was born in Kenya, which wouldn’t matter anyways, since his mother was American, making him a natural born citizen.

    Others say he might have been born in the U.S. but that doesn’t matter because his dad was a Kenyan, which disqualifies him from being a natural-born citizen (it doesn’t).

    And then there are people who say he was a natural born citizen until his mother remarried to an Indonesian, which magically made Obama an Indonesian too, or some similarly retarded theory.

    Birfers, please settle amongst yourselves which theory you’d like to use and get back to us.

  5. pdiddycornchips

    So the head of the Birther movement is an offensive crazy lady from Tel Aviv? Everytime I think the wingnuts have hit bottom they get the shovel out and dig deeper.

  6. Servo

    $20 says she likes to tell people their horoscope even if they don’t give a fuck and that she has a Yorkshire terrier with painted claws.

  7. problemwithcaring

    “…refused to come to the studio, because of a Muslim-sounding name…of the driver…”

    Someone please ware Orly, not to travel to DC! Muslins control all the parking and good nightclubs….

  8. kdaddy

    It’s all kind of an Elke Sommer, Tammy Fae Baker, Seka, dementia moment for me. Which means
    I’m showing my age, and also probably my penis.

  9. Holding Out for a Hero

    Somewhere Rahm, Gibbys and Axe are giving each other “the high four and a half” after watching that meltdown.

  10. ScubaDew

    [re=377283]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: You think you have it rough? Imagine how the fake blondes and spray-on tan enthusiasts feel. They already have low enough self-esteem as it is.

  11. fromhils

    Co-workers response to this video: She’s Borat! Its a joke right, she is not real. She can’t be.

    I for one agree and can’t wait for the movie to come out. Then all the gullible slobs who believed she was a real person (as opposed to an alien from Uranus) will start suing “her”. Good thing “she” is a “lawyer”

  12. Aquannissiwamissoo

    Despite being dead and not having duct tape on her boobs, Wendy O. Williams here looks hittable.

  13. LittlePig

    [re=377305]Mull_Man[/re]: “I pledge allegiance to the taints of the united space of adipose, to the lipids of which it’s made, one smear, undistinguished, with grease and skidmarks for all.”

  14. lionboy

    Attorney, dentist, realtor, birther, TV show oddity, probably a beard for some Republican closet case– how does she find the time to fit it all into a day?

  15. FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=377321]ScubaDew[/re]: A friend of mine joked about her Colbert report clip: “Why is she wearing my grandmother’s drapes?”

  16. bitchincamaro

    [re=377326]Aquannissiwamissoo[/re]: That was Scotch Brand +33 premium electrician’s tape. I’m quite sure.

  17. BadKitty

    Oh come on, Orly? O RLY? Taintz? “She” has to be a drag queen doing the best bit of satire since Andy Kaufman died.

  18. coastingdownhill

    [re=377288]pdiddycornchips[/re]: She’s from OC. As in Orange County. As in right-wing suburbanites with an airport named after John Wayne.
    Dentist, Lawyer, Real Estate Agent. And recently, entertainer.

  19. trickyrick

    [re=377299]Servo[/re]: no one is going to take that bet, I wager.

    [re=377360]BadKitty[/re]: oily taints. exactly. sooo John Waters with a essence of commie red.

  20. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    “He is illegitimate to be President” is my favorite line and she’s repeated it a thousand times. I love it that she doesn’t have a single person near her that knows or is willing to tell her that that ain’t English.

  21. martinette

    Now everyone knows why Oliver Wendell Douglas had to haul that crazy shit out to Hooterville.

  22. Dreamer

    Did she claim Obama had multiple Social Security Numbers? WTF does this have to do with his birth certificate and why didn’t the fucking FBI discover this when they did a background check on him? These fuckwits can’t stick to one looney theory – everyday they are throwing another crazy idea.

  23. johnnypantalones

    Why aren’t there more fake Kenyan birth certificates? We could really stimulate the economy by getting these mouthbreathers to sign over their SS checks to get their grubby mitts on the smoking gun, and all it would take is photoshop and some quality document distressing. Just print it out, let your baby play with it and then it’s off to FreeRepublic to make yourself a quick hundy or two. Don’t make me throw down the gauntlet at SomethingAwful, this is something the Wonketeers should be engaging in, not the goons. Get to work, people!

  24. Dear Diorama

    Schuster: Please tell us about integrity.

    Orly: You are worse than the holocaust! Stop talking! No wire hangers! NO WIRE HANGERS!!!

  25. Badtux

    Is that a dead possum on her head, or what?! And has anybody ever seen Orly Taitz and Sacha Baron Cohen in the same room? Curious penguins want to know!

  26. JooJoo Bee

    Oh this one’s an enemy made in heaven — as if Coulter weren’t heavenly enough. Keep it up, schweetheart. We’ll need a second 4 years to recover from the last 8.

  27. Dreamer

    [re=377387]johnnypantalones[/re]: what i don’t understand why isn’t some Nigerian scammer makig money out of these nutcases?

  28. ScubaDew

    I don’t know if anybody’s brought this up yet, but could it be that this is just Sasha Baron Cohen making his newest movie?

  29. johnnypantalones

    [re=377399]Dreamer[/re]: I suspect one already has, but this is a growth industry! We shouldn’t be letting the Nigerians corner the market on these people, it’s time we Americans stood up and started making something in this country again. The time is now, Wonketteers. Fire up your PhotoShops and make this country great again by selling fake birth certificates to racist idiots.

  30. SlipperyDick

    [re=377248]zhubajie[/re]: Not tights – Tah Eats!

    Me, I read it and thought it was t’aints, as in the South Carolina lingo, T’aint so.

    But Orly does have a point about the Coulter criticism. If a nutter calls you crazy, that does not make it so?

  31. Country Club Jihadi

    O RLY needs an LOLcatz capshun. I can haz STFU? She is Didi Conn in Grease, also.

  32. Oldskool

    Two problems:

    1) David Shuster could make Tonya Harding seem sympathetic.

    2) All the really crazy wimin are hot.

  33. FunkyPalmettoBug

    Watching the video again: she’s like a muppet. A racist, shrill dumbfuck of a muppet.

  34. skutre

    [re=377348]problemwithcaring[/re]: Thanks, looks like Kevin has compiled all the Orly links. Mrs Polly she one smart and funny lady

  35. WesternCorrespondent

    [re=377253]wrytoast[/re]: I’m not sure anything on Orly Taitz is real. Except for the shrill of her voice, she looks an awful lot like a transvestite.

  36. EdFlinstone

    [re=377416]Oldskool[/re]: You find that hot? Tamron is hot. Orly couldnt get my dick up past my taint.

  37. SuperStarr

    “Both parents have to be U.S. citizens.” This is a new tact for the bircerferticket folks and it’s utter bullshit. She needs to do some fact-checking with Lou Dobbs, who’s in a dither because, in fact, neither has to be a U.S. citizen.

  38. Dreamer

    [re=377402]johnnypantalones[/re]: I somehow think the fake birth certificate is made by some clever libtard making fun of these idiots. Just look at the clever “mistakes”. But I agree with you we should try something.

  39. President Beeblebrox

    Having (a) graduated from a real, live ABA-accredited law school and (b) taken and passed the bar exam in a state that doesn’t allow graduates of places like William Howard Taft U. Law School, Abraham Lincoln U. Law School, Aristotle University Institute of Law and Jurisprudence, University of Silicon Valley Law School, and John William University School of Law to take the bar exam, I would just like to say to Dr. Dentist Oily Taints, J.D., D.D.S.:

    Fuck you.

  40. Servo

    [re=377405]Jukesgrrl[/re]:
    The Gong Show, where she was quickly gonged by the fast-acting Jamie Farr.
    A bit late but…How about them Pens?

  41. FlipOffResearch

    The Doctor walked into the examination room with a grim countenance. He looked me directly in the eye and said “I’m afraid you’ve contracted an Orly Taitz.”
    God, that lady filibusters something fierce. Kind of like Liz Cheney. The GOP’s death is becoming exceedingly ugly.

  42. GreatOldOnesParty

    Even if you went back in time and shoved their face in Mama Obama’s crotch as he was coming through the birth canal…
    For fuck’s sake…WFC!

  43. Oldskool

    [re=377430]EdFlinstone[/re]: “You find that hot?”

    She’s under 300 lbs. Around here that’s a beauty queen.

  44. President Beeblebrox

    [re=377431]SuperStarr[/re]: Guess that means we can retroactively cancel the Chester Arthur Administration.

  45. Nim, ham hock of liberty

    Chief Editor Korir will be releasing the real birf certificate any day now. Unless the big money boys shut him down again.

  46. EdFlinstone

    [re=377315]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: The “high four and a half”, Im still laughing at that one.

  47. President Beeblebrox

    [re=377249]Godot[/re]: Except she’s Moldovan, which is like being Russian but with worse teeth.

    Take heed, all you guys who sign up for Russian/Ukrainian Bride Tours and think you’re gonna find the love of your life in Moscow, or Omsk, or even Chisinau: They’ll all look like Orly by the time they hit 45, and they’re only after your munnies anyway.

    Even by the low standards of the California Bar, she’s an embarrassment to the profession.

  48. problemwithcaring

    [re=377440]Nasi Goreng[/re]: OK – “Race: Captivatingly Kenyan” was some funny shit.

  49. Hieronymus Botch

    I can’t help but read Orly’s name in proper inter-speaks as ‘Oh, really?’

    Orly?

    Try it, it’s fun!

  50. digibal235

    Does the contest involve me rupturing my eardrums with toothpicks? Because I think I win.

  51. JoeMac

    It seems the KGB is alive and well and has sent Ms Taintz as an agent to disrupt the American political system.

  52. norbizness

    [re=377434]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Don’t forget the Hollywood Upstairs Law School (directly adjacent to the Hollywood Upstairs Medical School made famous by Dr. Nick Riviera)

  53. EF Lavender

    Meh, I’d work on a photo, but I’m all tuckered out with adobe after banging out a birth certificate for some loon from Arizona. Besides, I’m a little busy responding to a request for my checking account routing number from the Bank of the Republic of Congo.

  54. thebeatgoeson

    [re=377440]Nasi Goreng[/re]: HAHAHA! But the date is wrong – his birthday is August 4th 1961. I sense that that certficate is fake…

  55. whackabirther

    politjab.com member has found the template doc ONLINE that was used to create the fake Kenyan BC!

    Full story with link to doc at politijab.com forum

  56. Neoyorquino

    Taitz: “I can’t hear word you say, darlink! Is all conspiracy started by Moose and Squirrel!”

  57. Hieronymus Botch

    [re=377461]Hieronymus Botch[/re]: Meh, maybe I should read the preceding comments before I post. Ahem, as you were, etc.

  58. momus

    She starts off talking about a “Hospital birth certificate,” which is a momento. Neither US or state government does not accept it as valid. So right away she working from a false premise. That’s a BIG surprise.

  59. Aquannissiwamissoo

    Funny, I paid this “service” for a Russian bride who liked to talk about politics while wearing false eyelashes, but after the check was cashed she never wrote back.

    Orly !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  60. stew

    She’s giving dentist/lawyers a bad name. Finding someone who does root canals and living wills will now only get harder.

  61. Carl Spakler

    Moose and Squirrel must die! I recommend deploying a bunny made of plastic explosives

  62. DollarStorePregnancyTest

    [re=377458]problemwithcaring[/re]: pure win!

    [re=377503]aleks[/re]: Natasha! Is that miserable moose and squirrel!

  63. sara_palin

    [re=377313]kdaddy[/re]: I hear ya, beyond my temporary identity, which at this point I’m too drunk to disavow.

  64. S.Luggo

    From the OC Weekly June 17, 2009, on-line article:
    “[Orly] Taitz smiled and pontificated in her Eastern European accent about the clerks of the Supreme Court whom she believed had been sabotaging her lawsuits.’” ["Clerks of the Supreme Court" is code for personal psychiatrists, unless Our Miss Rosa Kleb --- ironically, a sitcom of the 195Os in Russia -- means the Supreme Court of the constellation Ursa Minor]

    More at: http://www.ocweekly.com/2009-06-18/news/orly-taitz/1

  65. Carl Spakler

    Seriously gang, go easy on Orly…she’s filling the void left in our daily diet of political fruit-cakery since the departure of Ex-AKGov Sarah Palin

  66. Mike Steele

    The birthers are so fucking retarded that they can’t even get a real American to be their mouthpiece. It’s like having Latka conducting the prosecution at the Clinton impeachment. It’s embarrassing.

    I’m gonna bust that bitch upside the head with a plate ‘o hummus.

  67. graceless

    Okay, so a non-American is questioning the Americanness of an American president? I need a trailer park reference here. Little help?

  68. EnBuenOra

    I cannot see the slightest reason why anyone wouldn’t see this woman for the calm, reasoned voice of dissent she is.

  69. Don Juanquete

    Me thinks Swift Boater Jerome Corsi is behind this. He visited Kenya last year…remember, and got kicked out. Then he joined up with the Paultards, the uberlunatic fringe. Corsi=Orly.

  70. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=377503]aleks[/re]: Does that mean Lou Dobbs is Mr. Big?

    Has anyone considered that Orly is calling in from Israel, the forged artifacts capital of the world? There are guys there who will sell you the Ark of the Covenant for $100. Can we expect a pristine document from someone named “Taintz”? No, because she is a wild and crazy guy!

  71. Dashboard_Buddha

    Wait a minute…wait a god-damned minute. That’s the LEADER of the birthers? I never really paid much attention to the whole thing. I mean why pay attention to something that’s nuts? But now, now that I watched this…all I can ask is THAT’S THEIR FUCKING LEADER??? People follow her? I mean really…this is some kind of joke right? She’s a fucking cross between Yakov Smirnoff and a meth addled ferret!

    I can’t take much more of this.

  72. facehead

    [re=377557]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: If aliens landed in birther territory and said “take us to your leader,” they would meet Orly Taintz.

    I CAN HAZ SITCOM?!?!?//??

  73. Keram2

    [re=377256]Snidely[/re]: THAT’S WHO SHE REMINDS ME OF!!!

    Sorry, I’ve been trying to figure that out for WEEKS.

  74. skutre

    [re=377557]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]:

    HEY!!

    I have a meth addled ferret that thinks it’s Hunter Thompson and is always gtrying to gnaw on my skull.

    I resent that!!

  75. steverino247

    That’s about as whacked a human being as I’ve ever encountered and I used to work with the homeless mentally ill. Holy shit!

  76. Fly Over Girl

    [re=377457]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Isn’t that the fake country they went to in Dynasty about season 5 where everyone got attacked at the wedding?

  77. BMK

    Only in America can an illegal, teabagging alien called Oily Tits, get airtime by raping a tanning bed and questioning the President’s citizenship, in a Birther accent.

  78. One Yield Regular

    Birthers, what do you *really* know about Ms. Taitz? Did you know your very own “leader” is not a natural-born citizen, but hails from the former Soviet Union? Have you considered the very strong possibility that as a child she was programmed by the Soviets (even her own autobiographical materials allude to the communist brainwashing of youth) to help bring about, at the opportune time, a dastardly effort to create the fall of an American President and the demise of the greatest nation on earth? The heirs to the Soviet Master Plan may well be snickering with glee at you, as you innocently, and fatally, turn your allegiance from the United States…to a Soviet plant.

  79. NYNYNY

    Ooh No. If you’ll excuse me for a couple days, I think I’ve located my mail-order bride. …(why the fuck is she in Tel Aviv again? G-d help me)

  80. Todd Mecklem

    In 2006, Orly Taitz, dentist Laguna Niguel CA gave $500 to Friends of Joe Lieberman. Orty Taitz (sic), dentist, Laguna Niguel gave $1,000 to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee.

    http://www.newsmeat.com/fec/bystate_detail.php?city=Laguna+Niguel&st=CA&last=taitz

    Eeeeenteresting.

    It seems to be Orly’s husband, Yosef “Yosi” Taitz, who is discussed at length in the book THE INFO MESA by Edward Regis, beginning on page 122. Sounds like a smart guy…and at one point the book says he “could even be called jolly.”

    http://books.google.com/books?id=txTbgtUbJRgC&pg=PA122#v=onepage&q=&f=false

  81. mightysea

    [re=377401]ScubaDew[/re]: I have honestly wondered something similar… is it possible that this is a vast left-wing conspiracy to make republitards look tardy? It’s just too outrageous. Orly? O RLY? Taints? And she’s an online-lawyer dentist? I think even Sasha BC could not make this stuff up.

  82. Malachite Kingfisher

    6 minutes of my life I can never have back, damn it–though I enjoyed the audible guffaw in the background at 5:24-5:25, when the subject of the possibly Muslim driver came up.

  83. Beanball

    If this is someone’s idea of a joke, I’m calling for a Nobel, at least.

    Also, that woman is totally a drug addict, and I should know.

  84. AnnieGetYourFun

    OMG, yeah. There is so much Russian there that I am loathing 50% of my DNA with a great deal of … muchness.

  85. J

    You’re all laughing now, but when Orly opens her dinner theater in Branson, MO, next to Yakov Smirnoff’s, and starts packing the rubes in for 3 shows a day, she will be laughing all the way to the bank.

  86. Carl Spakler

    Shuster looked/sounded like he was getting a little PO’d with Dr. Taitz ESQ, attorney at law and real estate agent and communist spy. If not for Tameron, we’d of had some Jew on Jew violence we haven’t seen since the 900 BCE.

  87. Freelance Minion

    Hey, wait. At one point she said “I do not care about Ann Coulter,” which means she said at least one thing we can ALL agree with her about.

  88. tropaean

    I got as far as hearing her blather something about “journalistic integrity” and then collapsed into a giggle fit. I wanted to watch more, but I just can’t.

    Aren’t these the fuckwits that hounded Rather from the air, never to be heard from again, for not vetting a document?

    Stunning, really.

  89. tropaean

    [re=377461]Hieronymus Botch[/re]: If you pronounce her first name like that, and her last name like the teevee dude, you have what I am pretty sure could be called false advertising.

  90. Atheist Nun

    [re=377580]schvitzatura[/re]: Perfect! They both have that abrasive screeching tone to their voices that make dogs whimper and hide under the porch.

  91. TGY

    We at GHOPAC (Gigolos and Hos PAC) are saddened when one of our brethren or sistren makes a fool of him- or herself in the ‘political’ arena. Come home, Orly! The noble arms of our shared profession open wide to welcome you back. Also, we have some makeup and hair artists than can help your business prospects.

  92. DoctorCulturae

    I don’t understand. If your taintz are orly, just get out some soap and wash them.

  93. KilgoreTrout_XL

    These people should be given all the goddammed airtime they want, so that the southern GOP can continue to quietly agree with and promote them.

    I believe it was Thomas Jefferson who once said “Let’s give them just enough dildo to fuck themselves with.”

  94. Crazybroad

    I feel bad for her, sorta. I mean, you’ve got to know you’re nuts when even Ann Coulter and Karl Rove won’t sign onto your bullshit wingnut theories.

  95. boose

    I’m tellin’ ya, Orly is the Ted Haggard of birthers. The lady doth protest, etc. Hmm, I wonder how I could get standing to subpoena her immigration application materials. I’m pretty sure there is something illigitamint about them. Perhaps the forensic experts at Wonkette could take a crack at those.

  96. iolanthe

    Why do Russian women so often dress like cracked-out Tranny hookers and/or middle-aged Lolitas?

    This is a horrid generalization. But it’s based on actual observation.

    Here in LA, I can recognize a gaggle of Russian Cougars from 1/4 mile away. They’re the middle-aged women in the Jimmy Choo shoes, dressed like wedding cakes, or like RuPaul, or Lady GaGa, or Katy Perry on More Drugs, or like girls headed for their First Communion, or all of the above, simultaneously.

    Compared to them, Anna Nicole Smith and Amy Winehouse look as classy as Lauren Bacall.

    One of my doctors is a really nice Russian woman, funny and warm, curvy and slightly more zaftig than our cultural ideal, about 60 (like me). But she dresses like Betty Boop, if Betty was out turning tricks. Kind of terrifying. The thought of looking like that, especially at our age, made me throw out my animal prints and go buy sensible shoes and tops with higher necklines.

    Any theories? (Besides the one about me being a catty bitch. I’m already aware of that.)

  97. TGY

    [re=377726]iolanthe[/re]: You are only somewhat off. They apply makeup like women *used* to apply it in the US. It just happens that the ORLY person goes a bit overboard. However, good taste has never been a characteristic of Russian culture since the Revolution. Nor has it been part of American culture, either. It just happens our bad tastes don’t agree with each other.

  98. Woodwards Friend

    I’ve heard she was born in communist Russia. Where’s your birth certificate Orly Taitz?

  99. iolanthe

    [re=377758]TGY[/re]: As in “with a trowel”? Yep. Thinking back to the so-called hotties on the original Star Trek, or on Petticoat Junction, or anywhere in the world of vintage country music, you have a point. It took the cultural revolution of the late 1960s through 1970s to get us to lay down our makeup trowels, bouffant hairpieces, and teasing combs.

    I’m guessing that “overdone and foofy” look started with the Gabor Sisters, who, although Hungarian expats rather than Russian expats, all but created that look.

  100. Rorgg

    [re=377416]Oldskool[/re]: Really? Two is all you could get out of THAT?

    You ain’t trying very hard.

Comments are closed.