But think of the children!Still no word on whether or not that whole “OMG Sarah and Todd are getting divorced” thing is any more true than the whole “OMG Palin is resigning because she’s under federal investigation” thing. Will these sorts of rumors fall into the same bucket as “Dick Cheney resigning as VP due to Libby/war crimes/etc. and will be replaced by Condi Rice,” or will they eventually be proven as factual as “John Edwards enjoyed boning dippy videographer while wife had cancer”? Time will tell! But in the meantime, here is a delightful letter from ex-governor Palin’s lawyer, offering to frighten a room full of little children because a blogger was spreading rumors about Sarah Palin’s marriage. [AlaskaReport]

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  1. It’s better than the first draft, which read “please tell me the location of the kindergarten where you teach so that we may burn it to the ground and salt the earth where it stood, thou foul unbeliever.”

  2. Everyone knows that Sarah Palin is divorcing that hunter-fisherman guy to marry Larry Craig!

    It’s no secret that Palin and Craig have been in love for years, and are just crazy about each other!

    Palin even told Craig that if they get married, she’ll take his name and work at his new consulting firm, Wide Stance Consulting.

  3. How ’bout in honor of the troops you quit suing everything that moves. Or, better yet, move to the UK, where they’ve institionalized thin skin and you can sue people all day every day and be taken seriously.

  4. Palin’s desire to sue anyone who says or thinks unkind things about her is probably the result of her relationship with Greta Van Susteren. Leave it to a Xenu follower recommend civil charges as a way to shut people up.

  5. Dear Mr. Flein:

    Thank you for your thoughtful letter. As for the summons: please wrap it in one of Trig’s soiled diapers (BM) and eat it. Then, when you’ve shat it out, eat it again. The place it on your fireplace mantle, next to the urn that holds the ashes of your embarrassed ancestors.

    Thank you very much,
    Yours Truly: Amendment One.

  6. Sarah Palin
    is screamin and flailin
    and threatenin to sue
    that blogger guy from Alaska Report
    and David Letterman, too
    Knocked-up, meth, guns, Trig, divorce
    be careful what you text
    if you offend the Arctic Queen
    you know you might be next

  7. My bad….that was Steve Schmidt from the McCain campaign who threatened legal action against the Enquirer. He wouldn’t care now if she were run down by a moose.

  8. So she’s unemployed with thirteen kids named after farm implements and she chased away her husband the snowmobile racer. Yeah, that sounds like Vice Presidential material.

  9. All snarkiness aside, this is a dangerous law suit. Since Palin quit as Gov, if she prevails with the concept she is no longer a ‘public figure’ the whole first amendment issue changes and said ‘blogger’, ‘journalist’ or whatever is left with only one defense, the truth.

    The US Supremes have never defined when a ‘public figure’ ceases to be one. vis-a-vis the First Amendment protection against slander and libel.

  10. Oh I see, this is how lawyers get all up in your business when they send threatening letters:

    “Please let me know whether you want your summons served at the adult bookstore you frequent, or when you are examining your purchases while ‘getting ready for work’ in the locked bathroom at your residence.”

    “Please let me know if you’d like your summons slipped into the waistband of your ex-wife’s undergarments, while you are sleeping in them, as you customarily do, at your residence.”

    “Please let me know if you want your summons served by ‘To Catch a Predator’ host Chris Hansen and a cameraperson while you teach your Sunday School class at Ascension Lutheran Church, or at your residence.”

  11. I would respond by letting them know exactly what kind of service I like.

    I cannot wait until Wonkette gets it’s very own threat letter from the fearsome Clapp law firm.

  12. First of all, Mr’s. and Mrs’es. Smarty-pantses, I get to use the title “Governor” forever because I once was one. It’s like those old President guys, Carter and what’s his name, that other old guy. That goes for Vice Presidentses too, so stick it in yer craw and choke on it.

    Secondly, Todd and me are NOT divorcing. We just need some time apart to sort things out. So what if we’ll now be living 6,000 miles apart? This is the world’s business HOW? Oh, like none of YOU ever had affairs or were desecrated with ethics charges. Did you know my little guy Trog is special needs? I didn’t think so.

    Thirdly, I have asked my attorney to draw up subpeenas and those other legal-type things and such to serve on Ms. Wonkett at the tanning bed/nail spa emporium where she “works.” Yeah that’s right, we know all about everybody on the whole Internets and will be getting around to ALL OF YOU in due time. Real Americans who support the troops are so over you socialist hippies it makes us all sick. Now watch this drive.

  13. @JamesMichaelCurley: I don’t think the “public figure” aspect evaporates the day after one resigns from public office. She is still a public figure, more so if she continues to speak-for-hire in public about public policy.

  14. Dear Attorney Van Flein:

    This is to inform you that I have been designated as agent for service of process on The Immoral Minority. Thank you and have a nice day.

    Your Descending Colon

    P.S., The dicks you had yesterday were delicious!

  15. The suit specifies damages at two juice boxes, an unopened box of cheddar bunnies, and the complete first season of Yo Gabba Gabba on DVD.

  16. Growing up in Anchorage, you couldn’t swing a dead cat at high noon at 4th Ave and L street without hitting three lawyers. Unless you missed the first time, but on the second go you could get five.

    The lawyer in the threat is just another typical loudmouth Anchorage lawyer who equates passing the bar exam with getting annointed by god. Let him try to serve papers on a kindergarten aid–if the kids don’t tear him limb from limb, the parents will.

  17. [re=376663]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: If she is signing her threats as “Governor Palin”, she will be hard-pressed to deny that she is a public figure.

  18. My response would be covered in every last booger I could harvest from that kindergarden class, and decorated with hand a turkey sporting a giant middle feather.

  19. So is she paying these losers to sue everyone who has said bad things about her somewhere on line-? -because I called her stupid racist white trash. Of course that is a proven fact so she has no basis.

  20. [re=376674]sara_palin[/re]: Well Sarah, in the spirit of the grammar nazi commenters of the previous post, I must correct you. Yes, you get to be called Governor for life, even though you didn’t even finish your first term, you stupid twit. But there is SUPPOSED to be only one person called “President” and that’s the person currently holding the office. Our Founders said so, even though the media ignores them. But you know them, always makin’ stuff up and all.

  21. [re=376667]totoro[/re]: “…from the fearsome Clapp law firm.”

    The Fearsome Clapp? Didn’t they do that song in that “Magic Jesus” movie that ends with the Beatles submerged in a big yellow bus filled with animal dookie? Or was that the acoustic number about syphilis on “The Yes Album”?

  22. So is Thomas Van Flein the lawyer she’s been spending “millions” on to defend her from various charges? Because if so, well, she might want to shop around a little more.

    Incidentally, I see that Van Flein kind of forgot that it’s Daylight Savings Time in Alaska now.

  23. [re=376692]DangerousLiberal[/re]: Good point. What reasonable person would think less of someone for divorcing Todd (or Sarah for that matter).

  24. [re=376704]ummm[/re]: The same place that the two completely and thoroughly genuine Obama Kenyan Burth Sertyfikates which have magically appeared in the last couple of days came from, both of which appear to have been forged to play the birfers.

    I’m starting to think that Eric Cantor may have been right, that the birfer controversy was devised by someone on the Dem side to make the tattered remnants of the GOP look like the crazed wingnuts they are…

  25. [re=376680]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: The suit slut specifies damages at two juice boxes, an unopened box of cheddar bunnies, and the complete first season of Yo Gabba Gabba on DVD.

  26. Bloggers are the textbook definition of “deep pocket” defendants. They also are very likely to carry insurance for intentional torts — such as defamation with malice as element would be — that cover their acts in blogging.

    Also, threatening to serve a complaint and summons on somebody at the kindergarten is definitely not creepy at all.

  27. Perhaps she’s been lulled by the poor cognitive skills of her base. If she takes her case to such a sophisticated audience (kindergarteners), she’ll be laughed out of class.

  28. [re=376734]smartypants[/re]: Let’s start with the fact that the registrar on the gen-u-wine sertyfikut, one “E.F. Lavender”, is apparently a brand of laundry detergent.

    I was able to find the link easily last night on the Googles, but since then the term has been linkspammed so much, and has appeared on over 9000 wingnut blogs, that the link has been lost to obscurity.

  29. Sarah Palin was not born on this planet!

    We have an actual birth certificate from Planet Zorg in the Graxellian Solar System in the Moronix Nebula clearly showing that Palin was born on Planet Zorg.

  30. This guy is such a loser, he lives in Alaska. But he thinks a cheap stunt like this will somehow be a Perry Mason moment that makes him famous. Dude, you live in Alaska. It’s the worst state of all. Even North Dakotans and Alabamanians can get on a plane and be someplace decent in a couple hours. You’d have to travel all day just to escape the sucky place where you have chosen to live.

  31. The best thing this guy could do is get a publicity-hungry lawyer and have it go to court. Then his lawyer would be able question the Palins about anything relating to their marriage. There’s no way he would lose the case, since she’s a public figure and she’d have to prove actual malice on his part, which is nearly impossible. That would teach Ms. Sue-Everyone a lesson or two.

  32. [re=376696]finallyhappy[/re]: Yeah, in Marin County. Run by hippies. Say what you want about their clothes, the make a wicked iced tea.

  33. This almost makes me want to get a Twitter account so I can trash Sarah Palin and get my 15 minutes of fame. Commenting on Wonkette is not doing the job.

  34. Meanwhile, Larry The Cable Guy refused to comment on his wife’s accusations that Sarah was the “other woman” who ruined her hillbilly heaven.

  35. [re=376681]DangerousLiberal[/re]: The progressive bloggers in Alaska have noted that there ARE some competent honest lawyers in Alaska, but like so many other folks who move up from the lower-48, some lawyers have migrated up to Alaska to get away from a “previous life”, such as a lawsuit gone bad and getting fired, or the threat of disbarment, or a number of angry clients…

    [re=376721]Mahousu[/re]: He also forgot it’s summer, thus even kindergarten is “out” and the kids are at the beach or visiting Grammy and Grandpa.

    And he also forgot it was Saturday in summer.

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