Wonkette
More revelations than usual this week on Tina Brown’s pro-bono Electra Complex study, The Daily Beast. Famous “daughter of” Elizabeth Gates, daughter of Skip Gates, has insights about last week’s impossibly crucial Treaty of Beersailles between her father, the cop who handcuffed him to the Past, and the President of the United States. Blind item! WHICH major player in this incident wore “an appropriately heavy and charmingly untrained amount of green eyeliner on her lower lashes”—a savvy cosmetological atonement that, in many ways, taught everyone something about America?
Why, it is Sgt. Crowley’s conspicuously unnamed daughter! You see, Elizabeth Gates herself used to wear green eyeliner, and because of bravery, she admits this on the Internet. Laws of subtext here tell us that green eyeliner is an allegory for America:
“I saw my former self in her. We were instantly transported from the post-racial myth of America in 2008 to the reality of 2009. There they stood, a pleasant family of five, listening patiently to the overzealous tour guide boast about the fully functioning fireplace to the left of the doorframe.”
It’s like this, basically, the Statue of Liberty is covered in green eyeliner. Not just metaphorically but literally, which makes it an even stronger metaphor, in fact. And when we look at her, even if we’re black or white or a cop or forty feet away from the White House Rose Garden and totally bereft of a single actual insight about what was said therein, we presumably all look equally consumptive in a “charmingly untrained amount of green eyeliner.” This is exactly what the framers of the Constitution wrote for the Daily Beast.
furvst
There’s a fireplace in the Statue of Liberty?
Skip Gates on Crowley, according to Skip’s daughter: “He’s not a Joe the Plumber…”
High praise indeed! Crowley must be very glad to not be considered a Joe the Plumber. I’m sure even Joe the Plumber is tired of being a Joe the Plumber by now.
chascates: The torch is fully functional.
Today, we’re all green eyeliner and Khmer Rouge.
Don’t you mean the signing of Artoimattox?
I’m sorry, I did not understand a word of that post. Are you stoned?
Just in case anyone cares, Gawker and Mudflats are reporting that the Palins are getting divorced. Yup, she’ll soon be available boys!
Mahousu:
Ya gotta say that in the voice of Emperor Palpatine.
BadKitty: Greta van Susteran is a hussy??!?!
via Mudflats:
According to The Immoral Minority blog who was the first one out of the chute with this story, and The Alaska Report, known for breaking news on Palin, the Palins’ marriage is on the rocks. Both outlets stick by their sources in Anchorage and Wasilla.
According to the Immoral Minority’s bombshell post this morning, the Palin’s are calling it quits, she tossed her wedding ring in the lake, she has purchased land in Montana, Todd pulled a gun on Levi Johnston back in the summer of 2008, Levi has given an “explosive” interview to Vanity Fair Magazine, and Sherry Johnston’s court date was pushed up to allow negotiations which were not possible with Palin as governor pressuring for the maximum penalties in her drug case.
The Alaska Report notes:
“Todd Palin told Fox News last week that he was heading back to his job in the oil fields of Alaska, yet Sarah recently signed a book deal reportedly worth $11 million.”
and makes mention of the National Enquirer that has been discussing rumors of affairs, and the stress caused by them as being the real reason Palin resigned.
Oh, Sarah, not a good idea at this time to be divorcing a guy with a steady job in the oil industry. And what dumbass remarks from Gates’ daughter. Grow up.
chascates:
All My Tarded Children.
Today, we are all innocent white teenagers publicly victimized and humilated by snarky comments made by arrogant, liberal, privileged African-American daughters who “studied fashion” at The New School . . . .
Elizabeth Gates arrested by NYPD in “hooker roundup” in 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . .
Ahh. I remember my more innocent days, back before I completed my minor in eyeliner studies at the New School. (I majored in finding clueless little Irish girls adorable.)
chascates: Lemme guess, “Alaska Report” is going to break the whitey tape any week now as well.
From the Christian Science Monitor:
Word of a pending divorce between former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former First Dude Todd is gaining a lot of traction in Internet land.
“Palin divorce” is the fourth-most searched topic right now on Google Trends.
There’s only one problem with that. It’s not true. Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton is shooting down the story by an Alaskan blogger who claimed to have inside information on a split.
While Meg Stapleton is known for her constant honesty The Immoral Majority which broke this (if it has any truth to it) maintains:
“Update3: I just talked to my source again and learned the following.
Sarah and Todd will not be making their break up official for some time.
There is too much money to be made to throw a monkey wrench into things now.
Money seems to be the motivating factor in many of Sarah’s recent decisions (Levi hit the nail on the head with that one.)
However Todd is currently sleeping on the couch and, though they are still occupying the same house, the temperature is below freezing, if you get my drift.
And another thing just learned is that Sarah wants to leave the state, but Todd has no intentions of leaving. You know I almost feel sorry for Todd in this case because I had the same issue with MY ex-wife. (Hey maybe he and I can have a beer sometime and talk about our bitchy exes. I imagine he will win in that comparison.)”
Leopolt: Thank you. I thought I was the one fucked up while reading this.
“Treaty of Beersailles!”
Every day this site reminds me why I love it so.
Green eyeliner looks nice on lighter skin tones.
Leopolt: read the DB article. julie, mocking the article, must have been high, to think, we would understand it. or am i, in green eyeshadow?
Elizabeth Gates needs to crack open a “STFU Ale”.
Best part of the article:
“there are approximately 800,000 black men in prison and on July 16, 2009, I simply became one of them.”
Damnit I don’t want to hear or read anything more about Sarah Palin.
Ever.
WTF, over?
~
chascates: Indeed. That’s how Gates can pretend that his life has anything in common with those African American voices he (at least implicitly) claims to represent in his Very Important Scholarship on the signifying monkey and such.
There’s a special chapter in Homo Academicus for this kind of shit.
Even though I’m not registered on any, you know, lists, I can pass along this YouTube link where Skye Sweetnam demonstrates how to put on cool rainbow eye makup.
Jesus, Mooselini, can’t you do ANYTHING right? You get the reality teevee show about your quirky family, THEN throw the wedding ring in the lake. It’s like she’s stupid or somethin’.
Leopolt: Me neither, and I am stoned!
Leopolt: Same reaction. I assume it’s like a Rohrshock test. I see a knife piercing a groin.
chascates: Sounds like the chachakos are being separated from the sourdoughs.
Is it any coincidence that green is the color of the Muslins? I demand to see everyones birth certificate, or I’m calling the Cambridge police on everyone.
Wow. I think her hijacked email suit is driving her mad. Must be some awful stuff in those emails.
My very eyelashes are, actually, “charmingly untrained.”
I was hoping it was Joe Biden in the eye makeup
shadowMark: that totally demoralised all the huddled remnants of my shattered brain that were left after trying to read the post.
What were all of those “words”??
I’ll just assume it’s about Butt Sex
Who is this “Tina Brown” of which you speak? And how do I make her go away?? Ever since they gave suffrage to the women and allowed them to write stuff on the Internets, the quality of discourse has been steadily decreasing. What would Mencken have said?
I would dearly love to engage in a barroom brawl this evening but unfortunately or not I am at the moment so plotzed that I lie prone on the floor, unable to put on my shoes and barely able to tweet this message out on my blackberry. Plus which I unwisely gave my Guatemalan manservant leave for the night as he wished to go down to his club for the Jumbalaya Jubilee. Just saying.
wut
Anyone read the comments on Elizabeth Gates’ story? Yeah. Just…yeah. I always love the tasty irony about concerning the pleas of how we’ve moved on from race so roundly and completely defeated within the very first few posts of an online article. Also.
LoweredPeninsula: Yer just bias??
chascates: …there are approximately 654,000 police on duty and on July 16, 2009, I simply became one of them, also.
chascates: Todd is all Viva la Revolución and Alaska Independence Foreverz! He’s only now learning that his lovely bride-in-crime was only in it for the sex and self breeding and is not a true Patriot of Insurrection. Also.
I do feel sorry for him. You never really know someone, do you?
The Palin divorce thing has to be false. It’s not plastered all over Drudge.
What a fuckin’ snob is that daughter of the professor.
Wow.
Tina Brown? Who cares.
They teach cosmotology at The New School? We lived around the corner from the joint and you’d never know it from the students who went through our trash cans.
Although, in my addled, hippie mind, Gates was illegally arrested for IWMOTAC (innocent while mouthing off to a cop):
“It is important that we have ‘inside reports’ from people who were not there at the start. Otherwise, how would the public know the truth?”
– William Randolph Hearst (semen contributor, along with an insect eating iguana, to Tina Brown’s parentage)
tiger: The National Enquirer, which, once she was dumped by the New Yorker. failed to her talent for stories about vampire zombies, space asteroids and mothmen. Its loss, our nation’s gain.
S.Luggo: Correction:
“failed to GAGE her talent for …”
Apologies. Don’t cry for me, Tina.
LoweredPeninsula: Oh my goodness. Gee, it was actually a well-written essay about a step forward in civil rights and race relations. Then again, the FoxNation takeaway is this question: Did Professor Gates Call Joe the Plumber a Racist? I swear I’m not kidding.
Also, Liza Gates is cute.
Wikipeda says Tina Brown was born in 1953 in Maidenhead, UK.
Google defines maidenhead as “hymen: a fold of tissue that partly covers the entrance to the vagina of a virgin.”
Now I am so confused about Tina Brown and her daily beast and what does it all mean? He was a kind man? He was a wise man? He had plans? He had wisdom? Bullshit, man!
Mavky: SayItWithWookies:
My snark detector is busted, because I can not at all tell what either of these were in response to. Though, reading back my comment, it isn’t real clear, either (and not grammatical correct, at that). Anyway, if it wasn’t clear, I was making reference to the “Elizabeth Gates is a racist” comments on her article. It’s all insanely ironic, and gives me a hard sad about where we all are, socially. Apparently, offering a rather fair (and I’d say too fair) critique on a situation that happened to your dad makes you a racist. No, that doesn’t even have to make sense, it just is.
God, will our alien overlords just call “game over”, already, and rapture the human race to its rightful place in the warm mantle of the earth (i.e. Hell)? It’s time to reset this bitch, no doubt.
Back away from the poetry Elizabeth. Back slowly away.
LoweredPeninsula: I was referring to those comments as well — pretty damn awful. Although the ones at FoxNation are just as bad. I thought Liza Gates’ piece was pretty good, and the summit was worthwhile. Gee, civilized people sitting down and talking over their differences? All I can think is that the people most upset by this are lawyers worried that the bottom will fall out of the frivolous litigation market.