Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
There is a certain class of American who cares nothing about the tales of economic carnage that fill our newspapers day after day. I’m talking, of course, about editorial cartoonists, whose jobs are basically guaranteed, and whose pay makes possible a lifestyle that makes AIG vice presidents look like starving hobos eating dirt under a rusty, leaky bridge. Of course, these princes of the pen also have the best health insurance, with fresh kidneys and livers delivered twice weekly to keep their insides smelling fresh. Nevertheless, as part of their job, they must pay attention to the day-to-day problems suffered by you, the “little people,” and have noticed that maybe things are not quite so rosy further down the socioeconomic ladder!
Truly, if there is a perfect way to depict our flourishing economy, it is this: as a fat old man, eyes wide with shock, standing in an alley with a cardboard sign begging for gainful employment, because he isn’t smart enough to think of anything else to do. He believes that he has clothed himself with a modicum of dignity, but has in fact put on ostentatious and anachronistic clothes that accentuate both his girth and his inability to relate to modern times, thus making him an object of fun and derision. And what better way to represent the Minimum Wage than as a punk, thieving teenager in a ringer T and some sort of skater haircut? After all, it’s a well-known fact that minimum wage earners are cheerful anarchists without a care in the world, who only use their wholly adequate legal income to supplement the cash they get from robbing decent folk like you and me. Note that both characters in this little scene have dark circles under their eyes, but for very different reasons: The Economy was up all night weeping because he doesn’t have any useful job skills with which he can support his family, whereas Minimum Wage was slam-dancing with his buds at a rap-metal concert, after which he smoked dope.
Like any socially disruptive event, the economic collapse has given rise to radical changes in America’s mating habits. For instance, in bygone days men and women would meet at social events specifically designed to facilitate romantic encounters: church picnics, evening volleyball leagues at the local adult education center, “ladies’ night” at an establishment dedicated to serving alcohol, etc. But now women know that, more than witty banter or good looks, what they need out of a man is earning power. Thus, packs of predatory single ladies have taken to lurking in the parking lots of America’s big box stores, trying to assess as quickly as possible the combined total cost of the plastic Chinese-made items in the shopping carts of the men who emerge from these caverns of commerce. If the amount is over their predetermined threshold, the man-hunter is likely to leap onto the unsuspecting gentleman, tearing off his baggy cargo shorts and having her way with him right then and there in an attempt to secure access to his steady paycheck.
Say, did you know that the economic crisis has affected not just decent, God-fearing Americans, but foreigners as well? Why, this political cartoonist from the United Arab Emirates has even drawn a cartoon about our financial problems! Isn’t that cute? He’s taken the word “collapse,” which is metaphorical when discussing the economy, but made it literal by drawing a building that’s actually collapsed! Then he labeled the hell out of a bunch of shit. From that description, you might be tempted to believe that the Foreigns are just like us, but look closer: the “joke” of this panel involves knowing the difference between finance economists and macroeconomists, and how each might perceive their own responsibility in the recent economic debacle — so, in other words, not like us at all, because we are dumb.
This Lebanese cartoon is another example of the Foreigns being very much not like us. Hillary Clinton (engaging in the sort of Uncle Sam cosplay that she can only get away with overseas, away from the harsh glare of the U.S. media) is chasing a terrified be-slippered Iranian mullah with what could be one of two things: An ice sculpture of an arm, or an actual severed human arm that has been frozen to prevent it from putrefying. “SHAKE HANDS BEFORE IT MELTS,” she demands. If Hillary Clinton were to threaten foreign leaders with bloody detached limbs in every country she goes to, the world would, I think, be a much calmer and more pro-American place.
Oh, wait, hey, what about the Health Care? Health Care, as you know, is a beautiful, innocent sleeping baby, tucked away in a maternity ward. Unfortunately, this maternity ward just lets any old elephant furry wander in off the street, to steal or eat the babies inside or whatever. You know that a trench coat is a universal symbol for perverts, right? DEAR HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATORS: DO NOT LET PERVERT ELEPHANT FURRIES NEAR YOUR ADORABLE SLEEPING HEALTH CARE BABIES. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT.
OK, do you want to know the real reason why the elephant furries have been able to kill the Health Care? Here it is: Lobbyists are walking into the offices of each and every member of Congress as we speak. In one hand they hold giant sacks of money, but that’s just a cover, as it’s what you’d expect a lobbyist to bring on a Congressional visit. Once alone with the lawmaker, they reveal their terrifying secret weapon: a monstrous Michael Steele homunculus. Just look at that grinning little face. You’d do anything the lobbyist said, just to make him put the mini-Steele back into its little box. And that’s how Michael Steele saved the Republican party, the end.
That’s Michael Steele? Really?
I thought it was Henry Waxman with a tan. See, labels really do serve a purpose.
That arm that Hillary’s carrying actually belongs to Charlton Heston. Cold, dead, no gun.
Love the Mike Steele baby/man/thing (glasses?). Since I am expecting a new brood of spider eye-babies*, maybe I will name one Michael.
*The pain is unendurable; someone please kill me.
The health reform baby is Benjamin Button. The HEALTH LOBBY bought it from the pedo-elephant.
SmutBoffin: Uh, oh. Cue “McCainBlogette”.
W/R/T the first cartoon - I thought that was min. wage sneakily putting money INTO the fat american’s pocket?? As in, against your best efforts, we managed to make minimum wage a *bit* more liveable? Maybe that’s just how I want to see it.
Damn you, Minimum Wage Teenager, with your slick circa-1993 “Saved by the Bell” haircut, robbing from “The Economy” with your disgusting “admirable work ethic”, robbing Real Americans (read: fatties) of the horrifyingly massive sum of “a livable wage”!
So wait, the point of the first cartoon is that if McDonald’s could only pay its fry cooks $1.75/hr like they deserve, the middle aged auto worker or whatever would still have a job? Because McDonalds would then (ummm, trying to think like a wingnut here) hire more middle aged auto workers? Or pay the difference to Uncle Sam in taxes to pay his unemployment? I am confuzed.
So the point of the first cartoon is that what matters is having a job to go to, not whether it pays enough to subsist on. That is some funny shit from a fucking cartoonist.
CorkPopper: I tried to think like a Wingnut for a minute, too (GodFUCK did my brain ever hurt) and I guess if McDonald’s could really take their army of unemployable teenagers and easily-abused immigrants and start paying them in bellybutton lint and half a peso per week, like THE FREE MARKET intended, then McDonald’s would be able to charge something like 20 cents for a Big Mac, and I - as a wingnut - would just sit there all day, gorging my fat face with refried cow rectums on a bun, just filling my slime-coated arteries with Secret Sauce and I’d be the happiest fucking wingnut in town.
Is it just me, or does the elephant in the Auth cartoon bear a striking resemblance to Dick Cheney (particularly the grimace). I don’t think it’s a mere coincidence.
Also, I thought the person you identified as “Michael Steele” was actually “Michael Jackson”, acting out his freudian desires. Also.
I want a Michael Steele doll too!
Naked Bunny with a Whip: You say ‘cartoonist’, I say ’stripper’.
TGY: But I respect strippers….
Quaid… Quaid…
Start the reactor. Free Mars…
gjdodger: Yeah I was like, wtf lay off of Waxman, he’s the one who’s finally going to haul Rove/Cheney/etc. in to testify under oath someday. But thanks Josh, you’re right, that is Michael “Baby” Steele. GET IT BECAUSE HE SAYS BABY A LOT AND IS A BABY IN THE CARTOON
That skate punk is not a symbol of minimum wage, he’s just a big fan of the song by the same name by They Might Be Giants.
Most of the rest of the cartoons appear to be Middle Eastern; they may have invented algebra, but their political humor makes that reactionary Ramirez jackass from the LA Times look like Thomas Nast.
That first cartoon has made it all so clear to me now. Remember when those minimum wage earners gave out all those subprime loans to unqualified buyers? And then those same people who live paycheck-to-paycheck bundled those loans into derivatives to be passed among them between their minimum wage hedge funds so as to eliminate all risk to themselves and their minimum wage estates, all the while encouraging Detroit to keep churning out shitty gas guzzlers that can’t compete against foreign products in their own domestic market and then refusing to grant credit to potential buyers once things turned sour so as to protect against further losses?
The point, ppl, is minimum wage earning sk83r bois have destroyed our economy and continue to rob from it while it’s down. It is time for more top down class warfare, friends.
Also, remember that time right wing hack cartoonists proved to be exactly the same type of out of touch elitist douches as everyone else who shares their ideology?
bhosp:
No, it’s obviously Waxman, even though there are no glasses, which Steele wears as well. But look at the shape of their heads and noses; that is not Humpty-Hump in that cartoon. And any self-respecting cartoonist would have slathered on the brown for Steele.
Why in the heck is Alfred E. Neuman chasing a mullah?
Nah, the little guy in the arm is Cab Calloway singing, “Have you heard of Blue Cross, the medical moocher? He charges ten grand for a single suture;/If you need a bypass, he’ll wail and grouse,/ And his co-pay will compel you to re-mortgage your house.” Hy-dee hy-dee hy-dee ho!
dum librul: Oh, so it’s about THOSE minimum wage douchebags. Well OK then. Fuck them.
The pants-striping in the Lebanese cartoon is a bit odd. Perhaps it’s saying Hillary is a fire crotch. Which is something I really didn’t want to think about.
For God’s sake, keep the Republicans away from Baby Healthcare!
mattbolt: mmmmmmmhh MacDonalds. yyyeeeaaah Big Mac. You’ve got my juices going now.Fried rectal secret sauces. ummm. minimum wagers should realize just how lucky they are - they can work and eat there all the time.
I’m pretty sure the term “slam-dancing” was changed to “moshing” somewhere between the Hinckley assassination attempt and O.J.’s low-speed chase. Further proof that WONKETTE HAS BECOME IRRELEVANT.
This is the best thing ever this week.