FAIL  4:20 pm July 30, 2009

Elderly Birther Gives Up After Two Years — Nobody Will Give Him Money!

by Ken Layne

Eating their own.Back in the good old days of making shit up about the Democrat president, mysterious gazillionaires like Richard Mellon Scaife or Montgomery Burns would give you piles of money for your wacky pursuit. The Web is still home to many such wingnut cesspools launched with Scaife’s riches! But these days, Christ, not even a full-time Birther can make a few bucks, even though he spent two of his last sad years on Earth dedicated to proving coloreds can’t be president.

Really, can’t that orange-headed fucktard Lou Dobbs send over $10,000 to help out this poor old dude?

“The Obama camp didn’t get to me. They can’t,” he told WND. “What got to me is my fellow Americans, the cheap bastards.” “I’m disappointed,” he said, explaining he lives on Social Security and a small amount of retirement money. “I just am tired of doing what I’m doing, and I get 50 e-mails a day telling me I’m a great patriot and they’re praying for me. I don’t want to hear it. Just send me $10.”

[Joe.My.God via The Awl]

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GreatOldOnesParty July 30, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Those 50 emails a day were from Wonketeers.
Wingnutz still don’t get satire.
“Pray for you” is Snarkese for “Laugh at your epic failure.”

Woodwards Friend July 30, 2009 at 4:24 pm

“I’m disappointed,” he said, explaining he lives on Social Security.


Advocatus_Diaboli July 30, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Maybe that socialist nigra will give him some gubbmint bandwidth.

orange July 30, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Free market, baby. Suck it.

Lazy Media July 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm

He should have created a “moneybomb” button like Ron Paul. How’d that turn out, anyways?

saggyboobedhag July 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm

Shouldn’t he fix his glasses, leave his parents’ basement, stop blogging and get a real job?

Jukesgrrl July 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm

Richard Mellon Scaife can’t be bothered. He’s too busy setting up a trust fund for his dog to keep the money safe from his ex-wife. You know what Harry Truman said about dogs: they’re the only thing that can save a man from cougars and PUMAs.

NoWireHangers July 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm

Now who’s going to blog about those lazy colored welfare mothers looking for handouts from hard working Americans!?

dr.giraud July 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm

Cue the violins:

” ‘This is freaky scary,’ said Tony Licursi of Kennesaw, Ga., of the sudden shutdown. ‘There was more info there than [Roman historian] Tacitus could’ve ever dreamed.’ “

HolyCow July 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

I guess if god really loved him, he’d send him some cash.

dementor July 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

But I thought patriotism and prayer were the answer to everything.

SouthernDem July 30, 2009 at 4:32 pm

He lives on social security? Fucking socialist.

tehbenton July 30, 2009 at 4:33 pm

Yes, Uncle Sam, your president is a thieving blackamoor, no matter how much you hate it. Cope.

And that Orly dentist lady. Also.

Naked Bunny with a Whip July 30, 2009 at 4:33 pm

I was going to make a joke about that really being Newell, but who would call him a “great patriot”? Nobody, is my point.

V572625694 July 30, 2009 at 4:33 pm

“My fellow Americans, the cheap bastards.” I think that’s what Blake was trying to show in that engraving. “Songs of Experience,” indeed!

shortsshortsshorts July 30, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Did you know you can make money, ON THE INTERNET? CLICK HERE. If the link doesn’t work, just keep clicking until you realize you are the above-mentioned patriot.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 30, 2009 at 4:39 pm

Maybe he’s like Oral Roberts, who famously declaimed that God would call him home if his sheeples didn’t cough up a million or so bucks.

Hey, fucktard, God is on the line. He’s telling you to chow down on a delicious platter of penii.

Gopherit July 30, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Aw, I haz a sad for the poor racist. He has feelings too, doncha know!!

Smoke Filled Roommate July 30, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Why doesn’t he just become a religious conservative non-profit org and make money that way?

SayItWithWookies July 30, 2009 at 4:41 pm

It’s nice to see that rare example of someone’s actual poverty matching their intellectual poverty.

Carrie_Okie July 30, 2009 at 4:43 pm

He should have just published this:
(I need to go bleach my eyeballs)

digibal235 July 30, 2009 at 4:44 pm

$230 in donations over 2 years. He could have made more working in Kenya.

Gorillionaire July 30, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Hard to believe or understand why this patriot didn’t amass a gigantic and profitable tax sheltered retirement account worth literally millions of dollars by the age of 70 like the rest of us regular average everyday Americans.

Airborne Toxic Event July 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm

We should forward all our Nigerian scam e-mails this guy. All he needs is hope.

Come here a minute July 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm

This proves WH Spokesmodel Robert Gibbs WRONG. He said the birthers would never go away “because for fifteen dollars you can get an Internet address and say whatever you want.” Turns out fifteen dollars is too much.

TGY July 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Let us have a moment of silence in memory of this wingnut site. Wait…what’s that snickering? Stop that!

NJB July 30, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Isn’t this man ashamed of taking tax money away from hard working Americans with his “social(ist) security”? Why doesn’t he get out there and find a real job as a Wal-Mart greeter or something?

slappypaddy July 30, 2009 at 4:52 pm

[re=374740]Carrie_Okie[/re]: “unusual paintings of obama naked with unicorns” — not to be confused with the usual paintings of obama with unicorns, which have become so trite through their sheer ubiquity.

Orcateers July 30, 2009 at 4:54 pm

I am a distant relative of Richard Mellon Scaife, even met him once. I was warned ahead of time not to talk politics, but disposition-wise, he is exactly as you might imagine him from reading about him on ‘Wonkett’. It is a testimony to how true the snark can often be.

slappypaddy July 30, 2009 at 4:54 pm

[re=374760]slappypaddy[/re]: and which don’t hold a candle to paintings of saturn devouring his children, i hasten to add.

thegunner July 30, 2009 at 4:58 pm


stew July 30, 2009 at 4:58 pm

Maybe he can ask for a government bail-out.

finallyhappy July 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm

I think Coburn should tell Ensign’s parents to give him money. And speaking of sleazeball politicians- where is a Mark Sanford story? did anyone follow his family to see if they really went to Europe on lemonade money – and if a certain senorita was also there?

Rev. Peter Lemonjello July 30, 2009 at 5:00 pm

Maybe Hillz is just waiting for the $4mil mark before she can make her move for a hostile takeover of the site.

Carrie_Okie July 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

[re=374760]slappypaddy[/re]: Right. That shet is soooo played.

gurukalehuru July 30, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Does this mean we won’t be hearing from inyourmirrorimage any more?

Suds McKenzie July 30, 2009 at 5:05 pm

I’m supposed to believe someone in Georgia knows who “Tacitus” was??

pdiddycornchips July 30, 2009 at 5:09 pm

The market downturn must really be bad if it’s effecting wingnut welfare. Although this does explain why we haven’t heard from Ann Coulter in a while.

magic titty July 30, 2009 at 5:10 pm

Haha. $10. Hahaha.

So much for not wanting handouts and socialized medicine??

Extemporanus July 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm

Don’t worry everyone!

The major DVD documentary film A QUESTION OF ELIGIBILITY comes out next week!

Mr. Sad Birfer will receive .075% of the profit from each copy sold. So, why don’t you show your support by heading over to and pre-ordering your copy today!

stew July 30, 2009 at 5:13 pm

So he’s discovering at a late age conservatives aren’t particularly generous. This is just overflowing with irony.

pdiddycornchips July 30, 2009 at 5:13 pm

I wondered what he bought with the $240 so I sent him an e-mail and asked him. He said “depends”.

qwerty42 July 30, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=374732]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: …chow down on a delicious platter of penii.
I believe that is actually a platter of lightly salted poison rat dicks. But I may be wrong.

WadISay July 30, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Well, shoot, I am “praying for him,” too. Praying that someone will plow his ass with a Garden Weasel.

Snarkalicious July 30, 2009 at 5:27 pm

[re=374725]V572625694[/re]: If I am elected preznit, I promise to make that the opening line of my inaugurial address.

Snarkalicious July 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm

[re=374805]WadISay[/re]: I’ll get Chris Walken on the line…sounds like a perfect roll for him.

geminisunmars July 30, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=374787]Extemporanus[/re]: I went there and had a wonderful time laughing and enjoying their penetrating parodies. What a fun comedy site. I’ll bookmark that and return over and over also.

Min July 30, 2009 at 5:53 pm

The Obama camp didn’t get to me. They can’t be bothered,” he told WND.

Fixed that for him.

NYNYNY July 30, 2009 at 6:00 pm

[re=374715]dr.giraud[/re]: Oh man, Tacitus is rolling in his friggin grave. Remember when the Library of Alexandria burned down? This is like that divided by a million. Times zero.

Oldskool July 30, 2009 at 6:02 pm

If he were snart he’d move to Texas and con Jeff Sessions out of $1.6 million for blimp research. He’s probably large enough that his business plan would speak for itself.

johnnypantalones July 30, 2009 at 6:02 pm

[re=374720]dementor[/re]: No, it’s patriotism, pepper, and professionalism.

Extemporanus July 30, 2009 at 6:13 pm

[re=374808]geminisunmars[/re]: World Net Daily is the one-layered Onion of comedy.

blinky_twinkie July 30, 2009 at 6:22 pm

[re=374740]Carrie_Okie[/re]: I can’t decide which of these abominations is my favorite: the one featuring Gregory House and Stalin, or the one where the Unicorn is using its horn to pick the Wall Street Bull’s nose…

Dirty Harriett July 30, 2009 at 6:24 pm

Isn’t someone going to help that poor man? (Thanks Blazing Saddles)

Paul Tardy July 30, 2009 at 6:27 pm


Oh screw it it’s not fun any more. And not paying the bills.

Naked Bunny with a Whip July 30, 2009 at 6:35 pm

[re=374885]Paul Tardy[/re]: Interesting. Please, tell us more about Obama’s wong.

LittlePig July 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

[re=374876]blinky_twinkie[/re]: I gotta go with the one with House and Uncle Joe. Looks like the good doctor is annoyed because Joe Steel has the Vicodin bottle.

obfuscator July 30, 2009 at 7:02 pm

“… I get 50 e-mails a day telling me I’m a great patriot and they’re praying for me. I don’t want to hear it. Just send me $10.”

That’s the Ralph Reed mating call, if I’m not mistaken.

gjdodger July 30, 2009 at 7:12 pm

This is sad. One of the few remaining profitable ventures in America is The Quest for President Obama’s Real Birth Certificate, and we’re even losing that now. They’ll probably do all of their hunting for President Obama’s Real Birth Certificate in China now, for God’s sake. I think they should retroactively change the Economic Recovery Act and allocate a few Obamabucks© for the Birthers, so that their great industry will not go the way of the village smithy and Roller Derby.

hobospacejunkie July 30, 2009 at 7:50 pm

[re=374742]digibal235[/re]: He could’ve made more standing on a street corner.

[re=374701]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: laugh at your epic failure That is funny.

Bad Kitty July 30, 2009 at 8:11 pm

WND “Patriots” are completely accustomed to receiving $10 for their patriotic services. So, all you WND pimps, stop shorting your whores!

Mahousu July 30, 2009 at 8:38 pm

Dare I ask how exactly he managed to spend 60 to 70 hours a week for two years on this?

No, I guess I don’t dare.

Atheist Nun July 30, 2009 at 9:11 pm

[re=374790]stew[/re]: ‘So he’s discovering at a late age conservatives aren’t particularly generous. This is just overflowing with irony.’

The only thing “trickling down” for Grandpa WingNut is his own urine, “trickling down” his leg, because he cannot afford Depends Undergarments™. Don’t forget to think of Bush giving tax cuts to the multi-millionaires as you’re measuring out your daily allowance of 1/35th of your block of government cheese for lunch, Gran’pa BirtherTard! Remember: Because you voted for them, that means you’re “one of them,” (only without any of the money.)

Athar July 30, 2009 at 9:16 pm

Oh hell yes, I’ll contribute. If there’s one thing this country needs it’s more frantic hate speach from crazy old white men scared shitless blacks are coming to steal their women!

My check for ten grand is on its way, and he’ll know it’s from me because I wrote it on the side of dead carp.

widget09 July 30, 2009 at 10:00 pm

It’s amazing and ironic that dingle-tards like this consistantly vote against their own self interests. Why not ask those big time right wing blowhards for a handout?

June Cleaver 2.0 July 30, 2009 at 10:07 pm

[re=374742]digibal235[/re]: He could have made more working in Somalia, and he wouldn’t have to worry about paying any taxes.

DustBowlBlues July 30, 2009 at 10:22 pm

[re=374732]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Favorite bumper sticker, ever, from Oral’s threat that he needed a million or God would call him home:
If you can’t call him home, could you at least call him to Texas?

Some old fucktard gets a computer and his grandkids teach him how to use it and he listens to Radio-Free-Hate and figures that all you have to do is get the grandkid (a fat loser still living in his diabetic mother’s basement) to make you a web site so you can repeat shit about the president that you heard on the bozo radio and the next thing you know: Bingo! You’re as rich as Ron Paul.

And, old fart living on socialist checks, you really think that somehow you earned what was nothing but the largesse and wisdom of that old commie, FDR. Bet he loves his medicare to pay for his lifetime 2 pack a day habit heart problems and lung problems, too.

DustBowlBlues July 30, 2009 at 10:37 pm

[re=374787]Extemporanus[/re]: I’d never seen world net daily before. Now I know what you guya are talking about. Bunch of fucktard haters, aren’t they? Birthers, Deathers, what’s next? Every time the MSM, whatever the fuck that is these days, says something the haters think is favorable to Hopey, a unicorn dies? And notice how they tout the “NYT Bestseller” list? Wait–isn’t the NYT the definition of MSM? I’m so confused.

Hard for those of us who live in a fact-based reality to understand what is wrong with these people. The problem with them is that they are relentless. Don’t they ever take time out to do something else?

sezme July 30, 2009 at 10:49 pm

Why won’t Mitch Stewart share his bounty with this patriotic US American (idiot)?

wildturtlelove July 30, 2009 at 11:12 pm

Thanks for choosing Goya’s “Saturn Devouring One of His Children” as tonight’s Birther Mascot
(it’s evidently a partial-birth abortion episode, not the long form).

Goya’s view of Spain in the 1820s prefigures the repugs, especially his depictions of tortured prisoners and the suite of etchings “Disasters of War”.

For an art-history treat, google/image “Goya Witches Sabbath”: John McCain, Sarah Palin and Trig.

imissopus July 30, 2009 at 11:50 pm

[re=374980]Mahousu[/re]: Well, that probably includes all the times he dozed off at his monitor.

thehelveticascenario July 30, 2009 at 11:50 pm

[re=374980]Mahousu[/re]: And yet he didn’t come up with conclusive proof! Stunning.

Trace July 31, 2009 at 11:50 am

From this moment on, every time someone uses the phrase “my fellow Americans,” it must be followed by a bitter “the cheap bastards.”

This goes for you, too, Mr. President! Make it happen!

teebob2000 July 31, 2009 at 11:59 am

[re=374787]Extemporanus[/re]: Huh?? He’s trying to enter the NFL draft??

Rascalcat July 31, 2009 at 12:43 pm

A victim of capitalism.

WND has sucked every potential penny out of the birther movement.

tiger July 31, 2009 at 12:53 pm

so where do i send the pipe-bomb, uh, i mean 10 bucks?

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