NOSTALGIA  3:14 pm July 30, 2009

Why Can’t GI Joe Kill Slants & Gooks Like He Used To, When He Was American?

by Ken Layne

You know who used to be American, when he killed fucking foreigners in “World War II or Korea or one of these places,” while wearing the proper green “Army duds,” before liberal Hollywood turned him into a cocksucking cross-dresser? GI JOE THAT IS WHO, come on.

World War II was indeed one of the most awesome “places,” for America. And National Review clown John Miller remembers the good old days, when GI JOE was red, white and blue … not black.

Jesus, man, Miller was about to take his kids to see this movie, to teach ‘em how White America kills the shit out of browns, and what even is this crap? Stop making anti-war movies, Hollywood! He remembers, he remembers. [ProgressNotCongress via "Matt Shimkus"]

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Judas Peckerwood July 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Dude admits he played with dolls.

tacdab July 30, 2009 at 3:21 pm

“It’s a business decision…” *click*

Seriously, never been angrier about the waste of 7 seconds of my life before.

And bring back the 500 faces of Zooey Deschanel.

bfstevie July 30, 2009 at 3:22 pm

Is it necessary that one played with dolls as a boy child to be a columnist for National Review? This guy’s kids can still play with Malibu Stacy and Caribou Barbie.

ManchuCandidate July 30, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Yeah, nothing’s more US America than Kung Fu grip.

facehead July 30, 2009 at 3:24 pm

The slow news day rears its ugly rear.

A rare example of GOING FULL BANAL.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 30, 2009 at 3:24 pm

What fucking channel was that and what fucking show was that? I’ll be sure to never watch either again. Are they going for banal? ‘Cause if their going for banal, then they fucking won.

tehbenton July 30, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Squarest. Head. Ever. Did he spend his formative years in a shoebox, or something?

Manos: Hands of Fate July 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Guess what a**hole. Kids in the 50s played with green khaki wearing GI Joe dolls, no doubt imagining killing Asians or Russians. Then they were forced to do it for real and figured what a bunch of bs it all was.

So when they revived it in the ’80s, they wisely made it about ninjas, laser beams and big robots.

orange July 30, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Seriously, when will Hollywood grow up and make a serious movie about cartoons fighting Cobra.

Humpback July 30, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Hey, what’s wrong with melting the Eifel Tower?

Also, Ken, opening graph–You *know* who…

GreatOldOnesParty July 30, 2009 at 3:27 pm

“Real American heroes” = “Dead Pentagon coverups”

chascates July 30, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Pussy whipped by Jane ‘Barbie’ Fonda.

FMA July 30, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Who would have ever guessed that such incredible stupidity could be so fucking boring?

StripesAndPlaids July 30, 2009 at 3:30 pm

[re=374570]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: Action Figures, thank you very much.

DirkLeisure July 30, 2009 at 3:32 pm

The original GI Joe was un’Merican for two reasons:

1. Cobra soldiers wore blue and red uniforms, a clear reference to the producer’s hatred of our flag.

2. Nobody ever died. Everyone knows killing people is what America is all about.

Carrie_Okie July 30, 2009 at 3:33 pm

I wanted terrorists to get all three of those morans.

Scarab July 30, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Ah nostalgia, the illusion of permanence for the dim-witted.

GreatOldOnesParty July 30, 2009 at 3:33 pm

[re=374582]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Oh just you wait. You’ll regret those words when our laser-wielding ninja conquerors arrive in their giant mecha and force us all to speak Engrish.

norbizness July 30, 2009 at 3:34 pm

If he’s looking for a manly replacement for the emasculated Joes, he would well turn towards OSI from the Venture Brothers. BOOM! Yummy!

SayItWithWookies July 30, 2009 at 3:35 pm

And where’s the all-American cattle prod and alligator clips that GI Joe should use for interrogations?

Smoke Filled Roommate July 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm

“What [Hollywood] is refusing to do now is make great movies about Real American Heroes that are successful in killing those motherfucking Towelhead Durka Durka Haji Sand Niggers.”

Kaylub July 30, 2009 at 3:37 pm

I think he meant 40 years ago. The G.I. Joe of the ’80s was just a bunch of offensive stereotypes fighting another bunch of offensive stereotypes, none of them in World War II or Korea. The good guys were American, and the bad guys were a bunch of stateless terrorists who were also American (or from European countries with outrageous accents).

EndlessMike July 30, 2009 at 3:38 pm

I like where he says they wouldn’t make a Captain America movie. Guess he didn’t hear about the Captain America movie in pre-production.

Noonan July 30, 2009 at 3:38 pm

Donnie Douche loves capitalism more than he loves American Heroes. And, as we know, those are diametrically opposed values, because we live in Socialist Mecca.

c-sick July 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=374583]orange[/re]: i totally agree, if those liberal hollywood fags (aka jews) dont take the threat of Serpentor and his air chariot more seriosuly then the terrorists truly have won. WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

EndlessMike July 30, 2009 at 3:45 pm

To be fair, this isn’t my GI Joe, either since my Joes didn’t all wear identical black armor. Hell, one or two of them wore Hawaiian shirts!

Tommmcatt July 30, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Wow. Fappy-fappy-fap-fap-fap, rolled-up sweatsocks for all!

Next they’ll debate whether “Dora the Explorer” contributes to illegal immigration.

facehead July 30, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=374621]c-sick[/re]: Snake Eyes (AKA THE MASKED KENYAN, AKA OBAMA) is our only hope.

AxmxZ July 30, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Pepperidge Farm also remembers.

Extemporanus July 30, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=374582]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Sad but true, dat.

I suspect that the boys in that early 60s G.I. Joe commercial did not die of old age.

orange July 30, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=374629]Tommmcatt[/re]: I think the more important debate is how badly that franchise is deforming the ability of our children to rhyme. Dora does in no fucking way rhyme with Explorer.

el_chupacabra July 30, 2009 at 4:02 pm

i remember GI Joe like so

Paul Tardy July 30, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Hero for the new American century

Lt. George Hurd IED Hunter

FWIW, my GI JOE lost his life deep sea diving off the coast of Brooklyn. I sent him down with crummy equipment only suited to a kiddy pool. He lost his life, and I have had to live my life knowing I was responsible. Sorry Joe, but it was better that way, ultimately your fate would have been eBay, if you had survived.

Extemporanus July 30, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=374622]EndlessMike[/re]: Oh my god! The G.I. Joe “Village People” set was fabulous!

Carrie_Okie July 30, 2009 at 4:08 pm
queeraselvis v 2.0 July 30, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=374668]Extemporanus[/re]: So. Much. Goddamn. WIN.

Also, true fact: GI Joe was also quite the down-low aficionado. Here’s his boyfriend.

McDuff July 30, 2009 at 4:26 pm

According to the clips I’ve seen on the TV box, the GI Joes, token GI Jane, and the terrorists pretty much tear up Paris — what could be more heart-warming to an American than that? But, then the writer probably stole that whole “American heroes destroy Paris to save it from terrorists” plot from Team America (F*ck Yeah!) any way.

smitallica July 30, 2009 at 4:28 pm

Body massage!

Extemporanus July 30, 2009 at 4:38 pm

[re=374691]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ohhh, Billy! What a big [NSFW!] gun you have!

There’s a store in the Castro that used to fill their front window with naked Billy dolls (and his other buff brethren, such as Carlos) during Pride Week and stuff. Or maybe they always did it? I don’t know, but it was pretty damn great.

Also, I have this 16ft tall Billy sculpture by Alex “Yes, that’s really my name” Hancock in my foyer. I turned his cock into an overhead light.

Jukesgrrl July 30, 2009 at 4:58 pm

The G.I. Joe of the ’80s is still in prison for sex crimes he did to the Brooke Shields doll. Eddie Murphy told me.

jasper f. krone July 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm

I can think of a reason not to see this movie that has nothing whatsoever to do with dolls, terrorists, Donnie Deutsch, or foreigners: it’s a useless piece of cinetrash. Isn’t that reason enough?

Can’t he (Donnie) just go back to trying to make GM look like an automobile manufacturer, or make GE look like it’s not a purveyor of benzene and plutonium, or whatever the hell it is he does?

Dashboard_Buddha July 30, 2009 at 5:23 pm

What does, “salt on your fire” mean?

Number6 July 30, 2009 at 5:24 pm

What’s more American than making a pile of money off foreigners?

When I was a young’un we considered GI Joe a doll for sissies. They were too expensive to blow up with firecrakers or set on fire with lighter fluid, also. We had “monkey patrol” gear for training up to kill said gooks.

My college roomie, the “artist”, had a deep sea diver Joe which he kept in the toilet tank with a hand reaching out from under the lid or suspended from the light fixture in the middle of the room by his air hose.

Madeline July 30, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Back when I was a kid, GI Joe was American and red, white and blue, and shit. Back then, we didn’t have video games, either. And only three channels on the teevee. Everything should be exactly the same as it was when I was a kid.

facehead July 30, 2009 at 5:35 pm

[re=374659]el_chupacabra[/re]: That won my whole day.

imissopus July 30, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Perhaps Mr. Big Square Head is unaware of how much furriner money flows into Hollywood to pay for all these movies. The studios over the years have put up fewer and fewer production funds from their own pockets, paying only for distribution and marketing instead. So, suck it yet again, NRO.

Min July 30, 2009 at 6:06 pm

It was a toy, dude.

zhubajie July 30, 2009 at 6:45 pm

Because Bruce Lee kicked his ass?

Zhu Bajie

Georgia Burning July 30, 2009 at 6:47 pm

“Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity”? If you go back to the 60′s please bring back the “United Nations Command for Law and Enforcement” (UNCLE). Solo and Kuryakin always found the hottest villian babes. THAT sells internationally, my friend!

doloras July 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

Are we all missing the real issue here?!? The real issue is that, with this movie, Christopher Eccleston, the Ninth Doctor himself, has shamed himself forever. Oh, big-ears.

Uncle Glenny July 30, 2009 at 8:06 pm

[re=374629]Tommmcatt[/re]: Or Harriet the Spy precipitated telecom immunity.

Bad Kitty July 30, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Have you ever looked at GI Joe? He’s perfect. Perfect body, crisp, starched clothing, chiseled features, posed ever so gracefully. He NEVER picked his ass or spit in public. Good Lord, people: He has ALWAYS been gay. It’s the American way…just don’t ask, or tell. Not that it matters.

Lambo July 30, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Wow. Jim J. Bullock took a hard right turn.

LindsayBluth July 30, 2009 at 11:01 pm

Imagine what would happen to this fellas head if someone told him they were doing a movie where they remade Barbie and the Rockers as a tejano band??

bago August 2, 2009 at 8:00 pm

In my day G.I. Joe always remembered their porck-chop sandwiches.

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