Why Can’t GI Joe Kill Slants & Gooks Like He Used To, When He Was American?

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You know who used to be American, when he killed fucking foreigners in “World War II or Korea or one of these places,” while wearing the proper green “Army duds,” before liberal Hollywood turned him into a cocksucking cross-dresser? GI JOE THAT IS WHO, come on.

World War II was indeed one of the most awesome “places,” for America. And National Review clown John Miller remembers the good old days, when GI JOE was red, white and blue … not black.

Jesus, man, Miller was about to take his kids to see this movie, to teach ’em how White America kills the shit out of browns, and what even is this crap? Stop making anti-war movies, Hollywood! He remembers, he remembers. [ProgressNotCongress via “Matt Shimkus”]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Dude admits he played with dolls.

  • tacdab

    “It’s a business decision…” *click*

    Seriously, never been angrier about the waste of 7 seconds of my life before.

    And bring back the 500 faces of Zooey Deschanel.

  • bfstevie

    Is it necessary that one played with dolls as a boy child to be a columnist for National Review? This guy’s kids can still play with Malibu Stacy and Caribou Barbie.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Yeah, nothing’s more US America than Kung Fu grip.

  • facehead

    The slow news day rears its ugly rear.

    A rare example of GOING FULL BANAL.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    What fucking channel was that and what fucking show was that? I’ll be sure to never watch either again. Are they going for banal? ‘Cause if their going for banal, then they fucking won.

  • tehbenton

    Squarest. Head. Ever. Did he spend his formative years in a shoebox, or something?

  • Manos: Hands of Fate

    Guess what a**hole. Kids in the 50s played with green khaki wearing GI Joe dolls, no doubt imagining killing Asians or Russians. Then they were forced to do it for real and figured what a bunch of bs it all was.

    So when they revived it in the ’80s, they wisely made it about ninjas, laser beams and big robots.

  • orange

    Seriously, when will Hollywood grow up and make a serious movie about cartoons fighting Cobra.

  • Humpback

    Hey, what’s wrong with melting the Eifel Tower?

    Also, Ken, opening graph–You *know* who…

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    “Real American heroes” = “Dead Pentagon coverups”

  • chascates

    Pussy whipped by Jane ‘Barbie’ Fonda.

  • FMA

    Who would have ever guessed that such incredible stupidity could be so fucking boring?

  • StripesAndPlaids

    [re=374570]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: Action Figures, thank you very much.

  • DirkLeisure

    The original GI Joe was un’Merican for two reasons:

    1. Cobra soldiers wore blue and red uniforms, a clear reference to the producer’s hatred of our flag.

    2. Nobody ever died. Everyone knows killing people is what America is all about.

  • Carrie_Okie

    I wanted terrorists to get all three of those morans.

  • Scarab

    Ah nostalgia, the illusion of permanence for the dim-witted.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=374582]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Oh just you wait. You’ll regret those words when our laser-wielding ninja conquerors arrive in their giant mecha and force us all to speak Engrish.

  • norbizness

    If he’s looking for a manly replacement for the emasculated Joes, he would well turn towards OSI from the Venture Brothers. BOOM! Yummy!

  • SayItWithWookies

    And where’s the all-American cattle prod and alligator clips that GI Joe should use for interrogations?

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    “What [Hollywood] is refusing to do now is make great movies about Real American Heroes that are successful in killing those motherfucking Towelhead Durka Durka Haji Sand Niggers.”

  • Kaylub

    I think he meant 40 years ago. The G.I. Joe of the ’80s was just a bunch of offensive stereotypes fighting another bunch of offensive stereotypes, none of them in World War II or Korea. The good guys were American, and the bad guys were a bunch of stateless terrorists who were also American (or from European countries with outrageous accents).

  • EndlessMike

    I like where he says they wouldn’t make a Captain America movie. Guess he didn’t hear about the Captain America movie in pre-production.

  • Noonan

    Donnie Douche loves capitalism more than he loves American Heroes. And, as we know, those are diametrically opposed values, because we live in Socialist Mecca.

  • c-sick

    [re=374583]orange[/re]: i totally agree, if those liberal hollywood fags (aka jews) dont take the threat of Serpentor and his air chariot more seriosuly then the terrorists truly have won. WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

  • EndlessMike

    To be fair, this isn’t my GI Joe, either since my Joes didn’t all wear identical black armor. Hell, one or two of them wore Hawaiian shirts!

  • Tommmcatt

    Wow. Fappy-fappy-fap-fap-fap, rolled-up sweatsocks for all!

    Next they’ll debate whether “Dora the Explorer” contributes to illegal immigration.

  • facehead

    [re=374621]c-sick[/re]: Snake Eyes (AKA THE MASKED KENYAN, AKA OBAMA) is our only hope.

  • AxmxZ

    Pepperidge Farm also remembers.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=374582]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Sad but true, dat.

    I suspect that the boys in that early 60s G.I. Joe commercial did not die of old age.

  • orange

    [re=374629]Tommmcatt[/re]: I think the more important debate is how badly that franchise is deforming the ability of our children to rhyme. Dora does in no fucking way rhyme with Explorer.

  • el_chupacabra
  • Paul Tardy

    Hero for the new American century

    Lt. George Hurd IED Hunter

    FWIW, my GI JOE lost his life deep sea diving off the coast of Brooklyn. I sent him down with crummy equipment only suited to a kiddy pool. He lost his life, and I have had to live my life knowing I was responsible. Sorry Joe, but it was better that way, ultimately your fate would have been eBay, if you had survived.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=374622]EndlessMike[/re]: Oh my god! The G.I. Joe “Village People” set was fabulous!

  • Carrie_Okie
  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=374668]Extemporanus[/re]: So. Much. Goddamn. WIN.

    Also, true fact: GI Joe was also quite the down-low aficionado. Here’s his boyfriend.

  • McDuff

    According to the clips I’ve seen on the TV box, the GI Joes, token GI Jane, and the terrorists pretty much tear up Paris — what could be more heart-warming to an American than that? But, then the writer probably stole that whole “American heroes destroy Paris to save it from terrorists” plot from Team America (F*ck Yeah!) any way.

  • smitallica

    Body massage!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=374691]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Ohhh, Billy! What a big [NSFW!] gun you have!

    There’s a store in the Castro that used to fill their front window with naked Billy dolls (and his other buff brethren, such as Carlos) during Pride Week and stuff. Or maybe they always did it? I don’t know, but it was pretty damn great.

    Also, I have this 16ft tall Billy sculpture by Alex “Yes, that’s really my name” Hancock in my foyer. I turned his cock into an overhead light.

  • Jukesgrrl

    The G.I. Joe of the ’80s is still in prison for sex crimes he did to the Brooke Shields doll. Eddie Murphy told me.

  • jasper f. krone

    I can think of a reason not to see this movie that has nothing whatsoever to do with dolls, terrorists, Donnie Deutsch, or foreigners: it’s a useless piece of cinetrash. Isn’t that reason enough?

    Can’t he (Donnie) just go back to trying to make GM look like an automobile manufacturer, or make GE look like it’s not a purveyor of benzene and plutonium, or whatever the hell it is he does?

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    What does, “salt on your fire” mean?

  • Number6

    What’s more American than making a pile of money off foreigners?

    When I was a young’un we considered GI Joe a doll for sissies. They were too expensive to blow up with firecrakers or set on fire with lighter fluid, also. We had “monkey patrol” gear for training up to kill said gooks.

    My college roomie, the “artist”, had a deep sea diver Joe which he kept in the toilet tank with a hand reaching out from under the lid or suspended from the light fixture in the middle of the room by his air hose.

  • Madeline

    Back when I was a kid, GI Joe was American and red, white and blue, and shit. Back then, we didn’t have video games, either. And only three channels on the teevee. Everything should be exactly the same as it was when I was a kid.

  • facehead

    [re=374659]el_chupacabra[/re]: That won my whole day.

  • imissopus

    Perhaps Mr. Big Square Head is unaware of how much furriner money flows into Hollywood to pay for all these movies. The studios over the years have put up fewer and fewer production funds from their own pockets, paying only for distribution and marketing instead. So, suck it yet again, NRO.

  • Min

    It was a toy, dude.

  • zhubajie

    Because Bruce Lee kicked his ass?

    Zhu Bajie

  • Georgia Burning

    “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity”? If you go back to the 60’s please bring back the “United Nations Command for Law and Enforcement” (UNCLE). Solo and Kuryakin always found the hottest villian babes. THAT sells internationally, my friend!

  • doloras

    Are we all missing the real issue here?!? The real issue is that, with this movie, Christopher Eccleston, the Ninth Doctor himself, has shamed himself forever. Oh, big-ears.

  • Uncle Glenny

    [re=374629]Tommmcatt[/re]: Or Harriet the Spy precipitated telecom immunity.

  • Bad Kitty

    Have you ever looked at GI Joe? He’s perfect. Perfect body, crisp, starched clothing, chiseled features, posed ever so gracefully. He NEVER picked his ass or spit in public. Good Lord, people: He has ALWAYS been gay. It’s the American way…just don’t ask, or tell. Not that it matters.

  • Lambo

    Wow. Jim J. Bullock took a hard right turn.

  • LindsayBluth

    Imagine what would happen to this fellas head if someone told him they were doing a movie where they remade Barbie and the Rockers as a tejano band??

  • bago

    In my day G.I. Joe always remembered their porck-chop sandwiches.