O Holy Day, look what just dropped in ye olde “Wonkett” tips box! Cougs is back for more: “Will you follow this link to sign the birthday card? There’s even a special space to leave a personal message of encouragement for John. After you’ve signed the card, I hope you’ll make a generous contribution to John’s reelection campaign, so he can continue his service to our country.” We will do one of these things!

Remember people, you must check “Publish my comments,” because who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky.

But “seriously,” Happy Birthday, WALNUTS! Let’s go nuts and roll that clip one more time.

John McCain Birthday Card [John McCain]

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  1. This is going to end well, and on Twitter. Should be delicious. Also, someone should tell WALNUTS! that there is no virtue in trying to match poor, doddering Robert Byrd for senatorial longevity.

  2. My birthday message for McCain:
    “Happy Birthday! Thank goodness you didn’t get elected, or you wouldn’t be HAVING a birthday today, because Sarah Palin would have poisoned your oatmeal and jump-started Armageddon by now!”

  3. Dear Cranky Old Douchebag

    Happy Birthday, my gift to you is a DVD of Sarah Palin’s campaign speeches and debate appearances and DVD of the old Maverick series. Enjoy

  4. Happy Birthday, Senator — and I hope you do for Arizona what you did for the country: i.e. leave it to someone more competent than yourself.

  5. Dear Senator, How can we thank you enough for the gift of Sarah? If it weren’t for you, she’d still be an unidentified and undistinguished Alaska governor instead of the icon we know now. You were prescient in predicting Palin’s palpability and we will forever remember your hand in her rise from Wasilla to her, uh, return to Wasilla.

  6. My message:

    “Yoo-hoo! Over here, John! Look at the shiny keys. That’s it! That’s my John! Ok, now gimme a big smile, and…goddammit!”

  7. What a coincidence, he was born in the year (1893) the Happy Birthday song hit #1 on the John Philip Sousa Goodtime Telegraphic Hit Parade.

  8. Trollopy cunt’s site wouldn’t accept my fake credit card number for my $0 donation. I can’t believe I wasted 5 and a half minutes on that shit.

  9. Hey, John! Happy Birthday!

    PS – While you’re reading these messages, Cindy’s blowing me.


    Every guy who ever played bass for Nightranger

  10. A happy birfday to yer McBush. Maybe there’ll be a party at one of your houses, somewhere.

    And to Cindy – nights in white satin…never reaching the end…

  11. Am I the only one who thinks Cin looked way better with her hair in a sexy crop? At least that way she couldn’t pull it back in that severe Stepford look that really brings out her cold, dead eyes.

  12. Walnuts doesn’t know how to use a com-pyoo-tar, so the chances of his reading this are close to nil, unless Cindy regurgitates it to him through her second mouth personally.

  13. You’re not getting older, you’re just getting more time to remember that you ran one of the most laughable Presidential campaigns in history.

  14. I thought his birthday was in late August – maybe Cindy doesn’t think he’ll make it.

    Dear Walnuts,

    Happy birthday. Is George Bush going to play guitar at your birthday bash, or did you give him the address for the wrong house like last year?

  15. “It’s so fantastic that you’ve lived this long to serve our country and run for president, John McCain. I hope you live forever.

    I’m going to bake a cake a cake tonight that will eventually look like you.”

  16. First name: Real
    Last name: ‘merican
    Zip Code: 90210


    MCCAIN/PALIN 08 4 EVARR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. [re=373637]NJB[/re]: Yeah, it’s a month early. Maybe Cin is back on the opiates.

    Dear John,

    I’ve always wanted to write a ‘Dear John’ letter. Hey-O!
    Anyway, Happy Birthday ya Panamanian fucknut!

  18. Haooy Birthday, John. I’m so pleased that you lived long enough to realize what a huge fucking mistake it was to unleash Sarah Palin upon the lower 48. Repent at your leisure, Senator.

  19. Happy birthday. Old Fart Who Was Wiling To Throw the Republic Under a Bus To Be President. My birthday wish for you?

    Eat shit (maybe from one of your running mate’s dead moose) and die.

  20. Here’s a good joke to share with old people, I have great sucess with this.
    So, John and Cindy, due to failing health, decide to move into a very upscale skilled nursing facility in Scottsdale. (aka nursing home in Real ‘Merica ). After getting settled, they have an appointment with the head nurse, who tells Gramps that he needs a urine, blood, stool and semen sample. Gramps turns to Cindy and says “What did he say? What? Huh?”
    Cindy then yells into his “good” ear,
    “He needs a pair of your dirty underwear!”

  21. Hello Interns, I realize that you are the poor souls reading this and not actually John McCain b/c he left his readers in one of his other houses and he forgot which one. I am taking pity on you Interns today, because I realize that life is hard. I just hope that somewhere, someday, you will finally figure out that the Republicans are always for Voldemort.


  22. Let’s play the clip of Walnuts and Bush sharing a birthday cake at the arrival of hurricane Katrina. Happy birthday, Walnuts! Remember that fun?!

  23. Well, JSD *did* give a nice concession speech after the election, so yeah. I’ll wish him a happy birthday and many more! Either concession speeches or birthdays, whichevs.

  24. [re=373586]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I believe it’s a one-to-one mapping of the set of all possible phonemes onto the set of all things that make Palinites go BZZZZZZZIIIINNNNGGGG!

  25. Dear John,

    I hope you’re enjoying being one of forty. Too bad you republitards didn’t do away with the Senate’s 60-vote cloture rule back in 2005 like you were threatening. Then you would now be completely powerless instead of just mostly powerless.

    Good work!


  26. Rich people begging for money. Isn’t that what this country is all about? Cindy: crack open a Bud, tweet at your kids, give John a hot walnuts-job, whatever, but LEAVE US ALONE!!!

  27. [re=373698]Extemporanus[/re]: Wow. I did not know that existed. Now I am certainly going to the hell I don’t believe in for laughing so hard.

  28. Dear Walnuts:

    Happy Birthday
    Oh, Happy Birthday.
    Gloom and Sorrow and Despair,
    People dying everywhere,
    On your birthday.
    So Happy Birthday.

    PS, I fixed you a yummy bag of dicks just for the occasion. Enjoy!

    QAE v 2.0

  29. I tried to send an honest Happy Birthday wish mainly because I’m so glad he’s not in the Oval
    Office trying to avoid Sarah Palins’ relentless badgering to “let Todd take a shot at runnin
    the Pentagon”. But they kept red !ing me to make a contribution so I gave up and came here to
    voice my jaundiced view. Thank you.

  30. Hey Gramps – hope you’re spending the day getting teabagged by “Joe” the “Plumber” : I hear it does wonders for skin cancer.

  31. Forever Friends was like Menudo, but with retards. Good thing there’s a new lead singer in the wings—Corky’s gotten a little long in the tooth.

    He can still bust a move like he did in the good old days, though!

    Fight the power! Up with Downs, yo!

  32. [re=373730]Extemporanus[/re]: replies to [re=373717]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]:

    Lesson learned: Make light of the retarded, make a retarded mistake.

  33. HENGGGHH-y Birthday to you
    HENGGGHH-y Birthday to you
    HENGGGHH-y Birthday you shriveled up old douche bag
    HENGGGHH-y Birthday to you. Also too.

  34. If no Wonketteer has told the senator from the Great State of Arizona to “gum” a bag of dicks for his birthday, then you have failed America!

  35. What a prick McCain is.. he only wants CASH for his birthday! I was going to send him a pair of trucknutz that he could hang from his vehicle as he cruises around Cornville Sedona!!

  36. I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! I’ve got mail! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!

  37. John, you are the sexiest Senator ever. I especially like your big fat walnut-cheeks. I envy Cindy, who gets to enjoy them when she is not otherwise occupied chasing down barely legal young cougar bait. Many happy returns of the day!

  38. Happy 147th Birthday!
    Thanks so much for the funny Alaskan clown lady you introduced us to. She’s been a real hoot. Can we send her back to you now?

  39. McGoo,

    You’re a (-!-) (-0-) and (X).

    It’s that texting shit that cost you the election….I did it! But sure, our country needs you and George W. You guys could blow jello shooters up each others ass and no one would smell it on your breath, you know, the licker. Have fun, trash another airoplane.



  40. Cindy looks like she’s dummy John’s ventriloquist. “Quiet dummy.” “I’m no dummy, that’s my running mate, yuk yuk yuk!” And now, I’ll drink this water while John sings some Abba and Meghan… ehh she’s talentless.”

  41. As you celebrate your 135th birthday, I want to wish you the best. I am sorry you can’t celebrate in the White House, with bomb bomb bomb, bomb bombing Iran and killing non-Christians, as is your want, but maybe you can take solace in one of your many sprawling estates. Enjoy your upcoming retirement and take care!

    Perhaps I shouldn’t have signed with my real name…

  42. Man, I had to give my email to publish my B’day wish. Just can’t wait for the requests for money from the RNC. Anyway, I wished him a “Happy B’Day!! You don’t look a day over 102!!!” But I forgot to ask him to shut up that whore daughter of his….

  43. [re=373806]azw88[/re]: I wanted to send him some apricots and cigarettes so he could feel at home selling us up the river in Vietnam again, but I was told that would be tactless.

  44. John, you’re decision to leave the Navy was very troubling to me. As was your adultery that came before it.
    Running for President made me proud but you turned your back on your country when you picked that ignorant little gal to run with you. Then you lied about things you knew to be true and you changed your long-held positions just to do better in the polls.
    I think the best thing you could do now is resign, return to your home and spend time with your grandchildren.

  45. [re=373932]jodyleek[/re]: I am still laughing, and I’ll be laughing anew when my wife gets home and I great her with that message.

  46. [re=373820]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: [re=374087]El Pinche[/re]: I was really hoping to track down video of the event I’m about to describe, but no such luck…yet.

    Back in the late 90s, Mr. Burke went on some kind of “You can do it ‘Cause You’re Special!”-type college speaking tour. He busted out some old school freestyle spazzing as he took the stage at UW-Madison, and the entire crowd immediately erupted in a spontaneous chant of “Go Corky! It’s your birthday!”

    Fist pumping the air, head bobbing up and down, legs lurching arthymically across the stage, a white-knuckled Corky stuck the mic halfway in his mouth, and then joined in the chant.

    Best. Concert. Ever!

  47. This is your message that we’ll send to John McCain:
    If you buy me a plane ticket to Alaska I will poop on Palin’s doorstep for you and never tell a soul who sent me. You know you’ve wanted this to happen for a long time. Think about, m’kay?

  48. They wanted to charge me to tell him to eat a big bagodix for his birthday. I tried to select the option to give $4,800/month automatically, but they wouldn’t allow it. Somebody over there does not have very good business sense.

  49. Hey, John,

    I’ve lived in Arizona longer than you have and I am STILL a couple of hundred years younger, at least. Why don’t you take one of Cindabitch’s planes out with that fucking Iowan Kyl and see if the Grand Canyon is still there? I’ll be waving at you and sending you a secret message by laser beam, so you don’t need to worry about that little red dot, too much. Make it a date!

  50. I like abusing Unicode characters it seems:

    ‮Dear John,
    ‮What does it feel like to have one’s age overflow a signed 32-bit integer when measured in seconds?‭

    I sent that without the trailing left-to-right override character, present in this post, let’s see how it works. I’m hoping that the script on McCain’s website does not check for semi-malicious Unicode characters and several hundred messages end up backwards, at least until they discover my message. BTW do Wonkette’s website scripts check for abusive uses of Unicode characters? It might be a good time to check.

  51. Dear Walnuts:

    I’ve come to wish you an unhappy birthday.
    Because you’re evil, and you lie.
    And if you should die,
    I may feel slightly sad, but I won’t cry.


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