Wonkette
Harlem Globegringo WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON stopped by Z Burger in Tenleytown to pick up a light snack. And what did he order? “A double burger, onion rings, french fries, an apple pie milkshake,” a piece of chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, some salami, a lollipop, a slice of cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, a watermelon and a gigantic green leaf. Then he spun himself a GREASY, DEEP-FRIED COCOON and hours later, voilà! BILL THE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY …
Guess who was in town Monday night, and guess who didn’t care, in the slightest? Yes, critically acclaimed ’90s genie KAZAAM made an unannounced visit to the White House, in hopes that he could grant PRESIDENT OBAMA three wishes, and maybe play a quick game of knockout or PIG? Denied! Poor dejected Shaq confided in his Twitter, “The white house wouldn’t let me in, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.” Oh MEGHAN? Woo-hoo! We know someone you should meet … KAZAAM! …
Old frumpy floppy disk BILL GATES has too many friends, on the internet, so he had to deactivate his Facebook account, before it exploded. As is often the case, Bill couldn’t pick out his real friends from the 10,000 “friend” requests he had. Bill has left Facebook? NO! Say goodbye to the photos of iPerson STEVE JOBS drawing dicks all over a blacked-out Bill, with an iSharpie …
Thirsty Thursdays! Tomorrow, remorseless cop killer BARACK OBAMA will drink beer, play Xbox and “chill” with Cambridge buttinsky JAMES CROWLEY and professor-homeowner HENRY LOUIS GATES. But what kind of brews should they “bro out” with? Gates enjoys Natural Ice but Crowley is more of a MILWAUKEE’S BEST kind of guy. Of course, Barack Obama only drinks Corona — or any Mexican beer, Negra Sotomayordelo is fine — with a dollop of Dijon mustard. Diplomatic beer crisis! Luckily Georgian peace dove JIMMY CARTER has brokered a deal that satisfies all parties. BUSCH will be served! Slow down, Jimmy. Save some Nobel Peace Prizes for the rest of us.
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The phrase “apple pie milkshake” is an instant emetic.
Sweet post Riley.
Bill the Butterfly with ever-corroding arteries that is.
No Billy Beer?
Wow. Riley’s that hot shit right now. I’d even let him touch Jim Newell’s penis, if he wanted to.
Z Burger!? Doesn’t Billy know the Washington elite eat their burgers in Rosslyn strip malls?
If we knew what kind of beer the Prez drinks, would that result in more sales, or less?
Busch beer, really? That odious slop? Time was when Anheuser-Busch was a real family-owned ‘Murican company, with it’s main brewery in central St Louis, union shop, Clydesdales, frogs, all that good stuff. Augie Busch owned and lived on U.S. Grant’s farm.
Then the InBev folks said, “We’ll you $40/share,” and A-B was all, “No way! We are America!” Missouri politicians tried to stop the deal, etc.
So InBev said, “How about $42.50/share?” and the Busch family said “Okey-dokey!”
Great folks. Real ‘Muricans. The Clydesdales are at the slaughterhouse.
You sheeple just won’t shut up about Kazaam. The guy made on lousy movie 15 years ago and you just won’t drop it. I say boo.
I’m dizzy and a bit nauseous after skimming this article because all I saw was the bold type.
El Pinche: Shatner sez being mocked for one bad gig 15 years ago is nuthin.
magic titty: Who wouldn’t? The touch of Jim Newell’s penis cures scrofula. Also, herpes.
El Pinche: Ahem.
wot say a Gates-Crowley summit at Sambo’s Tavern?
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/187528
Busch? BUSCH? Momentous occasions like this call for PBR, preferably warm and pulled from a keg heisted from a Kappa Sig-Chi Omega swap at Gallaudet.
Barry doesn’t have to appeal to the lowbrows by actually drinking Bud; you know Chimay is going to be in that glass..
Needs more intentionally butchered names if it’s going to be that Jackie Harvey parody we’re all clamoring for.
http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/harvey
“A double burger, onion rings, french fries, an apple pie milkshake,”
My arteries were audibly clogging (the sound is similar to a wooden ship being squeezed in an arctic ice pack) at reading that, until I went to the original article and saw that he had held the mayo on his double burger. What a relief that he’s lightening up his diet.
I can’t understand why White House security rejected a 7-foot, 350 lb. man with almost no impulse control and limitless wealth with which to hire attorneys in case of indiscretion. It must have been his refusal to surrender the iPhone (he was the Big Aristotle, how come now he isn’t the Big Twit?). To be fair: whatever else he is or isn’t, Mr. Shaq is rarely dull.
Dude, that nose! It’s like the return of Humpty Hump.
But srsly, I love yer posts.
To celebrate the post-Katrina emergence of New Orleans, perhaps a fine, yet reasonably-priced, product of the Dixie Brewing Company?
I think the black guys should have to drink “weissbier” and the white guy should be served a “porter”; for the sake of racism.
Natural Ice = Headache in a can.
Milwaukee’s Best is 3 steps below Bear Whiz Beer.
Corona comes pre-skunked.
How about a nice can of Old Frothingslosh?
The pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom and the fat lady on the can.
http://www.post-gazette.com/images/20000529JBMarsha0529M.jpg
Monsieur Grumpe: “Remember me? I’m Blatz!”
http://www.beersodasports.com/items/beer-merchandise-signs-and-collectibles/blatz-beer-merchandise-signs-and-collectibles/blatz-beer-bar-mirror-01817504-detail.htm
queeraselvis v 2.0: Pabst Blue Ribbon!
Studge: My senior year homecoming float had this slogan on it:
“Let’s Blatz the Schlitz outta them and take home the Blue Ribbon!”
I’m from Old Milwaukee, so you know that’s true.
Kazaam is the only movie I’ve ever walked out of and I was only 12 at the time.
Sounds like Bill is eating for 2….
I’m from Philly, so my senior year homecoming float read, “Yo, Fuck it!”
Smoke Filled Roommate: duh, that was Extemporanus…
NoWireHangers: Me too. Seriously. The only movie ever in my life. My little brother and I wandered around an outlet mall at the Lake of the Ozarks for an hour rather than sit through that.
Monsieur Grumpe: Costcutter!