MAJOR MEA CULPAS  6:43 pm July 27, 2009

John Cornyn Meant To Say We Need F-22s To Bomb *China*, Not India

by Jim Newell

Like many proud leaders of the Grand Old Party, Texas Sen. John Cornyn recently said something inappropriate and terrible and damaging to his country while defending something expensive, war-related, and unnecessary. Last week he argued against curtailing the Pentagon’s F-22 program on the grounds that we will need those bad boys to bomb various countries in the future. He then listed four countries that the United States currently has no intention of bombing, one of which was INDIA — the American ally — what with the “increased exercise of their military power.” Ha ha, eat an ICBM of dicks, India! But this was all just a misunderstanding, according to Cornyn’s spokesman. He meant to say that we need F-22s to bomb China soon. China. This just clears everything up! Cornyn/Santelli 2012…

“It (the F-22 program) is important to our national security because we’re not just fighting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq,” Texas’ Republican Senator John Cornyn said in a TV interview. “We’re fighting we have graver threats and greater threats than that: From a rising India, with increased exercise of their military power; Russia; Iran, that’s threatening to build a nuclear weapon; with North Korea, shooting intercontinental ballistic missiles, capable of hitting American soil.”

Turns out the Senator had a ‘slip of the tongue.’

“Senator Cornyn misspoke saying ‘India’ when he meant to say ‘China.’ As Founder and Co-chairman of the Senate India Caucus, no Senator has greater respect or admiration for India or values our relationship with them more. Sen. Cornyn regrets the mistake and apologizes for any misunderstanding this may have caused,” his spokesman Kevin McLaughlin clarified after the remarks were brought to his notice.

Ah yes, the “Senate India Caucus,” we all are familiar with Senator Cornyn’s very important work there, about India, and the Indians — “dot-dot” Indians, of course, not “naked dream-catchy Mexican” ones.

But wait, was that about bombing China with F-22s soon?

US Senator mistakenly calls India a security threat, apologizes [Times of India]

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Hopey dont play that game July 27, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Which one makes chop suey? That’s the one I want to bomb.

jbd July 27, 2009 at 6:48 pm

Local shorthand has become either “dot not feather” or “ruppee not wampum”. “Slurpy not firewater” is apparently also acceptable.

Invert as needed, obviously.

ManchuCandidate July 27, 2009 at 6:48 pm

All furriners look a like to “Big” John.

btwbfdimho July 27, 2009 at 6:50 pm

He’s from Texas, so he probably meant Buffalo.

WhatTheHeck July 27, 2009 at 6:52 pm

Of course we are going to bomb China. They have us by the short hairs, financially. And presto, No repayment of trillions in loans.

V572625694 July 27, 2009 at 6:52 pm

Is there any reason why a person who confuses India with China shouldn’t have an important role in determining our foreign affairs and defense policies? No, of course not.

Thanks, Texas! Keep bringin’ the crazy!

And damn, if we’re going to bomb countries as big as China and India with little fighter jets like the F-22, we’re gonna need a whole lot more of ‘em!

Extemporanus July 27, 2009 at 6:53 pm

[re=371790]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Chop suey was created in San Francisco at the end of the 1800s.

Give me about five minutes to finish eating this delicious little girl, and then feel free to bomb away.

slappypaddy July 27, 2009 at 6:54 pm

Senator Cornhole’s a wingnut’s wingnut, he doesn’t care who we bomb, just so long as we bomb someone, and soon, pleeze, his balls are turning blue.

STepper July 27, 2009 at 6:56 pm

Cornyn was just confused. That’s okay as he is a certifiable idiot.

user-of-owls July 27, 2009 at 6:58 pm

This addled piece of fecal matter better pray to his dashboard Jesus that he doesn’t need to call tech support anytime soon.

user-of-owls July 27, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Oh, and by the way, did anyone notice what the acronym for Senate India Caucus is?

Lord Growing July 27, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Then there are the time travelling F-22s being sent to 1960 Hawaii…
I’ve said too much.

Mr. Spanky July 27, 2009 at 7:00 pm

Easy now!

What the heck is wrong with a super-cool jet fighter that costs a mere, $300M a copy and only needs $50,000 per flight hour in maintenance to keep in the air?!

I’m talking Major Stimulus! True, High Tech Welfare!

Never mind the fact that mere RAIN washes off its stealth coating. And when it opens its weapons doors to actually shoot something, it is as stealthy as a Boeing 747.

Sounds like the ideal plane to send our brave Air Force pilots on suicide missions over Shanghai or Mumbai!

“Get Some! Get Some!”

chowkster July 27, 2009 at 7:01 pm

[re=371792]jbd[/re]: Curry, not Casino

DollarStorePregnancyTest July 27, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=371792]jbd[/re]: Around here the correct distinction is “casino” or “call center”

DollarStorePregnancyTest July 27, 2009 at 7:03 pm

[re=371811]chowkster[/re]: damn you!

Hooray For Anything July 27, 2009 at 7:04 pm

I think the question to ask is there something about India we don’t know? Also, why aren’t we passing bill after bill after bill over these lunkheads?

qwerty42 July 27, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Wasn’t saving the F-22 part of the dreaded Gay Agenda? or was it not? Hard to be sure, but if the Republicans are for it …

Extemporanus July 27, 2009 at 7:08 pm

Jim’s wonderful “ICMB of dicks” construction brought to mind Louis C.K.’s brilliant deconstruction of the phrase “Suck a bag of dicks.”

For those wishing to skip the foreplay (No!) and get right to the dick sucking, forward to the 2:15 mark.

iantenna July 27, 2009 at 7:08 pm

he could have taken a lesson from my in-laws and just used the all-encompassing “los chinos” which, in their world, means anybody from over on that side of the world.

SmutBoffin July 27, 2009 at 7:09 pm

What does Big John know that we don’t?

Fuck, the Great Moon War with China is really happening isn’t it? I mean, I liked it as a joke, but now I sorta don’t anymore…

assistant/atlas July 27, 2009 at 7:11 pm

For that kind of money, those puppies better have missiles made of pure Jesus or something. Also, can they hurry up and secede already? We’ve got all the stupid we can handle at the moment.

Vegastard July 27, 2009 at 7:15 pm

Canada. Meant to say, “Canada,” with their fancy-pants socialistical health care system that actually works.

Paul Tardy July 27, 2009 at 7:16 pm

Here’s a thought, if they make the F-22s in China, we could afford them, especially if the Chinese loaned us the money to buy them.

Tra July 27, 2009 at 7:18 pm

Awww, reminds me of the early days of the Bush administration, when they were hankering to go to war with China. Remember that? It was their first attempt at an insanely self-destructive and unnecessary foreign policy, before they got real good at it. Good times.

WadISay July 27, 2009 at 7:21 pm

I got the trots from an Indian restaurant a couple of weeks ago. As far as I’m concerned, bombing them is OK, too.

[re=371832]Paul Tardy[/re]: An head-spinning reversal of Lenin’s meme that the capitalists will sell the Communist countries the bullets the Commies use to kill them.

Darkness July 27, 2009 at 7:29 pm

[re=371832]Paul Tardy[/re]: You know, it sounds so disturbed when you say it that way . . . not at all like our economic strategy for the last 30 years…

Oldskool July 27, 2009 at 7:40 pm

We could get rid of Senator Einstein with a new map of the border fence showing Texas south of it… and tell him it’s to keep out Canadians.

azw88 July 27, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Fuck the Indians, they never shoulda let that Ghandi fella lead them off the reservation and over to that silly subcontinent that is making the Himilayas taller by smashing into China.

Servo July 27, 2009 at 7:44 pm

Afterall, we really got our money’s worth from the $2.1B per copy B-2 stealth bomber and the now-retired $111M per copy F-117 stealth “fighter”, which was really a bomber that held a whopping two (2) laser-guided bombs.
BTW, I think a bomber would be better suited to drop bombs. Fighters are for interception and dogfights, which don’t happen much anymore because of BVR missile capabilities.
Stealth is a bullshit technology that can be easily countered. Hell, Wesley Clark knows that.

Uncle Glenny July 27, 2009 at 7:44 pm

[re=371816]qwerty42[/re]: Yeah, I got all confused about that, too. However, WingNutDaily has come to the rescue, and it seems we the F-22 will shoot down the homosexual agenda (link is to ballon-juice, not WingNutDaily – I’m not that cruel).

I know I saw it somewhere else but can’t find linkee. (Was it here??)

chascates July 27, 2009 at 7:48 pm

I got laid off from my job after an INDIAN company bought it, not a Chinese one. He might have been right the first time.

No, Cornyn is never right. And he’ll get reelected.

MGBYG July 27, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Okay, what pop star is going to die to cover up this white man’s, uhmm, gaff??

randomsausage July 27, 2009 at 7:59 pm

Cornyn only changed his mind because an aide told him that the Black Hole of Calcutta belongs to some Bollywood Boy-toy

Hopey dont play that game July 27, 2009 at 8:00 pm

[re=371802]Extemporanus[/re]: Obviously you hate Trig and the troops.

rereridiculous July 27, 2009 at 8:02 pm

Cornyn is a true American hero. He doesn’t see race or nationalities. No! He sees all people and countries as equal under the eyes of the mighty powerful bomber.

jbd July 27, 2009 at 8:04 pm

[re=371862]MGBYG[/re]: I’m voting for Canadian harlot Celine Dion. That or Canadian harlot Brian Adams. Not that I have anything against those people….

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 27, 2009 at 8:08 pm

Cornyn is wise. Clearly we could never win a war against India as our soldiers have not been trained to break out into song like the Indian army.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 27, 2009 at 8:09 pm

All snark aside. After the last eight years in Iraq, imagine our exit strategy from India. Now imagine it from China.

give us a bob July 27, 2009 at 8:32 pm

My impression was that the Neocons got their little war in Iraq by exercising some discipline w/in their ranks and not blabbing on national media their we-gonna-bomb-em-real-good wishlist in the years before 9/11. Something to do with that whole element of surprise thing, I gather.

Thus, wouldn’t probably serve national interests better to encourage more such utterances? Just put the whole list on twitter, across several consecutive tweets if they can’t fit “Russia, China, India, Iran, Cuba, Libya, Syria, Egypt, Nork, Lebanon, Honduras, Venezuela, Mars, and Oregon” into 140chars.

And Bolivia? Why not Bolivia too?

Mr Blifil July 27, 2009 at 8:47 pm

Why can Uruguay still not get a shred of respect. Bomb them already, just so they can have some street cred, fur fuck’s sake.

hobospacejunkie July 27, 2009 at 9:07 pm

The lesson to be drawn here is don’t spread planning & production of a fighter plane over 40 states. This platypus of fighter planes was the ultimate pork project & killing it is proving to be the whack-a-mole game to end all whack-a-mole games.

noodleman July 27, 2009 at 9:08 pm

It’s so funny, even in the age of Google and the Internet, that Republicans can’t get their dates or their data straight. The Chrysler “K” car platform, referred to in the article, was developed in the ’80s — not the ’90s — and only involved passenger cars. The “L” platform was used for pick-ups and trucks. It’s a serious enough mistake because the “K” car had been abandoned by Chrysler by 1990 by which time Ford’s new platforms (e.g. Taurus, Escort) had exceeded Chrysler’s in popularity.

user-of-owls July 27, 2009 at 9:16 pm

[re=371899]Mr Blifil[/re]: Leave the poor Uruguayans out of this. They got a Tupamaro president and beef that would make your peenie melt. Viva Tupas!

richardwb1 July 27, 2009 at 9:27 pm

[re=371809]Lord Growing[/re]:
No, you haven’t said enough.

GreatOldOnesParty July 27, 2009 at 9:59 pm

No no no. Cornyn is actually planning to invade India at the behest of his constituents (Lockheed). That wasn’t a “slip o’ teh tung” it was a total gaffe.
“Whoa! Wait! Did I say ‘INDIA’? I meant CHINA! Yeah, China. We need to bomb them. Not India. We’d NEEEEEEVER bomb them.”

All China has to do is say “EMBARGO MUTHAFUKKA!” And boom…
there goes all the little knicknacks and doohikeys needed to build our military hardware.

Johnny Zhivago July 27, 2009 at 10:12 pm

I think he did mean Indians! They have many, many braves and new firesticks and could be a real threat to West Texas.

DustBowlBlues July 27, 2009 at 10:18 pm

[re=371844]WadISay[/re]: No bombing India–I love Bollywood. Chak De! (India), for instance. Besides, John Abraham lives in India and since he’s the most gorgeous human being who ever walked on legs, he must be spared. (See “Water” by Deepa Mehta.)

DustBowlBlues July 27, 2009 at 10:23 pm

[re=371875]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Excellent. Very funny.

jbd July 27, 2009 at 10:42 pm

[re=371792]jbd[/re]: After an appeal to friends:

Apu not Tonto
Brahmin not wiseman
Puri not frybread
Tanks not tatonkas (you have to make the horns with your fingers)

S.Luggo July 27, 2009 at 10:57 pm

Iraq Iran Indonesia
Hey, don’t take those, man.
I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.
I already took them, man.

imissopus July 27, 2009 at 11:21 pm

We need to finish the job those pussy Brits couldn’t take care of on their own. Limey fruits.

Gallowglass July 28, 2009 at 12:06 am

I get India and China mixed up all the time. Who can be bothered to keep track of all the brownish heathen types, anyway. Certainly not a United States Senator. What would he need with a rudimentary knowledge of the world?

nosnikreplliw July 28, 2009 at 12:10 am

“naked dream-catchy Mexican” ones. ???

zhubajie July 28, 2009 at 12:52 am

Probably it’s hard for him to tell which heathen country to smite first, the rag-head one or the slanted-eye one. G-g will have to tell him, like It did Bush II!


zhubajie July 28, 2009 at 12:55 am

[re=371815]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Well, it is a heathen country which has been known to give fundie xtn missionaries a hard time, and it has been building up its military (just launched its first nuclear sub yesterday!), so it makes as much sense as threatening China.

zhubajie July 28, 2009 at 1:00 am

[re=371890]give us a bob[/re]: No, it was because Iraq is in the Book of Daniel and the Book of Revelation, and India and China are not. Check it out: “Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen!”

Zhu Bajie

Zorg July 28, 2009 at 1:51 am

John-Sahib, jab tu paida hua tho aagey se ya peechey se nikla tha chutiya?

gurukalehuru July 28, 2009 at 4:15 am

So, Joe Biden gets crucified in the press for suggesting that Russia’s banking system might not exactly be up to standard, and Cornholio gets a pass for suggesting we bomb Russia, on account of he said something even stupider in the same sentence, which he then covered up by saying something stupider still.
I move that Joe Biden gets a pass on absolutely anything he says until Big John produces his birth certificate, with an officially notarized flag pin attached.

Unlearned Hand July 28, 2009 at 5:29 am

I assume Cornyn feels we need the F-22s to take care of the dire threat posed by the Comanches. Casinos, or WMD labs?

Also, India just launched its first nuclear submarine this week. Something tells me threatening them with non-existent fighters isn’t the best plan we could come up with.

As for the Russia thing, that’ll take care of itself. Probably through a polonium-laced chicken fried steak.

Don Juanquete July 28, 2009 at 6:38 am

Where would our English teachers and math tutors and IT profs come from, if we bomb India?
And who would win the speling beas?
We’ll all become the spoopids then.

LoweredPeninsula July 28, 2009 at 6:55 am

Wait, wait:

As Founder and Co-chairman of the Senate India Caucus, no Senator has greater respect or admiration for India or values our relationship with them more.

Ummm, he’s the founder and co-chairman of the Senate India Caucus? Really? How maddening must that be to Indian Americans? Of all of the congressional douchebags it had to be Senator Cornyn.

Paul Tardy July 28, 2009 at 8:16 am

In all fairness if your only job skill was riveting aluminium together, and the world was going toward airplanes made of plastic composite, you would be pissed at losing your government sinecure during a recession, especially after you voted for all those pay and pension bump ups for your brother police fire airport screener postal workers. Bush’s inclusion of airport screenres into the civil service was brilliant. Talk about guilded welfare, with the economy in the dumper they’re look at pictures of peoples luggage job is now mostly waiting for people with luggage to look at.

Maybe they can get work in auto, uhhh, truck driving, uhhh, help me with this one.

Hey Yo F-35 all the way yeah. Those Chi-coms still take off horizontal like. Anybody heard from the V-22 lately? Anybody?

McDuff July 28, 2009 at 9:20 am

Taking the claim that the F-22 needs 30 hours of maintenance for every hour of flight at face value, an F-22 based in the U.S. would fly to Hawaii, land, spend a day on the ground undergoing maintenance, then fly to Guam, spend a day undergoing maintenance, then fly to Japan, spend a day undering going maintenance, fly to Thailand, spend a day undergoing maintenance, and then, maybe only then, be available for combat against the Indian hoards. Yup, the Airforce Ground Crew Full Employment Act of 2009 was well worth every dime L-M paid its lobbyists.

Godot July 28, 2009 at 10:36 am

The F-22 isn’t a bomber.

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