A Children’s Treasury Of Fun Facts About “America’s Governor” Sean Parnell

  altered states

This is it you guys, today is Sarah Palin’s last day as Vice President of Alaska! But enough about Sarah Palin, because while of course it is just a matter of time until the Palin de’Medicis once again gain control of Wasilla and therefore the entirety of the snowy north—either through Willow, the Dauphiness of Juneau, or whenever Palin’s TwitterBerry becomes self-aware—in the meantime, Alaska’s new top Alaskan is Sean Parnell. What does America know about Sean Parnell? And what does America need to know about Sean Parnell? Nothing and nothing, respectively.

Alaska’s lawmakers seem to be happy about the prospect of dealing with Parnell, gauchely noting in public that he “actually calls” them… as opposed Palin, who will occasionally text but is careful to avoid making definite plans, especially on weekends. His CV is, you know, whatever: served in Alaska’s House and Senate, presumably did things that were possibly of interest to Alaskans, like lobbying on behalf of Exxon Mobil in the Valdez lawsuit, etc. etc. Oh and he has a Twitter now, AKGovParnell, a sacred Arctic talisman that will protect him against Miscommunication.

Parnell found out about Palin’s resignation when the latter summoned the former to her taxidermery-filled masoleum of an office on July 1. Anyway, so he’s so stoked, right? But according to certain noteworthy Alaskans, Parnell is not as exciting as Palin, and won’t do pizzazz-y things like negate all of his responsibilities before ultimately quitting, so he is at a supreme disadvantage.

[KrisTV]

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About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

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113 comments

  1. Suds McKenzie

    CNN has started their countdown clock; um .. I’m not making this up.

    break out the hard liquor, .. oh, you have; carry one 42:11, 42:10, 42:09 …

  2. tbogg

    Has David Letterman mouth-raped any of the Parnellette’s yet or does he have to wait until Monday?

  3. Uncle Glenny

    In that taxidermy-filled-mausoleum picture, is she real? She looks glossy, like a Madame Tussaud’s wax figure.

  4. x111e7thst

    I do not know anything about S Parnell, but will give the benefit of the doubt and assume that as a married Republican w/postcardesque family he sucks cock in thruway reststops. Some things one has to take on faith.

  5. Bruno

    Is he one of the ones who “dated” Snowbilly in high school and somehow used this in his sudden rise to power.

    DNA tests for Track!!!!1!

  6. Bruno

    So is that a real dog, or something they shot by chopper and had stuffed? His eyes look a bit vacant to me

  7. BadKitty

    No live blogging of the last serving of Governor’s Palin Fresh and Nutty Word Salad? What kind of customer service is this? I’m certainly not getting my money’s worth out of this blog…. what? Free? Oh, never mind.

  8. WBYeats

    In other news, the new “First Daughter” is like twice as hot and half as fat as the last version.

    And she probably never had unprotected premarital sex with Alex Rodriguez.

  9. pepe

    “Media, in honor of the American soldier, will ya quit making things up.” — I wish I had made up this quote.

  10. you cannot be serious

    Not many people remember that Parnell played the oldest son on Bonanaza.

  11. rereridiculous

    I, for one, admired Ice Barbie’s complete lack of shame, and have no doubts that an oil industry lawyer governing an oil producing state will not fail in gleefully running the state with the same hackery has his twitter-mouthed twat of a predecessor. Furthermore we can return to Ted Steven’s style of competent corruption.

  12. chascates

    Hard to Twitter in Sarah’s shoes:

    Name Sean Parnell
    0 Following 9 Followers

    vs

    * Name Sarah Palin
    * Location Alaska
    * Web http://www.gov.st
    * Bio Creating New Energy for Alaskans as governor of the 49th state!

    40 Following 117,036 Followers

  13. Suds McKenzie

    “do whats right for AK when pressure mounts”… Like Quit??, oh and “don’t let them use AK as a fund-raising tool”. whaa??

    “Hollywood needs to understand, we eat, therefore we hunt”.

    this is all Gold.

  14. Uncle Glenny

    [re=370987]pepe[/re]: I bet if she calls in a plumber and doesn’t like the service she accuses him of not supporting our troops.

  15. wrytoast

    You’re quitting because you love alaska? That’s like saying you beat your wife because you love her.

  16. Suds McKenzie

    So, if I understand her correctly; Hollywood starlets are going to love the drive to Fairbanks to take the guns away from people for the troops.

  17. Servo

    Pretty family? Check.
    Yellow or chocolate lab? Check.
    LL Bean clothing? Check.
    Busted having an affair with a South American woman? Checkity-check check.

    [re=370992]Suds McKenzie[/re]:
    She doesn’t believe in grocery stores. The girl with the glasses is the slow one. She’ll probably meet the same fate as her look-alike in Stir of Echoes.

  18. gjdodger

    So who’s the new GILF designate? Lingle’s kind of cute if she’d lose the glasses.

  19. wavingnotdrowning

    1. Sarah Palin, Sean Parnell. Why all the SPs?
    2. Nice dead-tree family photo in the dead of dead Alaska, dipshit.
    3. Cornholios.

  20. smellyal8r

    My Gawd, finally. Hail and farewell Sarah Palin and your whole brood of crazies. I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee. Please go and do NOT come back. This Parnell fella looks like a good substitute but will probably get just as corrupted at the RGA meetings like all the rest of them.

  21. chascates

    With apologiest to new Gov. Parnell I have to quote something from SarahBear’s parting speech:

    … as the outgoing governor scolded “some seemingly hell bent on tearing down our nation” and warned Americans to “be wary of accepting government largess. It doesn’t come free.”

    Would that include the annual check given to every Alaskan citizen?

    Gov. Parnell is inheriting a state that will face economic problems, which also explains the desires of governors Jindall and Crist to consider serving the people in a Senatorial capacity. As George Bush famously said of the state of Texas’ fiscal problems when he left for the White House “I’m glad I won’t be around for that.”

  22. gradgrind

    [re=370998]Atheist Nun[/re]: J. Frank? It’s a thought. So is an ancestor named Charles Stewart Parnell, the most famous politician of his century (19th) to be forced from office for hiking the Appalachian Trail. In Ireland. With known Argentinian hottie Kitty O’Shea.

  23. El Pinche

    Ok, it’s done, she’s gone. Now let’s take off the gloves.

    Meghan McCain it’s time to spill the beans. Please be our guest and give us some dirt .

  24. S.Luggo

    [re=370971]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: Right. Those will be Tripp’s exact words when he returns to Alaska and discovers that he is a father.

    [re=370956]themcw[/re]: Bowser appears to be giving serious thought to jumping to the Huckabee camp. Not great food there, but lots of it. Plus fewer beatings.

    [re=370959]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Why the singular?

  25. glamourdammerung

    [re=370976]BadKitty[/re]: Yeah, Palin’s last “official” crying jag was pretty funny.

    I figure we have to wait for the editors to get to it tomorrow, with that day of rest thing.

  26. S.Luggo

    “And what does America need to know about Sean Parnell? Nothing and nothing, respectively.” Well, we need to know this:

    1. Parnell is astute. Every time he sees a wolf, he says, “Here, doggy, doggy.”
    2. He’s the state’s former ambassador to the Heritage Foundation, and Russia, also.
    3. Sean wears a comb-over and has a surgically implanted chin-cleft. It let’s him to receive radio commands from the Petroleum Institute.
    4.Until recently, he was Ted Steven’s shoe shine boy, pool boy, whatever.
    5.On July 27th, Parnell will announce that he’s taking a two week vacation in Europe.

  27. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=370956]themcw[/re]: Thanks! Those are actually my daughters. The one with the glasses takes after her mother.

  28. boinggg

    Well, the new gov looks okay. But, what does he kill, and how does he do it? These are important questions.

  29. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=371018]rambone[/re]: FUCK YA. Somebody— at least somebody, is onto the truth here.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    Those are teenagers? Damn. You don’t have to be very old to be governor of Alaska, do you? But I guess it doesn’t make sense to have an age restriction if you can be a functional idiot either. But teenagers having teenagers. Tsk tsk tsk — the shame.

  31. jbd

    [re=371020]PourMeAGoldWater[/re]: See alt text. More appropriate:

    “new daughters to impale on the end of my feel good stick if they are of the age of consent in pseudo-Canuckistan.”

    Also viable:

    “I’d hit that but only if it were legal under the statues of the appropriate state and/or province with jurisdiction.”

  32. assistant/atlas

    [re=370996]wrytoast[/re]: Except that it’s the reverse because her quitting is like quitting beating her wife because her governance is like spousal abuse also.

  33. hobospacejunkie

    [re=371026]wizzlebiff[/re]: Oh hey, blog or website whore. The lack of, in your case, an avatard gives you away. You’re spending Sunday whoring. How special for you.

    [re=370992]Suds McKenzie[/re]: [re=370987]pepe[/re]: I refuse to believe Sister Sarah vomited these word salads. That’s dumb even by her nursery school reading level standards.

    So Parnell whored for Exxon, working to deny compensation for the countless injured in some way by the Valdez oil spill. How honorable. That makes him a more than fitting replacement for the Snow Turd, who will now smear her feces all over America’s taint, on Twitter.

  34. More Important Than YOU

    Gladstone described him as the most remarkable person he had ever met, though the fact that he fathered three of Kitty O’Shea’s children should have serious repercussions — and his involvement with the Irish National Land League will make the birthers nervous.

  35. MGBYG

    Hey, fellow libtards, his daughters are OFF!!!1!! limits, even though the younger one’s his brother’s daughter…

  36. jasper f. krone

    “I think his understanding of how to communicate is going to do him well. That’s one of the things the present governor has struggled with. I think he will just do better at it,” Coghill said.

    He’d have to?

  37. DollarStorePregnancyTest

    HAPPY NEW YEAR ERR… Happy Media-Grubbing-Harpie Day of Banishing. Or something.

    Everyone take a shot.

  38. Atheist Nun

    [re=371012]gradgrind[/re]: If you only look at their beards, the resemblance between Charles Stewart Parnell and Ken Layne is uncanny!

    [re=371034]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: “One day my mind was full to bursting. The next day – nothing. Swept away. But I’ll show them. I had a lobotomy in the end.” – J. Sarah Palin

  39. ladymacbeth

    awwwhh! Such a cute normal attractive family! just like in the old days of GILF and romantic ice carvings and the anti-Murkowski clean pretty lady!

    before we heard That Voice.

    i’m in mourning for my rapidly approaching Utter Disillusionment and Unbridled Horror.

  40. gurukalehuru

    Serious analysis, here: Sara Palin may not realize it yet, but she really is finished. She’ll go on her speaking tour, thinking she’s building a 3rd party, but the only time she’ll make the news at all is when she says something crazy, because, really, otherwise who cares, right?

  41. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    So, I’ve been out all evening. Has Parnell succeeded in destroying an old man’s chances of becoming president yet?

    [re=370967]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Wait, she is wearing a green scarf? Doesn’t that make the one daughter a secret foreign Muslim. I mean, I know they can see Russia from there, and isn’t Russia full of Godless heathens?

  42. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Legend has it that now, in the North Woods of Alaska, if you listen very hard, you can hear Sarah Palin learning the Bush doctrine. And that she but merely sleeps, waiting for her people to once more rally around her and wake her so that she may smite her enemies, and all darkies and other betrayers of Joe, the one that Plumbs.

  43. saggyboobedhag

    Ann Coulter says he’s a good right winger (which makes it perfectly fine for Sarey-girl to quit).

    If Ann Coulter likes him then he must be fantabulous.

  44. Quasi

    @ gurukalehuru: If the the news media is going to report every crazy thing Sarah Palin says, they will never have time to tell us what brand of beer Obama served at his White House beer bash, what pharmaceutical nightmare kill MJ, or why our new public option health care plan is called Aetna.

    Besides:

    At 47, Parnell is too young to be “American’s Governor.” Everybody knows that America’s governor is set at 55.

  45. hobospacejunkie

    [re=371060]gurukalehuru[/re]: I’m hoping Palin’s not finished for the simple reason that I want to see a sort of Political Celebrity Death Match 2012: Sarah Palin v. Liz Cheney. Neiman-Marcus v. Grandma’s Leftovers. A battle for the soul of the Know-Nothing wing of the republican party. I would love to see debates between these two leading up to the primaries, at which both will be shelled at the polls, though I’ll take either one as the republican presidential nominee because Obama would wife the floor with their ugly butts in the general election.

  46. chascates

    [re=371069]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Suggesting a match-up between Palin and Dick Cheney’s daughter is just plain cruel. Liz would wear Sarah’s pelt as a trophy.

  47. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=371071]facehead[/re]: Juli did a great job this weekend, but I have to admit that I wish she had more of a life than the rest of us.

  48. Carly

    A little different stream, but really wanted to share thisone….I consider myself a seasoned investor but I do admit that now again, I still make mistakes. I found a newsletter that goes over basic investing strategies. It also offers new ideas into sectors and stocks from a contrarian’s perspective. Everything is based on risk/reward. The newsletter is free to sign up. http://bit.ly/invest_better_15_min

  49. zhubajie

    [re=371002]Servo[/re]: Probably Thailand or Phils in his case: warmer winters, you know!

    Zhu Bajie

  50. LoweredPeninsula

    [re=371043]Don Juanquete[/re]: We won’t have to worry about that. I was just about to say that if we want to make fun of him for anything, it could be something superficial like his height. The guy is tiny.

  51. zhubajie

    [re=371047]More Important Than YOU[/re]: Gladstone was pretty weird himself, given to *talking* to London’s hookers, bringing them to #10 to meet his wife, then scourging himself so as to not feel attracted.

    Of course, maybe the harlots were his spies, filling him in on what the opposition was up to.

    Zhu Bajie

  52. zhubajie

    [re=371060]gurukalehuru[/re]: Pentecostal ministry. She’ll spend the rest of her life on TBN.

    Zhu Bajie

  53. zhubajie

    [re=371061]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: “isn’t Russia full of Godless heathens?”

    Worse, the Orthodox Church.

    Zhu Bajie

  54. Bostonian_Queer_in_Dallas

    Well aren’t they the perfect Alaskan Christian family. Sorry my gaydar pings when he appears on camera. Stay tuned, sportsfans! This could get delish if my gaydar is accurate, and it usually is about 99.99999% of the time.

  55. bago

    Uhm, those random “insert the troops here” comments earlier. Are they real? Anyone have links?

  56. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Oh, this is richShe also took aim at the media, saying her replacement, Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell, “has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone!”

    Cue screaming hissy-fit hysterial YouTube “LEAVE PARNELL’S KIDS ALONE!” vid in 3…2…

  57. Marlowe

    [re=371113]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: ”
    “has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone!”

    **************
    OK, but what about the dog?

  58. Unlearned Hand

    Oh, this is rich… She also took aim at the media, saying her replacement, Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell, “has a very nice family too, so leave his kids alone!”

    Was she speaking to the public in general, or just Levi Johnston’s cock?

  59. WesternCorrespondent

    [re=370987]pepe[/re] said: “Media, in honor of the American soldier, will ya quit making things up.” — I wish I had made up this quote.”

    Maybe now we’ll hear about Babygate, now that they’re supposed to STOP making things up.

  60. More Important Than YOU

    If the girls are of breeding age, they need to meet those nice Huckabee boys. We could be looking at a line of Alaskan/Arkansan Hapsburgs.

  61. edgydrifter

    [re=371202]More Important Than YOU[/re]: If “Hapsburgs” is a fancy word for morbidly obese cave monsters, then yes.

  62. schlock and flaws

    [re=370972]Bruno[/re]: Dude. Never had a yellow lab, didja? Remove their synaptic triggers (duck or food) and their brains shut down.

    You ever see a yellow lab, without a duck or food in front of him, with bright, intelligent eyes, run, for it is truly a minion of evil. Also.

  63. natoslug

    [re=371146]Marlowe[/re]: Leave the dog alone! Looks like they’re fattening the poor thing up for Christmas dinner.

  64. dedalus

    His daughter’s damn cute.

    But can she shoot a running wolf from a plane at 900?
    While giving birth, running a state, and saving the Republic?

    If not, my heart belongs to Sara.

  65. TedTheLightBulbSalesman

    [re=370991]chascates[/re]: Since when in the hell can energy be created? Not even Tesla went around claiming he was creating energy.

  66. lawrenceofthedesert

    I thought Sean Parnell was terrific on “Bonanza” and blended well with Dan Blocker, Lorne Greene and Michael Landon; he also did a spot-on job on Irish independence, now that I mention it. I’m sure he’ll be every bit as good in Anchorage. He will stand in the river and catch salmon in his teeth, bugle at the females in the fall, and do all the right Alaska things like drink crude oil and drive tractor-trailers over ice roads to high-risk crab fishing gigs. He will look at Russia and thus know it. He will visit New York, where the Republicans will supply him with highly fashionable skirts and high-heeled shoes to wear. Ah, Sean, we hardly knew ya… but try not to pull a Larry Craig and get busted for Northern Exposure.

  67. LoweredPeninsula

    [re=371202]More Important Than YOU[/re]: Alaskan/Arkansan Hapsburgs

    Fucking brilliant!

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