American Sex Pigs

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Oh, the noble pig! This beast is the cleverest and friendliest of your barnyard animals — seriously, have you ever looked into the dim, soulless eyes of a cow or a chicken? — and is delicious when transformed into a whole panoply of meat products. Yet whenever it gets used in a cartoon, it denotes something bad! Why are America’s political cartoonists racist against pigs?

Barack Obama likes to have sex with pigs. I mean, we all know that, right? Do I even have to say this? It says it right on his birth certificate, which is written in Muslim. Anyway, here’s our president starting another one of his pig-fucking sessions, but as you can see he’s starting to feel a little ambivalent about it. “Just give it to me!” he says. (Notice he doesn’t say “Give it me baby,” as the magic is gone.) “Just come and get it,” says his pig-lover. Now that he’s president, Obama feels like he’s too good for the muddy sex pit where the pig-coupling usually happens. But the pig doesn’t care about how clean Obama’s fancy presidential clothes are!

Anyway, Obama and the pig totally did it or whatever, and, even though the act didn’t have the same emotional depth it once did, he still walked home from the sweet man-pig lovemaking naked, as is his wont. His advisors had long ago taught him that the sight of his tiny yet pert buttocks can only drive his approval ratings higher among the sheeple. And here’s a sexually precocious youngster, who should be commenting on something that would get everyone involved sent to jail; yet instead he comments on the president’s … abs? This is what our nation has come to, that even little children are obsessed with having a six-pack? Has Men’s Health become required reading in our public schools while I wasn’t looking?

Fortunately, the liberals in Congress know just what to do to protect the children from this epidemic of body obsession! American’s most beloved national symbols must be rendered obese, so that nobody associates the grueling ab-crunch workouts needed to get a flat tummy with anyone awesome or cool. Subject #1: Notorious beanpole Uncle Sam, tied down by the congressional Sergeant-at-Arms, and subjected to violent feederism by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi (both pretty skinny themselves — HYPOCRISY). Soon, under this socialist bulking-up regime, those dangerous abs will be safely insulated under a layer of flab!

Oh, but wait, what about the sex pig? Obama knew he’d have to get rid of his porcine lover, and fast — but how? Well, following the lead of King David’s dealing with Uriah the Hittite, Obama decided to send the pig off to die in one of America’s many wars. (Hey, they’ve got to be good for something, right?) He unveiled plans to turn the pig into a mighty pig-plane that would strafe the enemy from above, before being conveniently shot down and martyred.

But look at the sad face on that aero-pig! Does it know that it’s destined for doom when it ships out? Or is it just sad at being used for violence? Our piggy is a lover, not a fighter!

And so, in recognition of the something special they once shared, Obama leaned on NASA and allowed his erstwhile pigamour and two of his friends to live out a longtime dream: to be a noble astronaut and explore mankind’s last frontier! The piggy trio escaped the limits of Earth’s gravity and came face to face with the awesome majesty of outer space. Then they visited the International Space Station, whose inhabitants immediately ate them.

Hey, kids! Remember when you thought that the Angel of Death was sinister, terrifying, and kind of cool? Well, that’s all over now! LOL!