ANOTHER WATERLOO SKIRMISH  2:59 pm July 23, 2009

Howard Dean On The Public Option: ‘Don’t Knock It Till You Rock It’

by Riley Waggaman

Howard Dean, Esquire.Your Wonkette Intern spent a delightful afternoon this past Tuesday with famed Obama apostle Howard Dean, who preached the Health Care gospel and even cured leprosy with his gentle touch. The sermon was hosted by none other than Kremlin subsidiary Campus Progress — surprise, surprise!

Oddly enough, the venue for this pow-wow was some sort of outpost owned by the University of California. With all its budget problems, can California really afford some hippie condo in DC? Rumor has it that Jumbo Slice is looking to buy!

Of course, every Wonkette adventure begins with Intern Riley being terribly lost. So it’s a good thing that Wonkette reader “Patrick” recognized your despondent Intern on the street and gave him directions. Thanks again, Patrick!

Apparently Campus Progress is all out of money, because there were no snacks to be had at this miserable thing, and the press had to make their own name tags using an index card and a crayon, which infuriated Maureen Dowd. See? Fiscal responsibility. It’s something liberals just don’t understand. They blew their load on William Red Face Clinton and some fancy elitist conference and now what? There’s nothing left in the Communist Coffers for chips or bowls of punch or Matt Yglesias.

Howard Dean, Perv.
Someone has a wandering eye!

Howard Dean dominated the discussion — it was really rather rude. Maybe three other people got a chance to talk, but even then Howard would interject with some sort of fancy word like “premium” or “HMO.” Here is a rough paraphrase of his stirring address:

“There’s nothing wrong with making money … I go all over the world, I travel a lot … The public ate his lunch … That’s a legitimate thing to say … I don’t care … Turn into France? We’d be so lucky to turn into France!”

Howard Dean, Raconteur.
Here we see Howard Dean telling another one of his famous “I caught a really tiny fish” stories. He then transitioned with a disparaging remark about the size of Jim DeMint’s wiener.

Howard Dean, Nutter.
The reason this picture is so blurry is because Howard Dean was sprinting furiously for the door. “Out of my way!” he shouted as he plowed through the crowd like a possessed Caterpillar bulldozer.

After lecturing for probably forever and then sizing up the nice moderator lady and then fielding a few questions for kicks, Howard made a wild dash for the backdoor. He almost got away. But all the droppings Howard left in the lobby were a dead giveaway — your Intern spent last summer temping as a Native American tracker on the Mexican border — and after a few probing whiffs, your Wonkette was hot in pursuit!

The Great Escape.
Nice try, Howard Dean. Your turds were traceable.

Howard Dean, moments before being arrested by the Cambridge Police.
Howard Dean crosses the street when he’s not supposed to. In Obama’s One World Nation, you can break the law whenever you want, so long as you have enough Ameros to bribe the Mounties with.

We stalked Howard Dean in hopes that maybe he would take the Metro back to his Public Option Bunker. So much for hope! He walked right past Farragut North and just kept going. Where was Howard Dean walking to? Vermont?

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Hola wonkerados.

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DagNabbit July 23, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Why is there Uranium on the table? Humm?

Smoke Filled Roommate July 23, 2009 at 3:06 pm

…and whatever you do, don’t try to accomplish it by screaming.

jetjaguar July 23, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Howard Dean killed Break Room Live.

OReillysVibrator July 23, 2009 at 3:16 pm

That eye isn’t wandering at all, it’s focused right on the cleavage.

SayItWithWookies July 23, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Howard Dean walks and cycles everywhere now in the hope that he’ll run across another bike path that’ll give him entree back into the world of politics.

Bearbloke July 23, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=369172]DagNabbit[/re]: Simple… Don’t mess with Dr. Dean!

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 23, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk,
Music loud and women warm,
Been kicked around since I was born.

Humpback July 23, 2009 at 3:26 pm

If U. of California’s campus has spread all the way to the Atlantic coast, I guess that really is campus progress.

tehbenton July 23, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Howeird’s looking pretty trim these days. Maybe he’s on to something?

Todd Mecklem July 23, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Our Wonkette Intern is a Howard Dean stalker! If you followed him that far, why didn’t you continue past Farragut North? Farragut North was your Rubicon, and you…didn’t cross it. You’ll never be Emperor now.

freakishlystrong July 23, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=369220]tehbenton[/re]: That racist from Arkansas from a few posts back turned him on to diet Coke…

Joshua Norton July 23, 2009 at 3:38 pm

Riley is being recognized on the streets? Can TMZ cameras be far behind?

BadKitty July 23, 2009 at 3:45 pm

I crossed the street against the light today, too. Me and Dean are all mavericky like that.

trickyrick July 23, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Dr. Deans wife is a doctor too. She is stuck in her office treating people while he wanders around talking about stuff.

Joshua Norton July 23, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Last time I was in DC someone told me I’d never get lost if I just thought of the streets as a Cartesian coordinate system. The police had to stop me from hitting him with my umbrella.

TGY July 23, 2009 at 4:06 pm

I know you journalism types are all about the printed word, but use the camera focus, srsly.

Gorillionaire July 23, 2009 at 4:29 pm

[re=369220]tehbenton[/re]: Yeah no kidding. He’s at the age where most dudes start growing a bowling ball sized and shaped gut. And jowls. I mean, look at Huckabee.

AbstinenceOnly Ed July 23, 2009 at 5:42 pm

[re=369332]Gorillionaire[/re]: Fuckabee’s stomach staples just burst what with all the coon ‘n possum meat.

WABishop July 23, 2009 at 6:02 pm

Full points for the Killdozer reference.

hoosiermama July 23, 2009 at 8:09 pm

[re=369220]tehbenton[/re]: Howeird’s looking pretty trim these days. Maybe he’s on something?


Mad Farmer Manifest July 23, 2009 at 8:33 pm

[re=369286]TGY[/re]: It is focused. Howard Dean and the tan lady who want to punch Riley are just moving that fast.

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